Evil Editor's Blog, page 122

Evil Editor Classics

Evil Editor Classics

  Q & A with Mrs. Varmighan



    

When you first saw EE naked, did you faint or throw up?
 
I have to admit I threw up. But I should explain. I had dropped by his house to pick up some manuscripts he wanted burned, and when he didn't answer my knock I went in. Suddenly the eggplant Parmesan and chef's salad I'd had for dinner decided they didn't want to stay down, so I ran for the bathroom. Turned out EE was sitting on the commode reading query letters in the nude. You should have seen the look on his face when I burst through the door and blew chunks all over him. Priceless.
 Whenever I'm lost in sadness or just plain doubt of all my life, I wonder what the meaning of didactic existentialism is, as presented in Camus novels and contrasted with Nietzsche's thoughts of man and superman. I find it helps me gain a new outlook on life. What do you and EE do when the world looks to be against you?

EE orders a dozen hot doughnuts from the bakery in our building. He lets me have first choice! (As long as it's the dark chocolate glazed one with raspberry filling.) And he eats the other eleven.


Was your hair styled by the same guys responsible for the zero grav training facilities at NASA? It's like the leaning tower of Pisa — or some crazy, crazy stuntman-cum-acrobat!



Glad you like it. I used to wear it longer, as you can see in this photo taken at my wedding. The late Mr. V. isn't in the photo, as he died in the limo taking us from the church to the reception. I tried to tell him limo sex would be too much for a guy with a bad ticker. Poor guy never got to find out, as he checked into the Dirt Nap Hotel soon as I gave him a glimpse of my cleavage. Lucky for me Evil Editor offered to fill in, or I'd have been doing my first dance with a broomstick.


Anyway, when Marge Simpson came along, I didn't like my hairdo being compared to hers, which is, let's face it, almost cartoonish. So I lopped off the top three fourths. Which required a chain saw, partly because of all the hairspray, but mostly because I was carrying a 31-inch Louisville Slugger in there for protection. Now that I'm wearing it shorter, all I have in there is a can of mace. Oh, and a pack of Twinkies for emergencies.

 Unfortunately, now everyone compares me to this chick, which is a joke, because my hair is perfectly permed and she looks like she's been electrocuted or something. No way she gets a comb or a brush through that wasp's nest.


  


What time do you start work? Does the Evilness wear boxers or those little red thongy things? What do you prefer for lunch? Salad or tuna on toasted whole wheat and does his Lordship allow you time to eat while he snoozes on his blood red leather couch? Have you ever gotten angry and snapped his suspenders? How many times should I submit my manuscript before I give up? Also, can you comment on the market for obnoxious fairies at the moment? Hopeless? Should I give up and go for occluded payphones?
Here's a tip, hon: lay off the caffeine.


Selected Comments 

BuffySquirrel said...Nice illo, lol.

arhooley said...I thought Mrs. V's standing-on-end hairdo was going to be related to the sight of EE naked on the toilet. I'm pretty sure my roots have turned white.

Angela Robbins said...what, arhooley, you didn't get all warm inside when you saw EE nude on the john?

arhooley said...No -- I was jealous of the john.

Angela Robbins said...just how much aquanet does that do take?

Feedback Request

Below is a revision of Face-Lift 1143. Leave your comments here.


Dear Evil Editor,

In my dreams I see the faces of those I've killed: pale masks of horror, mouths gaping soundlessly as my power washes over them, dissolving everything in its path. Human, Faeron, Inori, Rahl--nearly all of the galaxy's races--in the nano before death they all look the same. It's not guilt, not misplaced morality that troubles my sleep. It's the lack of control over my power triggering these dreams.  When I call it, it takes over, leaving me a bystander, a puppet in my own skin.

The Watch, the Syndicate, the Faeron: they all want me, to bend me to their control, to use me as a weapon for their own ends. I like attention as much as the next girl, but this is ridiculous. Winning their war or making them a profit, it's all the same to me: I don't give a fuck. What I want is freedom. Freedom for myself, freedom for my sister Sil.

Freedom: a wild madness, a desperate dream, a ruined hope. They'll never let me live outside of their control. I'm too dangerous, my power too unknown to chance me falling into the wrong hands.    I'm not a kinetic like the Watchers, like Sil, not inert like the Inori. I'm something else entirely and they fear what they don't understand, destroy what they can't control. They'll die trying.

Unless they send Llyron Flynn.

There's something between us--a hopeless fascination, an undeniable tug. It's a tug I don't understand, can't control. Dangerous. Very dangerous. He's a Watcher, charged with hunting down illegal kinetics--like my sister--and the power to put them away for a long time. He won't hesitate to use her against me, to force me to fight for his side. It's a side I care nothing about, a trap. The cost of her safety is my freedom, my obedience and perhaps my life. Unless I can figure out the full extent of my powers--and how to control them--I could lose everything.

What choice do I have?  The Syndicate thinks I'm dead. Best stay that way.

Sci-fi romance for young adults, NUKED is complete at 85,000 words and available at your request. NUKED is the first in a planned series--I've just begun work on another book set in the same world. As detailed in your submission requirements, below are te first ten pages.

Thank you for your time.

Face-Lift 1158

Guess the Plot

Altered

1. Poodle Millie, Labrador Duke and Pug Willie stage a daring escape from the vet when they learn that they aren't there to be tutored.

2. Average guy Daniel Travers is abducted and taken to a secret military facility in New Mexico where his life becomes a nightmare of pain and fear as a mad doctor performs unethical experiments on him and the Taliban.

3. A mysterious talisman gives Renee the ability to go back in time by one minute and alter very recent history. She now always has the wittiest come-back, and the casino is her oyster... but who'd have thought creating so many alternative histories would upset the fabric of time-space so badly that the universe is now unstable?

4. Broadway seamstress Pippa was sure she'd hidden every unseemly detail. But when a wardrobe malfunction in Charlie Buckles' costume reveals his gill plates, the audience--and the world--learn the shocking truth.

5. After a magical accident gives the dogs of Menifee County, Kentucky advanced cognitive skills, opposable thumbs, and a thirst for revenge, veterinarian Frank Wallace must run for his life. Or, not his life, exactly, but...

6. Detective John Bostic knew his faith was being tested when the Captain assigned him to his third religious murder in as many weeks. In every case the corpse was butchered, reassembled to look like a cubist Picasso painting and left on an altar. The pastor of the Tenth Church of Christ has blood on his hands and Bostic must prove his guilt before someone else is . . . altered.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor

A military facility hidden away in New Mexico is doing some highly unethical research on POW's from the Iraq and Afghanistan wars.

[Sergeant: We've captured so many Taliban we're running out of places to put them, sir. Should we kill them and bury them in a mass grave?

Captain: No, we're also running out of places to put mass graves. Besides, I've just received word that a facility in New Mexico doing highly unethical research needs subjects for their experiments. How many troop transport planes can we commandeer?]

Things go from bad to much worse when the doctor heading up the research arranges to have a US citizen abducted. [Bad: Highly unethical research on Iraqi and Afghan subjects. Much worse: Abducting one US citizen.]

Daniel Travers is just your average guy trying to provide for his family until he unknowingly lands on the radar of the wrong people. Somewhere deep in his genetic code Daniel is blessed with the ability to heal faster and more completely than humanly possible [Either it is humanly possible, or Daniel isn't human.] and that's exactly what Dr. Steven Reynolds needed to be able to take the next step in his research. [If what you need to take the next step in your research is someone who heals faster than humanly possible, and such a person suddenly turns up, I suggest you immediately buy a lottery ticket.]

Willing to sacrifice anyone for the success of his project, Dr. Reynolds arranges for the abduction of Daniel. [He arranged this in the 2nd sentence. Two paragraphs later he's still arranging it?] From that point Daniel's life becomes a nightmare of pain and fear.

Daniel desperately tries to escape and get back to his family but the cost is more than he can bear. [What is the cost?] Because of that, when he is later offered help, he almost turns it down in fear of what would happen if things go wrong again. [This is our hero? Afraid to try to escape because things might go wrong?]

Altered is a suspense thriller, with a science fiction twist, complete at 70,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration


Notes

Apparently you don't care to reveal the nature of Dr. Reynolds' project, but without that information it's impossible for us to get even mildly interested in the story.

It's all setup and it's mostly vague. We can condense the entire query into: Daniel Travers, blessed with superhuman healing genes, is abducted by a doctor who needs Daniel in order to complete a secret project. If you expand on that by telling us what the doctor is up to, what happens if he succeeds, and what Daniel plans to do about it, you might interest us. Right now, the main character is doing nothing and you don't tell us what the villain is doing.

If Reynolds is willing to sacrifice anyone, wouldn't it be easier to abduct a few illegal aliens from Santa Fe than to have the military transport POWs from Iraq and Afghanistan to New Mexico?

How does Reynolds know Travers heals really fast?

Face-Lift 1157

Guess the Plot

The Eternity Wars

1. Jerry always knew marriage could be tough, but this?

2. Blah blah blah blah gods blah blah blah blah prophecy blah blah blah blah blah blah chosen one blah blah blah blah blah save the world blah blah blah blah blah too late?

3. With agnosticism on the rise, God and the Devil come up with a new scheme to win believers: The Eternity Wars, a reality TV show starring the Big Man, the Big Bad, and your immortal soul.

4. Father Time is tired of Mother Nature ignoring his husbandly needs. Feeling neglected, he files for divorce. Mother Nature's reaction? Global warming. Can these wounded souls reconcile before humanity gets fried?

5. The Nibauh Galaxy establishes intergalactic communication with three other galaxies but intergalactic transportation is impossible. Nibauhsians hate the other galaxies' environmental policies and declare war on them. Because Nibauh can’t attack them, they instead destroy the intergalactic communications systems. Now they can’t negotiate peace so the war lasts forever.

6. Thanks to The Cure To Aging™, soldiers in the Eternity Army never grow old. This would eliminate the need to recruit new soldiers, if not for the annoying fact that soldiers in other armies keep killing them.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Adriel XIV has just agreed to spend her life as a soldier in exchange for fifty years of youth and a purpose. Several hundred years ago The Cure To Aging was invented—and the world quickly destroyed itself trying to get it. [From whom? The inventor? Why wasn't it being made available? What's the point of inventing a cure for aging if you're willing to let the world be destroyed in order to keep anyone from getting it?] Now, only the Council of Thirteen possesses the cure, and the Eternity Army that they temporarily gift it to. [Terrible sentence. This makes it sound like the council possesses the Cure and the Army. I assume you mean only the Council and their army possess the Cure.] [Also, shouldn't that be the Council of XIII?] [If someone in the Council of XIII gets murdered, Does Adriel XIV become Adriel XIII? If so, does she then get access to The Cure To Aging?]

Raised in the worst slum in the remnants of America, Adriel has striven for her place in the army for years. [I see Adriel has abandoned her Roman numeral. Or was that her last name? If it's her last name, you should change it to ZIV so it doesn't get confused with the Roman numeral for 14.] Despite the brutal training techniques, she would be perfectly content in the system if it weren’t for Dailen, an attractive and mysterious fellow recruit who reveals to Adriel the Council’s role in a trauma of her past. [What trauma?] [And more importantly, why doesn't Dailen have a Roman numeral?]

Further complicating [burdening] her conscience are the dubious missions that Adriel and her fellow soldiers are sent on. [What's dubious about them?] As she battles the nation’s “Traitors” she begins to discover just how corrupt the Council’s methods have become. [For example?]

As their romance moves forward Dailen admits that he is in fact a Traitor—and a very old one at that. Dailen managed to get ahold of The Cure To Ageing [If you're going to capitalize all the words as if this is the brand name of a drug, you should spell Aging/Ageing the same way each time.] [Also, shouldn't it be The Cure For Aging? Or Of Aging? It would probably have a better name, like EverYoung or Age Away, and there'd be TV ads that say: Do you want to spend your golden years in a retirement home, surrounded by geezers and crones? No? Then try YOOTH, and never grow old. You might even outlive the Eternity Wars! Not recommended for those with terminal diseases. Consult your physician if an erection lasts more than forty years.] in the original wars several hundred years ago. He has been biding his time ever since, waiting to insert himself in the army and overthrow a repressive, dangerous government that has reigned far longer than nature intended. [The reason it's reigned far longer than nature intended is because this guy's been biding his time for several hundred years. If the government is repressive and dangerous, what's he been waiting for?]

It is nearly time to take The Cure and Adriel must decide whether she shall use it to protect the Council—or to usurp them. [If she's discovered how corrupt the Council is, why is this a difficult decision? Is there an advantage to protecting the Council?]

THE ETERNITY WARS is a young adult novel completed at 80,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration,


Notes

I don't see how taking the Cure gives her any more power to protect or usurp the Council than she already has. Does the Cure do anything besides keep you young? The Council also have the Cure, so I don't see that it gives Adriel any advantage over them.

Is Adriel XIV years old? If that's the meaning, then Dailen would probably be CCCLXXXVIII, in which case I can see why he just goes by Dailen.

Too much vagueness. The trauma and the missions and the corruption would help us understand the characters' motivation if we had any idea what they were.

The big climax appears to be Adriel deciding what to do. Does she try to oust the Council? Does that go smoothly or are there major obstacles?

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Black, Brown and Red

1. After losing her beloved poodle in a bus crash, museum curator Nancy Smith goes on vacation and discovers the artist of the century -- 14 year old hillbilly genius Buddy Boone. His parents are too poor to buy paint, so he uses materials he finds in the fields and forest.

2. In a world where mages are ranked by the color of the crystals they wear, Joran seeks revenge against a black-crystal mage for the death of his family. But first he must work his way up the ladder through red and brown, or he'll never have a chance.

3. Top-tier fashion designer Lola Heaven gets walloped by a window-washer's dropped squeegee, and now she's color-blind. Will her spring line get panned, or will black, brown, and red become the new pastels? Also, a finicky schnauzer.

4. After many misadventures on their dirt-bikes Pat and Ryan decide to start a blog to catalog their accidents and injuries. To their surprise, their site -- called Black, Brown, and Red for their wound colors -- develops a following. To impress their fans, they try bigger and bigger stunts. But to Ryan at least, Pat's latest ideas sound a bit crazy.

5. Ku Klux Klansman Willy Shea and the missus can't have kids, but there are no white babies available for adoption. Reluctantly, they start a diverse little family, which leads to heart-warming lessons in life and love.

6. Geronimo Williams suffers from synesthesia; he can literally see scents as a pattern of colors overlaid on his otherwise normal vision. He uses this talent to find missing persons. Now, he's taken his toughest case yet, to find a billionaire's rebellious daughter who smells like . . . black, brown, and red.



Original Version

Greetings Almighty Evil One,

Joran's family is murdered and the mage responsible leads an alliance of great nations in war against his homeland. [Joran is the first name of that Dutch criminal who's been in the news lately. Joran van der Sloot. Change it to Jor-el as an homage to Superman. Jor-el Mxyzptlk.]

At seventeen, Joran was happy living the simple life. Soon to be given his father's cattle farm, he longs for the day when he can call this land his own. [In other words, he longs for his father's death.] Nechalyn, a mage whose black crystal shows him to be of the highest rank, destroys this life in a single night when he leads a party of raiders who murder every villager they find. Joran escapes death by hiding in a secret hole in the basement, but finds only one other man alive: A brown ranked mage named Nectat [Sounds too much like a beverage made from nectarine juice; change it to Necktie.] who has been following the raiders. Joran's wish to avenge his parents' deaths causes him to go with Nectat to be trained in the art of magic.

They return together to the mages' city of Lhenn to find action being stalled by political deadlock. Unbeknownst to all others the head of the council, Chayton, is under the direct control of Nechalyn, who seeks to destroy Lhenn. Once Nechalyn's forces are ready, Chayton empties Lhenn of its most powerful mages under the subterfuge of mobilizing for war. He sends Joran into a trap accompanied by Nectat and his son Farafel. [Farafel sounds too much like Farfel, the puppet dog who used to advertise Nestle's Quik.


 
Change his name to Falafel. And change your other characters' names to Tahini, Tabouleh, and Hummus. These sound much more like people's names than the ones you've chosen.] Nectat is killed and Farafel is captured, but Joran escapes to Lhenn with the knowledge that Chayton is the betrayer. [Jor-el wants his revenge. He's a kid. He doesn't care about all this political crap, so neither do we. Focus on what he wants, how he can get it, and what's stopping him.]

He is too late. In their absence Nechalyn has razed Lhenn and killed all he could find. Enraged, Joran risks eternal undeath by destroying his body in a ritual that marks the transition of a mage to the black. [A ritual is all it takes to attain black crystalness? Don't you have to work your way through the color spectrum for years while your instructor cleans out your bank account?] He is successful, forming a new body through strength of will. With his power greatly increased, he returns to fight for Farafel's release and Nechalyn's defeat. Will his newly found abilities prove potent enough to inflict vengeance upon the aged sorcerer?

Black, Brown and Red is a 90,000 word YA Fantasy novel. It is my first novel, with my publishing history consisting of mostly non-fiction articles in IT magazines. I'd be happy to send a manuscript at your request.


P.S. All the character names have been changed for posting on your blog. [What?! The minions like nothing better than telling authors what bad names they've chosen for their characters, and they were ready to tear into yours like weredingos into falafel. Plus, I spent hours thinking up better names for your characters.]


Notes

Too many names to keep track of. Sentences like "Nectat is killed and Farafel is captured, but Joran escapes to Lhenn with the knowledge that Chayton is the betrayer." don't bother you because you know who all these people are. I, on the other hand, am forced to either go back and look up who everyone is, or just toss the query into the Decomposer, which is what I call my new composting machine. And I think you know which choice I'll make. Falafel can go. Dump Chayton or just refer to him as the Council if he's that important. Necktie doesn't do much except die; you can probably work around his absence.

We don't need so much plot detail. Supermage kills Jor-el's family. He seeks revenge by training to become Superdupermage. Usually the big question is whether his new abilities will go to his head and he'll become power-hungry, rather than whether he'll get strong enough to defeat Supermage. Of course he will.

It seems to me that a mage who's attained the highest rank would have better things to do than lead a raid on a cattle farm. If you want an alliance of great nations to follow you, you need better stuff on your resume than killing a bunch of villagers. Also, I can see a green- or purple-crystal mage being unable to sense that there's a guy hiding in a hole in the basement, but a black-crystal mage? Humiliating.


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...Author here. Thank for all your comments! I'll try to get rid of some of the characters in the query for my next version.
To answer a few questions you put up:
1) Yes, a ritual is all it takes to attain rank black. Once you are rank brown, that is, with sufficient power to complete the ritual. Failure results in a destroyed body from which there is no return.

2) Yes, that's exactly right. It is unlikely that an all powerful mage would miss someone hiding in a basement. That's why the main character is the only survivor. It was his latent power and wish to hide that put a field of cloaking around him. But of course, that's too much info for the query.

3) He attacks the cattle farm and surrounding villages because they are close to the council and he wants to provoke them (his plans are ready to destroy them now).

I wonder if it would be worth my time to try to address these in the query or if I should just leave them for the book?

Thanks again for all your suggestions Evil Editor.


Evil Editor said...You don't need to address point 1, though it wouldn't hurt to say Joren has had time to attain brown or has so much latent power his training has advanced quickly. Or just introduce him as someone with great latent power, and we'll guess he's able to harness magic faster than most.

You don't have to address point 2, but you also don't have to tell us he survived by hiding in the basement. If you just say the rest of his family was murdered and he wants revenge, we'll assume he was out on a date or something when the attack occurred.

As for point 3, I don't see why a mage has to go along for the ride to kill some villagers. Wouldn't he just send his marauders? Whether he goes or not, you can claim the family was killed by raiders and introduce the mage later as the head villain.

Or you can address nothing and assume, probably correctly, that no one else will be bothered by these plot points which all must have logical explanations in the book.


Whirlochre said...In spite of EE's excellent name substitutions, I stumbled on their placement in the query. It's a bombardment, and as someone who struggled with Tolkien for this very reason, I have to say, you've lost me.

I should point out that while I was struggling with Tolkien, he bit me on the ear.

Even the greats play dirty, it seems.

I'm intrigued by the title for this novel. Are these colours representative of the various factions described? Colours are mentioned in the query but I don't get the link.

My Battling Mage Sense tells me this is all about battling mages — and what could be more exciting than that?

So get to the business of the mages who are battling, and lose incidentals like the hiding in the secret hole in the basement, the cattle farm ('farm' will do), and everything that happens to Joran after he becomes enraged.

OK, so he risks "eternal undeath by destroying his body in a ritual that marks the transition of a mage to the black" — and I know YOU know what this means, but I don't.


arhooley said...FIRST OFF -- Something authors should understand is that when EE and his minions pose questions about the plot, it's not because we're intrigued; it's because we're confused. Don't answer the questions. Instead, rewrite the query so that you don't have gaping logic holes.

Onward. Back in my dark days, I worked in IT. I'm sorry to say, I've read Business Requirement Docs that were more engaging than this.

You're producing a work of art, not a report. This blow-by-blow synopsis is little more than an accounting of names and events. The transformation needed here is so basic that I can't point to one phrase or another that needs a fix, but one way you might reconceive this query is to keep in mind that you're pitching a story, not recounting it.

Get me behind this manure-smeared farmboy whose dreams reach no further than the fields his family has worked for generations. Make me shudder at this In Cold Blood-style massacre. Make me believe this is different from Star Wars, even though Joran Skywalker's placid world is turned up-side down by Peter Cushing, propelling him into Jedi training and then an agonizing transformation into Darth Vader.

And could you change your title, or the colors, or get it down to two colors, like The Red and the Black (but don't use that one; it's taken)? Maybe it's just me because I'm taking care of an invalid these days, but when I see "black, brown and red" I think of stool colors.


BuffySquirrel said...I don't get why any of this is happening. What's in it for the antagonists?


Anonymous said...Author again.
The title, as I put in the original e-mail but which wasn't posted in the blog, has been changed. It is nothing like the original title. This one was chosen to give more options for guess the plots than the other title would have.

arhooley:
I have to disagree. I've been reading these blogs for quite some time, and most of the time when EE posts a question it's something I'm also intrigued about. Ergo, the questions needed answering for people like me reading. If you don't care, that's completely fine. But some people do.

In either case, you'll note that I posted them not simply for information's sake, but to ask if I should include said info in my next version of the query. I'd have to say, that seems to be exactly what this blog is for.

Beyond that, I'm sorry you don't find my query appealing. I'll take that into consideration, along with the other opinions posted.


Evil Editor said...The title, as I put in the original e-mail but which wasn't posted in the blog, has been changed. It is nothing like the original title. This one was chosen to give more options for guess the plots than the other title would have.

To clarify, the author mentioned to me that there was a different title, but didn't tell me what it was, and it was the author's opinion that b b and r would be better for GTP, not mine. In short, I am, as always, blameless.


Author said...As Evil Editor noted, I did not give him the original title. I have done this purposefully.

However good or bad the current title may be for guess the plot, I assure you that it is better than the other title would have been. But, if you choose not to believe me, I will accept that also.


Author said...Oh, I didn't mean to ignore you BuffySquirrel. I must have missed your post.

I didn't include the antagonist's reason for making war because I thought it was obvious (I'm not trying to be obnoxious here; I speak literally to explain myself). His reason for making war is the same as almost every war in history: Power. From power over a foreign resource to power over one's own people, war has historically transferred the control of power between individuals. This is even true today, though I won't mention the obvious example as it would be bound to provoke someone.

However, if other people were also confused about why the antagonist is going to war please let me know and I'll adjust the query to include this information. Thanks for your input.


Stephen Prosapio said...Author, What I think others have tried to say is that your story well may be wonderful, but the query is not interesting in the least. This isn't an attack--when several of us are of the same opinion, you can pretty much take it to the bank that you're in need of a change.

This query doesn't engage us, and yes, it reads much like a 3rd grade book report. We don't have any attachment to your characters. They need life. They need motivation. They need desires.

Best of luck to you!


Chicory said...Anonymous, I am also confused about the reason for going to war. I know power is the obvious reason, but you mentioned several political factions, which makes me think there's something a little deeper going on here. That's a good thing. It suggests the story has some depth and complexity. Just try to let that aspect come across a little.

I notice you say your protagonist WAS a seventeen year old. Does this mean the attack and all are just back story? I assumed it was your opening scenes. I've heard queries are written in present tense, so that's an issue you may want to address.

Best of luck! I love fantasy and am always hopeful for more in my favorite genre to read. :)


Jennifer said...My first question is why the heck would you go out of your way to obfuscate the title and character names? You're just limiting the amount of feedback you can get. Also, makes you look paranoid, or at the very least, putting in things that distract from the whole point: getting to a better query.

(For example, I had a terrible time not reading the names as Falafel and Nectar, even before I read the comments from EE. That makes it hard to even critique it).

Also, once I see black crystals being the most powerful and crystal rankings, I think of Anne Bishop's Dark Jewels books. Where crystal color shows how powerful you are. And black is the toughest.

I point that out because for your query, you may want to lose the color thing altogether (it is one more thing that the reader needs to learn, anyway) or make very clear how different it is from Bishop's stories.

The novel, of course, can speak for itself. The query however might cause the wrong sort of reaction if the reader is aware of the other books.

Hope that helps!


M. G. E. said...Damn, I was so ready to make fun of those names :P "Falafel" was hilarious!

-Let's see, it took J.K. Rowling seven books to show just the primary education of a wizard from absolute newb to magical high-school graduate newb, and he still couldn't beat the ultimate bad guy in a straight-up fight by himself! Not even close.

That's your first challenge.

The second is that him hiding and not being found is a major plot-hole. Even your explanation of it sounds ridiculous, "latent talent" is code for deus ex machina. All talent must still be harnessed via major hard work and experience.

I've always had writing talent, but I've only recently begun sharpening my skills actively. It's still gonna be years before I master writing, if I ever do.

So, providing that entire growth arc in a single book... not saying it can't be done, but it will be a shallow presentation.

--On another note, what people are saying about the name-soup is spot on. I don't think anyone could've created a more stereotypical example of it than what you've produced here. It borders on unintentionally funny.

The whole thing reads like a synopsis as well. I'm left with no desire to actually read pages by the end. Nothing enticing. Think about what emotion you want an agent left with when the read-through is done and how you can create that feeling.

---Crystals: little pet peeve of mine, but the association of crystals with magic is by now a cliche association. Like, big time.


BuffySquirrel said...Umm, no, it wasn't obvious why the antagonists were starting a war, at least not to me. Nor who is at war with whom. Nechalyn is conspiring with other great nations against his own country? or against Joran's country? Are they from the same country? This is the sort of confusion the query should avoid, not create.

Also, I can't help feeling that it's not sufficient to reduce the causes of wars to a simplistic equation then use that as your character motivation :).


writtenwyrdd said...I'm not taking care of an invalid, and I thought of stool colors when I read that title.

I have to second arhooley's observation that we don't want the questions we pose answered. They are intended to point out where you confused the bejeezus out of us.

It may feel difficult to just say part of what the plot is, but you are not writing a synopsis. You need to give the gist of only the main plot with a hint of the other conflicts that affect that main plot (if you mention them at all.)

Start with a sentence that states the main plot alone and work from there.


Anonymous said...Wow, when I read a post like writtenwyrd's after I've just explained that the title is fake, chosen just for this posting, and that just because YOU don't want answers doesn't mean that NO-ONE wants answers (talk about egotistical)... it's shocking. I have to wonder, was I perhaps not clear when I said "The title, ..., has been changed. It is nothing like the original title."

Or maybe it's just a reflection of wyrd's urge to criticize someone else for whatever he can, probably to take his mind off his own work. Hey pal, there are several things to criticize about my query that are actually justified. Stick to them and I'll listen to you. Keep repeating the same crap that's already been addressed, I'll keep lowering my opinion of you.

P.S. Squirrel: I wrote that "Joran is murdered and the mage responsible leads an alliance of great nations in warfare against his homeland." And you are honestly asking me if he was conspiring against his own countrymen? My query is certainly unclear about the motivation for war, but it is not at all unclear about the fact that the antagonist is not from the same country.

I want to thank EvilEditor again for his constructive and useful comments. Whirochre, too, gave me advice on how to fix the query. Arhooley was a tad insulting, but also managed to throw advice in there. To those who posted criticism without useful advice, thanks but if I wanted that I'd ask my family.


Evil Editor said...Writtenwyrdd is a she, not a he. And not even a meany.

Some minions ask questions because they're curious, but as your book is not available for them to read no matter what the answers, I suspect the majority are asking to point out areas that may bug the agent or editor who reads the query. An author may choose to answer those questions to satisfy the curiosity of the former.

Agents and editors aren't likely to email you with questions about your plot. Thus it's a good idea to 1. decide which legitimate questions you need to address in the query, and address them, and 2. to get rid of whatever inspired those legitimate questions you don't want to address in the query.

Sorry, but with regard to whose homeland the mage is attacking, there's nothing unusual about a power-hungry character recruiting other nations to assist him in taking power in his own nation. It's even happened in actual history. Add to that the technical fact that a pronoun usually refers back to the most recently used noun or pronoun of the same gender, which in this case is "mage", and it's not clear that "his" refers to Joran. In fact, it's not clear that Joran and the mage don't have the same homeland. The sentence has two independent clauses which can be boiled down to: 1.Family is murdered
2. Mage leads alliance against his homeland.

I think most readers will assume you mean Joran's homeland, but as Joran isn't even the subject of the first clause you can make it perfectly clear: Joran's family is murdered, and his homeland is brought under siege by an alliance of nations led by the mage Nechalyn.

A thousand people visit this blog each day, and a mere ten or twenty take the time to comment, so use the comments that make sense to you and ignore the others without getting mad at people.


arhooley said...I had that very problem with the pronoun. Couldn't tell who "his" referred to.


vkw said...It's a curious fact that most paranoid people are narcisstic. Why? because you have to believe you are important enough for anyone to want to hurt or have something that someone else may want.

It's also a curious fact taht most narcisstic individuals don't have anything anyone would want or are important to harm.

It is not a curious fact that most narcistic individuals can not take constructive criticism or advice.

It is not a curious fact why I didn't comment on this query.


M. G. E. said...I just want to say that someone so thin skinned is going to have a tougher time making it to professional author and getting a book published.

Being hard to work with, being unable to handle criticism without taking it personally, and devaluing the opinions of others, is nearly as bad as being a bad writer.

You need to be both a good writer -and- a professional when dealing with those whom you need to work with to get a book out (as in agent, editor, etc.).

It raises the bar for you. If you're hard to work with personally you'd better be damn sure you're also a phenomenal writer to make up for it :P


AA said...Things I'm confused about:

The local general (Black Mage) would not be out joyriding with these raiding parties if a war was imminent. He wouldn't have the time. He'd be planning, strategizing, and conferring with whatever constitutes his war council. Unless someone else makes all the plans and he only does the magic, but in that case I don't see how he can "lead" a war.

Also, the head of the council sent all of the best, highest ranking officers OUT of the capital city on the eve of a war? It would be immediately obvious to everyone involved that he has malicious intent. This ploy wouldn't fool the janitor.

Capital cities are not left poorly defended right before the war. If anything, the defense is built up much more strongly. This would be way more than suspicious.

Nothing here explains why Nectat was following the raiders. Seems pretty dumb to shadow a Black mage when you're only a Brown.

Also, a whole alliance of great nations are needed to war against this apparently rural, pastoral homeland? It doesn't seem like a war would be necessary. A simple occupation would suffice. Who are you fighting, cows? Maybe the fact that the homeland has industry, cities, a military, emerald mines, whatever, should be in there somewhere. Otherwise, the vast expenditure of materials and manpower needed to conduct a war would not be justified.

A war is the most expensive, exhausting, and complicated venture that exists. The logistics are mind-boggling, and the leaders must take EVERYTHING into account: supply lines, production of weapons, communication in the field, adequate and equally distributed provisions, fresh water, even the appropriate clothing for the season. The war I'm seeing in this query, however, seems to be conducted more like a snowball fight.

I'm sure this isn't true in the book, but this is what I'm getting from this query.

Hope this helps. Good luck.


Bibi said...I haven't seen any meanness here. Ever. I see people with great talent, insight and experience trying to help other people. People like you and me who are not exceptional at writing and querying. A 15 year old girl got comments on her query (which is why she sent it here) and she took them like a pro. No one knew she was 15 until she wrote in to thank the folks who commented. She's a brilliant girl with professionalism who gets the process.

If comments get under your skin you have the choice not to hang yourself on the bulls eye.
This is the best education a writer can ever get in the shortest time possible by pros. For free. I was grateful for the sensitivity I was treated with on my first query which was a synopsis and not a good one.
Good luck on your query. I look forward to the revision.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Sugar Bowl

1. White granules and shards of porcelain on the kitchen floor. An innocent-looking cream pitcher standing on the table. It was shaping up as Detective Coffee's toughest case.

2. When Gnflzot, the commander-in-chief of the army ants, learns from his scouts that an immense sugar bowl is going to materialize at the turn of the new year, in a far-off land called New Orleans, he springs into action.

3. Corporate CEO Vanda Harjoni from the nation of Jepalasia arrives in New York and hosts an open house at his office. When FBI Agent Harold Newson wanders by, he mistakes the sugar bowl contents for cocaine and arrests Vanda, who must find his way through the twisted maze of American justice.

4. With the Sugar Bowl, Savannah’s only bowling alley brothel, threatened with foreclosure, the girls take matters into their own hands and raise the money – the hard way.

5. After winning their 10th straight national title, the Texas Longhorns could be at the end of their dynasty. But, the world will never find out if Max Ridgecliff can’t save Nokia from bankruptcy in time to sign the endorsement check.

6. With the season winding down, and a Sugar Bowl bid on the line, star quarterback Jake Zarephath is accused of rape. If it was lacrosse, the season would be canceled. But this is big-time football.



Original Version

Dear Evil,

When walk-on tailback Jake Zarephath helps the West Virginia Mountaineers upset seventh-ranked Pitt in October, he thinks life couldn't get any better. The euphoria doesn't last, however, and Jake's fall from grace stems from an incident that occurs that very night. A week later the local police visit Jake to question him about a rape accusation made by an acquaintance, Robin Dunellen. Unable to remember what happened and unsure what to do anyway, Jake initially leaves his case in the hands of the football program without asking any questions. [He gets accused of a felony, and tells the football coach to handle it?]

Unfortunately for Robin, the team is weeks away from an invitation to play in the prestigious Sugar Bowl game. In Autumn nothing is more important to the university and the city of Morgantown than Mountaineer football, and this is shaping up to be the season that is talked about for years to come. Trying to avoid the loss of a key player, [He's a walk-on tailback; how "key" can he be?] assistant athletic director Phil Berg slams Robin using the resources of a well-funded athletic department.

In her first year away from her small hometown Robin becomes the target of an orchestrated campaign of public humiliation and character assassination. Life is difficult for her until Jake begins to have qualms about hiding behind his corrupt protectors as Robin is bullied. Finally, when the bludgeoning continues after the Sugar Bowl bid is in hand, Jake has had enough. [Stop attacking this sweet girl who's accusing me of a rape I didn't commit. I'm sure there's a logical explanation.] He and a local sportswriter, Ham Newton, learn that Robin's friend and self-appointed guardian, Michelle Brigantine, was herself the victim of a violent rape at another university. It doesn't take much for Newton, Jake and even Robin herself to realize that Michelle goaded Robin into making the accusation as a way to retaliate for the crime that was committed against her. [Maybe you should call her Michelle Destroyer instead of Michelle Brigantine.] [In fact, it would be cool to give all your characters ship names: Ham Sub, Robin Dinghy, Jake Junk, and Phil Frigate.]

Jake's anger at this revelation is tempered by the heartbreaking story Michelle finally tells about how she was drugged and assaulted by perpetrators who were never punished. [Let's make sure I've got this straight. Michelle, on a weekend trip to Villanova, gets brutally assaulted. Rather than tell the authorities, she goes to her friend Robin:

Michelle: I was raped while I was in Philadelphia.
Robin: Oh my God! Are you okay? Did they catch who did it?
Michelle: No. I didn't tell anyone.
Robin: You have to go to the police!
Michelle: I know. But now that I'm back here at WVU, I think it would be more convenient to accuse someone here. Saves me the trouble of traveling back and forth to Philadelphia all the time.
Robin: You're going to accuse someone who didn't do it?
Michelle: No, you are. I've been through enough.
Robin: Well . . . okay. Who should I accuse?
Michelle: The quarterback of the football team.
Robin: But what about our Sugar Bowl bid?
Michelle: Oh yeah. Okay, make it the walk-on tailback. We have to teach someone a lesson.

And after the athletic department throws all their resources into destroying Robin's character, she continues to stand by her story?] Even after Robin recants her accusation and the charges are dropped, Jake vows not to play in the Sugar Bowl so long as Berg remains in the employ of the athletic department. [A "key" player threatens not to play in the big game? Who's gonna buy that?] A nasty struggle in the press and in the back rooms of Mountaineer Field. After the university president fires Berg just before Christmas Jake is free to return to his team. Surprisingly the unbeaten Mountaineers find that a national championship is within their reach on New Years Day, [West Virginia? Playing for the national championship? That's the most unbelievable part of all.] [Also, the national championship is decided after New Year's day, in the BCS National Championship game.] and Jake will be there with no strings attached. My novel, "Sugar Bowl", consists of approximately 100,000 words. Besides some realistic football action, the very real issue of sexual assault in the world of college athletics is touched upon. The subject matter is somewhat timely, given the recent debate in the news about alleged sexual assault by members of the Duke University lacrosse team. [Though by the time the book comes out, that will be ancient history.] Please let me know if you're interested in taking a look at the manuscript.

Thanks!


Revised Version

Dear Evil,

With seven scholarship tailbacks out with season-ending injuries, walk-on Jake Zarephath finds himself a starter for the West Virginia Mountaineers. Life couldn't get any better--until an acquaintance, Robin Dunellen, accuses him of rape. Unfortunately for Robin, the team is in the running for an invitation to play in the prestigious Sugar Bowl game, and she becomes the target of an orchestrated campaign of public humiliation and character assassination, led by assistant athletic director Phil Berg, who will do anything to avoid the loss of a key player.

Eventually Robin admits she wasn't raped, but was goaded into making the accusation. The athletic department doesn't let up on her, and when the bludgeoning continues even after the Sugar Bowl bid is in hand, Jake has had enough. He vows not to play in the Sugar Bowl so long as Berg remains in the employ of the athletic department. A nasty struggle in the press and in the back rooms of Mountaineer Field result in the university president firing Berg just before Christmas. Jake is free to return to his team, and the unbeaten Mountaineers find that a national championship is within their reach.

My 100,000-word novel Sugar Bowl features realistic football action while calling attention to the issue of sexual assault in the world of college athletics. Please let me know if you're interested in taking a look at the manuscript.

Thanks!


Notes

Why Jake is sympathetic to Robin, when she falsely accused him, isn't clear enough. And Robin's motivation is not explained to my satisfaction.

If you think West Virginia U. came down hard on Robin, wait till you see what they do to you, if you publish a book that makes them look like jerks.


Selected Comments

michaelgav said...I'm not sure how to say this.

False accusations of rape being used to ratchet up the tension in a novel that culminates in the Big Game..? You may want to rethink this one.

Rape is kind of a sensitive issue to be used as a plot device in a football story. Matt Christopher used to write sports books for boys and girls in which the main character had a personal issue that was dogging him (or sometimes her), but things somehow worked out in time for the Big Game. These issues usually involved braces, or a stuttering problem. Not rape.

If the rape charges (and Michelle's actual assault) are more than just plot devices, perhaps the novel should build toward the resolution of those charges, not the Mountaineer's shot at the title.

There's a difference between political correctness (of which I've never been accused) and the inability to empathize with the victims of a monstrous crime. I don't see Michelle's actions as remotely believable given what she's been through. (I don't see Robin or Jake behaving believably here either, but that's a story issue, which is not what I'm talking about.)

I think this has the potential to grossly offend about 85 percent of the people who might read your query.

Maybe this should be a book about rape, or about being falsely accused of rape, set in the world of college football.

But a football novel with a little rape thrown in, well, I think that's a serious non-starter.


garden minion said...This query probably just needs a little more clarity (both of the characters' motivations and the real climax of the book).


A Reader said...The title, "Sugar Bowl", is, to put it bluntly, kind of sick when you consider that the story is about a rape. (Yeah, I get the football reference.)

It implies, at least to me, that there was something pleasurable about it, since "sugar" is usually what you call a lover.


msjones said...FIS. (Frowning In Silence, the opposite of LOL, what one experiences after reading E2's masterly commentary.)

I'm with Michaelgav on this one. The willing suspension of disbelief ain't happening for me.

It would be more credible if Robin was also too plastered to remember what happened, and was persuaded to bring rape accusations by her mother Michelle, who experienced a horrible assault back in the days when women were generally disbelieved about such stuff.

As it is, both women are monsters of passive-agression, manipulative and unsympathetic, and Jake is comically saintly in not just forgiving but fighting for someone who's trying to do him out of his chance at football glory.

(Of course, this is coming from someone who's going to be circulating petitions at Burning Man to get the name changed to Burning Person, so I may not be a representative Gentle Minion.)

Alternative scenario: Robin is in the grip of Mafiosi who have bets on the game outcome - they've kidnapped her little dog and are threatening to cut off his tail unless she does their bidding.


foxtbmex said...Ham Newton = The worst cookie ever.


Anonymous said...From the query, I didn't think this sounded like a misuse of a rape plot...sounded at the end like the author was trying to bring sexual assualt to light as an issue of possible concern in college athletics (or in general).
Also - the two girls ganging up to accuse someone of rape?? Why not? Has anyone else seen the movie Wild Things? One girl was not actually assaulted but went in with the other girl to help get him convicted. It had some more twists to it, but that was a big part of the plot.

Not sure from this query why they picked this football player to gang up on rather than the guy who ACTUALLY assaulted Michelle...


Luna said...Plus, the "psycho woman getting revenge for rape/abuse/men in general" has been done to death and always struck me as creepily sexist (towards the women.) Turn it more in a thriller-ish direction and I might read it, but as it is I would be icked.


JTC said..."realistic football action . . ." This has been tried to death and has NEVER been accomplished. If you've ever played football, you know it simply cannot be done. However, most people have never played football so some may buy it.

To me, it sounds as if the author knows nothing about football -expecially college football and the way the national championship works (as EE pointed out). When you write, write what you know or get to know what you write through extensive research.

As far as the "main" plot goes, there are way too many holes. If you are going to write about rape and rape accusations you are going to have to write a very tight story. Just my humble opinion.


born_liar said...Here's one way this could be believable:
- Robin WAS raped, at a party, by someone other than Jake. But she was very drunk or drugged and the events are a little hazy. Jake is the only one at the party whose name she remembers.
- Michelle, still seething over her own rapist's getting away with it, pushes Robin into accusing Jake even though Robin's not sure he was involved.
- Jake sympathizes with Robin because she was in fact raped, maybe even in the next room, and he didn't do anything about it.


Urnamma said...Jake: My life is ruined. I can never play the game I love again, I am in danger of being expelled, etc... But, I feel SOOOOO bad for you.
Why has poor jake been accused in the first place, and what kind of cold bitch is robin to do so, if the -actual- rape took place in a different area of the country, and the victim was another person? Even if he felt bad for michelle, why would jake not be angrier than a bag of pissed off cobras at robin?


Anonymous said...Thanks everybody. It hurts when it's your turn but I appreciate all the thoughtful tips from EE and the Minions...

Face-Lift 1156

Guess the Plot

Rift

1. Captain Tisdale wishes he never took the helm on Disney's Bermuda Triangle Line. Mickey's smoking blunts while Donald's tapping Goofy. Chip and Dale have bivouacked in the galley and Pluto thinks he's a cat. Can the stalwart captain pull them from the rift before Snow White begins the striptease, or will every child aboard grow up to become a Pirate of the Caribbean?

2. After taking a wrong step during a hike in the Rocky Mountains and falling into a deep rift, Alice discovers that she’s breached a border between our world and a world of demons. Her fear of ending up like the guy from 127 Hours is now replaced by a question: “Is she stranded here or is she simply tripping from the mushrooms she found while hiking?”

3. Militant atheist and unemployed journalist Jason Simmons is lonely and desperate to meet girls, so he starts an organization: RIFT, Religion Is For Twerps. After weeks of relentless blogging, retweeting, and posting, his only followers are male. There's got to be a way of meeting girls without leaving Uncle Ralph's basement.

4. High atop one of the two cleft hills in the bushy realm of Pubus Moundus, a lonely cootie stares longingly at a girl cootie who sits atop the other hill. Dare he brave the treacherous terrain that separates the two hills, where there are said to be beguiling folded crags and a slippery cavern that is often frequented by gigantic bald-headed ogres? Will love and the biological imperative to make a whole bunch of baby cooties compel him to try and get past...the Rift?

5. When struggling author Jamie Webster moves to Wheeler’s Cove to work on his second novel, he discovers the town is a rift in time, and that he's gone into the future. Fortunately, it's only a month or two in the future and this is Wheeler's Cove, so everything is pretty much the same.

6. Paleontologist Ashley Drake is working on a site in Africa's Rift Valley, near where the famous "Lucy' was found. Jacob Hauser, class clown and brilliant grad student, finds an Australopithecine skeleton--but won't let Ashley see it until he gets a kiss. Is it worth risking her reputation for a chance with the hot, hunky Jacob?

7. Minor league shortstop Eddie Rift tells his fiancée he’s never going to make the show, so he will take the small college coaching job. Then aliens abduct him and experiment on him. At spring training, he’s stronger, faster, and has acute vision. For three years, he's a superstar: beautiful girls, celebrity friends, and scandalous parties. Suddenly, his talents vanish. Now, Rift has no fiancée, no coaching position, and no future. Also, a sardonic talking glove.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

The body of a sixteen-year-old girl washes ashore in Wheeler’s Cove, a small Victorian coastal town. She’s been shot twice – once in the head, once in the stomach. The next day she turns up at the local police station, very much alive. [Twins. Clone? Wait, zombie! Final answer.]

Jamie Webster is a struggling writer who moves [moved] to Wheeler’s Cove to escape the mounting expectations of his second novel. [I would expect mounting expectations if his first novel was a bestseller. As he's a struggling writer, I'm not sure why there are any expectations.] Alice Jackson has returned to her home town to wait out her husband’s death from lung cancer. Alice and Jamie meet one night on the peninsula, where they are the first to find the murdered girl, strewn across the rocks.

But something strange is taking place in Wheeler’s Cove; the dead aren’t staying dead. Alice and Jamie figure out that the peninsula is a rift in time, a place that exists simultaneously three months apart. Jamie is from the past, Alice from the future. While Jamie sees the homicide as inspiration for his novel, Alice wants to use the link to the past to see her husband one last time. [If, in her "world," her husband is already dead, remove the word "has" from the previous paragraph.] Problem is; they’ve also got a dead body to worry about. [It seems to me that by the time they've somehow figured out that the peninsula is a rift in time, the dead body would be someone else's problem, namely Timecop's.]

Using clues both before and after the murder, they must piece together the mystery before the past catches up to the present, and the girl dies for good. [In the time it takes the past to catch up to the present, is the present standing still so that the future is now twice as far ahead of the present as it used to be? Or is the past moving faster than the present which is moving faster than the future so that they all meet up? And if the latter, after they all meet up do they maintain their speeds so that the past passes the present and they both pass the future which means the future now happens first and then the present and then the past? That reminds me of Counter-Clock World, by Philip K. Dick, in which the dead aren't staying dead, but when they come back to life they're buried six feet under and have to be dug up.] [Not that I need an explanation, but I assumed when you said Alice was from the future and Jamie from the past, that they met in the present, which means the girl is dead in the present. Now you say she hasn't died for good, so my question is, In which time period is the girl still alive? Past or future? Apparently the future, as she turns up alive at the police station. So she died in the past and she's dead in the present but alive in the future. Got it.]

But old towns have old secrets. As Alice and Jamie delve further into the murder, they find that this may not be the first homicide in their quiet town. And, if they’re not careful, it may not be the last. [I find the previous paragraph a more interesting wrap-up to the plot than this one.]

Rift is a 75,000 word thriller novel where [in which] the protagonists must work together to simultaneously investigate a murder both before and after it happens.

I am an award winning and nationally televised stand-up comedian. [Are you Louis C.K.?] I have been featured on ABC Television and JJJ, RRR, and ABC radio. This is my first novel. Other novelists I enjoy reading in this genre are Peter Temple, for his realism, and Stephen King, for his higher concept thrillers.

I also have an Engineering Honours Degree, which I know has no credence [connection] with novel writing, but mentioning it makes me feel like I didn’t waste five years of my life. [Unless you've written a comedy, your comedy credits haven't much connection either.]

Thank you for your time,


Notes

Well done. I'd be intrigued enough to want to check it out. As with all time travel plots, there are inexplicable plot points, but no one will expect otherwise.

I wouldn't think there would be so many changes in this place over a three-month period that Alice and Jamie would suspect that something weird is happening. I assume they weren't in the police station when the dead girl walked in alive, but even if they were, they'd assume twin, clone or zombie long before they settled on three-month rift in time. What is it that they can explain only as a rif--. . . Unless:

Alice: Kind of warm for November, don't you think?
Jamie: Actually, I was thinking it's awfully chilly for August.
Alice: Hmm. Apparently this place is a rift in time.

Face-Lift 1155

Guess the Plot

A Midsummer Night's Fling

1. Vera's young, newly single, and trying to forget her recent break-up from Cord on a Jamaican vacation. At Club Fantastique Vera has many admirers, but will she choose love, or a sure fling? And, how did Cord find her out here?

2. Torrey wants a real girlfriend, but his sights are set on Sheila--cheerleader captain who never dates a boy twice. Love struck, he ambushes Sheila in costumes so she never figures out it's him. But what happens when she falls for his gangsta rap persona? Also, angsty teen musings.

3. Nicola wins the role of Titania in A Midsummer Night's Dream, only to learn that Oberon is being played by Max, who was great between the sheets during the decade she dated him, but who broke her heart more than once. Will it be true love this time around, or just a summer’s worth of mind-blowing, meaningless sex?

4. Sixty-hour a week, workaholic John Trebuchet hates his neighbors. They party all night and their dog barks all day.The ASPCA investigates when one of the dogs is found--a pile of bones and fur--two blocks away. When PETA shows up at John's door with cans of red paint John wonders if he should have waited till winter to test his catapult.

5. The senior trip is a Caribbean island and Tiffany’s determined to get some strange. She drinks too much with a cute local guy then they walk to the beach. She doesn't show for the return flight. It’s an international scandal. Major networks send film crews and a plethora of detectives descend on the little island. Can PI Zeke Miller solve the case after everybody else has failed?

6. Woody had warned Tony to stay away from the strange woman who hung around the movie set, but she was too hot to resist. Now she's pregnant and Tony thinks it's his, but was it really her he fondled behind the tree in the dark?

7. A couple of eight-year-olds build a ginormous catapult in the woods and fling their baby sister into orbit. When she returns with photos of mysterious craft orbiting the earth, the kids have to run from the men in black and their outraged parents.


Original Version

Dear Ms. Agent,

I queried you last year about another project of mine [my novel, Not Quite Good Enough]. You said at that time that you enjoyed my humor and would like to see my next book when it was finished. I am currently seeking an agent for "A Midsummer Night’s Fling," a contemporary romance complete at 100K [I knew "K" was an abbreviation for "thousand"; is it also an abbreviation for "thousand words"?] that should appeal to fans of the wry humor and playful sexiness in the works of Jennifer Crusie, Victoria Dahl, and Shannon Stacey. 

After more than a decade of dating the man, [aspiring actress] Nicola Charles knows to stay away from Max Fiesengerke. [I could have told her that the moment I saw that his name was an anagram for "making sex free."] [[I recommend changing "the man" to "him". Then I recommend that "him" and "Max Fingerling" swap places in the sentence.] He’s already broken her heart—twice!—and she’s not dumb enough to go up for [risk number] strike three. [We'll see. I predict that she is dumb enough.] After several years of setbacks as an aspiring actress, she thinks life is finally going her way when she’s cast as Titania in a production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream at a prestigious theater company.

Her luck has turned, but for the worse: Max is playing Oberon. The Titania part is a big break for her, but being in close contact [working] with Max every day is about as bad as being water-boarded every night for fun [torture]. Nicola doesn’t want to fall back into the quagmire of Max’s guarded heart, [Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, TSTL.] [It seems to me that Nicola would be the one with the guarded heart, not Max.] but the chemistry between them, onstage and off, is not to be denied. Max has always been a caring and attentive lover if nothing else, so what could it hurt to use him for a good, old-fashioned summer fling? [Yeah, that'll teach him.]

Max knows he hurt Nicola. Twice. But he can’t get her out of his head. Or stop thinking about what it might be like to steam up the sheets with her again. For old time’s sake. The play throws them together again, and Max is more than happy to volunteer as Nicola’s love slave and offer her a summer’s worth of mind-blowing, meaningless sex. [Max is truly benevolent.]

But is it going to be just another midsummer night’s fling, [Another? They dated for over a decade. If their past consisted only of flings, why was Nicola heartbroken?] or have the two of them finally found what they’ve dreamed of all their lives? True Love. [You've provided no evidence that Max has dreamed of true love all his life.]

In addition to contemporary romances I plan to continue writing SF/F works, and I was recently accepted to the 2013 Viable Paradise writing workshop run by Patrick and Teresa Nielsen Hayden. Under my old pen name E.D. Walker, I had two projects end up with small ePublishers who have since closed down. I currently have one of those books, a YA fantasy novel, self-published on Amazon. I am a member of Romance Writers of America. [I don't think this credits paragraph is doing you any good. If the publishers closed down after e-publishing your novels, those are worth mentioning. I'm sure if St. Martin's closes its doors, Jennifer Crusie will continue to include her novels among her credits.]

Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.

Sincerely,


Notes

I think we need to know what Max did to break Nicola's heart. If they agreed to just have summer flings, but she eventually wanted more and he didn't, he's less of a jerk than if he left her standing at the altar a couple times. If you can't make us care about Max at all, we aren't going to want to read a book in which he and Nicola end up together. We're going to want to read the book wherein she takes her revenge.

Fake Plots Needed

. . . for titles in query queue