Evil Editor's Blog, page 125

Feedback Request

A new version of a new version of a previous Face-Lift awaits your reaction.

Feedback Request

The author of the query featured in Face-Lift 1150 had posted a new version in the comments there, and awaits your input.

Face-Lift 1151

Guess the Plot

Tears of the Phoenix

1. A Phoenix's tears supposedly halt imminent death, and even restore life to the recently dead. That's all well and good, but what Gabrie'Elle really wants to know is: How can she make the bloody bird cry?

2. There are a million stories in the city. But when it's August in southern Arizona, the only one editor Claire Crissly cares about is the one delaying the air conditioner guy.

3. When Asuran's best friend is killed, he must enter The Ruins to solve the crime. But no human can survive in the stagnant magic of The Ruins, especially a blind one. Unless....With the Tears of the Phoenix, Asuran might just pull it off!

4. Phoenix cried herself to sleep every night. When the man of her dreams found out she was a pole dancer and broke it off, she cried. She cried when she killed him and his new girl. She cried at his funeral. Now she's crying in the electric chair.

5. Jorian's baby sister suffers a mortal wound. While everyone sits around praying, Jorian leaves to climb Mt. Streppe to harness the healing power of a phoenix's tears. He meets many magical creatures on his journey.

6. Televangelist Jimmy Phoenix crashes and burns while leaving the beer store. Affording plastic surgery isn't a problem, considering the donations from the Faithful he's been raking in. Forgiveness could be. He can only pray that a tearful televised repentance will put him in the telecongregation's good graces yet again.

7. The last phoenix's rise from the ashes was prevented due to excessive lacrimal exudate. The resultant imbalance in magical power set a comet on a collision course with Earth. Good thing DJ Shazam packs a hair dryer.



Original Version

I am seeking representation for [a] completed, 117,000 word, fantasy/scifi novel. The Dark Masters: the Tears of the Phoenix is the first book series where humans are no longer the dominant species. [I assume you mean the first book in a series where... You can't possibly believe humans are the dominant species in every book series ever written.] [Besides which, your statement implies that humans are the dominant species when in fact it's the Borg.]

Asuran Stein [Anagram: Satan's Risen!] and Felicia-Maria are Lancers of the Elite, the military might of the world and the sword of the Matriarch. [WHA--? Okay, these two characters are Lancers of the Elite, whatever that means, and the Lancers of the Elite are the sword of the Matriarch, whatever that means. Got it.] Or, they will be. [WHA--? Okay, what you're now saying is that these two characters are not Lancers of the Elite, whatever that means. Should I trust you that the Lancers of the Elite are still the sword of the Matriarch, whatever that means?] Right now, they're just first year cadets at the Weapons Sorcery Combat Academy. [If you call it the Weapons Hocus-pocus Academy its acronym will be WHA--?] There are only two rules: stay out of the ruins and stay alive. In that order. [I find it inconceivable that something called the Weapons Sorcery Combat Academy would have only those two rules. There have to be rules against using weapons or sorcery to kill your fellow students. And against cheating on your necromancy test. And let's not forget the first rule of the Weapons Sorcery Combat Academy: You do not talk about the Weapons Sorcery Combat Academy.]

When his best friend shows up dead, [I'd go with "turns up dead" or "shows up undead." "Shows up dead" sounds like he's arriving somewhere. Wait, is that what they mean by the phrase "Dead On Arrival"?] Stein must battle his festering sorrow to uncover the killer. [You're saying that at the Weapons Sorcery Combat Academy, when someone is murdered it's up to a first-year cadet to solve the crime?] His biggest problems? He's human, [Not clear why that's a problem.] he's blind, [Crystal clear why that's a problem.] and the Sovereign don't believe in murder. [The Sovereign? Who are the Sovereign? And whaddaya mean they don't believe in murder? They don't believe it happens? Or they don't accept it as a means of solving all one's problems the way humans do?] [If this book doesn't go anywhere, I recommend starting a mystery series about a blind detective. He's worthless in the field, but his "Watson" brings him evidence with which he solves crimes thanks to his heightened other senses. For instance, "Watson" brings him a sea shell and he feels it and smells it and tastes it and puts it up to his ear to hear the ocean and then announces that the murderer is Spongebob Squarepants.] [Hold everything. Just to make sure someone else hadn't already come up with this idea, I Googled "blind detective" and it turns out there's a Japanese movie by that title soon to be released. Here's the trailer.] [Okay, but I have another idea. This one's for a board game. It's Clue, but in the ocean. The six suspects are Spongebob, Captain Nemo, Prince Namor, Aquaman, Ariel, and Jacques Cousteau. The weapons are spear gun, trident, fishing pole, torpedo, oil spill and trained shark. And the rooms are famous ships that sank. I accuse Aquaman in the Titanic with the spear gun.] [If there can be an Alaska Iditerod version of Monopoly, why not an underwater Clue?]

Meanwhile, Felicia-Maria struggles to understand why they chose her, a maid-of-all-work. [WHA--? Who chose her? The Sovereign? The Academy? The sword of the Matriarch? The Lancers?] When a seemingly innocuous list of medical supplies that could resurrect the illegal science of genetic engineering crosses her desk, she must overcome her desire to wash pots and scrub floors [I think I've solved the mystery of why they chose her. They needed someone to wash pots and scrub floors.] [Although it seems to me a first-year cadet at WHA would have more important duties.] [Even for a maid-of-all-work, I wouldn't think the desire to wash pots and scrub floors would be so strong that overcoming it would be a struggle.] and delve deeper into the murky world of brokering information and secrets. [If a maid can look at this list of medical supplies and determine that it could resurrect the illegal science of genetic engineering, I don't see how the list can be described as "seemingly innocuous." Unless... Is there a post-it note on the front of the document that says: "Bob--here's that list of stuff we need to start our cloning operation."?]

When their searches point them towards the ruins and one another, they must question if the answers they seek are really worth the consequences. Can a human survive in the world of the Sovereign [Is the ruins the world of the Sovereign?] and what place does a maid really have among the Elite? [Maids have always had a place among the elite. As their maids.]

Sincerely,


Note: Since the Query doesn't give it away, the Dark Masters are the only legendary Elite who survived the ruins, while the Tears of the Phoenix are [is] a magic spell that can dispel the stagnant magic of the ruins. [That clears it up. Except for the part about what are the ruins?]


Notes

I'm in favor of hiring those with disabilities, and I realize that Daredevil gets by quite well without being able to see, but would an organization that bills itself as the military might of the world" recruit a blind guy?

Even if a pot-washing floor-scrubbing maid-of-all-work realized the significance of an innocuous list of medical supplies, wouldn't she bring it to the attention of someone higher up the chain of command rather than delving into the murky world of brokering information and secrets?

We don't need to introduce four different (or not different) organizations in the query. One is plenty.

Nearly every sentence in the query inspires questions that aren't answered. Start over. Your setup seems to be this: First-year cadet Asuran Stein must enter the Ruins to solve the murder of his best friend. And fellow cadet Felicia-Maria must enter the Ruins to prevent the resurrection of an illegal genetic engineering program. There's just one problem: The first rule of the Academy is Stay out of the Ruins.

That leaves plenty of room to tell us what happens when they team up and enter the ruins, who tries to stop them, how they plan to get around this, what will happen if they fail.

Note that I capitalized "Ruins." I don't know exactly what they are, but they sound like they've earned a capital "R."

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Heavens Gate

1. After Monty gets murdered, he's reborn as an angel. God sends him to save the Earth from some very bad angels, a task Monty might be able to handle thanks to his special powers, but then that bastard Satan has to get involved. Is Monty on a collision course with Armageddon?

2. Rafael was just an ordinary goldsmith, but when he died he found out he had gotten the job of rebuilding Heaven's Gate. If he succeeds his work will be immortalized, but if he fails he'll surely be damned for all time. Can he possibly build a gate that even God Himself can't find fault with?

3. After being told she was special all her life, Tiffany Barns did not expect to go to Hell. But she did. After burning for a week, she's so obnoxious about the unfairness of it all, even Satan wants to kick her out. So he bets God she'd be just as bad the second time around.

4. Two political-correctness-challenged angels find themselves locked out of heaven and must track down the key before Satan's minions can do a little 'breaking and entering.' But when both Angels fall for the same mortal--a single mom named Nellie--how will they save heaven and keep their friendship intact? Especially since Nellie is...*CHOKE, GASP*, an atheist?

5. Saint Peter installs a digital system and takes his first break in 1990 years. All goes well until sirens blare and Heaven's Gate slams shut on winsome Nell O'Brien. It's a false alarm, but Paddy McGann can't make it stop. Soon thousands of irate souls are waiting to get in. When Joe Thomkins leads them in chanting for refunds, Paddy knows -- it's time to call God.

6. As Bud Emery worked his way through the first 23,844 heavens his enthusiasm waned. Now he's just dallying around, plunking tuneless noise on the harp, waiting for the chance to escape. Which is exactly what Wanda Higgins is doing on the other side of the cloud! What will happen when these two misfits take flight and collide???

7. Based on the mail they get, postman Jeff Dunbar doesn't believe the "Heaven's Gate" people are really a bunch of prayerful zealots preparing to leave Earth on the next comet. They're more likely making bombs. But how can he prove it to Deputy Jackson?

8. Homicide dectective Zack Martinez knows that "Heaven's Gate" is the code name of the box super spy Tina Shoemaker was supposed to pick up at the secret drop off. Too bad she lost her head instead. Now Zack must find the axeman before Gorilla Jones does, or there'll be another head rolling around.



Original Version

Heavens Gate: Revelations, a 37,267 word novel, is a diverse religious fiction novel revolving around Montgomery “Monty” Graves and his troubled soul. [That sounds too much like Montgomery “Monty” Burns, who also has a troubled soul.] [Also, I'm not sure what you mean by "diverse." And "involving" would be better than "revolving around."] His conflict with God is only exceeded by the pain and anger he carries around daily. [To say something exceeds something else requires a unit of measure that can be applied to both. Thus declaring pain and anger to be greater than a conflict with God makes little sense. I've had doctors ask me, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your pain?" But if the pope said, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your conflict with God?" I would say, "I haven't had enough conflicts with God to be able to do that." And if he then said, "Okay, instead of rating it in comparison to other conflicts with God, rate it compared to pain and anger," I'd just stare at him until we eventually broke into wild laughter.]  At one time he though [thought] he had a life full of promise, one secure in God’s love. His life goes crashing downward when his grandmother is murdered by senseless neighborhood violence. Monty then turns his back on the church and loses all belief and faith in God.

Monty shuffles between foster care homes [Whoa, he's a kid? Shouldn't you have mentioned that?] and is expelled from numerous of schools. Always trying to find his purpose, he never finds the peace he once had when his grandmother was alive. His two friends, Jenaye and B.J., provide one source of comfort but it’s not enough. [If the comfort provided by B.J. isn't enough, the situation is hopeless.] He tries to begin a relationship with Jenaye but his bitter feelings for God manifest to hatred, making Jenaye afraid to get close to him. [Actually, if you've ever been on a date with someone who wouldn't shut up about God's wonderfulness, you might find it refreshing to be out with someone who constantly spews invective about God.]

Monty gets a top paying job and his arrogance and cut-throat attitude gets [get] him promoted to Vice President [I was under the impression Monty was a teenager. How much time has passed since he was shuffling between foster homes?] of the company.

[Job interviewer: I see your education consists of being expelled from six schools. I'm afraid I can only offer you a high-paying position.

Monty: That's okay, I'm willing to--

Job interviewer: Wait, I see you list as one of your hobbies constantly spewing invective at God. How would you like to be vice president of the company?]

This brings much jealously, including his best friend B.J.. Monty's arrogance has him sitting on top of the world but [he] is about to [be] brought to his knees like never before. Monty is murdered and the reborn as an angel with special powers. Not long after, Monty is summoned by God himself, who tells Monty that seven more angels will be sent to earth, each bearing one of the seven deadly sins of man. God tells Monty that if the earth is to survive then he must defeat these angels. [It's one against seven. Maybe you better tell us what Monty's special powers are.] [Also, as a resident of Earth, I'm not crazy about our survival depending on one guy who's been constantly spewing invective at God, doing what God wants done.] But when Satan gets involved things take a turn for the worse. [Amazing how often that happens. Coincidence?] Monty embarks on a personal journey fraught with emotional peril. He can either accept his fate or cling to the past on his inevitable crash course towards Armageddon. [Collision course with Armageddon. A crash course is what you take when you have to learn something really fast (or where you work when you're a crash-test dummy).] Earth’s fate belongs to Heavens Gate! [Your big finish would be more effective if I knew what it meant.]

Hello, my name is ____________. I am 29 years old and I currently work as a truck driver. Heavens Gate is my first novel and it is currently self-published. [What does that mean? Self-publishing should come after you give up on finding a publisher, not before you start looking. Now that you've already sold your book to all your friends and family, I can't count on any sales if I publish it.] I believe the my novel can survive in many different mediums and markets because of its diversity. Heavens Gate is creative, visual, and imaginative. Enclosed is a SASE for your response and thank you for taking the time to review my letter.


Notes

It's never a good sign when the title is spelled wrong. No way would Uncle Tom's Cabin, Gravity's Rainbow or Portnoy's Complaint have been published if the authors left out the apostrophes. True, Finnegans Wake got published, but the proofreader and the publisher assumed Joyce was using experimental punctuation. Aren't you glad you have EE to provide literary trivia?

The query is loaded with errors. Missing words, misused words and misspelled words in a query bode poorly for the novel. Or should I say novella?

Why does the title include ":Revelations" in the first sentence, when it's just Heavens Gate (twice) in the last paragraph? Is Revelations the first book of the Heavens Gate trilogy?

Is God sending the seven angels to Earth? Why, just to see if Monty defeats them? And we all die if he fails? This sounds less like God than like those ethereal cerebral entities on Star Trek who arranged stuff like this just so they could gamble on it.

Selected Comments

150 said...Since this book is very short and already available through iUniverse (great cover!), your best bet is probably to leave this where it is and write the next book.


BuffySquirrel said...37k is too short for a novel. Further, if it's written with the same disregard for the English language as the query, it probably isn't publishable.

150 is right, except you should probably take an English course as well.


batgirl said...What 150 said. Very few agents will consider a self-published book. If it's sold well, you might be able to include it as writing credit in the bio paragraph for your next book.


Dave F. said...The way to go from a self published book into the catalog of a publisher, is to have a market for your book.

The few examples of the success of such self published books are the ones that created their own market and sold well as self published. What that shows is that there is an audience or a fan base willing to spend money on the books.

I can cite "Still Alice" for one title.


Whirlochre said...The query is as long as the novel is short and I'm not sure how you're going to fit it all in.

I'm with everyone else so far in that there are too many mistakes in this as it stands.

If you can correct those and ditch the last paragraph, you'll have something closer to the mark, though I'm not sure the subject matter is quite my cup of tea.


_*Rachel*_ said...

This reminds me of the only self-published novel I own, Coffee with the Prophet. The idea behind it is OK, but the author has more experience writing nonfiction--the first reason it was self-published. The second reason involved the possibility of very angry people. Still, not bad.

What I'd advise you to do here is the same I'd like to see Mark Gabriel do: write another novel. It'll be better than the first, and you'll have a better possibility of getting it published. Might I recommend making your next one a bit longer? Maybe not Peretti long, but longer than Narnia, especially if it's meant for adults.

One advantage of traditional publishing is editing and copyediting. You'll have to do your own for now, and you might want to step it up a bit. I know, annoying--my view exactly. Oh, well.


Dave F. said...I read this statement to a friend of mine: "a personal journey fraught with emotional peril" To be honest, neither of us could figure out what it meant. So then we called a friend each and asked if they ever went on a a personal journey fraught with emotional peril and they said "what?"... No one of the four of us knew what sort of personal journey would be marked by emotional peril.

If we had such trouble with those words, and we're all deep, brainy and thoughtful philosophical people... then how would anyone else have a chance at understanding it?

He said tongue firmly planted in cheek.


chelsea said...Monty's murder and subsequent transformation into an Armageddon-stopping angel seem to be where the story really gets going, so maybe consider shortening the human part of Monty's story so you can tell a little more about the angel-fighting part. Monty's struggle with his faith is clearly a big part of the novel, but I'm not sure it needs to be in the query because he ends up working for God anyway . . . right?

"Senseless neighborhood violence" was a bit vague for me. Is this a gang thing, or are there unusual circumstances here?


Kings Falcon said...The query seems to focus a lot on information that is back history and set-up. At 37K words, I think it would be difficult to follow Monty from teenage years to some undefined point as an adult when he dies, and Armageddon. But then, I could be wrong.
Is this the first installment of 7 stories - one for each deadly sin? If so, you might want to make that clear.

Try to focus the query on the story that happens in the 37K. The last paragraph about your credentials can be cut since it doesn't help you.

I suspect you're going to have a hard time finding someone to represent a previously self-published book. Pat yourself on the back for finishing since that sets you aside from probably 90% of the people who want to write and work on book 2.


Bill H. said...The title, for the 50+ crowd, conjures the first mega-bomb movie; it brought down a movie studio, but resulted in a riveting non-fiction book by the exec producer for the movie, Stephen Bach: "Final Cut: Art, Money, and Ego in the Making of Heaven's Gate, the Film That Sank United Artists." The book is highly recommended by moi.


Matthew Hoye said...If you have to use the words visual, and imaginative in the query, that indicates that you're afraid the writing actually isn't. Let agents discover those qualities themselves.


writtenwyrdd said...The real story seems to begin when when Monty is murdered and comes back as some sort of avenging angel. That means all the meat of your query letter is taken up with backstory.

I would leave out that you are a truck driver, as it isn't relevant. Only the quality of your writing is relevant.

One thing that I noticed in this query is that you start talking about how bad things are happening to your protagonist, and you imply that they continue for some divine purpose, but then seque into your character's murder and his afterlife job. (I was inclined to think the point of the story was Job-like punishment and testing until the death/avenging angel part showed up.)

What we are lacking here is what your protagonist's goals are and a hint at how he resolves them. Tell us about that stuff, not how he ended up that way. (I too thought he was a teenager until we hear about his job and the rest.)

As far as being self-published with this book (and yes it is too short to be called a novel) it really is a handicap. I'd suggest going on to the next project, too.


Author said...Thank You all for your comments. I take all critisism with a smile. After reading your comments you guys have confirmed what I have already started to believe.

YOU CAN'T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S QUERY LETTER!! The entire process is smoke and mirrors. You have to submit this perfect letter to the publisher/agent who (depends on how he/her feel on that day) may take my letter however they want. All 37K words is interesting. My book is diverse and that's why I have a hard time putting it into one letter. There is so much that happens and (trust me) it all comes together. I have decided to continue to self-publish. I will take some writing courses. I will find my market. I will succeed! The traditional way to get published is not fair and it doesn't allow writer's of raw talent to achive their goals. Look for me in Hollywood guys. And again, Thank you for comments.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

I Am the Tempted

1. Fat guy. Enter: milk- shake.

2. As she celebrates her 42nd dry day, Abby Foster finds that bottle she hid in a boot long ago -- and it's half full! Next, she realizes it would be much easier to drop out of law school and join the army so she goes to surprise her old squeeze Josh, and ask what Afghanistan's really like, but then she discovers an urgent need to kill that vile thing, Samantha, who's skulking round his apartment.

3. Kaitlin's relationship with Jessey started out fine, but then she met "bad boy" Tim. Is the temptation too great to withstand? Maybe she should let her guardian angel and the demon-possessed theologian hell-bent on killing her fight it out to decide who she dates.

4. Confessions of a retired politician, including the reasons he dallied in the men's room and with various ladies, his long-suffering marriage, pact with GOD, target-practice injuries, bankruptcy issues, trouble with alien domestic helpers, and efforts to take over the world.

5. Jerry Filbergast's memoir, with complete details of his saintliness, dedication to Bible-reading, and remarkable ability to say NO THANKS to wayward girls, strangers offering miraculous substances, and mortgage brokers.

6. Chocolate, ice cream, triple cheese pizza? Bah! One thing keeps Joanne Bingham going; donuts. Since the invasion of the Twigites and the subsequent sugar rationing, she will do anything for donuts. Lie. Cheat. Even write a post-apocalyptic baking industry satire.

7. Jill Sykes opened what she thought would be a struggling bakery for the first few years of operation, but everyone fell for the temptation of her doughnuts, cookies and biscuits in an eerie, almost supernatural way. Is it Jill's special recipe, or the fact that Demeter, goddess of grain, has taken up residence in the basement?

8. Eve Lundt, a chocoholic who works at a chocolate factory, starts a support group for winning over temptation. Three shopaholics, two thrillseekers, and one vampire later she's a blood-sucking spendthrift sky diver. In a last-ditch effort to develop self-discipline, Eve's group joins a Tibetan monastery.

9. Cardinal Diarmuid Flanagan O'Murphy, gives his personal views on matters of sin and repentance, and also explains that those altar boys knew exactly what they were doing, oh yes, they led him on, all 1,263 of them.



Original Version

Dear EE and Minions,

After a series of terrifying experiences with her possessed theology teacher, Kaitlin Loeffler is expelled from St. Clement High School and sent to live with her father in a tiny Montanan town. [If I'm having terrifying experiences with a possessed theology teacher, you don't need to expel me. I'm gone.] [Now that I think about it, if I'm a high school student and I somehow landed in a theology class, I'm gone whether the teacher is possessed or not.] [Also, I'd go with Montana rather than Montanan.] She wants her new life to be different: free from the guilt and pain of losing her best friend, free from her ability to see demons and their terrible influence on those around her, even free from her guardian angel, the one who gave her the ability in the first place. [The one who stood by doing nothing while Kaitlin had terrifying experiences with a possessed theology teacher? Good riddance.] She wants to be normal. She wants to fit in.

Jessey, a handsome boy in her physics class, [They don't teach physics in Montana. Change that to cow tipping.] invites Kaitlin to a study session and she is introduced to Tim, his wild, rebellious younger brother. Her relationship with Jessey is off to a promising start and she is enjoying a small taste of a normal life. All of this comes crashing down when Kaitlin’s guardian angel arrives and tells her she has chosen the wrong brother. [Has this guardian angel earned his wings yet? He sounds like a loser.] [Also, "comes crashing down" is pretty strong considering all the angel did was suggest she date Tim. If the guardian angel told her Jessey was a possessed physics student, her normal life might come crashing down.] [Also, what does he mean by she has chosen the wrong brother? Jessey invited her to a study session. She didn't "choose" him. She hadn't even met Tim at the time.]

Kaitlin is determined to prove her guardian wrong, although Tim’s bad boy attitude is alluring. Her guardian angel leaves her [This guardian angel is a slacker. He reminds me of a waiter I had a few nights ago, doting over his big table and ignoring the fact that I might want a bit more fresh pepper on my soup. (I didn't, but that's not the point.)] [Do guardian angels even have more than one table?] and as a result, Kaitlin can not only see the demons whispering, [She was already able to see demons.] but becomes the object of those whisperings herself. Against her better judgement, [In Montana, that's spelled "judgment."] she befriends Tim, and is quickly overwhelmed by his charming personality. Kaitlin can’t seem to hide anything from him, which is problematic, because she is trying desperately to keep her ability secret. [It's not like he'd believe her if she declared she could see demons.]

Life seems to be setting into a comfortable routine for Kaitlin. [That wasn't the impression I was getting.] Even this is shattered. [until] Kaitlin’s guardian returns with a warning: the possessed teacher is halfway to Montana, and hell-bent on killing her. As she prepares to face her demon, literally, her relationships with Jessey and Tim crumble and she must find the strength to confront the demon alone to save his future victims without becoming one herself. [You'd think a guardian angel could be more useful than to just announce, "Oh, by the way, a possessed theology teacher is on his way, planning to kill you." Can't the angel cause the possessed theology teacher's car to go over a cliff?]

I am the Tempted is a YA Paranormal novel complete at 80,000 words. Full manuscript available upon request.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

Now that Kaitlin is in Montana, why does the possessed theology teacher want to kill her? She's not bothering him. The demons in Montana can kill her if she's a threat to demonkind.

I'd go with Jesse instead of Jessey.

Has Kaitlin mentioned to her guardian angel that she'd like to return her demon-seeing gift?


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...The query leads me to believe that the romance is the main story, but if demons are trying to kill her, how can she focus on anything other than survival?


Anonymous said...I think this query has too many subplots getting in each other's way. You wrote it like you thought you were giving a logical description of a logical sequence of plausible events but this kind of story doesn't live in a logical world so it would perhaps be better with more dramatic focus. What does this girl need/want to do most, what's impeding her, and what happens if everything goes awry???


Taylor Taylor said...Anonymous - The only demon that can hurt her is the one possessing the teacher. The only power other demons have is through influencing one's thoughts. She doesn't realize the possessed teacher is out to get her until late in the story.

Her main goal throughout the story is to control her ability so it isn't debilitating. When it goes awry the first time, she's expelled from school. If it goes awry a second time, she'll lose the only two friends she's made. When she does finally learn to control it, she discovers that the possessed teacher is out to get her.
Would that information help the query?


Evil Editor said...If that's the main goal, you should begin with something like: Kaitlin Loeffler has been given a rare talent: the ability to see demons. But this "gift" has caused her nothing but trouble. She's been expelled from high school after a terrifying encounter with her possessed theology teacher, Mr. Mephistopheles.

Now Kaitlin has moved to Montana to live with her father. She makes new friends, has a boyfriend, feels like she's finally fitting in. Life is good . . . until she learns that Mr. Mephistopheles is on his way to Montana, hell-bent on killing her.

It won't be easy to keep her gift secret from her new friends while also battling a demonic theologian, but if she can't defeat Mr. M, the entire state of Montana will be buried in lava.


Anonymous said...Of course this sequence of events is neither logical nor plausible, but that doesn't mean it can't work as a story. Step back and look at it from a broader scope -- the series of events is taking your attention from the overall arc of things.

I suspect the story is really about the same thing that worries all teens: survival / autonomy. The biggest threat is isolation/abandonment, and the way she's going to save herself is by making real friends and creating an identity in which she owns herself and can make her own decisions and is therefore master of her own identity and fate.

The 'ability' is problematic because it is both isolating and an unwanted imposition -- the consequences of the ability are worse than the ability itself, so the 'ability' is only an instrument through which the real harm is caused. The 'guardian angel' is an abuser: an unreliable presence whose 'gifts' are designed to manipulate and oppress. If she doesn't get some real friends and ditch this presence and its 'gifts' she won't achieve autonomy and likely won't survive at all.

As for the evil teacher, I don't know, sounds like just another complication on the road to autonomy.


vkw said...I didn't like this story at all until Evil Editor wrote the query - now not only do I like the story but its sounds unique and interesting if one would like young adult/contemporary romances.

writing the query is very hard but I found it helped me a lot (as well as EE and his minions) to see some problems with my work and to better focus on what was the most important thing . . .like you know the plot.


Taylor Taylor said...VKW - EE makes it look easy, doesn't he? I appreciate the criticism! Keep it coming.


sylvia said...I recognise my own faults in this, trying to tie it all together while keeping it succinct.

It's hard to tell as an outsider but I'm thinking you can safely drop where/how she met Jesse and Tim and that the angel interfered - the important thing is that she's interacting with the brothers, right? So if those two paragraphs became a single sentence, then her life could be seen as settling down until she finds out the teacher is coming after her.


GalaktioNova said...Actually, while I was reading, I couldn't help thinking that Kaitlin sounded rather, how do I put it, sort of selfish. It's all about her and her problems, but the query didn't give me any idea of whether she ever tries to do something for her friends or think about them at all. And (it's actually a very recent discovery of mine :-))))) I'm not sure readers are at all interested in MCs who don't show much interest or emotional involvement in their fellow human beings.


Author said...Revised version:

Dear EE and Minions (again),

If only spiritual gifts had a return policy. Sixteen year old Kaitlin Loeffler sees demons, and she will do absolutely anything to rid herself of this “gift.” Her unusual ability interferes in every part of her life: she must constantly lie to her super-strict mother, she becomes the laughing-stock of her private Catholic school, and discovers her theology teacher, Mr. MacFayden is possessed by a demon--one that isn’t thrilled to be found out, and is even less thrilled when Kaitlin begins meddling with his schemes.

After a series of encounters with Mr. MacFayden, Kaitlin is expelled (she was totally set up), and though she’s spitting mad, she is also relieved when her mother forces her to move to Montana and live with her estranged father. Now in Montana, she makes friends, finds success at school, and even has a boyfriend or two. Life is good--until she discovers that Mr. MacFayden and his stinking hoard of demons are on their way to Montana, hell-bent on killing her.

Embracing her gift at last, Kaitlin marches into battle, and risks her life to save the very possessed man whose demon seeks her destruction.

I AM THE TEMPTED is a YA Urban Fantasy complete at 81000 words, and is available upon request. I live an write in Montana and was once nearly expelled from a private Catholic school.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Phoenix said...Hi Author: You've turned this into a nice, serviceable query with a touch of voice. Well done.

The only niggles I have are why she's forced to lie to her mom and what motivates her to interfere with the demon's scheme if she'd do anything to not have her gift.


Portuguese cunt said...I like this query. It sounds like something I would read. Only one thing bothered me. Did anyone else feel like the phrase:

(she was totally set up)

Sounded out of place? The sentence seems fine without it.


Mother (Re)produces. said...I like the new query. I'd like a droplet or two about why she is suddenly gung-ho to save Mr MacF. Why the sudden attachment?

josephrobertlewis said...This new query reads much better, but it raises a question about your plot.

There seems to be a lot of action in Act 1 leading up to her expulsion. But then she moves to Montana in Act 2 and has a "settling in" period of making friends and dating where there is no action (apparently). Then the demon stuff comes back in Act 3.

Is that accurate? Is your Act 2 devoid of demon shenanigans? It looks very uneven.


Taylor Taylor said...Thank you all for the feedback.

Josephrobertlouis: The second act's conflict centers around her relationships with her new friends and continuing conflict with her ability. I didn't include it in the query, because it distracts from the main conflict.

Phoenix: she can't go around telling people she sees demons, and the reason she must interfere with the demon's schemes is that he leads her to believe that the possessed teacher will soon be having an affair with a student, and she feels compelled to prevent it.

Mother Re(produces): She realizes that though he is possessed and though he did get himself into his own predicament, MacFayden needs help.

I was trying to keep the word count to a minimum and outline the most important conflicts.

Thank you all so much.


The Invisible Writer said...First sentence in the rewrite is pretty good at grabbing the attention to read on. The second sentence is 61 words long and a laundry list of happenings that needs trimming to only the necessary stuff (lying to Mom doesn't seem like the crux of wowing an agent).

The third sentance is 40 words long. 2 run-on, complex sentances in a six sentence plot description would worry me as an agent. I'd think your book is filled with mind-bending sentence structure - and maybe it is.

Q & A 189

Why are magazine articles, which require lively writing and demonstrate an ability to structure a story in an engaging way, irrelevant as credits when querying a novel?

This question was inspired by my comment "If you have credits that are relevant (published fiction), stick with those," after the author of the query featured in Face-Lift 1150 listed nine publication credits. My intention was not to disrespect nonfiction, but to suggest that the author, in paring his list down to two or three, go with those that were published fiction. Being unfamiliar with any of the nine magazines/websites/broadcasters the author listed, I wasn't sure whether some of the credits might be fiction; if they were, those would show not only the author's skill with "lively writing," but also with telling a story.

Now that I've been asked this question, I've looked into a few of the credits. The two print publications were Sharp, a Canadian men's magazine for which the author has written many articles, mostly in the tech field, and The Bulletin, which happens to be the title of a lot of publications, though I'm guessing this is an alternative newspaper in Toronto.

The online pubs include:

Problogger, a website devoted to how to make money as a blogger (the author was published there three times, each as a guest blogger on Problogger's blog). [In looking through the Problogger blog for ways to make money off my blog, I came across this post, which suggests how Problogger makes money off their blog.]

Tech and Techvibes, where you might find articles like "iPhone versus Android: What You Need to Know Now, Before You Screw Yourself" and "Why Canadian Videogames rule."

Consumerist, in which the author's piece on his two-day stint as a door-to-door salesman was presumably nonfiction, but thanks to a story arc and a lot of dialogue, could easily be taken as fiction, and is thus more indicative of his storytelling ability than an article on the best camera bag to take on a hot-air balloon excursion.

Then there are the broadcasting credits, which could be anything from ad copy to hour-long top-rated television dramas, though I imagine if they were the latter that would have been trumpeted in the query.


I would limit the credits to Sharp, because the author has been published there many times, and Consumerist because of the story. But here's another factor to consider when listing online pubs or print magazines with online versions: The person to whom you are sending your query can search for the publication and (if it exists) then search for your articles there. Which is okay if they're just confirming that you didn't fabricate your credits, but what if they actually read your pieces?! And what if you or whoever edited your article filled it with typos and what you, now that you've matured as a writer, consider embarrassingly bad writing?

This Q and A from ages ago makes a few points about credits. (You'll find most of the Q and A's from 8+ years of this blog conveniently collected in Why You Don't Get Published, vols. 1 and 2, available in the EE Shop. While they last.)

So, that doesn't answer the question, but it does cover the reasons credits aren't nearly as important as information about the book, namely, credits could be for stuff that sucks, they could be for stuff that doesn't exist, they could even be for someone else's writing. (If you claim to be Evil Editor in your query, you'd better hope the recipient doesn't email me to confirm, because I'll see to it you're never published on this planet.)

As for the nonfiction vs. fiction question, expecting a nonfiction writer to produce a good novel is like expecting a watchmaker to build a diesel engine. Maybe not, but I thought you might be ready for a good bad analogy. In truth, I'd be more impressed by your nonfiction article in The New Yorker than your short story on awesomefiction.com, [Took me 3 tries to come up with a non-existent example, as greatfiction.com and incrediblefiction.com actually exist.] [Eventually everything will exist, and then all new urls will have to start wwww (WorldWideWebWithal).] so the question is based on a faulty assumption.

I realize this makes it sound like it's not the type of writing or the quantity of credits that impresses me, but how much you got paid and by whom. And that's true. But only if you can hold my interest all the way to your credits. Most writers waste so much time worrying about credits and put so little effort into describing the story, I never get within four inches of their credits.

Face-Lift 1150

Guess the Plot

Please Laugh at My Funeral

1. Oh, I will. Believe me, I will.

2. Two years into clown college, Balletina still can't fashion a balloon poodle. Desperate to ace Sight Gags 101, she plans the biggest prank ever. Unfortunately, she tapped the hydrogen tank, instead of helium. Also, angels.

3. Steve plans to kill himself, but to give the people who attend his funeral some hilarious stories to tell about him, he puts off his suicide for a month and does crazy stuff involving homeless guys and penguins.

4. After decades of failure, would-be comedian Eddy Marsh has taken his own life. Five comedians are invited to the wake - only to discover that Eddy has left a few last practical jokes. Deadly jokes.

5. When Crenshaw Comedy Club regular Mickey Mass is found dead holding a suicide note that reads "Please laugh at my funeral," homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things. One, Mickey wouldn't have killed himself right before filming his HBO special. And two, he would never have signed his suicide note "Bonzo The Clown."

 6. Manfred is immortal, bloodthirsty, and unashamed, but he wants humans to know he has a soul too. He forms a folk band with a clever name (Please Laugh at my Funeral), but how can he resist biting his adorable bandmates?

7. John is dying. Not in the figurative way that living creatures are dying, but with a brain tumor. Considered the most morose man in the world, John's tumor has tickled his funny bone. After leaving his jobs at the sewer plant and the crematory he started a career in standup comedy. Now, he has one last gig before he slays everyone at the funeral parlor. They will die laughing.



Original Version

Steve is going to kill himself in 30 days. [There has to be a faster way.]

“Please Laugh at my Funeral” is a modern fiction, complete at 51,000 words, [If you put this at the beginning or the end instead of right after you've gotten my attention, you won't have to worry that I'll forget all about ... Whatshisname.] where each chapter is one day in Steve’s life as he desperately tries to ‘feel alive’ before he ends it all. [Usually it's people who desperately want to not feel alive who kill themselves.]

To do this he breaks into the penguin enclosure at the zoo, [That won't make him feel alive; it'll make him feel like an idiot, especially when his friends read the news report.] tries drugs for the first time, [It's better the 2nd time.] blackmails his former boss, [He should kill his former boss. If you're gonna kill yourself, you don't need money. You need the satisfaction of taking someone with you.] sleeps in a homeless commune, [Sleeping with Penelope Cruz would be more life-affirming.] explores religion, [Preferably not one that says eternity in a burning lake is the penalty for suicide.] love, death [He explores death?] and more. [Basically, he's put off his bucket list so long that he has to cram it all into one month, but in his case it's not because his doctor gave him one month to live; it's because he gave it to himself.] [In any case, the key word is "list." Lists are boring, and the longer the list the more boring it gets. This list seems to be a three-word summary of each chapter. Perhaps something like: "To do this he becomes a thrill-seeker (he skydives on meth), a criminal (he kidnaps a penguin and kills a homeless guy), and finally . . .  a philosopher."  . . .would satisfy your need to list stuff while more quickly moving us along to day 30, when something actually happens.]

It all starts to catch up to him as the police begin searching for him and a cult like group called ‘Live with Steve’ start obsessing over his plan. [This cult is the most interesting part of the story. Get rid of the police and expand on the cult (in the book too, if necessary). How do they know about his "plan." Is he blogging his way through the month? Are they eagerly anticipating his death or trying to stop him? Does he meet with them? Are they in most of the chapters or just the last few?]

Quick Biography:

I have written for magazines, newspapers and have written full time for broadcasting companies (including both television and radio.) [I wouldn't call that a biography, but the good news is it was quick.]

Some Publishing Credits: [What's with this sudden trend of labeling the parts of a query letter? I half-expect the next query to start Salutation: Dear Agent,]

Print:
Sharp Magazine
The Bulletin

Broadcast:
Peace River Broadcasting
Vista Radio
Chorus Broadcasting

Online:
Consumerist
Problogger
Techvibes
Tech

[If you have credits that are relevant (published fiction), stick with those. And limit your list to two or three items. Also, listing vertically doesn't make the query seem longer. It just highlights the white space to the right of the list.]


Notes

Is Steve killing himself in 30 days even if his attempt to "feel alive" succeeds? If so, why? If not, then he could change his mind after day 1? For instance, if he goes on the Spiderman ride at Islands of Adventure on day 1, he could develop a renewed will to live. Or if he goes on It's a Small World at Disney World he could off himself before the ride ends. What I'm saying is, Is his goal to find a reason to live or is it to feel alive as much as possible in the 30 days before he kills himself?

Is calling this "a modern fiction" a way of avoiding the criticism that it doesn't hold together as a novel? If there's a logical progression through the 30 days, with Steve learning something about life and himself, tell us about it. If the first 25 days/chapters could be rearranged in any order, it's not a cohesive story.

Once you cut the bio/credits to a couple sentences you'll have plenty of room to tell us what happens in your book, focusing on Steve's character arc rather than listing stuff he does.

Face-Lift 1149

Guess the Plot

A Not So Quiet Hostage

1. After witnessing a murder, Alice Platinum is taken hostage by the murderer. But only for one month. That's as much of Alice as he can stand.

2. It was a simple plan. Kidnap one of the king's daughters, collect the ransom, retire to the tropics. But the princess that bandits Fenton and Bock grab has a terrible secret: she snores. Also, she wants to join their gang.

3. Gwen, drunk and wandering, encounters a real centaur in Adirondack Park. He throws her over his back and ties her up on his bed. They engage in the most interesting acts for weeks until Gwen's abusive husband beats on the door with his rifle.

4. Aid worker Petra is taken hostage by insurgents, beaten daily and threatened with beheading. Her situation seems hopeless until she realizes she can project her thoughts to one of the captors. Can she persuade him to release her? Or will he accuse her of witchcraft, guaranteeing her death?

5. Ax'nat'Henes has seized the Earth as hostage until the Sun returns those comets stolen when the solar system first formed. Since the comets were runaways and not stolen, the Sun has no intention of returning them. And so another 10.9 hits Los Angeles while Earth fights for freedom.

6. Elf twins Talien and Glorian have a great plan for world peace: Capture Dwarf Prince Maggar and hold him hostage. But when the Prince turns out to be a spoiled, petulant drag queen, will they give in to the Dwarf King's demands? Or will they find a way to return the Prince?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

A terrible past has haunted a twenty-four year old young lady named Alice Platinum for nearly six years, but when she moved far away to shut away all the lies and gossips, her worst nightmare arose from the blue.

A horrifying death of a young go-go dancer was witnessed by Alice’s eyes, but the guy who killed her was no other than, Jason Hampton; [,] a past high school rival. He had figured out who saw him, [;] before everything becomes exposed he kidnapped Alice and kept her hostage for a month. [Pluperfect, present and past verb forms in one sentence. Impressive.] Now to prevent her from exposing him, Alice was forced to join Jason on his dreadful mission without turning back. Not only is the truth of Jason’s deadly murder [All murders are deadly. Maybe it should be deadly mission and dreadful murder instead of vice versa.] being exposed, [Who is exposing it?] but his luck and faith lies with Alice. [

While the whole world assumes she knows a top secret code; a seven letter word which would open a safe that contains one tiny piece of paper, [Great scenes inspired by that sentence. 1. A billionaire, having purchased an impregnable safe in which to keep his bearer bonds, writes the combination on a piece of paper because he's afraid he'll forget it, and then, afraid some criminal will find the piece of paper, locks it in the safe. 2. Ruthless criminals torture a billionaire for hours until he finally reveals the combination to his safe; they open the safe and there's nothing inside except a slip of paper on which is written the combination.] multiple criminals are after it, [Is the seven-letter word "dolphin"?] [I have no reason to believe it is, but think how amazed the author would be if I got it right.] [....did I?] but one in particular is only after her; Mr. Stollen a massive criminal. [Maybe if he laid off the Stollen he wouldn't be so massive.]

Six Massive Criminals
Fat Tony (The Simpsons)
The Penguin (Batman)
Violator (Spawn)
The Slug (Capt. America)
Jabba the Hutt (Star Wars)
Don Corleone (The Godfather)
Now that her past stopped haunting her, Alice’s future lies under Jason’s hand. Alice tries to force her mind to trust him, but all the evidence provided proved her wrong because she is afraid of--- finding out the truth. While an ugly secret becomes exposed, not only about Stollen and Jason’s past rival, but about Alice’s disappearance and taunting past. Now to stop her past from taking over her future, Alice has to figure out what to do, all alone and to listen to all the unbarring truth which has to be revealed. [Possibly the vaguest four-sentence paragraph ever to appear on this blog.]


A Not So Quiet Hostage is a 50,00 word count, mystery novel. [Mystery? What's the mystery? We already know Jason's the murderer.]


Notes

I get it. Writing is in your blood, and for some reason (possibly you currently live in an English-speaking country) you've decided to write this book in English. Bad idea. You don't have the punctuation, the idioms and the word usage down yet. And once you've mastered the conventions, you'll still need to choose specific information that captures our interest, and organize it in a coherent, cohesive summary of your story.

A summary that might address some of the following:

Why is Stollen interested in Alice?

If Alice saw Jason commit murder, wouldn't he flee the country or silence her forever, rather than hold her hostage for one month?

Why does the whole world think Alice knows a top secret code? I don't see why anyone would think that. Who is she?

What is Jason's "mission"?


Your best bet is to write the book in a language in which you have supreme confidence. Later, if you wish, it can be translated, either by you after you've mastered English, or by someone else.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

One Night in Magadan

1. When an invasion force from the Madlands attacks the city of Magadan, the massacre is on. One common minstrel joins up with a band of strangers--not to try to defeat the overwhelming forces, but to run like hell in hopes of surviving . . . one night in Magadan.

2. Kincaid O'Sheefe, Ireland's top secret agent, is assigned to track and capture the Assassin, an ex-KGB official turned hired killer. O'Sheefe travels to Magadan where he has a one-night-stand with his contact--who happens to be the very person he's trying to capture. And he's next on her hit list.

3. One night in Bangkok, and the world's your oyster. One Night in Magadan and the world's more like the mussel you were going to throw out because the shell was open but then you figured you were cooking it so it would be safe to eat but when you were wheeled into the ER that night the triage nurse who was really smokin' hot asked you what kind of idiot you were to eat tainted shellfish and you knew she'd never go out with you and a blow job was out of the question. It's that kind of novel.

4. Terry Winslow has everything that a man could want: family, fame, and fortune. But when his wife hires a new maid, Terry finds himself longing for something more. Terry's attempts to woo the maid prove futile. Eventually, she quits her job and heads to Spain. Three months later, Terry receives a note that the maid is ready to yield to him. Now Terry must decide if he's willing to risk it all for . . . One Night in Magadan.

5. Sultry. Sleazy. Itching from a skin rash you don't want to look at too closely. Magadan is all these things, and for ex-Vietnam vet Bruce Bottomwell, it's also the steamy pit where he finds the rent boy he left behind in Saigon. Then Bruce gets shanghaied at a bar and drafted into the Magadan army, and finds the commanding officer is his rent boy grown up. Can he rescue himself - and his dreams?

6. Visit sunny Magadan and die. On her "I'll spend my inheritance any way I want tour," supermodel Tiffany discovers old Nukes in the hands of new terrorists with plans to create WW3. Can she thwart the terrorists, or will they drown her in the Sea of Okhotsk?


Original Version

Dear [wise and all-powerful literary agent]

In the eternal battle between light and darkness, sooner or later the bad guys win. [If somebody eventually wins, can the battle truly be called "eternal"?]

Aust is a common minstrel in Magadan, the largest city in the world – a bustling international metropolis whose greatest hero, Aidan Trevanik, has waged a war against the power-hungry Lich Lords [Bet you can't say "Lich Lords" 5 times really fast.] of the Madlands. Aust is entertaining revelers on the night that Aidan’s army returns to the city from a supposedly victorious campaign – except that Aidan is dead, and the returning soldiers are in fact an invasion force from the Madlands disguised by a magical illusion. As the army of the Lich Lords tears the city apart from within and the victory celebration turns into a massacre, Aust finds himself on the run with a band of strangers [Did he just emerge from a coma? When an invasion force is massacring everyone in the city, you run like hell; you don't "find yourself" on the run.] whose only goal is to escape with their lives as Magadan burns to the ground.

ONE NIGHT IN MAGADAN is a fast-paced [That's it? We're done with the plot? Our main character heads for the hills while his city burns to the ground? The Lich Lords win?] [If you wrote Lord of the Rings, Gandalf's fireworks would burn Hobbiton to ashes at the beginning, Frodo would die in the flames, and Sauron would rule Middle Earth by chapter three.] [Assuming one of the following happens after the invasion, it deserves a paragraph in the query:

1. They escape and plot Magadan's revenge on the Lich Lords.
2. They're captured, tortured and impaled in what's left of the city square.
3. They escape and form a traveling minstrel show, achieving moderate success including an appearance on Letterman.
4. Aust wakes up and says, "Man, I gotta stop eating Lorraine's chilidogs at bedtime."]

80,000 word [80,000 words about one night? Is this a trilogy, with One morning in Magadan and One Afternoon in Magadan yet to come?] “low fantasy” novel for an adult audience. It is the story of the worst night of Aust’s life, a tale of friendships formed and loves lost in a whirlwind of nightmare and disaster. It is a story of death and sacrifice, of faith in the face of overwhelming darkness, and the choices people make when all hope is gone. [I call it low fantasy because it's a downer.] [Fantasy types based on height:

high fantasy
eye-level fantasy
low fantasy
shallow grave fantasy
pit of hell fantasy]

I would be happy to send the current complete draft of the novel for you to review. Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,


Notes

I don't expect happily ever after in everything I read, but if you describe your book using words like nightmare and disaster, death, overwhelming darkness, all hope is gone, etc., and the book basically recounts the worst night of the main character's life, and the main character is just a common minstrel, what's the selling point? Couldn't you at least make him an uncommon minstrel? I'm more likely to wade through the worst night of Bob Dylan's life than that of some guy with a garage band in Scarsborough.


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...At this point, I'd pass on reading it because there's simply nothing in the query that sounds particularly exciting (which I suspect can't really be the case if you have an eternal war between good and evil going on). Give us more.


Whirlochre said...The plot you've outlined is the very very start of something — something that might sound interesting if you'd told us what it was. Aidan vs his enemies of old. That's all I have so far. It's an OK setup — but what happens?


Sarah Laurenson said...I want to write some pit of hell fantasy. Sounds like fun.
I think the query letter is good technically speaking, but the story as presented is not that interesting. You've got the form, now we need the voice and the excitement.


150 said...Ooh. Okay. After reflection I actually think I understand the thrust of this novel. The whole plot is whether he makes it out of the city alive, right? The way the query is phrased, it sounds like he manages to run and then has nothing else to do. Describe it in terms of stakes and obstacles. "In order to avoid being burned alive, Generic Bard must make it through enemy armies, fallen buildings, and a crush of terrified people to escape the hometown that has become a deadly prison."

Scrap all of the generic crap including your tagline and most of the third paragraph. Focus exclusively on Aust and what he's facing.

And change the title to Escape from Magadan, so it sounds more like action than porn.


benwah said...GTP #3 was hysterical.

This sounds like the "Cloverfield" approach: how does Joe Schmoe experience some huge disaster. I suppose it could be interesting if you stress the character (as 150 suggests) and back away from the "epic" nature of things. You've got all set up here. And scrap that first line--evil's inevitably going to win? If it's 80,000 words of shit constantly hitting the fan, at least offer us a chance at a shower afterwards.

What the heck is "low fantasy?"


freddie said...I agree with the above comments. We don't get a sense of what the 'hero' does, except run.


pacatrue said...As someone who once proposed writing a novel about what happens if the Dark Evil Overlord were to ever actually win, I was very interested in this query. I think 150's advice is right on. The main thing is to clarify whether this is the setup or the plot. If the latter, present the obstacles to escape so that we can care about our low fantasy hero.


Ulysses said...All you've told me how and why the story starts. I want to know what happens to the protagonist after that, why it's important to them, and why I should care about it.

I want specifics too, not generalizations or conclusions. If you tell me what happens, then I can judge for myself whether it's "the worst night of Aust’s life, a tale of friendships formed and loves lost in a whirlwind of nightmare and disaster. It is a story of death and sacrifice, of faith in the face of overwhelming darkness, and the choices people make when all hope is gone." Likewise, I'll draw my own conclusions about pacing from the sample pages you send.

"The comestible armies of the Cheese Lord invade Magadan at the height of what's supposed to be a wine tasting. When his girlfriend is transformed into a ravenous Roquefort, musician Aust is forced to choose between consuming her and helping a band of refugees escape the city. The only way to achieve both is to accept transformation into a spicy Emmenthal, but once he does that he knows that no one he loves will be safe."


Tycho B. said...EE: "If you wrote Lord of the Rings, Gandalf's fireworks would burn Hobbiton to ashes at the beginning, Frodo would die in the flames, and Sauron would rule Middle Earth by chapter three."

Funny, that's almost exactly how I described the book to people while I was working on the original draft.

I see I've got some work to do. Thanks for all the tips, guys.

Even though I've got a fantasy setting, this book is more "Night of the Living Dead" than "LotR". It's kind of got the horror movie plot structure: group of characters stuck in a (haunted house/zombie-infested mall/city overrun by monsters) fight off the bad guys and fight among themselves until they start getting killed off one by one. I didn’t go further into the plot because I was afraid that to do so I’d have to introduce 5 more characters in the query letter.

Question: Should I do that anyway? Aust comes across as kind of a bland “everyman” at first glance, and his comrades are a little more colorful.

As for the Cloverfield thing: I still haven’t watched it, but I saw the trailer halfway through my 2nd draft, and I remember thinking something like “Those F$%#ing bastards! That’s my novel!”

Oh well. So it goes.

FYI: “Low fantasy” is the sub-genre that deals with mercenaries, cutthroats, thieves, and scumbags, as opposed to “High fantasy” which deals with magical princes, Chosen Ones, and happy happy hobbitses who save the universe. Since no one seems to get that, though, I guess I’ll drop the qualifier.


Evil Editor said...Dark fantasy might be better. Low, according to Wikipedia, has some similarities to your story, but doesn't have the clear-cut evil/good dichotomy of high fantasy. In view of your first sentence, I would guess you do have it. Also, low fantasy has minimal or no magic, while magic seems to be the key to Magadan being overrun.


talpianna said...You have violated the linguistic aesthetic:

Aidan is Gaelic.
Trevanik is vaguely Slavic.
Lich is Old English and means "corpse."
Aust is a brand of air freshener.

Silver-Nosed One: If you are writing the prose version of a slasher movie, you forgot one major character--the one they find when they investigate a noise in the cellar: "It's Only, a cat."


Tycho B. said...In my defense, the mixing of linguistics in the names of Magadan natives was a deliberate choice on my part, and in the book I go into Aidan's mixed heritage the first time he's mentioned. (I'm dropping him entirely from my next draft of the query anyway.)
Liches are corpses, of course, but I do confess to having Stan Lee disease - I alliterate too much.

As for Aust: my hand to god I never saw an "Oust" commercial until well after the character's name was fixed in my head. When it did, it pissed me off more than the Cloverfield trailer.

As long as we're on names - yeah, I know there's a real "Magadan" in Siberia. It'll be changed in the next draft - I just liked the way it sounded.

Thanks, All!


Jeb said...I agree that the plot needs more. Specifically, a strong goal for the common minstrel.

Staying alive until dawn is all well and good, but if you don't have something tangible to accomplish, like writing the true history of the Sack of Magadan in blank verse to get you famous in surrounding countries, or smuggling out the magickal whatsit that Magaden has been protecting for a thousand years, why bother? You could just throw yourself off a handy battlement and get it over with.


Phoenix said...I'm seeing Poseidon Adventure here or Earthquake, so I don't necessarily agree the MCs need more of a focus than to get out alive. However, the setup of a group of strangers thrown together in a battle for survival is a familiar one -- take for instance, Poseidon Adventure and Earthquake and that movie where global warming resulted in the icing of America.

So the writing will need to be especially strong and the characters especially memorable. And I'm not sure how much a query can get across characterization. But maybe something like the following, replacing all [the cliche stuff] with the brilliant, unique stuff YOUR story contains.

Sometimes it's the good guys that eat it.

When an army of living corpses is magicked into the bustling metropolis of Magadan, a citywide celebration turns into a slaughtergound.

Caught together by circumstance and trapped in a tavern in the heart of the city, six strangers fight for survival in [a whirlwind of nightmare and disaster]. But even in [the face of overwhelming darkness], [hope and faith flourish]: [a forbidden love flowers, a coward finds courage, and a common minstrel learns that music can be plucked from the strings of the heart as easily as from the strings of his lyre.]

The goal of the six is simple: to live to see another day. The reality: only two will make it through the night.

At 80,000 words, Magadan Twilight is ultimately a story about the choices people make when all hope is lost.

I look forward to sending you the completed manuscript.


Bonnie said...re: the ethnicity of names

People do mix names. My Jewish husband and his siblings all have Americanized Gaelic names. My Chinese neighbor across the street gave his daughters Anglo names while the Anglo couple at the bottom of the hill gave their new daughter a name that's popular in the Brazilian community.

Granted, a fictional world might need more consistency than the real world. It gets held to higher standards.


Tycho B. said...Phoenix: I think you got the gist of where I was going. The threat against the characters is pretty much a constant force throughout the novels, and the plot develops not from a series of obstacles or hunting for a McGuffin, but from the conflicts and interactions of the characters themselves.

As far as giving Aust a more concrete goal, I'm going to make it more explicit in the next draft of the query that he's not just running away from the bad guys, but he's actually trying to guide the other characters out of harm's way, and that in addition to trying to save himself, he's also leading as many others as he can out of the city.

Also, your suggestion for a title change actually comes pretty close to the one I thought of last night while recovering from my Evil Editing. "Nightfall in Majadan", take two, coming soon to a blog near you!

Oh yeah, I'm changing the 'g' to a 'j', just to avoid confusing those in eastern Russia.


Jeb said..."At 80,000 words, Magadan Twilight is ultimately a story about the choices people make when all hope is lost."


Pithy. Well played, phoenix.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Siatcha

1. Daniel and his beloved pet rat Siatcha adventure across the wilds of Ambrogia, meeting strange creatures and people. When they befriend the Black Witch, she undoes an ancient curse, returning Siatcha to human form and Daniel and Siatcha finally enjoy each other's love.

2. Only the Siatcha can end the curse of the descending skin, but the Siatcha resides in the cannibalistic lands, and is himself cursed with the curse and has no intention of solving the curse. Which means the world will end. Unless . . .

3. Siatcha plays Pelé in an old-timers' one-on-one charity soccer match. When Siatcha elbows Pelé in the eye, the crowd moans, but thinks it an accident. After two more "accidents," and Siatcha kicking Pelé where the sun don't shine, the crowd storms the field. Will Brazil and Argentina go to war?

4. When Siatcha winds up in a mental ward after a suicide attempt, she meets a mysterious songwriter who turns out to be Sondheim's bastard son. After a lifetime enduring endless jokes about her odd name, now her name is the beloved title of Sondheim's new play, Gotcha Siatcha. Suddenly life isn't so bad after all. Also, a deranged bartender.

5. Buck Carson rides into Siatcha on a rented mule and announces he's the new law in Western Alberta. Can Earnest Evergood, the newest Mountie, wrangle his posse and save the town of Flintwhistle?

6. Lily always wanted to be a writer, but was too shy to submit. Her roommate Siatcha submits one of her manuscripts without telling Lily. Before she knows it her book is being represented by powerhouse agent Polly Trautwein. How can she pay Siatcha back, when she's just murdered her?


Original Version

Dear Perfect Agent,

Minya lived the choice life as a child of the Godking, first king of the god-like Choseli. [This is one of those first-sentence rejects for EE, even though it's not full of errors. Other editors might read on.] But when a strange cursed skin begins to descend upon the Choseli, [A skin? Descends on them? Now you've lost the rest of us.] causing them to either go mad and kill others or kill themselves, Minya's perfect world is shattered. The curse won't disappear, [Actually the Curse will disappear when Minya's about fifty, but by then she'll have killed many people.] and if one kills a Cursed, he'll get the curse and instantly go mad and kill others. The only way to stop the killing was through suicide. With Minya's brother already dead and her father next, she would sacrifice anything to keep the last of her family [Herself.] alive.

So when a rumored cure called the Siatcha is said to reside in the cannibalistic lands of the Ryakes, Minya defies reason and races to get it. But Minya doesn't find a magical object as she had expected. Instead, she finds the Siatcha to be a man named Jaden, [How does Minya know Jaden is the Siatcha? Is Jaden a cannibal?] cursed with the same curse, and who has no intention of solving the curse. [This is a gag query, right?]

Jaden is running from a past he wishes never existed, trying to find the one woman he had lost. All Jaden wants is a happy ending, but the Choseli require him dead, the Ryakes desperately want him back, [Of course they want him back; Jaden's on tonight's menu.] and the humans need his help. It's only the curse that keeps them all at bay. [Do the Ryakes eat other Ryakes? What are Ryakes? I would think there'd be a lot of tension living in a cannibalistic society. You don't want to eat your best friend, but you're not sure he's got the same moral fiber you have. Or how much fiber eating him would add to your diet.]

Minya, torn between saving her father and helping the tortured man she's begun to know, realizes that Jaden is the key to everyone's dreams, but she wants his dreams to come true, too [, preferably before he shows up at her door wearing a bib and carrying a salt shaker.] Yet every day, the curse drives Jaden closer and closer to madness, and if he ever lost control, not only would he lose his last hope, but the world would end. [The world would end? Why?]

Siatcha is a 110,000 word YA fantasy novel. I currently reside in the USA, but routinely live abroad because of work. This is my first novel and I'd be happy to send a partial or full manuscript at your request. Thank you and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

The solution is obvious. Round up all the Cursed and lock them in a building. Come back later and they'll all be dead. Except possibly one. If the last one doesn't commit suicide, someone kills him and then we wait and see if that guy commits suicide. Sooner or later the only Cursed still alive turns out to be one of the suicidal ones. Problem solved. Unless some more skin descends.

Siatcha makes me think of a cross between Sasquatch and Satchmo. Sort of a 9-foot-tall cannibalistic jazz trumpeter.

If the Choseli want Jaden dead, and they're truly god-like, why don't they kill him? You didn't see Zeus sitting on his hands wishing someone would die of old age. Gods take action.

Cannibal 1: I hate my sister-in-law.
Cannibal 2: So try the asparagus.

Start over from scratch. Send us what you come up with after hearing the minions' advice.


Selected Comments

Dave F. said...Young Adults want to read about other young adults. Preferably YA with some teen angst - dating, parents, teen strife, coming to terms with adulthood and authority.

So your query has to somehow fit into that mold (not mold as in cheese, mold as in the device that creates a statue).

Minya's family bears a terrible curse. According to the curse, they must suffer disfigurement and death or become psychopathic killers.

I just can't bring myself to say: Minya must search for a cure in a land of cannibals. That turns me off as contrived. Perhaps the query shouldn't focus on cannibals.

So let's make it: Minya must search for her only possible cure in a foreign land where she finds the apostate, Jaden. Jaden knows how the curse came into being and how it all must end.

That sounds cryptic and you better change it into something better in the query.

Can Minya save herself and Jaden? Or will the curse destroy her family and the country she loves?)

If I wanted to be a smart ass, I'd add "Film at eleven." But I don't want to do that. You have a novel here and (sorry to be blunt) this query doesn't work.

Step back from the story details and figure out what Minya's journey is all about. How does she struggle and grow up in the story. What is her interaction with Jaden? Is he her lover? How does Minya lift the curse? Those are the elements of the story that belong in the query.

I'm hoping that other minions have better advice or better insight here.


WouldBe said...How about veil of despair instead of descending skin? I suggest you find a way to simplify the query. Don't make the agent or editor struggle; they won't.


Khazar-khum said...Does the skin just drop out of the sky, land on people, envelop them in its cursed nastiness, and then drive them nuts? Or is it a metaphor for something else?


pjd said...I currently reside in the USA, but routinely live abroad because of work.

I think you should present this as a memoir. Minya has to travel to the cannibalistic land, you routinely live abroad... not that far off, given the recent trends in memoirs. (By the way, this should read "... but I routinely....")

The Choseli require him dead, the Ryakes desperately want him back, and the humans need his help.

Wait a minute. Humans? When did humans come into this? Are they cursed, too? Are any of the named characters human?

I don't get the whole god-like Choseli, descending skin thing, or why Jaden is a cure if he himself has the curse. Also, I don't get why Minya is interested in helping Jaden reach his happy ending. Here he's got the fate of the world in his hands, and he's more interested in crying into his beer about some wench who dumped him. Loser.

I would probably like this more if Minya had to search in the land of cannabis instead of the land of cannibals.


benwah said...This may be the first time I didn't think any of the GTPs were real.

The first two sentences make no sense to me. "Cursed skin." Like on pudding? Are we talking leprosy here? Or is it like an animal skin?

Why is the MC the only one heading off to cannibalistic lands to hunt a cure? Particularly since I'm under the impression that Minya is not an adult.

"Jaden is...trying to find the one woman he had lost. All Jaden wants is a happy ending." This sounds perilously like a trip through the alleys of Amsterdam's red light district.

Why is the fact that you live in the States but travel abroad of relevance to your query? Unless this is a Joseph Conrad book.


Whirlochre said...I can't figure out what's going on here at all, and your overuse of the word 'curse' has me thinking I've been hexed.

I'm guessing there's mystery in this novel, which is fine, but this is way too mysterious for a query. It's almost as if you're falling over yourself to be clear about the mysteriousness of your book.

Anyone old/young enough to read YA will know that Jaden is in fact the star of the massively popular Yu-Gi-Oh GX cartoon series, so unless you wish to remind them of this other fantasy universe as you spell out details of your own, I'd change the name.

I have no idea whether you can solve a curse or if lands can be cannibalistic, but I do think this query could be made clearer.


pacatrue said...I say this a bunch, but perhaps try writing down a single sentence that represents the climax of the book. Now the agent/editor needs to understand what takes the protagonist to that point. It sounds like you need Minya and Jaden and the curse. Anything else an absolute must? Try writing the one paragraph version that just has those three items and ends with the climax. Then fill it out to the full query format.


Scott from Oregon said...There was that one cannibal who passed the tourist in the jungle...


talpianna said...I think I've figured out the descending-skin thing: the Choseli actually live in the Ryakes' organic-waste trash container (they recycle), and they discard the skin and other fatty parts of the people they cook (they watch their weight).


Julie Weathers said...Off the top of my head, this is too long for YA. It has too many yuck elements that aren't going to appeal to children and parents. Kids like gross stuff, but it has to be presented well. As a parent, I'm probably not going to invest in a book where suicide is the only option to escape something.


Jess said...Dude, what? Doesn't this mean that Jaden himself is mad? And won't he give the curse to this chick he's trying to find, or is it only communicable through descent of cursed skin and not person-to-person?


writtenwyrdd said...I have no idea what your story is about either, author. It also sounds depressing. Really depressing, not my cup of tea as a YA reader.
What your letter's biggest problem is in my opinion is that you are dancing around the facts instead of giving them to us. Telling the specifics in a query is a good thing. It tells people what your story is and gets them interested in reading it. Don't be coy; say why Jaden/Siatcha isn't interested in ending the curse, why the Choselli want him dead, etc.

Also, be careful of wordiness and streamline your sentences.

I'd have to see more about this book before I'd be willing to say I wouldn't want to read it, but so far it's not interesting me.


talpianna said...Is this one of those books like many cozy mystery novels in which recipes are given in the back?