Evil Editor's Blog, page 128

Face-Lift 1143

Guess the Plot

Nuked

1. A family deals with blame, loss, and the banality of existence after daddy puts the Pekingese in the microwave.

2. Tess hates Christian summer camp, and all the girls are mean. One night she finds a black briefcase in the woods. She lights up the girls' cabin and doesn't look back.

3. She's 17 years old and undefeated as a cage fighter. The promoters have fixed her next fight so she'll lose, but she's not hanging around for that, not when the fate of the galaxy is at stake, and her nuclear superpower could turn the tide. They call her Ripper!

4. Johnny Fissal likes his coffee hot. His meeting at the NSA went long and his blood/caffeine level has gone as tepid as his favorite beverage. He needs the microwave now, but the cold-eyed and salacious Miss Fusion is heating her frozen dinner with little regard for others. It's time to get . . . nuked.

5. Nick Conner is not your typical ninth-grader. He loves Mozart, history, and "Dr Who". He also loves Amy Bingleberg, but she doesn't even acknowledge his existence. With the Spring Fling dance coming up, can he convince her to go with him...or will his heart be . . . nuked?

6. Earth has been nuked to ash, and the only survivors are some Chilean miners who were trapped underground before the war started. It's the end of the human race, true, but is it also the beginning of the race of mole men?


Original Version

Dear Agent,

Activate the thing? Check. [Do random stuff? Eh, maybe.] Control the killing? Not even close. [Hook the agent? Dream on.]

Most times when powers manifest, there's speed, agility, strength and that's it. When Eli calls her powers, the thing takes over. A puppet in her own skin, killing's no longer a choice. Fingers tighten, the wrist flicks and death is a seventeen year old girl. [The first sentence of this paragraph should spell out that with other super-powered people, killing is a choice. Otherwise it doesn't feel connected.]

The promoters call her Ripper. Two enter the cage—one leaves on a stretcher. [That sentence doesn't belong, it isn't connected to the rest.] Eli has what it takes to make a fighter great. Cold. Calculated. [Calculating.] Expendable. She's undefeated, until she's conned into a match she can't win. Her life belongs to them, they'll take it if they can. [She's their biggest star. Their golden ticket. Money in the bank. James Bond to their Albert Broccoli. Kill her off? No way.]

On the run with her sister, the Syndicate thinks she's dead—best stay [keep it] that way. Employers are touchy. Fail to give notice, they put out a hit. But they aren't the only ones who want her. In a galaxy at war, [I feel like I should know before I'm halfway through paragraph 4 that the stakes are galactic rather than personal.] everyone must choose a side [.] Her power can turn the tide. The Watchers will hide her—[Now that it's starting to rhyme, I think you should take advantage of your staccato style and put the query in the form of a rap song:

Everyone gotta choose a side.
Eli's power can turn the tide. 
The Watchers gonna help her hide.]

if she'll win their war. [The ability to kill with the flick of a wrist, while useful in cage fighting, may come up short in a war for control of the galaxy.] They offer control. They offer purpose. They offer a team. What they can't offer her is the truth. [She can't handle the truth.] She's different for a reason. She owes it to herself to learn why.

But some truths should stay buried. What she discovers on a remote planet leaves Eli wondering if she's chosen the right side. There's more to her powers then she ever imagined: a scientist's mad dream, the legacy of a dying race, the fate of a galaxy. [That doesn't help me know what her power is.] Defined by a choice she didn't make, Eli must give up everything to save the sister she'd die to protect and the boy they both love. [The boy they both love sounds like an important plot thread. Maybe he should be featured more prominently in the query.] If she succeeds, she'll be a hero. If she succeeds, she'll be dead. [The incentive to succeed just dropped like an anvil on a coyote.] The greatest danger is the one within. [Not clear what that means. Is she pregnant with Satan's child?]

Dystopian sci-fi for Young Adults, NUKED is Sense and Sensibility in outer space, if Marianne was a foul mouthed, cage fighting fighting orphan. As requested in your submission requirements, below are the WHATEVER AGENT ASKS FOR. Complete at 85,000 words, NUKED is available at your request. In spite of the comparison, neither Jane Austen nor her works were harmed in the writing of this book. [I wouldn't be so sure; it's hard on the ribs when you turn over in your grave.]

Thanks and Regards,


Notes

This reads like narration by the main character at the beginning of a noirish movie. If the book isn't written in this style, you don't want to give the impression that it is. If it is written in this style, I recommend toning it down in the query and the book. It sounds like a parody of itself.

I would drop the first three paragraphs at least. We don't need to know she's a cage fighter. Start with Eli's power. How it's the key to winning a war and both sides want her. Is her dilemma that both sides have their good and bad points? Or is it that she doesn't care who wins the war, she just wants to use her power to impress her sister's boyfriend, because she loves him?

If you want to convey the idea that your plot is like Sense and Sensibility, show us that in your summary. Don't tell us.

Feedback Request

Guess the Plot

True Fire

1. Annabella has blown her seven figure book advance in one week at Bergdorf Goodman. Luckily she prepaid for a three month stay at The Plaza. Will she be able to write book two in time to keep her Louboutin collection off the mean streets of New York?

2. Dragon blood. It courses through the veins of the royal family. They call it "true fire," but that's a misnomer; it's not fire, it's just a humiliating reminder that sometime in the past one of their ancestors had sex with a dragon.

3. Band leader Tommy Fire’s daughter True, the ace detective of the New Orleans homicide squad, is obsessed with a serial killer who haunts the jazz venues. She suspects band leader Ice Coffee but can prove nothing. Then she discovers his identical twin, transvestite Dee Caff.

4. True Fire the red-assed dragon really liked jalapenos.
He'd blast out gassy flames as if from a hot bellows.
All of the other dragons teased him 'bout his wrong-end flames.
Fiery belches were the in thing; backfires were just crude games.
Then a reversing spell changed all,
And caused all front fire flames to stall.
A wizard said, "True's farts are hot:
Won't you give those villagers a shot!?"
Then all the dragons loved him, and shouted out with glee.
"True Fire the red-assed dragon, you'll go down in blistery!"

5. Ellen Bradley's father, an elite hot shot firefighter, died in a California wildfire when she was 10. At 22 she's one of the very few female hot shots in California. Her male comrades seem to respect her. Which would be hotter--a fire over Fillmore, or smokejumping with hunky Capt. Reggie Hinds?

6. A serial arsonist is terrorizing Chicago, and doing more damage than Mrs. O'Leary's cow ever did. Ace firefighter Chuck Carpenter is on the case, but the arsonist has kidnapped Chuck's wife and is threatening to burn her at the stake if Chuck doesn't back off. Great balls of fire!


Original Version

[This query was previously submitted as Face-lift 1060, but as the title has been changed we had the opportunity to play Guess the Plot.]


Dear Evil Editor,

When Bree’s sister is kidnapped by exiled fae, Bree faces losing the one person she swore to protect from them. The exiles give her one chance to save Chloe. A trade. Her sister’s life for the crown of the fae king. Their father’s crown.

It’s been three years since Bree last set foot in the fae realm, where the magic tries to kill her because of her half human blood. Three years since she cut all ties with her father, deciding he was always going to choose his kingdom over her. She’s not going to let him make that choice again, not with Chloe. She’s saving her sister, even if she has to steal the crown to do it.

But to do that Bree has to journey back to the realm that rejected her, that could kill her. And she has to face what she’s about to do. Because the crown is more than just a piece of metal. It has the power to control all fae magic.

Somehow Bree has to decide what price she’s willing to make the realm, her father, and herself pay to save her sister’s life. [At the end of paragraph 2 she's "saving her sister, even if she has to steal the crown to do it." So it seems she's already decided what price everyone will pay. In any case, this sentence isn't needed, as we already get it.

TRUE FIRE is my young adult fantasy novel. It is complete at 90,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


*The title True Fire comes from the fact that the royal family has dragon blood, which is called true fire.


Notes

This is an improvement over the earlier version.

Does Chloe live in the fae realm? If so, how could Bree declare that she would protect her? If not, were they always together? Apparently not. How old are these girls in human terms?

If the fae realm kills those with human blood, how did Bree live there until three years ago? Even when she leaves the fae realm, it isn't because the realm is trying to kill her, but because her father would always choose his kingdom over her. So the threat posed by the realm doesn't seem to be as terrible as you want us to think it is.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Special Delivery

1. Kurt Bloogle, ruined-financier-turned-pizza-delivery-guy, receives an order from his ex-wife and her boyfriend. This is one six topping deluxe they'll never forget.

2. The world's first half-human, half-alien baby is about to born to Holly Cohen and her husband Sgrbt'fth. Can they get to the hospital on Betelgeuse IV in time? And who's going to handle the bris?

3. Natasha Lansky, owner of a mail-order bride business called Special Delivery, has been murdered. The suspects: jilted husbands, disgruntled wives, everyone in the human trafficking business, and especially the woman who drove Natasha's kid home from daycare.

4. Sister Mary Woeful is a bride of Christ. But her midnight dalliance with a devil in blue jeans has left her in a pickle. When her holy water breaks at St. Viburnum's Maternity Hospital, it's time for a very special delivery.

5. Laila, anticipating her boyfriend's return from college, wraps herself in nothing but coconut oil and a hot-pink bow. Randy Moser rings the doorbell to deliver a package and gets a surprise in this romantic comedy.

6. A luxury obstetrics ward opens, offering five-star meals and fashion-forward nurses for the heiress with everything. But not even they are prepared for the absurdity that ensues when a prima-donna pop star and her flaky husband check in.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I am seeking representation for Special Delivery, a 65,000 word humorous mystery set in the Washington, D.C. suburbs.

Special Delivery introduces readers to thirty-year-old Samara Rosen, a Harvard-educated lawyer struggling to have it all [Has anyone else noticed how many of these queries involve someone struggling? I doubt there are five that don't use the word "struggle."] ["Against a backdrop of" is popular too.] -- happy kid, healthy marriage, [or vice versa.] prestigious career at a law firm, and a few minutes to spare for a manicure. When Samara volunteers to drive three-year-old Jake Lansky home from daycare after a harried Monday at the office, she finds single mom Natasha Lansky in a lingerie-clad heap on the floor of her well-appointed Bethesda foyer. The even better news? As the person who discovered the body, she's a prime suspect. [Is it so common for murderers to call the police, that the police automatically consider the person who calls them a prime suspect? If I murdered someone, I would either be cutting the body into pieces small enough to fit in garbage bags or heading for the airport and a flight to Argentina. Not telling the cops I'd found a dead body. But that's just me.] [So the Bethesda cops' theory is that Samara, on the way to daycare to pick up her kid, stopped off to murder Natasha Lansky. Then when the daycare director asked for volunteers to drive Jake home, Samara thought it would look suspicious if she said No. Or do they think she brought Jake home and murdered Natasha right there in front of him?]

In an effort to clear her name and assuage the guilt heaped on her by daycare center director Bertie Siegelman (who happens to be Samara's mother), Samara launches an investigation to find Natasha's killer. [Her mother is making her feel guilty? About what, the murder?] Thanks to Natasha's international mail order bride business (Special Delivery), Samara's got plenty of suspects -- jilted husbands, disgruntled wives, and some less-than-savory colleagues in the human trafficking business. Even scarier, Samara squares off against the mothers in Natasha's militant neighborhood playgroup. [Is it the playgroup that's militant, or the neighborhood?] In between surveillance and interviews, Samara works to bolster her billable hours -- and chances of partnership -- at the firm by reading millions of financial documents related to a securities fraud lawsuit. [My calculations indicate that if she read a document every minute for twelve hours a day, it would take more than seven years to read two million of them.] Now she's got two jobs -- law firm associate by day, amateur detective by night -- and suddenly, her husband Marty thinks she should quit both to stay home full-time with their daughter, Mia. Despite Marty’s obvious break with reality (hello, mortgage!), Samara desperately wants another baby, but after six months of trying, it looks like Mia will be an only child. [It's been only six months. And she's already had one baby. I feel certain Samara will discover she's pregnant in the epilogue, after she's solved the murder.]


Like Samara, I graduated from Harvard Law School [and enjoy the occasional manicure,] and spent several years slogging away at a large Washington law firm. In 2004, I left private practice for government work so that I could devote more time to my family. I am also personally familiar with the difficulty many women face in becoming pregnant [and was once the prime suspect in a murder case].

The age-old debate about whether -- and to what extent -- women can balance motherhood and career has received significant attention lately, thanks to contributions from Leslie Morgan Steiner, Judith Warner, and Linda Hirshman. Against this backdrop, [And I thought we were going to escape that one for once.] [Actually, I'm not sure that counts as a backdrop.] I believe that readers will identify with Samara's desire to satisfy her family, her boss, and herself, all while tracking a killer. [Hey, who can't identify with what it's like to run your life while tracking a killer?] If only she could bill for it!

If you would like see more of Special Delivery, please let me know. Thank you for your time.


Notes

Although it's described as a humorous mystery, and there are some amusing touches in the letter, it does seem as if bringing home a three-year-old to find his mother dead, and dealing with the human trafficking business would be difficult to handle in an amusing way.

If you run a daycare center and a child hasn't been picked up, you phone. If no one answers, you assume no one's home. Thus you don't send the kid home with a volunteer, even if the volunteer is your trusted daughter, because there's either no one home or whoever is there is lying dead in a lingerie-clad heap.

Also, it's not clear why Samara should have any more luck solving the murder than the police. She starts an investigation because her mother makes her feel guilty?

Selected Comments:Anonymous said...As another lawyer reading the blog [one who presently has 14 trafficking victims as clients], I agree with EE. It seems like a subject that doesn't lend itself to humor.  But then, I didn't attend Harvard

(now going back to my query and checking for "struggle" and "backdrop"!)


xiqay said...Oh my. I've got "backdrop" and "struggle" in my opening paragraph. Now seeing how common (trite?) they are, I'm wondering if I should ditch them. Do these words bother you, now that you've been reading our slush?


Bernita said...I don't understand this speed-dial pregnancy theme ...6 months and they think it's no go? My impression was one does not begin to worry unless it's been 2 years.


BuffySquirrel said...There seem to me to be a lot of plot threads here for the length. Something probably suffers. The last 65k novel I read was Jane Austen Book Club. I thought that thin, to say the least--and it didn't have nearly as many threads as this apparently does. What is the novel's main focus? The murder? The protagonist's career? Infertility? At 65k I think one of those could be done reasonably, but I'd be very impressed by a 65k novel that managed to do all three to a reasonable depth. And yes, whoever finds a body will be automatically made a suspect, although probably not the prime suspect. I think for her to be the prime suspect there would need to be some, yanno, evidence against her.


Evil Editor said...Now that I know I'm a suspect if I report a dead body, I'm not reporting jack. In fact, if I ever stumble upon a dead body, I'm chopping it up and disposing of the parts in a dumpster just to save the hassle of being hounded by the cops.

Face-Lift 1142

Guess the Plot

Maroon's Diamonds

1. Adam's band is broke. No one listens to their music anymore. They visit their safe deposit boxes in one last effort to find some cash. Adam's box contains a crystal skull resting on a treasure map. They're off to Antarctica.

2. Typhoon Dave sweeps over the marijuana fields of Thailand, causing THC-laced rain in Bangkok -- just as the worldwide gemologist convention is opening! Hilarity ensues.

3. Captured by slavers in Africa, Mbungu is shipped across the Atlantic. He escapes to a community of Maroons whose leader, Zumba, gives him diamonds in return for which he agrees to return to Africa and end the slave trade.

4. Shayla needs one more big score to buy her father's freedom from the Mafia. And, today she found her mark. Baba Maroon won't know what hit him.

5. Mt. Etna, August, 1943. Searching the body of a panzer commander, John 'Ultra' Maroon finds several pieces of diamond jewelry. Keeping a ring for his wife, he buries the rest, putting a map to their location in his shirt pocket. 50 years later his granddaughter finds the map. But will the diamonds still be there?

6. Elven wizard Salanar il Maroon carves five diamonds, each of which controls one of the elements. Four thousand years later, demon lord Quaaliktuk threatens the world, so Queen Berun sends her 6 best-- 2 warriors, a wizard, two elves and a dwarf--on a quest to find Maroon's diamonds--before it's too late.

7. Alphonse Maroon, Montreal landscape designer, receives a vision from catcher Gene Vadeboncouer. Now he's on a quest to rebuild every 19th century baseball stadium in Canada, even if he has to do it with just a wheelbarrow and axe.



Original Version

Mbungu is a prince, the first in the line of succession to the kingdom of Kongo, the most powerful in Africa. He’s arrogant and loves to lead his armies in war to show how powerful he is. Portuguese advisors in his father’s court entice the kingdom to go to war again and again, so that the conquered people can be sold as slaves to them. The slaves are sent into ships to a voyage no African has ever returned. [That sentence will kill your chances. Fix it or delete it.]

When Mbungu refuses the advices [advice] of the Portuguese  to change the laws of the kingdom so most crimes become punishable by slavery, [If you want the laws of a kingdom changed, seems like you'd go directly to the king.] the Portuguese start to plot with his envious half-brother, Ngonde, to overthrow him and his father. While in a military expedition to pacify southern provinces, the royal entourage is ambushed by troops led by his half-brother [Ngonde] and armed with foreign muskets. [This sounds more like an attempt to kill them than to overthrow them.] Mbungu’s forces are easily defeated, his father is killed, but he avoids death. He hides his identity, trying to pass as a common soldier, fearing that his half-brother is still looking for him. That doesn’t stop him from being captured as one of the defeated men. He then is sold as a slave to a Portuguese ship, and makes a long and terrible journey to Brazil.

In Brazil Mbungu learns what horrible fate awaits those who’re enslaved by the Europeans. After much suffering, he escapes successfully and reaches a safe haven he heard the other slaves talking about, the quilombo of the moon, a maroon community in the middle of the jungle. There he meets former enemies, men from conquered countries that at first want to kill him for what happened to them, but the ruler of the quilombo, Zumba, sees that Mbungu has changed and pardons his past sins, as long as he helps him stop the slave trade. Mbungu is given several diamonds from the quilombo’s mine, the first diamond mine to be found in the world outside India. Using this wealth, Mbungu starts into action a plan to return to Kongo, end Portuguese influence in the kingdom and get revenge on his half-brother Ngonde. [It doesn't seem it would be that easy for an African to find passage to Kongo. 

Mbungu: I need a ride to Kongo.

Captain: Do I look like I'm running a charity ship?

Mbungu: You can have these diamonds.

Captain: Ah. Thanks. Boys, we have a return passenger. Chain him in the hold below, he'll fetch a pretty price when we reach Kongo.]

Maroon’s diamonds is a historical fiction novel set in the age of sail, dealing with themes such as how African civilizations dealt with the arrival of Europeans, the horrors of slavery and the middle passage and revenge.


Notes

Either you're not a native English speaker, or you carelessly threw this together and didn't proofread it. I'm guessing it's the former, in which case your options are to get it published in your native language, hoping it's successful enough that the English language rights sell, or to have it edited before sending it off or to get more proficient at English.

Ignoring the language and wordiness, this is one of the better book descriptions we've had lately. Not too much setup, good summary of the main plot, we know the stakes, the obstacles, and the plan. It's also a story that hasn't been told a million times. Not everyone knows the Portuguese were the main players in the early African slave trade, thanks to some pope granting them exclusive rights to pillage everything south of the Canary Islands (or something like that--my limited knowledge comes from researching my book The History of the World in Tweets).

Not everyone will know what you mean by a maroon community; capitalizing it, though not necessary, would keep readers from thinking you mean "marooned" or that you mean the color maroon or that you mean a community of morons.

Here's a less-wordy version of what you've written, a better length for a query:

Mbungu is a prince, first in the line of succession of Kongo, the most powerful kingdom in Africa. He’s arrogant and loves to lead his armies in war. Portuguese advisers in his father’s court entice the kingdom to go to war again and again, so that the conquered people can be sold to them as slaves. The slaves are sent on voyages from which no African has ever returned.

When Mbungu refuses the advice of the Portuguese to change the laws of the kingdom so most crimes become punishable by slavery, the Portuguese plot with his envious half-brother, Ngonde, to assassinate him and his father. On a military expedition to pacify southern provinces, the royal entourage is ambushed by Ngonde's troops, armed with foreign muskets. Mbungu’s forces are easily defeated; he avoids death, but his father is killed. Trying to pass as a common soldier, Mbungu is captured, sold to the Portuguese, and makes a long and terrible journey to Brazil.

In Brazil Mbungu sees the horrible fate awaiting those enslaved by the Europeans. After much suffering, he escapes and reaches a safe haven, a Maroon community in the jungle. There he finds former enemies who want him dead, but their leader pardons his past sins on condition that he work to stop the slave trade. Mbungu is given several diamonds with which to finance a mission to Kongo to end Portuguese influence in the kingdom--and get revenge on Ngonde.

At 75,000? words, Maroon’s Diamonds is historical fiction set in the Age of Sail, dealing one man's quest for justice and revenge against the backdrop of the African slave trade.


A clean query might get some attention, but that won't matter if the book also needs extensive cleaning up.

The apostrophe is probably wrong in the title. And the diamonds aren't important enough to be in the title anyway.

New Beginning 1008

The rain must have heard her swearing, as it obligingly pounded even more heavily on the windscreen. Saucer-sized drops blattered onto the glass. Molly flicked the hi-beam on, leaned forward in her seat, and squinted through the clear trail briefly left in the wiper’s wake. Which gave her a great view of, oh, at least five metres ahead. Piece of cake driving this way. Her knuckles turned white on the steering wheel.

The turn-off should be coming up. Unless she had already missed it. It was a private driveway on a narrow country road; something easy enough to slip past even on a clear day.

There would be a glass of red waiting for her, logs smouldering in the fireplace and easy banter with her two oldest friends. Bliss.

“Bit of help please Darcy.”

The figure in the seat beside her pulled his face out of the coat he was probably surgically attached to, and turned slowly. He even pulled out those earbuds – she should feel honoured. She glanced at him and even now her heart fell at the sight of the acne coating his cheeks and forehead.

“Rain looks heavy,” he mumbled. Probably the longest sentence he had uttered for six months.

“Exactly. Look out for the turnoff. It’s on your side”

“What ‘bout the GPS?”

“Now why didn’t I think of that? Gosh, I wonder if it’s because private roads aren’t usually–”

An ear-bashing bang jolted through the cabin and a mountain of white suddenly appeared in front of her as the airbags activated.


"It's raining cats and dogs and you're lost. Your kid is sitting next to you, texting and listening to Good Charlotte. You've never driven this road before. So you don't know about the giant bullfrogs that only come out in the rain.

"It's times like this when you're thankful you're in the good hands of Allstate."


Opening: Corinne A......Continuation: Khazar-khum

Face-Lift 1141

Guess the Plot

The Brother's Band

1. On the road with the band. The sex, the drugs, the backstage parties. One wild Gregorian-chanting monk tells all.

2. Lily's always been drawn to troubled musicians. Dylan's a troubled singer in a British band. When Lily quits her job and moves in with Dylan, she discovers he's a coke addict and trades him in for his brother Thomas. The big question: Will the baby be named Dylan Thomas or Thomas Dylan?

3. Impotent athletic-supporter, Sgt. R. Latex knows what he is holding up. His brother from another mother, Pvt. S. Latex, has taken one for the team and future children are seriously in doubt. From the battlefields of war the brothers return to their hometown rubber factory and buoy up their quest for an heir.

4. When Jax Planton, lead singer for the Peruvian Drag Queen Boxers, is found stabbed to death behind the Golden Bird, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things. One, "Jax" was really a Jill, and two, man the Golden Bird has really gone downhill since his brother's band played there.

5. Cindy sings blues for brother Fire Robinson’s Blues Band. Their shows are stalked by a sadistic serial killer. Washington Detective Wilson Waters arrests Fire on erroneous evidence. Cindy and singer Earthy Edith find the killer and free Fire from phony charges. Also, a litany of artless alliteration.

6. Jesse forms a band that includes his brother Frank and buddies Cole, Jim, John, and Bob. They don't play music; they prey on banks and trains. All is fun until the Northfield fans boo with Winchesters and Colts.

7. After the Civil War, rebel soldier Virgil Jenkins wants to form a band of marauders to bring mayhem and destruction to the North. He can't get anyone to join him, though, so it ends up being just him.



Original Version

Travel agent by day and cocktail waitress by night, Lily Mitchell contentedly divides her spare time between her two true loves—classic lit and modern rock. At twenty-six, Lily has realized that despite her normal, uneventful childhood, she’s drawn to troubled musicians and other men in need of fixing. Determined to stop making the same mistakes, Lily initially refuses the advances of Dylan Parker, the mysterious and sexy lead singer of a popular British rock band. But Dylan is smart, hardworking, and humble, and he quickly wins her over, proving that he’s nothing like the cheaters and losers she’s dated before. [Was it the cheating and losing that made the musicians she dated previously "troubled"? If not, what about them needed fixing?]

Lily and Dylan’s relationship moves at whirlwind pace, and Lily has never been happier or more satisfied. Dylan’s passion and enthusiasm for every aspect of life is contagious and Lily finds herself drawn quickly into his world. She travels to his hometown in the U.K. and learns that Dylan’s sister died in a childhood accident, a fact which helps explain the extreme closeness and fierce loyalty between Dylan and his brother / band-mate Thomas.

Lily and Dylan share the perfect love, so perfect that Lily doesn’t notice the initial red flags—the bloodshot eyes, the sudden mood changes, [the nosebleeds, the traces of white powder on his upper lip every time he comes back from the other room,] or the constant energy flowing from Dylan. By the time Lily discovers that Dylan abuses cocaine, she’s already moved in with him and quit working. When Dylan’s addiction leads to abuse, [Abuse of Lily? She dumped the other losers she dated, what's she waiting for this time?] Lily finds comfort in Thomas, the only other person who cares as deeply for Dylan as she does. As Dylan spirals further out of control, however, Lily is forced to question whether Thomas’ behavior is motivated by his loyalty to Dylan or his love of her. [Tell me what behavior you're talking about, and I'll tell you what's motivating it. For instance, if he's screwing Lily, I'd say it's not out of loyalty to Dylan.] Lily’s love for both brothers jeopardizes everything she believes she wants. [She's torn between the abusive drug addict and the nice guy.] But in the end, it is an unexpected pregnancy which threatens to break the bonds between Lily, Dylan, and Thomas. [Is the pregnancy unexpected because they haven't had sex or because it's one of the guys who's pregnant?]

The Brother’s Band delves into the classic literary themes of romantic love, brotherly love, passion and betrayal, [If you successfully show the themes of the book in your plot summary, you don't need to declare them.] incorporating a short quote from a well-known romantic tragedy at the start of each chapter. The Brother’s Band is complete at 84,000 words and the full manuscript is available on request. I appreciate your time and I look forward to hearing from you.


Notes

Should the apostrophe be after the "s" in the title? If not, which brother is the one in the title?

This is mostly setup. You can set it up in two sentences:

Lily Mitchell knows from experience that rock stars are all cheaters and losers, so she's reluctant to hook up with Dylan Parker. But the sexy singer wins her over, and they share the perfect love--until Dylan's drug addiction drives him to beating her senseless on a regular basis.

That leaves plenty of room to tell us what happens. Does anything happen?

You could drop the first two paragraphs and start with the third, adding a few details to identify the characters. Here's what I want to know, plot-wise: You already said Dylan abused cocaine, so I assume the next mention of abuse is abuse of Lily. What exactly does he do? What is this "behavior" by Thomas that Lily finds so ambiguous?

For that matter, you could drop everything and start:

Lily Mitchell is pregnant, and the baby's father is a member of British rock band Dylan, Thomas, and the Walers. Unfortunately, she's not sure which member. Is it Dylan, the sexy, abusive drug addict? Is it Thomas, the boring all-around sweet guy? Or is it Ringo, the clueless drummer?

That gets us right to the conflict that's the heart of the book, the part that makes us want to read it.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Tarina's Lady

1. Jim Luck is trying life out as a girl, desperate to improve his circumstances. He's got a huge wig, a fabulous outfit and a blind date -- with Ike Tarina. Little does Jim know, Mr. T is a notorious drug dealer looking forward to a night of crime.

2. During the French revolution Count Tarina hid his family treasure under a Parisian mansion. The family was killed by a mob, but the treasure was never found. Centuries later a ghostly countess urges the current residents to excavate the cellar. Will they find gold and jewels? Or will the undermined house collapse in a sinkhole, killing them all?

3. Jewel thief Bud Winkerstein and cat burglar Stella Deluxe join forces to relieve a ruthless billionaire of the painting Tarina's Lady, but plans change when they discover a gallery full of stolen masterpieces in the billionaire's basement -- masterpieces which hold encoded secrets that spell d-o-o-m for an unbearable cooking show hostess.

4. The cruel Lord of Tarina Manor dies of Plague. His oppressed wife takes over and manages the estate very well -- simultaneously increasing chicken and barley production, decoding the secrets of strange relics from an ancient barrow, and carrying on torrid affairs with numerous well-endowed neighboring royals.

5. After Jasper the Jubilant gets thrown out of his home, his ex-lover, Madi, lets him move in with her. Out of gratitude, Jasper the Jubilant writes a song to honor her, titled "Tarina's Lady." Will Madi be impressed enough to rekindle their romance?

6. The tiny Italian mountain town of Tarina was bombed to splinters in World War II, but the town's statue of the Virgin Mary survived without a scratch. Now a descendant of the statue's sculptor wants to know who stole her so he can retrieve the ancient fortune hidden inside.


Original Version

Dear Agent,

Tarina’s Lady is set in a world where magic is commonplace, and offers its own challenges to the inhabitants. Jasper the Jubilant senses his brother’s impending death but is helpless to prevent it. [For his brother is named Irving the Incurable.] A penniless bachelor, Jas [the Jube] defies tradition in order to raise his brother’s orphans himself. When his landlady throws them out, Jas has no one to turn to except his former lover Madi [the Magnanimous]. Jasper has his doubts about the wisdom of moving in with Madi, but the security of the children is more important than any risk to his heart.

A corporal in the city guard, Madi prides herself on being as tough and ruthless as her job requires, but she can’t resist playing the gallant knight to Jasper’s damsel in distress. She welcomes Jasper and his niece and nephew into her home, expecting them to be nothing more than a temporary nuisance. [Don't you just hate it when you allow your ex-lover to move into your house and he never leaves?] Then her feline familiar spots a corpse floating in the river. Madi performs a ritual on the body and discovers that the death was no accident. [Most people, informed that there's a corpse floating in the river, would alert the authorities, rather than fishing it out and performing a ritual on it. Kudos to Madi for not trusting the lazy corrupt government.] Shaken by what she has seen, [She prides herself on being tough and ruthless, but she's shaken at the discovery that a body floating in the river is murder?] Madi returns home and finds unexpected comfort in Jasper’s arms -- a comfort that is shattered when Jasper’s sister Ingrid [the Ignominious] catches them together and demands the return of the children. [Return of the children . . . to her? When did Ingrid the Ignominious ever have them? They can't be the children of Jasper's brother and his sister. Unless . . . Ewwww.] Outraged by Ingrid [the Insufferable]’s behavior, Madi vows to help Jas keep the children.

For his part, Jas refuses to surrender his niece and nephew to his unfeeling sister, but the case against his guardianship claim grows stronger by the day. In a desperate bid to strengthen his claim, Madi proposes marriage, [She dumped this guy a year ago because he was a penniless mooch. Now he's a penniless mooch with two kids in tow, and she's willing to marry him just to irritate his sister?] and Jasper has to decide just how far he will go to keep the children with him. Can he really trap the woman he loves into a marriage of convenience? [Hey, it was her idea.] Or worse yet, condemn his bereaved niece and nephew into the hands of a woman who cares more for the dead than the living? [I assume you mean Ingrid, but it's not clear what you mean by she cares for the dead.]

A fantasy novel with a strong romantic plot line, Tarina’s Lady is complete at 92,000 words. I am currently working on another novel set in the same universe. [Thanks for narrowing down the setting of your next book to only one universe. Could you go a little farther and reveal whether it's set in the same galaxy as this book?] Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


[note on the title: Tarina is the name of the patron goddess of female warriors, and "Tarina's Lady" is the name of a song Jas writes about Madi.]
 

Notes

If the corpse in the river is a vital plot point, tell us more about it. Who is it, and what does it have to do with these characters? If it isn't, drop it from the query, because right now it's creating more questions than it's answering.

I'd like more about the ramifications of magic being commonplace. Madi has a familiar and performs a ritual. Who else has magical powers? Everyone? Ingrid? If the Jas-Madi relationship (Jas-Madi? Isn't that a strain of rice?) is the main plot thread, how is it, specifically, affected by magic?

What's Ingrid's motivation? Is she better able to support the kids? Does she have a long-standing feud with Jas? Jas being penniless, you might make it clear why the kids are better off with him. There are hints that Ingrid is an ogre, but why not spell it out?

What, exactly, has Jasper got to be so jubilant about?


Selected Comments

Dave said...I have a question. What are the limits of magic on this world? What can a character do and what can't they do?

You see, without limits, all Jaspar has to do is enchant Madi and his nephew and niece and all their troubles are over. Or doesn't that work?


Anonymous said...Perhaps indicate how magic is integral to the story when you revise the query. I'll quote Lawrence Watt-Evans', who says, "[i]f you're going to the trouble of writing a fantasy story, then the entire plot should evolve from the fantasy elements."


Robin L. said...I find it disorienting when an author introduces a character, then calls him or her by a nickname like an old buddy. This is a formal, business letter and I'd keep the way you refer to him formal, and keep pronunciation issues at bay. If he's called Jas in the book by Madi - that's fine - but no need for the narrator or author to refer to him that way.


Anonymous said...If you hadn't said magic was commonplace we'd never know because most of what you mention is ordinary stuff for Family Court and these people seem unable to solve any problems. It sounds like 87% plain ol' custody battle. If the commonplace magic can't solve a mere housing shortage, I'm not too impressed. Can't he even get a shovel and dig a nice burrow? It sounds like a too-elaborate set-up to "make" an unwilling Jes take refuge in the briar patch of the unwilling ex gf's place. The premise seems to boil down to something like this:

Madi is a busy sorceress with a murder to investigate. When her homeless ex-boyfriend, Jes, comes crawling back with his orphaned relations and his mojo on the fritz, she gives them refuge in the basement, on the condition they do all the cooking, cleaning, animal care, shopping, and doorbell answering because the sinister Murderer might show up any minute and Madi needs a fall guy she can afford to sacrifice. Jes hopes he can get his mojo working, but he just can't and everyone in his family is a troublemaking nightmare bitch except the cute little orphans. Madi and Jes have no love for each other but will they marry for the children's sake? Or will the Murdering Maniac suddenly end all their struggles for happiness? Stay tuned next week for another installment of As The Witch Turns...

Sounds like soap opera. If it was my story I'd shrink the custody battle to a few pages of backstory, crank up the efficacy of that magic, cut the convoluted and illogical "I don't want to marry you but I must" subplot, and get on with the murder mystery.


Wonderwood said...Fantasy isn't my genre of choice, so I may be way off base here, but I would think if the story happens in a land where magic is commonplace, it needs to be more evident in the query. Some examples of how the characters use magic or are affected by it. The query gives me no compelling reason to read the book. It sounds like a custody battle in a land of magic. Big deal. What are the stakes? Custody of the kids? What are the consequences if the sister gets the kids? Is their well-being in danger? If so, it needs to be clear in the query. What happens if ol' Jas gets the kids? They become jubilant also? Also, what's the ex's motivation for marrying Jas? If it's the safety of the kids, make it clear, and if it's not, what is it?


writtenwyrdd said...I actually liked anon's humorous plot synopsis. It does read like a soap opera, but it could still work as a comedy.

My thoughts as I read this query were that the magic doesn't seem necessary, and that's bad; and that the pov character, or the significant one anyhow, seems to be Madi. She rescues the deadbeat Jaspar and his orphans; she is a guard mage hunting for a murderer, etc. So, perhaps consider having Madi be the focus of the query letter.


Rashenbo said...Bud Winkerstein is the best name EVER! :) I was surprised with the "evil" sister coming into the picture. I'm left wondering what is more pivotal to the plot... the sister and kids... or the dead body.


Nancy said...This sounded more like a romance novel set in the middle ages as opposed to a fantasy novel. You've told us that magic is commonplace; can you give us an example?

It also seems to me that Madi is the MC, not Jas. She's the one going around doing things, while Jas is doing...what?


Redfox said...I second the above opinions. There's not enough magic in the plot (as described) for mainstream fantasy, and not enough escapism and HEA for one of the specialist fantasy romance lines. There are fantasy novels with no magic in them, but they usually rely on swashbuckling and intrigue to supply the entertainment quotient. This on the other hand sounds like a mainstream women's novel set in a rather bland generic medieval fantasy world. Meh.

On the other hand if it were anonymous's suggested take on the characters - Madi as MC investigating the murder, with Jas's problems as the subplot - I'd be much more interested.

Oh, and Jasper the Jubilant sounds like a name from a kid's book or a cheesy comic fantasy - it just doesn't fit the serious tone of the rest of the query...

Don't give up on the book - I think you could have a good story here that's either being poorly represented by your query, or needs reworking into something more saleable in the fantasy market.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Semi-Sentient Soap Scum on the Prowl

1. With the cancellation of If I Did It, O.J. Simpson's ghostwriter comes forward to tell his own story.

2. A pharmaceutical genius tries to turn millions of men with hair loss problems into zombies with his brain-sucking Rogaine shampoo.

3. Investigating an attempt on his life, an overworked--but very clean--private eye is drawn into political intrigue when a spacewoman crashes to Earth.

4. At the 2007 Housewares Show, Mike Hawker demonstrates the latest in dishwashing technology: nano soap! But things get out of hand when an unsuspecting book editor, mistaking it for popcorn, swallows a whole bag.

5. When Marge Norge bought her long-abandoned mid-century modern House of the Future, she envisioned a Jetsons life, with herself as Jane in an apron. But the Kitchen of the Future has other plans.

6. Persnickety spinster Amelia Pettipants returns to Boring-on-End to discover her tiny cottage in a mess. Partridge, her char, has disappeared, leaving only a dirty mop bucket as a cryptic message. Can the busybody sleuth find her maid before the Vicar's visit? Or will dust and spotty teacups once again spell murder?


Original Version

Attention Evil Editor:

For Marlowe, an over-worked and oft-worked-over private eye, resurrection is just the start of another long day where nothing can be taken for granted. Not the bar of soap that just murdered him, not the vacuous-looking dog on the corner that has attained a ranking of chess Grandmaster, [As nothing can be taken for granted, could you clarify whether it's the dog or the corner that's a Grandmaster?] and certainly not the flock of colorful birds that control the city's largest crime syndicate. [This should be a cartoon. The crime boss will be a bird who talks like Edward G. Robinson. Get it? ROBINson.] In the dark streets, underground lairs, and seedy salons of a city rebelling against the tyranny of gravity, Marlowe has his work cut out for him. He has to track down the homicidal soap that killed him so he can find out who hired it and why, [Whom do you ask whether they've seen any suspicious-looking soap? A snitch washcloth?] all while being dragged into the political intrigue that erupts when a spacewoman crashes to earth smack dab in the middle of his investigation.

Semi-Sentient Soap Scum on the Prowl is a 98,000 word novel set in the near future of an alternate reality. [When you find yourself in an alternate reality, how do you know whether it's the past, present or future?] In Marlowe's world, the unbelievable is true, the believable a deception, [So if Marlowe doesn't believe soap murdered him, it did, but if he believes soap murdered him, he's been deceived. It sounds like one of those logic riddles where one person always lies and the other person always tells the truth and you have to think of a question to ask that will reveal which is which. The answer is always something convoluted like: If I asked the washcloth whether the soap murdered me, and it said Yes, would it be lying?, and figuring out if that actually works is never worth the trouble.] and the absurd commonplace. It is a dark noir science fiction novel with humor in the vein of Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series [It, too, has an amusing title. Any other similarities should be left to the reader to discover.] and Isidore Haiblum's Tom Dunjer novels.

Thank you for your time. If you are interested, I would be happy to send my manuscript for your consideration. I have enclosed an S.A.S.E. for your convenience.


Notes

The dog and birds are examples of the world's absurdity, but their role in the plot, if any, isn't made clear. I'm sure there's more here than a series of absurdities. Tell us what happens in the book. All we have for plot is the last sentence of the first paragraph.


Selected Comments

Cynthia Bronco said...I completely baffled. It doesn't mean that I won't be able to suspend disbelief when reading your book, maybe and maybe not.


December Quinn said...I think it sounds like fun. I'd like to see more about the spacewoman intrigue, though, just to get a sense of what it is--do the town elders try to hide her, or kill her, or what?

It isn't my cup of tea, really, but I do think it sounds fun. My brother would probably really enjoy it.


Dave said...A detective named Marlowe in a NOIR story. How original. I think that Sam Shovel would be a better choice.

You are way, way, way too enamored of the absurd apsects of your alternate reality. Absurdity is not a plot. In Hitchhikers, Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect are trying to save their lives, and after that - just survive.

In your novel, Marlowe is killed, resurrected, has a spacewoman fall at his feet and gets involved in political intrigue. That's your plot. Oh yes, he's qualified to investigate his own death, objectively and without passion.

What sort of political intrigue? Do the flock of mafia pigeons, chess dog and anti-gravity play a part in the plot (other than to serve as weirdness to disorient the reader)?

And then there's those killer nanomachines in the soap. Who sent them and why? That's got to be part of the plot.

Now as for title:
a) The title of the movie Semi-Tough works because all the characters say "semi-" at various times. And they are half-assed football players.
b) Soap Scum on the Prowl has a nice ring. The Semi-sentient is flogging a dead horse.
c) "Men In Black" was a perfect title. It pointed to the characters and it didn't reveal the absurdity of the plot.


Bernita said...Can something sound both turgid and spacey at the same time?


JTC said...I knew it wasn't GTP #4. The title of that one is . . . Evil Editor -The Beginning.

I liked this one when it was submitted under New Beginnings and I am still intrigued. Bad query or no, I would like to read more.


Rei said..."Semi-Sentient Soap Scum"? Author, an appeal: avoid alliteration, as abolishing auditory acrimony achieves an all-important authorial accomplishment.


writtenwyrdd said...Like Dave says, you're obviously in love with the elements of your story. They do sound amusing as hell, and I really would like to know more; but you need to have a story to tell, and I also see nothing to indicate the story.

Also, re the title: Alliteration is NOT your friend here. It sounds not just slapstick, but patronizing. Writing down to your readers will not work in your favor. Make the joke with them, and make them feel smart for getting it because you don't tell them everything.

One final comment: Are you sure that the nano soap is semi-sentient and hired? Perhaps it is just a tool? You are going to have to explain the autonomy of devices like soap--and litter the environment with such items--in order for it to work in the milieu.

Still, if you manage to pull this one off as well as Robert Rankin or Douglas Adams, I'd be a fan!


Dave said...The best title I ever read for anything was on a cheesy and nearly unwatchable teen slasher flick. It actually won awards for best title.

It was (get ready now): "Sorority Babes at the Slimeball Bowlerama"

The video store rented that movie day after day just based on the title and the movie was garbage, trash, junk, illiterate manure, and not even a good laugh or a good blood splatter. What an effing waste of good title. That's not how you want to be remembered.

Miss Snark Cooks

Here's a new film I put together from a writing exercise submitted by the late Chris Eldin.You can get a bigger picture at YouTube.

Feedback Request

The author of the query featured in Face-Lift 1139 has posted a new revision and awaits your reaction.