Evil Editor's Blog, page 119

Face-Lift 1167

Guess the Plot
The Borrowed Man
1. His neighbors have borrowed almost everything he owns- his lawnmower, his rake, his hedge clippers. Now one of them is "borrowing" his wife. Luckily there's one thing no one has borrowed yet: his Glock.

2. To make it home in time for dinner with his wealthy future mother-in-law, morgue attendant Ed Bomer nabs a John Doe so he can use the carpool lane during rush hour. Will he still get her blessing after she insists he set her up with the handsome fellow she spied riding shotgun?

3. Kelli and Kaci are mad for each other, and long for a child they can call their own. Unable to pay for in vitro, they search for a suitable donor. Surely, there must be one good candidate in Saskatchewan?

4. Seeking vengeance on the men who murdered him, Adam Rorke possesses his brother Tim's body and sets out to commit multiple murders of his own, using an electric saw. And now Tim must worry about being arrested for murder or killed by the murderers Adam hasn't gotten to yet.

5. Jackie will be damned if she's bringing her paunchy, unemployed, boorish husband to her 25th high school reunion. Especially not when her BFF's strapping son, Cord, is home for spring break. Jackie rocks her cougar status . . . until hubby gate-crashes. Hilarity ensues.

6. Voodoo practitioner Amanda Lively needs a date for her cousin's wedding, so she digs up a recently deceased male model -- suffocated in his own hairspray -- and reanimates him. He smells bad, he mumbles and he's a terrible dancer, but it's not until her pushy mother starts dragging him from table to table introducing him as Amanda's fiance that Amanda picks up a steak knife and wonders what other uses can she find for . . . The Borrowed Man.

7. Lady Kibbelford’s masquerade ball is the highlight of the autumn season. But her butler and several of her staff are down with the flu. She asks visiting Duke Sterreich, if she can borrow his main man. Due to mistranslation, she gets Sterreich’s Hungarian gardener.


Original Version
Dear Agent,
Tim Rorke's dead brother Adam has possessed him to avenge his own murder.
He knew how crazy that sounded. [To whom? Has he told someone this?] Maybe even crazier than killing a stranger at a train station with Adam's gun. And that's not even the worst thing he's done lately. He tried not to think of the circular saw and how those things really could cut through just about anything. [If you're talking about human flesh, that's probably a lot easier to cut through than anything a circular saw is normally used to cut through.] [Also, this paragraph would make more sense if we had already been told that Adam was killed by multiple people. As it is, it's not clear what the saw has to do with anything.] [Perhaps something like this would work better:


Tim Rorke's dead brother Adam has possessed him to avenge his own murder. Unfortunately, Adam was murdered by the entire Miami Heat basketball team. Putting a bullet in Dwyane Wade's head was easy enough, but killing LeBron James by cutting off his limbs with a circular saw was a bit over the top. Tim doesn't even want to think about what Adam has in store for the benchwarmers.]
Adam, who turned his back on Tim twenty years ago, has really dumped him in the shit now.
Even if Tim doesn't get arrested for multiple murders, Adam's killers are going to kill him. If not because he killed some of them, then for the money Adam stole from them - the money they now think Tim has. If he can find it, maybe he can make a deal. Maybe they'll let him live.
Though that doesn't [won't] help him with problem number three; [colon] what to do about [how to get rid of] Adam? [period]
The Borrowed Man is complete at 85,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

If you have no luck with this story, try writing one of the fake plots. They all sound like winners.

If Adam stole from these guys, they probably killed him because they wanted revenge. There should be a limit of one revenge killing per situation. Otherwise, after Adam gets revenge on the guys who got revenge on him, they may possess other people and seek more revenge on him.

It's not that bothersome that it's mostly setup, as the situation is interesting, but something about what Tim does (to find the money? to get rid of Adam?) might help us see where the story goes.

Speaking of which, in order to find the money, Tim needs control of his body. If he has control, why can't he stop Adam from committing the murders?

Face-Lift 1166

New Beginning 1016

We haven’t had bread in nearly a week. My thin slice is well past the point of stale, but I savor every dry crumb as I make my way to our spot. There’s not nearly as much violence on our side, but I still tuck the bread up my sleeve when a small group of woman walk past me. Men aren’t the only ones who know how to throw a punch. Besides losing my bread, I don’t want to be late. This is the only part of my day I have to look forward to.

There are only a few guards at the fence tonight. It’s been a while since anyone has caused a scene, so they probably feel safe. From what Patrice said, it was awful for the first few weeks. They needed guards armed with shock sticks to keep people from trying to climb the razor sharp wires. By the time we got out of Quarantine, the worst of it had passed. No one holds on to hope for long inside the PIT.

Why the busiest restaurant in town feels the need to corral its customers like dissenters in a Russian gulag, I don't know. But the ribs are to die for. Bring a hundred-dollar deposit and a survival backpack for the week-long wait. While Quarantine is the pits, after that--it's pork heaven! See you at the PIT!


Opening: Sarah Negovetich.....Continuation: Kregger

Face-Lift 1165

Guess the Plot

Lady No Soul

1. As Pope Boniface VIII explores the Vatican archives in the year 1295, he discovers irrefutable proof of a fact that could bring down the Church: Women have souls. Surely God would want him to destroy the evidence?

2. Her parents called her Sally. At the orphanage they called her Little Missy. At twenty-one she finds the karaoke blues bar and when she gets up on stage they give her the nickname that finally sticks: Lady No Soul.

3. Carol knew snapping and head-bopping was not dancing. That's why she accepted the salsa lessons she won in that Internet giveaway. Now her steamy teacher, El Diablo, seems hell-bent on bringing her to heel. Can Carol master the Cha-Cha before she loses her soul?

4. Chrissy is abducted by goblins and taken to their city, where the notorious Lady collects souls for her diabolical plots. Will the luxurious surroundings and opulent gifts from the Lady lure Chrissy into staying, or will she escape and return to her dull, predictable life?

5. Vandelia is one of the Unsouled, a group of immortals who cannot love or die because of an ancient magician's curse. Then Marco comes into her life and she feels a strange attraction to him. Is he the new owner of the soul she was deprived of hundreds of years ago? And if he is, how will the two maybe-lovers resolve it?

6. Villagers whisper about strange lights, sounds and smells coming from the abandoned church just outside of town. Faron and Garn decide to arm themselves with torches, cheap swords, and whiskey to find what's really inside. Now can they escape...Lady No Soul?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor, Pink Cloud of Sweetness and Light Extraordinaire:

We must not look at goblin-men.

Chrissy has always known what path her life will take. [Not true (I looked ahead.)] She speaks when she’s spoken to, she learns her lessons and minds her manners in preparation for the day when she’ll attract a nice young gentleman and settle down into a respectable marriage. [Chrissy has spent her life preparing for the day she'll settle down in a respectable marriage. There, I've converted 43 sleep-inducing words into 16 sleep-inducing words. Now let's get to the good stuff.] That’s Chrissy’s plan—until the night that [Then one night] goblins break into the house and drag her through the shadows and rainbow fire to the goblin city, a place of glittering debauchery and cruelty. A city where the mysterious and beautiful Lady collects souls for [her] own hidden purposes.

The goblin world breaks every rule Chrissy has ever known, and she is alternately fascinated and repulsed by the Lady’s life of casual cruelty and opulent luxury. The sudden freedom of her strange new life is intoxicating, and the Lady plies her with gifts and treats, but Chrissy knows she mustn’t give in. [By "give in," you mean accept gifts and treats? What will happen if she does?] She has to stand firm. She can’t trust anyone.

But as the days go by and Chrissy becomes more and more [is] immersed in the goblin world, she can’t help but wonder if the rules she has always followed apply here. It can’t be wrong to listen to Cog, the Lady’s quiet and philosophical alchemist, with his jars of magic and strings of spells. It can’t be wicked to spend time with Wist, whose strange eyes and cold heart intrigue her beyond manners and moral thought. [Not clear what these examples have to do with rules she has always followed. Was there a rule against listening to philosophical alchemists in her former home? Her rules included speak when spoken to and mind your manners, so it seems that if an alchemist or a man with strange eyes speaks to her,  engaging them in conversation is following her rules. Perhaps: as she is immersed....she finds herself intrigued by this strange culture. She spends hours listening to Cog....and talking with Wist....]

But the Lady is planning something, her plots and secrets weaving ever tighter around the lives of the people in her court. [What clues her in to this?] If Chrissy is going to escape, [Does she have any idea how to get home from this place?] she needs to move quickly before the goblin tricks and magics trap her forever. But whom can she trust? [She can't trust anyone. Oh, wait, I had you delete that sentence.] Is anyone on her side? Is it ever safe to look at goblin-men? [It's pretty hard not to.]

LADY NO SOUL is a fantasy novel complete at 80,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

I don't see the "looking at goblin men" opening and closing as helpful. Nothing between them explains what's wrong with looking at goblin men or whether it's ever safe.

I don't like any of the references to "rules." If she's from a world where breaking rules like mind your manners is punished by death, make that clear.

Is her abduction random? If not, does the Lady make it clear why she was chosen?

We need to know what's at stake, more than "the Lady is planning something." Is Chrissy just interested in getting out, or does she want to thwart the Lady's plan? If the latter, are her "friends" Cog and Wist in danger? We need to know specifically what's going on.

Because Evil Editor Cares

Evil Editor has had to compose three of the fake plots for each of the last two Face-Lifts. Evil Editor has enough work just composing the actual plots. In a last-ditch effort to keep the Guess the Plot feature from going the way of the dinosaur, I've instituted a new feature, a sidebar supplement: Next to the terms "Query Queue" and "CONTINUE SOMEONE'S OPENING" in the sidebar, you'll find the number of titles awaiting fake plots and the number of openings awaiting continuations. This will save you the annoyance of clicking on the terms only to discover that the queue is empty and that you've wasted three seconds of what remains of your life.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

The Spices of Life

1. As the Food Channel gears up for another battle among amateur chefs, the competition couldn't be hotter. Rosemary must face her nemesis, Cinnamon, who not only stole her signature recipe, but her husband too. Can Pepper win back the love of her life and the golden bundt pan?

2. Ginger comes home after a bad day only to discover that all of her spices have disappeared from her spice cupboard, which has become a portal to a world where the food is completely bland. Turns out her spices are the legendary Lost Seasons, but can she get them back in thyme to finish making her bruschetta?

3. Unemployed banker Basil Warner goes on a drunken binge to prepare himself for suicide, but as he's teetering on the ledge, his fairy godmother appears and reveals his mission in life: create a line of ice creams flavored with the spices of life, starting with Hope. So he begins the Internet research phase.

4. While experimenting with ingredients for a new pizza sauce, Saffron inadvertently creates a formula that can reanimate the dead. Does her chance discovery spell the end of humanity as we know it, or will it merely provide Saffron with an army of delivery boys who'll settle for less than minimum wage?

5. When Pepper Morgan meets Eric Salt, she immediately knows they were made for each other. Commitment-phobic Eric's belief in destiny, however, is somewhat less strong. While he dallies with a string of quickly forgotten women, Pepper summons her hidden talents and embarks on a quest to prove to Eric that variety is just one of the spices of life.

6. When TV chef Hillary Grimes drives her Porsche into the Pacific off of Malibu, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: no one would ever deliberately do that to a 914, and his wife is probably gonna make enchiladas tonight. Again.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Ginger is an average high school sophomore whose one great passion is cooking. She knows the uses of every spice in her beloved spice cupboard, from anise to wasabi, [and hopes one day to know what to do with the allspice and zedoary.] and can make anything from simple scrambled eggs to a triple layer cheesecake. [If that's another alphabetical range, it's not as impressive as the first one.] [Plus, anyone can cook simple scrambled eggs. Considering the next sentence, if you must name two dishes Ginger can cook, they should be two exotic dishes. From aardvark pie to zebra croquettes.] However, as exotic as her cooking can be, Ginger has never considered leaving her small hometown to visit other countries [from Afghanistan to Zimbabwe] with her wealthy parents, who spend much of their time abroad. [This makes it sound like it's highly unusual for a high school sophomore who can make triple-layer cheesecake not to be a world traveler. I don't think we even need the parents in the query.] Adventure, she tells them, is just not her thing.

Then Ginger comes home from a bad day at school and discovers that her spices are missing, along with the entire inside of her spice cupboard, which has become a portal to another world. [That happened to me once, or at least I thought so. Turned out I shouldn't have eaten that whole tin of nutmeg.] Furious, the girl plunges through and finds herself in a strange land where most people have pointed ears [She's on Vulcan?] if not scales or fur, animals can often talk, and worst of all, the food is completely bland. [Actually, it's not that the food is bland, it's just that Vulcans don't show emotion, even when eating. Although it's hard to believe even Spock could remain stoic while eating a chocolate souffle or a jalapeno burrito.]

Turns out her spices are believed to be the legendary lost Seasons hidden by a wizard many years ago, [Where'd they get that idea?] and everyone wants a piece of their power. [Aha. It's Dune for kids.] Everyone, that is, except Ginger, who just wants her spices back so she can go home and finish that lovely bruschetta...

At 60,000 words, The Spices of Life is a middle grade fantasy novel. The complete manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

It's about time home economics students had a fantasy just for them. They must be sick of stories about cooking contests and making dinner for their invalid grandparents.

Are Ginger's spices the lost Seasons? If so, say they are, instead of saying they are believed to be. If they aren't, you might explain why everyone thinks they are.

Wouldn't it be easier just to go to the grocery store than to cross into a land where people are willing to go to war for her spices?


Selected Comments

arhooley said...At what point does Ginger (cute choice of name) discover that "the inside of her spice cupboard" is a portal to another world? If it's when she finds the spices are all gone, you should convey more surprise. Also, I'm not sure what you mean by "inside" -- the contents, or the interior of the cupboard (which I can't visualize being gone anyway)? And I'd give Ginger higher stakes than just the bruschetta.

THAT said, I think this is an incredibly fun and lovely idea. One of my favorite books as a wee tyke was Pitidoe the Color Maker, about a land that bleaches out to pure white one day and then gets it back all mixed up the next.


AA said...I'd remove a few sentences of the buildup in the first paragraph and add a few more interesting details about the magical world in the second paragraph.

If you can tighten up the writing a little and leave out some unnecessary words you can "buy' more words to use for the more interesting parts of the story.


Anonymous said...How many spices are in scrambled eggs or cheesecake? How about thai curry or some palak paneer, for God's sake?


Dave F. said...This sounds like fun but please, junk that first paragraph.You could start with:
"Ginger comes home from a bad day in highschool and discovers her spice cupboard has become a portal to another world, a world of bland food and humanoid animals that talk."

In the magic world does Thyme really stop time?
Is summer just cumin round the rye?
Does Rosemary bring its own Nelson? (really obscure BTW).
Are the Red Hot Chile Peppers better than Paul and Mary Bland?


Phoenix said...I do like the idea of this, but the tone of the query and the plot as given here make it seem like a young MG novel, and 15 seems way too old for the protag. Unless "everyone wants a piece of their power" is hiding something a lot more dark, sinister, and deadly, there really doesn't seem to be much here for those savvier older MG readers who would idolize a 15-yo MC.

But that could be the fault of the query since the query is mostly setup and the plot is breezed right over without giving the reader much to judge by.

It's especially important to get tone and audience right in this case since portal stories are almost as ubiquitous as vampires: you can't give an agent/editor ANY room to say "no" because they know there's another portal story or two waiting in their next handful of queries.


AA said...I'd listen to Dave. It's sage advice. The first paragraph takes up too much thyme. And remember, Phoenix is a real agent so do anything you can to curry her favor.


Phoenix said...Acckkk! No, no, not a real agent. (But you can still curry away!)(Or should that be caraway?)


Chicory said...This story does sound like fun. Do her world traveling parents have anything to do with it, though? Because it seems like a lot of time is spent on her NOT traveling. Also, I agree that the protagonist seems a little old for the story unless there's a romantic element or the story is a lot grimmer than its whimsical tone implies.


Anonymous said...Wasabi is not a spice. So there goes that premise. Sorry.


Ellie said...Perhaps I've just been using the wrong recipes, but I've never heard of bruschetta needing spices. Fresh herbs, yes ...


Anonymous said...I love this. Sure, fix up the nits EE and others found, but I bet you have a winner with this - it just sounds so fun.


Anonymous said...This sounds fun and cute! A little cleaning up, and I think it could be a winner. Just make sure you don't overdo the whole "adventure is not for me" angle. Sometimes it can come off as whiny and boring. Use it as you would a strong spice- sparingly.


M. G. E. said...Scrambled eggs is not a feat, but an omelet is indeed difficult to do right. Maybe use that instead.
Apart from questions of cooking challenging cuisine, this plot struck me as very "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" because of its spice-rack doorway to another world.

I question whether this plot can sustain an entire novel. It felt like a short-story plot to me, novella tops. Well, 60k basically is a novella, so maybe that's it.

The query is missing an antagonist and the protag's goal. Is she just trying to get her spices back? Or is she trying to get home? Unique premise isn't enough for me.

One good thing about this premise is that spices as reference-fodder are fairly universal. And, as has been shown already, ripe for fun puns of all manner. Almost reminiscent of the Phantom Tollbooth.


Spices Author said...Thank you, everyone, for your suggestions and comments. I'll do a major rehaul of this before reposting...

Doing NaNoWriMo?

Get feedback on your first 150 - 200 words. Plus suggestions on where to go from there.

The first few paragraphs can make or break you; EE & his minions want to tell you what you're doing wrong.

Face-Lift 1164

Guess the Plot

The Life that I Have

1. I was murdered a century ago, so you'd think I'd be dead, but I'm immortal. Since I never look any older I have to move to a new town every time I graduate from high school. That's why immortality is a curse, at least when you're 16. If I have to read Paradise Lost one more time I think I'll jam a stake through my heart.

2. I'm twenty two-years-old. I live down by the river in a broken down van with no electricity or running water. My disability and morbid obesity keep me unemployed, and my parents disowned me when I was expelled from rehab. But now I have a plan. And it will work, because Saturday Night Live needs a turn around.

3. I love all living creatures. I'm a caregiver at a wild animal rehab center. On the night of the winter solstice, both a werewolf and a vampire bit me. For twenty-eight days, I was myself. But under the full moon, I became a vicious blood sucking monster. I despair my life and wonder if I shouldn't have become a blood sucking lawyer like my father.

4. I work twelve hours a day shoveling out pigsties. When I get home I watch my 14-inch black and white TV that only gets one channel: Bravo. Which stinks, except when The Real Housewives of New Jersey is on. It's not exactly the life of Riley, but it's . . . The Life that I Have.

5. Terrorized by bullies at school and my abusive mother at home, I begged a vampire to bite me and give me power. Instead the vampire bit my mother, then passed out, drunk. So I found a werewolf, who promptly ran off with the vampire.

6. I get up in the morning, go to work, come home, eat a frozen dinner, watch TV all night, and go to bed. Hey, it's better than being enslaved by Rhodesian diamond miners.



Original Version

Dear Agent I Want So Much To Impress

For Vivi Tell, immortality is a curse. Life is something she borrows, not something she owns. She's spent a century clinging to who she used to be. A sixteen-year-old girl who lost everything: her home, her family, her hopes. And maybe her soul. She has never stopped hating the handsome young man who took her 'real' life, even as she blames herself for what happened.

Vivi allows herself to love only one person, her adoptive mother, Diana. But every few years, they must separate to deflect notice of their shared 'condition.' [If you mean Mom is also immortal, I can see why they would have to move, but not why they have to separate.] Vivi's latest move, to Oak Village, Ohio, begins to bring [brings] changes to a girl who doesn't [didn't] believe she can [could] change. First she is drawn into a friendship with the tough, talkative Shoshannah Silver, a housemate delighted to find herself living with another Jewish girl. Then she attracts the attention of Ian Olmsted, the sweetly geeky vice president of the high school's Astronomy Club, who somehow manages to make a girl who knows she's all wrong feel like she belongs. Despite her own misgivings and Diana's outright forbiddance, Vivi decides to pursue the relationship.

But Vivi's new connections force her to keep secrets from everyone she cares about. [She was already keeping her biggest secret from everyone she cared about, and everyone else. I assume.] She can't share her new experiences with Diana. Shoshannah is hurt by her reticence. Even Ian doubts her trust in him. Those secrets become dangerous when her murderer reappears – with Ian – and Vivi begins a desperate attempt to protect the boy she loves from her own fate. Meanwhile, she herself is threatened when vigilantes who will make no distinction between killer and victim begin to close in on Oak Village – and Shoshannah becomes eager to join them. [When your best friend is eager to join vigilante killers, it may be time to cut the ties. Especially if you are the target of the vigilante killers.] Revealing the truth at last only makes things worse, as Vivi and Ian are each confronted with temptations she has never anticipated.

THE LIFE THAT I HAVE, a YA paranormal coming-of-age novel, is complete at 107,000 words. It is the bittersweet tale of how love and friendship bring a girl who doesn't believe she deserves to be happy out of the past, and into an uncertain present where she must fight for the very soul she's not even sure she has. [If you've shown this in your plot description with specificity, there's no need to now tell us with vagueness.] In asking what a person must accept about her circumstances, and what she can – or should not – change, it offers no easy solutions and no happily-ever-after. I think it would appeal to fans of Maggie Stiefvater's The Wolves of Mercy Falls Trilogy, Carrie Ryan's The Dark and Hollow Places, and Melina Marchetta's Jellicoe Road. [Ms. Stiefvater was an Evil Minion in the early years of this blog, and Ms. Ryan joined us when we discussed her novel The Forest of Hands and Teeth. Thus they are worthy of mention, but this third person has not earned the privilege.]

This is my first novel. I have been writing fiction since I could hold a pencil, but haven't been published since college. I grew up in Ohio and currently reside in the Boston area, where I work in civil engineering and do competitive racewalking in addition to writing (many of my best ideas have come to me during a long workout). [The Life I Have is more interesting than the life you have. Dump this paragraph.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

Your refusal to include the word "vampire" is distracting. First I'm thinking, She's a vampire. Later I'm thinking, Why hasn't the word "vampire" come up? Still later I'm thinking, Few people can go this long without using the word "vampire," even if their book has no vampires; apparently she's not a vampire.

Does Vivi kill people and/or turn them? Is she responsible for her adoptive mother's "condition"?

This is well-written, but even without the bio, it's a bit long. The first paragraph could be reduced to:

For Vivi Tell, immortality is a curse. A sixteen-year-old girl who lost her family, her hopes, and maybe her soul, she has never stopped hating the handsome young man who took her "real" life a century ago, even as she blames herself for what happened.

Not sure we need Mom in the query. The main plot seems to be this:

Immortal Vivi moves to Oak Village and falls for the local astronomy geek. One day, to her horror, she sees her geek hanging with the bastard who immortalized her.


So, open with the setup paragraph, introducing Vivi and her "condition." Then a paragraph in which she moves, falls for Ian, discovers he's in danger of becoming as cursed as she is. Finally a paragraph about her plan to accomplish the goal of saving Ian, and the obstacle preventing this (vigilantes are after her).


I seem to have left Shoshannah out, along with Mom. Probably not a bad thing. A heroine, her love interest and a villain can usually carry a nine-sentence plot summary.

National Book Award Guess the Plot

Below are the five titles short-listed for the National Book Award. Your job is to guess which of the plot descriptions is the real plot of the book.


Bleeding Edge

1. Carl Hollowell studies the newest body modification craze amongst teenagers with daddy issues. Also, militant protests in 1980s Beverly Hills.

2. Seth goes from comfortable home to the mean streets after his parents are killed in a drive-by. Now Seth fights for cash to survive day-to-day. Getting by is the best one can do on the . . . Bleeding Edge.

3. Hilarious murder mystery set against the backdrop of the 9/11 attacks.

4. Think of Tippi Tamponeera as a “00” agent for the feminine hygiene company Shieldies. She has a license to wreak havoc on competitive companies, especially Shieldies’ toughest competition Angelica Safety Wings, which promises protection against sideward leakage. For Tippi, it is a simple matter of factory sabotage to clip an angel’s wings. For Angelica’s customers, it’s ... the Bleeding Edge.

5. A serial killer barber uses his razor to behead customers. Cops get on to him when a routine traffic stop uncovers a van filled with human heads, all with recent haircuts.

6. Occam’s razor was so dull it was easier to tell which hairs weren’t cut. In a fit of pique he swore if he couldn’t get a close shave, he’d slit his own throat. The next day, Occam’s evil twin was found in a pool of blood, his throat a wreck and Occam’s razor in his hand. The authorities want to know who wrote the word “parse” in blood with the razor’s edge and how Occam will figure it out. He doesn’t have a clue.


Tenth of December

1. Three days after Pearl Harbor, Navy recruit Jack Donohue escorts his cousin to the Army recruitment center in Dallas. Once they see him, they want him. Can he ever leave, or will he be forced to resort to desperate tactics to escape? Also, militant protests in 1940s Japan.

2. A misfit boy on an imaginary mission meets up with a dying man on a frozen pond. Also, living lawn ornaments and sadistic neurological experiments.

3. Yet another pregnancy diary by a woman who thinks she's the first in the world to give birth. And even though her name's Eve, it ain't the case. Will her infant be one of the minority who actually arrive on the due date, you guessed it, the tenth of Dec?

4. Three days ago the Japanese struck Pearl Harbor. Today, Special operative James MacInerney arrives in Japan. His mission? Take out Hirohito.

5. The last fire was finally extinguished and the first tears of the dead rose from the Arizona. A giant shakes loose, sits up, and peers around the world. It has been decades since his last appearance. It's time to get down to business. He turns to his minions, and says, “Let’s roll!”

6. ‘Twas fifteen days till Christmas, and in the Senate and House,
the Capital Hillers played, again, cat and mouse.
Deals offered were tempting, as if baited with cheese,
but for those who liked Tea, no cheese would appease.
So the Economy wondered, “Does another debt crisis loom?
Will Nonessentials, again, be deemed essentially doomed?”
Oh, and that girl’s face on the website of Obamacare that fled:
was she a casualty of the uninsureds’ cyber-dread?
Still, one thing is certain, and of this never fear:
taxes are due April 15th next year.


The Flamethrowers

1. A motorcycle racer moves to New York for the art scene and falls in with the heir to a motorcycle company. Together they decide to "make art" by racing motorcycles on the Bonneville Salt Flats. Also, militant protests in 1970s Italy.

2. Beatrice lives in a society in which almost everyone has been implanted with gimmicky microchips. Her least favorite is the one that makes rude people classy. She and her gang throw flaming dildos at these people, until Sam, the classiest guy in the world, introduces himself to her.

3. A scientist thinks comes up with a way to keep so many trees in the rainforests from being cut down to make all that toilet paper women use. He’s invented tiny flamethrowers that attach inside of toilet bowls and act as blow-dryers. And to make them even more eco-friendly, these in-bowl dryers are fueled entirely by the user’s own gaseous emissions! But he didn't count on the 7-Bean With Cabbage Diet that had just become the latest health-conscious rage. Whoa, talk about flamethrowers!

4. In this hard-hitting expose, journalist Nate Goddard dissects the lives of the basement-bound community of neckbeards called Internet Trolls.

5. The pope orders thousands of non-Catholics burned at the stake in 15th-century Europe. It just seems like the Christian thing to do.

6. Martin and Gus pack their favorite copy of “The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert,” their best frocks and depart for Sydney. Their agent said it would be a convention of hot, Australian men. Perfect for two middle-aged, burlesque actors from San Francisco. Turns out they're booked to perform for 2000 firemen. Too bad none of them is gay.


The Lowland

1. Inseparable brothers separate. One gets killed. The other marries his dead brother's pregnant wife. It's his good deed, and of course it doesn't go unpunished. Also, militant protests in 1960's India.

2. Seamus, a Highland farmer, can't keep up with Edinburgh's fast pace-- until he meets Celesta. This modern gal has everything going, but a love she treasures. Can they forge a technologically-savvy future together?

3. All Digit wanted was to get off the mountain. Sure, the living was easy--sleeping in trees, picking nits and killing an occasional rival was fun, but the lowland was where living began. He hated his life until Diane arrived from the valley. She was pale, weak, and couldn’t screech worth a damn, but he loved her. Now he needed to protect her from the poachers and move to the lowland before it was too late.

4. PJ McGillicutty is a lonely in Amazonica. Despite being the only male, the females will have nothing to do with him, until the volcano starts to groan to life. Can he convince the Shebeba that exercising his mojo will prevent catastrophe? And, more importantly...can it?

5. In post apocalyptic Netherlands a small band of teenagers eke out a living, defending their compound against werewolves mutated into zombies crossed with vampires. 

6. Lives and loves are torn apart by a teen seductress, her father, and a pit bull in a Nashville trailer park.


The Good Lord Bird

1. They call it that because when you see it you say, "Good Lord!" Also, militant protests in 1860s America.

2. Winney Elfsie captures a photo of what looks like Jesus Christ in the clouds. But what is he doing with his middle finger?

3. Sam thought a raised middle finger was a friendly greeting. When he waves it around Meeting his family is shunned. Can Sam overcome the ire of the LDS before his father loses his position as Stakeholder?

4. Graham takes in Great Aunt Sheila's pet honoring her last wish. Sheldon, the African grey parrot, has trouble adjusting to his new home in Graham's music studio. Also, turns out Great Aunt Shiela swore like a drunken trucker. Will Graham turn out the cursing wretch, or lose all his Kindermusik students?

5. A bird continuously flies into a window until it can no longer fly, somehow setting off a series of events including two suicides during a family road trip to California.

6. Randall Peltzer bought the Good Lord Bird in Chinatown. Back home, the bird molts, its cast-off feathers producing offspring which terrorize the town.



Answers below



Fake plots by Khazar-khum, kregger, Veronica Rundell, EE, James, CavalierdeNuit, Anon.



The correct plots are:

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Face-Lift 1163

Guess the Plot

Metamorphosis of the Meek

1. 16-year-old Rhynn awakens with super powers! Well, not that super. She's faster and more flexible than she used to be. Can she use her powers to buy her way off this miserable planet?

2. Shy, fat, nerdy Jeremy was always friendzoned by girls he liked. He was ready to crawl off and die--until a desperately hungry vampire bit him. Now he's read all those PUA books, he's got a fedora, and he's gonna take the bar scene chicks by storm.

3. Bob was looking forward to the day the meek inherited the Earth. But two days before Armageddon he gets elected US president thanks to write-in votes, becoming the most powerful man on Earth. Man, nothing's going right.

4. The Metamorphosis potion was supposed to give the spineless a complete makeover. Apparently it works in both directions, as Ed discovers when he turns into a jellyfish.

5.The Milquetoasts Anonymous meeting was late getting started, as no one present had the courage to call the meeting to order. Finally one brave soul stood up, took a deep breath, and said, Hi, I'm George and I'm a milquetoast . . . but I'm taking the last doughnut! Unless anyone else wants it."

6. Selica's boss constantly takes advantage of her. One day she decides she's had enough and kills the lecherous bastard. I hope that's where the book ends instead of with Selica getting in trouble, because the guy had it coming.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

On the planet of Xorra, sixteen-year-old Rhynn rots in prison. She is waiting to die. Rhynn’s always been a scrawny twit who lives in a crater and illegally sells shoddy antigravity boots to pay rent. [The only reason to live in a crater is to avoid paying rent.] [She's 16 years old and she's always lived in a crater selling antigravity boots?] And when the lethal dose of asteroid dust is shoved down her throat, Rhynn figures that’s all she’ll ever be. [I can't tell if the lethal dose is shoved down her throat in prison or before she was imprisoned. I assume rotting in prison comes after living in a crater, so perhaps they should be in that order in the query.]

Until something goes awry, and Rhynn jolts awake in the criminal’s graveyard- a swamp filled with carnivorous plants- to find she’s light as air and super flexible. And when she runs? She’s like a shooting star stuck on land. [She's a combination of the Flash and Mr. Fantastic and . . . I can't think of a superhero who's as light as air. Possibly because I can't think of how being light as air would be useful in the fight against crime. You could ride the wind like a leaf but if the wind shifts unexpectedly you could get blown into a raging forest fire. Maybe she should be lighter than air, allowing her to hover over criminals like the helium-filled Underdog balloon in the Macy's parade. Then when she wants to drop onto the criminal she punctures her foot with a pin and shoots downward.]

Rhynn manages to slip away, with an insane idea. [Sell asteroid dust as "the weight-loss drug that makes you light as air." A week later she's a millionaire.] A steely-furred beast has been roaming the planet, [How big is this planet?] ripping apart buildings and killing anyone who gets in its way. With her new powers, Rhynn decides she’s got a shot at slaying the monster, and nabbing the reward that comes with it. [I'm light as air and flexible; I should be able to take down a beast that can rip apart buildings.]

With the money, Rhynn could get off Xorra and travel the galaxy. She’ll feast on planetary delicacies. She’ll visit stars to take silly tourist photos, [Photo tip: when taking pictures on a star, use the .00000000000000000000000000001 shutter speed to minimize overexposure.] and do whatever she wants, whenever she wants.

She might be mauled to death. [There's always a catch.] If her true identity leaks, she will be hunted as a criminal. But it’s worth the risk, until the same powers that could save her make her a target. Turns out someone would kill to keep the beast running wild. And he wants her out of the way.

METAMORPHOSIS OF THE MEEK is a young adult superhero story set in space, complete at 65,000 words. I’m querying you because...Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

Most superheroes are in it to help humanity. Are we going to get behind a career criminal who accidentally acquires super powers and uses them to finance a vacation?

I would organize it something like this:

Sixteen-year-old Rhynn is having a bad week. First she was arrested for selling shoddy antigravity boots, then she was tossed into prison without a trial, and now a guard has shoved a lethal dose of asteroid dust down her throat.

By all rights she should be dead. Instead, she wakes up in the criminals' graveyard to find she’s light as air and super flexible. And when she runs? She’s like a shooting star stuck on land. This could be her ticket off of Xorra, especially if she can use her new powers to destroy the steely-haired beast that's been terrorizing the planet. The reward's enough to get her halfway across the galaxy.

But there's a catch. (Isn't there always?) Turns out someone wants to keep the beast running wild. And he wants Rhynn out of the way.


That leaves enough room for you to insert some information you think is vital, like why we should care whether Rhynn gets off Xorra.