Evil Editor's Blog, page 124

Evil Editor Classics

Strip 2.08

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Evil Editor Classics

There's a limit to how many old Face-Lifts I can label "classics" and post on weekends or days when there are no queries or openings in the queues. So it's time I started using old films or openings or cartoons or ads. Or alternating them.

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Face-Lift 1152

Guess the Plot

A Cuckoo by the Window

1. General Mills waits, staring outside. His country's at war, his soldiers are starving and millions of hermetically packaged MREs that don't get soggy in milk and contain a full day's nutrition, remain uneaten. A mascot is needed, but whom? The clock strikes midnight.

2. Shut the blinds! Charlie Sheen is out there again!

3. The parrot in Martha's favorite shoe store shouts profanities when she shops there, so one night she breaks in, kills it, and replaces it with a more polite bird. Parrots and cuckoos sound the same anyway.

4. Oh, how positively inviting she looked--that bikini clad cuckoo that statuesquely stood by the window on W. E. Coyote's porch. All that gave the ploy away was the return address on the discarded packaging that read "Acme Adult Novelties."

5. When Charles Radcliffe finds his wife and her lover in a motel room bathtub and kills them, he realizes he's at the top of the list of murder suspects. Can he convince the jury it was an accident? Or will the cuckoo who witnessed the whole thing rat him out?

6. Compared to tattoos and genital piercing, straitjackets don't hurt. Staring through the one-way window waiting for her mom to claim her from the psych ward, Yalta laments her life. Being thirteen shouldn't suck this bad.

7. Floyd buried love with his second wife five years ago. Marjorie never expected to find love whilst birding. Who does? An inexplicable romance blooms between two septuagenarians.

8. How much is that Cuckoo by the Window
The one with pretty red eyes?
How much is that Cuckoo by the window
With the pinecones, chalet, and Swiss guy?

I must have that Cuckoo by the Window
I'll wind it all up every day
I'll buy that Cuckoo by the Window
I must hear what he has to say

I bought the Cuckoo by the Window
At home it gave me a fright
For out of that Cuckoo came a Swiss toe
And then came the rest of the guy

I keep my Cuckoo from the window
The one with the secret inside
My Cuckoo will never leave my home now
It keeps my Swiss lover inside.


Original Version
Dear Agent:

Two lovers lie upon one another, [A neat trick if you can pull it off. Usually if one is upon, the other is beneath.] the cold embrace of death making their tangled bodies white as they floated [We've switched from present tense to past already?] in the cooling waters of a bathtub, while a husband stumbles [Back to present, and still in sentence 1.] out of a dark motel room, his mind reeling with past guilt. [If, as I suspect, the husband has just killed his spouse and his spouse's lover as they were enjoying a hot bath, I doubt their bodies have already become noticeably whiter or that the water has become noticeably cooler. And the husband's mind would probably be reeling more with current guilt than past guilt.] [Actually, the thoughts with which my mind would be reeling are That'll show her. She never let me in the same room when she was taking a bath, but this asshole's in the tub with her? Hmm, I'm sure to be suspect number one, so I better head for the airport and catch a flight to Addis Ababa before the maids find the bodies in the morning. But first I better cancel the TV Guide subscription.] [Note that not only was my mind not reeling with past guilt, (This never would have happened if I'd remembered to put the toilet seat down more often.), but it wasn't even reeling with present guilt. Step 1: Get away. Step 2: Feel guilty.] A Cuckoo by the Window, a dark literary drama of 35,186 words, [That's awfully short. 35,000 words will fill 140 pages, which will require 70 sheets of paper. If you pile 70 sheets of paper on top of each other, they'll reach all the way to the top of your mouse pad. In the bookstore your book will get lost between the surrounding books:


Fortunately, most books aren't bought in bookstores, and Amazon doesn't include spine width among a book's stats, but unfortunately, agents haven't caught on to this yet, and they will spot that "35,000" even if you bury it at the bottom of the page.] is a story where a life time [lifetime] of secrets are uttered to an almost-stranger, [I would never tell all my secrets to a stranger, but an almost-stranger is a different story.] lies are uncovered to the ones they hurt most, old and new betrayals are laid bare and a happy life is bought by an unacknowledged good deed. [That's all vague. We want specific information.]

When Charles Radcliffe, the richest man in Silver River, falls for his suspicions and tries to find out why his soon-to-be ex-wife was lying to him, [About what?] a series of inexplicable events lead to his killing both her and her lover by accident, and with almost no one to witness the deed. [Almost no one? How many witnesses do they need? Was the witness the almost-stranger? Or was the witness a cuckoo by the window?] [Actually, if he killed them in a motel room bathtub, it's hard to believe there was even one witness. Or that it was an accident. Sure, I believe it was an accident, but I'm not on the jury.] Why did a wife who had long been separated from her husband feel the need to hide her lover from him? [If they're long-separated and soon-to-be ex, why would she feel the need to tell him about her lover?] And are the accidents that kept [keep] happening in the small, sleepy town truly what they seem? Or is there some shadow in the darkness pulling all the strings that lead to death? In this book, you will find the answers to these and more questions, [Will I find the answers to my questions? And will I like the answers?] [In any case, learning the answers to questions you ask about your plot is not an incentive to request your manuscript. So you may as well answer them in the query.] when secrets begin to uncover, spilling lives in their wake.

My name is Osman Walela, and I currently live in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia.

In closing, I want to thank you for your time and consideration. I chose to send you my query because you represent/represented Kaui Hart Hemmings who made me want to write this book in the first place and whom I like to think has influenced my work. And, at last, I want to remind you that the full manuscript of my book is available upon request.


Notes

Your grasp of the language is admirable if this is not your native language, but the subtleties of English can take an almost-lifetime to master, and you aren't there yet. I can tell this from the use of such phrases as "falls for his suspicions," "secrets begin to uncover," and "spilling lives." It's perfectly clear what you mean by these phrases, but they're slightly off. Thanks to Google and Google+ I was able to look at the opening paragraphs, which suffer from the same problem. If you were getting on in years I would recommend a reliable editor, but as you are still young, I recommend (assuming English is the language you wish to write in) reading as much as you can and perhaps taking some advanced classes and finding an online critique group.

As for the query, it needs to tell us the story, not just intrigue us with a few elements of the story. Possibly this means telling us how Radcliffe killed his wife and her lover, and what he and the authorities are doing as a result. Is he on the run? In jail? What are these accidents? Who bought a happy life, and with what good deed? If these are key plot points, tell us about them. If they aren't, don't mention them.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

The Star Bear Odyssey

1. Micro- brewer Dave Fitzsimmons thinks he's found a winning name for his secret lager. He dreams of hitting it big. Then there's a mistake at the printer. Hilarity ensues.

2. A space bear travels to Earth and meets a tragic end, but his cells serve as the building blocks of life on our planet. Written entirely in haiku.

3. Sam and Belle Star, horse and cattle rustlers, stop in a bar where a depressed stockbroker says there’s a bear market at the Chicago Exchange. So the Star gang raid Missouri and Iowa zoos, stealing bears and herding them toward Chicago.

4. When Olga Petrovna, the lead bear in the Moscow Circus's bicycle act, is kidnapped by a rival ringmaster, plucky 11-year-old acrobat Ivan Ivanovich must cross Siberia to far off Irkutsk to recover her.

5. A crew of astronauts set out on the most dangerous mission ever, a voyage from Mizar in Ursa Major (The Great Bear) to Polaris in Ursa Minor (The Little Bear). Apparently they're obsessed with bears, although this is carrying it a bit far.

6. Seventeen-year-old Kendra Langton sets out to follow the path of Odysseus in her sailboat, Star Bear. It's supposed to be an educational vacation, but when she encounters Charybdis and then gets attacked by a Cyclops, she realizes she's in for rough sailing. Could Circe be behind this?

7. Every solstice, Grock the centaur makes the pilgrimage to the Ring of Stones to learn about his destiny from the Star Bear. This year, his oracle is silent and Grock needs to find out why the stars' voices have been stilled.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Attached please find my 523 word very haiku horror picture story for all ages, [If it's haiku, we don't need a word count; we need a syllable count.] [Not sure what the word "very" is modifying. Very haiku? As opposed to somewhat haiku? Would a somewhat haiku book be written using a lower percentage of haiku, or would it just have some inferior haiku, like with eight syllables in the middle line?] The Star Bear Odyssey. You mentioned that you would be interested in seeing it. [Note to self: Henceforth no more than two beers per night at a writers conference.]

The crash-landing of another traveller, expelled from his own star, rudely interrupts a small water bear space traveller’s journey. [These strings of modifiers (very haiku horror picture, small water bear space) don't help your cause, partly because they seem like randomly chosen words.] [Here's a haiku I just composed using your word-string method:

Small water bear space
Very haiku horror pics
Charge tennis cow spring.

Is that what the haiku in your book are like?]

The empathetic star bear is glad to receive company and agrees to take care of the foundling. A tale reminiscent of a twining of Roald Dahl’s dark humor and Poe’s psychological distress unfolds.

[Edgar Allan Poe
And Roald Dahl entwining.
Wackiness ensues.]

On one level it is a simple story of survival. On another level it is about depression, abuse, and the betrayal of trust.

[Depression, abuse,
And the betrayal of trust.
Sounds like a downer.]

The outcome is necessarily tragic, but also a pyrrhic victory, in that the star bear’s cells serve as a fragile evolutionary bridge on earth. Panspermia is an unlikely but possible scientific theory for the sustenance of life on earth. [For those who don't want to look it up, panspermia is the theory that sperm from a star bear traveled through space until it encountered the egg of an Earth mammal, resulting in the creation of Yogi Bear.]

I wrote the book during a period of severe depression, for which it served as a kind of catharsis. I have had it edited professionally by Hat Trick Rooster, a published Xanaduian poet. [I Googled the words Xanaduian poet but Google insisted I meant Canadian poet. I guess that means they never heard of a poet from Xanadu. (Personally, I'm surprised they've heard of any poets from Canada.) Then I Googled Hat Trick Rooster and got this 1961 Australian ad for Red Rooster's Hawaiian Hat Trick box of food.] [I had no idea Australian ads were as annoying as American ads. "Chunks and chips." That sounds appetizing.] [Does a haiku author really need a haiku editor? Haiku are only about eight words long. I guess the editor can confirm that each line has the right number of syllables. And some words do have questionable syllabic totals. For instance, Xanaduian. If you pronounce it Zan a du ee an it's five syllables, but if you pronounce it Zan a du yen it's four. If I were writing a haiku, I'd go with four syllables. Otherwise it takes up the entire first line. To illustrate, compare these haiku:

Xanaduian dome
Brings pleasure to Kublai Khan
But not to students.

Xanaduian.
It describes Rooster Hat Trick,
Whoever that is.

As haiku, they're equally great, but the first one has more words. That's the point I'm trying to make.] [Wild guess: Xanaduian TV ads are less annoying than Australian TV ads.]

I am at a loss as to what type of publication (other than/self-publishing) it might appeal to. (which I won't mention) [I agree that it's a mistake to mention in a query that you believe self-publishing is your best bet.]

I am an artist and aspiring illustrator-author, an avid reader, and fascinated by the evolution of books, reading and technology. The illustrations for Star Bear are done on smooth, bleed proof paper in mixed media. The haikus are written in calligraphy as part of each illustration. I found the physical act of handwriting in itself therapeutic. [I don't even remember how to perform the physical act of handwriting.]

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

Maybe this would be a hit in Japan. Or maybe it would be cool for teachers to use when covering poetry in elementary school.

Clearly you need to include sample pages so editors can judge the quality of the art, calligraphy and haiku. If they like what they see, they will probably want a lot more of the story than you provide here. The mention of horror/Poe/Dahl leads me to believe there's a plot. Are the bear and the foundling the only characters? What happens when they get here? What's this about betrayal? Summarize the story. Then add:

Haiku book, complete
With space bear illustrations.
Request manuscript?


Selected Comments

150 said...If you're going to keep querying this, my advice is to ask librarians for scary picture books and query those publishers after taking all the unprofessional hemming and hawing out of your query. But my actual advice is to scan this and publish it on the Internet for free as a webcomic. You won't make any money, but it could really find an audience (and if it does and you're desperate to feel it in your hands, that could justify a short self-published print run or just putting it onto CafePress.)

An example of an awesome dark webcomic: http://emcarroll.com/comics/faceallre...


Anonymous said...As mentioned, maybe the best option would be self-publishing. However, do NOT do what 150 says until you have tried other options and found them unworkable.

Do your homework on the self-publishing option, which has numerous alternatives for illustrated work that don't work very well for a prose-only project. Also, depending on how long it is, some literary magazines you can find on the duotrope site take submissions of work like this 'graphic stories' or whatever they call it and although they generally do not pay anything, they do have an audience and getting a publication credit is better than throwing your first rights away.

You can also figure out how to print and bind it yourself as a small edition, then submit it to calls for artist books, and/or places like the Minnesota Center for Book Arts. If you are in the USA, have a look at the kickstarter website and consider funding/selling it as a kickstarter art book project. Something like Amazon's createspace might also be a good option, but it probably won't get noticed there unless you have some way of promoting the book to lots of potential readers.


Laurie said...150 beat me to it - my first thought was that this should be posted on-line as a webcomic, and then, if there's enough interest, self-pub a hard copy. On-line comics artists find the free version acts as advertising for the print version and builds up an audience.

I'm not a poetry fan, or a depressing ending fan, but this actually intrigues me. If you do continue with querying it, maybe a line or two more about what actually happens might help. Good luck.


Author said...
Ah, could I but make it to the hallowed halls of the hemming= and hawingless Classics. I feel inspired instead to develop plot #5. I'm not sure that would lead to a blissful ending either. I have looked at the self-publishing options- so many, it's confusing. Thank you all for your most excellent suggestions. I enjoyed the emcarroll webcomic. Maybe I should go with a creative commons free ebook on something like smashwords. That wouldn't be the best for the artwork though, since one cannot upload files larger than 5MB. Thanks again; let the adventure continue...


Dave Fragments said...Please remove the word "Panspermia" from any mention in your query or in the picture book. I somehow think that a picture book for kids will never succeed with that word in it or as a description of what happens in it.

Children's books can be dark or (in my case there was one) controversial (I can't tell you the problems "Walter the Farting Dog" caused me, honest) but they need to be appropriate age-level language and of a single concept.


AlaskaRavenclaw said...Not a hoax, then? Okay. Some form of self-publishing is for you, author. But if you decide to try the traditional route and query, look up "pyrrhic victory".


Wilkins MacQueen said...Google "Haiku publishers" for starters. There is a long list of publishers accepting submissions for you to research.


Whirlochre said...Are you sure this all fits into a 523 word story? You could easily spend 300 words detailing the small water bear space traveller's outfit — 200 if it was naked (which would leave 100 for the fur).

Your main problem is all the negativity and fluff, none of which agents will find endearing (even if they are big interstellar bear fans).

So lose the depression and the being at a loss — and the levels. With only 523 words, you can't possibly have levels.

Also, don't mention the Xanaduian poet. Makes you sound crazier than he/she/it is. That said, if this poet is a bear, a mention would add kudos.


Evil Editor said...Sample pages may be viewed at Amazon.com.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

The Final Clue

1. At last it is revealed: Colonel Mustard did it on the billiard table with Miss Scarlett.

2. First it was just Mr. Boddy. But now Mrs. White's disappeared, Professor Plum's got a nasty lump on his head, and Mrs. Peacock's been reduced to a quivering lump of terror. This is no game.

3. Nancy Drew has been retired for a decade, but when she receives a mysterious letter she’s on the case again. If the letter is real she may finally one-up her nemeses’, the Hardy Boys.

4. In the final showdown, it's Bugs Meany vs. Encyclopedia Brown, and this time Sally isn't there to save the random-fact-spouter's bacon.

5. Someone is leaving death-threat poems on Gina's front door. Is it the serial killer known as . . . "The Rhymester"? Maybe, but Gina hasn't rejected the possibility she has a secret admirer.

6. What really happened to Bob's pet chicken? Well, the bloody hatchet in the dishwasher is the first thing that gets Bob to thinking. But the discovery of his wife's shopping list, which includes eleven herbs and spices, is what gives him . . . the final clue.

7. Jeremy and Rachel are this close to winning the house of their dreams from magazine Cedar Rapids Today. They've solved all the puzzles, met all the requirements, and jumped through all the hoops. Now all they need is . . . The Final Clue.

8. Jim is convinced he's cracked a code hidden in the Old Testament for centuries, namely that the saga of Abraham isn't really about him, but is the story of Egyptian pharaoh Akhenaten. Now Mossad, al Qaeda and the Vatican are after him.

9. Detective Clavoue knows cases remain unsolved until the final clue is found. So he ignores all the early clues in a desperate search for the final one. Will the "Clavoue Method" revolutionize criminology?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

FBI agent Gina Russo: A tenacious investigator, but a woman so scorned, she swore off men.

A career criminal presumed dead, devastated over his brother’s life incarceration: Ignites revenge.

[An aspiring author: submits query letters that don't have actual sentences/ Overconfident; invites rejection.]

An egotistical agent assigned to assist Gina, wonders what the hell he ever did that karma would bite him in the ass: Frustrated; dealing with her is more than he ever signed on for.

[An editor so evil he'd rather watch TV than read oddly punctuated fragments and run-ons: New shredder needs breaking in; works fine, just in time for Mad Men.]

She’s fueled like never before when she’s challenged to solve clues [Technically, you solve puzzles, mysteries, crimes; clues are what you gather in order to do the solving.] in the bizarre poems arriving at her front door. It’s imperative that she learns the man’s identity [What man? The career criminal? The poet? Are the poems signed? If not, how does she know it's a man?] to bring his ass down [When I write poetry to a woman, I'm generally hoping for a different reaction out of her than trying to bring my ass down.] for not only threatening her life, but also for causing Joey Zicara, the agent assigned as her partner, to enter and disrupt her comfort zone. [There are plenty of women who wouldn't mind Joey Zicara entering their . . . comfort zone.]

Gina and Joey scramble to unravel the mystery of the rhymester’s twisted vendetta against her, before time runs out. [Are you calling him a rhymester instead of a poet because you think his poems have no literary value? If so, do you feel they have no literary value because they rhyme? Because they include death threats? What makes you an authority on poetry? Here's a little test. One of the following death threat poems has the potential to become a literary classic. Which one?

1.
Death. It cometh to us all,
Bringing grief and sorrow.
And yours will surely cast a pall,
For it's happening tomorrow.

2.
I've got some bad news to impart,
So you'd better sit down, Gina.
I'm planning to rip out your heart,
And feed it to my hyena.

Not as easy as you thought, is it? Show us one of his works so we can judge for ourselves.] [Also, if you're gonna call him a rhymester, call him The Rhymester. All killers with gimmicks have cool names. Think The Joker, The Riddler, Polka Dot Man. Frankly, I think "The Poet" sounds more villainous than "The Rhymester."]

THE FINAL CLUE is a 100,000-word, character-driven suspense novel set in New York City.

I was born and raised in New Jersey then relocated to South Florida where I’ve been working in law enforcement for 23 years to present time.


Notes

I find it interesting that the query mentions both Joey Zicara's ass and the villain's ass. You might want to work in Gina's ass too, by changing "before time runs out" to "before Gina's ass is grass." In fact, you could even say: I was born and raised in New Jersey then moved my ass to South Florida.

If this is romantic suspense in which Gina and Joey fall in love in the end, say so. And by "in the end," I don't mean "in the ass."

Does anyone get killed? Is the main plot thread two FBI agents race to determine who's writing poems to one of them? I think there should be a stronger hint that lives are on the line. As it stands, the poems could be a practical joke from a fourteen-year-old.

Those first three paragraphs must go. Maybe you could open with one of the poems if they're short. Then you say: So reads the poem FBI agent Gina Russo finds nailed to her front door. She's about to write it off as a prank when she sees that it's signed by the serial killer known as . . . The Poet.

Now that the situation is set up, show us that The Poet means business, and what Gina plans to do about it.


Selected Comments

BuffySquirrel said...Author, I think you need to review the rules on using semi-colons, or simply to stop using them.

This could be a cool story. I like the idea of feeling threatened by poetry. Not so keen on opening with a female character who's defined by her relationships with men.

(EE, don't give up the day job to become a poet; author, consider using the 'ass is grass' line)


AlaskaRavenclaw said...Not just semicolons: Colons, too.

Speaking of colons, EE, I am LOLing. But as for the query:

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Writer, a query has two jobs. The first one, and the biggest, is to entice the agent or editor to want to read the story. You haven't done that because we're not quite sure what the story is.

The second is to convince the agent and editor that you can write in English and that you're not some kind of whack job. Now, you don't come across as a whack job, but you're making a fairly common mistake with the writing-in-English thing. You're trying to impress. You're trying to impress someone who's probably spoken to two National Book Award winners and a Nobel laureate so far this morning.

IOW, you're not going to impress her with your dazzling style. So write simple, ordinary prose. That's all you have to do.

That, and make us want to read the story.


sarahhawthorne said...We need more of the plot, and more of a hook. If all the bad guy does is leave threats on Gina's door, I don't understand why she has to solve clues in the message when it seems like just staking out the house for a week ought to reveal her bad guy. Scary, but something that ought to be pretty straightforward for a law enforcement professional to handle.

I'm also wondering why she doesn't seem to be getting more support from the FBI. Is it just her and Joey working on this? I would think the FBI would come down a lot harder on threats against one of their own.


150 said...That your story incorporates poetry, but the query doesn't give any examples of it, makes me leery. Sturgeon's Law holds true across the board, but poetry is one of those things with the potential to go especially wrong.


batgirl said...I dunno, 150, it probably wouldn't hurt the story any if the poetry was bad - Jack the Ripper's poetry wasn't that good either.


PLaF said...I like the idea of a poetic killer. It calls to mind a villain from the old TV series The Profiler who killed a woman’s husband and then sent her roses. It’s inherently disturbing to be “courted” by such a whacko. I’m concerned that we’ll never see the emotional turmoil the MC will experience. That would be fine if the killer targeted another person and the MC is the dispassionate investigator, but it would be tragic if the MC darts unfeelingly from one clue to the next.

It was impossible to tell what was going on in the first three character introductions. Worse, nothing sparked my interest until you brought up the bizarre poems threatening her life. Definitely lead with that – it’s what sets your story apart.

The MC’s relationship with her partner needs a little more clarification. What’s really fueling their dislike for one another? Does it get in the way of solving the mystery? And why should I care? If this is a character driven story, I’ll have to care.

Lastly, I would rethink calling the villain the “Rhymester”. I kept reading it as the Rhy-mester, which is not even a little scary. EE’s suggestion of “The Poet” gave me chills.


BuffySquirrel said... Maybe the villain is the Rhymer.


AlaskaRavenclaw said...Good point, Buffster: -ster is actually a feminine ending, as in Brewster (female brewer) or Baxter (female baker).


Evil Editor said...Don't forget monster (female Jamaican guy).

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