Evil Editor's Blog, page 123

Strip 2.11

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Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Demon Horn

1. Klaxons. Trumpets. Air horns. All are ear-splittingly loud. But as Lois McGillicuddy is about to discover, nothing can compare to the abject horror of a possessed vuvuzela.

2. Hearing glorious tales of the potency of human horn, but not wishing to resort to cannibalism, adult film star Dick Swingin challenges the evil creatures of hell itself in his quest for the ultimate aphrodisiac.

3. The demon horn casts its red light across the land until it falls upon a poor tavern waiter named Aden. Suddenly Aden challenges a squire to a sword fight, except Aden's "sword" is a broom. Little does anyone suspect that the outcome of this fight will decide the fate of nations.

4. When Julio's mother makes him join middle school band, he thinks all he has to fear is social humiliation. But then he picks out his instrument at that weird pawn shop. Now he plays like an angel, but the rest of the brass section are disappearing one by one.

5. Ada Parker’s newest sax student is hot. Literally. He leaves scorch marks on the couch, wisps of smoke wherever he walks, and his horn always glows when he plays. Though he pays her only what she charges her other students, she can’t help but get the feeling he wants more from her than great sax.

6. Dison Alu, the leader of the World Heritage Foundation anti-poaching task force in Kenya, faces his toughest task yet when one of the protected rhinos begins killing every local it sees, and they in turn decide to kill every rhino they can find.



Original version

Dear Evil Editor,

It is a time of war and prophecy. The demon horn casts its red light over the land. But none of that matters to the tavern boy Aden. Filthy and poor, he is too busy serving tables and hoping for a decent meal. [After hearing about the mysterious and powerful demon horn with its far-reaching scarlet radiance, it's a bit of a letdown to realize the query will focus on a filthy waiter in a bar.]

The great hall is loud with boisterous drinkers. Aden lingers to admire the knights who fought so well at tournament. A group of wealthy youths mock and insult him. Furious, Aden blindly throws himself at Paulo without considering the consequences. [If "blindly" means "without considering the consequences," you can delete it. If it means he's blind, okay.] A tavern boy, who is only familiar with using a broom, has no business (or future) sword fighting a squire. [Or does he? Let's read on and find out.]

Ramon, the blacksmith, leaves the company of his favourite girl and follows the fight outside. No one pays him any attention or guesses at how much he knows. [There's a fight going on; of course no one's paying attention to anything else. If you're in a bar and a fight breaks out, do you look at some guy off to the side and guess at how much he knows?] Unlike the king, Ramon fears that a terrible new enemy is coming. [That's true of those insane bearded guys you see in cartoons, carrying signs that say The end is near. Why should we believe this blacksmith has better information than the king?]

From the shadows Ramon watches Aden struggle. [Normally a bunch of people would pour out of the tavern and surround the fighters, cheering them on and placing bets. Why is Ramon in the shadows?] He knows Aden is special but sees a fire in him as dangerous as it is powerful. Can he forge this reckless boy into the weapon they need or is it better to let him die? [If the dangerous powerful fire in Aden isn't enough to defeat one squire, perhaps he isn't so special after all. Let him die.]

A fantasy, DEMON HORN is complete at 88,000 words.

This is my first novel. I believe it is a fresh view on a medieval world with colourful characters and Portuguese influences. [Boisterous drinkers. The wealthy mocking the poor. A muscular shirtless blacksmith named Ramon who'd rather watch guys wrestle than be with his favorite woman. Yep, this has Portugal written all over it.]

Thank you for your time.

Regards,


Notes

We want to know what happens in the whole book. This sounds like what happens on page 1. Of the prologue.

Is the book set in Portugal? Is the terrible enemy Ramon foresees an actual historical enemy that attacked Portugal? Is it a demon? Is there a Portuguese legend involving a demon horn? Is the horn the kind that grows out of a demon's head? Did Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan pass through Cape Horn?

Presumably the setup is Ramon forging Aden into a controllable weapon of mass destruction. Which makes this scene the setup of the setup. It gives a sense of what's coming, but so does this: There's a storm brewing, and it's going to be a big one. Dorothy should be in the storm shelter, but she's gone off to search for her dog Toto. Doesn't really give a complete picture of the book. Apparently Aden will develop some skills that make him the key to defeating some enemy. For all we can tell from this query, Aden gets conked on the head by Paulo's sword and wakes up in Oz.


Selected Comments

Anonymous Sarah said...Whoever slipped the Futurama ref into GTP2 deserves a pat on the back!

To the author - I was initially intrigued by the powerful demon horn, but then it's not mentioned again for the whole query. Instead, we have a waiter who's starving (lack of practicality in the character right there; kitchens are busy places and there's a lot of food lying around). There was also an abrupt scene shift between paragraphs that left me wondering whether the great hall was in the tavern.

What's Ramon for? Presumably he doesn't just watch, so what does he do? He comes across as passive in your query. And why is Aden special? I think my biggest problem with the query was a lack of specificity about everything but the fight, which it seems is only there to clue Ramon in to Aden's specialness. I'm more interested in why he's special and what the evil demon horn is up to, assume it's not just EE's new way of announcing the start of a writing exercise. Actually, I'd still read that.

In spite of the above, I think there's a pretty cool fantasy in here somewhere. I hope to see a revision of this query at some point. :)


Dave F. said...You are doing your novel a disservice in trying to sell it with that one scene -- a fight in a bar. That's not a fantasy. I once worked with a guy who was banned in four bars for fighting drunk.

This is like those old Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland movie where they need to save something and they stage a musical to raise money. That's also the plot of THE BLUES BROTHERS. Now people watched Rooney and Garland because they were great and people watch Jake and Elwood because they entertain (my personal favorite is Cab Calloway's Minnie the Moocher).

So what is the story after Ramon and Aden share a plate of chorizo sausage? Why would we fall in love with Aden like people fell in love with Edward and Jacob?


Stephen Prosapio said...Agree with EE (as usual). This is written pretty well, but one situation in the story isn't a query.


M. G. E. said...For a query I think you at least have to give away the opening, the complications, and most of the middle of the story, until we reach the 2nd plot doorway, the "will he or won't he moment."

That's not to say a query is a synopsis, but it's much more like a synopsis than what you've got here.

If I were to boil this down to an actual query format it might go something like this:

Aden is a young barboy in a land wracked with war, poverty, and ridiculous prophecies.

But Ramon, the local blacksmith, knows about Aden's secret past. No one believed Aden's mother when she claimed to have been raped by a demon, but Ramon saw the whole thing. Too scared to confirm her story, he's watched the boy grow up, knowing Aden is half-demon, and could be the key to overthrowing "the wicked antagonist" if his latent powers are properly guided.

And that would really just be like a start--I simply don't know what else happens in your story :P But we'd want to get some sense of how Aden goes about it and what personal challenge he faces, and who the enemy is.

Right now, too much of this query is completely cliche for me to be much interested. Even the writing was overly familiar.


Stephen Prosapio said...M.G.E.'s opening hooked me!


arhooley said...Right now, too much of this query is completely cliche for me to be much interested.

Joran/Aden/Luke Skywalker was a farmboy/waiter/farmboy with latent powers, and a brown mage/Ramon/Obi Wan perceives his specialness and potential for defeating the imperialist enemy.

Despite your adherence to convention, I think you got a good start on distinguishing Aden from his counterparts in Star Wars and Stool Wars. But it was a little jarring that he is both resigned to his fate and furiously resentful of it -- hoping only for a good meal and then fighting madly for his honor. Can you work out his psychology better and, as the others say, give us the plot?


Whirlochre said...Can't see how the Portuguese influence manifests itself here — unless, after chapter 1, Cristiano Ronaldo sidefoots evil into the Mediterranean.
Your first paragraph tells me more about your story than everything else combined.

But, poor boy vs demon thing could work.

Looks like you're lopping everything after para 1.


AA said...I didn't get past the part where a waiter is going hungry. HE IS SURROUNDED BY FOOD.They didn't even mind eating after each other back then, since germs had not yet been discovered.

TSTL.


M. G. E. said..."They didn't even mind eating after each other back then, since germs had not yet been discovered."

Oh, it's worse than that. London in the middle-ages had children fighting each other for undigested chunks of food found in the feces floating through the street's open sewers.

And while they realized that disease could be spread by the air, they believed foul air could be warded off by good-smelling things, and often wore a pouch of good-smelling herbs and scent around their neck (otherwise known as potpourri") :P


Angela Robbins said...As usual, the previous comments--including ee's have said it all. We need the meat and bones of your story, not just the appetizer.

What MGE wrote was excellent, and I would focus on writing a query more in the lines of that. Or just steal it! ; )

Evil Editor Classics

Talk Like a Pirate Day

A film from the vault.




Be Careful What You Wish For Authors were asked to write scenes based on the following prompt:

Miss Snark was thrilled to find herself trapped in an elevator with her favorite actor, George Clooney, but the strict method actor refuses, even under such dire circumstances, to abandon the "pirate" persona from his current film, O Laddie, Whar Be Thee? After two hours, the "act" has begun to wear thin. Even Miss Snark has her limits.


1. It shouldn’t have surprised her, but it did. Ever since she quit blogging, the world presented itself with uncompromising clarity.

“Arrrr! It cannot beeee!”

Miss Snark gritted her teeth. The way he rolled his eyes and paused before saying something was beyond irritating. You could actually see the wheels turning in this nitwit’s head. He flipped his cell phone shut. “Did ye say somethin’ durrrin’ meeee…cellularrrrr…er, convarrrrsationnnn?”

“I said, you’re a nitwit.”

He gazed upward, mouth open. After a few seconds, he spoke again. “Arrrrr ye callin’ me the Pirate Lorrrrd of Nitwitarrrrreeeee?”

Miss Snark swung her Prada handbag. Cap’n Clooney fell back, smacked his head on the wall, and slid to the floor. Blood dribbled from his nose, down his clean-shaven cheek. He even bleeds like a wuss, she thought. What was I thinking?

The elevator suddenly lurched and began descending. When it stopped, the doors opened only a few inches, but a pair of incredibly sexy hands appeared and pried them apart. The elevator was still two feet above the third floor, and standing in the doorway with an outstretched hand, was a really gorgeous man. He had a thin goatee and long dark hair underneath a black fedora. “This way, Miss.”

Miss Snark let him help her down. He peeked inside the elevator, saw the buffoon laid out on the floor, and glanced back at her over his shoulder. Then he flashed a wicked grin and pressed the down button.

An overweight man in coveralls waddled up to her rescuer and shook his hand. “Thanks for your help, Mr. Depp.”

“Anytime, mate.”

Without thinking, Miss Snark wrapped her arm around his waist. He raised an eyebrow and smiled. Now this is a real pirate, she thought as they strolled down the hallway. I wonder if rum comes in pails, too?

--blogless_troll


2. "Aye wench, my cutlass do not rise an' salute ye like the bowsprit on a dandy's prow." George said to the woman with moss-green eyes and yapping poodle.

"I love you George, and all you do is act like you're grogged to the gunwales. Your middy stinks of dead cuttlefish, too." She bawled into an overworked hanky, never noticing a light blinking their imminent rescue.

"Don't be cryin' wench. I be wantin' an heir from ye, a stout, ruddy lad. Methinks ye might be me prize schooner."

"Take me to, I think yuns call it, Viola's garden."

"I be mountin' your gangway. Ye wouldn't have me use that squiffy cur Damon, would ye?"

"Scupper that scurvy dog. Sail ho on this bounty!" Miss Snark raised her skirts, revealing scarlet-red silk lace.

"Ye're saucy . . . festoons 'n all. Kiss the gunner's daughter and I'll plow thy seas."

A chime sounded. The elevator door opened. Matt, dressed as a nerdy repairman with no chin, grinned. George whipped out his cutlass.

"Ye scurvy dog, ye be wantin' to plunder me booty. I'll keelhaul ye, scurvy cur!" George yelled. Matt bolted. George pursued. Killer Yapp ran after both.

"Lost him again." The elevator doors slid shut as Miss Snark sank into an ocean of despair.

--Dave


3. “C’mere, me buxom beauty.”

“You, you . . . filthy landlubber! Take your hands off me!”

“Avast! Ye've another man? Who be he? That scurvy dog. I’ll crush his skull. Be it Capt’n Boner? Or that other rat, Evil Egghead?”

It’s you! You nitwit! I’m in love with you. But not this phony pirate you’re pretending to be.”

“Ah, me ol’ self. Tossed 'im overboard quicker'n I down me grog.”

“Grog?”

“Me liquor, lassie.”

“I could use some grog.”

“Aye, lassie. Here ye are.”

“Thanks. Hey, I said, take your hands off me!”

“But I have to get me pillagin’ n rapin’ in somehow . . . More grog?”

“When is this elevator going to open?”

I've a better portal fer ye. Arr. I can open it now. Arr.”

“That’s . . . disgusting.”

“It’s not the size o' the boat. It’s the motion o' the ocean. Arr.”

“No, George. It IS the size of the boat.”

--takoda


4. Lacking a scabbard, George put his sword back in his pants. Muttering something that sounded like “heart o’gold, arrgh! buns of steel,” he slicked back his love-soaked hair and cocked an eyebrow at the Gin Flask from which the Snark was currently imbibing.

“ I thank ye fer a nip? I be needing to slacke my other thirst ”

Miss Snark adjusted her stockings and pouted contentedly at the pirate George. She was basking in her own private afterglow, but she handed over the flask.

“Where’s your rum, anyway?”

“Aye Missy Snark, ’tis a mournful tale. Me crew, y' see, me cabin boys and the cook (the pagan fool) struck mutiny, aye they set me afloat with nary crumb nor keg.

As the piney fresh gin soughed softly through the branches of her central nervous system, she found she could tune out the annoying cadence of his pirate-speak while floating in a hazy nap-like bubble. The bubble abruptly burst when she felt the stiffness thrust into her hands. Blinking twice, Miss Snark was amazed to see a 400-page Manuscript.

“Arrgh, Missy, could you be looking through me pages here? Damned if Satan himself, down the way o’ the Southern Cross, didn’t tell me you were the best agent in the two one two.”

--ME


5. If you say “Aargh” one more time, I’m gonna knee you in the nuts, buckle your swash and stick my stiletto up your butt, she thought, smiling sweetly at the man who used to be her favorite fantasy. And I’m not your f#@king wench!
She looked down at Killer Yapp, passed out on the floor. He knew within five minutes this would not be a pleasant party. He stole her flask, downed it quickly and now snored peacefully. Grandmother Snark’s favorite Parcheesi partner was nearing Davey Jones locker!

Oh dog, he was speaking again. “Miss Snark, now that you’ve heard all my lines from the dramatic, the semi-dramatic and the drunken pirate fight scenes, would you like to help me practice for my romantic encounter with the heroine?”

Now you're talking, thought Miss Snark. “Why yes, George, I’d be happy to help.”

“Okay,” he said. “You’re about the right age to be Griselda’s mother. In this scene you’ve caught us kissing and are forbidding her to see me anymore.”

“Yapp, you’re dead," Miss Snark said. "Note to self: Buy a bigger flask!"

--Anti-Wife


6. "Look, George, it's been two hours. Obviously they're not trying to rescue us. We could be trapped here for days."

"Aaarrrrrgh! Right ye be, Missy."

"We could die here. I could be the last woman you ever see . . . touch . . . kiss . . . "

"Aye, me last wench. 'Tis--"

"Listen, bucko, could you do me a favor till we get outta here, and can the pirate lingo?"

"Aaaarrrrrrgh! Nay, ne'er, matey." He adjusted his eye patch.

"You realize you're ruining ten years of delicious fantasies, don't you?"

"Avast, ye smarmy--"

"Fuck. I knew I should have gone with Hugh Grant or EE. Look, George, someone's gotta climb through that door in the ceiling and figure out how to get help."

"Aaaaarrrrrrrrghhhh! Ye can't lift me that thar high, I be too heavy for the likes o' ye. I'll 'ave to lift thee."

"Fine. Whatever. Maybe I'll get lucky and there'll be someone in the elevator shaft who speaks English."

George squatted below the escape hatch. "Stand on me shoulders. That's it . . . Aaaaarrrrrrrgh!"

"What?"

"Yer stilettos! They're diggin into me shoul--"

"Wimp. Dog, did I ever have you figured wrong."

"Can ye open th' hatch?" He looked up. "Whoa!"

"Now what?"

"Missy, I've plundered me share o' booty in me day, but that's the prettiest booty I e'er did lay me eyes on."

Miss Snark dropped to the floor and threw her arms around George. "Why Cap'n," she said. "Be that a cutlass in yer breeches, or arrrgh ye just 'appy t' see me?"

-EE


Another Film from the Vault.
 

Evil Editor Classics

Double Feature from the Vault

Strip 2.10

Click strip to enlarge.

Face-Lift 1154

Guess the Plot

Where the Lines Begin

1. They call him the man in black, but Johnny knows all he has to do is sing the blues. Now he has fame, and cash, but a vindictive cop named Sue has it in for John. After a few too many beers, Folsom prison is calling his name. All he has to do is walk the line, if only he could find...

2. Photographic guide to the world's Apple stores. Also available as an app and an Instagram gal-- just a second, I have to take this... Hello?
 
3. The bank. The grocery. The ladies' room. This non-fiction treatise examines the origin of queuing and how it saved Damascus in 1654.

4. A hot day, three surly kids, no beer, $100 on refreshments down the tubes, and Mark still has no idea where the line for the 'Monsters Inc' ride begins.

5. Jeremiah Owens discovers that all of the lines mankind relies on for food and transportation originate beneath the ancient city of Thule. He is convinced that if he goes there and commits suicide, he'll save the world. Whether he's right or wrong, it looks like there won't be a sequel.

6. Jenny Aberdeen wants to break out of her life as a reporter for the Cleveland Plain Dealer. She pitches a show to Discovery Channel about the very first lane markers in the US. If she plays her cards right, she'll get a TV gig and a book deal and someone else will pay for her 'workation'. Best seller list, here she comes!



Original Version

Dear most Evil Editor, 

The world burned, the mages died, and Jeremiah Owens survived by making a deal with Fate. He got endless chances to save the world and immortality. She got his soul.

Ever since Jeremiah Owens made that thrice-cursed deal he’s been running. Running in an endless loop in time trying to save the world. Running out of hope.

A lifetime ago, and a week from now, a necromancer absorbed [/will absorb] the ley lines mankind has come to rely on for food and transportation. With their power he will unleash a horde of the undead, and they’ll pour across the earth. 

After dying more times than [an immortal guy should have to, or than] he cares to remember, Jeremiah has discovered the ancient city of Thule holds the key to saving the world. [Keys are always in the last place you look.] [If you want to cut 20,000 words, have Jeremiah check out Thule before he tries Cimmeria and Aquilonia and Stygia.] [Does he discover Thule is the key in an ancient book, or is it basically process of elimination: "When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, even if it's Thule, must be the key."--Sherlock Holmes]

Jeremiah must reach Thule before the necromancer breaches the wards protecting it, and brave the horrors that were left behind when the city was abandoned. The ley lines start deep beneath the ancient city. A life freely given there will ensure the lines are protected, but the sacrifice’s soul will be destroyed. [How is this known?]

Only, his soul belongs to Fate, and no one gets out of a deal with her. She moves to collect, [Collect his soul? I thought she already got his soul. (See the last sentence of paragraph 1.)] [If she doesn't get his soul till he dies permanently, why would she give him immortality?] stripping him of the immortality he has damned himself for, and sends her soldiers to hound him on his trek to Thule. [No one gets out of a deal with Fate, but Fate can just renege on her part of the deal? In my opinion if she strips him of his immortality she doesn't get his soul. A deal's a deal.]

The question is, can he kill himself before Fate, or Thule does it for him? [So the readers are supposed to root for the main character to kill himself?] [Wouldn't it be easier to kill the necromancer than to fight (and dig) his way deep beneath Thule to kill himself?]

Where the Lines Begin is a complete 100,000-word fantasy novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely.


Notes

If Fate were the one who was threatening to unleash zombies, or if the necromancer were the one who granted Jerry immortality, we could focus on one villain. Are Fate and the necromancer in cahoots? Normally I would expect Fate to have a broader agenda than a necromancer, yet here the necromancer wants to pour zombies across the earth, while Fate wants to hang onto one soul. Fate is above this fray. She should cause the necromancer to get run over by a bus. Didn't she get enough souls when the world burned?

Is Jeremiah a mage or just some guy?

When the world burned/will burn, did/will everyone except Jeremiah die? Or did/will just the mages die? What's the difference between a necromancer and a mage?

According to Wikipedia, the term "ley lines" was coined in 1921. Is the term used in the book? When is the book set? Ley lines don't strike me as things that can be absorbed. Is it their mystical energy the necromancer absorbs?

I think if you could get this sentence: A lifetime ago, and a week from now, a necromancer absorbed the ley lines mankind has come to rely on for food and transportation. out of the query you'd be better off. Maybe in the query you can refer to some kind of power source rather than the beginning point of the ley lines, especially as you describe the lines' food and transportation aspect rather than their supposed mystical qualities.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

More Beer

1. She may be plain, plump and uninteresting, but Dolores Gray knows just what it takes to get guys to hit on her.

2. Sorry. My fault. Sent you my shopping list instead of your rejection slip. Silly really; they were both on my desk. Uh, you don't happen to have any beer . . . ?

3. More Beer the dragon spends too much time sniffing people's butts. It's up to Daniel to teach him some manners or get rid of him before somebody's nether region gets fried.

4. When writer Steve Farnsworth's marriage collapses the day after his layoff from the New York Times, he decides it's time to go on a soul-searching adventure. Can he get his editor friend to give him an advance big enough that he can experience every bar in Aruba?

5. Roy and his BDDP (Best Damn Drinkin Buddy) Snuffy have to make the Friday night beer run. Who knew the local Kwik-E-Mart was going to be taken over by aliens from the planet Syrah? They've replaced all the beer with fine vintage wines, and Roy and Snuffy have until closing time to find some Pilsner.

6. Joe is nearing middle age. His family no longer seems important to him, and to be truthful, there IS that really hot neighbor next door. But when Tessa, Joe's six year old daughter, goes next door to borrow an egg and finds her father and Ms. Sedalli curled up on the couch, Joe can think of only one way to deal with his falling apart life: More Beer.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor[,]

Daniel is the only one who can see the dragon sniffing around his friend Gibbo’s butt.

Except for two otherworld mages, that is, [Opening with a one-sentence paragraph is like saying, I don't need to elaborate; I've done enough to hook you already. Contradicting that sentence in the next five words is like saying, You can't believe anything I write.] [ The worst part is, you weren't off by one one-hundredth, as you would have been if you'd said that 100 people could see the dragon, when in fact only 99 could see it. You were off by a multiple of three. It's like if a book about early civilization opened: There were seven wonders of the ancient world. If you don't count the other fourteen. It's like saying, More Beer is 60,000 words . . . except for the other 120,000.] who say the dragon is drawn by power and that it stays around because Daniel is a mage. If that’s so, why does the dragon hang around Gibbo? [Has anyone else noticed that about 95% of all two-syllable words ending in the letter "o" start with the letter "g"? You've got gumbo, gecko, gusto, Gabbo (famous name in ventriloquism), Gobbo (Italian hunchback), Gazoo (Flintstones character), Gonzo, Gringo, go-go, Jello, Groucho (Marx), Gummo (Marx), ginkgo, igloo, Gordo (what Ted often called Gordie on The Mary Tyler Moore Show), and Lady Gaga.]

When Daniel realises the dragon spits acid and fire, it’s up to him to teach it some manners—or get rid of it—before Gibbo’s nether regions are eaten away or fried to a crisp. [Speaking from experience, it doesn't take a dragon to make your nether regions feel like they've been fried to a crisp.]

The otherworld mages aren’t much help. They’re too busy hunting a rogue mage who wants to destroy their otherworld government. And Gibbo, when he finally meets the dragon, treats it like a pet and doesn’t think it’s dangerous at all.

And what does the dragon have to do with the rogue mage? [Ah, finally we get to the crucial point that brings it all together and makes us want to read the book.] Daniel and Gibbo are about to find out. [We, on the other hand, have to guess. Okay, the obvious guess is that the dragon is the rogue mage. That part was easy; the mystery is how two mages who are hunting the rogue mage follow him to our world and to the exact spot where the dragon is, and don't realize that the dragon is the rogue mage, even though in our world there's no such thing as dragons.] [The other mystery is, Why is the rogue mage/dragon obsessed with Gibbo's butt?]



More Beer is 60,000 words. It is based mostly on Earth, with some forays into the otherworld.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


[Note for EE: The title More Beer comes from the name Daniel and Gibbo give the dragon, who turns out to like a tipple and gets drunk on a single can.]


Notes

This is mainly a list of characters. All we know is that there are characters named Gibbo and Daniel, and a dragon and some mages. We don't know anything that happens.

Where is this otherworld place? Why is Daniel making forays there? What does he want, and what's preventing him from getting it? What's his plan? We need the plot.

Are Daniel and Gibbo children? Is this book for children? If so, are parents gonna buy their children a book titled More Beer?


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...What EE said. You left too much out. Doesn't sound like a novel. Maybe a short story. Needs more plot and clarity as to who your audience would be. Current mix of adult and childish doesn't seem to work.


Dave Fragments said...Is Daniel a mage? If so, why is he in our world where magic doesn't seem to exist? Why are Daniel and Gibbo friends? What does Gibbo get out of the friendship other than being told his butt is fragrant and thus attractive to a dragon? Does Daniel end up ruling the otherworld with magic that he didn't know he had in him? What is the fate of these two, can I say, bosom buddies?


Khazar-khum said...Who, or what, is Gibbo?

Joe G said...Am I the only one who kept wondering who the eff Gibbo was? I kept picturing the stupid furry thing from the Prydain books. Fargle? Gurgle? Gurgi, was it?

I think if I were an agent and I received a query for a book called "More Beer" that had the contents of that first choice in it, I'd probably request pages.

I don't have much to add to what other people have said, but I am going to make fun of something I see a lot. Author wrote:

"When Daniel realises the dragon spits acid and fire, it’s up to him to teach it some manners—or get rid of it—before Gibbo’s nether regions are eaten away or fried to a crisp."

Query writers often seem to have their characters realizing evidence they directly witness. I would just like to point out that Daniel was probably not sitting in his rocking chair on his porch contemplating the blueness of the sky and the butt sniffing tendencies of his dragon until it occurred to him (i.e. he realized) that naturally, after consideration of all the facts, the dragon must spit acid and fire!

No, he probably SAW this happen in a highly exciting scene where cute baby dragon sneezes and sets a tree (or perhaps an unsuspecting ewe) on fire. Maybe he even noticed it surreptitiously one day while spying on Gibbo's sexual perversions. But realized? Let's rewrite.

"When Daniel witnesses the dragon spitting acid and fire, it’s up to him to realize a plan to teach it some manners-—or just get rid of it-—before Gibbo’s nether regions are fried to a crisp."

I got rid of "eaten away" since it wasn't part of the conflict introduced earlier in the sentence. You're giving us a confusing depiction of the dragon's personality.


alaskaravenclaw said...Yeah, I couldn't get past the butt-sniffing dragon either. The thing about butt-sniffing is, there's a certain segment of the population almost guaranteed to find it amusing. Alas, that demographic shares neither age nor gender with the people most likely to read your query letter.


no-bull-steve said...I think it's an interesting concept but completely agree that there's not nearly enough plot information here. It sounds like something I'd write for a story idea I have.

Whatever you do, don't query with the cliffhanger at the end. From what I've heard, agents HATE that.


Marissa Doyle said...I was wondering about the target audience too...this is sounding like it wants to be boy MG, but I suspect the title will be problematic if that's the case.


 arhooley said...We have to get pretty far into this query before we get anything like stakes -- only to find out they consist of Gibbo's butt (fried or eaten away). Too bad I don't know who or what Gibbo is and this butt-sniffing utterly puts me off. I'd much prefer to hear about the mages.


batgirl said...The butt-sniffing dragon and the wordcount suggest middle-grade. You might want to clarify that as well as the plot. I do think a boy (assuming Gibbo and Daniel are boys) finding out that he's a wizard and having to cope with a butt-sniffing dragon could make for a great boy-appeal story in the Captain Underpants vein. But you need to assure us that something happens in the story. Maybe make the dragon the major problem and add the mages as a complication?


Anonymous said...Thanks for your excellent comments people. One thing that has become clear to me is how close I am to the story. So much of what I thought was obvious isn't, and there are some truly obvious omissions there. Like the fact that I omitted 'young adult' from the query.

Back to the drawing board, taking this feedback into consideration on the way.

Thanks
The author.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Sins of the Past

1. If having Vlad Tepes as a distant ancestor is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

2. An overzealous pastor stumbles across a time machine and sets out to convert every accursed heathen through history.

3. When a retired teacher of special needs students is murdered, police immediately suspect her former students were seeking revenge for all the past times she made them confess to being naughty, even when they weren't.

4. Jeb congratulates himself on getting away with murder – literally. But when the corpses of his victims rise up and threaten humanity’s future, Jeb must find a way to atone for his . . . Sins of the Past.

5. In 2045 the Earth’s climate is wildly unpredictable because of decades of CO2 emissions. Ussiah, a Mennonite priest, can forecast the weather with meticulous accuracy. When a massive hurricane heads toward the US coast, the government asks Ussiah to predict its path, but he refuses to cooperate unless the country repents.

6. During a psychic reading, fashionista Tiffany learns the reason she can’t get a date; she was a heartless supermodel in her past life. To satisfy karma, Tiffany must transform Melvin, the nerdiest boy in high school, into a hunk. But can she do it before prom?

7. Devout youth turn to Father Kevin for confession. He understands their world and knows exactly what penance to prescribe for cyber-bullying or pirate downloads. But he's stymied when a mysterious stranger confesses to ox-coveting, regicide, obscene semaphores, and other . . . sins of the past.

8. Millie's mother was hung as a witch. Her aunt has been sheltering her ever since, trying to keep her from the prying eyes of the local law. But Millie can't stop playing with bones, cats and candles. Is she just a curious girl, or is she really her mother's daughter?

9. When the director of the Natural History Museum turns up half submerged in the La Brea Tar Pits, homicide Detective Zack Martinez knows two things: anthropology is a dirty business, and he'd better pick up a stuffed woolly mammoth from the gift shop for the kids.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Teachers are being killed; brutally, systematically. Each murder more horrifying than the last. [Comes with the territory. A teacher who doesn't get brutally murdered is like a baker who doesn't get hideously obese.]

Detective Harry MacCormick hated working Saturday nights. [I see we've switched from present tense to past already. And possibly to a different book.] All the garbage happened on Saturday nights, from teenagers wrapping their cars around trees, to alcohol fueled couple disputes; at least a dead body wouldn't hurl drunken slurs at him. [That last phrase would make sense if it came after Harry was called to a murder scene.] When he is called to investigate a retired teacher's murder, he hopes to clear the matter up quickly and get back to his loved ones, chips and beer. [Change that last comma to a colon so it's clear that he has no actual loved ones, or at least none he wants to get back to.] [Also, a detective doesn't get to go home to his chips and beer the moment he clears up a case. He's on the clock till his shift ends.] [Also, what was the point of telling us Harry hates working Saturday nights? I don't see that this murder was more likely to be committed because it was Saturday.] But Harry soon discovers that this is only the beginning. [To me, this implies that he's unable to get back to his chips and beer because of additional murders. I doubt the additional murders occur that soon, and if they do, other detectives would get those cases.] [I recommend dumping the first paragraph and the first two sentences of the second. Open with the phone call, and it might go like this:

Called to investigate a retired teacher's murder, Detective Harry MacCormick hopes to clear the matter up quickly and get back to his loved ones: chips and beer. But Harry soon discovers that this is only the beginning, as over the next eight hours three more retired teachers are brutally slain, one with safety scissors thrust into her eye, one with colored pencils shoved up her nostrils, another battered to death with a Garfield lunchbox. The media dubs it all the work of the Kindergarten Killer, the Moppet Murderer, the Grade School Guerrilla.]

Who has motive for such crimes? Is it one of the former students of the first murdered teacher, who Harry soon discovers were being forced to confess by the teachers and principal to incidents that they didn't do? [People don't "do" incidents.] [I want an example of what these children were forced to confess to, and how they were forced. Timmy, either you confess that you spilled my coffee, or I call in Borgo the Disemboweler.] Or perhaps the janitor, with his checkered past of involvement in sexual abuse scandals? [I told you we should have hired kindly old Mr. Goodfellow as school janitor instead of the guy with a checkered past of involvement in sexual abuse scandals.] [How many sexual abuse scandals do you get before your past graduates from "checkered" to Sorry?]

Along with detectives John Defazio, his best friend on the force for ten years, who is about to be a father for the second time with his fiancee, and Jennifer Reed, a detective for only five years, but headstrong and determined to make a name for herself, Harry races against time to stop this madman before he kills again. [The brief tidbits of information about John and Jen are interfering with whatever tension has been built up. I'd rather hear about Harry's plan to get the killer than about these other characters.]

SINS OF THE PAST is a griping tale [The tale is gripping; griping is what Evil Editor has been doing.] of murder, revenge, and suspense that will keep you guessing about the identity of the killer to the end. [Not me; I've already deduced that the murderer is actor Paul Sorvino.] It is complete at 55,000 words. The full manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Note to EE: The title comes from the first suspects the police have for the murders, the former students of the first murdered teacher, who was a special ed teacher.

 [Who do you like for the murder, detective?

Former students is my guess.

But the former students are autistic.

Yeah but their teacher once got them to confess to writing on the walls, so I figure we can get them to confess to this and be done with it.]

She, along with the principal of the school, conspired to blame incidents on the students that they didn't do. And also of one of the other suspects in the murders, the janitor at the school, who was involved in sexual abuse scandals earlier in his life and may have abused some of the students.




Notes

I don't see why the police would suspect one of the students of the first murdered teacher, unless that person was also a student of the other murdered teachers. The motive for killing your teacher is not the same as the motive for killing random teachers.

Focus on the case. We don't need to know what happens on Saturday nights or that John's girlfriend is pregnant.


Selected Comments

BuffySquirrel said...How many sex abuse scandals before you become persona non grata at the school gate?

Well, Ian Huntley racked up quite a few before murdering two twelve-year-old girlswho attended the school he and his girlfriend worked for. Seems the police didn't pursue the cases with particular vigour or even bother to pass on information to other forces, hence the incidents never appeared on Huntley's record. His past never even got so far through the system as to be labelled 'chequered'.

Which does go to show it can happen, even in a country as paranoid about child abuse as this one.

Time and again I've seen agents say, 'don't tell me in the query that your story is x; show me that your story is x' where x, in this case, would be gripping. This query is a bit wordy in my opinion, and that isn't really the soul of gripping. It needs to be a lot tighter and faster-moving.

arhooley said...at least a dead body wouldn't hurl drunken slurs at him.
As if investigating a murder won't bring him into contact with someone who might cuss him out? As if there's no "garbage" to sort through in a murder case?

I sense that you're trying to convey hard-boiled and cynical, but either you've miscategorized things or you've given me a cop who is annoyed with his job of protecting and serving, who actually dreads the streets -- someone who would rather be a pathologist at the city morgue. I'd change that wording.


Dave Fragments said...In the State of Pennsylvania, all employees of schools, day care facilities, volunteers at schools, and anyone who wants to be left alone with a student, has to get two pieces of paper from the State. One says they aren't a child molester and the other says they've never been arrested or convicted.
A Janitor with a history? The Principal would lose his/her job in seconds, without doubt. So make sure that part of the story is credible.


Joe G said...I feel like generally, in a mystery, you don't really guess about the identity of the murderer if you don't have any suspects. The suspects you give are former students and the janitor.

This is too generic and your main character doesn't have a personal dilemma. It sounds like an episode of Law and Order (complete with sidekick detective and spunky girl detective). I'm sorry but you haven't made the story sound especially compelling to me.


no-bull-steve said...Agree about "gripping". If you've gone through the query and I'm (or an agent is) gripped, then you don't need to say it. If s/he/we are not, then saying it makes your "telling" even worse.
I think you're on the right track with the opening. Stick with present tense. Focus on the case.


vkw said...I had exactly the same problem as Dave about the janitor. In order to work for any school these days a criminal background check with fingerprints is necessary.

But then I backed up a bit and considered the janitor could have been investigated but as long as he was never charged. It could work.

I'm also wondering why three detectives are on the one case? Then I had the problem with who in their right mind would accuse a student with special needs with murdering a teacher? What kind of motive is, "because they forced the students to confess to things they didn't do."

It's a weak motive and the suspected students are unrealistic suspects.

Anyway, start with the case and leave the details out about the detective and his co-workers.


BuffySquirrel said...This news story gives details of all the offences Ian Huntley was allegedly involved in before he took on a janitorial role at a school, two of whose pupils he later murdered.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/3313501...

The idea that such a man could never become a janitor is, sadly, mere wishful thinking.


alaskaravenclaw said...Wishful thinking, perhaps. But realistic thinking, if the story is set in the U.S. The Ian Huntley case was British.

Here in the U.S., anyone who wants to work in the public schools has to have a background check. If the police officer in the story, Harry, has access to the data that the janitor has a record, then, ipso facto, the janitor would never have passed the background check.

But that's not really the point. The point is that the query raised the question. Take it in combination with all the other questions raised. The net effect is a lack of confidence in the story. No willing suspension of disbelief.

This author needs to practice, practice, practice.

Face-Lift 1153

Guess the Plot

The Lair of the Twelve Princesses

1. I know it's blindingly obvious that the title's a reference to a calendar, but Prince Ydloown doesn't know that, so let's see how far along I can string him, OK?

2. The Vatican has rejected Jack's petition to join the priesthood. The Pope cites Jack's proclivity to do any Royal within arms reach as the reason. Now a King wants Jack's head and eleven others want him dead. The beanstalk is starting to look more tasty everyday.

3. Sean thought the book's title was interesting enough, and after he opened it twelve lovely ladies were at his service. Every night after midnight they pulled him in, but they forgot to tell him about their jealous master with red eyes.

4. King Croody has discovered a new and entertaining means of selecting his successor. His twelve daughters enter the lair... And only one will emerge.

5. Bay will be executed if she can't solve the mystery of how many princesses can dance on the head of a pin (twelve). Should she use one of the three wishes she's been granted by her imp in a bottle to get her out of this? Or should she save the wishes for a real emergency?

6. Each hour, from noon to eleven PM, a different princess emerges from the lair of the twelve princesses, and says nothing. After which Prince Rupert has until midnight to choose his bride, the future queen. It's kinda like The Bachelor, but he doesn't have to talk to them.





Original Version

[Author's note: This isn't a query, but jacket copy for a short story I'm re-releasing soon. Similar idea, so I thought the minions might have some solid advice. (And if the queue's empty, it's better than nothing.)]


Recently discharged from the losing side of a war that claimed her homeland, [When I think of the losing side in a war, I think of a country rather than an army, so "discharged from" doesn't sound right.] Bay has nothing to show for her service but the clothes on her back, a bad leg, and a sardonic imp in a bottle who's more harm than help. When she comes across an open call for investigators into a royal mystery, she thinks its rewards might be enough to reverse her fortunes. But everyone involved in this strange curse seems determined that the secret stays hidden--including its "victims". [You speak of "this strange curse" as if we know all about it. You haven't mentioned a curse. Is the strange curse the same as the royal mystery? Same with "the secret." What secret?]

Luckily, Bay has a trick up her sleeve. Her imp owes her three wishes, and is desperate to grant them. She's been hoarding his magic for an emergency, [She was just on the losing side in a war that claimed her homeland, but that wasn't enough of an emergency to warrant using even one of her three wishes?] but it might be time to cash in: if she cannot solve the mystery of the dancing princesses in three nights, she'll be executed the following dawn. [When they put out this open call for investigators, was the execution clause buried in the fine print, or is that a new development?]

This 9000-word novelette first appeared in InterGalactic Medicine Show in January 2012. This ebook edition includes two bonus stories [Set in the same world?] and an essay. [An essay? I was on the fence, but now I must have this.]


Notes

You could open: With nothing to show for her three years of military service but  the clothes on her back, a bad leg, and a sardonic imp in a bottle who owes her three wishes, Bay is seeking a way to reverse her fortunes.

That increases the space with which you can tell us about the mystery/curse/secret. You don't have to give everything away, but just tossing out the words mystery, curse and secret isn't intriguing enough.

Of course this also puts into the first paragraph the problem that was previously in the second, namely, there's no explanation of why Bay doesn't reverse her fortunes through imaginative use of her three wishes rather than by trying to solve the mystery of the dancing princesses, with death as the price of failure. Presumably there are major limitations on her wishes?

Strip 2.09

Click strip to enlarge.