Evil Editor's Blog, page 115

New Beginning 1021

August 1822

“Go away!” Kincaid shouted at Joe. There wasn’t a need to turn in the saddle and look back. He was there. The sounds of creaking leather and the clip of hooves said so. He had been there for half a day since he come trotting up with the pack mule in tow. Like he was ready to go anywhere and stay out as long as need be, the mule was loaded so.

“I said ‘Go away’,” the young man shouted again.

“Thought you said I free,” Joe replied. “Thought you said I ain’t a slave no longer. That Lerocque don’t own me, and you don’t own me.”

“I did!” Kincaid snapped.

“Then I free to ride where I want. Free to ride south like I doing. Maybe go to Santa Fe and spend some time.”

“I don’t need no mammy!” Kincaid raised his voice more. Can’t that darky see I don’t want to be around no one. That being alone and feeling the hurt was what a man needed at a time like this.

Kincaid spurred up, planning to outpace the slave, when suddenly two suspicious individuals breached the wooded trail, their faces blighted, skin hanging half off the taller one's scalp. Kincaid realized the fortuitousness of his unwelcome shadow.

With a brutal yank on the bit, Kincaid reared his horse clear around and dashed past Joe and his pack mule. Yes, when encountering the unholy zombie werewolves known to inhabit the region it was best to be accompanied on the trail by a slow man on a slow animal.

Hearing Joe's anguished cries echo through the forest Kincaid was troubled. Until he realized: Joe died a Freeman.


Opening: Wes Redfield.....Continuation: Veronica Rundell

Evil Editor Classics

Evil Editor's New Year's Resolution

Success Story

You may recall that the author of The Lair of the Twelve Princesses (Face-Lift 1153) sought our help in creating copy to accompany an e-pub version of her previously published tale. It's now up at Amazon.com. The author writes: I finally got this up. Thanks to everybody for your work on the description and contents!

Synopsis 39

Fourteen-year-old Cordenqua becomes an orphan when he accidentally kills his father during battle. [Suddenly the one flaw in the decision to battle at night becomes clear.] Consumed with grief and guilt, he declines the sacred ceremony of manhood, earning the condemnation of the villagers.



Shamed, hated, and alone, Cordenqua runs to Eloq’s Temple, aware the God will strike with lightning any but the Called who enter. Killer of Father, traitor of faith and tribesman, he leaps through the archway.



Nothing happens.

Certain he has been Called, Cordenqua intends to tell the Elkek, the village Holy Man, of his Calling. However, as he remembers the Elkek’s insistence that only a Holy Man can be Called, he decides to keep his Calling secret. [I note that the Elkek hasn't leapt through the archway.]

Though the tribesman hate Cordenqua, the Elkek shows compassion and adopts him as his son, filling the void that his father’s death left. Cordenqua becomes bonded to a new companion and adopted brother—the Elkek’s son Rhatanqua.

Cordenqua attempts to convince Rhatanqua he is Called by leaping into the temple unharmed. While trying to stop him, Rhatanqua trips through the archway. Eloq strikes with deadly lightning, killing Cordenqua’s adopted brother.

Cordenqua drags his lifeless companion’s body back to the village—the second death he has caused. Consumed with anger, the Elkek attempt [attempts] to kill him, and Cordenqua flees the village, having lost all those he’s ever loved.

Before he leaves, Cordenqua takes the Holy Writ, the sacred text of his religion and discovers a hidden prophecy that suggests that Cordenqua will save his people by destroying their false religion. Cordenqua refuses to accept the prophecy, choosing instead to believe that his Father’s spirit flies among eagles.

After finding shelter in a cave, he discovers a glowing box (computer monitor) that spies on both his tribe and the enemy’s. Seeing the glowing box, he recalls the words of the prophecy that foretells such an encounter, yet still he rejects its validity. [It was foretold that I would encounter an impossible glowing box that spies on my tribe, and so I have, but it could have been just a lucky guess.]

Upon the mountain’s top, overlooking the land below, he sees the enemy tribe preparing to attack his village. Though they hated him, he warns the villagers. He plunges into battle, hoping for death. [If you're really hoping for death, I recommend plunging into battle without your sword and shield.] Before the fight ends, the dead bodies of his enemies litter the ground and the village welcomes him back, naming him the village hero.

He finds the warmth of acceptance addicting and rejects his destiny, ignores the prophecy, and lives among his people. However, the Elkek maintains his hatred for Cordenqua, and his hatred intensifies when Cordenqua falls in love with his niece, Ariane. After a long battle with his hormones, he rejects her, hoping his abstinence will win back the love and acceptance of the Elkek. [If you want to win a guy's love and acceptance, rejecting his beloved niece is a good start.]

Ariane marries another, and Cordenqua chooses again to live in isolation, too heartbroken to be near her. In a fit of jealousy, her husband attempts to kill her, but Cordenqua kills him instead, leaving Ariane widowed with a child. [He's in isolation, too heartbroken to be near her, but he happens to be on the scene when her husband tries to kill her?] [Also, that kid appeared awfully fast. Maybe sticking "Nine months later" in there somewhere would help.]

Having saved the life of his niece, the Elkek finally forgives Cordenqua and consents to their marriage.  [This says that the Elkek saved his niece, which isn't what you mean. (Whether it also says that the Elkek is going to marry Cordenqua depends on the times they live in.) If you want to say this in one sentence: Having saved Ariane's life, Cordenqua is forgiven by the Elkek, who even helps plan the Cordenqua/Ariane wedding.]

Cordenqua speaks to Ariane of his secret doubts and she makes connections he had missed, proving the religion is fabricated [The line "Once we convince them to worship us, they'll do any ridiculous thing we want" was the giveaway.] and the rituals of their faith serve no other purpose than to keep them in perpetual war with their enemy. [It's perpetual only if no one ever wins. Is there some reason neither side can win the war?]

His father’s death was meaningless, as were the deaths of many others. [His father's death was meaningless whether the religion is legit or not, as it was an accident.]

Enraged, he runs to the temple, intending to kill the enemy that hides within its walls, but not before the village learns of his intentions. Half the villagers, led by the Elkek, hunt him, [This Elkek flip-flops more often than a politician.] while the other half attempt to save the village hero.

Before any can stop him, he leaps through the archway. When they see he’s unharmed, some hail him as a god, while others seethe with hatred. As he prepares to enter the temple’s doors, the neighboring tribe crest a hill adorned with battle armor. [I suppose we can infer it's not the hill that's adorned with battle armor, but if the neighboring tribe, adorned with battle armor, crest a nearby hill, you'll escape the grammar nitpickers.]

He fights desperately to protect his wife and adopted child, but an enemy breaks their line of defense and stabs her [the wife or the child?] in the back. [He's fighting desperately to protect his wife and child, yet the single enemy soldier who breaks the line of defense manages to get within stabbing distance?] Dying, she commands [Implores?] Cordenqua to take care of her child. He circumvents the deadly barriers to the temple and enters, convinced that their enemy has magical powers that can heal Ariane. When he enters, he finds dozens of corpses and a message on their computer monitors—Project Eloq—Training and Selecting the Nation’s Warriors. Program Terminated. [Is this a novel or a Twilight Zone episode? The Holy Writ is . . . a cookbook!!!] 

Ariane dies, [What?! You're killing off the only likable character? This is worse than the third Hunger Games book, though I'll probably still watch the movie just because I believe Jennifer Lawrence is my destined soulmate.] leaving him alone with his adopted child.


Notes

Did the tribes have any religion before Project Eloq began? If so, is the Holy Writ the sacred text of the tribe's original religion? If so, is there also a sacred text of the false religion? If not, why have the tribe chosen to follow the new religion?

So are the corpses the people who were monitoring the project? If so, were they killed by the God? If so, why did he wait so long to kill them, allowing all these meaningless deaths?

The techno-superior race secretly monitoring a more primitive civilization is the plot of a dozen Star Treks, but the training-of-warriors aspect may add a different twist. Which nation's warriors are being trained in this project? If it's the techno-superior nation's, I don't buy that they would need great warriors from tribal villages. Unless they're selecting gladiators to fight for their entertainment? Even if that's the plan, you haven't said that the best warriors are suddenly disappearing.

Q & A

This is me wondering how to respond 
to an email."This is me reading a query from a complete imbecile", reads the caption under one of the pictures in Hannah Roger's Photo gallery.

Interestingly she never gave her email address!! What sort of a person, who is looking for query from writer, would do that?

In the absence of her email I am writing here because you endorse her.


The link to Ms. Rogers's website in my sidebar is not an endorsement, but merely provides me with a quick way to check out her cute hairstyle.

However, I think I can safely say that if an agent makes it impossible to contact her, perhaps she's not the agent for you.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Giovanni and the Magi

1. Time traveler Giovanni intercepts the Magi outside of Bethlehem and replaces the frankincense with sensimilla, dooming Jesus to be forever pictured as a long-haired hippie.

2. While following yonder star, the three wise men find themselves in Rome. Lost and confused, they must depend on Giovanni, the senile mapmaker, to get them back on their path to destiny.

3. A letter to God? A joke, thinks post office paper pusher Giovanni Galli. But opening the envelope plunges him into the mystery of post office box 666.

4. At Christmas, Mandi and Daniel each make great sacrifices in hopes of providing the other with happiness. Will their sacrifices tragically render their gifts useless? Or will Giovanni the Robot MAGIcally save the day with his Deus ex Machina appearance?

5. The true story of what happened that fateful night when three rich, swarthy travelers asked for directions to the stable, but could not speak Italian.

6. Italian chemist Giovanni Brutto's latest elixir transports him back to the time of the Slaughter of the Innocents. Should he save his Savior? Or will that mean the end of Christianity?


Original Version

Dear Evil Sir,

Giovanni and The Magi is a 126,000 word manuscript about life, love, and a robot. Despite the bit about the robot, it still falls into the genre of general fiction. [On the other hand, because of the bit about the robot, it already sounds more interesting than most general fiction.]

Daniel West's life isn't perfect, but it is uncomplicated. He hates Los Angeles, and he hates the little research company he was given as a booby prize after he finally got kicked out of college for the last time. Still, life is simple, and at least LA is hundreds of miles from New York, [At least.] where his domineering father keeps an iron grip on the family business,West Corporation International. [Boring.] Business is in his blood, so Daniel settles down in LA and does the simple things he knows how to do to revitalize his little research company. He even meets a nice woman. [Yawn.]

Mandi has a few secrets, but all Daniel sees is a brilliant and beautiful woman who chose to be a partner in a home improvement business rather than hide in the ivory tower of academia. [Snore.] He thinks her obsession with robots [Robots!! Did you say robots? Suddenly I'm wide awake.] is just an adorable quirk, and that her fondness for whips and chains [Bingo! Isn't there some way to get the whips and chains up front?] is an exhilarating change of pace.

[Oh, Mandi . . .
Well you chained me and whipped me with feeling,
Till my buttocks were bleeding, oh Mandi . . . ]

She has a lot of strange friends, including the reclusive Giovanni who Daniel has never met. Daniel himself doesn't really have any friends, so he tries not to be judgmental.

Then one day Mandi witnesses a minor act of his father's brutality [Also involving whips and chains, but not handled with the same tenderness Mandi uses.] and Daniel is forced to begin dealing with what a complicated mess his life really is:

His family has a secret: Neither he nor his father has come to terms with his mother's suicide, and it seems neither can begin to find a resolution without the other. Unfortunately, both men struggle to protect their weaknesses and the fallout hurts everyone around them, especially each other. [They're 3000 miles apart.] [Daniel has no friends, so whom is the fallout hurting?] Arthur West, Daniel's father, takes drastic measures, including blackmail and kidnapping, [Who does he kidnap? Mandi? Does she get free when her laser-firing robot rescues her?] to protect Daniel from a woman he believes will leave his son with the same wounds he himself bears after his wife's suicide. [He thinks Mandi will commit suicide? Or he thinks she'll leave Daniel, and this would be just as painful as if she'd committed suicide?] [How can he have such strong opinions about Mandi when he lives in NY and she lives in CA?] Even while resisting his father's attempts to break them up, Daniel does a good job of screwing up his relationship with Mandi all on his own by sleeping with an ex-lover. [He moves to California where he has no friends, but ex-lovers he's got?] [Not so "ex," actually.] His simple life in pieces all around him, Daniel takes refuge in a bottle of codeine and a bottle of scotch and wakes up in the hospital where he is forced to realize he has to stop hiding from his own life.

As he begins to reconcile with Mandi and confront his father about the past, Daniel learns some astonishing secrets about his parents' relationship [They were Siamese twins who had a Vaudeville comedy act known as Pimp and Hooker.] and finds out that Mandi is a lot more than she appears to be, [Amazing what vertical stripes can do for your figure.] and that Giovanni is a very unique and useful kind of friend.

Reconciled, both Mandi and Daniel realize that their secrets keep them lonely, and come the Christmas season both make great sacrifices to free themselves from the past and bring happiness to each other. [Daniel sells his research company for the money to buy Mandi the part she needs to give her favorite robot human emotions, only to discover that Mandi sold her favorite robot to buy Daniel a gag plaque to hang on his office wall that reads, "Don't ask me; I only own the place."] Fortunately, Giovanni redeems their sacrifices with some literal Deus ex Machina. Daniel and his father begin the long process of coping with his mother's death, and in the end. . .well, it's complicated, but that's life.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I can be contacted via e-mail or phone [cut because the Evil Editor doesn't need to know my phone number], [Nobody needs or wants to know your phone number, except telemarketers.] and have included a SASE if you prefer to reply via post.

Sincerely,


Revised Version

Dear Evil Sir,

Daniel West hates Los Angeles, but at least it's thousands of miles from New York, where his domineering father keeps an iron grip on the family business. When he meets Mandi, a woman with mysterious secrets, all Daniel sees is a brilliant and beautiful woman--albeit one who's obsessed with robots, who's into whips and chains, and who has a lot of very strange friends.

Neither Daniel nor his father has come to terms with Daniel's mother's suicide. Daniel's father worries that Mandi will leave his son with the same wounds he himself bears after his wife's death. He takes drastic measures to drive a wedge between Daniel and Mandi, including blackmail and kidnapping.

His simple life in pieces, Daniel takes refuge in a bottle of codeine and a bottle of scotch and wakes up in the hospital, where he decides he must stop hiding from his own life. He reconciles with Mandi; together they realize that their secrets have kept them lonely. Come the Christmas season, both make great sacrifices to finally free themselves from the past and bring happiness to each other.

Giovanni and The Magi is a 126,000 word manuscript about life, love, and a robot. Thank you for giving it your consideration. I can be contacted via e-mail, and have included a SASE if you prefer to reply via post.

Sincerely,


Notes

It's not clear how big a role Giovanni plays in the book, but his role in the query was minimal, and I found it easier to eliminate him than to have him pop in at the end to solve a problem, when it isn't clear what the problem is to begin with. Whether you need Giovanni in the query I can't say, but if so, you haven't shown why. Presumably he's the robot? Perhaps you need to spell out why his intervention is needed at the end. It sounded like we were close to Happily Ever After without him.


Selected Comments

bonniers said...Without seeing the entire story it's hard to say, but you might want to reconsider the ending. That "Gift of the Magi" ripoff feels artificially grafted onto a rather interesting story of modern life and conflict. The story seems like it might want to end in either hard-earned satisfaction or violence and discord, but not delicate irony.

Just a thought, and possibly way off target.


Bernita said...Like Bonniers, didn't care for what looked like a Gift of the Magi rip-off.


Novelust said...You might reconsider the title. 'Life, Love, and a Robot' sounds awesome... granted, it doesn't seem quite like the book you're selling, unless Mandi turns out to be the robot - and is this set in a gritty, Bladerunner-type future? (Please?)


Catherine said...Dear Author, EE boiled your plot down into a logical sequence. Given that everyone here has a penchant for name changing, I'd like to recommend you name the book The Robot and The Magi, assuming Giovanni is the robot.

Also, this seems like more of a romance to me, and if the whips and chains are employed in a sex act this is Romantica. But what do I know.


JerseyGirl said...I liked EE's take on the query: interesting and to the point. And I agree with him that it doesn't seem as if Giovanni (whom I also took to be the robot) has much to do with the plot - although without reading the story, there's no way to know for sure.

I also agree that if Giovanni doesn't have that much to do with the plot, maybe you should rename your story. (It's tough to come up with a good one, isn't it? I know it's been for my current WIP, which I have a feeling I'll have to rename yet again. Sigh.)

Anyway, it does sound like an interesting story. Good luck with it.


Anonymous said...It sounds like an unsatisfying ending, O Henry homage or not. I suggest blowing up a helicopter.


Jean said...Thanks EE...I'll never think of "Mandi" the same...ever!

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Spirits of the Unknown

1. Ludlow hears voices in the surf. Wally thinks Ludlow ate too many pufferfish, but Ludlow is pretty sure the Spirits are speaking to him. Who are they, and what do they want? If only they spoke English! It all sounds like some kind of repetitive alien hissing/roaring noise.

2. When nature enthusiast Melvin Wilcox inherits his father’s vineyard, he decides the produce will be used for a new eco-friendly wine beverage. Unfortunately the concoction has a slow-acting but devastating side effect: it wipes out the drinker’s long-term memory. Can Melvin remedy the formula before he forgets he owns a vineyard?

3. Balah is a psychic, able to peer into the world beyond the Veil. When strange, amorphous blobs called Riphons begin to call to her, she wonders: is she losing her mind, or reaching the lost souls of another world?

4. When hopeless alcoholic Johnny Beam drunkenly swore to sell his soul for a whiskey, he had no idea his offer would be accepted. Now he’s doomed to a fiery – and thirsty – afterlife, unless he can win an unholy contest of the palate, by correctly identifying the . . . Spirits of the Unknown.

5. Ghosts haunt a spaceship on its way to planet Earth. This has nothing to do with the plot, but everything to do with the title. The plot is set in another solar system, where a brutal civil war has devastated a planet and everyone is a suspect.

6. Sparkle Starshine's investigation shows the house is full of haunting spirits, but spirits of what??? Tiny feet seem to run up and down the walls and in the ceiling. By night they make crunchy chewing noises, gnaw holes in the upholstery, and leave toothmarks on the furniture. Could they be the spirits of wererodents? Is it time to call upon the Ghost Cat?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Tilvanau has survived a murder plot which has claimed the lives of every member in his family. [Not quite. The plot didn't claim Tilvanau's life.] He doesn't know who to trust and grief may be clouding his judgment.

In an attempt to escape, his brother has [Apparently the plot didn't claim Tilvanau's brother's life either.] taken his family, [Didn't claim the lives of Tilvanau's nieces, nephews, or sister-in-law. We're running out of family members to assume were killed. Who, if anyone, is dead?] setting a course for earth [If we're not on Earth, I wanna know that up front. A conversation like:

"There's a murderer on the loose! We gotta get outta here!"

"But where will we go?"

"How about Earth?"

. . . is a bit jarring if you weren't aware that the speakers were on the Gohr prison planet, Lycus IV.] with the murderer hidden inside the ship. The ghosts of his family now haunt the ship [The ghosts of the brother's family? Were they ghosts when they boarded the ship or did the murderer kill them on board?] trying to disclose the killer to earthlings that don't understand their language and Tilvanau who doesn't believe in ghosts. [Are these earthlings on the ship or has the ship already reached Earth?] [Is/was Tilvanau on the ship?]

Meanwhile Tilvanau must face a brutal civil war which devastates his planet, [Where the hell is Tilvanau?! If he's still on his planet, facing a brutal civil war, how are the ghosts on the ship trying to reveal the murderer's identity to him?] and although the woman he loves can help him, she is found to have the greatest motive and opportunity. [I assumed Tilvanau's wife was among the family members who were murdered. So who's this woman he loves?] [Also, motive and opportunity to do what?]

Tilvanau finds himself fighting a war he can't seem to win. [You're talking about the brutal civil war? A guy fighting in a brutal war doesn't think thoughts like, I can't seem to win this war. He thinks thoughts like I hope I don't die today.] He must find the murderer before the murderer finds him. [The murderer was hiding on the ship that Tilvanau's brother took to Earth (see paragraph 2). So how can Tilvanau find the murderer or vice versa?] Everyone is a suspect having motive and opportunity, [Everyone? How can everyone have the opportunity to do whatever you're talking about? Everyone had a motive to kill Hitler, but the number who had the opportunity was billions smaller.] but they all fear he [Who is "they" and who is "he?"] has betrayed them by killing his own family to gain control over the planet. [How would killing his family give anyone control over a planet?]

SPIRITS OF THE UNKNOWN is a science fiction complete at 95,250 words

Thank you for your time.


Notes

Scrap the whole thing. Start by telling us who Tilvanau is. Like, is he the leader of the biggest country on the prison planet, Lycus IV? Then tell us what he wants, who's standing in his way, and what Tilvanau plans to do about it.

If you can't organize your information and express it clearly in the query, the reader will assume your book is also a mess. Let's hope it isn't.

If the spirits in the title are the ghosts of Tilvanau's or his brother's family, why are they "spirits of the unknown"? Aren't they spirits of the known?

Let's assume the motive/opportunity phrase applies to the murder of Tilvanau's family. If the woman Tilvanau loves was found (by whomever) to have the greatest motive and opportunity, why does everyone think Tilvanau did it?


Selected Comments

alaskaravenclaw said...Writer, as you've set the story up right now, it's a murder mystery, set (I think?) on a spaceship.

If that's not the plot, if something more science fiction-y is the plot (classically: How would we react to situation X, created by some scientific cause or other? How would it change us, society, or whatever?) then you need to focus your query on that.


arhooley said...When you start over, mind your grammar. "He doesn't know who to trust" should be "He doesn't know whoM to trust."


Anonymous said...Uh, I don't think so. No, it is you whom is wrong...


arhooley said...Anonymous, is it the capital M you object to? It's merely there for emphasis. Behold these constructions:

Trust her
Trust him
Trust them
Trust whom

and above all

Trust me


Evil Editor said...You left out

he trusts
she trusts
they trust
who trusts

I recommend: He trusts no one.


Chicory said...EE was right that the rumors of the family's death have been greatly exaggerated if the hero, his brother, and his brother's family all survived. Specific details would help this query a lot.


Dave F. said...Is this like "Pandorum" where nothing was real and nobody was sane but they all were food?
Or is it like "Sphere" where everything imaginable happened?
Or is it like "Solaris" filled with rhetorical and metaphysical musings broken only by boredom and George Clooney's buttocks?
Or is this "The Lathe of Heaven" where everything is George Orr's dreamstate?

There is a rich tradition of completely incomprehensible sci-fi stories set on spaceships or with powerful devices. So I'm not criticizing the plot. I'm trying to figure out which twist is involved in who is real and unreal.


BuffySquirrel said...This is like those stories I get in slush from time to time, where first you think there's one character, then you realise there's two, then suddenly there are three or more, all previously unsuspected.

Who is the protagonist, what is their goal, what's at stake, what's preventing them achieving their goal, what will be the consequences, etc.

Members of Tilvanau's family have been murdered, and he and everyone else is a suspect. Tilvanau must find the murderer before he/the woman he loves/everyone on the planet is imprisoned for it. Meanwhile, the murderer is hiding on board a spaceship carrying the surviving members of Tilvanau's family to Earth. And so on.


Phoenix said...Since most authorities agree "who" can be substituted for "whom" when used as a direct object in informal writing, the REAL question is not whether "whom" is technically correct here (it is, but who really uses that construction except uptight editors with control issues*), but whether a query letter is considered to be formal or informal.

I say it's informal. Who's with me??

Author, if, as I suspect, T is a member of the planet's ruling family, be sure to let the reader know that upfront. Otherwise, T comes across as a common foot soldier who really can't influence much of anything by himself, least of all the war.

The ghosts on the ship and that mystery seem to be more of a hook than another planet embroiled in civil war. Maybe you can focus your query on that aspect?


arhooley said...Improper grammar snags my eyeballs. I see no reason to use it when it's avoidable. I let it slide in conversation, but a writer presenting a polished letter about his or her wonderful writing should use "whom" properly.


Anonymous said...As it is we have the impression you couldn't decide whether to do a murder mystery, a techno-thriller, or a sci-fi fantasy one-man's-quest-to-save-the-world-with-a-token epic. So you wrapped them all into a single thrill packed book and this multitude of plots is now clashing like a train wreck in your query.


Marissa Doyle said...I'm with arhooley--a query letter is a business letter and not informal. The problem with using informal grammar is that the agent doesn't know if you're being informal, or don't know any better. I'd err on the side of correctness...or take EE's suggestion and bypass the issue with a different construction.


Someone whom is not normally anonymous said...
I don't know whom wrote this query, but it is the single most confusing query I've ever read.

My suggestion is to start off with "When a murderer claims the life of _____'s _______ (specific family members ie wife and kids...or parents...or whatever) aboard a starship _____ (if that's where the murders took place).....

and then rewrite from there.


Jayne said...WTF just happened? Or is happening? Or will happen? And to whom?
This may be one for the worst-dressed list.

("guessess"... no shite!?)


Faceless Minion said...As long as we're quibbling 'is a science fiction'?
It might just be me but that sounds off.

Try:
is a science fiction novel
is a science fiction story
is a work of science fiction
is science fiction


batgirl said...Like everyone else, I don't know what happens in this query. Author, want to give it another shot, with specifics?

Orlando said...Thank you everyone for your comments. I see how in my efforts to keep the query within 250 words I left out too much information.
I will send in a revision and I can't wait to see your comments. I hope "who/whom" is the only issue with grammar. I didn't see anything other suggestions on the subject of grammar and I will admit I had to take 6 books from the library to teach myself grammar again when I started editing the novel. I hope it has helped.

Either way I appreciate greatly all your inputs and will take a seriously good look at all of them.
Thank you all.

Face-Lift 1177

Guess the Plot

Eloq's Lightning

1. They say anyone who dares enter Eloq's Temple will be struck by lightning. Which explains the low turnout on the sabbath. But one grief-stricken boy decides to end his life by entering the temple, and . . . nothing happens.

2. Kelsey, third-year student at Rugglesbottom Witch School, is fed up. The other girls are snotty, the boys are jerks, and Master Snoftrun just gave her alchemy final a C. When she finds a strange wand in the library, she fools with it until she knows what it does. Fourth year is going to be much, much better.

3. Thor's dorky younger brother Eloq wishes he was as cool as the god of thunder, but all he can manage are a few sparks and a gurgle. Until he finds the incriminating shots of Zeus, that is, who grants him the power to control solar flares. Take that, Thor! But can the god of geeks outrun a gang of fried gods, furious at the blackened remains of their pantheon?

4. There is a reason not to feed beans to Eloqs after midnight. Eloqs are bald, fat, and flatulent, and cowards to boot. Blue fire spews forth from them like stink from a skunk. Only history will show how a small band of humans saved Endor with the help of "Eloq's Lightning".

5. It's 10000 BC and humanity has crawled from the primordial soup. Eloq's band of Neanderthals is doomed unless they can figure out how to stay warm in the frozen wasteland. Hey! What's that sky fire all about?

6. Stocky quarter horse Eloq's Lightning looks nothing like his race-winning parents. The hard-luck colt spends his first three years battling illness and his handlers. Now a three-year-old gelding, will he finally prove to be a real runner--or just another failure on the way to the slaughterhouse?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Fourteen-year-old Cordenqua becomes an orphan when he accidentally kills his father during battle. [Oops. Sorry, I thought you were an orc.] Consumed with grief and guilt, he declines the tribal ceremony of manhood, earning the condemnation of the villagers. [We give you the honor of going into battle against our enemy to save our village from destruction and to save us from slaughter, and all we ask in return is that you participate in a meaningless ceremony. And you decline? Never show your face here again!]

Shamed, hated, and alone, Cordenqua runs to Eloq’s Temple, aware the God will strike with lightning any who enter. Killer of Father, traitor of faith and tribesman, he leaps through the archway.

Nothing happens. [Out of curiosity, have all others who've entered been struck with lightning, or has no one else ever entered? If the latter, have they tried sending in a goat? Or sentencing a criminal to enter the temple?]

Uncertain why Eloq spared him, he searches the Holy Writ and finds a hidden prophecy buried within its text, foretelling [of] one who will save his people by overthrowing their false religion. [Is this "Holy Writ" their Bible? Because it would be odd to discover a passage, even in one of the more obscure books of the Christian Bible, declaring that Christianity is a lot of hooey.] [Possibly there was one, and back when they were deciding which books to include in the Bible they came upon it and said, "Whoa. This has gotta go. This could put us out of work and we'd have to give up our cushy digs and toil in the sludge business."]

Cordenqua is terrified of losing his own faith, but unable to suppress his curiosity. He unravels [investigates?] the [tribal] traditions and discovers that an unseen enemy with mystic powers [AKA God] created their religion to compel them to war against their neighboring tribe. Cordenqua must either fight his own people and religion and save those who hate him, [Not clear to me what "fighting his own people and religion" entails. When a hated fourteen-year-old kid declares himself the prophet destined to overthrow his haters' religion, his haters might be inclined to provide him a different destiny.] or submit to tradition while those he loves die in meaningless battles. ["Those he loves" meaning those who hate him, right?]

ELOQ’S LIGHTNING, complete at 50,000 words, is a YA novel that blends science fiction and fantasy. Set in a culture similar to tribal Native America, it incorporates a fantasy-like setting with plot twists reminiscent of The Maze Runner and I have queried you specifically because you represented this book.

Below I have included a synopsis. Thank you for your consideration.


Notes

Not bad, though one or more of the issues I've brought up may be worthy of consideration in the query.

Creating a religion that requires a tribe to war with another tribe is a good strategy if you're in a third tribe. But I don't see why you need to have mystic powers to do this. If you have mystic powers you can either convince the tribes you're a god and order them to war, or use your powers to wipe them out yourself. Creating a whole religion seems like a lot of trouble if you want people to wipe each other out rather than worship you.

You might want to make Corky older than 14. He'll be more useful in battle when he's bigger and stronger and smart enough to tell the difference between his enemy and his own father. Plus YA readers prefer to read about kids older than themselves.

Also, consider changing his name to Corky.

Night Before Christmas Quiz

There are dozens of books with The Night Before Christmas in their titles. For instance, you can fill in the blank in The _______ Night Before Christmas with any of the following words, and that's an actual book:

Nurse's, Firefighter's, Soldier's, Cat's, Dog's, Principal's, Texas...

Below I've listed 34 ways the blank could be filled in. Seventeen are actual books according to Barnes & Noble's web site. The other seventeen could exist, but as far as I know they're fakes submitted by the Evil Minions.


Assassin's
Bartender's
Cajun
Cheesehead
Cincinnati
Cop's
Cowgirl's
Dinosaur's
Dragon's
Drunk Driver's
ER Surgeon's
Golfer's
Gravedigger's
Hairdresser's
Heartbroken Hooker's
Jihadist's
Librarian's
Meth head's
Naughty Nanny's
Pirate's
Racecar Driver's
Red Hat Society
Redneck
Reindeer’s
Scratch and Sniff
Serial Killer's
Sleepwalker's
Sober Socialite's
Trucker's
Vampire's
Wicked
Wise Men’s
Witch's
Zombie



Answers below.



The fakes were submitted by Jo Antereau, Khazar-khum, Mister Furkles, and Veronica Rundell.



The actual book titles are:


Cajun
Cheesehead
Cincinnati
Cop's
Cowgirl's
Dinosaur's
Golfer's
Hairdresser's
Librarian's
Pirate's
Racecar Driver's
Red Hat Society
Redneck
Scratch and Sniff
Trucker's
Wicked
Zombie

Night Before Christmas Quiz Prep

There are dozens of books with The Night Before Christmas in their titles. For instance, you can fill in the blank in The _______ Night Before Christmas with any of the following words, and that's an actual book:

Nurse's, Firefighter's, Soldier's, Cat's, Dog's, Principal's, Texas...

Those are some of the mundane one's. I've collected some wilder ones, and now I need you to suggest some fake ones so we can have a Guess Which Titles Are Real Quiz. Submit as comments.