Evil Editor's Blog, page 132

Face-Lift 1134

Guess the Plot

The Unlove Spell

1. Liz could get a chance with Travis if he just fell out of love with Miss Perfect Maddison. So she sells her soul for the unlove spell which backfires and makes her completely unlovable, even to her parents. Unloved by all and without a soul, she then sets off on her future career in law.

2. Shazina has discovered the recipe for destroying true love, but will she use it to turn Janelle's head her way? Also, a hot boy sidekick.

3. Searching for some missing fellow witches, Marling comes face-to-face with Viktor, the only man in the world she can love (because the unlove spell she cast on herself prevents her from loving all others). But just because she can love him doesn't mean she does. Does she?

4. Helen loves Denny who loves Hermoine, who loves Lenny, who shares Hermoine's love but Hermoine's parents want their daughter to marry Denny. Fairies get involved, where it all goes haywire, and they all end up with the wrong person.

5. Prince Rudolph is set to marry the homely, nasty-tempered Princess Quincella. Court sorceress Alli Acahaman brews him a love potion to make the marriage work. Unfortunately, when he drinks it on the wedding night, he falls in love--with the Princess's fluffy gray cat. Hilarity ensues.

6. Kaley thought her spell would only keep the dorks away, but soon she realizes all men keep her at arm's length. What's a prom queen to do when she's completely unlovable?



Original Version

Marling Ellis was a young witch working, blogging, searching for her identity and drinking cocoa alone in New York City. Falling in love seemed unlikely, especially with a sexy Russian writer like Viktor Arson. [Why "especially"?] Only problem is, Marling’s a little impulsive. Okay, VERY impulsive. [This makes it sound like Marling impulsively falls in love.] Four days into her relationship with Viktor, Marling placed an unlove spell on herself so that she could never fall in love with anyone else. [Not clear whether that means never fall in love with anyone ever again, or never fall in love with anyone except Viktor. Was she in love with Viktor?] The next day, she dumped him... [Why? Impulsiveness explains why she does things without thinking them through, but there needs to be a reason she thinks about doing them in the first place.] and not long after, she gave up on magic. [Why?] [I see no reason this paragraph shouldn't be in present tense. The plot may take place 5 years later, but as long as you transition into it by saying "Five years later..." you'll be okay.]

Five years later, Marling’s not falling in love; [Of course not. The unlove spell. If she were falling in love, that would be news.] she’s falling asleep at the desk of her day job at Moonhorse Publishing [Obviously she's an editor.] (or sneaking to the bathroom for phone calls). [People who work at publishing companies spend all their time on the phone. No need to sneak to the bathroom, unless it's to get a few quiet moments away from the phone.] And Viktor is a world famous writer of books about magical beings. The twist? He’s a magical being too—half fae, and a prince no less. [When did she learn this?] Which is bad. Bad, bad, bad. According to the magic history books that Marling never bothered to finish reading, the witches and the fae have been at war with each other for a long time, and loads of witches have recently gone missing. [Is that last part in the magic history books?] Together with her hipstery Type-A former magic tutor, Kyran, Marling embarks on a bungled adventure to Russia to rescue the missing witches [It's not a bungled adventure until she bungles it.] [What makes her think the missing witches are in Russia?] and come face to face with her former lover to finally decide…does she really love him? Or is it just the unlove spell? [Is what just the unlove spell?]

The Unlove Spell is a romantic urban fantasy with a heavy dose of comedy, and is approximately 72,000 words.

My name is ______________. [No need for this if you remember to put your name after the "Sincerely,"] I’m the author of dark comedy Death and Mr. Right (Spence City, 10/2013). I have extensive professional marketing and branding experience, and have built a platform for The Unlove Spell since its inception, through the use of various forms of social media. [The rest of this paragraph isn't needed.] I use tumblr, twitter and Facebook to connect with fans, share snippets of my work and answer writing questions. I regularly take part in book-related and sci-fi themed events where I meet potential readers, and I teach a popular writing class at conventions. I also conduct interviews with creative professionals. Some of my recent interviews include #1 NYT Bestselling author Jennifer L. Armentrout, goth rocker Aurelio Voltaire and fashion designers Dmitry Sholokhov and Fabio Costa.

I read on your website that you’re looking for women’s fiction in the urban fantasy genre. I believe The Unlove Spell would be a good fit for you. I look forward to hearing back from you soon!

Sincerely,


Notes

What was the point of the spell? Apparently after knowing him four days Marling was in love with Viktor, and used the spell because she didn't trust herself not to fall in love with someone else? (Kind of silly considering Viktor could dump her the next day.) Then she dumped him and five years later she can't figure out if she loves him or if she's having those fluttery feelings because he's the only person the spell doesn't prevent her from loving?

Wouldn't it be better to put the unlove spell on Viktor? So that he will love no one but her? As it is, even if she realizes she loves him, it's been five years. He's moved on. He's found a lover who isn't such a loon.

If I had a dime for every publishing professional who fell in love with a sexy writer I wouldn't be working for a living. Why is it so unlikely that Marling would fall for a sexy writer?

I think the voice is good. It captures the humorous tone of the novel. But it feels disorganized. The first paragraph is all setup, and I expect the second to take us through the plot, but instead it's mostly the setup of the situation five years later. Tell us a story.

If Marling is the name her parents gave her, I'm pretty sure she'd be going by her middle name.

Do we need an unlove spell? She falls in love with a Russian writer whose book she's editing, but he returns to Russia. Five years later she's had nothing but failed relationships, and goes looking for the only man she'll ever love. It's more romantic if she goes to Russia looking for her true love than for missing witches. A witch who's given up on magic might as well not be a witch.

I've done some minor maintenance on the Evil Editor store...

I've done some minor maintenance on the Evil Editor store. The big change is that over in the sidebar, the link now says "SHOP" instead of "STORE."

Also, you may now purchase Evil Editor Strips directly from the store instead of from Paypal.

Also, I fixed some technical problems caused by forgetting to do something when I did something else.

Face-Lift 1133

Guess the Plot

Line of Dissent

1. When Protestantism is outlawed in France, Denis Lefebvre flees and braves Turkish slave ships and Caribbean maritime battles to reach England, eventually winning the earldom of Maundale. But later generations of Lefebvres fight for religious freedom in France.

2. Ethan is a spider/human hybrid who sells his artistic webs. His "friends" are always making fun of him. When humans start attacking Ethan's "friends" with brooms, Ethan could spin a rescue line for them, or just watch them all die. Also, a toddler who eats spiders.

3. Hank loved Sue, who divorced him for Greg, while Hank married Ellen and had an affair with Terri, who split with Don and had a baby with Kim, while Greg found love with Hannah, who was in love with Michael, who was really Celine's daughter in disguise.

4. Tenisha loathed being there, hated the weeping and pained faces, the gnarled bodies and fear-sweat. However, the mounting bills and repo man weren't going anywhere. So, she did all she could for the poor souls in the returns line at Walmart. Also, a guardian angel.

5. Kade joined the revolution too late. Imprisoned for treason, he fights for his only chance at freedom. If he makes it through the Line of Dissent he's a free man. If he doesn't he's dead. Ollie-Ollie-Oxen-free!

6. Inspired by the hard lives of Vietnamese frog farmers in Yemen, Smith undergrad Moon Halstead embarks on a search for her Korean birth mother and the true nature of her sexuality.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

When Louis XIV revokes the Edict of Nantes and eliminates the free practice of Protestantism in France, [Isn't that saying the same thing twice?] the young and rash Denis Lefebvre, son of the Huguenot Count d’Abreaux, must flee the country. He braves Turkish slave ships, Caribbean maritime battles, and political and religious enemies of the Huguenot cause before he arrives safely in Protestant England, [If passage from France to England involves battles in the Caribbean, I think I'd just become Catholic.] eventually winning the earldom of Maundale [What exactly does one have to do to win the earldom of Maundale?] and establishing a safe haven for fellow refugees. [England being Protestant, I would think the whole country is a safe haven for fellow refugees. What needs to be established is a way to get there without braving Turkish slave ships and Caribbean maritime battles.] But when the scars of Denis's adventures turn him into a brute and his son's flight to safety [Safety from Denis?] turns into a quest for Denis's redemption, the Lefebvre family must re-enter the fight for French religious liberty.

Across the ocean, in colonial Providence, another family of religious dissenters, the Nasons, works hand-in-hand with Roger Williams to establish a land where inhabitants can truly find freedom to practice any faith — an idea previously unheard of in Western civilization. But when Williams sends one of the family back across the Atlantic to attract more settlers, the Nasons suffer at the hands of pirates and politicians — occupations as subtly different then as now — [and] they must fight for survival in a way [for which] colonial life never prepared them. [It's now a sentence, but still unwieldy. Maybe you should end it after "then as now." The rest is vague. If you can't tell us why their survival is at stake, I'd rather you didn't bring it up.]

Line of Dissent follows the Lefebvre and Nason families in an adventure saga spanning three generations, chronicling their struggle amidst the whirlwind of political, familial, religious, military, and — since this is a traditional adventure story, after all — romantic upheaval that eventually developed into freedom of religion in the West. The fast-paced yarn is complete at 84,000 words. [I don't think I'd refer to one book as both a saga spanning three generations and a fast-paced yarn.]

Thanks for your consideration.

Regards,


Notes

In what way are these two families connected? It sounds like two books unless you tell us how they're brought together at some point. It's like opening with a paragraph about Sherlock Holmes, and then starting the next paragraph, Meanwhile, across the ocean in Texas, another crime fighter known as the Lone Ranger...

Three generations times two families equals six sets of main characters, with settings in France, England, the US and the Caribbean. 84,000 words sounds like barely enough to devote to three generations of one family.

It's hard enough to make us want to read a book when you focus the query on one character; true, Denis is the only fictional character named, but I'm not sure he's in more than a fifth of the book.

If a Nason meets a Lefebvre at some point, get us there quickly and tell us what happens with them. If they don't meet, convince us something is holding this together.

Q & A

Considering the following passage, would YOU state that the format is grammatically correct? This is verbatim from a published title of a British author and is representative of an issue I found throughout the book. Admittedly self-pub.

"I'm sorry," His gruff voice echoed in the small space. "I shouldn't have done that,"

Is there truly a difference in quotation construction between British and 'American' English? To me, the quote should have been written:

"I'm sorry," his gruff voice echoed in the small space. "I shouldn't have done that."


There are differences in everything between British and "American" English. Including quotation construction, but those differences involve whether the punctuation mark (comma or period) goes inside the quotation marks or outside them. Also, in Britain single quotation marks are commonly (but not always) used around quotes, rather than double. You apparently are British, as you used single quotation marks around "American," whereas an American would have used double quotation marks.

Sentences end with periods. "I shouldn't have done that" needs a period, not a comma. But it would not be wrong for Brits to use single quotes and put the period (full stop) outside the quotation marks: 'I shouldn't have done that'.

The other problematic area depends on whether "His gruff voice" starts a new sentence or is a dialogue tag. You can't argue that the comma after "sorry," proves it's not a new sentence, because the author shows in the last sentence that he uses commas when he means periods. If "I'm sorry" is the complete sentence, it should have a period. If it isn't, "His" should not be capitalized.

To me it seems more likely that we should keep the capital H and change the comma to a period, because of the word "echoed." ['echoed'.] To be certain, I would need to see the previous sentence. If it's: "I'm sorry," he said, then it makes sense to follow that with "I'm sorry," his voice echoed. If he hasn't already said "I'm sorry," how can his voice echo "I'm sorry"? [Note that even though I'm American, I've put the question mark outside the quotation marks. That's because both British and American publications put the question mark and exclamation mark outside; it's the comma and period that we differ on, and over which we fought the War of 1812.]

With the period after "I'm sorry," he first apologizes and then, in a new sentence His gruff voice echoes: sorry sorry sorry. (We infer the echoing.) This is followed by his saying, "I shouldn't have done that that that." Out of curiosity, what did he do?
The rarity with which men apologize for anything has me thinking this is fantasy. Right?

Feedback Request

The author of the query featured in Face-Lift 1130 has posted a revision in the comments there, and awaits your input.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Eat, Drink and Be Married

1. Felicia Jordan's matchmaking service for plus-sized people has been hugely successful. But her clients are dying even faster than their doctors expected—and hunky Detective Logan Price, investigating the case, fears that Felicia will be next.

2. After one too many bar fights, an alcoholic lesbian slut falls in love, becomes a parent, and lives happily ever after.

3. After sampling the Faerie feast together, Willie Van Winkle wakes up before his brother Rip, and knocks up his daughter. Can he find the feast table and get back to sleep before Rip wakes up and makes them marry?

4. Sam met Myrna at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. When she showed up again at AA the following week, he found himself taking a second look. Will the stresses of dieting and going cold turkey be too much for the two lovebirds, or will the next twelve steps they take lead to the altar?

5. Patricia, single and her biological clock ticking like a suicide bomber's watch, begins to dabble in love potions. When she accidentally discovers the secret ingredient by spilling her potion into the pomegranate punch at the PTA's dinner-dance, hilarity ensues.

6. Feverish and lost in the Forest of Doom, Jack Harper is saved by a stranger. Little does he know that eating a half-rotten apple and drinking from a leaky bowl completes the local marriage ritual. One sip later, he is married to a being known as the Crazy Zombie Granny With A Bouncy Afro.



Original Version

Dear Mr. or Ms. Agent Person,

What happens when a self-absorbed, self-destructive, young lesbian-about-town with a few addictions on the side inadvertently finds herself in the middle of a perfectly normal, healthy, and happy relationship? [Her fascinating, riveting story morphs into syrupy tripe?] "Eat, Drink and Be Married" is the story of living happily ever after when you weren't sure you were even going to live to be 30.

I recently read "I'm Too Sexy for My Volvo." Great book! It's full of laughable moments. [While "laughable" can mean what you want it to, it more commonly means "inviting ridicule." Definitely not what you want to say here.] Broken for You was also superb. Your appreciation for quirky new voices and true-life comedic-drama memoirs is clear, and you are exactly the kind of agent I am hoping to be represented by. [Don't forget to change the titles of the superb books you recently read when you send this to the other agents on your list.] [Better yet, talk about your book, instead of other authors'.]

"Eat, Drink and Be Married" is a 95,000 word completed memoir that details the hard work involved in not screwing up a good thing. The book is a chronicle of two women who have no business being in the same zip code, much less in love. But the power of the old adage "opposites attract" is alive and strong, [Changing "alive and well" to "alive and strong" doesn't make it less cliché; it makes it look like you got the cliché wrong.] and plays out with equal parts comedy and dramedy [If dramedy is a mix of drama and comedy, it would take a complex mathematical formula to prove a book is equal parts comedy and dramedy. Fortunately, we have Einstein's theory of general genretivity: G = c (d/2)] as the protagonist goes from bar fights and setting the land-speed record for being a complete slut [Slut records are kept in the quantity department, not in speed.] to getting sober, falling in love and, eventually, becoming a parent. Luckily, she doesn't loose [Lose. Loose is what she was when she was a slut.] her edge, her anger, or her internal hysteria along the way.

There is a solid market for good memoirs with a defined niche [No need to tell the agent her business.]­ especially when they offer an irreverent and unique voice on the mundane aspects of real life, love, and survival. This book is ideal for an audience of female readers ages 25-50, both gay and straight, and, of course, for guys who think "lesbian" is code for Girl-on-Girl Action. [That's your "defined niche"? All women under 50 and most men?] [Presumably you're sending this query to agents who handle lesbian books. I find it hard to believe any such agents would want to hear that the book is ideal for guys who think "lesbian" is code for Girl-on-Girl Action. Guys interested in girl-on-girl action don't buy books; they subscribe to lesbian porn sites . . . . or so I've been told.]

I also have a platform to bring to the marketing table. I was a regular commentator for San Diego's UPDATE, Gay.com, and TechnoDyke.com from 1997 to 2002 and the co-author of the best-selling game LTrivia. [This sounds more like credits than a platform. Unless you explain how this will lead to big sales.]

I hope you enjoy the pages I have included. Please let me know if you would like to see the complete manuscript. Once again, I would love to work with you and hope you'll decide to represent my book.

All the best,


Notes

Do these characters have names? How do they meet? Do they get married, as the title suggests? Can you provide more than one sentence of plot detail? We want to know what happens, not just who the characters are.

Is it an actual memoir, as opposed to fiction in the form of a memoir? Is there really a solid market for memoirs of unknowns? Because converting a memoir into a novel would be an interesting exercise.

Given that opposites supposedly attract, I'm not sure why radically different people would have no business in the same zip code.

Adjectives like "unique" and "ideal" are best left to publicists who describe your book on the back cover, usually without having read it. Authors should stick to the facts.


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...Well, the formula for equal parts comedy and dramady would be:

C+(C+D)/2=100%

so D= 2/3C, or the book is 33% drama and 67% comedy.


Wonderwood said...Concerning the math, assuming dramedy is 50% drama and 50% comedy, and comedy and dramedy are equal parts, that would make it 75% comedy, 25% drama.


Evil Editor said...A ridiculous assumption. How many dramedies would exist if the criteria insisted that they be precisely 50:50? Very few. Let's say an author will refer to a book as a dramedy if its ratio of comedy to drama is anywhere from 25:75 to 75:25. Then there are 50 possible ratios of comedy to drama, only one of which is 50:50. And each dramedy must have its ratio determined so that we can then move on to determining the ratio of pure comedy to dramedy.

To truly determine the comedy portion we not only need to know the makeup of the dramedy portion of the book, but also whether the author is counting the comedic portions of the dramedy twice, i.e. as both the comedy and as a portion of the dramedy. I'm not sure of the formula, but I think it involves the square root of pi.

Wonderwood said...EE, you have spoken a mathematical truth; however, consider this:

dramedy = 7 letters

dra = 3 letters

the "m" is shared

edy = 3 letters

thus the word "dramedy" is composed of equal parts "drama" and "comedy", thus my 50:50 assumption.
 

Robin S. said...I was never good in math at school. Expecially word problems.God, I have a headache now.


Ryoryo said...Using the formula stated, you end up with 75% comedy and 25% drama. Also, C+(C+D)/2 should add to 200% (to average comedy and dramedy, you'd need to divide the whole thing by 2 again).

(C+(C+D)/2)/2 = (2C/2+(C+D)/2)/2 = ((3C+D)/2)/2 = (3C+D)/4 = 1


Anonymous said...Don't try to sell this so much - it's too obvious - and from what I understand it only annoys the agent. Definitely not what you're after. Explain the plot (a lot more needed here) and let it sell itself.

Anonymous said...That was all narcissistic hype and no substance. Ever notice how a movie trailer in which none of the jokes are funny is death to box office because it proves the film fails as comedy? Same principle applies to queries and books. According to your "niche" boundaries I should be racing to buy this, but all of the guess plots were funnier than you and would be 10x more likely to get my actual $$ in the bookstore.

December Quinn said...That is lucky that she didn't lose her edge, her anger, or her internal hysteria! Because the world needs more edgy, angry, hysterical people raising children. I'm not saying the book or character doesn't have its appeal; just that you want to make sure you're expressing it.


Anonymous said...I'm a young bisexual woman, I'm pretty close to what your market should be. I wouldn't buy it. I read the back, if it appeals to me maybe the first couple pages. Unless the back had some really good hook you haven't thought of, or some friend pressed me to read it because they said the writing was good. I don't know enough about your character to connect to her. For me, at least, that's what sells a memoir, real or fictional, a deep connection to the character. Consider that when you rewrite.

In the mean time, somebody write number one! I love it.


Rei said...After getting through your query, I discovered that this novel is *not* like the intro made me think. Unless these two are Massachusetts residents or not American, they can't get married. Which made me think that you were doing a "lesbian finds the error of her ways and becomes straight" story. Your intro ticked me off to no end because of this. "... finds herself in the middle of a perfectly normal, healthy, and happy relationship". You pushed me straight into self-righteous-dyke rant mode. Oh, so I'm *not* happy with my partner? So, I'm not a *normal* person? Oh, so, two women being in a relationship is *unhealthy* (funny, given that we have lower STD transmission rates than straights)? Gee, thanks -- why don't you insult my mother while you're at it?

After getting through your query (which I agree with others -- it comes across as narcissistic), it seems that this isn't the case. There's only one line to suggest that this isn't the case, mind you -- "The book is a chronicle of two women who have no business being in the same zip code, much less in love." Of course, I have to get to the third paragraph before I get to that line.


pacatrue said...I don't get anywhere in the query that the protagonist ends up spending any time with a man in a relationship at all. Is it purely because of the word "married" in the title that people are getting this? Being married means a lot more than legal marriage - it can also be a personal, social, and religious vow as well. I feel like I know several lesbian or gay couples who consider themselves married and use that term as well as the terms "wife" "husband" and "spouse"**, despite the legal limitations.

But that's just my experience. It sounds like rei and Dave have a different one such that "marriage" instantly made them think of a legal relationship. I guess, the author will have to figure out how that term is used among the people buying her book, mostly lesbian women we seem to think, and make the call. The author's credits indicate to me that she should know how the words are used much more intelligently than me. Of course, following EE's suggestion of giving all the appropriate names (unless they are Chris and Sam of course) and the actual plot, instead of just the theme or setting, should make this misunderstanding less likely.

**The quotes around these words are citation quotes, not scare quotes.


acd said...The book can be an equal mix of comedy and dramedy if comedy = three times drama.

Thank you engineering school!


December Quinn said...Paca, the Smart Bitches just dd a post last week about how women buy m/m or m/f/m but not f/f or f/f/m. Shame, really. I think f/f scenes are hot...but apparently I'm in the minority of straight women who do.


blogless_troll said...I get the drinking and getting married, but what's with eating? Is she obese, or is that part of her sex addiction? And if it is, shouldn't it be drink first, then eat and get married?


pacatrue said...As a straight guy, I would like to say that it is possible for us to read a novel with lesbian protagonists that isn't simply because girl on girl action is a turn-on. I've only read a handful of romances in my life, I must admit, but probably my favorite is by Karin Kallmaker, a lesbian romance author and someone who could be a model for all romance authors. While there were 2-3 love scenes in the book I read that were very sexy, I also desperately wanted the two protagonists to fall in love because I thought they belonged together. I.e., I read it just like any other romance reader, only I didn't have to wade through some boring alpha male to enjoy it. The point is just that straight guys who read a lesbian romance read them for the same complex set of reasons that many women read male / male romance.

All that said, my understanding is that the lesbian romance market is, perhaps unfortunately, mostly lesbian and bisexual women, so make sure your query makes it clear how you know this market and can sell to them. Your credits indicate to me that you do and can. You and your agent can later figure out if you can expand beyond the core market.

By the way, does anyone know if my guess is correct about the market for lesbian genre fic? I know that lots of women read and buy m/m romance, such that that group might be bigger than actual gay men, but I don't get the impression that they read lesbian stuff to the same degree at all and that EE is right that most men who want girl/girl action are staring at pics, not reading novels. I think I'm an exception for knowing who Karin Kallmaker is and appreciating her as a writer.


Dave said...I've tried to read Lesbian Fiction and although it was good, well plotted and the characters 3-dimensional, it bored me. But then, the lesbians told me they loved the stuff.

This is a scattered mess. It's nothing like those books. Your novel might be good but this query is a disaster area looking for the superfund cleanup crew.

As for the premise of the book, I guess that it is possible for a lesbian to live with a straight man to raise her kids. But living happily ever after? Now that doesn't sound reasonable. It's much easier for two women to live together with a bunch of kids.


BuffySquirrel said...I don't think I've ever read an m/m romance--I don't read much romance, fullstop--but I picked up Sarah Waters' Fingersmith cheap last year without even realising it was an f/f romance (how dumb am I?) and enjoyed it so much that I ensured someone bought me Affinity for Christmas. Which I enjoyed ten times more. Oh, and I'm straight, so I guess I don't fit the demographic. Or any demographic! lol

Even though I am a woman between 25 and 50 (and no, I'm not narrowing it down any further than that), a book that refers to its subject as a slut is not one I'm going to pick up off the shelf. I hate that term.


whitemouse said...I really liked the voice that came across in this query; it was lively and engaging. If the whole book is written this way, that would be a big plus. When you rewrite the query, please keep the fun voice!

But I will nod in agreement to some of the other comments made.

I was also worried at first that the book had this wildass lesbian slut marrying a man and getting "straightened" out just the way the religious right would like her to be. This is obviously opposite of what you were trying to imply about the book.

However, my impression was mostly formed by the Guess-the-Plot. In the query, it isn't much of a problem, although there'd be no room for confusion if the partner's gender was known sooner.

And if you're sending this query to agents that mostly handle lesbian literature, I don't think the way things are currently worded would be a problem at all.

The hard-sell stuff didn't bother me too much, especially if you're marketing this as non-fiction memoir. My understanding is that non-fiction pretty much requires that the author has done a bit of market research. If it's being marketed as fiction, however, then yeah - the hard-sell should be toned down.


December Quinn: I'll have to read that Smart Bitches post. I can get into m/m romance liek woah - even faster than I can get into a m/f romance, in fact - but f/f doesn't do a thing for me. I have no idea why.

Then again...twice the yummy boys and no annoying bosoms blocking my view? Maybe it isn't such a mystery after all. :-)


GutterBall said...Since I don't know much about the plot of this book from the query, I'll just say that the book is probably quirky and fun, but the query is not. If it's a true memoir -- as in, about you -- then I'd probably pass. If it's a fictionalized memoir, it might be lots of fun...but I can't tell.

I know it's hard to fit a lot of information into two or three paragraphs, but you'll help yourself a lot by following Mr. Evil's advice and axing the commentary on other books. If you want to compliment the agent's taste, maybe just a quick "I've read several novels on your list and loved them all, and I think my memoir/novel is right up your alley" or some such.

That leaves you so much more room to talk about the book. And, unless this really is a memoir, not so much about you. You're trying to sell your book, not yourself. Even a memoir has to have plot and character arc and...I dunno...names. Give us those, and I'm sure we'll have a lot more helpful things to say.


Anonymous said...I'm the target audience for this one, too, but just because I'm a gay girl (of the lipstick variety) doesn't mean that I'd like an angry hysterical former slut/alcoholic dyke any more than I'd like a straight gal with all those wonderful qualities. Sorry. Don't mean to bash you, but anyone STILL carrying around all that angry/edgy baggage would not be my friend nor find much sympathy from me.

Do memoirs really need a platform? I thought they were pretty much treated like fiction. Your query seems like it's trying to be an abbreviated non-fiction proposal rather than a fiction/memoir-type hook.

You DO have a good voice here, and butchier ladies may enjoy this protag more than I, so one of the gay presses might be interested. I'm not sure a mainstream publisher would be, though.


Wonderwood said...Although I'm not a lesbian (though if I was female, I imagine I would be) I am a recovering alcoholic. I can tell you from my experience that one of the primary objectives of getting sober is losing that edgy, angry, internal hysteria. If this is a memoir, I'd suggest working on the sixth and seventh steps of the AA program. You'll be amazed at the results.

As far as the query, there isn't much I can add to what's already been said. It needs tightening and focus. You've listed some obstacles, and suggested that the protagonist has overcome them, but that's all you've done.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

The Blue Gem- stone

1. Mallory thinks that she has found the man of her dreams, until Bill's romantic moonlit proposal turns into Mallory's nightmare. A sapphire? What, is he kidding?

2. When Shannon starts work as a waitress in The Blue Gemstone, the swankiest restaurant in town, she has no idea she's really stumbled into a front for the werewolf crime lords known as the Lupens.

3. Jeweler Rocco Testadura can sense the emotions of every stone that he sets, knowing that happy jewels make for happy customers. Can he find a way to cheer up the blue gemstone, before it drives a client to despair and suicide?

4. The Key Keepers use the Blue Gemstone to open the door to an alternate universe in which they meet Toots, who sends them to Alaska on a dangerous mission. But can they complete their task without being captured by shape shifters and sacrificed to the god Zendu?

5. A pearl for Christmas, a ruby for Valentine's, and an emerald for her birthday. Sue's husband sure is spending hard to assure her that his cheating days are over. But will the sparkle of her Columbus Day sapphire blind her to his sudden increase in "business trips"?

6. Career burglar Snarfi has just four days to steal The Blue Gemstone from the dragon Gryk'ka, or the evil emperor will kill Snarfi's mother. There's only one problem: Snarfi is colorblind. Stock characters include a rebellious princess, a buffoonish wizard, and a curmudgeonly dwarf. Also, a snake with legs.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I read on your blog that you represented a gem of wisdom, "Why You Don't Get Published," and I knew immediately that you were the editor for me. [Say no more. A contract will be in the mail within the hour.]

"The Blue Gemstone," is a Middle School Fantasy, complete at 71,000 words.

On the way home from a local swimming hole, cousins, Jake and Libby Marks, [Already I can tell this is going to be one of those quaint old-timey stories I love, the kind that bring back memories of reading Tom Sawyer.] meet an alien from an alternate universe. The alien, a member of a race of healers, gives the children a sapphire stone, a key that opens doors to other realities. [I suppose if Mark Twain were alive today he'd be writing books like Huckleberry Finn 37: The Shadow Creatures of Lorkha Tau.]

Intrigued, Jake and Libby visit the alien's world where they meet the Honorable Major Toots, the president of the healers. [Is "Toots" pronounced as in, "It's not boasting when Evil Editor toots his own horn; it's telling it like it is. Or is it pronounced as in "Hey toots, need an editor for that erotica novel?"] Toots explains that they are Key Keepers, and warns them to protect their gemstone from falling into the hands of the shape shifters. Then, Toots tells them that their great, great, great Grandpa Willie--who's supposed to be dead--is in trouble.

According to Toots, Willie is alive. [I inferred that from the previous sentence.] The shifters have stolen his gemstone, trapping him on a mirror world in Alaska. Jake and Libby must rescue Grandpa Willie, and recover his stolen stone. Toots gives the children two magic computers--the size of a cell phone--to help them. [Not sure what a magic computer can do that a normal one can't, but if it's magic, it might as well be a magic cell phone or a magic acorn as a computer.]

Rescuing Grandpa is the easy part. [The hard part is reading the map of Alaska on the four-centimeter-square monitors that come with the computers. That and loading a 115-year-old guy onto a dogsled without breaking his hips.] Stealing the gemstone back from the shifters is another matter entirely.

At first, it was fun. An adventure. But Jake and Libby learn there is more at stake than Grandpa's gemstone. Maddas, the evil dictator of the shape shifters, ["Maddas" makes me think of a fabric; it would sound more like an evil dictator spelled backwards.] believes Jake and Libby are THE TWINS. [TWINS? But they're cousins! Identical cousins. And you can lose your mind . . . when cousins . . . are two of a kind.] He wants to kidnap the children, take them to Amusa, and sacrifice them to his god, Zendu.

[A paragraph on my two short story sales] [A sentence will do.]

Thank you in advance for reading my query,


Notes

It seems odd that the shape shifters would hole up in Alaska, given that they have access to numerous realities. When you say "a mirror world in Alaska," does that mean they go to Alaska and there's a mirror world there, or they go to a mirror world, and there's an Alaska there?If the latter, is this what a map of Alaska looks like in the mirror world?



Do these kids have families who expect them home for dinner?

Gemstone is kind of general. You claim it's a sapphire, why not call it the mystic sapphire of Lorkha Tau, instead of the blue gemstone?

I'd drop the magic computer, and rewrite everything after that. From there on it's a list of choppy sentences with little life. We need more than a series of events; make us care about the characters. There's a lot of fantastical stuff in the book, but maybe a bit less in the query would be better.


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...I'm not an expert in kid lit categories, but I don't think "middle school" is one. I've seen "middle grade" as the term for stuff aimed primarily at 9-12 year olds, followed by the "young adult" category.

This description doesn't make the story seem very outstanding, for reasons identified by EE. Why use Alaska? I don't see the reason. Why a "magic" computer?

Your biggest problem is this -- brother and sister going into an alternative reality to save grandpa from diabolical wizardry is the plot of one of the Spy Kids movies and I don't think your story outdoes the treatment Robert Rodriguez gave it, or adds anything of interest he didn't use, so I'd pass on this as a been there, done that thing.


Bernita said...When I saw THE TWINS - all I could think of was "The Bobbsey Twins Go to Alaska" - and lost it.


pacatrue said...Nice, Patty Duke allusion, EE. I think next up we need a little Donna Reed Show.

Author, I think you need to find a different way to say that they must go to Alaska. The current way sounds like it's a normal sort of slam of a neighbor, like a Miss Snark saying she's going to have to travel to a parallel universe known as New Jersey.

The overall plot sounds fun to me.

Unfortunately, I'm quite busy reading Anna Karenina LXII: Anna and the Death Zombie of Nellor.


whitemouse said...The plot doesn't sound very fresh; quests for magic items and portals into other worlds have been done to death. The story will have to be absolutely great to catch an agent/editor's eye in spite of the tired ideas, and if it is absolutely great, then you reallyreallyreally need to make your query reflect that.

I'd suggest figuring out what makes your novel very different from what's out there, and then really focus the query on that. Downplay the bits that might sound cliched.

The Maddas/Saddam thing had me snickering pretty hard after EE pointed it out. Most people wouldn't spot that (it takes a certain kind of brain to see anagrams and backward-spellings), but for those people that do, the villain's name might be a bit groan-inducing.


Robin said...I agree with Paca that the plot sounds fun. From thinking about what my kids read in middle school (one is now in 9th grade, so it's a fresh memory), this seems more like something they would have read in the 5th grade or so.

EE, I hadn't thought of madras plaid or Patty Duke in a while. You've got quite a memory going on.


Anonymous said...Not sure what a magical computer can do that a normal one can't...

You've never used a Mac, then?


ILS said...Hi all--This is my query. Thanks for the comments. I posted this rough draft so I could get some direction before I sat down and got serious. I'll have to work on what makes my story different and play down the portal and the other things that seem cliches (like whitemouse suggested).

Anonymous 1:06--I meant to say Middle Grade, sorry for the confusion.
And I've never seen Spy Kids. In fact, I had to google it to see what you were talking about. So, I'm not concerned that my kids rescuing their grandpa will be anyway close to Mr. Rodriguez's film.

The Saddam/Maddas thing is funny. I was going for Mad Ass orginally. I guess my evil dude needs a name change.

Thanks again to everyone who commented--

EE--A special thanks to you. I know you blog because you enjoy it, and it's fun (and an outlet). I realized, when I posted my first attempt at a query letter, that you'd have fun with it. That's okay. What I appreciate is the constructive criticism you offered. The query letter for first time writers is a scary thing. And, I wrote a PORTAL story!

So, thank you. Thank you for the time you spend, thank you for doing this for us.

Guess the Title 12

Below are seven descriptions of actual books available at Barnes and Noble dot com. Your job is to guess which of the given titles is each book's actual title.

2 - 3 right: excellent
4 - 5 right: genius
6 - 7 right: liar


A. Had it up to here with sugary-sweet affirmation books that ignore the pleasures of resentment and mean-spiritedness? Tired of the self-helpaholics who've been sipping too much chicken soup? Then this book is for you. Here are 365 splendidly bitter daily meditations that will appeal to the cynic in you.
365 Days of BileSuck it Up, LoserChicken Livers for the SoulWho Cut My Coke With Salmonella?Today I Will Nourish My Inner MartyrThe Habits of Highly Sarcastic People 365 Ways to Tell the Assholes to F*ck Off
B. Wouldn't it be nice to read a book about relationships that made you laugh instead of point fingers? Now you can. The author takes on over-simplified psycho-babble relationship books and delivers a knockout punch.
It’s All Your FaultNo, Really, it's YouThis Book Is StupidBabble that Lands BabesThey are the problem; There's Nothing Wrong with You. Women May Be from Venus, But Men Are Really from Uranus Sleeping Around in Dark Matter: A Scientist Ridicules Our Mating Games
C. Is Bigger Really Better? Here at last is the first self-help book for men with Oversized Male Genitalia (OMG). Every year, thousands of men are diagnosed with OMG. Sadly, most are banished to the fringes of society
Cock-SureMembers OnlyGargantuan is BetterHow to Live with a Huge PenisYou Will Always Feel Better Than My DildoToo Much Junk: How to Deal With Tight SpacesIf I Wanted to Screw a Salami I'd Have Gone to the Deli
D. Everyone has that moment—the realization that adulthood has arrived, like a runaway train, and there's no getting out of its way. An attempt to express the contradictions and anxieties that come with being over-educated, minimally employed, mostly single, and on your own.
Generation WhineF*ck! I'm in My Twenties.Who Changed The Locks?Homelessness for DummiesLife sucks. Don’t kid yourself.Whaddaya MEAN I'm Pregnant?How to Tell Your Parents You're Moving Back In
E. Have you got the right kind of point on your pencil? Do you know how to achieve the perfect point for the kind of work you need out of that pencil? Deep in New York’s Hudson River Valley, the world’s number one #2 pencil sharpener still practices the age-old art of manual pencil sharpening.
Sharper ImageWhat’s the point?NOW You Tell Me Pencil Sharpening Isn't an Olympic EventSharpest Pencil in the Box: Memoir of the World's Greatest Pencil SharpenerHipsters Will Buy Anything, So Why Not a Book About Maintaining an Object That's Almost as Obsolete as a Typewriter?How to Sharpen Pencils: A Practical and Theoretical Treatise on the Artisanal Craft of Pencil Sharpening for Writers, Artists, Contractors, Flange Turners, Anglesmiths, and Civil Servants   F. Target. Observe. Ridicule. You run into them every day—the striped-shirt guy, the karaoke master, the dude with a pencil-thin beard, the guy who won’t shut up about his fantasy football team—characters who annoy, irritate, and incense us all. A look inside the heads of the most infuriating douchebags on planet Earth.  All Men are IdiotsLook at My Striped Shirt!At Least You Aren't THAT Guy!Hang On, I Need to Take this CallNo Thanks, I Only Drink ImportedPick Up Artists: A Woman's Guide to Avoiding JerksRelax: Monday Coffee Shop Flotsam Bro Downs Are Normal G. This bracing blast of negativity takes aim at the impossibly cheerful inspirational self-help books flooding the market and hits the bullseye, with chapters such as Your Good-for-Nothing Friends, Your Miserable Job, and Life: What's the Use.   Evil Editor StripsYou Are WorthlessDude, You're F@ckedTake This Book and Shove ItClaim that Dirty Sofa in the AlleyYou Don’t Need to Buy this BookConvincing Yourself that Self-help is a Crock


Answers Below     Fake titles were supplied by Khazar Khum, CavalierdeNuit, Veronica Rundell, Anonymous and EE.     Actual Titles  Today I Will Nourish My Inner Martyr Women May Be from Venus, But Men Are Really from Uranus  How to Live with a Huge Penis  F*ck! I'm in My Twenties  How to Sharpen Pencils yadda yadda  Look at My Striped Shirt!  You Are Worthless

Guess the Title Prep

Below are descriptions of seven books from the self-help genre, taken from Barnes and Nobel dot com. Your job is to think up titles for any or all of them so that we can play Guess the Actual Title. The actual titles are amusing, so your fakes should be as well. Send as comments to this post.


1. Had it up to here with sugary-sweet affirmation books that ignore the pleasures of resentment and mean-spiritedness? Tired of the self-helpaholics who've been sipping too much chicken soup? Then this book is for you. Here are 365 splendidly bitter daily meditations that will appeal to the cynic in you.

2. Wouldn't it be nice to read a book about relationships that made you laugh instead of point fingers? Now you can. The author takes on over-simplified psycho-babble relationship books and delivers a knockout punch.

3. Is Bigger Really Better? Here at last is the first self-help book for men with Oversized Male Genitalia (OMG). Every year, thousands of men are diagnosed with OMG. Sadly, most are banished to the fringes of society

4. Everyone has that moment—the realization that adulthood has arrived, like a runaway train, and there's no getting out of its way. An attempt to express the contradictions and anxieties that come with being over-educated, minimally employed, mostly single, and on your own.

5. Have you got the right kind of point on your pencil? Do you know how to achieve the perfect point for the kind of work you need out of that pencil? Deep in New York’s Hudson River Valley, the world’s number one #2 pencil sharpener still practices the age-old art of manual pencil sharpening.

6. Target. Observe. Ridicule. You run into them every day—the striped-shirt guy, the karaoke master, the dude with a pencil-thin beard, the guy who won’t shut up about his fantasy football team—characters who annoy, irritate, and incense us all. A look inside the heads of the most infuriating douchebags on Earth.

7. This bracing blast of negativity takes aim at the impossibly cheerful inspirational self-help books flooding the market and hits the bullseye, with chapters such as Your Good-for-Nothing Friends, Your Miserable Job, and Life: What's the Use.

Feedback Request

A revision of the opening featured in New Beginning 1002 is now posted in the comments there, awaiting your reaction.