Evil Editor's Blog, page 121

Feedback Request

Note to EE:

This query reflects changes made after my initial query was posted (Face-Lift 963) two years ago. Why has it taken two years? Aside from recovery time necessitated by the hernia I got when laughing at your hilarious comments, I’ve also spent the past two years caring for my father, whom I’ve finally convinced to employ three professional care-givers instead. Now I’m free to write again.

So, here you go—you and my fellow minions can have at it!



Dear Mr. Gerecke:

I am seeking representation for "Death in Living Color,” an 83,000-word mystery in which a decorated WWII veteran, who only wants to forget the war and straighten out his life, becomes entangled with gangsters and implicated in murder.

In 1950, badly scarred WWII veteran J.C. Dix moves to Scottsdale, Arizona to practice law—only to discover the dusty desert town needs another lawyer like it needs central heating. When community leader Thelma Fogue walks into Dix’s law office, things seem to be looking up. But Fogue doesn’t seek legal help. She hires him to recover a pornographic film of her younger sister.

The girl didn’t just fall prey to a couple of perverts, however. The film was made by hardened gangsters, as part of a scheme using a brand new color process to provide cheap professional-grade color porn movies for L.A. mob backers—and they’re not about to part with it. But when a farm girl commits suicide, because they used her in a movie, her brother steals the films. The gangsters track him down, torturing him to get the films back, killing him when they realize he no longer has them.

Encountering the carnage only hours after it took place, Dix is overwhelmed by guilt; he’d swiped the films from the boy’s hiding place, the day before. But his guilt is quickly replaced by other concerns. He’s spotted at the farm, and becomes the prime suspect. When another client’s fiancé is killed in a similar manner, Dix’s proximity to the crime has him scrambling to avoid arrest. Meanwhile, the killers discover he’s got their films; Dix has to use his brains and all his combat skills to survive the ensuing gun battle and clear his name.

I am a combat veteran (ex-Special Forces Engineer Sergeant—i.e.: Green Beret Explosives Expert), hold a BA in Journalism/Mass Communications from the Walter Cronkite School of Journalism, and have sold short fiction to Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine (Janet Hutchings, editor of EQMM, called my short story "Dancing in Mozambique" (July, 2010) “one of the best mysteries of the year…”) I also blog with several other successful writers at: http://www.sleuthsayers.org

A synopsis and the first 50 pages of the manuscript are attached to this email.

Sincerely,

Strip 2.13

Click strip to enlarge.

Face-Lift 1161

Guess the Plot

Avalyn

1. Move over, Avalon! Avalyn is here! Now with 10% more mist!

2. Mimi's friends flaked on her, and now she can't get into her favorite nightclub Avalon. She wanders down the street and is welcomed into Avalyn, an "alternative" club. She never knew writhing in chains and leather could be this exciting.

3. For a thousand years the city-state of Avalyn has been a shining beacon of learning, science, music and art in a barren, barbarian world. Now, because some cute teenager claims she's really the secret Fae heir of the place, our "heroes" are going to burn it to the ground.

4. Avalyn was surprised when a knight in shining armor appeared on her doorstep. Two days later there was another. After the tenth bled out on the porch, Avalyn became annoyed. "No you can't live here," she told them as she kicked the tenth to the curb. When Merlin showed up, Avalyn knew she'd have to get Arthur to fix his FB page or Morgause would show up next. And Avalyn hated that bitch!

5. Avalyn is tired of the life of a 13th-century serving girl. She aspires to be more, and once she's been subjected to a 5-year program of secret ritual sacrifice, she will be more! According to the teachings of her Pagan faith, she'll soon be endowed with magnificent powers! Let's see who messes with her then.

6. In an alternate history, Arthur fails to pull Excalibur from the stone in Avalyn and goes on to become a lowly squire to Lancelot. Does he have the strength and fortitude to work his way up to knighthood and later to become king? If he didn't, would this book be worth reading?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I believe that my 86,000 word historical fantasy, Avalyn, is the type novel you are looking to represent. The story of Avalyn is set in 13th c. England. [Did her parents name her after Avalon, or were you just looking for something similar to Evelyn? Careful, you don't want anyone to think this is a sequel to Aragon.] [After The Wizard of Oz came out, thousands of parents were naming their children Ez and Iz. But who am I to talk? Evil Jr's and Evilette's real names are Mordyr and Hobbityn.]

Dylan has been in love with Avalyn from the moment he moved to town. The orphaned ward of the church, [Is that Avalyn or Dylan?] used to his methodical, cloistered existence, finds the young serving girl’s free spirit enlivening. [As Dylan can be masculine or feminine, and Avalyn sounds like a place, it's not easy to tell which is the ward and which the serving girl.] Teague [Who's Teague?] has hated Dylan since the day they met. He can’t see why Avalyn would waste any time befriending that bastard. [Teague sounds like a meany; Avalyn should choose Dylan.] He hopes to prove himself in order to gain her affection.

Avalyn ignores the silent battle [rivalry?] between the two young men. She spends her days lost in mundane routine, cooking and cleaning the inn where she is housed, and occasionally entertaining at the manor of the local lord. She finds escape in forest any chance she gets. [If the forest has a name, use it; otherwise, say "the" forest.] There she can dally in faerie daydreams, sing as she pleases, and be subjected to secret ritual sacrifice. [That comes out of nowhere. For starters, "be subjected to" suggests it's against her will, which isn't the case, or it wouldn't belong on this list. Even the less suggestive "participate in" isn't much better, as the term "secret ritual sacrifice" is loaded with negative connotations. It's like if I told you that when I need a lift I frolic in a meadow, dance a jig, and torture a homeless guy. You'll think bad of me, never considering that torturing a homeless guy might actually be a good thing.]

The thought of Celtic sacrifice frightened her as a child, [Celtic sacrifice: trading Pierce and Garnett to the New Jersey Nets.] but as she grew older her father showed her that sacrifice does not mean death. It is the surrender of senses. With each sacrifice she loses one of her senses, but in time [a few days? a few years?] it returns with ferocity. Her father promises that when the sacrifices come full circle, she will be endowed with a power that rivals that of the Faeries of the Celtic Otherworld.

The sacrifices also awaken bodily desires, and she finds herself falling in love with one of the young men. [Which one? Why use five words and be general when you can use one and be specific?] Their love is short lived. One evening, after being stripped of her sense of touch, she causes a fire that claims the life of her father and the man she has fallen in love with. [Eight words where one name would do. I guess I should be happy you told us their names to begin with, rather than calling them the male protagonist Avalyn will accidentally burn to death and the male protagonist Avalyn won't accidentally burn to death.] [Even without the sense of touch, I can usually tell when I've set a house on fire.] Guilt-ridden and alone, [Alone? What about the male protagonist she didn't accidentally burn to death?] Avalyn realizes the real sacrifices that her pagan faith has taken [begotten?]. Will she trudge forth through life and abandon her faith of [in] the ancient ways? [I'd dump that question.] Or can glimpses from the Celtic Otherworld sway her to resume her true calling?

If you are interested, I will gladly send you my completed manuscript.

Thank you for your time,


Notes

Perhaps for purposes of the query, if not the book, you need a gentler name for the process of becoming a supergoddess. "The Renewal" sounds good. Secret ritual sacrifice sounds like killing virgins or babies or baby virgin goats.

This could stand to be shorter, and I see no need for both suitors to be in the query. In fact, neither of them plays any role after you introduce them. The super senses aspect is what makes this different, so maybe focus on why she and/or her father wants her to develop powers. What will she do when she becomes Wonder Woman? Is someone trying to stop her?

Can anyone become Wonder Woman by temporarily sacrificing senses? If not, why Avalyn? If so, is the forest crawling with aspiring superheroes?

Sometime last night the number of visits to this blog hit 2,222,222. I can guarantee we won't be here to see 3,333,333, so get those queries and openings in while there's still time.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Mental Pause

1. When "Shrink-to-the-Stars" David Cohen's yacht Mental Pause is found aflame with the good doctor and three starlets dead in the galley, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: whatever Cohen was cooking up, it wasn't kosher; and Zack's wife will now insist he take her on that Caribbean cruise.

2. Susan has always been a daydreamer. One day, when off in her own world, she is startled by the realization that reality has been paused. Can she use her time-stopping powers to save the twin sister she never knew she had?

3. Hillbilly boy genius Buddy Boone tests his newly invented human catapult joyride and crash lands near a cave inhabited by old old old people who seem to be comatose -- it's the Van Winkle syndrome!!! Nothing he does wakes them, and soon he, too, is feeling very very sleepy...

4. Jared has the unique ability to kick his mind into overdrive, making the world seem to move in slow motion. Now a freshman in high-school, he decides to conquer first the sports-world, then academics, all while juggling a few girlfriends. What could possibly go wrong?

5. When Sissy's rich husband dumps her for a young babe, she's forced to pause and take stock of her life. She takes a job cleaning up blood and entrails from crime scenes. Now if she could just solve a murder, maybe that handsome cop would finally notice her.

6. Alison's new years resolution in 2024 is to watch less Tube. Not easy when Clik-It hits the surgery shelves and all her friends get implanted. Out of fashion and out of touch, Alison wonders why everyone is wearing a suit and telling the same lame jokes. The comedy turns to horror when she realizes they're all channeling late night talk show host SamG TanG! Can she turn these zombies off?



Original Version

Your Evilness,

Growing old is not for sissies, as Cecelia “Sissy” Cavanaugh is about to find out. When her husband steals her designer luggage and runs off with a younger woman who has a tight tush and perky tatas, [If the guy cared about a tight tush and titillating tatas (note added alliteration), he would have simply suggested Sissy get liposuction and a tata job. Obviously it was the designer luggage he was after.] Sissy Cavanaugh’s posh road to happiness veers off course. [Roads don't veer off course. Cars do. Roads stay put. If you need a metaphor for life, you could say her Cadillac of contentment veers off course. Or her Lexus of love. Or her Mercedes of marital mirth. Any luxury car will do as long as it's alliterative. I recommend just saying her life veers off course.] She must decide whether to ask her manipulative mother-in-law for a handout or get a job. Sissy chooses the path of least resistance—a job. A job that includes cleaning crime scenes. Only she doesn’t know that part. Yet. [You don't need those last two sentences, as you never show any significance to her not knowing . . . yet.]

Instead of enjoying manicures and sipping margaritas, she’s mopping floors, scrubbing toilets and trying to balance an empty checkbook. Fearing that her country club membership will be revoked, Sissy begins to build a life that doesn’t include tee times and garden parties. [Those last two sentences say pretty much the same thing. Combine them into something that transitions into the following sentence. For instance, Having traded manicures for a mop, massages for Mr. Clean (note alliteration), Sissy rises to the top of Millie Maid, Inc., then buys out the owner.] As her career takes off, [Careers mopping floors and scrubbing toilets seldom take off. Explain.] so does her personal life. She finds herself caught between three men: her cheating husband, a wealthy widower ready for love, and a handsome cop who gives new meaning to the words hot flash. [Don't insult her intelligence by implying that she's actually considering taking back that miserable cheating slimebucket.] [Marry the rich guy, have a life-long affair with the hunk, frame the ex for a murder, and live happily ever after.]

After investigators name a close family friend as a murder suspect, Sissy is assigned to clean the crime scene. ["Listen, Sissy, you've been doing such a good job scrubbing toilets, I've decided to see how you do as crime scene technician. Your first gig is a homicide at 56 Elm Street. Apparently the guy was cut in half with a chain saw. Blood and entrails everywhere. And when he died his bowels purged themselves. Add to that the fact that the body wasn't discovered for over a week. Oh, and when the cops entered the crime scene it was so gross they all puked. They'd just come from an all-you-can-eat burrito buffet at MexiSlop. The carpet is white shag, so better bring some bleach."] When her daughter finds out, she urges Sissy to embark on a mission to find evidence and steer the investigation in another direction. Sissy finds a clue in the most unlikely place—her own home. [It's her daughter's diary, in which she confesses to being the murderer. Although that doesn't necessarily prove anything; I understand back in '63 dozens of teen girls confessed in their diaries to having committed the Kennedy assassination just to find out if their mothers were reading their diaries. Actually that would be a good conflict for this book. The mother reads the diary, discovers her daughter is the murderer. Should she let the close family friend be executed in order to avoid the loss of trust that would come with revealing she read her daughter's diary?] [And yes, you may use this idea in your book.] Armed with this new information [What new information? Oh, right, the diary.] she sets out to solve the case and comes face-to-to-face with the murderer. [Her ex-husband. Now she wants him back even more, so she can sell her story to the tabloids after he gets the needle.]

Complete at 77,000 words, Mental Pause is women’s fiction. A formerly pampered woman discovers inner strength and self-reliance while learning that crime—someone else’s— does indeed pay. [I would replace the first sentence of the query with that sentence.]

Thank you for taking the time to consider my submission,

Signed,


Notes

What's the clue she finds in her house? If you're keeping it secret because you don't want to give away who done it, note that I had no trouble guessing that anyway.

Her mission was to find evidence that would steer the investigation in another direction. Why doesn't she give the evidence to the cops instead of setting out to solve the case herself?

If you've been living the very good life, you ought to have enough assets available that you can hold out for a better job than toilet scrubber. She could probably get enough for her car and her jewelry to hire a ruthless divorce lawyer who'd see that she got the house and a healthy alimony settlement, not to mention child support.

Does solving the murder improve Sissy's financial situation or her life? Instead of telling us she's torn among three guys, did you consider focusing the query on the hunky cop as she helps him solve the case and he falls for her brilliant mind and they live happily ever after?

That all said, this has a certain appeal if you can make Sissy's rise from the ashes sound believable. Right now it sounds like she goes from inexperienced maid to CEO of a Fortune 500 company in about two weeks.


Selected Comments

arhooley said...I hate the title. And I agree with everything EE said.


Ellie said...How much research have you done into crime scene cleanup crews? Admittedly, my own knowledge only comes from one acquaintance who did that for a living, but I don't think there's a lot of crossover between ordinary maid services and crime scene cleanup. There are bodily fluids, you have to have special suits and materials...his company specialized in hazardous cleanups (e.g. meth labs), not toilet scrubbing.

It doesn't sound like women's fiction. It sounds like a cozy mystery, albeit with a biohazard twist. And if she finds evidence, why doesn't she just go right to the police?

Blake Snyder used the term "laying pipe" to describe all the setup needed before the real story gets underway. The way this is presented, there's a LOT of pipe laying. Her husband leaves, she gets a job, she gets better at her job, she gets a crime-scene job ... and THEN we get the mystery and the amateur sleuthing and the three hunky dudes and whatnot. That makes me nervous about the book's pacing.


Dave F. said...And if she finds evidence, why doesn't she just go right to the police?
I respectfully add that when confronted with this question in an interview, Alfred Hitchcock answered - then I would have no movie.

I might start with" "Divorced and down on her luck, Sissy discovers a clue to the murder of some high muckity muck in her own home and the suspects now include her ex-husband, her current lover and her estranged Mom with the cat problem."

That's a murder mystery not a romance.

If this is a romance then maybe begin: "Cleaning houses and crime scenes isn't glamorous but it pays the bills. When Sissy, the gay divorcee, meets the cop of her dreams at a crime scene, she's determined to turn her life of cleaning into being the wife of blue clad hunk by solving the murder."

or maybe: "Sissy never thought she would fall in love while cleaning a crime scene until she meets the man of her dreams. Can love bloom over cleanser and mops? Or will the killer and her lover leave her all hot and lathered?"


vkw said...I agree with EE and despite the fact there are problems with the query and perhaps the plot (the number one being that this is 2010 and the first wives walk away with most of everything these days, even with a prenup) not the ex's nor the second wives who usually get nothing, it was interesting, I liked your voice.

And, let me quite honest here, I find evidence, a shred, a tiny shred and molecule of evidence that my cheating ex may be involved with the tiniest amount of crime: I'm in hunky cop's office, spilling my guts and I think most women would. Maybe its the mother-in-law.

So don't go in that direction.


M. G. E. said...The plot has major credibility problems.

Hard to believe any older divorcee wouldn't get 50% assets, prenup or not.

Her decision to go with cleaning is strange. First it's a younger-woman's game, and she doesn't have any friends from high society who can have her run some sweetheart job?

Next, the idea that anyone in the cleaning crew is going to even recognize evidence that professional crime solvers missed is a bit unlikely. Even for fiction. But since you pose it as someone in her family, I can see her recognizing her husband's favorite coin on the ground or something like that.

Lastly, why women's fiction? This is being presented as something of a mystery, or crime drama. Is romance such a focus that you don't think men would enjoy the read? Have you left that romance focus of the novel out of the query?


Gwen Ever said...I'm finding it hard to connect Your title with this story. Then I read that a rich woman loses her husband and now has to scrub toilets for a living while maintaining a country club membership? It is my observation that most, if not all, of the people cleaning toilets for a living would not have a country club membership. Why is the mother manipulative? Did she cut her off of the family money? Is that why she can’t find any other job except for maid service?

So, she does such a great toilet cleaning that she gets promoted to crime scene cleanup? Overnight? Because a close family friend is being looked at by the police so they decide that an acquaintance of the suspect in question should clean the murder scene?

Would it not make more sense that, if this woman was rich, to have some college before her breakup, enough to land a job in forensics with a few supplemental classes? She would still have to excuse herself because the suspect is a close family friend. Ellie is correct in observing that human fluids, body parts, and other remains have special procedures in their containment and disposal.

Maybe Sissy could become a blood splatter technician (not exactly a romantic profession), like the Dexter character on Showtime (without her killing people, of course) and then the romance could happen? Also, I like the suggestions Dave F. had to turn this more to romance than a gross crime scene murder.


Dave F. said...I first heard the phrase "women's fiction" or "women's literature" back in the dark ages when women burnt bras to illustrate legalities and discrimination. It seemed like a silly political category since it described lesbian literature. I feel the same way about the "chick flicks" description of movies. It's like lumping video games into Pacman and Duke Nukem categories.

I don't know what this novel is about. However, if it is a detective story then call it that. If it is a romance, call it that.

I just read Peterson's "Married With Zombies" with is both a romance and zombies novel and lots of fun. I've also read Harris' "Dark and Disorderly" which is paranormal ghosts with a delicious side of romance. A few months ago, EE's book club had Dain's "The Courtesan's Secret" which is all romance and I enjoyed that as a diversion from my usual reading.

I consider dividing fiction into men and women types ridiculous. That's not a criticism of the author here. My point is basically that the categories are romance, sci-fi zombie and detective or police procedural, and paranormal. Those descriptors all have meaning. "Women's lit" sounds like something left over from ages past.

This could be a police procedural with romantic elements or a romance with murder mystery elements, or a plain murder mystery. This will save you so much time and grief.


M. G. E. said...Her being related to the killer, can you imagine what kind of party the defense attorney would throw when they found that out?

More than likely, any evidence she discovered would be removed from the trial as well.

She might even be suspected of planting the evidence! Especially if the perp turns out to be her ex-husband!


Jeb said...I see a lot of 'high-concept' romance elements in this one: the rich girl brought to a terrible low point by a faithless spouse even more spoiled than she is (lower than cleaning the country club toilets you used to puke into is hard to reach); the almost miraculous ability to succeed and grow beyond this awful job despite a complete lack of qualifications or experience; a hot new man you'd never meet if not for having been brougth so low; the manufactured conflict between solving the crime herself to impress hottie or taking the spoiled-rich-girl path of least resistance back into another rich man's bed.

This query makes a mistake in focusing on the non-credible career/crime/LEO elements instead of on the possibly more credible romance elements. That doesn't mean the story won't sell. In romance with any wider story than the cute-meet/obstacle/resolution format - sometimes called 'women's fiction' - any job/career and law enforcement elements will almost certainly stretch credulity beyond what mere mortals will stand. If those elements look really crude and fake on close scrutiny, it's because they're only backdrop to the romance. They're meant to be seen from thirty feet away, in dim light, while squinting, if you can ever drag yourself away from the really gorgeous people at front and center.

Just start over, author, and focus on the romance.


AA said..."Federal regulations deem all bodily fluids to be biohazards, so any blood or tissue at a crime scene is considered a potential source of infection. You need special knowledge to safely handle biohazardous material and to know what to look for at the scene -- for instance, if there's a thumbnail-size bloodstain on the carpet, there's a good chance that there's a 2-foot-diameter bloodstain on the floorboards underneath it. You can't just clean the carpet and call it a day. You also need permits to transport and dispose of biohazardous waste. Companies that clean up crime scenes have all of the necessary permits, training and, perhaps most important, willingness to handle material that would send most of us running out the door to throw up in the bushes."

"Now, even if you get a job with a crime-scene clean-up outfit, you don't just climb into a biohazard suit and dig in when the next suicide happens. There's a good deal of training involved, including bloodborne pathogen training (learning the dangers, characteristics and proper safety procedures regarding the handling of bodily fluids), training in the proper use of protective gear and learning how to properly transport and dispose of dangerous waste. Candidates will also have to pass a 'gross factor' test to make sure they can handle the work without throwing up. This type of training ranges from a graphic visual presentation of photos from previous clean-ups to an actual clean-up of animal remains. Most of this preparation occurs through the crime-scene clean-up company, but it may also include training and certification programs offered by a trade group or the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA)

Source: science.howstuffworks.com, and five minutes of research I just did.


Phoenix said...The problem with the suggestion to call this romance is that ... it isn't.

At least it doesn't appear to be from the way this query is written. The conventions of the traditional romance just aren't there at all.

With the focus so squarely on Sissy, I think women's fiction (today's acceptable term for what would have once been classified chick lit) is a fine genre to start with. Where the book would wind up on the shelf would be up to the editor and the publisher.

That said, I had a hard time with the maid to crime-scene-cleaning jump, too. I also recently read a survey where a majority of women said they don't generally use the word "tatas," even derogatorily, no matter how titillating those tatas may be.

You have the voice, author. Now you just have to make us believe.


AA said...I have to agree with Jeb that this should be a romance. It doesn't work as a crime novel.

I disagree with Jeb on the point that credulity can be easily stretched as long as it's a romance. This smacks of the philosophy "the reader's too stupid to know the difference." This could be true of romance readers. I don't know, I don't usually read romances. I think it's more likely, though, that the readers are smart enough, and the writer him/herself is maybe not the sharpest quill in the inkwell.

There's always the possibility that your readers will know someone who works in the fast-growing and money-making industry that is being portrayed in the story. It behooves an author to do enough research on an industry to make a story about it at least somewhat credible.

I get the idea (from the query) that the five minutes of research I did just to comment on the subject is more than the author put in to the whole book, and that's just unacceptable. At least, I don't see an agent accepting the story if that's how it comes across in the query.

That being said, it's okay to stretch credulity in professional matters if the main focus of the story is romance. But that doesn't mean credibility goes out the window.

It's possible the author does mention the training/certification in the book and just forgot to put it in the query.

I'd point out that the romance market probably has the largest amount of people trying to get into it right now, and crime fiction probably the second largest, so problems with the story aren't going to help the book's chances.

rachel said...Take EE's advice and add a little more about the murder mystery, and I think this'll do nicely. I like the voice that pops up in a few places, too.
And yeah, I know everybody's pointing out plotholes. But for some inexplicable reason, I'm still giving you the benefit of the doubt. The story sounds fun.


Dave F. said...I'm going to defend parts of this plot.

I worked with hazardous chemicals all of my 30 years in industry and took and quite possibly taught all of the courses that AA describes. (I escaped Blood Born Pathogens.) We took the shoes from one researcher and sent him home in stocking feet because of mercury contamination. We took the clothes off one technician's back and left him naked with special soap in a specially constructed shower with lights that made the chemicals on his bare body glow. We shut down the entire chemical handling facility because someone brought them an old chemical in very explosive form and it took three days to work out a procedure to neutralize it. Think something like nitroglycerin. And ANTHRAX, since we were federal and feds died in those attacks, everyone knew what to do if confronted by white powder. There were no exceptions to learning that procedure.

And there is the solution to the cleaning lady problem. If this "maid service" branched out into industrial buildings, janitorial contracts, water removal and even crime scene cleanup, then they have written and published procedures and conduct training in those procedures.

The law requires procedures to clear hazardous waste and it requires training to do that. So it is entirely possible that this house-cleaning or maid services also has a crew trained in crime scene cleanup. This is not hazardous chemical spill response, that's different. This is more like asbestos removal and mold where anyone properly trained can do the job. This could also be cleaning water damage caused by broken water lines.

I would think that a cleaning service that could handle hazardous cleanups would be invaluable in a small town, township or rural county.


Angela Robbins said...Mental pause sounds like menopause, and something more chic lit-y, and this is like a suspense or mystery with romantic elements.
I agree with ahooley: change the title.

I'm not sure about this crime scene cleaner thing, I'd think this is something some qualified would be assigned to. How about EE's favorite, the dead body cleaner upper?

["Listen, Sissy, you've been doing such a good job scrubbing toilets...] frickin' cracked me up, EE!


BuffySquirrel said...Chick lit and women's fiction are not the same thing, and, derogatory though the terms are, they're used by publishers, and therefore it's not the author's fault if they use them too.


Phoenix said...Well, yes and no, Buffy. Chick Lit is Women's Fiction, although only some WF is CL.


BuffySquirrel said...I think you're confusing 'women's fiction' as a general idea--fiction that's intended for women--and 'women's fiction' as a publishing term. Chick lit is for the twenty-somethings and is about shopping and dating (yes that's a gross generalisation) whereas women's fiction is for the thirty-pluses and is more about marriage, divorce, rebuilding your life, etc (gross generalisation 2).


Phoenix said...Buffy, we may have to agree to disagree or else these definitions are different in the UK than in the US.

I've never heard the age criterion applied to either chick lit or women's fiction. For example, Sex and the City is a poster child book of chick lit and its MCs are in their late 30s/early 40s.

I'm reading a crit partner's work about a woman in her early 20s that I would never describe as chick lit, but am happy to call women's fiction -- in the publishing sense as understand it.


BuffySquirrel said...Or maybe I'm just 100 years behind the times. It could happen!


Dave F. said...AFter reading the prior discussion of the differences between Chick Lit and Women's lit, I will repeat my advice:

This could be a police procedural with romantic elements or a romance with murder mystery elements, or a plain murder mystery. This will save you so much time and grief.


Phoenix said...Dave, I think that advice ignores the audience and is a disservice to the author. From the story told in the query, it's neither a police procedural nor a romance. It can't be pitched as either of those. From the title, it's obviously geared to the menopausal crowd, hence women's fiction -- by either Buffy's or my definition.

And it matters because of the pool of agents and pubs the author will be choosing to pitch to.

Evil Editor Classics

I had a dream last night in which I was on a city sidewalk and a woman was selling a bunch of items like you might see at a yard sale. I picked up a board game, which was in pretty bad condition; it was called Courtroom. The cover reminded me of Clue...



but I opened the game board, and it looked more like Monopoly. I was about to ask the woman if the game was any good when this little girl interrupted my train of thought by handing me fifteen cents as payment for some piece of crap. Apparently she thought I was the seller. And then I woke up, so thanks to this kid I never got to see the details of the game. Although I'm thinking each player is a famous TV lawyer like Perry Mason, Denny Crane, Lionel Hutz etc.

Anyway, I've decided that this dream is a sign that I am destined to make my fortune creating Courtroom. What I need from you guys is help in designing the game. Monopoly devotes six spaces on its board to Chance and Community Chest. In Courtroom, I've decided these spaces will be called Judgments and Briefs. So your first task in this endeavor will be to come up with courtroom-related things that should be written on the Judgments and Briefs cards. Send your ideas as comments.



Selected Comments

Strip 2.12

Click strip to enlarge.

Wait Staff

Face-Lift 1160

Guess the Plot

Unintended

1. Busting Mr. Parker's car window in third grade. Throwing for an interception that cost the Homecoming Game. And now, a broken condom after an evening with Miss West Virginia's Third Runner Up.

2. Ed "forgot" to pick up his mother's arthritis prescription so he substituted a few aspirin tablets. What's the difference, the old hag was probably faking her pain anyway just so Ed would live at home and wait on her hand and foot. Anyway, he "forgot" she was allergic to aspirin, so her death was . . . unintended.

3. Agnes didn't intend to fall in love with a Jewish guy; it just happened. She can't tell her parents; they'd disown her. But a lifetime without Fred Weinberg would be a lifetime of sorrow. On the other hand, Fred might expect her to give up bacon.

4. When Casey Montieth missed her archery target in gym, she didn't see the black form emerging from a hole in the field. Now all Hell has really broken loose.

5. For 24 years Dalton Abernathy has struggled to break into literary fiction. His friend accidentally submits some of Dalton's disjointed, mangled, notes from a half-dozen projects to an agent. Now he has a bestseller on his hands, a Pulitzer nomination, and loads of adoring fans.

6. Two weeks before her wedding to rich hunk Bruce, Sylvia discovers him boffing her sister, the maiden of honor. So Sylvia and her friends trick him into a fling with a mob boss's trophy wife. And Sylvia’s intended becomes her unintended.


Original Version

Ag Kelly is a young, flirty flapper who has finally found a [fetching fellow] man who can [fling a frisbee forty furlongs.] deliver a passionate kiss. It's a shame she has to keep it a secret. [If the one thing she was looking for in a man is talent at kissing, she seems kind of shallow.]

Ag's life is easier when she keeps [hides] her late night shenanigans away from her strict Catholic family. Even though they have grown used to her rolled stockings and bobbed hair, they will [would] never understand what she is doing now. This innocent summer crush is just one more defiant act best kept under wraps, [That's pretty much what you said two sentences ago.] and with good reason. It was never supposed to go this far. [That seems contradictory. Is it an innocent summer crush or not? How about: What began as an innocent summer crush has gone way too far.] Despite her attempts to keep Fred Weinberg at arm's length, she is totally unprepared for the intense attraction she feels for him. It's absurd, not to mention sinful.  The desire is mutual and grows quickly into an [a] once-in-a-lifetime love affair. The fact he is Jewish makes matters worse. [That's a long paragraph with a little information. Here it is in one sentence: Ag's strict Catholic family would freak out if they knew she'd fallen madly in love with a guy named Fred Weinberg.]

She tries to deny it. [But there's no getting around it; he's Jewish.] He tries to stop it. She counts the days until a new job takes him away, but now he wants her to leave town with him. She would have to disappear, never to see her family again. She'd be disowned if they found out, not to mention the condemnation that surely would follow. [Once you've been disowned, does it matter what follows? Also, if she disappears, never to see her family again, does it matter if they then disown her?] But ending it would mean giving up her true love in exchange for a lifetime of sorrow. The fear of making the right choice gnaws at her gut [even more than the fear of making the wrong choice] as she struggles to find a way to combine their worlds. [Tough choice. A lifetime of happiness with your one true love or a lifetime of sorrow with the bigots you blame for costing you a lifetime of happiness.]

Either way, she will have to pay for what she has done. [You haven't told us anything that happens in this book other than Fred and Ag fall in love. We need a plot.]

UNINTENDED is a historical romance novel complete at 130,000 words. It is my first novel. I have a Bachelor's degree in English and work in the pharmaceutical industry writing medical and clinical research manuscripts. [Wait, are you the one who writes those two-page, tiny-print side-effects warnings that accompany advertisements for drugs? I can see how it would be frustrating to write that stuff and know no one will ever read it. I'd be tempted to stick a few lies in the middle of page 2, like "Has been shown to cause Ebola virus in most patients," just for laughs. Try it, I guarantee no one will ever see it.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

It's wordy and repetitive and it's all setup. Here's my character, and here's her seemingly hopeless situation. All of that can be condensed into one three-sentence paragraph. Leaving lots of room to tell us what happens. I assume she doesn't spend 125,000 words making her choice. And that the choice she makes leads to interesting consequences.

That's a pretty long book. If you can cut it down to about 75,000 words without taking out anything important, as I suspect you can, you'll have a better chance of selling it.

Feedback Request

A new version of Face-Lift 1143 is now in the comments of the Feedback Request posted more recently. Your comments there would be appreciated.

Face-Lift 1159

Guess the Plot

The Adventures of Parker Rhodes

1. When an alien comes to Earth, proclaims itself the sole ruler of the universe, and releases a pack of dog-like creatures who try to eliminate all human life, it's up to teenager Parker Rhodes to send the megalomaniac packing.

2. Fighter pilot, concert pianist, dashing spy and gifted surgeon. Not to mention sexual athlete. Postal worker Parker Rhodes sits on his enormous behind all day and dreams of adventures.

3. In this modern-day retelling of Huck Finn. Parker is a runaway fleeing the meth-dealing pimps who want her in their stable. Jim, a fellow runaway and sometime boy-toy, befriends her. They learn life on the streets sucks.

4. Instead of stealing his best friend's dad's car, singing "Twist and Shout" on a Von Steuben Day parade float, and catching a foul ball at Wrigley Field, Parker wants to amp it up. Nobody's going to remember Ferris Bueller after Parker Rhodes's day off.

5. Yessir, being a valet at Pigeon Forge is tougher than Uncle Sammy's steak, but someone's got to do it. And when your Mom named you for where you were conceived, you know a life of adventure parking cars is yours for the taking.

6. Parker Rhodes is a little gray mouse
Who lives in the walls of a little pink house
He rides on the back of a poodle named Boo
And they have to hide from the cat Ahh-Choo

Parker goes on hunts for things
Like chocolate, bread, and diamond rings
He brings his finds to his hidden lair
But will Ahh-Choo ever catch him there?



Original Version

My 60,000 word novel, The Adventures of Parker Rhodes, is a young -adult sci-fi/fantasy book that follows a teenage boy on his journey to saving the world and becoming a hero in the process.

Parker Rhodes is a 14 year old boy from the small town of Wakesville, MD who is having one of the best days of his life. He just got accepted into the high school of his dreams and had an encounter with Danielle Rochester, a girl he has had a crush on since the 6th grade, but soon the day would take a turn for the worse. Upon returning home to deliver the good news to his mother,

[Parker: Guess what, Mom? I've got great news!

Mom: What is it?

Parker: I got laid by Danielle Rochester!

Mom: This calls for a celebration!]

Dorothy Rhodes, Parker is shocked to learn from the local news that the alien had [has] returned.

Parker lives in a world where aliens are old news, and widely adored. [Then why was Parker shocked to learn that some alien was back?] Three years prior an alien, which had been dubbed the Omega, crash-landed on earth [As you capitalize "Earth" everywhere else, may as well do so here.] and took the human race by surprise. [If this is a world where aliens are old news and widely adored, why are we all so surprised when an alien shows up?] During its stay, the Omega gained worldwide fame and acceptance, becoming the Earth’s biggest celebrity while its ship was being repaired, learning Earths [Earth's] languages and paying close attention to all of earth’s strengths and more importantly its weaknesses. Soon it was time for the Omega to return to space. After a huge event in the small town of Wakesville, MD, the Omega disappeared into the stars and also from the memory of man-kind. [mankind] [Three years after it was our biggest celebrity we don't even remember it? Who is it, Lady Gaga?] [If this is a world where aliens are widely adored, it's hard to believe we've forgotten our favorite alien ever. I still remember My Favorite Martian after 50 years.]

Now the Omega has returned, and is promptly greeted with open arms and adoration by earth’s inhabitants’ [inhabitants] and the Vice President. [Do we now remember the Omega, or do we think it's a new alien?] That is until the Omega turns on the human race by proclaiming itself as the sole ruler of the Universe, killing the Vice President [Anyone who spent three years studying us ought to know that our reaction to the killing of the vice president would be a lot of yawning.] and detonating a bomb, destroying the small town of Wakesville, MD. The Omega releases a pack of dog-like alien creatures from its space ship which attempt to eliminate all human life on the planet. [That would have to be a pretty big space ship if it holds enough of these creatures to wipe out all seven billion of us.]

Parker manages to survive the detonation of the bomb by hiding out in the basement of his home, but quickly discovers his mother is missing and fears she has been captured. A small band of military personal, [personnel] led by General Carter, also manage to escape the devastation of the bomb but are rendered helpless as it seems the aliens are unaffected by Earth’s weapons. Now Parker on a mission to find his mom, must team up with General Carter and his men to find the aliens [aliens'] weakness. The secret of the aliens’ defeat, an allergy to phthalate[comma] an ingredient found commonly in children’s toys, is discovered with the help of [when] Billy, a five year old boy dressed as a Wild West sheriff and separated from his parents, when he shoots his toy six shooter and surprisingly kills one of the aliens. The tide of the invasion turns in favor of earth as [Earth's militaries arm themselves with pop guns, spud guns, and Super Soakers, and] most of the aliens fall. The Omega, showing off its super human strength and speed, still prove [proves] to be too much for Earths [Earth's] heroes until a shot meant for the Omega hits Parker as well, a mistake that could have taken Parkers [Parker's] life but instead gives him the same powers as the Omega and proves to be the key to overcoming the alien threat and driving the Omega from the Earth. With Parkers’ [Parker's] new found powers, he now stands as Earths [Earth's] best hope to defeat the invaders if they ever decide to return, that is if he can learn to control them first.

I am a first time writer, but this is a story that is three-years in the making. [Coincidentally, it's three years since the alien first arrived here. Is this a true story?] Over time this story has grown, along with my imagination and has evolved from a game I played as a kid to a world all its own. [I used to play hide and seek as a kid, a pastime that evolved into my book Where's Evil Editor? Sort of like Where's Waldo?, but more challenging, as I don't wear a red and white striped shirt in every picture so you have to look for my muttonchops.] This is the first in a series which takes the protagonist across the universe [How long does it take him to get across the universe?] and follows the growth of a hero. My hope is that this book takes you on the same journey as I have taken, filled with wonder about the fate of the world and the hope that a young boy has to save it.

Thanks for your consideration.


Notes

First of all, this is not going to appeal to a young adult audience. I'm thinking 8 to 10 years old.

Secondly, there are way too many errors, especially with apostrophes. One assumes the entire book is filled with missing or misplaced apostrophes.

Wouldn't the sole ruler of the universe have better things to do than wipe out humans?  Doesn't he have billions of galaxies to tend to?

Did the shot meant for the Omega that also hit Parker come from a toy gun? Why would a toy gun give Parker super powers? How could a toy gun have taken Parker's life? If it's not a toy, why were we shooting it at the alien, when we've already figured out that only toy guns can kill it? If you're going to release creatures capable of wiping out all human life, what's the point of first killing the vice president or of blowing up Wakesville? Why would General Carter team up with a 14-year-old kid to find the aliens' weakness? Hard to believe no weapon known to our military has any effect on a dog-like creature. Readers expect logical explanations for everything that happens. Do you have them?

The query is too long as it is, so better to leave out what you haven't explained than to try to explain it all.