Evil Editor's Blog, page 126

Face-Lift 1148

Guess the Plot

Mark from Earth

1. After Mark gets his 200th form rejection he goes to Mars to start querying editors there. But Martians speak English backward in heroic couplets, so Mark will have to--ah, screw it, Mars girls are hot, and easy.

2. In a flip of the campy 80's sitcom, Mark leaves Earth on a mission to Ork. Shazbat! He's in trouble when Bindy takes him as her love slave.

3. If Mark had known that enlisting meant a one-way trip to Anteres, he'd have read the army's fine print. As jobs go, Galactic Emissary doesn't sound bad--until Mark is put on trial for Emperor Zuhl'li's murder.

4. Captain Thunderbird rounds up kids with special gifts from different planets for his academy to battle Prince Asteroid and his deadly Meteorines.

5. After moving to the moon, Mark comes into possession of an object that gives him great power and that could cause a disaster in the wrong hands. Unfortunately, on the moon there are no active volcanoes in which to throw it.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Do agents like a query letter that gets straight to business (As advocated by Queryshark)? Or a long rambling letter (as suggested by so many query writing tip giving sites)? [Your interpretation of what "so many query writing tip giving sites" suggest may be inaccurate. Were those the exact words? "Long rambling letter"? I ask because "long and rambling" is not a complimentary description of a query. They might as well advise you to compose a vague, confusing letter.]

I have two letters: one straight to business, the other a long rambling affair. Tell me, please, do you like to get straight to business, Evil Editor? Or do you prefer a long rambling affair? [This already feels like a long rambling affair, and we haven't even started. And so far I'm not liking it.]

BUSINESS TIME:

Dear [Agent],

Logline:
Mark is the boy from Earth who will need to choose between being a hero. . .and saving his friends. [Saving his friends seems heroic enough. At least to his friends.] [Also, a logline isn't needed in a query.]

Query: [No need to label each section of the letter.]
Mark lives in a dusty Australian town full of sleepy tractors, strict parents, and best friends who keep moving away. He hates it. So, like the trouble-making git he is, he takes his dad's 1942 stunt plane for a daredevil joyride. Naturally, he crashes it.

For some reason ("tenacious spirit" [?] or something), this get's [gets] him recruited to a hidden starfighter academy on the dark side of the moon. [If I were a trouble-making git and someone told me they wanted to send me to the dark side of the moon to a . . . starfighter academy! "Yeah, that's it, a starfighter academy . . ." I would suspect the dark side of the moon is Earth's latest answer to prison overpopulation.] Once there, Mark promptly makes enemies out of snobbish teachers and kids who hate Earthers. [Earthers. Bad enough we're considered the scourge of the galaxy; we're even hated on our own moon.] Thankfully, two people have his back: Lexe, who hates hoverboards, and Heath, who won't stop customizing his hoverboard. [Earthers are either dog people or cat people. Mooners fall into the pro-hoverboard or anti-hoverboard camp.] Together, they haggle with a blackmarket merchant [There seem to be a lot of people on the moon. What are they breathing?] over a hoverboard (for Mark, who desperately wants to ride one). Instead, the perfidious, swarthy little man cons them into a salvage operation at an industrial wasteland. None of them know about the jagged blue cube hidden there, or its guard of freakishly demented droids. ["Demented" is sufficient. I infer "freakishly."] That is, until Mark finds it, succumbs to its promise of power, and filches it. [Where are the freakishly demented droid guards while Mark is filching the cube they're supposedly guarding?] [This cube sounds suspiciously like the Ring of Power.]

Hunted for the cataclysmic power they've uncovered, [It seems to me that if you know a cube has cataclysmic power, you wouldn't store it in an industrial wasteland, guarded by demented droids who suck at guarding stuff. If the cube is intrinsically bad, it should have been rocketed into the sun or dropped into Mount Doom long ago. If it's good if kept in the hands of good people, it should be in an underground vault protected by a force field in a Buddhist monastery.] [Also, if the stakes include a potential cataclysm, I'm wondering why we had so much talk about hoverboards. We could start with three kids at the academy discovering a mysterious cube. An Earth-based book about a nuclear cataclysm may have scenes in which a character is a surfer, but I'd expect the query to focus on more important matters than what brand of fins he should use on his board.] the bickering friends must stick together as they unravel the mystery tied to the cube, even after it turns Mark into their greatest threat. For when the true nemesis steps out of the shadows, she will force Mark to make a choice: use the cube and be the hero…or save his friends. [This is why you don't need a logline. Inevitably you end up saying it anyway.] And he will need to decide quickly. She inked his name into her black book of mistakes. Mistakes she plans to burn. [Why doesn't she use the cube and be the heroine? And whaddaya mean, "use the cube"?] [Calling this being "the true nemesis" is no way to convince me Mark will be a hero if he uses the cube. She sounds perfidious, if not swarthy.]

Specifics:
MARK FROM EARTH. YA SF. 87,000 words.

Thank you for considering,


---------------
A LONG RAMBLING AFFAIR:

Dear [agent],

I dig your style. [What the--?] It speaks to me. [Next query.] You represent Book X. I can appreciate that. My book is like book Y, except my book leaves the toilet bowl steaming…because my book is the hottest shit. Sign me. [You're seriously asking if I or anyone would prefer this to a business letter? This is what you send when your goal is to add to your collection of rejection slips.]

Voice of Mark and friends:
Finn from Adventure Time makes friends with a daring Rory Gilmore and a young Ross Geller. [If that said Uri Geller slips Rory McElroy a Mickey Finn I would at least have some idea what you're talking about.]

Query:
Soon, Mark will be racing on a custom skyboard. He’ll be pranking a paranoid android, throwing shoes at a diabolical alarm clock, and sharing spicy food with friends from orbit colonies. [If you must least some really cool events in the book, come up with more intriguing ones than throwing a shoe at an alarm clock and eating spicy food.] But none of that can happen if he stays stuck on the only planet separated from a galaxy filled with people, the only planet without hoverboards: Earth. [Earth is in its galaxy and it has people. In what way is it separated?] [Hard to believe there are hoverboards on the moon but not on Earth.]

One day, Mark takes his dad’s 1942 stunt plane for a daredevil joyride, and survives crashing it. His tenacious spirit gets him recruited to SPIFF, a hidden starfighter academy on the dark side of the moon. He struggles to make friends at first, but ends up with two friends-for-life: Lexe, whose love of danger is a bad mix with Mark’s troublemaking habits, and Heath, a business-minded kid saving up for his first hovercar. Together, they explore an industrial wasteland where demented droids guard a jagged blue cube. That is, until Mark succumbs to the cube’s whispered promises of making him a hero, and takes it. Hunted by half-augmented humans, the trio must fight to unravel the mystery of the cube, even after it turns Mark into their greatest threat. For when the true nemesis steps out of the shadows, she will force him to make a choice: use the cube and be a hero…or save his new friends. [This paragraph (divided into three paragraphs) isn't bad, but I want to know why Mark's friends are in danger if he doesn't use the cube, and what happens if he does use it that makes him a hero.]

Style:
Douglas Adams and J.K. Rowling walk into a bar. [Christ. Here we go again.] They sit down to tea and create worlds. After four years and myriad empty cups, a whole world comes to life: Quirky professors teach curious subjects, lunchboxes instantly make food, and one paranoid android runs around with a fire extinguisher. Doug and Jo, discussing fears and dark ambitions, then write an elegant nemesis— A woman whose fascinating rise to power is revealed over the six books to follow. [That's a lot of space wasted on something that seems to have little to do with "style." Most writers would just say the style is "Douglas Adams meets J.K. Rowling," which is just as irritating, but mercifully briefer.]

Specifics:
MARK FROM EARTH is a YA science fiction novel complete at 87,000.

Author:
Is the next J.K. Rowling. [Ouch.] Pub credits include: 7th grade science project. I got a gold star. Also: everyone loves my book. Angels cry. [If you wish to show that the book is filled with this type of humor, do so in the plot description.]


Notes

All I'm looking for is a summary of the book that makes me want to spend time with the characters and lose myself in their story. In a  letter that shows me the author can write well. In other words, I don't want the query to entertain me; I want it to convince me that the book will entertain me.

I wouldn't call the second version "rambling." "Annoying" would be a better description.

The story might be better for middle grade than YA.

If something is a cube, can it be jagged? It sounds to me like calling a circle oblong or a cone cylindrical.

Click strip to enlarge.

Click strip to enlarge.

New Beginning 1013

"I want a divorce.” Ruby stared at the ceiling from her bed as she listened to the creaky furnace kick on. She inhaled on a non-filtered cigarette and blew a plume of smoke out between her lips as frozen slush bounced off the window above her head. The evening before had started with clear skies and diamond bright stars.

“You’ve got to be kidding? We’re not even legally married.” The love of Ruby’s life swung out of the bed they shared, bare feet hit the floor, and stepped into a pair of plain boxers.

She glanced over as her partner pulled on a stained wife-beater. “Whatever—you’ve cheated again, and I can’t stand it. What about the children? Did you ever think of them?” Ruby paused and studied the muscles rippling beneath the under shirt. “When are you going to grow up?”

The flick of a lighter and bubbles through a water pipe answered her question.

“I hate you.” This wasn’t the first time Ruby found out about an indiscretion. Over the past three years she had found evidence of at least five affairs--which she knew of. “Don’t you have anything to say to me?”

"Yeah, I've got this to say," came the reply, followed by a long toke on the bong. Ruby guessed this might take a while. She knew there was at least an ounce of weed in baggies on the dresser, not counting any she didn't know about.

"You want a divorce, well now you can have a divorce. We can go down to City Hall, get married, and then file for divorce, just like anyone else." The pipe bubbled again as a red glow swelled and ebbed. A note of pride tinged Amber's giggle as she added, "The Supreme Court of the US of A says we're as worthy of divorce as any of those straight bastards."


Opening: Kregger.....Continuation: John

Face-Lift 1147

Guess the Plot

The Value of a Life

1. 243 Euro. That's what Carmen sold for in the auction. Her Master, billionaire Storm Thunderson, has so much to teach the nubile Carmen. Firstly, never to launder his wool suits. Secondly, that closet ain't gonna clean itself!

2. $1.28. That's what video game hero George the Skateboarding Panda collects every time he adorably knocks over a pedestrian in his popular arcade game. But now George has become obsessed with wondering what he would be worth were anyone ever to knock him down. And so begins a downward spiral of increasingly risky stunts and sex addiction.

3. $72.96. That's what Bob Bradley left in the locker at the airport. Not the $25000  Bradley paid a hit man to take out his wife. And that's a shame because Roman Pedowsky, aka the Bat, will get paid...one way or another.

4. A plugged nickel. That's what broadcaster Anders Norton's life isn't worth after he receives a file proving that someone has been forging government transmissions sent to the Vesta Terraforming Colony. Now he just needs to figure out what's going on and stop it unless it doesn't need stopping.

5. $2,000,000. That's the size of the advance Bill's 253k-word first novel lands him, three weeks before his penthouse terrace trampoline sends him down to the street. Was it his wife who moved it closer to the edge? Or her lover?

6. Less than the cost of a latte at Starbucks. That's the answer Johnny comes up with when his philosophy professor ask what the value of a life is, and Johnny takes the question as an assignment and renders a homeless man into his molecular elements.

7. It's kind of a weird assignment, thought Harold after getting "The Value of a Life" for homework in Dr Felsner's Calculus class. When he goes to turn it in, though, no one in the Math Department has ever heard of Dr Felsner. And the classrooms all look different.

8. Vampire Joann runs an auction house auctioning orphaned children to vampires. They feed on the children’s blood. But new government regulations require daycare. It’s expensive. Then Dr. Vlad opens a phlebotomy lab across the street, selling cheap biohazard blood. Bids for children plummet. Can Joann make ends meet by taking a night job at the convenience store?

9. When the headless, handless body of a young black man is found in a burning car on MLK Blvd, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things. One, those tattoos identify him as local wannabe rapper Mea Nea. Two, considering how easy it was to identify the body, maybe he should tell his slacker nephew to get that stupid anime tat he's been after.

10. Evan suffers an existential crisis when his wife leaves him for his brother. Soggy with booze, he's fired from his job. After he's evicted he meets Shayla, the new tenant, and something clicks. Can he convince her to take a chance on love, or will she think he's just looking for a place to crash?



Original Version

[Dear Evil Editor,

Below is a query for analysis and all around destruction on your website. The title is based on the colony's government system, which assigns a numeric value to each citizen that reflects their contribution and social worth]


Anders B. Norton never planned to start a revolution. Sure, he knows life on the Vesta Terraforming Colony isn't fair. [Even if this is an homage to Andre Norton, consider changing the character's name.] But when he sweated his way up to a job at the Colonial Broadcast Network Anders thought all that unfairness would finally tip in his favor.

Then someone fed him a file proving the government had been forging transmissions supposedly from Earth. Now the Council of Tens [So named because they're trying to get the Colony to switch to the decimal system.] is working to make sure Anders doesn't stay free, or alive, long enough to find out why. [He works for the Colonial Broadcast Network. If they report that the government is forging transmissions, a swarm of reporters will start looking into the "why" and the Council will have no motive to eliminate Norton.] [Unless the Council somehow know that neither Norton nor the person who sent him the file has sent copies to anyone else, hunting down Norton seems futile. It's like if Mrs. Varmighan put a nude photo of Evil Editor on her web site and I made her take it down, it would still be on TMZ tomorrow.]

Anders cuts his ID chip and flees to the lower districts. He’s got a plan that could win him both revenge and redemption. [Does it involve sending the file to someone who isn't on the run so they can discover the secrets behind the Earth Transmissions?] All he needs is to discover the secrets behind the Earth Transmissions. [They call him Lone Wolf Norton.] Problem is his new allies: a young idealist, an aging hacker, and a former agent of the Council all have very different ideas of what to do with the information once it’s uncovered. Some of those plans could mean unraveling the systems that keep the colony running.

[Idealist: We should send the info to WikiLeaks.
Hacker: We should extort millions from the Council.
Ex-agent of Council: We should destroy the file and forget this ever happened and I should kill all of you so you don't talk about it in your sleep.

This ex-agent doesn't already know why his employers were forging transmissions? I thought sure the ex-agent was either the one who was doing the forging or the one who sent Norton the file.]

Cornered and uncertain who to trust, [Aging hackers are always trustworthy. Never trust an idealist or an ex-agent. Or a youthful hacker.] Anders has to decide how far he’s willing to go to get his revenge. [That's the second time you've mentioned revenge. Usually you seek revenge after you've been wronged. He's basically trying to be a whistleblower (although, as he hasn't yet discovered why the Council was forging transmissions, he can't even be sure whether they're heroes or villains). He wants revenge on the Council for . . . trying to stop him from finding out what they're up to? That he also wants redemption suggests they've unjustly discredited him as a broadcaster. If true, it's something you ought to include so the revenge and redemption ideas make more sense.]

THE VALUE OF A LIFE is a 90,000 word Science Fiction novel with series potential. I have included [that stuff the agent asked for].

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best,


Notes

Now that the ex-agent, the hacker and the idealist all know about the file (along with everyone they've told and everyone who reads their blogs and Twitter feeds), is the Council still trying to just eliminate Norton?

I think I would like this better if Norton already knew the motivation for sending the forged transmissions or if you told us what was in the transmissions so we could infer what's at stake. Are they forged letters from home, designed to trick the colonists into believing Earth still exists when in fact it was destroyed months ago? Everything centers around those transmissions, and we don't know who's receiving them or what's in them. 

That they assign everyone a numeric value apparently isn't important enough to be mentioned in the query? Is it the job of the Council of Tens to assign values from 1 to 10? I assume it's not 0 to 10; if you had enough initiative to go all the way to the Vesta Terraforming Colony only to be told the value of your contribution and social worth was 0, you'd be too depressed to live.

New Beginning 1012

“Penarddun verch Morfudd! The reception begins in less than two hours and you are still dressed in that, that …”

Penny jumped and the sleek, Bakelite horn in her hand crashed to the marble floor. The voice boomed like the voice of a god. Or the voice of her uncle and boss, archdruid and head of the Madocian Institution of Arts and Sciences. Same thing, really. And it was true that if she showed up at the opening social event of the year in a capacious men’s overall and dingy white plimsolls, her mam would have her head on a plate.

“Plenty of time for me to change, Uncle. It’s just that there’s something wreaking havoc with my narration for the Cauldron of Rebirth. I recorded a lovely piece, how King Bran received it from the Otherworld in ancient times, how Prince Madoc brought it with him to these shores from Wales in 1170, how it saved the Allied Forces in the Great War by reanimating our fallen warriors, all recited in my most mellifluous tones and … well, listen to it now!”

She propped the horn back in its holder and pushed a button on the stand. A screech of feedback burst from the speaker, a mindless giggle, and ...

...Elvis somersaulted through a momentarily radiant rainbow portal, his pelvis gyrating with the nervous glee of a pre-Prom cheerleader shot through with a thousand volts of hot cattle prod action, his hair slicked back as if coiffured by angels with Don Cheney’s infamous saliva-drenched comb and 50ml of prime coipu sebaceous gland extract.

The reincarnated 50s icon of rebellious crooning and cheesy movie fame brushed down his lime tuxedo and approached Penny and her uncle.

“There’s big trouble brewing in Ffestiniog — and only a full stage production of Heartbreak Hotel at the Wales Millennium Centre in Cardiff will save both your dreams of oratory success and the fate of the kingdom of RuthMadoc in one fell Barry John swoop.”

As the onLlookers Llooked on, Elvis paused for dramatic effect masquerading as melodrama dressed as comic relief.

“Or shall we put the goddamn show on in Swansea? Or Llanfairfechan? Or Betwsy-coed?”

Penny leapt like a gambolling Snowdonian lamb and cLlapped her hands with glee. “It’s the perfect solution for our dilemma, Mr Prestatynley! And while we’re at it, let’s ditch all these ludicrously outdated Bakelite funnel effects and get hip to the point of acetabulum with a dinkily happ’nin’ bunch of spanking new Nexus 7 2s...” 


Opening: Unknown.....Continuation: Whirlochre

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

The Gem City

1. After several failed attempts at finding The Emerald City, Dorothy takes her complaints somewhere less prestigious.

2. A young girl named Doris is swept up in a hurricane and deposited in the land of Iz. Can she and her new friends, the Straw Hobo, the Aluminum Lumberjack and the Tentative Tiger reach the Gem City to plead their case to the Marvelous Magician of Iz?

3. At Gem City University, a deranged demigod imprisoned for eternity is accidentally released. Legendary superheroes The Companions come out of retirement, but aren't strong enough to capture the demigod--until they enlist the aid of . . . The Dreamwonderer.

4. Architect Ted De Beers has heard all the criticism, but he believes in his cutting edge designs. The Gem City will make his name--if he can find a cost-effective way to construct buildings out of emeralds, diamonds and rubies.

5. When homicide Detective Zack Martinez is summoned to the Gem City, a huge wholesale jewelry building, he knows two things: he'll run into his ex-wife at her boutique, and he'd better bring his new wife some earrings.

6. Eve Summer stows away on hunky Rake Crenshaw's single-engine plane, only to find out too late that he's headed for the Amazon to find the fabled lost "Gem City." Can Rake save her from her ex-husband's mob buddies hot on her tail? And if he does, can he convince her that an emerald makes a fine engagement ring?


Original Version

I'm excited to be submitting my 132 000 word novel THE GEM CITY, a urban fantasy novel set in Gem City, a metropolis populated by the descendents of archetypes and fictitious personalities from Earth's literature and mythology. The city awakes to the light of a rising moon that fills the sky and sleeps during the terrifying hours of All Dark. [AKA night.] [Both of those sentences have similar problems. In the first I can't tell if it's descendants of both archetypes and fictional personalities or if it's current fictional personalities and descendents of archetypes. In the second, I can't tell if it's the city that wakes and sleeps or if it's the moon's light that both fills the sky and sleeps.]

After an eventful evening in the Underworks collecting folklore for a school lecture, MATTY- a Shadow Elemental training at the Gem City University- accidentally releases TRIVERA, a deranged demigod believed imprisoned for eternity by the legendary Companions. [You know how on your computer, when you try to delete a file it asks you if you really want to delete that file? There should be a safeguard in the Gem City University Underworks that says, Are you sure you want to release a deranged demigod into the world?] This forces the Companions out of retirement and Matty is astonished to discover the ordinary people from his life- his professor, uncle and his own father- make up the legendary Companions. But the [legendary] Companions are told that if they once again pursue this foe from their pasts, they will be defeated. [Told by whom? A minion of Trivera? A fortune teller?]

When Trivera kidnaps the Moon goddess, FALCO, whose magical power set him aside greatly from the other Nobles he calls family, decides he owes this goddess much for befriending and helping him as a child. [Precede "Falco" with a descriptor, something like, "the wizard." As it is, I can't be sure Falco isn't the moon goddess, whose magic helped Trivera as a child. Better yet, dump the sentence, and make Falco's appearance in the next sentence his introduction.] Falco is brought together with Matty and Elara- the half-dragon child of Matty's uncle- by the Companions, who begrudgingly relinquish their responsibility to this younger generation. [And they call themselves "legendary"? "Washed up" is more like it. This is like the Justice League of America retiring, and turning over the fight against super criminals to the Rugrats.] [Not that the name "Companions," even in their heyday, was likely to strike fear into the hearts of villains:

"My plan has gone perfectly. I need only throw the Switch of Doom, and I will rule the world!

"Not so fast, Captain Evil!"

"Curses! Not again. Not . . . The Companions!]

Defeating Trivera is going to be far more complex than the Companions' prior experience suggests. The young three soon realize that vanquishing Trivera alone will be nearly impossible, and help from two newly arisen entities, the Dreamwonderer and Oracle, [Dreamwonderer? Was I just mocking the name "Companions"?] will be essential. Matty must travel to Earth, the world that dreams his own, [What kind of transportation takes you from your world to the world that dreams your world?] to find the Dreamwonderer, and Falco and Elara must cross through the Lands of the Dead to the Moon to begin the hunt for the Oracle. [How do they know what the Dreamwonderer and Oracle have to offer if they're newly arisen? Finding these characters when all they know is one is on Earth and the other is on the moon is going to require help . . . from GPS-Man! But first they have to find him somewhere in the solar system.] The closer the young trio come to a solution, the further they find themselves from the truth. [The truth about what?] As they uncover more and more of the mysteries behind their respective heritages, they recognize that understanding their pasts is the key to averting the upcoming perils facing Gem City. [Screw understanding their pasts. Imprisoning Trivera is the key to averting the upcoming perils facing Gem City.]

This is a multiple submission. Thank you for considering my submission and look I forward to hearing from you!


Notes

Most of the character names--and the title--seem silly or blah.

What is the source of the moon's light? Why doesn't that source light the world too? Is this world real, or a dream?

What does Matty bring to the table? Do shadow elementals have super powers? The last person I'd want on my team is the klutz who released the demigod.

Matty's uncle married a dragon? Or was it just a fling?

To me, this is all over the place and needs to be reworked. It's not clear enough. Take out the stuff that leads to more questions than it answers. That will leave very little. Then add some clear information. How does the villain escape? What happens if they don't capture him? What powers do they have that might enable them to capture a demigod?

Which characters are fictional personalities (or their descendents) from Earth's literature? Does Atticus Finch's granddaughter meet Holden Caulfield? Or is it more along the lines of Sherlock Holmes teaming up with Thor? An example or two might make the idea cooler to us.


Selected Comments

Bernita said...So, these decendants of legends have to come to the real world and do research (or find Terry Pratchett) to figure out which legendary figure they are descended from so they know which magical power they can use to defeat the deranged demi-god? Holy Golden Bough, Batman! There's a neat story in there somewhere.

blogless_troll said...Personally, I couldn't identify the fictitious ancestors of your characters, but I haven't consumed all of Earth's literature and mythology either. Unless you tie these "descendants" to recognizable fictitious personalities (which you don't in the query), I would drop this all together.

Also, what does the Dreamwonderer wonder about? And how does he/she help vanquish Trifecta? Does he bore him to death with metaphysical introspection?


pjd said...It's way too early in the morning (where I am anyway) to try to imagine the coupling involved to create a "half-dragon child." Egads.

Does Trivera get defeated in the end, or is this the first in a series of live-action Saturday morning shows like Power Rangers? The culmination of all these trials is that the kids learn about their past, and they find that that's important to facing the future perils of the city. Not a real compelling conclusion, unless this is literary fiction, which clearly it's not.

What, exactly, does a Shadow Elemental need to train for? Is this like a readin', ritin', and rithmetic school or more like Rica's sword school where heavenly beings often appear to crown royalty? Or is it supposed to be like Hogwart's in some ways, only full of random mythical/magical creatures? And is there a whole class full of Shadow Elementals taught by an elderly Shadow Elemental, or does the teacher have to be really well schooled in diversity and have to teach all kinds of elementals, half-dragons, demigods, etc.?

Why is the city called The Gem City (is that its name or nickname)? Why is the novel called The Gem City? The story is about Matty and her friends, not about the city, right?

Are there lots of cities in this world, and do they each have their own university? Do Shadow Elementals go on university trips with their parents? Does the university have a football team and offer scholarships? Are there college entrance exams?

And exactly how does one have an "eventful evening" doing research in what sounds like a school library? (OK, I know some people who had extremely eventful evenings in the library in college, but I doubt that's what you mean.)

Sorry, I think I've gotten sidetracked.

Do what EE says. Start over with GTP #3 and put in only the necessary stuff.


Dhewco said...Before you get too disgusted with the 'half-dragon' concept, people need to understand that in fantasy some dragons morph into human form. (Raymond Feist's books set in Midkemia are a case in point)


Dave said...If you are using gods, demigods, and other archetypes from literature and mythology then you have to stick to those archetypes. You just can't invent a new "archetype" to solve the problem. I think your letter has a flaw there.

Also, defeating the villain is described as complex and nearly impossible. I am guessing that (in plain English) you mean that pure physical force isn't going to work and that the heroes must do something nifty and smart to trap the villian and re-imprison him.


Rei said...First off, I love this concept: The city awakes to the light of a rising moon that fills the sky and sleeps during the terrifying hours of All Dark.
Sort of Dark-City-ish. Places without sunlight are nifty.

After that, you degenerate into blah, cliche, vagueness, etc. In your last hook paragraph, we start to get a glimpse of what's going on here -- and it could definitely be interesting. They're our dream world, etc. But by then, there was too much blah for me to really care.

I agree with all who said "ditch the names". Especially "Falco". What is this, Starfox? It's hard to have a name that's one character away from a common word (like an animal) and not sound a bit cheesy. "In the land of Nectarin, our heroes Squirre, Dolphi, and Elephan set out on an epic quest..."

 Xenith said...This makes me think comics, particularly DC. I think it's the city name (Star City, Opal City...). Then there's the team of Companions fighting great evils. And Companions passing the mantle to the next generation.


Anonymous said...Here is the problem. You included pretty much all the usual genre devices but nothing exceptional. Nothing that I haven't seen before. No surprises. No great jokes or suspense or sparkling prose.

In the future you might try mentioning only the plot and character points which are both exciting and unique to your story. Plus iron out the sentences so people aren't stuck puzzling over who Falco is etc.


AmyB said...The problem I had with this is so many names and unfamiliar concepts were thrown at me at once that my eyes glazed over. Though I like fantasy novels, I have a hard time with the ones that give me no anchor to something I understand.

American Gods had the advantage of opening with normal characters in an ordinary modern-day setting (a prison). So when Gaiman started introducing the fantastical elements, I was firmly anchored and ready to absorb them.

The world in this query seems to be one of those in which absolutely everything is different, but I still need something I can relate to. A character in a situation I can sympathize with, perhaps. Lots of characters were thrown at me in this query, and I never had an opportunity to connect with any of them.

I do think the idea of a world populated by people's dreams is pretty cool.


Anonymous said...The "half dragon" concept brings on rapid rejection not so much through "disgust" as because we get no description of it and no reason to be excited to read about any "half dragon", never mind this one. It just comes off as a shallow gimmick. We don't even know what the undragon half is. Human? Toad? Pixie? Bat? Who cares? So what?

At age 10, I was agog for anything dragon, but now it's a tough sell. Especially if it acts like an ordinary dog in a dragon suit or, Zeus forbid -- speaks English and acts like a guy in a dragon suit. I'd rather you just ditch the dragon suit. They're so cumbersome.


Kings Falcon said...Kill most of the first paragraph. Being "excited" makes you sound less than professional.

It reads a bit like The Neverending Story, a kid who created this fantasy world by dreaming it must now save it.

Focus on the current quest/ problem not the Companions's back history. I think the query would be stronger without them.


Bonnie said...So this Gem City is basically the embodiment of the collective unconscious, and that's why there's such a mishmash of weird people running around? If so, I'm not sure you need to explain any more than that in the query. Focus on the story instead of the back story.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Forced Air

1. Fredrick Cheese relates the difficulties of living with extreme flatulence. He has worked as an elevator operator, a shoe salesman, and a co-pilot, and has sued former employers for discrimination. But to no avail, since the courts refuse to recognize the rights of the gastronomically challenged.

2. Thin-lipped, pasty faced Rob Hoover faces humiliation at his inability to rip one at will, the way his friends can. With the help of a time portal he finally achieves gas-passing superstardom when Christopher Columbus teaches him the secret of the musical fruit.

3. Tracy was having a bad day, what with her dad's heart attack, losing her job, and her husband leaving her. But the worst part of all was "letting loose" when her attractive neighbor dropped by to "console" her.

4. Doing a little "duct work" for lonely housewives has become a lucrative sideline for HVAC expert Gus Furness. Until he gets caught, that is, by an irate husband who is about to show Gus what can be done with sheet metal and . . . Forced Air.

5. Pulled over at midnight on the 91 Freeway, passing the alcohol test is a breeze for Rhonda. But a freak windstorm intervenes, sending her, Officer Dyson, the squad car and her Ford Windstar into another dimension.

6. Wilbur goes through life unnoticed, until someone needs a topnotch heating and air conditioning man. That’s when they call Wilbur. His specialty—forced air systems. His hobby—installing sophisticated surveillance equipment in the duct vents and streaming the provocative footage to his pay-per-peek website.



Original Version

Dear Mr. Editor:

In Forced Air, Tracy Winters thinks Friday morning is bad enough with her father in the hospital after a mild heart attack. In the afternoon, though, her company’s CFO is dragged away in handcuffs, and the company goes bankrupt. Then, when Tracy gets home, her husband and daughter walk out on her because they can’t take her ultra-controlling, type A lifestyle any more. [Goodness. I certainly hope nothing else traumatic happens to Tracy in the next few hours.] Tracy believes she could handle all of it—except for the rejection of her daughter, Amber. Tracy’s singular goal as an adult has been to be the perfect mom, unlike her own mother who downed a bottle of pills when Tracy was just a kid.

In a reactionary moment of “letting loose,” Tracy allows her friendly—and attractive—neighbor to drive her to Santa Cruz in time for the Saturday sunrise. By breakfast, though, Tracy finds herself running for her life without money, phone, or car, and the very person she turns to for help is the one who wants her dead. Through it all, Tracy’s only thought is to survive long enough to have a second chance with Amber. [That's her only thought? She never once thinks, Why is someone in Santa Cruz trying to kill me?]

Survival requires putting her trust in several strangers including two old ladies, a homeless former bookkeeper, and the pretty ex-girlfriend of her would-be assassin. [She's doomed.] Survival also requires breaking into the boss’ email, shooting two men, [She trusted her neighbor enough to go to Santa Cruz with him/her at four in the morning, but just to play it safe, brought a gun.] and confronting her own gambling-addicted father—from whom she finally learns the truth about her mother’s “suicide” thirty years earlier. [Last I heard she was on the run in Santa Cruz with no money, phone or car; yet she's found time and opportunity to break into someone's email and to confront her father?]

[Rank the following in order of how much trouble you would have believing it:

1. Your father has a heart attack, and you go to work for the day and then go home.
2. Your father has a heart attack, and you don't tell your husband or daughter.
3. Your father has a heart attack, and you do tell your husband and daughter, and they choose that day to walk out on you.
4. Your father has a heart attack, your husband and daughter walk out on you, and you agree to go to Santa Cruz to watch the sunrise with your attractive neighbor.
5. Your father has a heart attack, your employer goes bankrupt and your husband and child walk out on you, all within a twelve-hour period.
6. You make an unscheduled trip to Santa Cruz in the middle of the night, and when you get there, someone's trying to kill you.
7. You're an assassin, hired to kill a woman who has no idea she's a target, and you screw it up.
8. You're running from an assassin who has trailed you to Santa Cruz, it's not even breakfast time, and you run into his ex-girlfriend.
9. You leave your home for Santa Cruz without your cell phone or any money. Or someone took your phone and money, but let you keep your gun.
10. You're a teenager and your father says, "I'm sick of this type-A lifestyle, let's ditch your mother," and you agree to leave your home, your friends, and your mall.
11. Most incredible of all, you confront your gambling-addicted father, and he wants to talk about your long-dead mother instead of trying to borrow money.

I’ve enclosed the complete synopsis and first three chapters of Forced Air, and I would be happy to provide the completed manuscript (62,000 words) at your request. My work has appeared in the literary journals The First Line, Thereby Hangs A Tale, and THEMA.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

Paragraph 1 is mostly a list of bad stuff that happens. Paragraph three is a list of things Tracy must do to survive. Better to elaborate by connecting ideas with cause and effect than by listing. At least shorten the lists.

Every novel has some hard-to-accept goings-on, and no doubt there's a logical explanation for everything I've brought up. But it might be a good idea to give the logical explanation for some of these items, because Jack Bauer would have been lucky to get through this day.

Is the friendly, attractive neighbor a man or woman? It seems unlikely you would bother to call a female neighbor attractive, but it seems more unlikely that she could be talked into "letting loose" with another man when her father's in the hospital and her beloved daughter's suddenly gone.

Based on having to break into her boss's email, I assume the attempt to kill her has something to do with work. But no one from work would have known she was going to Santa Cruz. She didn't even know she was going. This leads me to believe the assassin was preparing to break into her house and kill her just as she left for Santa Cruz. And he followed her. Or the assassin is her neighbor--although it's unlikely she would have to break into her boss's email to survive being killed by her neighbor. Either way, it's hard to believe any semi-competent assassin managed to botch the job.


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...I think this one is going to need two separate categories: Issues with the query letter, and issues with the plot...

Anonymous said...With this title, there's got to be some farting in the story, even if it's incidental. Judging by the GTP's 97% of the minions will be disappointed by this.


Robin S. said...EE, when you're on fire, I really enjoy it, and I read through just waiting for the line that's gonna have me laughing out loud like a fool. there was a goodbuildup with your list, and you had me grinning.

Then- ""Jack Bauer would have been lucky to get through this day."

This was the one. Thanks!


pacatrue said...I don't usually find farting jokes funny, but this line from GTP 2, "thin-lipped, pasty faced Rob Hoover faces humiliation at his inability to rip one at will" made me spit on my monitor. Actually, that whole GTP is hysterical.

I don't know what the author can do about the amazing series of tragedies at the beginning which stretch credibility to the max. My best rec is to just not mention one of them if you can - heart attack seems the least important to the plot. After that, the causality behind all of these things is less than apparent. If you can make it clear how her job loss, email theft, and assassination attempts are connected, we can forgive them more. It's OK to tell the agent what Tracy's gotten drawn into.

A couple things to watch in the rewrite:
1) Tracy has just been left by her only child and her dad's in the hospital and yet she finds some time to be attracted to the guy next door.... Makes me want Tracy's daughter to keep going.

2) Make sure you don't have another novel about how women would be happier if they worked less and stayed home more. I think you are avoiding that by making her learn "to let loose", which one can do while pursuing all sorts of dreams. After all, it really is hard to manage private and public life for everyone. Just be careful there.


Anonymous said...Paca is right. All of those tragedies don't seem necessary to the plot in the first place, but certainly not in the query letter. Besides cluttering it up it makes the plot look silly.

I'd lose at least two tragedies. I'm not 100% sure what the story is so it's hard to say what belongs in the letter. I'd just say it's a troubled mom on the run because of trouble at work but she's more concerned with hooking up with her daughter than staying alive.

Wait, now I've made it even more confusing!


Rei said...I agree with Pacatrue. I'd say less so that there's less to disbelieve. EE's "rank the following" section was spot on (and hilarious). I think you need to present less pieces of the puzzle and use the extra space to more closely indicate how they fit together.


Beth said...This sounds like a pretty exciting story, but you do have too many unbelievable tragedies happening too fast, and her motives aren't clear. And the title, as proven by the GTPs, is truly terrible. Please think of another one.


Dave said...There has got to be a plot that we're not getting. How does all of this tie up into a coherent package? It's got to come together with an explanation even if it is "the Butler did it".


phoenix said...Yes, we do need more connecting of the dots in the query, please.

Aside from not understanding the major issues of how everyone and everything are tied together, I also had a hard time overlooking a nit: Companies don't go bankrupt in an afternoon. The company can file for bankruptcy in an afternoon, but the process is long and drawn out. And that process would likely begin, not end, with a CFO being led away in handcuffs.


writtenwyrdd said...I think the plot sounds workable if you delete daddy's heart attack. That right there makes the rest of the actions sound like a heartless woman is the main character.

That list of improbabilities had me snorting coke...wait, that's not what I meant! Funny stuff.

I think the letter isnt too bad, actually. But that heart attack needs to go. Plus, you might give us more background as to why the attractive neighbor is such an immediate option when husband/daughter walk out.

I gathered the neighbor is the assassin.


ME said...The 2nd para seems to be included because that's where the "Run For Your Life" thread begins, and I'm guessing that a good portion of the novel has Tracy on the run, trying to get back to her daughter. But I think it (the whole para) needs reworking because the "letting loose" rationale does seem a bit strained, following so close on the heels of such successive tragedies.

By breakfast, though, Tracy finds herself running for her life without money, phone, or car, and the very person she turns to for help is the one who wants her dead.
From this I inferred that the attractive neighbor is out to get her. Maybe that's just me.


Scott said...The question that immediately popped into my mind is, is it the Santa Cruz, CA sunrise they're rushing off to see? As a native West Coaster, growing up not far from Santa Cruz, let me tell you: the sunsets over the ocean can be spectacular, but sunrise on most California beaches isn't all that spectacular. In Santa Cruz, those damn mountains get in the way, not to mention the fog most of the year.


Anonymous said...Scott, I was thinking the same thing. Sunrise on the East Coast, Sunset in the West. I think the chase is the story, so I'd lose some of the needless tragedies. And instead of being vague about "attractive neighbor" and "let loose", spell this out because it's important.

And about that bankruptcy, the other commenter is right. Maybe the bankruptcy culminates that day but it sounds a little simplistic to say a mega corporation went bankrupt that day.

If it were my story I'd dispense with the overwritten setup (at least in the query letter) and start with the midnight ride to SAnta Cruz. If you have to have all the tragedies, she can tell the attractive neighbor a few things about her day while they're driving.

I think it could be a good story.


Evil Editor said...Googling "Santa Cruz sunrise" and clicking images brings up some nice shots. Of course they could be different Santa Cruzes or mislabeled.


pjd said...Thank you to everyone who commented. I learned a lot from this. I do believe the plot hangs together over the 65,000 words despite the implausibility most of you found in the query. So far, the people who have seen the full synopsis tend to agree. (It is, however, quite a small sample, but it does not include my spouse or my mother, so the opinions are mostly credible.) It has to do with the complexity of the relationships but also a little bit with coincidence. The tragedies are related and ultimately caused by one set of circumstances.

If I understand what I've read, most of what was said is summed up by one sentence from rei: I think you need to present less pieces of the puzzle and use the extra space to more closely indicate how they fit together. This is indeed where I will put my effort in the query.

As to the title: It has no meaning and really no connection to the actual story. Just a place holder. I loved the GTPs. Thanks for the laughs. It is difficult to believe I never saw the fart jokes coming.

phoenix, in responding to your nit: I worked for a publicly traded company once that held a meeting after market close, and the CEO said, and I quote, "We can pay you through yesterday." The company went into receivership and, yes, it took several years for things to settle, but for all intents and purposes the company was done that day. I also worked with a vendor once that sent an email to all their clients at 2 p.m. Central on June 2nd saying, "As of this moment we are out of business." Turns out they had mismanaged their funds and had some accounting errors, and by the time they discovered it they realized they were insolvent. So perhaps "bankrupt" is not the word; "insolvent" may be better?

Finally, a big thank-you to Evil Editor for the opportunity. And for the constant humor.


Twill said...A little more sequence in the synopsis - don't break it out as "this list will happen to her, this list she will do".

Also, in a query, don't be coy. It's not back-cover copy. The agent wants to know that you have a complete story, so put what the story is really about. (...Within reason...)


Jeb said...I like a good thriller as much as the next reader, but the set-up here wouldn't cut it for me.

I might buy all those tragedies happening to one person if they were 'in the past few months'. Then, when mouthy Amber leaves after harsh words, and is staying at Dad's for the next week being spoiled even more rotten, newly unemployed Mom has one too many cocktails in her suddenly empty house and starts a fling with the handsome neighbour and sha-zam: the rest unfolds without me closing the book on page 10 because of having nothing in common with a heroine so feisty she can handle all that disaster before the cocktail hour and still have the energy for a little garden romance.

Show me the motivation.

Click strip to enlarge

Click strip to enlarge

New Beginning 1011

The concrete octopus of Chicago’s interstate system is a gloriously proud homicidal maniac. Every five miles of tentacle bears a brilliant scoreboard advertizing the mounting tally. Despite the “Don’t Text and Drive” PSA campaign, regular commuters grind the Kennedy Expressway’s lethal curves with digital distraction; its outbound Montrose Avenue split is a frequent kill zone. As my mobile coffin cruises into the heart of downtown, the marquee lights flash “739 Traffic Deaths This Year.” Nine more lives devoured over the Labor Day weekend.

I park in Northwestern’s high-rise garage, blot my cheeks with a wadded napkin and drop my sunglasses in my cup holder. My reflection, a bloodshot corpse I hardly recognize, makes me snatch them up again.

My cell phone flares to life on the six-block walk to the office. “What?”

“You left early,” Sean says.

“Couldn’t sleep.”

“Oh.”

I continue walking. He continues breathing. We burn time saying nothing. Finally, he says, “I think, maybe, we should try counseling.”

Is that cheaper than divorce? I wonder. “We’ll talk about this later.”

“When?”

Never. “When I come home.”

“What about the kids?”

Oh, are you considering our family now? “After they go to bed.”

“You’ll still be conscious?”

I sincerely hope not. “I’ll do my best.”

“You always do.”

Shove it with the sarcasm, asshole. "See you tonight."

"Oh, could you pick up a couple six-packs and some smokes on your way home?" he says.

Fuck you, you lazy, cheating shit-drinking bastard. "I'll try to remember."

"Thanks. Love ya babe."

Yeah, right, we'll see how much you love me when I poison your beer and ram an ice pick up your left nostril tonight, mothercockeatingwankcheesesuckwad. "Love you too."


Opening: Veronica Rundell.....Continuation: EE

Face-Lift 1146

Guess the Plot

Penny and the Treasures of Prydain

1. Penny is an ordinary girl in every ordinary way, until she falls asleep under the rowan tree. She awakes in Underland, new matriarch of the Prydains, and learns the Queen never survives Samhain. Can Penny escape the ritual sacrifice?

2. Prydain was once handsome, but now he's a clumsy giant, thanks to a mean witch. Penny thinks Prydain is cute, and leaves flowers on his doorstep. Now she's trapped in his underground lair, and he won't let her go until she kisses him.

3. The Treasures of Prydain have disappeared, and it's up to Penarddun verch Morfudd ("Just call me Penny.") to get them back, aided by a man named Wmffre. But will they abandon their mission when their path leads to the otherworldly prison of Caer Siddi?

4. Prydain is a land rich in gold and crops. Penny had heard her mother say this often enough. And now that she's an orphan, Penny is setting her sights west. Good luck getting past the scorpions lurking in the Desert of Despair.

5. Adventures of a middle-grade fantasy writer, Penny, who, after years of trying to convince agents and editors that "Prydain" is just Old Welsh for "Britain", gives in and changes the title of her manuscript.

6. Little Penny is a shiny copper coin. When Quarter Master tells her it's time to go off to the Mint, she thinks it's the end. After a tearful goodbye to Nickle Back and Dime Bag, she's whisked off...only to arrive in Prydain, a strange vault filled with thousands of other coins. But is this really a paradise for unwanted money, or is something more sinister lurking beyond the sealed door?


Original Version

Hail, O Evil One!

It’s 1920--the 750th anniversary of Prince Madoc of Wales’ discovery of the New World. [If the most interesting event going on is the anniversary of something that happened 750 years ago, maybe we need to open in a different year. Unless . . . is there something else special about 1920?] And it’s also the first Great Eisteddfod--the decennial cultural festival that brings together the druids of the Old and New Worlds--since the end of the Great War between the Pagans and the Catholics and their Ottoman allies. [1920: The Year of Living Boringly.] [If this is the first Eisteddfod, how can they already be calling it "Great"? They're gonna look pretty silly if hardly any druids show up.] [If I were a druid, I would suspect that the Great Eisteddfod was dreamed up by the Catholics as a ruse to get all the druids into one place so they could kill us. It wouldn't be the worst thing they'd ever done.] For Penarddun verch Morfudd, Assistant Curator at the Madocian Institution of Arts and Culture, it’s also the chance to mount an exhibition of the ancient Treasures of Prydain, [I would think the curator would mount the exhibition, while the assistant curator would . . . assist.] including the Cauldron of Rebirth that helped win the war by resurrecting dead soldiers on the battlefield.

[Soldier: The men are starving sir. We must surrender.

Captain: Not necessarily. If you can just find the strength to throw all those corpses into this giant . . . Cauldron of Rebirth . . . we might have a chance.]

[In three sentences you've capitalized 30 words. See if you can cut that down to 20. Also, those last two sentences are so long and contain so much information readers won't retain anything. The only interesting item is the Cauldron of Rebirth, but even that's lost interest now that its a display in an exhibition rather than a weapon of mass resurrection.]

Penny’s ready for some festivity. Life has been grim since her fiance’s death in the War--blown to so many smithereens that no Cauldron could bring him back. She’s looking forward to a reunion with her British friend Elen, and maybe the success of the exhibition will win approval from her archdruid uncle. Respite from her mother’s relentless political match-making would be nice, too. [When every druid who's any druid is in town, the matchmaking is more likely to ramp up than ease off.]

But things start going pear-shaped almost immediately. Penny has to host the belly-dancing priestess Sirona of Galatia, a woman so beautiful that nearly every man who lays eyes on her falls into Love at First Sight. Penny herself falls victim to Love at First Sight with Elen’s cousin Gwydion, but Gwydion seems to adore Sirona. [Everyone adores Sirona. If Mrs. Evil couldn't deal with the fact that I adore Julia Roberts, I'd never get any action.] The audio recordings for her exhibition are infected by a bwg [big whirling gadget] that turns informative description into bad vaudeville routines. A trip to the beach turns tragic when Gwydion’s twin brother Gil is savaged by a feline predator. During ritual single combat, a young man is beheaded [Near the top of my list of rules to live by: I refuse to engage in any religion or culture whose rituals involve beheading.] and Elen’s fiance, Wmffre, loses his arm and foot [and a couple of his vowels] when a magic sword runs amok--a sword stolen from Penny’s exhibition. And then the Treasures disappear, along with Gil, Sirona, and Penny’s brother Dylan. [That's seven examples of things going pear-shaped. Choose three and do without the rest.]

Penny, Gwydion, Elen, and Wmffre must rescue the hostages before the Treasures are put to dangerous use. [I'd leave Wmffre behind on the rescue mission. A guy with only one foot and one arm is going to slow them down, especially if his blood is still oozing and dressings need to be changed a couple times a day.] But success will bring to light shameful secrets and old betrayals. [Vague.] How far, exactly, is Penny willing to follow her dreams, [What dreams?] when their path leads into the Otherworldly prison of Caer Siddi?

Penny and the Treasures of Prydain* is inspired by my nearly thirty years’ study of Celtic mythology (PhD UCLA, 1992). [Word of advice: next time you decide to invest thirty years in the study of one subject, come up with something more useful than Celtic mythology.] I have published five nonfiction books and some two dozen articles and encyclopedia entries on a wide range of topics in folklore and mythology; Penny is my first novel. The manuscript is complete at 100,000 words and I would be pleased to send you sample chapters at your request.


*I hate this title but I have not yet come up with anything better.


Notes 

Somehow I feel like we should be told everything about this world at once. The first sentence prepares me for a historical novel set in 1920. But then I find that Catholics + Ottomans have just had a war with Pagans, so maybe it's alternate history. But then I find the war was won thanks to a magic cauldron, so it's a fantasy. Was it a war involving tanks and planes and machine guns, or guys with swords on horseback? It has a medieval feel to it, but the "audio recordings" feel anachronistic. Maybe you should start, Set on an Earth where magic exists and religious wars have continued into the 20th century...

The plot description is too long. We just want to know what Penny does about her problems. She's looking forward to the big anniversary celebration when her friends are kidnapped and the treasures vanish. What's her plan, who's out to stop her, what's at stake? That's the story. The boring stuff can be put in your synopsis if you need one.

Nowadays, a high school student named Penarddun verch Morfudd would go by Penny to avoid being ostracized. But in your world, maybe not. In any case, Penarddun verch Morfudd and the Treasures of Prydain is a better title. It sounds like Baron Munchausen and the Deathly Hallows. And who wouldn't read that?