Evil Editor's Blog, page 127

Click strip to enlarge.

Click strip to enlarge.

Face-Lift 1145

Guess the Plot

The Protectors

1. One Tuesday, in the ladies' room at work, Raquel notices a man wearing only the same color paint as the walls, watching her wash her hands. He's her Protector, and he's not the only one.

2. A colorful gang of condoms-cum-superheroes guard their charges from villains S'Phyllis and Gonno'rhea. But one thing The Protectors can't do is stand alone.

3. Twins Sam and Janice stand up to the bullies harassing the good kids of class 5H, and soon the ugly thugs are all quivering wrecks. But this sort of protection doesn't come free; the twins find that their classmates' lunch money is good for all sorts of treats. Now who will protect the class from the protectors?

4. Johnny and his friends patrol and secure their territory. Lately, giants have swooped in, plucked out valued citizens, and returned them completely used. Now Johnny's love Lorraine has come up missing. Johnny will get her back, but not without the help of his buddy's . . . the protectors.

5. Jacob Snodgrass owned the only pest control business in Sioux City until Alex Marten's Pest Control opened its doors. Jacob is ready to fight dirty, until he learns Alex Marten's really a striking blonde from Duluth. Will they compete for the pest control business, or join forces to become . . .The Protectors?

6. An elite squad of highly-trained wizards and warriors is hired to protect the Egyptian Princess Tah as she makes her way from Thebes to Memphis. Only one problem: Princess Tah, a daughter of Bast, is a kitten, while her protectors are all mice. Can they all survive the grueling boat trip up the Nile?

7. Leah is a plain ordinary girl. Except, of course, for her super power. She joins the Protectors, whose mission it is to rid the world of demons and boring singers, but it's Leah who is instrumental in saving mankind when the chips are down.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I am seeking representation of my YA novel THE PROTECTORS, which stands complete at 72,300 words. It is the first novel in what will become a four book series, and will appeal to lovers of Kelly Armstrong’s Darkness Rising series and Jamie McGuire’s Providence series.

Leah Hawthorne was an ordinary girl, plain in every way except for one, [:] she could see into the future. You’d think having that kind of talent would be like a cool super power, but for Leah it was the exact opposite. Her life was ruled by strict regulations set by her overprotective, control freak of a brother, John, to keep her secret safe. [I was expecting an example of how her power wasn't cool, how it backfired.] [What regulations are needed besides "Don't tell anyone you can see into the future."?] [Can Leah prevent a future occurrence once she "sees" that it's going to happen? If so, this power could be useful in the cause of Good; why keep it secret?] In the weeks that followed her eighteenth birthday she thought things would change, that John would loosen the reigns [reins] a bit. But with the arrival of three strangers all vying for her attention, her life was about to become more than she ever expected. [More what?] [Are the strangers vying for her attention because they have romantic interest, or because of Leah's power to see the future? If the latter, John has done a pretty lousy job of keeping her secret safe.]

Attempting to gain control of her own life, Leah joins the Protector Agency, [I hear that's why people join the Central Intelligence Agency: to have control of their own lives.] a team of angel/human hybrids destined to fight in the war against Donovan [AKA Mellow Yellow] and the demonic [Hurdy Gurdy Man.] Leviathan Order. [An order of demons choosing Donovan as their leader is like the X-Men dumping Dr. Xavier and choosing Cat Stevens as their new leader.] [If the Protector Agency is a team of angel/human hybrids, how can Leah join? She's an ordinary girl, not an angel/human hybrid.] But, with the added strain of trying to keep her relationship with John open and her own personal insecurities will she be able to break the chains of fear that Donovan so tightly wrapped around her, [When was this? Has she ever encountered Donovan?] and become what she was always destined to be, a Protector? [So she isn't already a Protector, even though she joined the Protector Agency? Is she in an entry-level job, like their receptionist or housekeeper?] [Why is it that you never see the human employees of groups like the Avengers and Justice League of America? They must need their case files organized and their headquarters floor polished. Not that they couldn't do that stuff themselves at super speed, but would they want to? When it's Batman's turn to clean the refrigerator, would he complain that he shouldn't have to since Superman could do it in a couple seconds? Who gets the fish stench out of the break room couch after Aquaman's been sitting there? How would you like to be the Avenger whose turn it was to clean the bathroom next, and you see the Hulk walk out holding a newspaper?]

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

The first plot paragraph doesn't suggest what kind of book this is. It sounds like Here's what happens when an ordinary high school student can see the future. Then it suddenly morphs into Here's what happens when an ordinary high school girl becomes a key player in the war between angels and demons.

I see no point in bringing the three strangers into the query. They don't do anything. What do they want? Are they suitors? Are they Protectors? Are they members of the Leviathan Order?

John doesn't do anything either. The only setup needed is that Leah can see the future. She wants to use this power for good, but someone (who?) wants her to use it for their own nefarious reasons.

What happens? Leah joins the Protectors is all we get. Is she expecting to have a minor role in saving the world from the Leviathan Order, but it turns out the other Protectors are useless and Leah's the key to saving mankind?

Change Leah's name to Jennifer Juniper, set the novel in Atlantis, and I think you've got something.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Duty Boy

1. A first-person, present tense, saga of toilet-training told by a three-and-a-half-year-old boy under enormous pressure to succeed.

2. When Captain Responsibility quits the superhero racket and goes on a three-day bender, it's up to his sidekick, Duty Boy, to take over his obligations.

3. Cub Scout leader Pius Piatro finds himself the focus of a national debate when he expels eight-year-old David Fenneman from Troop 212 on suspicion that David might be gay.

4. "Duty Processing," Alabama's controversial new system of legalized slavery, is working out great for business owners--until one reporter discovers it has nothing to do with sewage treatment.

5. A customs agent's son enlists on a pirate ship as the captain's boy, but finds the captain's idea of high seas thrills is nothing like his own.

6. Triple Crown winner Duty Boy is a dud at stud--until a stable boy goes beyond the call of duty.


Original Version

How much pain is one life worth?

David Ellis has found himself in the middle of a circus. [He is . . . the Ringmaster!] [On the assumption that there had to be a comic book character called the Ringmaster, Evil Editor researched the matter. Sure enough, the Ringmaster was a villain who took on the likes of Spiderman, Hulk, and Howard the Duck. As my comic book collection includes issues 1 - 27 of Howard the Duck, I dug them out and looked for the one with the Ringmaster. It was number 27. If I had started my search with number 27 instead of number 1, I'd have finished this query critique yesterday. Getting back to the topic at hand, at the end Howard says to The Ringmaster, "So now it's down to you 'n' me, Ringo--unless you care to surrender!" And the Ringmaster says, "Capitulate to a duck!?! Are you mad??" Anyway, different ringmaster.] Protestors, TV news crews, human rights groups, and Hollywood directors are converging on Birmingham after the murder of a local businessman. But the victim and trial are mere side notes to the real issue: Duty Processing. [Couldn't they come up with a better name? Duty Processing sounds like what goes on in the colorectal system.] A controversial government program 25 years in the making, Duty Processing has taken work-release to a new low. Nonviolent criminals are given work contracts instead of prison terms, and what started as rehabilitation has, through the years, devolved into little better than slavery. [Slavery? I get it, you get caught embezzling from Goldman Sachs and your punishment is working the drive-through window at McDonald's, except that you don't get a paycheck and while you're handing people their food, Ronald McDonald is whipping you.]

Now a business owner has been murdered and a young DP is accused. As the suspect's advocate, Ellis is the only one protecting him from execution. [Maybe the only one officially protecting him, but the protestors, news crews, human rights groups, and Hollywood directors are probably mostly on his side.] Resisting every pressure to plead his client guilty and be done with him, David faces threats to his home, his family, his job, and even his life as the forces that profit from the DP system fight to crush his case.

DUTY BOY is a mainstream novel of 91,000 words that follows this case from the day of the murder to the trial's verdict. The completed manuscript is available, as well as a synopsis and sample chapters.


Notes

Is Duty Processing the actual name of a program, one that your novel has running amok? Or did you make it up?

I don't think David Ellis has a big enough role in the query. He's your main character, yet outside of the brief mention that he's in the circus, he doesn't appear until the last two sentences of the plot description. How about a little more about him, and perhaps an example of the jobs DP's have to do, and of how they're like slavery. Is it just the lack of paychecks?

So, is the accused actually called "Duty Boy" in the book? Because that's kind of insulting, both parts. It also sounds kind of childish; when I was a kid, some children referred to doodoo as "duty," rather than the more sophisticated term, "caca." Don't know if that's still the case.


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...It probably varies from state to state -- it sounds like work-release but here, work-release allows employed inmates to continue to work. I can't remember if they spend nights and weekends in jail or just weekends.
I'd give it a different title but I like the premise.


Anonymous said...I liked the title; I thought it catchy and evocative. However, I've never heard caca called duty before. I think this is a regional thing, and the author and I are apparently living in the wrong regions.


Anonymous said...I'm glad I survived with just a few doodoo jokes.

This is my official response to the title - 'duty boy' was a rudely intended slang term used a couple hundred years ago for the young men who'd immigrate from Europe and have to pay off the trip with so many years indentured servitude. I thought it was subtle. :-)

Thanks, EE!


December Quinn said...I don't understand. Wouldn't the people who profit from the DP system have a vested interest in keeping it going, and thus want the client to be found Not Guilty? Why would they be fighting to crush David's case, when a verdict against him would result in such a huge public outcry that the DP system would be put in serious jeopardy? Remember William Horton?

Other than that it's a good query, I think, but that really threw me.

Hey, EE, according to my husband the comic stud, those issues of Howard the Duck are worth considerable money.


rachel said...And there I always thought it was spelled "doody". BTW, my crush on EE is increased tenfold knowing he has Howard The Duck comic books.


dan said..."The Ringmaster originally had no inherent superhuman powers. His unique Top Hat has a swirling disk in the front which can send out a hypnotic beam and give him control of the minds of others. Tiboldt eventually had special hypnotic disks surgically grafted into his eyes. These implants allow him to mentally dominate individuals, but he still requires his hat to control large crowds.

With the Cosmic Ring, Tiboldt gained the ability to alter reality in a 15 foot radius around him." (from Wikipedia)


msjones said...The colorectal system, indeed – need a name change. Too subtle for the average non-historian. How about one of those bogus terms (like the Patriot Act) that belies its true nature? Call it the Free to Work program, or Working Free, or Working It Out, or Work Free-lease, or Business Releases Society’s Dregs, or Better Business/Better Dregs, or Partnership for a Dreg-Free America, or Sharpening Capitalist Tools.

As for the book title: Death Duty, Death Release, Indentured Death, Death’s Dregs, Free to Die, Work Free or Die, Work Free or Get Framed, The Inmate’s Lament, Tote the Weary Load (have never understood why Mitchell didn’t stick with that one instead of Gone With the Wind) – I can come up with others if you’re interested.


Daisy said...I actually think the title kind of works, assuming it's a way to demonstrate the level of disrespect with which the convicts are treated. (Man, that's a convoluted sentence. I wonder if EE does comment postings.)

I googled "duty processing" and it seems to be some kind of computer term, involving "edge servers" and "bonded site management".

And I'd always thought of it more as "doodie".


A Reader said...Duty Free might be funnier, since the protagonist wants to be free, and people at the airport might buy the book simply because of the title.


Spooks said...My dad was a DP - a displaced person, nowadays known as a refugee. Threw me when I saw DP...though I'm sure many have no idea of that particular reference.

Face-Lift 1144

Guess the Plot
Trinity

1. The story of the forbidden affair between Brown physicist Jeremy Swakowsy and Sgt. David Kyle as they anxiously work on the brave new world of the first atomic bomb.

2. A father, a son and an unholy ghost terrorize Vatican city. Only the pope himself has any chance of slaying the trio of vampires.

3. He's a college professor with a dirty secret: he gyrates on stage at Wild Stallions. One night a member of his university's departmental committee shows up at Wild Stallions with a few of her lady friends. How will this affect his tenure status?

4. When the head of Pastor Rubens is found outside the Church of the Holy Trinity, leaving the rest of his body impaled on the altar, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things. One, Rubens didn't slam that chunk of rebar through his own chest, and two, this could be the start of another rash of 'vampire killings' in LA.

5. Trinity believes her father is God and her best friend is a ghost. Her priest refuses to give her communion, and her psychiatrist has quit giving her drugs. What is a teenager to do? Trinity embarks on an evangelical road trip to hell where she learns the true meaning of religion--sex, drugs, and raising money.

6. An atheist is put in charge of maintaining the balance of Light and Dark on the planet. Someone's gotta do it, and the Believers can't be trusted to give the Dark Side a fair shake.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Below is a query letter for my novel Trinity. The title Trinity comes from the union of the three essential forces on Earth: Light, Dark and the balancing neutrality of the planet itself. Thank you for considering my letter. I'm looking forward to the critique. Everyone needs a good cry once and a while...



Dear Agent,

Louden Ellery didn’t believe in God. Prayer was merely an exercise in procrastination. He was completely unprepared, then, to become the Guardian of the Amulet, a relic as old as Earth itself. Empowered by the amulet, Louden must maintain the balance of Light and Dark on the planet. [I'm not that clear on how the first two sentences relate to the rest. Apparently believing in God is not a requirement for becoming the Amulet Guardian, so why bring it up? Is everyone who believes in God prepared to become the Guardian?]

Aided by a cranky witch, with authority issues and a mysterious priest, [Neither of those commas was needed.] who is too comfortable in combat situations, Louden must consolidate the power of the amulet and stop an ambitious demon from enslaving mankind. That is, before suspect allies and newfound enemies, looking to command the amulet for their own devices, prematurely end Louden’s tenure - a life long commitment. ["That is," doesn't make much sense as the beginning of that sentence. Also this being the last sentence of your plot, I suggest you move it to a new paragraph and expand on it with some information about these allies and enemies and the "devices" for which they want the amulet. It would help to know whether the enslavement of mankind by a demon is better or worse than whatever these other characters want to do.]

Trinity is a fast paced, fantasy novel set in the near future where dragons have mysteriously appeared and the occult abounds. [If dragons mysteriously appear, I would think that would be mentioned as a main plot point, not tossed in as an aside after you've finished with the plot. It's like a query for Gone with the Wind that doesn't mention the Civil War until the wrapup.] Trinity is an engrossing hero’s journey as Louden grudgingly unravels the legacy of the amulet and masters its power. [Two consecutive sentences starting "Trinity is." Choose one or combine the best of both.]

Trinity is my first novel, but I have published non-fiction previously in a trade publication. I am currently working on a second novel while I solicit agents. I am looking for an agent that will be a partner, who will help me build a commercial writing career.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing back from you. Sample pages are available upon request. [Combine the six sentences in those two paragraphs into one paragraph with three sentences. You may decide which three sentences to dump.]


Notes

I don't see what God has to do with anything. What God are we talking about? This Light, Dark, and the balancing neutrality of the planet doesn't sound like a religion of our near future.

I'm not sure what's meant by consolidating the Amulet's power. What does Louden have to do, exactly?

Who decided Louden was to be the Guardian, and why are the suspect allies and new-found enemies allowed to try to gain command of the amulet? The decision isn't automatically accepted by all?

If I were suddenly handed a lifelong commitment I wasn't expecting, and someone else wanted it, I'd say, "Take it, it's all yours." Louden's commitment seems more like what I'd expect from someone who did expect to have the responsibility that goes with the amulet.

I'm on vacation and blogging on my ipad is more trouble than it's worth, so while I will be posting comments, there won't be new posts until after Saturday.

New Beginning 1010

“Let’s try them, just for fun,” Paula said. She held up a pack of Tarot cards, confiscated from one of the kids at the evening’s campfire.

“Open the door and the devil walks in,” I said. “Messing around with the occult is an invitation to evil, that’s what Pastor Jim teaches. Hand ‘em over.” I reached under my bunk and pulled out a cardboard box of Bible camp contraband — a string of firecrackers, a halter top, a Harry Potter book. No condoms this year, not yet. As senior counselors, Paula and I were entrusted with keeping such evidence in our cabin.

“It’s a game, Caitlyn, come on. Quit being Miss-bless-my-heart for a few minutes.” Paula thumped a Bible onto the table. “There, now we’re protected.” She pulled a first card from the pack and looked at it. “The Drowning Man,” she announced, and let the card fall to the tabletop. She pulled a second card. "Justice."

I stepped closer. “How do you know the names?”

Paula smiled and held up a third card. This had to be a joke. A picture of my childhood home? “You need to stop, right now,” I said.

Just then the door opened and the Devil himself walked into the cabin. My heart thudded as his flinty gaze took in the cards, the Bible, the halters.

"Stop?" he said, flashing a smile that promised filthy delights, "We're only getting started."

I caught sight of the box in his hand and my skull echoed with the deafening roar of blood rushing. In the final moments before I lost consciousness I didn't pray. No, my last thought was amazement. Lucifer preferred Trojans? Somehow I'd imagined him as a Magnum Man. 


Opening: IMHO.....Continuation: Veronica Rundell

Feedback Request

The author of True Fire has posted a revision in the comments here. Your input would be appreciated.

Success Story

Chelsea Pitcher reports that her YA urban fantasy, IMMORTAL SACRIFICE (previously titled THE LAST CHANGELING and CHILD OF THE DARK COURT) just sold to Flux in a 2-book deal."My query and opening first appeared in 2008 as Face-Lift 578 and New Beginning 574, and again in 2011 as New Beginning 892 ."I could not have done this without you and the minions. Your site has taught me how to revise (and to never give up!) THANK YOU."

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Blood and Skin

1. A clumsy dermatologist comes to terms with his ineptitude and finds love with a plastic surgeon who looks terrific in a bikini thanks to her do-it-herself surgeries.

2. Sometimes a vampire needs more than just a drink. In Blood and Skin, Kevin Nivek takes a job as a night coroner in the D.C. morgue to satisfy his hunger for... well... blood and skin.

3. Young Davey MacDonald is sent from Scotland to his paternal uncle’s home in the Midwest. One day, in the forbidden kitchen of Uncle Roald’s fast food restaurant, Davey makes a devastating discovery.

4. Though Lisa died seven years ago, her ghost continues to make tattooist Sam Roark's life a living hell in this supernatural thriller set amid Minnesota's thriving body piercing and tattooing subculture.

5. A pair of retro undercover cops, one black, one white, hunt an elusive Russian mob boss and discover she’s blonde, beautiful, and ready to experiment.

6. Nothing less than a burned and bloodly corpse could force Hematologist Mark Ungaro to work with Dr. Kimberly Bishop at Presbyterian Hospital. Kim, a Park Avenue dermatologist, had treated his wife into a mid-life crisis and ruined his marriage.



Original Version

Tattooist Sam Roark is a haunted man. [For those who are interested, Evil Editor has three tattoos: On my back I have the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel; on my stomach, the mirror image of a road map of Bangkok; and the third one is a cruise missile--I don't think I'll tell you where that one is.] All he wants is a simple, peaceful life. Draw up a few tattoos, do a few piercings and get to know Bex, the pretty New Zealand tourist with the blond dreadlocks. [A tourist from New Zealand visits the U.S., and goes to Minnesota? And sticks around long enough to get to know a tattoo artist?] [Maybe she's touring all of America's tattooing hotbeds. You know, LA, Miami, New York, Winnebago.] The only problem is Lisa Torres. Almost seven years since the night of her death, there's no way she's about to give up and let Sam get on with his life. Though powerless to actually harm him, she has countless ways to make his life a living hell.

But when a very physical, flesh and blood attempt is made on Sam's life, it quickly becomes apparent that her hunger for revenge [Revenge for what? Did he murder her?] has found an ally among the living. It's an alliance the ghost soon learns to fear and regret. As guilty and innocent alike begin to die, [Guilty and innocent of what?] Sam's search for the killer forces him to descend into a world of lies and deception, where everyone is driven by dark engines of pain and fear and no one is what they seem. Could Sam's hidden enemy be his deeply twisted former lover Tash, [How many deeply twisted former lovers does this guy have?] jealous rival and self-styled dark magician Marcus, [Dark magician: He's like David Copperfield, except that when Copperfield brings you back after making you disappear, you still have your soul.] [Also, how did a dark magician get into this plot? And is he jealous of Sam's tat designs or Sam's relationship with the New Zealand tourist?] [Is Marcus an evil enough name for a dark magician?] or even someone he always considered a trusted friend?

Blood and Skin is a complete first person 98,000 word supernatural thriller set in Minnesota's tattooing and body piercing subculture.

The first few pages are enclosed to give you a feel for my style. If you'd like to read more about Sam and Bex and the dangers they face, I'll be happy to provide sample chapters and a synopsis, a partial or the complete manuscript.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,


Revised Version

Dear xx:

Tattoo artist Sam Roark is a haunted man. Literally. All he wants is a simple, peaceful life: draw up a few tattoos, do a few piercings, and get to know Bex, the pretty New Zealander with the blond dreadlocks. The only problem is Lisa Torres. Seven years ago, Sam botched Lisa's tattoos, putting the bear trap on her left breast and the shark's mouth on the right, instead of vice versa. In the fight that followed, Lisa was stabbed to death by a navel piercing needle. Now, she refuses to let Sam get on with his life. Though powerless to physically harm him, she has countless ways to make his life a living hell.

When a flesh and blood attempt is made on Sam's life, it becomes apparent that Lisa's hunger for revenge has found an ally among the living. But who? Is it a former lover? Is it a trusted friend? Or is it Sam's jealous rival, the dark magician known as . . . Diabolos? The cops don't have a clue. As Sam's customers die, one by one, Sam realizes his business will soon dry up--unless he can stop the killer first.

Blood and Skin is a complete first-person 98,000 word supernatural thriller set amid Minnesota's tattooing and body piercing subculture. The first few pages are enclosed. If you'd like to read more about Sam and Bex and the dangers they face, I'll be happy to provide a partial or the complete manuscript. Thank you.

Sincerely,


Notes

As always, if Evil Editor has incorrectly guessed the specifics of your plot, feel free to substitute your own less-entertaining specifics.


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...I want you right now, EE, if only to see where exactly the third tattoo is located and what it can do.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Pan- theon of Dreams

1. Billionaire Robbie Dell has everything he ever wanted in his Ancient-Rome themed estate. Everything, that is, except the original Pantheon. So, when the Italian authorities refuse to sell it to him, Robbie hatches a plan to steal it.

2. Morpheus, god of sleep, comes to Earth disguised as a Greek sailor. Dreams come true for lonely Hypnos, the god of dreams, when he spies Morpheus browsing the antique shops on Santorini.

3. Summoned to investigate a murder, two homicide detectives discover that the victim is Calliope, one of the nine Muses from Greek mythology.

4. A vacation in Rome becomes a nightmare when Jenny Binter steps into the Pantheon and discovers a portal to another realm.

5. To Marlys, it's a magical place, a lovely palace where anything can happen, a beautiful and enchanted realm. But to her mother, it's just a very messy room.

6. A new contest on HGTV turns the Pantheon in Rome into your very own Tuscan Villa--but only if you guess exactly how much it weighs.


Original Version

Please find enclosed the first three chapters of Pantheon of Dreams, the first in a potential series of urban fantasy murder mysteries. Two homicide detectives investigate the mysterious death of a wealthy recluse. She turns out to be one of the Muses of Greek mythology. [I realize CSI units have come a long way, but getting from, There's a dead body in there, to It's one of the Muses from Greek mythology is a giant leap.] [At what point in the book is it discovered that the victim is a Muse? I'm not sure I want to be reading a standard murder mystery, wondering whodunnit, and suddenly near the end Zeus shows up.] [It's Thalia, Muse of comedy, right? And the coroner figures it out during the autopsy when he cuts her open and a flock of mockingbirds fly forth from her thoraxic cavity?] Their investigation, and the circumstances surrounding her murder, draw in a cast of characters that realize that their normal world has a whole world within it. [Whatever that means.]

I have a B.S. in Biology [Which helps me add realism to my use of biological entities as characters.] (with an undeclared major in English) [Impressive. I, myself, have an undeclared Doctorate of Pharmacy.] and work as an environmental toxicologist. [The Muse was killed by an undetectable poison. I was almost stumped, and thinking I was going to have to read the book, but it just came to me.] My family includes practicing obeah people (think Jamaican voodoo) [A red herring. Voodoo had nothing to do with it. She was poisoned.] and I am a part-time pastor, having been in the ministry for over ten years. [Unless you're a homicide detective or an ancient Greek, or you've fully described your book already, I don't care to know this stuff. A better use for the space would be adding information about your plot. For instance, who had a motive to murder the Muse?] I've had fiction accepted by the Dark Dreams II, and DeathGrip: Exit Laughing anthologies as well as Weird Tales magazine.

The novel is complete and can be sent at your request. Thank you for your time and interest. I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,


Notes

Someone gets murdered and it turns out to be a Muse. That's all we get? Those three chapters had better start off with a bang, because the only question I have is what a Muse is doing in . . . wherever we are, and since there's no guarantee that the answer is revealed before chapter 4, I'd like more to go on in the letter.

Also when the query letters are really short, it's hard to work as many laughs into the critique. Have a little compassion for Evil Editor. Give me some material to work with.


Selected Comments

Rei said...Part of this reads almost like a spoof query that I once wrote. I half expect it to continue:

"I went to high school in Portland, Oregon, but I moved to Texas at the age of 23. My favorite colors are red, green, and chartruce. I do not have an Aunt Petunia, but I do like petunias. I worked briefly as a lumberjack, but the job didn't really work out because of a debilitating allery to cedar. On Wednesdays, I go shopping, and have buttered scones for tea."


Dave said...Maybe when Calliope dies, TV and movie plots dry up and reality shows take over.


Writerious said...I've got a B.S. in Biology, too, but I only put that in query letters if I'm writing biology-related nonfiction. And even then, publishing credits come first.

And as they say...

B.S. means... well, we all know what B.S. stands for.

M.S. is "more of the same."

Ph.D. is "piled higher and deeper."

I'm busy piling it higher and deeper tonight as I pound away on my dissertation. Oh, man, am I piling it higher and deeper.


Nancy said...Sounds like this might be something I'd read, but I agree with EE: There's not enough to chew on here. The query is too short.

And as for listing degree in biology or that you're a pastor - delete all that - but keep the credits about your stories appearing in mags/anthologies.


Zombie Deathfish said...Potentially this could be interesting, but at the moment the plot appears too thin. I want to know more about the murder and the characters, lots more.

New Beginning 1009

"I'm rewriting Bible verses for my next book." Jonah said before taking a quick puff from his e-cig. "This will be my best book ever."

"Bible verses?" Lacey rolled her eyes. "That's about effing stupid."

"With great power comes great responsibility." Jonah looked up at Lacey and gave her a crooked smile.

"Stan Lee quoted Voltaire." Lacey smiled. Her face beautiful, even without makeup.

"Jesus said basically the same thing." Jonah turned back to his work.

"Prove it." Lacey put her hands on her hip, bent over and put her face directly in front of Jonah's.

Jonah looked into Lacey's emerald green eyes. The urge to touch her was strong. He had these feelings since the first time they met. If only he could place his lips on hers. But how could he? Especially since he recently discovered that she was his sister.

On the other hand, they were alone together. They did have a few hours to kill. Lacey was wearing those Daisy Dukes for a reason. And what the hell? The Bible was full of siblings getting it on. 


Opening: Uknowme.....Continuation: CavalierdeNuit