Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Siatcha

1. Daniel and his beloved pet rat Siatcha adventure across the wilds of Ambrogia, meeting strange creatures and people. When they befriend the Black Witch, she undoes an ancient curse, returning Siatcha to human form and Daniel and Siatcha finally enjoy each other's love.

2. Only the Siatcha can end the curse of the descending skin, but the Siatcha resides in the cannibalistic lands, and is himself cursed with the curse and has no intention of solving the curse. Which means the world will end. Unless . . .

3. Siatcha plays Pelé in an old-timers' one-on-one charity soccer match. When Siatcha elbows Pelé in the eye, the crowd moans, but thinks it an accident. After two more "accidents," and Siatcha kicking Pelé where the sun don't shine, the crowd storms the field. Will Brazil and Argentina go to war?

4. When Siatcha winds up in a mental ward after a suicide attempt, she meets a mysterious songwriter who turns out to be Sondheim's bastard son. After a lifetime enduring endless jokes about her odd name, now her name is the beloved title of Sondheim's new play, Gotcha Siatcha. Suddenly life isn't so bad after all. Also, a deranged bartender.

5. Buck Carson rides into Siatcha on a rented mule and announces he's the new law in Western Alberta. Can Earnest Evergood, the newest Mountie, wrangle his posse and save the town of Flintwhistle?

6. Lily always wanted to be a writer, but was too shy to submit. Her roommate Siatcha submits one of her manuscripts without telling Lily. Before she knows it her book is being represented by powerhouse agent Polly Trautwein. How can she pay Siatcha back, when she's just murdered her?


Original Version

Dear Perfect Agent,

Minya lived the choice life as a child of the Godking, first king of the god-like Choseli. [This is one of those first-sentence rejects for EE, even though it's not full of errors. Other editors might read on.] But when a strange cursed skin begins to descend upon the Choseli, [A skin? Descends on them? Now you've lost the rest of us.] causing them to either go mad and kill others or kill themselves, Minya's perfect world is shattered. The curse won't disappear, [Actually the Curse will disappear when Minya's about fifty, but by then she'll have killed many people.] and if one kills a Cursed, he'll get the curse and instantly go mad and kill others. The only way to stop the killing was through suicide. With Minya's brother already dead and her father next, she would sacrifice anything to keep the last of her family [Herself.] alive.

So when a rumored cure called the Siatcha is said to reside in the cannibalistic lands of the Ryakes, Minya defies reason and races to get it. But Minya doesn't find a magical object as she had expected. Instead, she finds the Siatcha to be a man named Jaden, [How does Minya know Jaden is the Siatcha? Is Jaden a cannibal?] cursed with the same curse, and who has no intention of solving the curse. [This is a gag query, right?]

Jaden is running from a past he wishes never existed, trying to find the one woman he had lost. All Jaden wants is a happy ending, but the Choseli require him dead, the Ryakes desperately want him back, [Of course they want him back; Jaden's on tonight's menu.] and the humans need his help. It's only the curse that keeps them all at bay. [Do the Ryakes eat other Ryakes? What are Ryakes? I would think there'd be a lot of tension living in a cannibalistic society. You don't want to eat your best friend, but you're not sure he's got the same moral fiber you have. Or how much fiber eating him would add to your diet.]

Minya, torn between saving her father and helping the tortured man she's begun to know, realizes that Jaden is the key to everyone's dreams, but she wants his dreams to come true, too [, preferably before he shows up at her door wearing a bib and carrying a salt shaker.] Yet every day, the curse drives Jaden closer and closer to madness, and if he ever lost control, not only would he lose his last hope, but the world would end. [The world would end? Why?]

Siatcha is a 110,000 word YA fantasy novel. I currently reside in the USA, but routinely live abroad because of work. This is my first novel and I'd be happy to send a partial or full manuscript at your request. Thank you and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

The solution is obvious. Round up all the Cursed and lock them in a building. Come back later and they'll all be dead. Except possibly one. If the last one doesn't commit suicide, someone kills him and then we wait and see if that guy commits suicide. Sooner or later the only Cursed still alive turns out to be one of the suicidal ones. Problem solved. Unless some more skin descends.

Siatcha makes me think of a cross between Sasquatch and Satchmo. Sort of a 9-foot-tall cannibalistic jazz trumpeter.

If the Choseli want Jaden dead, and they're truly god-like, why don't they kill him? You didn't see Zeus sitting on his hands wishing someone would die of old age. Gods take action.

Cannibal 1: I hate my sister-in-law.
Cannibal 2: So try the asparagus.

Start over from scratch. Send us what you come up with after hearing the minions' advice.


Selected Comments

Dave F. said...Young Adults want to read about other young adults. Preferably YA with some teen angst - dating, parents, teen strife, coming to terms with adulthood and authority.

So your query has to somehow fit into that mold (not mold as in cheese, mold as in the device that creates a statue).

Minya's family bears a terrible curse. According to the curse, they must suffer disfigurement and death or become psychopathic killers.

I just can't bring myself to say: Minya must search for a cure in a land of cannibals. That turns me off as contrived. Perhaps the query shouldn't focus on cannibals.

So let's make it: Minya must search for her only possible cure in a foreign land where she finds the apostate, Jaden. Jaden knows how the curse came into being and how it all must end.

That sounds cryptic and you better change it into something better in the query.

Can Minya save herself and Jaden? Or will the curse destroy her family and the country she loves?)

If I wanted to be a smart ass, I'd add "Film at eleven." But I don't want to do that. You have a novel here and (sorry to be blunt) this query doesn't work.

Step back from the story details and figure out what Minya's journey is all about. How does she struggle and grow up in the story. What is her interaction with Jaden? Is he her lover? How does Minya lift the curse? Those are the elements of the story that belong in the query.

I'm hoping that other minions have better advice or better insight here.


WouldBe said...How about veil of despair instead of descending skin? I suggest you find a way to simplify the query. Don't make the agent or editor struggle; they won't.


Khazar-khum said...Does the skin just drop out of the sky, land on people, envelop them in its cursed nastiness, and then drive them nuts? Or is it a metaphor for something else?


pjd said...I currently reside in the USA, but routinely live abroad because of work.

I think you should present this as a memoir. Minya has to travel to the cannibalistic land, you routinely live abroad... not that far off, given the recent trends in memoirs. (By the way, this should read "... but I routinely....")

The Choseli require him dead, the Ryakes desperately want him back, and the humans need his help.

Wait a minute. Humans? When did humans come into this? Are they cursed, too? Are any of the named characters human?

I don't get the whole god-like Choseli, descending skin thing, or why Jaden is a cure if he himself has the curse. Also, I don't get why Minya is interested in helping Jaden reach his happy ending. Here he's got the fate of the world in his hands, and he's more interested in crying into his beer about some wench who dumped him. Loser.

I would probably like this more if Minya had to search in the land of cannabis instead of the land of cannibals.


benwah said...This may be the first time I didn't think any of the GTPs were real.

The first two sentences make no sense to me. "Cursed skin." Like on pudding? Are we talking leprosy here? Or is it like an animal skin?

Why is the MC the only one heading off to cannibalistic lands to hunt a cure? Particularly since I'm under the impression that Minya is not an adult.

"Jaden is...trying to find the one woman he had lost. All Jaden wants is a happy ending." This sounds perilously like a trip through the alleys of Amsterdam's red light district.

Why is the fact that you live in the States but travel abroad of relevance to your query? Unless this is a Joseph Conrad book.


Whirlochre said...I can't figure out what's going on here at all, and your overuse of the word 'curse' has me thinking I've been hexed.

I'm guessing there's mystery in this novel, which is fine, but this is way too mysterious for a query. It's almost as if you're falling over yourself to be clear about the mysteriousness of your book.

Anyone old/young enough to read YA will know that Jaden is in fact the star of the massively popular Yu-Gi-Oh GX cartoon series, so unless you wish to remind them of this other fantasy universe as you spell out details of your own, I'd change the name.

I have no idea whether you can solve a curse or if lands can be cannibalistic, but I do think this query could be made clearer.


pacatrue said...I say this a bunch, but perhaps try writing down a single sentence that represents the climax of the book. Now the agent/editor needs to understand what takes the protagonist to that point. It sounds like you need Minya and Jaden and the curse. Anything else an absolute must? Try writing the one paragraph version that just has those three items and ends with the climax. Then fill it out to the full query format.


Scott from Oregon said...There was that one cannibal who passed the tourist in the jungle...


talpianna said...I think I've figured out the descending-skin thing: the Choseli actually live in the Ryakes' organic-waste trash container (they recycle), and they discard the skin and other fatty parts of the people they cook (they watch their weight).


Julie Weathers said...Off the top of my head, this is too long for YA. It has too many yuck elements that aren't going to appeal to children and parents. Kids like gross stuff, but it has to be presented well. As a parent, I'm probably not going to invest in a book where suicide is the only option to escape something.


Jess said...Dude, what? Doesn't this mean that Jaden himself is mad? And won't he give the curse to this chick he's trying to find, or is it only communicable through descent of cursed skin and not person-to-person?


writtenwyrdd said...I have no idea what your story is about either, author. It also sounds depressing. Really depressing, not my cup of tea as a YA reader.
What your letter's biggest problem is in my opinion is that you are dancing around the facts instead of giving them to us. Telling the specifics in a query is a good thing. It tells people what your story is and gets them interested in reading it. Don't be coy; say why Jaden/Siatcha isn't interested in ending the curse, why the Choselli want him dead, etc.

Also, be careful of wordiness and streamline your sentences.

I'd have to see more about this book before I'd be willing to say I wouldn't want to read it, but so far it's not interesting me.


talpianna said...Is this one of those books like many cozy mystery novels in which recipes are given in the back?