Evil Editor's Blog, page 134

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Aerth's Door

1. A badly-spelled map means trouble for an astronaut trying to find his way home.

2. "Jumble" puzzle makers pass jokes to each other in anagrams. That is, until the new boss Jenny Heart intercepts one of their notes, this one about her smelly feet.

3. Aerth's Door is the first book of my heavenly trilogy, Galactic Architecture (to be followed by Omon's Window and Usn's Chimney). It's a tale of a world unhinged.

4. Aerth becomes the envy of his Stone Age neighbors when he discovers a way to keep saber-toothed tigers out of his cave; but can he really rest in peace?

5. It was bad enough being on the cusp of teenage-hood and a vampire; now Maria finds out she's Aerth's Door, the gateway between two worlds.

6. The massive front door is the last straw for Homer Aerth when the designers from Curb Appeal alter his mid-century modern ranch house to a Fantasy Tuscan Villa. Will he ever release them from the new wine cellar?



Original Version

Dear Ms. Agent,

I am currently seeking representation for my young adult fantasy novel "Aerth's Door".

Maria Zangrilli discovers that desperately attempting to flee for your life is difficult when you're only twelve years old. Despite years of constantly moving from place to place the Vampire hunters who killed her parents have finally found her [You mean that Maria is moving from place to place, but you say it's the hunters (who, admittedly, are also moving from place to place, but that's not the point.] and Maria is trapped at the hospital with a difficult decision to make: does she escape with the two teenage boys who claim to have been sent to protect her or does she stand her ground and stay by the side of the only family she has left? [You forgot possibility 3: change into a bat and fly away, which has been working fine for the past few years.] [Her parents are dead and she's on the run, so who are this family she's by the side of?]

When Maria decides to leave with Reiker and Flax the hunt is on in earnest. The hunters are glad that Maria is just a kid, they will go to any length to capture her alive. During her escape Maria discovers that she is more than just a Vampire brat, she is Aerth's Door, and her blood will strip away the gateway between her world and our own. [Questions raised by that one sentence: 
1. WTF? 
2. What is Aerth? 
3. Is Maria dyslexic?
4. What is Aerth's Door? 
5. What is Maria's world? 
6. Is she from somewhere other than Earth? 
7. Do you just mean the world of vampires? 
8. Is the gateway the same as the Door? 
9. Does she have to die to strip away the gateway, or do they just need some of her blood? 
10. Why her? 
11. Why do the Vampire hunters want to strip away this gateway? 
12. Isn't this exactly like when Buffy the Vampire Slayer's sister was the "Key" in season 5? 
13. Wouldn't she be too busy to discover this during her escape? 
14. Why is "Vampire" capitalized?]

Together with her new guardians Maria races for sanctuary and has to decide who is really her friend… and who wants her dead. The reader is kept wondering all the way to the final, nail-biting page. [Not me, I've already guessed that Reiker wants her dead and Flax is really her friend. If you'd spelled the names "Ryker" and "Phlax," it would have been a tougher call.] [Also, nail-biting page? Does anyone read this blog before they submit anymore? Let the agent decide if the pages bite nails.]

"Aerth's Door" is told in a third-person omniscient voice that is sometimes funny, sometimes serious, and always a little bit dark. [Ah, so it's Buffy, but season 6.] [For non-Buffy fans, think The X-Files, but with a younger female lead who doesn't spend the first three seasons refusing to believe what's patently obvious.] An older, darker YA, "Aerth's Door" is geared toward the readers of "Eragon" novels rather than the younger YA's such as the "Artemis Fowl" series. [Here we go citing a book nothing like ours, just because it sold well. The second Eragon book, by the way, was named the worst book of 2005 by Entertainment Weekly, which isn't Publishers Weekly, but I still don't think I'd cite it knowing that.]

At approximately 60,000 words, "Aerth's Door" is spread across fifteen chapters [Is this a math problem? Let's see, 15c into 60,000w = 4000w/c, divided by 250 w/p = 16p/c. Sorry, I'm looking for books in the 12 to 14 p/c range.] and is perfect to while away a lazy summer afternoon. If you have an interest in this project, please respond and I will happily submit the manuscript to you.

Thank you for your time and consideration,


Notes

If you remove the sentence that prompts all the questions, the only question will be Why is the title Aerth's Door? If you don't remove it, I'd recommend dropping the last two paragraphs and using the extra space to explain the door/gateway/world stuff.

It seems to me that a book geared toward older YA's would have a heroine older than 12. Not a rule written in stone, but what makes this inappropriate for middle-graders?

 A Googling of "Aerth" reveals it's a world in more than one role-playing game, and quite well-known to Dungeons and Dragons players. Unless your book is intentionally set in someone else's Aerth, or Aerth is something other than a world in your book, you might consider changing the name. One possibility: Earth.


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...It shouldn't be tough to come up with something better than earth mispelled.


KD (i.e. the author) said...I'd like to thank you for your comments. Since I patterned this query letter after one that successfully landed an agent I've recently made friends with... well, I assumed streamlining the query was the way to go. Apparently not. *wry smile*

Ironically enough, I'm a HUGE D and D fan (I play it every Friday night) and I've never heard of Aerth in the D and D universe. In my book, Aerth (as it is known to the Breeds: Vampires, Shifters, Bruja, and Kin) is Earth. The other four worlds are Antioch, Avalon, Atlantis, and Arcadia. Maria is the Door to the Nexus. It isn't just her blood but her very soul itself that opens gate into the Nexus. The Key has been stolen and should Maria ever touch the Key not only will she die but her soul itself will be obliterated.

It just seemed like such a huge LUMP to put on one page.

As for choosing to compare "Aerth's Door" to "Eragon" (which I actually liked) there was a method to the madness. "Eragon" is a darker fantasy novel and as such is directed toward the more adult of the teenage demographic. I didn't choose it because it was popular but rather because it is a striking contrast to the light-hearted feel of the "Artemis Fowl" books.

Either way, thank you for trying to help me out. I REALLY appreciate it.


Anonymous said...I have watched that Buffy episode more times than I can count, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that EE is a fan (maybe) too! Yes, this story is a little too much like that episode, except that Dawn wasn't a vampire. and Reiker and Flax probably don't share a body. Unless the author failed to mention that too, in which case this story needs to find a new plot.


Alianore said...The query reminded me a lot of the Buffy 'Key' storyline too, which isn't at all a bad thing.


KD said...Reiker and Flax are the two teenage half-breeds who become her guardians. They do not share a body. Neither of them want her dead (though the narrative does point to each of them in turn as possible enemies.)

While I do love Buffy it is only my clumsy query that draws a parallel in the two story lines. This novel is very different than anything Joss W. has produced. I'm not a plagerist, after all.

My, I really appear to have made a mess of things.


Rei said...This query seriously needs help on the punctuation front. This will immediately be a red flag that if they request it, they'll receive 60,000 words with bad punctuation. That doesn't sound good, does it?


desert minion said...The Eragon readers I know tend to be pre-teen and early teen boys, actually; I suspect the readership for this book is both a little older and more female than male.


Meg said...Having read about all the YA SciFi and Fantasy there is, I would have placed Artemis Fowl and Eragon in the same age group. Eragon's not really all that dark, and Artemis Fowl may be funny, but it's no walk in the park. I wouldn't use comparisons like that, as then your editor/agent might think that your novel might go a certain way, when you had no intention of making it go that way. Also, a 12 year old protagonist seems a tad young, but maybe she grows up some as the book progresses?


Anonymous said...I happen to know the author in question. Upon reading this page for the first time, I was angry and defensive for my friend. However, in an effort to be fair, I went looking through the How This Site Works page to get a better idea of the purpose of the post. I found it quite interesting. Evil Editor makes no bones about the fact that he is here to entertain, not enlighten. He also states that most constructive criticism will come from comments rather than the post itself - and several of the comments above are constructive. So I supppose any remaining beef I have is with those that are not. No, Evil Editor does not require that posts be worthwhile or constructive, but he does state: "When submitting a comment, try to be helpful or witty or both. And don't forget to include praise for Evil Editor." So, thank you to those who actually contributed worthwhile comments.

Author said...Dear Evil Editor,

Fourteen-year-old Maria and her kind are expected to live secretly amongst humans on Earth. The only outward indication of the
difference between them is the ancestral tattoos her kind is given
shortly after birth. When the tattoos begin to mark her people for more than their history, Maria has no choice but to hide from those who have killed her family and would crush her next.

She barely escapes with the help of two boys that are sworn to help
and protect her. However, they are only teenagers themselves, and as
their experiences pull them apart and back together again, they
realize that they must grow up, and learn to trust one another.
Together they build a new family as they battle the evil that will not rest until they are all destroyed.

GUARDING MARIA is complete at 60,000 words. I am currently polishing the subsequent young adult fantasy novel and can submit chapters to you at your convenience.

Thank you for your time and consideration,


spongey437 said...Well, the new title seems to fit the synopsis given now. Though I would like to see something in there about what "her kind" actually is (Vampire still I assume).


kis said...Yeah, it's gone too far the other way now. (Damned and damned, do or don't.) I'm curious how much space on a page this new version takes up. If there's a lot of empty space, you can fill in some interesting and relevant details. The one page rule is more than an arbitrary measure. It's the best length for a query--long enough to convey the gist, not too long to overwhelm or bore. Even leaving plenty of space for addresses, salutation and signature, I have the feeling there's room for more.

And I kind of liked the other title. It conveys the fantasy element much more effectively than Guarding Maria. As for corny names, well, this is YA.

Face-Lift 1128

Guess the Plot

Whatever He Can

1. Miyamoto is a ronin who has never lost a battle, and roams the countryside seeking a challenge. He meets his match when a veiled ronin beats him in a duel. Miyamoto's new friend is a woman, and he'll do whatever he can to keep her satisfied.

2. Holly thought the gangly red colt had promise. Trainer Dave saw nothing but a glue factory reject. But when the colt starts tearing up the Idaho quarter horse racing circuit, Holly dreams of the All American Futurity and its multimillion dollar purse. Will Dave join her dream while her colt gives--Whatever He Can?

3. Chapstick. Cotton balls, Nail polish remover. Air freshener. It's the end of the world and DJ Shazam came late to the Safeway looting. Now he's hoarding ...Whatever he can.

4. Gordon Gecko insists everyone call him "Sheena" after that last stroke. His grandson, Steve, steps in to salvage whatever he can of Gecko's crumbling fortunes. Spoiler, Gecko screws Steve out of his inheritance.

5. Jaime Casey is caught between a wizard and a demon who both want the drug stash he doesn't have, and his only allies are a comic book nerd and a woman who can't get over her crush on President McKinley's assassin. He's not sure how he's gonna get out of this, but he'll do . . . whatever he can.

6. Odin, ruler of Asgard, must always speak sooth. Now, he has Alzheimer’s and occasionally flubs it. Thor must make everything Odin says into truth. But Thor won an all-expense-paid two-millennium cruise through the Andromeda Galaxy. Thor will do … Whatever He Can … to go on the cruise. Hilarity ensues.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

People call Jaime Casey the Boogieman; [Isn't that spelled "boogeyman"? I guess if it's your world you can spell it however you like, like fairy/faerie.] he's a loan shark, a Liar, and in big trouble.

When one of the Boogieman's clients is murdered Jaime is caught between two ruthless people [Wait, Jaime is the Boogieman; you're making it sound like they're two different people.] demanding a stash of drugs he doesn't have. On one side is a demon-blooded femme fatale with a taste for other people's pain and on the other is a drug-dealing wizard who's backed by the Boogieman's traitorous centuries old mentor. Add in a scumbag who keeps attacking his downstairs neighbor [His own neighbor or the Boogieman's neighbor?] and the Boogieman couldn't imagine himself in a worse situation. [I don't see that adding in the scumbag makes Jaime's situation so much worse that it's worth mentioning in the query. It's like:

Spock: "Captain, the Romulans are attacking us from the left with photon torpedoes--

Kirk: I suggest--

Spock: . . . and the Klingons are attacking us from the right with phasers--

Kirk: Have you raised the--

Spock: . . . and Bones and Scotty are arguing about scotch versus bourbon again.

Kirk: Christ, could things get any worse?]

What does Jaime have? The magical ability to make people live their worse [worst] fear, a boss who's still nursing her crush on President McKinley's assassin, [Leon Frank Czolgosz, Polish pronunciation: ˈt͡ʂɔwɡɔʂ ] a little sister with dangerously bizarre luck, and an overweight comic book nerd. To get out of this mess the Boogieman will do whatever he can. [This is just a list of characters. Are they Jaime's allies in an epic battle against the wizard and demon woman? I don't see what they bring to the table.]

Whatever He Can is an adult urban fantasy of 87,000 words. In this novel, Liars are a variety of magical beings who are born on Earth but are twisted by the magic [of? in? emanating from?] a dimension called Otherside. Not only are most humans incapable of perceiving a Liar's true form [semicolon? comma but?] each [human? Liar?] also possesses distinct magical abilities and weaknesses. Jaime Casey can inspire terror, but wearing a gold ring would rot his finger to the bone. [Gold : Boogieman :: Kryptonite : Superman.] [Do the Boogieman's clients pay off their debts with Krugerrands to annoy him?]

A synopsis and complete manuscript are available upon request.

Thank you for your consideration.


Notes

How come we all remember who shot Lincoln and Kennedy, but not who shot Garfield and McKinley? Though I'm not sure Garfield should be included, as his doctors had more to do with his death than his assassin did:

Leading doctors of the age flocked to Washington to aid in Garfield's recovery, sixteen in all. Most probed the wound with their fingers or dirty instruments.  

The doctors [later--he lingered 80 days] reopened the wound and enlarged it hoping to find the bullet. They were unsuccessful. By the time Garfield died on September 19, his doctors had turned a three-inch-deep, harmless wound into a twenty-inch-long contaminated gash stretching from his ribs to his groin.

-- eyewitnesstohistory.com
There's nothing about the plot. We get a bit about Jaime's situation: powerful beings want his drug stash, though he's a loan shark, not a drug dealer. And we get a bit about the world: there's magic and an alternate dimension. But what happens? What does Jaime want? What's stopping him from getting it? What will happen if he fails? What's his plan? Tell us the story.

Face-Lift 1127

Guess the Plot

A Serpent in the Garden

1. The Dikdas, lilliputian folk who inhabit vegetable gardens, must fight for their survival after an article in Organic Gardening suggests gardeners get rid of slugs by attracting toads. Toads, of course, attract predatory snakes. Snakes prefer toads, but Dikdas will do.

2. Aphids on the roses, snails on the geraniums, frogs on the grass? Learn how to handle all these common garden pests and more the natural way with House and Yard's newest self-help book!

3. Matt, a born-again Mormon, has a tattoo that frames his manhood as a serpent in a garden. Tanya accepts his proposal, but he knows she won't accept his body art. Will he become a stripper to earn fast money to remove it, or leave the lights off on their wedding night?

4. Jill hates snakes and loves gardening. One morning while trimming the rose bush, she sees a king snake. It’s after its breakfast. While Jill is bashing the king snake with a shovel, its meal, a Mojave Green rattlesnake, nails her good. She spends five weeks in the hospital and when she gets out, she still hates snakes.

5. When a woman is murdered in an abbey, the suspects include (spoiler alert) the devout monks who live and worship there and a German guy named von Starkebrücken. Can Eva solve her first case and embark on a successful mystery series? Also, venom and a guy whose name is an anagram of gardener.

6. It's Judgment Day and Eve attempts to rectify 10,000 years of bad press, confessing to God that she lied--Adam plucked the fruit. It's eternal damnation for one of them, but can Eve condemn the man from whose rib she sprang?



Original Version

Dear EE,

Eva von Hirschburg is the orphaned child of a secret marriage. Raised by the uncle who disowned her mother, she longs to find someone who can see her instead of the shadows cast by her parent's sins. [That's parents' if you mean both parents. If you mean one parent, say father's or mother's.] [What are her parents' sins? Getting married secretly and dying?]

She may have found him in Brother Conrad, a young monk she helps escape her family castle, [You toss that out with no explanation, as if it's perfectly normal for monks to be imprisoned in the family castle.] but their growing friendship is threatened when a woman is murdered at Conrad's abbey, leaving behind a newborn son.

Moved by the resemblance between the victim and her mother, Eva vows to find the killer, [In fact, she will hunt down the killer of anyone who resembles any of her relatives.] but can she count on Conrad to help her when his fellow monk may face the gallows? [No. The code of conduct monks were expected to abide by in medieval times involved chastity, poverty and obedience, but nothing about ratting out fellow monks who've murdered women.]

Then Mallory von Starkebrücken arrives at the castle. Eva cannot deny her attraction to the passionate young lord, [Mallory's a guy?] but fears he is only looking for an indiscretion. [only seeking temporary storage for his lance.] [Actually, that works better if he's a knight than a lord. Make him a knight.] Worse still, he wants her to give up what he believes is a dangerous obsession with the murdered woman.

Is Mallory trying to protect Eva, or is he trying to protect his knight, Ragenard, who torments the serving girls and was visiting the abbey when the woman was attacked? [The code of chivalry knights were expected to abide by in medieval times didn't leave much wiggle room when it came to treatment of the fair sex. In fact, two of the 17 requirements of knighthood were:
When a guest in someone else's castle, refrain from tormenting the staff. Comport yourself at all times in a manner such that, if a woman is murdered in an abbey, you don't leap to your lord's mind as the chief suspect.]   ["Tormenting the staff" sounds like another way of saying "flogging the dolphin" or "polishing the bayonet." This is my chance to get into the Urban Dictionary, unless someone else already came up with it.]

Eva cannot capture the killer alone, but whom she chooses to trust [trusting the wrong person] could have fatal consequences.

A SERPENT IN THE GARDEN (70,739 words) is a historical mystery for young adults set in medieval Germany. It will appeal to fans of “Venom” by Fiona Paul and “The Falconer's Knot” by Mary Hoffman.

I am a member of the Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators and the North Carolina Writers' Network. As a developmental psychologist, I have published numerous academic articles. I am also coauthor of an adult nonfiction book published by the MIT Press (under my maiden name - Knickmeyer).

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

I wasn't thinking YA until you called it YA. If you mention Eva's age when you introduce her it'll help.

If the mystery is whodunnit, you might mention some people who had a motive.

I don't see how Eva can do much of anything. Does she interview suspects? Does she have permission from the monks to hang out in the abbey looking for evidence? Aren't there any adults with the authority to investigate the murder?

New Beginning 1005

The lights are dim on the bridge, its inhabitants lounging in their chairs, most of them comfortable and relaxed as they go about their routine. To one side, the youngest member of the crew scans through comms channels, listening to silence.

“Nothing. Every day, absolutely nothing.” He runs his hands through his hair in frustration.

From the engineer’s chair, the short blond woman opens her eyes long enough to give him a glare. “Some would say that’s a good thing, patrol where nothing happens. You’d probably say that too, if you’d lived through one that was exciting.” She raises her left arm slightly then returns it to her lap, her point made.

Ensign Crenshaw blushes a little at the admonition. He doesn’t know where or when she lost her real arm, and is so used to seeing the prosthetic he plain forgot about it.

He is about to apologize when he is struck from behind by Captain Kinkaide's titanium foot.

"Back to work, you shiftless whelp," Kinkaide harrumphs. "And be grateful I didn't break it off in your ass."

Yes, serving on the USS Prosthetica is a trial indeed, Crenshaw thinks, to himself this time.


Opening: Darci Smith.....Continuation: Veronica Rundell

Face-Lift 1126

Guess the Plot

Seers and Sparkplugs

1. All of her life, Kelly's had a gift--the ability to magically repair cars. When an old Firebird she resurrected starts destroying the competition on the local stock car circuit, NASCAR comes calling. But if she signs with a team, they might learn her secret. Should she go to Daytona--or stay in Middleton?

2. Jason Ahummina works for Seers, Robot and Company, in the sparkplug department. Business is booming -- all the Babbage calculating machines are switching from steam power to internal combustion. When Princess Animmuha arrives on a PR outing with her reluctant 'bot chaperone, will sparks fly?

3. Mechanic Rachel Chase has always been able to foresee people's deaths. When she has a vision of her mother being murdered, she must figure out how the skills she acquired working at Jiffy Lube can bring down a psycho killer. Also, a family of warlocks.

4. Carlos Spargo, aka "Sparkplug", is happy in suburbia. He discovers he's a direct descendant of a wicked necromancer when his grandma dies and leaves him a book of spells. Will he become the coolest dad ever, or leave his family to find wealth and fame?

5. No NASCAR crew is complete without its oracles. But when, in the midst of a pit stop, Tiny Dawson's pit-seer tells him that she sees fire and explosions on the next three laps, Tiny tells her that's what racing's all about.

6. Crosby thought life sucked eggs until he met Stilz, a nashini who knows how to build a better mousetrap. Which is great, because mice are taking over Youngstown. Also, a plague.

7. Madame Terlotte knows how to rebuild the human species now that GMO food has rendered 93% of the population sterile: gasoline powered marital aids. Happy endings ensue.


Original Version

Dear Agent X,

Rachel Chase’s mother is going to die. [Drop this; unless it's specifically stated, I never assume a character is immortal.]

After a lifetime of watching folks bite it in her visions, Rachel’s seen fate win, over and over. ["After a lifetime" could suggest her life is over. "In a lifetime" is better, though you could subtly convey your character's approximate age by saying "In thirty years of . . . "] [Authors often tell me to bite it; I had no idea they were telling me to die.] Drowning in a glass of whisky usually takes the edge off her guilt, but this time, Jameson doesn’t cut it. Not when her mother’s going to be sacrificed by some psycho. ["Sacrificed" as in a ceremony? Or just murdered?]

However, her zipcode hopping mom is harder to track than a sidhe who owes a favor. [My research into the favor-repaying practices of the Sidhe reveals that:

Some versions of Irish mythology have the Daoine Sidhe eventually divide into two groups: the Seelie Court and the Unseelie Court.
 
The Seelie were bound by their code of honor to repay any debt owed as soon as was possible. This included both favors and insults.

The Unseelie placed no stock in the ideals of honor. Instead, they pursued their own self-interests vigorously.

Thus your analogy is a clear insult to all members of the Seelie Court--an insult they may be counted on to repay in short order.] [A better analogy would be "harder to track than a literary agent who told you to look her up at a writers conference."] Since Rachel avoided the supernatural community all these years and her mechanic job never led to many connections, her allies amount to nada. Until a warlock family rolls into town looking for a seer. They need her help to unseal their power [When you want your power unsealed, you don't go to a seer; you go to an Unseelie.] and Rachel needs assistance tracking down and protecting her mother. A trade seems only fair.

Yet, the warlocks aren’t playing straight with her. The elemental traps protecting the seals are deadly and they’re keeping secrets, like the untimely fate of the last sucker who worked for them. [This makes it sound like it's the traps keeping secrets and for whom the last sucker worked.] If Rachel doesn’t find a way out of this supernatural nightmare soon, forget thwarting fate, she’ll be joining her mother in an early grave.

"Seers and Sparkplugs" is a 96,000 word urban fantasy.

Regards,


Notes

Not clear to me why warlocks think a person who has visions of people dying is the ideal person to unseal their power.

Does Rachel have control over her visions? Can she look at a guy and foresee his death? Was she thinking about her mother when she foresaw her death? Or is it all random? I take it she was unable to identify the psycho she saw in her vision or the place she saw the psycho killing her mother? Getting to the place where her mother's going to be killed could be as useful as finding her mother.

Her mechanic job doesn't seem worth mentioning in the current context. If you need to track someone down fast, you can hire a detective. You're unlikely to find useful "connections" no matter what your job is. On the other hand, there must be some reason you've made Rachel a mechanic; if her skills as a mechanic come into play, maybe you can work in how, so the title makes sense.

Have Rachel's visions all come to pass up till now? Does she have reason to believe fate can be thwarted? Has she ever tried to thwart fate? Have you ever tried to say "thwart fate" three times fast?

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Mur- murs of the Mad

1. A vampire has walked the world for centuries seeking a human strong enough to challenge him. Just as he's about to give up all hope, he happens into Sprangsdale, and an epic battle begins.

2. When Mr. Hyde finally breaks away from Dr. Jerkyl, he must make a living. Under an alias, he opens a literary agency, that charges reading fees.

3. After five decades as a top Beltway journalist, Pam Archer decides to publish the secret recordings she has made of every Republican National Convention since the Kennedy Administration.

4. King Dope dismisses the fortune teller's predictions--until these predictions begin to come true! The rebellion, the broken treaty... Now, the king fears, the worst prediction of all; the growth of nose hair down to his knees.

5. In Georgian London, Dr. Edward Pringle hopes to expand medical knowledge by using the inhabitants of Bedlam as experimental subjects to test his theories. But will the lunatics collude to overpower the doctor?

6. Brother Luke's penance for breaking his vow of silence is community service at a soup kitchen. But can he control his anger--and his voice--when he discovers what's really in the soup?


Original Version

Dear Mr. Evil Editor,

After reading hundreds of web sites, searching for the perfect literary agent who is fresh, ruthless, and looking to build a respected client list, I found you. [Lucky me.] [I had a feeling creating that web-site was going to come back to haunt me.] Once I saw that you represent horror, fantasy, romance, and literary fiction, I literally frothed at the mouth. You and I, on paper, seem like a perfect match. [The list of mannerisms Evil Editor seeks in his perfect match is not yet complete; however, I am confident that when it is complete, "literally frothing at the mouth" will not be on it.]

My novel, Murmurs of the Mad, combines horror, romance, and psychological thriller with urban fantasy. [My alternate title is, The Bride of Frankenstein Falls in Love with Norman Bates in the Emerald City.] It is set in a remote part of Undiscovered America in the late 1700’s. [Perfect setting for an urban fantasy.] The story encompasses 97, 518 words. It is the first of what I will be an on going series.

“Murmurs of the Mad” is not a story for the weak minded or the weak of heart; so if you are either, put the query down and send me your “thanks but no thanks” letter now without reading on. [Evil Editor would not like to have to count the number of his colleagues who would jump at this offer.] However, if you decide you can take the heat a little longer, let me ask you two questions. What do you want from life? [A good book, my health, and home-made tapioca pudding. Oh, and Angelina Jolie.] and If I gave you the means, would you pay the price to accept it? [Having looked ahead at the remainder of your letter, let me ask you a question: what do your questions have to do with anything?]

Greed is a deadly sin! [Explain somewhere why you are telling me this.]

Jallend, vampire, self-proclaimed artist, and humanities judge and jury, [He judges the annual art-and-culture essay contest for the Rotary Club.] has two missions; the first, to send the sinners to hell; the second, find someone worthy to rival him. Walking the earth three times over, killing for hundreds of years, left him with doubt that the human race would ever produce such a hero, but still, he wanders the towns, feeding and waiting -- life blurring about mundanely. [Uh oh. Any red flags that weren't up long ago have just hit the sky.] That is, until he stumbles into a town where he must confront his own deadly sins in order to escape with a human woman, someone he never thought he could love.

However, Jallend’s story is not the only one told. Wandering the world just to see what’s out there, is Jack. Everywhere he has ever gone people love him. They all want him to stay, but he keeps on moving. [They call him . . . The Wanderer.] Never resting, always working. [Wandering the world just to see what's out there sounds more like never working.] When he leaves the mountain folks and heads on into Sprangsdale, [Ah, the big urban center.] however, his life changes forever. He finds himself caught in the wake of Jallend's on going massacres. Being righteous, Jack vows to stop the monster from slaughtering innocent people. But every town he enters he is too late. The dead stack up, and Jack’s mind corrodes, bringing life to the horrors from his past that has him running the world to evade. [Evil Editor has taken flak in the past for declaring, based solely on a query letter, that a novel needs a makeover, so he'll probably get raked over the coals for suggesting that this novel needs a makeover, based entirely on that one sentence.]

In the end, Jallend finds his match in Jack, but for reasons no one could have predicted. You’ll be shocked to see who dies in the big battle, and what happens next. [Suddenly I must know what happens next.]

For ten years, I've made my living entertaining; performing magic, palm reading, balloon sculpting, while on the side-line, writing. For the rest of my life, I plan to use what I have learned about people, natural perceptions, history and English to achieve publication. [You have achieved publication, publication of this letter, and it is being read by thousands. That's more than read most authors' books. Can't you settle for that, and move on to a less daunting challenge? Something like creating a life-sized balloon sculpture of the Battle of Gettysburg?] Once I jump that hurtle, [Once you hurtle that hurdle.] I will begin the real work of selling every novel that has my name on it.

Out of everyone I wish to work with, Mr. Evil, I hope the subject matter interests you most. I look forward to hearing from you soon. If you find you like what you've read so far, I could have the entire novel in your hands within a week of receiving your go ahead. I do have this novel on submission to Medallion Press, publishing house. I expect to hear back from them this next month. [Medallion? You'll be lucky to hear from them in three years.] Thank you for your time.

Sincerely yours,


Notes

It's way too long, and two thirds of it isn't about your book. It has typos, misused words, self-promotion, buttering up of the agent, irrelevant credits . . . But worst of all, the plot description doesn't have much clear information. Does Jallend kill only sinners? Why does he want a rival? Who is the woman Jallend never thought he could love, and why do you never mention her again?

The competition to get published is fierce. If Evil Editor tried to write a symphony, he would expect someone with an MFA in music to mock his first attempt mercilessly. If Evil Editor tried to create a giraffe or a Dachshund out of a balloon, you would laugh at his comic ineptitude. So it shouldn't be shocking when Evil Editor suggests that while what you've learned about people, natural perceptions, and history may be impressive, what you've learned about the craft of writing (so far), isn't going to get you to your goal. Take classes, join a critique group, read a lot, and someday you'll read this letter and laugh. When you're not groaning.


Selected Comments

Writer said...Is it possible I could send a query for critique without getting it published on your blog? I will now go hide, while you laugh at me ...


Frainstorm said...Sure, and if you ever find someone to publish your book, don't let them.


John said...I must take EE's invitation to mock mercilessly, pointing out that a musician doesn't get an MFA (Master of Fine Arts); she gets an MM (Master of Music). Not to be confused with the candy.

Although at this point chocolate would be more useful than my MM.


Evil Editor said...True, but Evil Editor has always felt that music is as fine an art as . . . well, art. Is playing first violin in the orchestra not finer than painting caricatures in a mall? Is composing a symphony not finer than writing a limerick? It's time musicians got the respect they deserve.

Evil editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Graves at Wind- 
ward

1. Everyone is a suspect when a murder is committed at the Windward Estate. Can cynical Inspector Graves solve the case? Or is he a suspect himself?

2. For ship captain James Riker, nothing symbolizes the personal storms he faces each time he comes into harbor like the smell coming off the recent burials at Kathryn's Point.

3. When four graves at Windward Cemetery are found to be empty, the tabloid headline reads: Pranksters? Or Zombies? But Constable Edgar Charleton has his own theory.

4. Several suspicious accidents at Windward Motor Speedway have upended the NASCAR championship standings. New points leader Jake Corbett must race against time to find the killer, before his beloved #81 car becomes another metal grave.

5. The compelling story of one family's fight to be allowed to turn their backyard into their eventual final resting place.

6. All of the students at Windward Junior High swore they felt a chill on their necks at 10:13 AM on Thursday--the exact time when the crew digging the foundation for the new cafeteria found seven shallow graves.


Original Version

Dear God-Like Literary Agent,

I'm seeking representation for Graves at Windward, a character-driven, 119,000 word mystery set in Cornwall.

"Wolf" Macdougal is a Canadian wildlife biologist steeped in the study of carnivores, with a secret life as a bad writer [Let's hope you didn't base him on yourself.] and a first name he won't reveal. [Is it . . . Rumpelstiltskin?] He's sent to oversee the final solution to a cryptic will. One of England's wealthiest citizens is dead, and to inherit the estate her family must solve a series of puzzles. [Including guessing Wolf's real name.] If they fail, Windward will go to the habitat conservancy that Wolf represents. [Not exactly an impartial judge.]

Wolf soon learns that everyone is united in dislike of the eldest son, George Fairchild, whose love of filthy lucre is exceeded only by his desire to control his wife. She is pregnant. George hates children. He's in the middle of arranging an abortion when he is poisoned. Rasputin-like, George survives, only to be stabbed to death the next night. [Spoiler alert. His wife poisoned him. I'm leaning toward Wolf as the stabber, but only because he's the only other character mentioned.]
Inspector Graves, a cynical local constable once suspected of killing his wife, is called in. Family secrets start to ooze to the surface, and Graves' own murky past becomes the subject of gossip and speculation as he draws nearer to the truth.

This book is one of a series involving Inspector Graves. The second is nearly complete. I'm a member of a literary critique group and have authored a number of biology reports; [If you're a biology expert, maybe your series should be about Wolf instead of Graves. He solves each case through his knowledge of biology:

Wolf: The murderer had to be . . . Mrs. White, the cook! Only she had the opportunity to put lethal castor beans into the victim's stew.

Wolf: Only a trained botanist would have known rhododendrons are fatal. And you, Doctor Wilson, were a Biology major before embarking on your career as a concert pianist!

Wolf: The victim was thrown into barracuda-infested waters wearing a vest made of flank steaks, and only an oceanographer would have known that this would be fatal . . . Professor Cousteau!

Of course, if Wolf is the killer in this book, you'll have to rewrite it with a new villain, or the idea won't work.] [You'll also have to change the title to Wolf at Windward.] [Actually, you'll need a name besides Wolf if he's to be your recurring character in a detective series.] other than that, I've got no writing credentials whatsoever. [Could you be a little more emphatic about your lack of qualifications?]

If this interests you I'd be pleased to send you sample chapters.

Just in case this query letter isn't compelling enough, here is an excerpt from Graves at Windward:

Ms. Rayne's strong tanned hands gripped the smooth, leather-covered poetry anthology like a herpetologist grappling with a recalcitrant snake. Her blue eyes were the color of ice on the Canadian tundra as she scanned the snowy pages and dark text, an expression of contempt on her face. Suddenly she flung down the book in disgust and stomped on it, the hard heel of her rafting sandal grinding it into the carpet like neeps being hackit with balmagowry. [Possibly the greatest metaphor in literary history. May Evil Editor and his minions use this as the next phrase we run into the ground?] She looked about the room. It was crowded with handsome, overly intellectual people and one hairy, pragmatic biologist. Her penetrating orbs landed on the man with the scar, the man they called… Wolf.

"You. Macdougal. Recite me some lines of love," she said imperiously.

He knew in that moment that this was a test. All his fortunes rested on what he would say next. He must rise to the occasion or be forever dismissed as an intellectual lightweight. He locked his steely gaze on hers and in his deep voice began, "Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudding race! Aboon them a' ye take your place, painch, tripe, or thairm…"

"Address to a Haggis," she said huskily. "Oh, Wolf. That is my favorite poem too." [Take me now!] And suddenly she was melting in his arms like les neiges d'antan, the cold proud beauty transformed into a warm, albeit somewhat damp proud beauty, as she raised her Burns-loving lips to his and….

"…What do you think, Wolf?" asked Callie. Her question brought him abruptly out of his reverie.

- Thanks for your time and consideration,

Sincerely, etc.


Notes

The query is fine. The excerpt is hilarious. Is there a way to eliminate the excerpt and convince the reader that the book is brilliant? The problems with including the excerpt are:

1. A lot of so-so writers can find one 20-line excerpt in their novels that, if the entire book were similar in quality, would indicate it's a masterpiece.

2. Including an excerpt is not what the agent is expecting. She starts to read the excerpt, thinking, An excerpt? Are you kidding me? She gets to the recalcitrant snake, the tundra, the balmagowry, the penetrating orbs, and, not realizing this is a daydream, intentionally overdone, decides the author is in love with metaphors and other figures of speech, and doesn't even make it to the end.

Wolf is clearly a cool character. After reading the excerpt I again wonder why Graves is the one you want to bring back. Or will they work together on future cases? One gets the impression Wolf is the main character in this book. It's highly unusual for the detective to not be the main character in a murder mystery, especially if it's a series.

Is the book as amusing as the excerpt? Or is that the funny part? Perhaps a query with an attached first two or three chapters would be better than a query with an out-of-context excerpt. Agents often want chapters included. I've yet to see an agent's submission guidelines that requested "20 to 25 lines of text from anywhere in the book."

If the excerpt is intended to demonstrate Wolf's "secret life as a bad writer," maybe the book should be in 1st person. If that's not possible, may we at least assume all the overdone prose happens when we're in Wolf's POV?

If the book is basically a mystery, with one amusing character, and you want to concentrate on the mystery rather than the comedy, you might want to expand your query to include a couple more characters and their possible motives for killing the victim.


Selected Comments

Poohba said...After reading that query, Wolf is the character I'm interested in. I really don't care about this Inspector Graves guy who comes in mid-letter.


BuffySquirrel said...Inspectors aren't constables.


JTC said...I can tell from the query and excerpt that I am not educated enough to read this book. I am a victim of my own limited vocabulary. I guess that isn't the writer's fault. I'm off to study my Funk and Wagnall's.


Anonymous said...Erm, is that excerpt supposed to be funny? I sure hope so, because it was almost a cartoon of bad writing. I needed a beverage alert on the word "orbs".


oujpkcm said...There's a lot of stuff going on in here that doesn't really fit. For one thing, if you're going to pull a secretive name (a la Columbo or the state of the Simpsons' Springfield), don't draw attention to your gimmick, just do it. EE is right about the detective's role in a mystery--is Wolf the sidekick? And if Wolf wants the family to fail at the puzzles so that his organization gets the land, wouldn't it be better to just leave them alone to figure it out themselves?

Scrap the purple excerpt and stick on the first five pages. You've got my interest, Wolf sounds fun, I think the title(s) are brilliant (but would be equally brilliant as "Wolf in ...")


Anonymous said...Sounds, actually, rather interesting. I was all "yeah, yeah whatever" until we got to the excerpt. I'd definitely include it, but as an "I've enclosed five sample pages for your convenience" instead of part of the letter.

I always remembered learning at school that that poem was called "To a Haggis" rather than "Address to a Haggis," but I guess I'll take your word on it.

On thing though... I'd reconsider the phrase "final solution" in the first paragraph. That's a phrase that has a stigma about it that goes back to when the Nazi final solution was to exterminate the jews... it doesn't usually apply to wills, and kinda give the wrong impression I think.


daniel said...Am I missing something, or is there a reason to write a dream sequence using tortured metaphors and purple prose? I don't see a natural connection. Or is the idea that Wolf is a bad writer and therefore daydreams in bad prose?


Julie said...Please ditch the penetrating orbs. I wasn't sure if you were talking about eyeballs or breasts.

Unless that was the point you were trying to make . . .


Anonymous said..."If they fail, Windward will go to the habitat conservancy that Wolf represents." -- so his job is to ensure they fail?

The query seems to read that he's there to solve the puzzle, so the family gets the loot, which would be an obvious conflict of interest.


Evil Editor said...It seems to me he's there to represent the conservancy's interests, that is, to make sure there's no cheating in the puzzle solving.

Anonymous said......other than that, I've got no writing credentials whatsoever.

If this interests you I'd be pleased to send you sample chapters.
Erm, perhaps those sentences shouldn't be next to each other. It looks like you say: "if you're interested in my lack of credentials, I'd be happy to send sample chapters." I'm pretty sure that's not what you mean.


Martha (and cat) said...I have to say I'm jumping on the bandwagon with the other posters, I'd be hoping for the book to focus more on Wolf that anyone else. He sounds like a fun read, and I didn't really get a feel for the Graves-fellow.

By the way, who are we supposed to be rooting for? I got a little confused with the two sides on riddle contest, and then the murder mystery whodunit layer, and the introduction of a 'good guy' once everything else was on the table...


msjones said...Neeps hackit with balmagowry is from Treasons’ Harbour (Patrick O'Brien).

Thank you, minionistas, and most especially thank you, E2. You are prescient: indeed, Wolf is there to watch out for the Conservancy’s interests, and as he is Canadian, he is the nicest character.

The whole book is funny, but I can’t figure out how to convey that in the query. Yes, I’ve tried telling literary agents that it’s witty. I’m sure they just roll their eyes. No, wait! Yes, yes it is funny! Wait, here’s more if you don’t believe me:

Pedal to the metal, Wolf gripped the steering wheel of the Rover with one hand and jounced through the deserted outback, expertly shifting from fourth to fifth. The cruel scar on his face throbbed like the final notes of a Puccini opera. It ran down the left side of his swarthy phiz, cutting a naked swath through his dark beard and ending at his temple, where the puckered tissue slanted one wicked eye upward. Some days it had a mind of its own, and would break into a tango. The old war wound gave him the appearance of evil insouciance.

He pulled his pack of cigarettes out of the rolled up sleeve of his t-shirt, which was emblazoned with the lyrics from “Sugar Magnolia.” His biceps bulged as he lit the unfiltered Camel and sucked in a dose of concentrated carcinogens. He didn’t care. He knew he was born to hang, not to die in a sterile hospital after repeated and futile chemotherapy and radiation treatments consisting of large doses of cisplatin and etoposide followed by a gamma knife to the brain and perhaps the occasional gefitinib pill thrown in for good measure.

He roared through town, scattering small English ladies before him like potato crisps in a hurricane, and banged to a stop in front of the stony old police station. It loomed ominously in the pulchritudinous afternoon, but he was not a man to eschew the uncomfortable. He strode through the doors to meet his nemesis, Inspector Graves.

“Have a seat,” said Graves menacingly. “Would you care for a cup of tea?”

So it was to be good cop first. Wolf barked a short laugh. “I’ll have some absinthe, if you’ve got it,” he retorted.

Graves produced a bottle of the evil green liquid, poured out a dose of wormwood elixir, and shoved it across the table. Wolf downed it in one gulp, set down the glass, and said, “Do your worst.”

“Very well,” said Graves. “Where were you on the night of the twenty-sixth?”

“Minding my own God-damned business.”

“I need you to be a little more specific.”

“You’ll get nothing out of me, copper,” Wolf sneered. He would go to hell and back for the lovely Ms. Rayne, and he was not about to betray the fact that they had spent the night coupled in eighty-eight of the sixty-nine positions of the Kama Sutra.

Graves reached into his pocket and pulled out brass knuckles. He slipped them over his massive hand and made a fist. “Now will you talk?”

He had transitioned from good cop to bad cop with remarkable ease, thought Wolf. “Okay, okay,” he said hastily. He would have to lie like a hairy bear rug. “I was writing a letter to my mother.”

“Oh?” said Graves suspiciously. “What was in it?”

What indeed? Wolf pulled up to the police station and parked. If he didn’t get a letter off to his parents soon they’d begin to think he was dead…

- The book’s opening pages are more lurid prose from Wolf, so all the literary agents who are like anonymous at 11:46 a.m. are going to flip it into the waste bin faster than Scarlett vomiting up a neep in that great scene where she swears she’ll never go hungry again.

Most of the lit agents I’ve queried don’t want to see opening pages or chapters, but I’ll try again with those who do.

In the meantime, I metaphorically kiss your feet. Thanks again, E2.


Robin L. said...If you think the opening doesn't represent the entire work well, maybe think about adding a page in the beginning to frame the book. You don't want a reader to have the same experience as an agent - looking at the beginning and not getting it and putting it down.

The book sounds hilarious, so I hope you get some traction. Good luck!


Anonymous said...If he's Canadian, he's not smoking Camels--an American cigarette. Stick an Export A or Players in his mouth instead.

Feedback Request

The author of the book summarized in Synopsis 36 has posted a revision in the comments there, and awaits your input.

Face-Lift 1125

Guess the Plot

A Royal Pain

1. For years, the palace staff has tolerated Queen Zenilda III's so-called practical jokes. But when her banana peel prank puts Lady Mitochondria in intensive care, the rest of the ladies-in-waiting stage a palace coup.

2. The King has gout, the Queen has headaches. Physicians have been useless so far. When a gentleman shows up peddling a "cure all" he's invited in. Is he a harmless quack, or something more sinister?

3. Her face graces the covers of most magazines and her dress sense is widely copied. But even those who wholeheartedly despise the "future queen" are surprised when she reveals herself to be an alien with plans to imprison and torture humankind.

4. The king's heir Alexan is betrothed to Jayna, but they just met and they can't stand each other. Add to that the fact that Jayna must constantly roam the land or she'll simply die, while Al prefers to sit around the palace, and you've got yourself . . . A Royal Pain.

5. When the Hungarian ambassador is found shot at the La Brea Tar Pits with the royal jewels stuffed in his rectum, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things. One, Zoltan Vargas didn't fall on those diamonds while taking a shower, and two, Zoltan is a kickass name.

6. Mad King George lays another "magic egg" in a mystery location. The Groom of the Stool is the only one excited. There seems to be no way to potty train King George. But just when the royal staff is about to give up, a time machine lands in the garden and Mary Poppins steps out.

7. Unwed Princess Lorena will go homicidal on the next sadist to sneak a pea under her mattress. Then she meets King Frenik who's just as sensitive as she. Unfortunately his kingdom is in revolt and Lorena has one day to save him from the guillotine. Starving peasants. Ill-equipped knights. Scheming vassals. Surely kings don't need to put up with all these plebeian affairs.



Original Version

Dear Editor of Supreme Evilness,

I saw (somewhere) that you are interested in young adult manuscripts. [You misread it. I'm interested in young adult mannequins. I'm doing my own interior decorating this time.] I think you may enjoy my young adult fantasy novel, A Royal Pain, complete at 55,000 words. I would like to invite you to review the manuscript and consider it for representation. [More concise would be: I am seeking representation for A Royal Pain, a YA fantasy complete at 55,000 words.] [Even more concise: I have A Royal Pain, and I heard you have Ibuprofen.]

Getting betrothed to a princess he’s never even met is the last thing seventeen year old Prince Alexan of Vakela wants to do. [Just because someone doesn't want to do something doesn't make it the last thing he wants to do. I could name a thousand things that would make an arranged marriage seem like a cheese danish from Andre's Hungarian.] His intended, Princess Jayna of Pardin, isn’t exactly thrilled about the arrangement either, and when they meet to exchange vows neither one of them is surprised to discover they can’t stand each other. But the ceremony is put on hold when Gustus, Jayna’s tutor, is kidnapped and the betrothal contracts he carried stolen; contracts that would also confirm Alexan as heir to the throne of Vakela. [Lemme get this straight. Alexan is the prince and heir to the throne, but if some tutor from another kingdom loses some contract, someone else becomes heir to the throne?] Faced with such a crisis Jayna does the only sensible thing, taking matters into her own hands and riding to Gustus’s rescue with Prince Alexan along as her unlikely accomplice. ["Accomplice" suggests a crime. Perhaps "comrade in arms"?] [If they can't stand each other, and the betrothal contracts have been lost, they should be celebrating.]

Disguised as poor farmer’s sons they track Gustus’s kidnappers to a far off city and a dangerous criminal underworld apparently run ["Apparently run" meaning "not run."] by none other than Alexan’s disinherited older brother, Davin. [If you just say "by Alexan’s disinherited older brother," we'll infer that it's none other than hm.] But things are not what they seem and soon Jayna and Alexan discover that Davin is nothing more than the pawn of a ruthless crime lord. Voris has addicted Davin to a potent drug and plans to have Alexan killed before his claim to the throne can be confirmed, then set Davin up as a puppet king for him to rule through. [Of course he can't rule through Davin until the current king is also dead. I mean, if you killed Prince Charles's older brother in 1955 so that you could rule through Prince Charles when Queen Elizabeth II died, you've been waiting 58 years. You're probably dead.] With Jayna’s surprising street smarts, and the help of a band of young thieves, Jayna and Alexan manage to free both Gustus and Davin and return to Vakelon [Vakelon? I thought it was Vakela. Of course places do change their names from time to time. For instance, Persia to Iran, Siam to Thailand, Ceylon to Sri Lanka and Chad to Ochocinco.] with no one any the wiser. [Not even Voris? Surely he eventually notices his meal ticket is missing.]

After the betrothal ceremony [There's a betrothal ceremony before the wedding? So when the were meeting to exchange vows two paragraphs ago, those weren't the wedding vows? Those were the vows to take the vows?] Jayna returns home, now close friends with both Davin and Alexan, but just as opposed to the marriage as ever. For she and the brothers now share a secret that will forever keep them apart even as it binds them closer: Jayna is part Ghaltani, one of the mystical, nomadic people of the high mountains for whom it is fatal not to roam the land. [This is a secret? Has she been roaming the land all her life up to now? Has anyone said to her, "Hey Jayna, how come you're constantly roaming the land like a Ghaltani?" Was the secret known to her mother? Why would they arrange a marriage between a Ghaltani and a couch potato?] And if Jayna should marry Alexan, and be tied to the palace, it will mean nothing less than her certain death. [If you just say it will mean "her certain death," we will infer that it isn't something less than that.] Now it’s up to Alexan to find a way to save the strange princess to whom he’s betrothed…and who has become the best friend he’s ever had.

A Royal Pain is a stand-alone novel with series potential. I have included (whatever your website said you wanted.) My previous writing experience includes locally published short stories, poetry, and brochures. When I’m not writing I am either riding a horse, showing a horse, or teaching my students how not to fall off a horse. [Did you consider making all the characters in your book horses? It would be like Watership Down, but with horses instead of rabbits. I see Alexan in the movie being played by Mr. Ed.] Please feel free to contact me at any time to request a partial or full manuscript. Thank you very much for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

This "roam the land or die" rule seems rather arbitrary. Can you roam any land? What are the early symptoms of not roaming the land? When you go to the doctor because you're feeling lousy, is her first question always When did you last roam the land? Can you roam back and forth between two camps, or do you have to keep roaming to new lands?

Why would Voris want to create the appearance that Davin is running the criminal underworld? If I were Voris I would keep Davin locked up until I was ready to make my move.

Rescuing Davin and Gustus feels like the big climax. If it isn't, I expect Voris to come after the heroes. Instead the big climax seems to be Alexan must decide whether he'd rather be king or roam the land with Jayna, but since the current king may rule another forty years, it's not that big an issue.

Even after you cut the first paragraph down to one sentence and get rid of your credits and horse obsession, it's still a little long. We can do without a lot of the detail and vague phrases, like Disguised as poor farmer’s sons, After the betrothal ceremony Jayna returns home, things are not what they seem, does the only sensible thing . . .

Perhaps we can dump the Ghaltani paragraph entirely and pretend that the big finish is With the help of a band of young thieves, Jayna and Alexan must rescue Davin and Gustus and get home before whatever.

The title suggests this might be more comedic than it apparently is.

Feedback Request

The author of the query featured in Face-Lift 1118 has posted a revision in the comments there, and awaits your feedback.