Evil Editor's Blog, page 138

Synopsis 36

Sir Byron Wedderburn is an eighteenth century ladykiller who lives for the indecent pursuit of pleasure. He encounters Lenore, his true love, on the night of a summer solstice orgy. [As with the query, not clear if she was already his true love or this is true love at first sight.] She agrees to a rendezvous at midnight and joins the other guests. [When you meet your "true love" at an orgy and she ditches you to "mingle" with other guests, the handwriting is pretty much on the wall.] He regrets letting her go, searches uselessly [Futilely? Unsuccessfully? In vain?] for her, and is lured outside by a mysterious man, Vlad, who bites him and renders him immortal. [I was gonna say anyone who goes off alone with someone named Vlad is too stupid to live, but as he becomes immortal . . . ] Lenore finds Byron passed out and takes him to bed. She tells him they are both bloodthirsty immortal creatures, ["Both" meaning Lenore and Byron or Lenore and Vlad or Vlad and Byron?] but leaves him to hide from her violent master, also Vlad.

Byron lays [lies] in bed for weeks and misses Lenore. In his despondent state he shouts into the night and unknowingly summons two rogue fiends who are jealous of his power. [Has he demonstrated any power?] They seize [take] him to London, force him to drink toxic blood, and throw him into street slush at dawn. [That's the best they can do to their enemy? Toss him into street slush? Was London the closest place they could find street slush, or does London have the best street slush?] He dissolves for decades. [Say what? Is it the slush or the sunlight that makes him dissolve? If a sugar cube took decades to dissolve in a cup of coffee, you wouldn't even notice it was dissolving. And the coffee would evaporate before the sugar dissolved.]

Naked and alone Byron awakens in an alley in Los Angeles in the year 2012. [Is he still dissolving? How much of him has dissolved? Maybe just his clothes dissolved.] He is rescued by Gustave, [He's in an alley, alone. What does he need rescuing from?] another of his kind, [His kind? Why are we painstakingly avoiding the word "vampire?"] who helps him adapt to a power[-]driven twenty-first century lifestyle. [It's a last-chance power drive.] Byron longs for Lenore, and she visits him in a dream to warn of Gustave’s malicious intent. Byron considers him his dearest friend, and her warning makes no sense.

Lenore finally appears to Byron. She confesses that while he slept she and Gustave were lovers. She also warns of a spell Gustave holds that would allow him to trap the heightened senses of other immortals, or the doppelganger. [Say what?] This would give Gustave limitless power. He only needs a male and female of his rank, and they are perfect candidates. [He was Lenore's lover and Byron's best friend. Why hasn't he trapped their heightened senses already?] [What will Gustave do if he traps their heightened senses? This is key.]

Byron is not sure if Lenore still loves Gustave but can not make her reveal the truth. [Sorry Byron, but if the truth is No, she'd happily say so.] She disappears again. Gustave and Byron go to Palos Verdes to camp, but before they reach the cliffs rogue fiends chase them in a storm of bullets. [Rogue fiends again? What is a rogue fiend? Are these the same rogue fiends that threw Byron into street slush? What's their diabolical plan this time, to throw him into pond scum?] Are there and fiends who haven't gone rogue?] Gustave kills his nemesis. Byron's worst enemy taunts him but Byron is not yet strong enough to kill him. [Who is Byron's worst enemy? Gustave? If so, why is he revealing his true colors to Byron now?] He vanishes.

Lenore has followed them. This confuses Byron. [Lenore disappeared and Byron vanished in the previous paragraph. Where are they now?] He is not sure if she and Gustave still love each other. Despite this she has planned a new adventure and Byron is happy to be with her again.


Notes

What happened to Vlad?

Why are the rogue fiends jealous of Byron's power? They have no trouble transporting him to London and tossing him in street slush. Seems like they're more powerful than he is.

Lenore calls the characters "bloodthirsty creatures." I would expect her to use milder terms, especially if she's including herself.

The last two paragraphs are all over the place. More like an outline of the last few chapters than the wrap-up of a story.

Why do Lenore and Byron meet at an orgy? Seems like a party would be just as good, and would inspire fewer questions about how these two can be in love.

Face-Lift 1118

Guess the Plot
Sovereign of Night
1. For 200 years vampire Basil quietly lived in his secluded Colorado castle. When he rescues some college girls from a bear, he is instantly attracted to one of them and screw it, I'm as sick of crappy vampire novels as everyone else. Why can't he just bite a bitch and be done with it?
2. He rules . . . in the night. He's probably a vampire. And vampire books sell really, really well, so . . . he's a vampire. Yeah. That's it. A book about a vampire. Oooooo!

3. Byron Wedderburn, 18th century playboy, is bitten, rendered immortal and forced to drink toxic blood. He sleeps 250 years and awakens in Los Angeles, where he continues his hedonistic lifestyle until he runs into his old girlfriend Lenore, who's still alive because she's actually a goddess.

4. Oliver's position as supreme sovereign over the Vampire High Council is jeopardized when his rival learns Oliver's darkest secret: his human lover. Now Oliver must fight the legions to save his unborn child.
 
5. Virgin co-ed Mickie Night, overwhelmed with grief following her mother's death, takes a semester off to explore London. Two days in, she encounters hunky Jack Sovereign who seems bent on exploring Mickie. It's 50 Shades with a cockney twist.

6. After millenia of scheming, Lucifer is back. A horde of demons is clawing through the pearly gates and God is poised to let the tide turn unless the next soul up for Judgment is found pure. As if poor Shelly didn't have enough pressure.

7. Agnes looks out her apartment window. Somebody threw a rock and shattered the streetlamp again. Now she must use her lamp and her own money to read the romance novel she fetched from her neighbor’s trash. So she sits in the dark and imagines her heirs fighting over her money after she’s gone. 


 
Original Version
Dear Mr. Evil Editor,

Sir Byron Wedderburn is an eighteenth century playboy proud to call himself a steadfast hedonist. He encounters his true love Lenore on the night of a summer solstice orgy and feels complete. [In my experience, when you meet your true love at an orgy you feel complete only until she moves on to the guy over by the Adonis statue.] But his world of endless parties with illustrious guests disintegrates after he is bitten and rendered immortal by a mysterious beast of a man. [Actually, the only way to fully enjoy parties that never end is if you are immortal; why should immortality cause his world to disintegrate?] [Is Byron a vampire? A werewolf? A mysterious beast of a man? Is immortality the only consequence of being bitten?]
After Lenore, an eternal goddess, leaves Byron to hide from her abusive master, [You'd think an eternal goddess could come up with a better strategy for dealing with an abuser than hiding. Can't she turn him into a goat? What makes him her master?] rogue fiends seize a heartbroken Byron and force him to drink toxic blood. [That sounds like something your classic orthodox fiend would do. A fiend who's gone rogue would probably be a sweetie.] A deep slumber ensues for two hundred fifty years. He awakens naked and alone in Los Angeles in the year 2012.
He is rescued by Gustave, [Rescued from what? Is he naked, alone, and imprisoned?] another elegant immortal, [Is there anyone in this book who isn't immortal?] who warmly introduces him to a modern jet-set lifestyle as they pursue and kill members of a ruthless coven [of immortals]. Byron reunites with Lenore and is not sure if her past affair with Gustave will ruin their bond. He forgives her but does not trust her. [You had an affair after I'd been unconscious for only 245 years?! I can never again trust you.]
Gustave holds a rare spell that can grant him limitless power, [What will he do if he gets limitless power?] but only if he entraps two of his kind indefinitely, and Lenore and Byron are perfect candidates. Byron must choose between his true love and best friend, or survive alone in the twenty-first century, a thought that terrifies him. [Tough decision. Your true love or the guy who wants to entrap you indefinitely.]
SOVEREIGN OF NIGHT is an 80,000 word count novel that explores the world of unapologetic demoniacs, and uncovers the cravings of voluptuaries of the new millennium. [Unless you're writing to someone who has specifically stated she's looking for a novel that explores the world of unapologetic demoniacs and uncovers the cravings of voluptuaries of the new millennium, I recommend leaving this out.] The poetry of Lord Byron [, Edgar Allan Poe,] and Coleridge, as well as elements of Gothic literature from Ann Radcliffe to Anne Rice greatly inspired me. 
I am an immedicable romantic [Burn your thesaurus.] and avid reader of Gothic and Romantic literature as well as modern fiction. I have written professionally for a now extinct society column in Nashville, TN. I reside with my fiance in Las Vegas, NV. [What's with the smoking in casinos? It's the 21st century.] [This paragraph isn't needed.]
Thank you for your time and consideration. Synopsis below.
Yours very truly,


Notes

Hard to believe you could be asleep and naked for 250 years without anyone stumbling upon you. Do these rogue fiends maintain his sleeping body for 250 years, inexplicably transporting it to Los Angeles at some point? Or do they ditch his sleeping body, at which point Lenore takes on the task of caring for him in his comatose state? And if she is in LA keeping tabs on him as he sleeps, why does Gustave have to rescue him? Why didn't she rescue him?

Was Lenore forced to be at the orgy by her abusive master? Because normally abusers don't give their victims permission to go to sex parties. 

Not clear whether Byron and Lenore have a lengthy relationship after the orgy, or if she leaves him during the orgy to get away from her master. If the former, is the  abusive master just letting Lenore have a romantic relationship with Byron? If the latter, did Byron really expect a woman he met once at an orgy and never saw again to be faithful to him during the 250 years he was sleeping it off?

If Gustave needs to entrap two immortals, why doesn't he just entrap Byron from the beginning instead of rescuing him and introducing him to a jet-set lifestyle?

Not sure what is meant by Gustave getting limitless power if he entraps B & L indefinitely. If he entraps them for a week, does he have limitless power for a week? Because if I had limitless power for a week, I think I could set things up so I wouldn't need much power going forward.

We need to focus on Byron/Lenore. There are too many villains: abusive master, mysterious beast of a man, rogue fiends, ruthless coven, Gustave. Save three or four of them for the synopsis or the book. The setup: Lenore, a goddess, and Byron, a whatever, find true love, but when Byron drinks toxic blood, he falls into a 250-year sleep, waking in 2012 Los Angeles.

The plot: I'm not sure. Lenore and Byron are reunited, but must work together to prevent Gustave from . . . what? It's too vague to say they need to prevent him from getting limitless power. What's at stake?

The 9th Evil Editor Book?

So, I purchased a package of 10 ISBNs when I started Evil Editor Publications. I've used 8 of them (Evil Editor Strips needed separate ones for the hardcover and softcover versions). In order to get my money's worth, I need to publish 2 more books. Possibilities:

                                      art: Bill Highsmith1. The hardcover leather- bound edition of Novel Devia- tions, consisting of the 50 or so best ones from each of volumes 1, 2, and 3, plus the 50 best that appeared after those books were published. Actually, the only reason those books were called Novel Deviations was because another book had just come out titled Novel Twists, so I might go with that title now that years have passed. Of course, I can't find Novel Twists on Amazon, so maybe that book totally bombed because of the lame title. Maybe I should call it Oliver Twists, in hopes it will be purchased accidentally.

2. The History of the World in Tweets. Compiling the best of the recently tweeted historical tweets, plus adding some more. Not really the history of the world, as most of what happened before the 14th century wasn't kept track of because no one knew how to write and every country had its own calendar and nothing of much interest happened most years anyway. Possibly illustrated with cartoons starring EE through history.

3. Mrs. Varmighan Tweets. The tweets of Mrs. V, each accompanied by its own cartoon.

4. 101 Query Letters. The best Face-Lifts from the blog.

5. Photo album of highlights of the first Evil Editor Writers Retreat, yet to be scheduled.

6. A novel by one of my minions whose query appeared on the blog.

7. My autobiographical novel, titled Evil Editor's Romance Novel.

8. Whirlochre! A compilation of my favorite posts from Whirlochre's blog.

9. Novel Ideas. 1001 brilliant ideas for novels, compiled from the approximately 6000 fake plots that have appeared on the blog. Illustrated.

Face-Lift 1117

Guess the Plot

Clockwork Hearts

1. Tick, tick, tick--Shondra's biological clock has launched into overdrive. Can she find a man before her last oocyte ejects? Also, a nagging mother.

2. After Alexis, a bored hipster living in the near dystopian future, is arrested at a student debt protest, the feds use her as a guinea pig for the controversial Ludditico Technique, which trains her to fear gizmos and gadgets of any kind. But can she survive without her iPhone?

3. When Sun Moon, owner of Koreatown dating service "Clockwork Hearts" is found hanging in her bathroom, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things. One, she didn't shoot herself in the head before hanging in the shower, and two, there's that new Korean place that just opened, so maybe he should take the family out for a change.

4. An automaton runs away with a velocipede in 1889 Paris. When her crush develops an infatuation for la belle tour Eiffel, the angry two-wheeler sets out to loosen every screw in the momument. Will 18,038 iron parts crash down onto the crowds at the Exposition?

5. Famed for creating clockwork creatures to serve the wealthy, Victor wants a new challenge. He finds it when the Newmans ask him to fix their dying daughter Lenore. But can his talent with mechanics save a life? And if not, can he create a clockwork Lenore realistic enough to fool the Newmans?

6. The main problem with the new artificial heart, the Tiktok2, is that it has to be rewound every 24 hours-- and the key is in the patient's back. After a 7.9 earthquake hits Clockwork City, Tiktok2 recipient Jason Walker finds himself trapped in rubble... with his worst enemy.

7. A madman is digging up graves and attempting to build part human, part cyborg creatures out of human corpses. But when two of his creations fall in love, he must decide whether or not to silence their clockwork hearts.

8. Graham's timing is catastrophic. Late to his wedding, his fiance leaves him at the altar. Alone on his honeymoon, he rescues Julia, his soulmate, on a scuba diving excursion. Unfortunately, Julia is about to tie the knot. Can Graham win her heart in time?



Original Version

Dear EvilEditor

Victor Roussel is a man driven by curiosity.

His experiments in Paris satisfied some of his burning questions on the limits of human mortality, [Are you saying his experiments showed how long a human can live? Because I don't see how you can get good data on that. If all your test subjects die before they're 80, that doesn't prove 80 is the limit of human mortality. Plus, what if you die before they do? You spend 30 years monitoring a bunch of old people, and 12 of them are still alive when you get run over by a truck. And the whole experiment is down the drain.] but four years later in London, the hunger for new knowledge has again begun to rear its head. Although he is rapidly becoming known for creating Clockwork Charlies—almost sentient creatures made of clockwork who serve London’s rich and fashionable [women]—Victor is bored with the predictability of it all, and longs for something new and daring with which to satisfy his curiosity. So [he comes up with Clockwork Charlotte, satisfying both his curiosity and that of the heretofore untapped male market.] when the Newmans approach him and ask if he can somehow fix their dying daughter Lenore, he eagerly accepts the challenge.

Although he is initially enthusiastic, the family dynamics within the Newman household [Newman!] begin to trouble his never-very-active moral compass, and force him to question whether or not the experiment should go ahead. [Vague. What's bugging him?]

In the midst of all this, Victor is reunited with his childhood sweetheart Mercy, and their growing romance begins to conflict with his commitment to Lenore. [Commitment? A sentence ago he was ready to let her die just because he was bothered by the Newman family dynamics.] Mercy’s moral strength could give Victor the courage he needs to make the right choice, but where does his heart truly lie—with love or science? [What's the choice? Save the girl or get it on with Mercy? The mention of Mercy's moral strength suggests that she isn't annoyed that Victor is helping Lenore when he could be taking Mercy to the opera every night.]

CLOCKWORK HEARTS is historical science fiction [Steampunk romance?], complete at 60,000 words. This is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

The first long paragraph stresses Victor's hunger for new knowledge, his longing for something new and daring with which to satisfy his curiosity, his eagerness to accept a new challenge. If you expect us to believe he's going to abandon the project, you need to provide a better reason than the troubling family dynamics of the Newman household.

Why is it a choice anyway? Can't a scientist have romance in his life? I wouldn't bother mentioning a choice unless there's one that's a true dilemma.

This is all setup. You can set up the situation in one paragraph: Although he is renowned for creating Clockwork Charlies—almost sentient creatures made of clockwork who serve London’s rich and fashionable—Victor Roussel longs for something new and daring with which to satisfy his curiosity. So when the Newmans ask if he can somehow fix their dying daughter Lenore, he eagerly accepts the challenge.

That leaves lots of room to tell us what he's doing for Lenore, what specifically gums up the works, what role Mercy plays in driving the plot forward. We want to know what happens.

That opening one-sentence paragraph is a waste of space.

Is the name "Victor" supposed to clue the reader in to the similarities to Victor Frankenstein? We would get that, even if he were named Bob. Whether readers will be annoyed that you feel they need to have this driven home to them is a question for the minions.  

Frankenstein and "Lenore." It's obvious you just finished studying early 19th-century literature.

Not clear what is meant by "almost sentient creatures." To me, they're either sentient or they aren't. There was a courtroom proceeding to decide whether Commander Data was sentient, but even there, it came down to a choice between He is or He isn't. There was no middle ground of He is . . . almost.]

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Isaran

1. In the jungles of Colombia grows a tiny purple flower, the Isaran, which can cure cancer. When agents of MI5 and the CIA can't get past Colombian rebels to harvest the flower, the president calls on a guy he knew in college who could make funny noises in his armpit. Also, a botanist babe.

2. Murdered unicorns are found near the land of giant cats. The unicorns blame the cats. The cats claim they've been framed. It falls upon Arija sy Kieri to find the truth, and avert inter-species war on the world called . . . Isaran.

3. Under pressure from her mother to bring a date to Aunt Gladys' 4th wedding, Jenny resurrects the Babylonian God of the Plague, Isaran. But when Jenny falls for Isaran, can she convince him not to go back to dealing death to the innocent, but to settle down with her?

4. When a parrot tells Joe he must save the world from space aliens by flying to the moon and recovering the lost talisman of Isaran from Crater Gassendi, Joe laughs. But the bird tells him what numbers to play in the lottery to finance his rocket and two days later that ticket wins. Should Joe defy his wife and go?

5. It's a spy vs spy world, and glamorous Binky Koslov must use her cover as a lingerie model to infiltrate the dangerous world of celebrity golf and discover who poisoned the Prime Minister's gin.

6. Martha Stewart meets Isaac Asimov in this short story collection that defines the Three Laws of Cling Film. Tales of saran wrap gone mad, saran wrap with a sense of humor, and a guest appearance by Rachael Ray.


Original Version

Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation for my 110,000-word fantasy novel, ISARAN, and thought you might like to consider it.

When murdered unicorn foals begin appearing [are discovered] on the border between the unicorns and the lirolen---a race of intelligent, tiger-sized felines---tensions rise between the two nations. [Whoever came up with the idea of the unicorn deserves an award for lameness. I mean, if you want to make up a fantastical new creature, slapping a horn onto a horse doesn't take a whole lot of imagination. It's like the guys plotting out the Star Trek universe, and they need a new species from a planet called Vulcan:

Star Trek Producer: We need a creature called a Vulcan.
Makeup Artist: For one episode?
Star Trek Producer: No, it'll be in every episode.
Makeup Artist: Shit. Okay, I say it should look exactly like a human.
Star Trek Producer: The species evolved on a planet larger and hotter than Earth, thinner air, mostly deserts and mountains, in another solar system. Completely different environment. No way would they look like humans.
Makeup Artist: All right, already. I'll give him pointy ears.
Star Trek Producer: Now you're talking.]

Arija sy Kieri, Advisor of the Five Lands, must determine the truth: whether the lirolen are being framed, as they protest, or if the giant cats are reopening the interspecies wars that once devastated the continent. He attempts a dangerous question spell to find out. But someone interferes with his spell, in a manner that should be impossible, and Arija is nearly killed in the process. He is left with no answers, only more questions [At which point he slaps himself on the forehead and says, "Idiot! Instead of a question spell, I should have used an answer spell.] and a wary young woman accidentally---and irreversibly---transported from another world. Accompanied by her and two maverick unicorns, Arija sets out to discover the spell's saboteur.

Before he can, the enraged unicorn queen declares war on the lirolen. Then the king of Coribar, the human nation, is assassinated, [Humans? On the same planet with unicorns? Wouldn't they have wiped out all the unicorns to get their horns as aphrodisiacs?] [Unicorn, from the Latin "uni," meaning one, and the English "corn," meaning ear of corn. Most people think a unicorn's horn looks like a spiral tree ornament, but it actually looks like this:]


and Arija himself comes under suspicion of treason. Faced with treacherous dragons, politically wavering centaurs, and a spreading tangle of war and conspiracy, Arija can't imagine how his problems could get worse---until his investigation leads south, to a legendary land across the sea, [One wonders what kind of legends they would have on a world that actually has unicorns, centaurs and dragons. I can imagine centaurs telling their children about the legendary land of Australia, with its mythical kangaroos--part deer, part velociraptor, part purse.] where the legacy of Coribar's bloody past may wait to destroy them all.

I have enclosed a SASE, and the complete manuscript is available upon request. I am currently at work on a second standalone novel set in the world of Isaran. [A world on which evolutionary development, coincidentally, mirrors Earth's mythology.]

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

Unicorns have made their way into numerous fantasies, but if you're gonna make up lirolen, why not make up all your creatures?

Are unicorns born the same way as horses? Because I definitely wouldn't want to be pregnant with a unicorn.

Is Arija human? Usually you want to focus on a human character, but if the reader doesn't know if he's human . . . I didn't even know there were any humans on Isaran until their king got assassinated.

Can unicorns and lirolen talk? What are the two other lands, besides human, unicorn and lirolen? Just wondering.

I'm not sure what purpose the girl from another world serves in the book, but I think you should either give her a bigger role in the query, or eliminate her. All she does is appear. Is she instrumental in solving any problems?


Selected Comments

phoenix said...Hello Author:
At 110K words, I'm assuming this is adult rather than YA, so it's geared toward me as audience. While I love fantasy, I'm getting rather tired of the same creatures seen over and over. I can handle one overdone race in a book (be it any of the ones you have or elves or dwarves or whatever), but it's really got to play beyond the stereotype to get my buy in. Otherwise, it's "seen it, read it, done it" for me. When you throw together FOUR stereotypical races/species, well, I'm thinking if you can't come up with original beasties, can you really pull off an original plot?

So why even throw in one created race, the lirolen? Hmmm. A "tiger-sized feline" makes me think, well, tiger, but later you call them "giant cats." "Feline" and "cat" refers to any of the cat family, from domestic kitties to extinct sabre tooths. If they are tiger-like, then they aren't extra-large. So I'm assuming lirolens are like extra-big, extra-cute household kitties. Doesn't seem likely they could have held their own against unicorns, centaurs, dragons and humans in any inter-species war.

As for the girl, just please don't let her be from, gasp, Earth.

You obviously love fantasy (and for very good reason!). You just need to find your own story to tell. The great thing about fantasy is that you can build your own worlds and create your own races, and give readers a ride for their money that they simply won't find anywhere else.

I'm sure you'll find your stride. Good luck!


pjd said...You know, I guess the story sounds interesting and the query seems well written generally, taking into account EE's comments, of course. I think the part about the question spell could be tightened up--all we really need to know is that he tries to figure out the truth through magic, but someone's thwarted him in a way that should be impossible. (I like the way you phrased that.)

I just can't get past the intelligent cats versus unicorns. I don't know... it falls flat for me in the same way the sentient ship did many queries ago. Other people loved it, so maybe this is just one of those not my things. I just don't connect with it.

If it were warring groups of the same species, even if it's a fictitious species, I would bite more, I think. Kitties and horsies, though, make me think of grade school cliques of girls mad at each other, and the teacher has to step in and sort things out.


Anonymous said...What's missing is a low key Humphrey Bogart type detective and his Lauren Bacall-esque sidekick. They can cat around, make witty remarks, chat up the suspects, notice telling clues, be cool, and give this plot a little more continuity. Put them in funny outfits and give them magic wands, if you must, but your story as set up in the beginning is fundamentally a murder mystery. Who killed the unicorns? But instead of staying focused on finding that culprit, you wander through exploding magic spells and the exploits of a series of miscellaneous characters who pop in to get killed or make detours to other lands, fight dragons, etc. It's the dreaded kitchen sink plot, the bane of first novels.

Seems like you get bored with your successive subplots and keep moving on to bigger more exotic subplots without resolving anything. Individually, each subplot is interesting. Smush them all together like this, it's a mess.


blogless_troll said...The problem with talking unicorns is, in my head, they'd all look and sound like Mr. Ed.


Anonymous said...Hi all, author here. Thanks for your comments!
You're right about the question-spell bit needing to be tightened up; I've already changed it, and eliminated the mention of the character from another world (though she's actually the narrator, and gets mixed up in most everything going on).

I was trying to be concise in my description of the lirolen, but obviously went overboard if people can only picture purple-striped giant kittens. They're actually larger than tigers, very scary, and not at all cute. They talk, have semi-opposable thumbs, and once embarked on religious-genocidal wars that nearly wiped out everyone in the neighborhood (which is why dead unicorn foals on their border is such a big deal: the other lands are afraid it's starting again).

And I did quite a bit of tinkering with the various species, since I'm a zoology major, but found it difficult to work into the query---it tends to alarm people when I start jabbering about mammalian characteristics as applied to griffin ontogeny. Or interesting similarities between ferns and sea serpent reproduction.


whitemouse said...I'm glad I wasn't at work when I read the bit about mythical Australia. I would have been getting many a funny look for all the helpless giggly-snorty noises I was making.

I agree with Phoenix that this sounds like a bunch of stock fantasy elements smooshed together. The writer has put together a pretty clear query letter, so he or she can obviously string words together well, but the story doesn't sound particularly fresh. Making up new species, instead of using standard fantasy elements, would probably help a lot.

I'll just echo Phoenix's statement that the writer needs to find his/her own story to tell. Dig deep; you can find it in yourself to write something completely wild and original. Good luck! :-)


GutterBall said...You know, it's really hard to write fantasy without stepping into Turkey City. I mean, if you use unicorns and centaurs, et al., you're blamed for using the same old creatures. However, if you come up with tiger-like creatures called lirolens, then you're accused of calling a rabbit a smerp. How can you avoid it?

It only gets harder when world-building. Unless you use a completely different basis for currency, you're either accused of lack of imagination for using "money" or of Turkey City lexicon for using coppers or tins or leads or even just plain silver, ol' Judas' curse.

I wish you luck in trying to place this, as the world needs a good fantasy, but I gotta say that you might pick one way or the other -- either create all your races from whole cloth or use ones that already "exist".


phoenix said...Interesting, Author.

Minions, Correct me if I'm wrong, but for genre fiction, it would seem the details that make a story *different* are the very ones necessary to sell it.

Author, by watering down your query, it loses the depth and complexity and difference factors that make it stand out. Why would I pick your story with unicorns and centaurs and wizards over the other 50 in the slush pile with unicorns and centaurs and wizards? Convince me you've built a solid world and have made your characters unique, not stereotypes.

Sporangia-like reproduction of sea serpents may not belong in the query, true, but give me something to make me believe you're not simply regurgitating every fantasy convention out there into this one manuscript.

Your comments here make me think this might be a much better book than the query had me believing.


Anonymous said...Sure, if you're a zoologist it's a cinch to garble things and invent monsters. But for a novel to hang together and keep our interest, plot is the thing. I don't care if you have smerps or rabbits, I won't read 110,000 words about anatomical weirdness. If you want to get my $$ and keep my attention through all those pages you need to be focused on the main characters and their matters to be resolved, not some freaky thumbs.


acd said...I'm glad you replied, Author. This is one of those cases where something you said makes a sucky query suddenly sound like it might belong to a good book.

I know some agents frown on portal stories, but if the Earth Girl is your protag, the query should probably focus on her. It just seems a little bait-and-switch to pretend otherwise. Relatedly, if she's your main character, she'd better solve the problem at the end. She does, right?

The way you describe the plot emphasizes big cats and dead unicorn foals, which is what makes it sound like a little girl's fantasy. Try focusing on the unusual political situation: the lirolens (and yes, we see the "lions" in there) went bananas a few generations ago and now everyone is worried they're doing it again. You might take a minute to hash out the other political stances: wishy-washy centaurs, mercenary dragons, and humans who work magic which I presume is the only way that the other magical beasts haven't already killed them all off.

If you can come up with another name for unicorns, use it. What do they call themselves?


Anonymous said...Wow. Author here again.

I'm kind of adrift on the conflicting opinions---focus on unique aspects of the world and critters, focus on plot, focus on Earth protag (who's a stranger to the world's history), focus on world's interesting history . . .

Also, I think I've made a mistake in not communicating the magical status of my various species---that is, they're no more inherently magical than humans: ten percent of them are born with mage-talent, just as in the human population. I went very biology-based with the critters, so the dragons are about horse-sized and can't breathe fire, the unicorns can't do anything special with their horns but stab people, and so on.

I suppose I'm so used to seeing my unicorns as tough-minded, hierarchical, fiercely herd-protective and culturally insular warriors that I don't even remember what the word "unicorn" usually invokes in people's minds---white, delicate, pretty horse-things into whose manes maidens braid flowers.

No fighting stallion would be caught dead with flowers in his mane, unless he'd just won the victory wreath in the Single Combat competition at the annual Fencing Festival.


Anonymous said...Do you know (yeah, author again), I think I'm going to twist the unicorns---give 'em a short, curved nasal horn as well as the straight forehead horn, and call them tanihorns. Should alleviate the Pretty Pony Syndrome.

Plus, the nasal horn could be useful when fencing with other tanihorns, to catch their forehead horns and try to throw them to the ground. Very useful in herd-rank disputes, I think. Hah!


Anonymous said...Creatures and characters from mythology come with vast baggage. They can be really efficient to use in storytelling because readers already "know" so much about them. If you don't mean the usual thing by "unicorn", find another word or you'll confuse people and invoke the wrong imagery and expectations every time.

I think the author with the King Arthur references a few facelifts ago had the same kind of "no, not like that!" frustration.


Anonymous said...Sounds, author, like you've fallen in love with your ability to create realistically developed species. I hope agents and editors fall in love with your ability to write a good story. Otherwise, maybe you should be writing the Monster Manual XXVII or whatever version they're on now.


Robin L. said...I'm a little confused - although I don't read much fantasy, so take this with a grain of salt.

Didn't Tolkein use both existing mythology (dwarves and elves) and mix in new races (he invented hobbits, right?)

It worked for him. I think the existing races lend credibility, personally.

I think if you do a really good job of world building, all the races or species seem indigenous (sp?) to the world. Right now I'm thinking of Narnia and can't remember if there are any new species that Lewis created - probably because I so bought into his world that they just all exist to me.

That to say, if the writing is good enough, I think it's fine to have Lirolen and Unicorns both.


whitemouse said...Hey, author! The more you tell me about the story - about how you've gone realistic with dragons, unicorns, etc. - the more interested I become.

I think it is the My Pretty Pony syndrome that is doing this query in. When you say "unicorn", "dragon", "centaur", or "girl-from-another-world", I can't help but imagine my prepackaged notion of what those things are.

It sounds like what sets your story apart is your approach to the mythical creatures - you're breaking stereotypes and creating a rich and believable world. Please, try really hard to get that across in the query. That's your book's big strength and if you don't leave the My Pretty Pony perception bleeding on the page, then I think your query will only get auto-rejects from agents.

While it's true that you have to outline the book's main conflicts also, you need the agent to realise that you're doing something new with the old ideas. The original query made the book sound derivative and stale; everything you've said about the story in the comments has made it sound really intriguing.

I do like the suggested name-and-weaponry change for the unicorns. Maybe you could rename the centaurs and dragons too?


blogless_troll said...Is there any kind of racial tension between the unicorns and the centaurs? I would imagine, since they're both mainly horse parts, that the unicorns would look down on the centaurs as being impure. Whereas the centaurs would think the unicorns are a bunch of high-fallootin' ninnies and mock the unicorns for not having arms. Maybe they'd get in the unicorns' faces and, I don't know, juggle something. Even if they didn't have anything to juggle, they could still make the juggling motions with their hands and it would be the equivalent of flipping the bird.

Of course, the lirolen, being cats, would think they're the best, and probably spend a lot of time rolling their eyes and saying, "Stop it! Both of you!"


Evil Editor said...Whereas the centaurs would think the unicorns are a bunch of high-fallootin' ninnies and mock the unicorns for not having arms.

At which point they both look up and see Pegasus soaring through the air, and go slinking back to their miserable lives.


R.J. Anderson said...I hope it's not too late for the author to see this --
There's a classic fantasy novel called The Forgotten Beasts of Eld by Patricia A. McKillip, in which the sorceress heroine searches for an elusive magical bird called the Liralen. As soon as I read "lirolen" in your query, that book jumped into my head.

Dunno whether or not this bothers you, but I thought you might like to know.


writtenwyrdd said...Chiming in late, I have to say that the world elements do sound rather tired to me, as well. I would probably pass on it if the backmatter held what you mention in the query.

However, that doesn't mean this is a lousy book idea. I agree that you need to mention who the pov/protag is, and I would suggest that you have humans have a big stake in fixing this incipient war...otherwise why in heck are they involved? I would really hate it if people (humans) were the big busy bodies that think they are the world police force; But I'd really adore seeing that humans feel at risk if the balloon goes up, because they have a weakening power base (such as their magical ability or their fertility or drought or some such natural disaster has rendered them "at risk.")

I also thought of The Forgotten Beasts of Eld when I read this. And the unicorns and big cats can easily become something much more interesting. Give the cats arms and a marsupial reproductive system and scales, for example; make the unicorns bicorns or six legged beetles. Whatever, but don't cheapen your work by making these characters derivative.

Good luck with it.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Fluke

1. When llamas and zombie cows begin acting strangely, cultists, roaming ostriches, and rival biker gangs are suspected, until one woman exposes the true culprits: parasitic brain-worms from outer space!

2. Deep sea diver Phil Walters is on a mission to discover new forms of sea life. To this end he dives deeper than anyone before. Is the giant grinning worm a result of his low blood oxygen? Or is it . . . a fluke??

3. Bob Johnson's mom blabs the truth about his birth -- he exists because of a defective contraceptive -- and sends him into an episode of depression. Bob breaks up with his girlfriend, starts smoking weed, and changes his college major to philosophy, then art history, then microbiology. Can he find the meaning of life in a petri dish, thanks to . . . the fluke???

4. Ril had a pretty good run of winning continuations at EVIL EDITOR, but grizzled continuator Kate Thornton thinks it was a fluke. When she releases her latest editions she knows no work of ril's will ever see the light of day again.

5. Aided by a homicidal jellyfish, Skipper the Dolphin plans to kidnap the high-flying goody-goody who hijacked his starring role in a new yet-to-be-named TV show about a crime fighting porpoise, forcing the producers to rehire him. Sure, flippers are cute, but if you want to be a star in this town, you gotta kick some fluke.

6. After Captain Ahab's death, what became of his son Fluke? The boy with flipper-like feet is determined to find the great white whale, to avenge his father's death, but Fluke also wants to win the gold in swimming at the upcoming Olympics. Will he find his way through the uncharted waters of his emotions?? And what of the man they call Ishmael???



Original Version

Dear Dream Agent,

Laura is used to picking up after the people in her life. When her charming, feckless husband dies, leaving her with a failing sheep farm and a 14-year old nephew, she sets out to sell the farm [For sale: Failing sheep farm. Complete with nephew.] and get back to the familiar city. She expected rural life to be hard and boring. She didn't expect weird. [Usually it's a sibling who dies leaving you with a nephew and a sheep farm. When your husband dies, you already had the property and nephew. Was she living in the city while her husband and nephew were running the farm?]

First, an unknown, addictive fruit appears in local orchards and her sheep develop a magnetic pull toward a nearby mountain. Her neighbours bring in ostriches, llamas and alpacas, who share the sheep's fascination with Mount Donald. [Actually, it's not Mount Donald the llamas are fascinated with, it's the sheep.] A farm patriarch [Jethro Tull] finds a prophetic tablet and starts a millennial cult. Her nephew can't decide whether to join the cult (the patriarch's grand-daughter is pretty hot) or stay out all night with the astronomy club, looking for strange lights in the sky. An outbreak of cattle mutilations raises fears [Especially among the cattle.] and brings media attention. UFO-watching tourists wander into fields where the unofficial cash crop grows, annoying the local biker gang. [This list is too long. You need to connect some ideas. Plus, when you throw it all into one paragraph it makes the book sound ridiculous rather than comical.]
With every turn, Laura finds herself more enmeshed in the small-town life she meant to escape. Her veterinarian friend Jan and distractingly-rugged biologist Mike involve her in uncovering the source of the uproar. Cultists? Bored teenagers? UFO aliens? Rival biker gangs? Roaming ostriches? Or parasitical brain-worms from outer space? [Let's limit our lists to three items.] Laura thinks she's found the answer (or gone crazy), but now the sheep and llamas have broken down the fences, and reanimated cattle stagger out of their bulldozed grave. They're heading for Mount Donald, [New title suggestion: Close Encounters of the Herd Kind] along with the cult members, the astronomy club, the tourists, the bikers and the lights in the sky. Laura must race her old pickup truck against a spaceship to reach Colin and her friends [Colin and her friends? Who's Colin?] before they hitch a ride with strange aliens.

Fluke is a 60,000 word comic sf novel. I have attended (genre writing workshop), was a finalist in (gimmicky writing contest) and have a story in (new e-zine). Thank you for your time and consideration.

yours,

[EE--the title 'Fluke' refers to the alien brain-worms, who are, yes, what's behind it all. The ostriches have their own agenda.]

Revised Version

Dear Dream Agent,

Sheep farmer Laura Davis expected rural life to be hard and boring; she didn't expect it to be bizarre. So when all the animals in the area develop a magnetic pull toward Mount Donald, and Laura's nephew, Colin, considers joining a new cult, and an outbreak of cattle mutilations brings the media to town, Laura decides it's time to sell the farm and move back to Liverpool.

But soon Laura finds herself more enmeshed than ever in the small-town life she wants to escape. Her veterinarian friend Jan and distractingly-rugged biologist Mike involve her in uncovering the source of the weirdness. Is it the cultists? Bored teenagers? Roaming ostriches?

Everyone's a suspect, until Laura uncovers the true culprits:
Parasitic Brain-Worms from Outer Space!
 
But it may be too late! The sheep and llamas have broken down the fences, and reanimated cattle have staggered out of their bulldozed grave. They're all heading for Mount Donald, along with the cult members, the astronomy club, and local biker gangs. Can Laura's old pickup truck reach Colin before he hitches a ride with space aliens?

Fluke is a 60,000-word comic sf novel that may sound like Close Encounters, but did Close Encounters have zombie cows? Did it have llamas? Did it have . . .
Parasitic Brain-Worms from Outer Space? 
No. So there.

I have attended (genre writing workshop), was a finalist in (gimmicky writing contest) and have a story in (new e-zine). Thank you for your time and consideration.

yours,


Notes
 
Even if you leave out the lights in the sky and everyone being drawn to the mountain, and the pick-up truck/spaceship scene, they're in the book, and some will say it's derivative of . . . that movie. Unless it's intended to be a satire of the movie, perhaps there should be a different strange occurrence, something totally un-derivative, like all the animals have developed an insatiable appetite for human brains.

Not sure why it begins: Laura is used to picking up after the people in her life. It may be true, but the query doesn't make it clear what that means. Also, it sounds like the opening line of a query for a more serious book.

Parasitic Brain-Worms from Outer Space is a much better title than Fluke.


Selected Comments 

Judyinthejungle said...The revised version is one of the best clean-up jobs I've seen. Sounds as if EE is also used to picking up (or cleaning up) after people. Still, if the book sells it'll be a...sorry...fluke! IMHO

Kate Thornton said...Ril, #4 wasn't me, honest! And I'm not grizzled. Oh, wait, maybe I am...

Author, this sounds like it might be a lot of fun in that quirky Bimbos of the Death Sun way.


writtenwyrdd said...This could be an amusing read. I think the humorous elements are great and would love to see this in print. Good luck with it.


pacatrue said...Personally, I think you should talk a lot more about the alpacas. While any alpaca mention gets a lot of ummm Paca Points, any story could only be better with an alpaca as the hero. Perhaps the parasitic brain-worms can trigger super-fast evolution in one of the alpacas, such that he becomes exceedingly intelligent and capable of leaping over small barns.

In fact, I say dump the rugged biologist Mike, and make the Alarmingly Alluring Alpaca the love interest for Laura. A little human / alpaca love could be a bit controversial, I grant, but if Edward Albee can win a Tony award for writing about a relationship with a goat, I don't see why a much handsomer alpaca should be a problem. After all, this is SF. Kirk would have gotten it on with a cute alpaca in no time.

Better yet, hire Aishwarya Rai or Monica Bellucci to play Laura in the movie adaptation and I might, just might, come out of retirement to play opposite her.

P.S. please add lots of love scenes to the story immediately. No need to be coy about any of the details either. If you want to cut out this whole plot thing you have going, and just write a bunch of scenes with the alpaca and Bellucci making out, I don't think it would be a problem. If anyone objects, we'll toss in some explosions and a car chase through San Francisco. Hollywood will love it.


blogless_troll said...I realize it might take away the mystery, but you might consider changing the title to Parasitic Brain-Worms from Outer Space! It's impossible to read that without hearing a woman scream to the accompaniment of pulsing string instruments.


Phoenix said...I laughed my way through the Guess the Plots. It was only when I was done that I did a double-take and realized one of them had to be real! This was the first time I didn't have a clue which one was the real one.

Considering your market, author, that's a compliment.

I, too, think "Parasitic Brain-Worms From Outer Space" is a much better title. Then, in all your marketing, you can call the book sort of a "Close Encounters of the Herd Kind" and pay EE a percentage of your marketing dollars for using it. Win-win, with the best of both titles covered.

Could be a fun read if the writing is tight and right, as others pointed out...


bunnygirl said...If done with the right touch, this could be hilarious. The plot of a Tom Robbins novel is no less sane, but he makes it work.

batgirl said...EE, you are a miracle worker! I'm only slightly disappointed that you didn't give more space to the reanimated cattle, but that may have been modesty, since you did inspire their addition to the plot.

Paca, the alpaca does have a major role, and gets the last word.

I'm going to sound really clueless now, and admit I never thought of Close Encounters parallels, probably because I've never seen the movie. Or ET, either. My model was more the b/w films by Jack Arnold, like It Came From Outer Space, Monolith Monsters, Tarantula, and so on.


GutterBall said...Ahem. Author, the story could be hilarious, but I'm afraid that it can never be as hilarious as the commentary it will draw. But since that's what'll sell it, you may just have something. Good luck!


Anonymous said...I'm looking forward to the hollywood treatment. It'll be set in Wyoming, starring Samuel L. Jackson. The logline will be:

Parasitic Brain Worms on a motherf***in' plain!

Novel Ideas

Looking for an idea for your next novel? These ideas, which appeared here as fake plots in past years, sound like they might actually be winners. One to a customer, please. Reserve the one you want in the comments so we don't have several people writing the same one.


1.

2.
[image error]
3.

4.
 
5.

6.

7.

8.

Face-Lift 1116

Guess the Plot

Thicker Than Blood

1. Two vampires undertake an experiment in their night school science class to discover what is thicker than blood. Answer: custard.

2. Marie loves Guy, but he loves her sister Valerie who loves Guy's sister Cecilie. Plus a one-legged grasshopper cook and a geneologist obsessed with the letter M.

3. When Merlinia G. Wetzelsperger's budget vegan blood mix begins producing unstable gloopy results, lawyers demand a rewrite of the powder/water ratio instructions.

4. There's a new substance on Planet Zera-Phor, a sludge called Pheron, and it's ruining everything. The waste product of alien breeding rituals, Pheron poisons wells, kills plants, and sticks to your shoes like gum. When the protagonist learns one of his parents created him out of Pheron, will he believe that it's...Thicker Than Blood?

5. Tar. Glycerol. Gorilla Glue. There are many thick substances out there, but none that can bind certifiable maniacs together like blood. Also, a soothsayer grandfather.

6. Jillian must confront the Ashkum--Alderi's feared council of elders--to rescue her dearest friend Elia from execution. What she doesn't know? Elia's guilty, and her sacrifice is a set-up.

7. The empress has been kidnapped, and civil war is imminent. Two estranged brothers decide to work together to find her, because blood is thicker than water. But will they discover something else is . . . thicker than blood? Also, a nuclear knife.




Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Thicker Than Bloodis an adventure fantasy novel about a kidnapped empress, an ancient knife and a long-lost brother.
The kidnapping of the Empress has thrown the Empire into turmoil. Jack is a thief who has been commissioned, by an unknown patron, to steal a treasure from the palace in her absence, a knife with the power to destroy whatever it touches. [Including the person who steals it?] [Including the display case in which it rests?] [Presumably not, so I'm guessing it destroys what it touches only when its wielder wills it to do so? So if I walk up to some guy I want to kill, I only have to touch him with this knife, whereas if I had a normal knife I would have to touch him harder. That would make him somewhat easier to kill, although when you approach someone while holding a knife, he's going to try to avoid being touched by it whether it's a magic knife or a steak knife. Also, if he has a sword and sees you approaching with a knife, I don't like your chances no matter which kind of knife it is. Especially if his sword has the power to destroy whatever it touches.] [If I touch a tree with the knife, does it crumble into dust? Disappear? Just fall over? Also, if I touch a castle with the knife, does the whole castle get destroyed, or just the one stone block I touched? You can see why I ask. If you want to destroy one floorboard of your castle because it creaks, the knife would come in handy unless it destroyed your whole castle. But if you want to destroy your enemy's whole castle, you don't want to have to walk around touching every brick and board and flagpole, because they'll notice what you're doing and send out archers.] Along the way he comes into contact with his older brother, a sometime lover of the Empress, whom Jack has spent half his life avoiding. As they are forced to work together for the first time in fifteen years, Jack has to confront the tensions that drove him from his home and discover whether they lie between the brothers or only within himself. [Do they have to work together? If they split up they have twice as much chance of finding the empress.]
Meanwhile, tension is mounting in the royal palace. Long-established factions, held in check by the Empress, are gaining power in her absence and there are whispers of civil war. Rajel, a young, newly-arrived prince from the Southlands, attempts to navigate the complex palace politics while concealing his own identity. [Not clear why Rajel is important enough to be in the query. Dump him or make it clear.]
Time is running out in the search for the Empress, and she is not the only one in danger. Jack has to choose between helping his brother find her and fulfilling his commission to steal the knife before it falls into the hands of evildoers. [How does he know the "unknown patron" who commissioned him isn't an evildoer? If there are evildoers in the palace, they already have the knife. If they aren't in the palace, why is the knife safer with Jack or the patron than it is in the palace?]
Complete at 110,000 words, Thicker Than Blood explores the relationships between family and identity, ambition and loyalty, ideals and duty. It is intended for an adult audience of fantasy lovers.
I have enclosed the first chapter, and the manuscript is available at your request. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,


Notes

If there's any risk of the knife falling into the wrong hands, why not destroy it or throw it to the bottom of the ocean? It's not good for only one side to have a weapon that can destroy anything.

Can you throw in an example or two of things the good guys have destroyed with the knife?

I assume the whole army is out looking for the empress. Why should these two brothers have any luck?

If your summary shows the themes, there's no need to point them out

It's best if you can show the knife is connected with the empress's rescue. It sounds like a subplot. Do they need the knife to rescue her? Does protecting the knife do anything to reduce the chance of civil war?

Setup: The empress has been kidnapped and two estranged brothers agree to work together to rescue her. But first they must get the Knife of Endor because they need it to destroy everything standing between them and her. Now what  happens? What goes wrong? Who betrays them or tries to stop them? What's the plan? Tell us the story. Make us want to read it.

Face-Lift 1115

Guess the Plot

Just One of the Boys

1. Tomboy Gena has always struggled with identity issues, but now he's certain to cause a stir after gender-reassignment. How will folks react when Geno is...Just One of the Boys?

2. Foundation: Check. Mascara: Check. Corset: Check. Fishnets: Check. And--oh yeah, chihuahua in the purse. Yep, Mike's ready for a night with the boys.

3. Kate's best friend Meredith blabs Kate's secrets to the cool girls, so Kate starts hanging out with the boys. Then the cool girls discover boys and want to use Kate as an in to the boys' group. Now Kate must decide: use this opportunity to become one of the girls, or remain . . . just one of the boys.

4. When Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday and Bat Masterson ride into the little town of Misery in search of a killer, 16 year old Belle is desperate to join them. Will cutting her hair, wearing her Pa's clothes and carrying a gun convince them that she's-- just one of the boys?

5. A lonely housewife disguises herself as an overweight, obnoxious executive in order to spend more time with her husband at the office. But what secrets will she uncover when her husband thinks she's...Just One of the Boys?

6. When a dragon wakes from his thousand-year nap, he finds a boarding school built over his lair. Roaming the dorms for sustenance, he discovers a deep love for the works of Goethe and an allergy to tweed.

7. Fifteen-year-old Patricia is a horse-loving tomboy. Her twin brother Patrick loves playing piano. When their parents head to Tuscany for the summer, the twins swap plans. He goes to Piano Camp in NYC. She goes to Boy Scout Horse Camp in Wyoming. Does she know Horse Camp has a communal shower room?

8. Psychologist Mandy Smith thinks she knows every manipulative, narcissistic trick used by patients to deceive therapists. Until she starts counseling a Sex Addicts Anonymous group. To better understand her new clients, Mandy hits the bar scene, undercover and transgender.

9. Philippa's always acted like one of the boys alongside her 9 brothers. But when she decides to get in touch with her feminine side, can she grow out her crew cut in time for the junior prom?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor/ Agent,


I’d like you to consider my tween romance, Just One of the Boys.


Fourteen year old Kate’s so-called best friend Meredith has just blabbed all of her secrets to the cool girls, in hopes of joining their group. [Welcome to our clique. We've been wanting to add a new member, preferably one who blabs her friends' secrets.] [I'd get rid of "so-called" and just put quotation marks around "best friend."] [Also, could readers think Meredith blabbed her own secrets rather than Kate's secrets? Probably not, though technically, you'd write the sentence the same if it were Meredith's secrets, so maybe you should say "Kate's secrets."] Devastated that their friendship seems to be so cheap, Kate instead reconnects with her childhood friend, Aaron, and hangs with him and his buddies instead. [Neither "instead" is needed.]


She doesn’t mind talking football and cars, [Do boys care about cars before they're old enough to drive?] and actually enjoys jamming heavy metal riffs with them. But she has to dress down in order for them to stop trying for her attention. [Not clear what that means, partly because what 14-year-old doesn't want attention?] She gradually gets to know the brooding Brandon, whose home life is terrible, and finds herself falling for him. But he sees her as ‘one of the boys’. Together, they write a song for a competition, and Kate uses the lyrics to express her feelings for him. He loves the song and reveals that he will dedicate it to Meredith, whom he loves from afar. [Kate's mistake was calling the song "Meredith My Love." If she'd named it "Eleanor My Love, no prob. Or she could have put the names Brandon and Kate in the lyrics a la "Jack and Diane," "Frankie and Johnnie," "The Ballad of Bonnie and Clyde."]


Kate needs to figure how to get him to believe exactly how mean Meredith really is. [Without just telling him?] In the meantime, the cool girls (including Meredith) start to be nice to her – probably to get to know the boys. Her impulse is to ignore them, but it gives her an opportunity to stop being one of the boys, even though she really prefers their company. [So what's her dilemma? Sounds like she can just keep hanging with the boys or she can become a cool girl and still hang with the boys, since the cool girls apparently want to hang with the boys. Do both sides of the decision have a major disadvantage?]


This is a story about being yourself, even when the consequences are hard; [I missed that part. Kate's only hard consequence was losing a friendship with someone who wasn't much of a friend anyway. But that wasn't a consequence of being herself; it was a consequence of Meredith being mean.] [Actually, it's a story about how boys make better friends than girls, but don't mention that, as girls are your audience.] about fitting-in and friendship and loyalty and about identity in the ever-changing world of the adolescent.


My contact details are as follows.......






Notes


This is pretty wordy. The fewer words you use to make a point, the more room you have to provide additional information.


It's also mainly setup.If you can squeeze the setup into one paragraph, something like:


When 14-year-old Kate is betrayed by her best friend Meredith, she starts hanging out with her childhood friend Aaron and his buddies. She gets to know Brandon, and together they write a song for a contest. The problem: Kate's lyrics express her romantic feelings for Brandon, but he wants to dedicate the song to his secret crush . . . Meredith!


. . . you'll have plenty of room to tell us how Kate attempts to win Brandon over, what goes wrong, what brings the whole situation to a boil.

Wanted...

Fake plots are needed for the lonely title waiting in the query queue.