Evil Editor's Blog, page 139

Feedback Request

The lull in query submissions slogs into yet another week, like the war in Afghanistan on steroids. Below is a revised query; the original is here.


Seventeen year old Gwyn has been playing the part of human for so long, she has denied who and what she really is, an immortal gryphon, but with immortality comes responsibility, a predestined guardianship that will consume her like fire.

Gwyn is absorbed by her love Nolan, a dhampir who's troubled family life has destructive effects on their relationship.  Distractions begin to bombard her from all angles when her life is filled with strangers who all seem to know something she does not.  One of these strangers has an uncanny interest in Gwyn's necklace, trying to steal it. Her new neighbor, Brandt, has an uncanny interest in herself. Gwyn's frustrations and confusion crescendos until she finds out her guardianship is to begin, decades before any other gryphon in history.

Every five hundred years the Phoenix is reborn, a new body, a new soul, and in need of a new guardian. Gwyn has obsessed over her red opal necklace, a strange gem she received from her parents on her sixteenth birthday. She never suspected it was the actual egg from which the Phoenix would hatch.

Gwyn's focus must pin point to deciding to accept her guardianship or allowing another to have her destiny, leaving Gwyn an aimless future.  For the first time, Gwyn does not have the luxury of time because in an innocent attempt to prove her love to Nolan, she gave him her precious necklace.  Now the Phoenix is in the household of an evil vampire.  As an egg, the Phoenix is vulnerable to true death. True death will begin an unending solar eclipse, allowing vampires to hunt day and night.  Gwyn must save the Phoenix before she even accepts her guardianship, or she will not have a chance to decide because the chaos of the night will engulf the world.

Guardian of the Phoenix is complete at 59,000 words and fits into the Paranormal Young Adult genre. Thank you for your time. I have a full manuscript available should you be interested.  This novel can stand alone, but has potential to become a series. I am currently working on the second novel which features a new main character.

Sincerely...

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Unholy Alliance

1. A minister, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. Hilarity ensues.

2. Geraldo Rivera refuses to give up his obsessive quest to expose The Pope and Osama Bin Laden as Friday night drinking buddies.

3. In the year 2017, amid an ongoing world war between Christians, Jews, and Muslims, Athiests unite in a fourth political bloc which is quickly labeled as "godless" by the other three.

4. Nik has a highly enhanced sense of smell, but will that help him when the Archpriest of the Church of Vordis contracts to have him killed?

5. Father Michael O'Malley learns what defrocking is all about with Sister Perpetua out behind the sacristy.

6. Portia Peebles' 1984 Renault Alliance, 'Chuck', is possessed by the Devil. Will a conjugal visit with Stephen King's 'Christine' put him back on the road?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Seventeen-year-old Nik is a thief blessed with an almost magical sense of smell. Abandoned by his mother as an infant, he is raised by a society of thieves, the only family he's ever known. After a theft gone wrong, Nik is barred from his home, desperately trying to steal enough to re-enter the society’s good graces. [I see where this is going already: he gives up his life of lawlessness and becomes a superhero, sniffing out criminals as . . . The Proboscis! Muzzle Man? Schnozzola? Captain Olfactory? Wait, I've got it: Odor Eater!] But his crèche brothers, jealous of his abilities, do everything they can to prevent his return. [Jealous of his abilities? His abilities are a curse! Who wants to live in a community house with a bunch of reeking thieves when you have a nose like an anteater's? The guy on the other side of the room farts, and it's like the wind just shifted your way from the hog farm next door.]

As the days go by with little success, [In my experience, days always succeed in going by.] Nik takes a gamble. Ignoring the warning of his senses, he steals a large sack of gold from a temple guard. The guard, disguised as a courier, is delivering the payment for a political assassination ordered by the Archpriest of the Church of Vordis, the most powerful man in Arosa. A damning note enclosed with the gold causes the Archpriest to put a price on Nik's head and suddenly the family he trusted is now trying to kill him. [Fortunately, he can smell them coming from a mile away, for he is . . . The Snout. What kind of costume would The Snout wear? Would he look like a giant nose with legs? A normal guy with a huge beak? Maybe he'd have several elephant trunks emanating from his head in all directions, not real elephant trunks, but scientifically designed trunks that enhance his ability to smell anything in a three mile radius.]

In an effort to unravel the note's meaning and discover why he's been forced into hiding, he enlists the help of Beth, a fifteen-year-old prostitute. [Not the person I would enlist in such a quest, but perhaps he feels she'll be good to have along now and then. It's not easy finding a girlfriend when you've got a half-dozen elephant trunks sticking out of your head.] Together, they unwittingly become involved in an 'Unholy Alliance' between the Archpriest and the leader of an opposing nation intent on invading not only his home city of Lanberg, but the entire country of Arosa. [I highly suggest you change the name from Lanberg, Arosa to Limburger, Aroma, just to maintain the sense of smell theme.] [Also, I'm not sure their involvement should be called unwitting, when they were specifically trying to find out what was going on.] The more Nik tries to extricate himself from danger, the more he becomes involved, pulled in by the lure of discovering his parent’s [parents'] identity and the reason he was abandoned. [What makes him think his parents' identity has anything to do with the current situation?] Soon it seems the fate of the entire country rests upon the shoulders of a thief who’s little more than a boy. [Shoulders? You've totally lost track of your theme. The country's fate rests in Nik's nostrils.]

My 100,000 word fantasy novel, Unholy Alliance, is the first in a trilogy titled, Covenant of Lies. [In book 2, we meet a hero whose sense of taste is so highly developed, he has taste buds on all of his skin. Known as The Tongue, he's quite popular with the ladies.] [Book 3 features Touchy-Feelie, the superhero whose sense of touch is so powerful she screams out in pain whenever dust particles land on her skin. She's no good at fighting crime, but she adds comic relief when she teams up with The Snout and The Tongue.]

I have stories appearing in the anthologies, The Stygian Soul, Chimeraworld #2 and F/SF, as well as the upcoming anthology, A Firestorm of Dragons. I’m also a contributing author for The Complete Guide to Writing Fantasy, and the upcoming, The Complete Guide to Writing Science Fiction, due to be released early 2007, features Piers Anthony and Orson Scott Card among others. Both are Dragon Moon Press publications.

The complete manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

Outside of a couple minor points, it reads well. More about the Archpriest's plot and Nik's parents' involvement could replace the prostitute, who doesn't do much of anything in the query. Also, I'm sure the super sniffer comes into play in the book, but it does nothing in the query, so I think I'd leave it out. It sounds a bit silly.

You might want to stick in something about when and where this takes place fairly early so the reader knows what kind of book he's dealing with.


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...If Nik's magical sense of smell is central to the story, the you need to bring this out more in the query. As it stands now, it's hardly mentioned, so I'd agree with EE and leave it out entirely.

If you haven't read it already, I suggest you put "Perfume" by Patrick Suskind on your list. Incredible story based on a similar premise (or maybe not so similar).


Michele Lee said...My husband has an excellent sense of smell and it is no bit of magic. Sure he can sniff us out in a store, but he also has lots of sinus problems and one not so fresh smelling person nearby can make him unable to eat. I can tell you right now if this is all pro and no con I'm not going to buy it one little bit.

JTC said...This is a good attempt to come up with something original (or at least something that's not beat into plowshares like Dragon Swords). It seems that the more original the idea, the tougher it is to write. I would say don't drop the idea, just listen to the advice you'll get from the minions and keep working on it.


Tiffan said...Short of working as a bomb detector, I honestly can't think of any situation where super-smell would actually be useful. And dogs are probably cheaper.

Dave said...Shostokovich wrote an Opera (yes my dear philistines, a whole Opera) based a short story by Gogol titled NOS (It translates to English as THE NOSE).

It is the story of a man who loses his nose at a barber shop and sets out to find it. He tries to place an ad in a newspaper but is thwarted. Then he goes to the government office where the clerks mock him for losing his nose. He also confronts his girlfriend who merely laughs at him. His nose makes an appearance as a fat man at a RR station just to mock him. In the end, he finds that his nose is back on his face.

The opera has a very famous five minute long percussion interlude (one of the very few solos for percussion)...


JTC said...Dave, You may be thinking of Iron Butterfly's Inna-godda-davida.

whitemouse said...Terry Pratchett has a character in his Small Gods book named Vorbis, who is a murderous Archdeacon. You might consider changing the name of your church, since a lot of people, particularly fantasy fans, read the great Pratchett.

This does sound like a different sort of fantasy, and I'd be intrigued enough to give it a fair shot if I were standing in a book store. Good luck with it!

I know someone who has a well-developed sense of smell. She says there is no up-side to having a super-sensitive schnoz.


shelby said...Okay, the sense of smell thing is just bizarre and I agree with the others that it seems to be more a curse than a gift. Potential jobs: wine taster? Methane detector? I'm just not feeling the love here.
Second, why was Nik abandoned? Surely it wasn't for his superior sense of smell--how would someone know he had this until he could talk?

Not a bad idea, but the smell thing just doesn't make any sense.


Michele Acker said...I've read Perfume. Great book! And yes his sense of smell is important, and while it does help in some instances, it also is a major hindrance.

Thanks for the comments.


writtenwyrdd said...EE you outdid yourself in your comments on this one! ROFL!

I'll argue that a strong sense of smell can work in the book. However, I would suggest that the strongest sensory perception will affect the personality. Look at dogs, scent hounds specifically, and how they react to the world. Anything with strong odor, no matter how repulsive to us, is yummy to them. Dogs will roll in a dead deer carcass and be confused when mom and dad get upset and immediately give him a bath.

So...is your character's life affected by being the Odor Eater; and, if so, how?

EE is the expert, so when he says to omit mention of the smell-o-vision power, perhaps do so. Me, though, I think you should leave it in.


Anonymous said..."A damning note enclosed with the gold causes the Archpriest to put a price on Nik's head and suddenly the family he trusted is now trying to kill him." Why is that priest hiring thieves to kill someone? Isn't it better to get a mercenary to do the job? Also, if Nik's such a good thief, then how does the priest know who to kill? If he did it well, no one knows he's the one that has the gold. You better have a good reason to bring in the prostitute. For one, you can be in all sorts of legal trouble with underaged prostitution, but storywise it doesn't make sense. What has she got to offer him to help him in his quest?

barbara said...One of Spider Robinson's sf novels involved people with a super-developed sense of smell. I believe this information was carefully omitted from the back cover copy and the fly-leaf excerpt. Trying to remember the title ... Telempath?

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Forever for Ransom

1. The playboy son of a billionaire is kidnapped, but daddy won't pay up, so the boy convinces his captors to start a ballad-driven soft rock band.

2. She's back! In this, the seventh book of the series, nosy parker Miss Amelia Pettipants is on the trail of Doctor Whatsis as he threatens the entire village of Boring-on-end with his time machine.

3. It can take a long time to raise twenty million dollars. Kidnapper Mitchell Beinhardt knows that. Plus it's really not that hard taking care of Paris Hilton's chihuahua. So he sets a ransom deadline of, like, whenever.

4. In a world where the few who control the time-travel mechanisms known as The Portals hold the power, computer nerd Teren Blanden must travel into the past and kidnap Ian Flass, whose lab accident created the first of The Portals. The future rests in the hands of a geek and the mind of an opportunist.

5. One man escapes the enslavement of the ruthless vigilante sorcerers--but will his soul be the price of vengeance?

6. Calipygia Jackson has been kidnapped seven times, and each time her husband has paid the ransom and gotten her back. But now a pretty widow has moved next door . . . and the ransom note has mysteriously disappeared.


Original Version

Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation for my 120,000 word fantasy novel, Forever for Ransom.

The past holds us all to ransom, and for Arithein, the price is steeped in blood. With one word, he permitted magicians to enslave thousands. Thousands - including his son, Orim. Duty now demands he repeat that sin, and condemn innocent and guilty alike to a death without end. [Death without end sounds bad, but unless they come back as a vampire or a zombie, everyone's death is without end.] Treachery comes from within though, and murder by any other name cuts as deep. [I have no idea what you're talking about. It feels like a bunch of phrases that sound okay separately, but have little substance when combined.]

Orim however was never the heir of the man he called father. Torn from himself, [No idea what that phrase means, but it sounds painful.] he escapes into a world he no longer knows. Forbidden magic pulls him to Yara, the one person who possesses both the will to save him and the power to destroy him; the only person more wanted by the magicians than Orim himself.

Confession by confession, Yara leads Orim toward vengeance, against magic, against heaven, and against the man whose betrayal destroyed him. What neither knows is that murder will revive the spell on Orim's head, [Whose murder? What spell?] silencing him forever. [Also known as muteness without end.] Hatred has its weakness though, hidden in the blood that binds Yara to Orim ... father to son. Enemies are closing, faith is dying, and Orim has only one currency left with which to bargain: his soul. [This sounds like the voice-over at the beginning of Lord of the Rings, but with no visuals to ground us, very little concrete plot, and no Cate Blanchett to make it sound ominous and edgy, rather than wildly overdone. It would probably be expensive, but a worthy investment if you could get Ms. Blanchett to produce an audio version of the query, which you could then submit to agents and editors. Two or three takes should do it, which would take her ten minutes. I doubt she'd gouge you for more than half a million if you also throw in a signed copy of the book.] [Audio queries are the next big thing. What editor could resist a query voiced by James Earl Jones or Morgan Freeman or Kristin Chenoweth?] [Or, for that matter, Evil Editor. I did both voices on this film, and either of them would sell a manuscript that normally wouldn't get past a grade-school slush reader:



Call me for pricing.]

My short stories have appeared in FlashSpec Volume 1 and Antipodean SF. Based on a three chapter sample, Forever for Ransom was short-listed for the 2006 Conjure Pitches Competition. I am currently working on the sequel, Paid in Silence. [I was going to reject this until I heard the title of the sequel. I'm now ready to publish this book just so I get first crack at Paid in Silence.]

I would be happy to send a partial and/or synopsis as suits you. I enclose an SASE for your convenience. Thank you for your time.

Yours sincerely, etc.


Notes

Either I'm in a drug-induced stupor, or you were when you wrote this. I say scrap it all and start over. Just tell me what happens in the book, and not in the voice of Orim or Arithein or Yara or Cate Blanchett, but as if you were talking to me, at a table in ________ (restaurant chain owners, contact me for pricing on having your company's name placed in the blank).


Selected Comments

pacatrue said...Yeah, I was completely lost too. I read it again and got some inklings.

Orim's the main character, right? So let's start with him instead of the dad - or fake dad, or real dad who Orin won't inherit from or something. So then Orim escapes. Let us know why he is escaping or what he is escaping from. Is he working in a coal mine and can't take it anymore? Walking around with sorcery-laden chains? Or does he just feel something isn't right?

So now he is in some world he doesn't know. OK, this is confusing, because we don't know where he was. I'm going to go with him pulling carts through 4 foot coal mine shafts while pregnant. Hey, it's a fantasy novel, so why not. Now he's up in the sunlit world, but he doesn't know what the heck a "bloop" is anymore or how to do the elbow greeting with the cute barmaid.

But some dark magic draws him to someone named Yara. Is Yara going to be a love interest or a 400 year old dark sorcerer with a gray beard? Or a 400 year old gray-bearded love interest? And since we still don't where he was or if he's being chased, we have no idea what it was like to be drawn to Yara. Moreover, we don't know why someone, the bad magicians, want Orim or Yara. I know Orim's the son of someone big, but the world's fate never hung on Roger Clinton (former President's brother) since he didn't do anything. Orim must be a mighty magician as well?

Now, our hottie gray beard Yara convinces Orim he needs vengeance on... someone. On his non-dad, I think. But Orim might have to trade his soul for... his dad? To save Yara? To save the world? To finally get a date with that hot barmaid in chapter 3?

I think you see where I am lost. So my rec is to start with Orim, say what his situation is, say what he escapes to, tell us who helps him, and then explain what he is fighting against. In a cool way. I guess the problem now is that, other than names, this query letter could describe a hundred different novels. It could be a story of the 17 year old farm boy who is annointed by prophecy. It could be a dark urban fantasy with psionic blasters running around and a brooding Highlander sorcerer in a trench coat. I don't know. If the latter, I highly recommend skipping to his model girlfriend in the loft apartment. That's always the good part.


Anonymous said...I'm sorry, but I couldn't follow this at all, and high fantasy is my genre. Just give us the plot without trying to sound mysterious and sage.

I did love "confession by confession", though.

Good luck! It sounds like an interesting plot underneath it all.


Wonderwood said...I'm just glad I wasn't the only one that didn't know what the hell was going on. A lot of dramatic sounding phrases that told me practically nothing about the plot.

"Treachery comes from within though, and murder by any other name cuts as deep." This sounds cool, but I have no idea what it means.

More substance, please.


acd said...It's been too long since we saw any ruthless vigilante sorcerers. On a related note, I may never get tired of reading about the exploits of Miss Amelia Pettipants.


Anonymous said...The tone of the query reminds me greatly of the idea known as (roll of drums here) Purple Prose!!!!

I like the title though. Change the plot to #6 and I'd consider -- well, dunno about reading it, but perhaps skimming the Cliffs notes.


HawkOwl said...Damn. I wanted to read #3. For the real query, I agree with EE: it's just a bunch of big words loosely arranged into sentences. And it sounds so stereotypical of fantasy, I would dread to read the book itself.


writtenwyrdd said...I was hoping it was #4. That was a great hook!

Author, maybe it is just me, but saying you were short listed in a pitch contest might come across like telling an agent or editor he/she is stupid if they don't like your pitch.

Other than that, I can't comment on the plot much, because I am confused. Mr. Evil has commented succinctly on this, and I agree: Scrap this letter.

Also, the 120K word limit might scare off representation, from all I hear. Unless your book is so good they can't put it down, you might want to pare it some.

the basic idea is intersting, but as a matter of personal taste, I generally don't like hate-filled revenge-seeking protagonists. Have you ever read the Ill-Earth Chronicles starring one Thomas Covenant? He's the ultimate anti-hero of the type I refer to. My sort of point being that I don't know that the writing market has too many of these sorts of characters these days.


Nancy said...I read fantasy (and trying to write one), and I agree that I had no idea what was going on here.

Go with what pacatrue and others have said - start with Orim and tell us about the plot. Orim is such-and-such (a wizard or whatever), he escapes from his terrible situation (describe the situation)...you get the idea. Explain why he's drawn to Yara (and who the heck she is, too, so we can keep track).

No doubt you've got a plot to this, but it's not showing itself here (and I know queries are hard!). Get back to the basics without all the big words or the ominous signs or whatever.

Maybe something along the lines of Character A (your main character) is in some sort of trouble, runs away from the situation and into Character B, they take some action(s), and it all ends good (or bad).

Good luck!


jfk said...Sigh. Ruthless vigilante sorcerers. I really left myself open there :)

Yep, I'm going to own up to this. And I take the point: it's all good, except the part with words in. No worries; I'd rather find out now than in a form rejection letter.

Love the GTPs (for one thing, the RVSs alerted me to the fact that I was about to get a much-needed shredding. As soon as I post this, I'm going to go and read Lukeman's chapter on melodrama again).

Orim is the main character, but I have some doubts about how much I should emphasise that in the query, since none of the early chapters are in his POV. Why? Because, much like this query, they would make no sense (I've tried, and I couldn't follow it myself); he has absolutely no memory of anything. So if anyone has any thoughts on this point, I'd really appreciate them.

And seriously, thanks. I had one valuable lesson knocked into me when someone read this story; now I've got another one to add to it :)

P.S. EE, I promise, if I was in a restaurant with you, I'd find something better to talk about than this (paint drying, perhaps). Either that, or I'd share the drugs first.


Anonymous said...I'd suggest simply going back and rewriting a short synopsis in plain English, short sentences, no mangled metaphors (or ANY metaphors for that matter). Plain, declarative, boring instruction-manual English.

THEN you can purple it up a little, but not as much as you have here.


Zombie Deathfish said...This was very confusing. I had no idea who the characters were or what they were doing - everything seemed very vague and unrelated. You need to put in some hard details about what happens and to who (or whom) rather than offer us a rambling, distant overview.


Anonymous said...To be honest, you come across as so in love with your own deep, meaningful phrases and metaphors (purple prose indeed) that you've pretty much forgotten to describe the story. The query is where you wow them with the substance of your idea, not your poetic way with words--that's what the partial/full is for. Although really, if I picked it up in the store and saw phrasing like this, I'd put it right back down. Writing like this makes me roll my eyes.

Also, "Hatred has its weakness though, hidden in the blood that binds Yara to Orim ... father to son." does this mean that Yara is actually Orim's father and not that other guy? Very confusing.


pacatrue said...jfk, if the A-named dad is important, maybe you could try focusing the query on Orim and him. So, tell us what A guy did and it's impact on Orim. Then, proceed to tell us of Orim's adventures and precisely how they relate to A. I'd love to see the conclusion be something which changes Orim's and A's fate. This is all assuming, of course, that A remains a pivotal character through-out the book. If A doesn't participate in the climax of the novel and is only important because of the impact on Orim, then he really sounds like background. Not knowing important and extensive background right off the bat should be OK if written well. After all, in the actual Ring books, we don't find out what's up with this while ring thing and its history until pretty far in (despite the add-on in the movie).

The point? A great story of two important characters, with Orim as the slightly leading one, sounds great, so maybe you can use that as a frame for the query letter.


JTC said...I think most people can write stories better than query letters. I hope the author of this query is one of those people.


jfk said...I'll let the minions decide that one. The beginning is somewhere in EE's archives. Although in light of this exercise, I've realised the story started too early anyway.

Caption Challenge

As those of you who read EE's tweets are aware, a series of "Big-headed Alien Cartoons" has begun. If it's to continue, new captions will be needed for this cartoon:


The drawing can be altered so that EE is speaking or so that both characters speak. Submit as comments.

Feedback Request

Here's another revision of a recent query (there's one just below it), which I'm posting here rather than in the comments because I have no first-run queries to post here because apparently everyone's query is so perfect they don't need help with it. The original version is here.


Dear EE

Jovan was seven years old the first time his uncle poisoned him.

In some societies, poison tasters are slaves, unskilled and expendable. In Silasta’s high society, they are experts who have secretly protected the city’s rulers for generations. Jovan, whose anxiety and compulsions made him an outsider among his peers, found order and peace in his uncle’s intensive tutelage in their family art of poison proofing, and an unlikely friend in the Heir, Tain. Raised to value honour above all else, Jovan was prepared for the day when he would take up the role of proofer and put another person’s life before his with every meal. Or so he thought.

Jovan’s carefully managed world falls apart when his uncle fails to detect a poison and dies alongside the ruler. Days later, the under-garrisoned city is attacked by Silasta’s indigenous people, the darfri. It’s no coincidence: someone orchestrated both the poisoning and the siege, and evidence suggests one of the city’s Councillors. Duty and friendship compel Jovan to protect Tain, but the traitor is armed with a poison outside Jovan's extensive knowledge, and Tain is struggling to adjust to the new dynamics of their relationship. It seems only a matter of time before the poisoner strikes again, or the city falls.

Investigating the secretive Councillors, Jovan meets a darfri woman who challenges his views about the city, and his place in it. He discovers an ugly truth about Silasta: the darfri have been systematically excluded from schools and Guilds, and forced into servitude, poverty and effective slavery. Jovan must find a way to balance the fate of the city he has always loved--and the life of his only real friend--with his sympathies for the rebellion. Finding the traitor becomes more than just preserving his life and honour, but his chance for a future he never knew he wanted.

PROOF is a 120,000 word novel combining elements of fantasy and suspense.

Thank you for your consideration.

Hannah's Tweets

You may have noticed the link to the Hannah Rogers Literary Agency in the sidebar. A few people have submitted entire queries to Hannah Rogers. In some cases these are people who've read the entire site and decided that Hannah is the agent for them. Which is sad. In other cases these are people who are submitting to every lit agent site they can find and don't even look at the site. Which is annoying.

To reduce my exposure to heartbreak and annoyance, I've asked Hannah to make it a bit more difficult to submit to her, so possibly she won't be tweeting anymore. But she's granted me permission to post some of her tweets, which consist of an author's first sentence and Hannah's two cents. Perhaps an agent's point of view will prove instructional to those minions who don't see how anyone can reject a manuscript after reading only one sentence.



If days were trains, this one would have been lying at the bottom of a ravine. (K) If openings were logs, that one would be in my fireplace.

It's over. (P) For once I can say this with certainty: you're starting in the wrong place. 

Armageddon began with a cup of coffee. (DJC) I had forgotten Starbucks prime directive: If Satan comes in, serve him decaf.

It was a stately room. (Anon.) Specifically, it was shaped like Colorado.

I stopped dead in my tracks the moment I saw him. (D) No one had told me Evil Editor would be attending my sweet sixteen slumber party.

The day I learned my twin sister was a vampire, I was shocked. (JR) Then it hit me: finally, I had an excuse to put a stake thru her heart.

I could not believe it. (anon.) So you wrote a novel about it, and you'll be highly offended if I say, "Sorry, didn't find it believable."

The big Dutch boy wanted to fight about the ship's name again. (SM) We showed him the name, printed on the stern. That settled that.

He was a man of terror and reveled in his ability to cause fear. (JD) But he was the most famous editor in the world, so we had to take it.

"Tell me you're kidding." (DJC) "Nope, I've got you a seven-figure contract and I sold film rights . . . Okay, okay, I'm kidding."

As Leisha disembarked, the hot desert wind hit her like an anvil. (S) She took a deep breath and blew it out like a category 5 hurricane.

“What brings you to Mobile?” (L) The only believable response to that question: "My GPS malfunctioned."

She’d grown to expect it. (K) And yet it still shocked her when the 1st sentence of a manuscript had two pronouns with no antecedents.

The man bore down on me, leering with yellow teeth. (CP) And chomping with bloodshot eyes.

She was a force of nature steaming through the mall. (MM) I made a mental note never to get between her and Mrs. Fields.

“Your drug induced coma is the anteroom to my reality." (WM) And your Huh?-inducing opening sentence is the foyer to my nightmare.

Kincaid rode behind the sheep. (W) I'm torn between wanting to know what you mean by "rode" . . . and NOT wanting to know.

The room lit up as the Pope walked in. (R) Immediately Cardinal Vespaci knew he would catch hell for inviting paparazzi to the conclave.

The vault's alarm spoke: "Fa-oop fa-oop, fa-oop." (DF) Reading that is almost as annoying as listening to it.

I wish I didn’t have to tell my story in the first-person. (RLW) Sorry, but it's pretty much industry standard for autobiographies.

It wasn’t crowded in The Regulator Bookshop. (Anon.) Apparently, news that Evil Editor would be reading from Novel Deviations hadn't spread.

In your minds, you are all special. (P) That's because the publishing industry would grind to a halt without us . . . in our minds.

"I love you," Andi said very clearly, looking right up into his brown eyes. (SD) "I'm so glad I put up this ceiling mirror," he added.

In this business, every once in a while, you meet a woman who's a class act. (DJC) Thanks.

I didn't know that I was psychic. (ILS) Which, now that I think about it, should have been the first clue that I wasn't.

Some say stasis dreams are as close as the human mind can come to a vision of Heaven. (G) I say it's a pint of Cherry Garcia.

I had my nightmare again last night. (JAS) Me too. Mine was the one where yet another author opens by telling me about her dream. And yours?

"Shit!" (DJC) I'm a traditionalist; I prefer that you give the title and word count BEFORE the genre.

The dame had finally come unhinged. (R) Hey, YOU try working a job where you do all the work and get 15% of the take.

On impulse, Jerel gathered the mage close. (P) On impulse, I turned on the shredder.

I retched, and gagged, and heaved more liquid out of myself. (BS) Week-old burrito or erotic romance slush?

I let the gun rest on my limp dick. (EST) No need to tell us it's limp. If there's a gun anywhere near it, it's limp.

"You're going to wear that page out, you know." (MD) Dialogue between two senators?

It’s amazing how you take oxygen for granted until you don’t have any. (RS) True, if you replace "amazing" with "perfectly understandable."

There was no violence until the very end of the journey. (anon.) Sorry, try again. And this time, start at the end of the journey.

The Nightmare Man came today. (TLB) The Nightmare Man comes EVERY day. Although we agents call him the mailman.

"What the hell was that?" (RDV) What the hell was THAT?

Ventriloquism school has only one rule: don't fall in love with the dummy. (WT) That's also the only rule on Evil Editor's blog.

I have a perfect mouth, at least according to my dentist, AKA my dad, AKA Dr. Dad. (JJ) Sorry, AKA No thanks, AKA Better luck next time.

One year was wasted and gone. (KDE) Trunk novel or boyfriend?

"You don’t want this, no more than I do." (Anon.) Well, at least we agree on SOMETHING.

Face-Lift 1114

Guess the Plot

Guardian of the Phoenix

1. Joel was born for greatness--and he's going to achieve it, just as soon as he can find someone to watch Uncle Marvin's weird parrot.

2. Sheryl's substitute teaching job explodes in a dazzling pyrotechnic display that burns down the science lab. Now she's desperate to take any job--even pet-sitting in creepy Zanzibar Manor.

3. When Gwyn learns that her childhood necklace, "the Phoenix," is the only thing keeping the sun burning in the sky, she realizes it was possibly a mistake to give it to a vampire who wants to extinguish the sun so it'll always be night.

4. Tipped off by lapsed minions, Internet hacker Shazam targets the firewall blocking insightful blog posts of southern writer, Phoenix. Soon Shazam is on the run from ace detective Zach Martinez. Also, an evil editor.

5. After a bizarre series of fatal highway "accidents," 42-year-old paraplegic tax lawyer Jill Walters finds herself the legal guardian of 14-year-old super heroine The Phoenix, who's determined to avenge her parents' deaths.

6. When Wendy signed up to become a foster parent, she certainly didn't anticipate having a little pyromaniac in her house. Now, how to use the kid in an insurance scam?



Original Version

Gwyn has spent her whole life pretending to be something she's not… human. But when you're going to live forever, seventeen years of lying shouldn't be a big deal. Guardian of the Phoenix is complete at 58,742 words and would fit in to the Paranormal Young Adult genre. [That sentence could be placed at the front of the last paragraph where it won't interrupt the plot summary.]

Gwyn has been playing the part of human for so long, [In the previous paragraph 17 years was next to nothing. Now it's sooooooo long.] she has denied who and what she really is, an immortal. [We learned she's pretending to be human and she's immortal in the first paragraph. You must think we have really short attention spans. Dump the entire first paragraph and open: "17-year-old Gwyn has been playing . . . ] But with immortality comes responsibility, and her guardianship comes far sooner than she ever expected. [When did she expect it?]

Her treasured childhood necklace turns out to be the Phoenix, the only thing keeping the sun burning in the sky. It is her responsibility to protect it.

She is devastated when she finds out because she’s already given it away. [Why would a 17-year-old keep some plastic bead necklace she had when she was 4? It's bad enough giving a child the only thing keeping the sun burning in the sky, but to not even tell her to protect it is the height of stupidity.] Her desperate attempt to prove her love to a dhampire, [For those not in the know, a dhampire is vampire who works for the Dharma Initiative.] [No, seriously, it's the offspring of a vampire and a human woman, and my embarrassment at not previously knowing this is matched only by the author's at not knowing it's spelled "dhampir."] Nolan, has threatened the balance of the world. [She attempted to prove her love for Nolan by giving him her childhood necklace?] [I shouldn't talk, on my 3rd date with my 2nd soul mate I gave her my Tonka truck and she gave me her Barbie doll. We were both 23.] Nolan’s vampire father would like nothing better than to end the reason for Gwyn’s existence, allowing night to reign always. [If you mean he wants to destroy her necklace, stopping the sun from burning in the sky, has he given any consideration to the fact that it would soon become really cold? And all the food sources would die off, including those of dhampir?] [Note that the plural of "dhampir" is "dhampir." You may need to know that someday.]

On top of all of that, Gwyn is falling for Brandt, the Phoenix's soul mate. [I thought the Phoenix was a necklace. What's it's soul mate? A bracelet? She's falling for a bracelet?] [Two sentences ago she was proving her love for Nolan and already she's falling for Brandt?]

She's got a major decision to make; become the Guardian of the Phoenix or let the sun set for the last time. [Tough decision. I'd start by making a list of all the advantages and disadvantages of a burning sun.

Advantages
Can see the moon
Can start a fire with a magnifying glass
Bikinis

Disadvantages
Skin cancer
Global warming
Blindness from looking at eclipses
Easier for the Borg to find us]

I want to sincerely thank you for your time. I have a full manuscript available should you be interested in reading Guardian of the Phoenix. This novel can stand alone, but I have the desire for it to become a series. I am currently working on the second novel which features a new main character.

Sincerely,


Notes

Who gave Gwyn the only thing keeping the sun burning in the sky, and why?

Who was responsible for the necklace before Gwyn, and why has this person been replaced?

Who are Gwyn's parents?Are they immortal too? How can you tell someone's immortal when they've been alive only 17 years? Is she a goddess? A dhampir? A zombie?

This is all setup. You don't tell us anything that happens in the book. And the situation you've set up doesn't make a lot of sense. If it all makes sense in the book, rewrite the query in a way that shows it.

Charity Auction

The Brenda Novak Auction to aid diabetes research (http://brendanovak.auctionanything.com/) begins May 1. As usual, Evil Editor will have items up for bid, but for the past three years I've also run my own charity auction concurrently with the BN auction, and this year I'll be offering up the same items as in past years, as thinking up new stuff is too much trouble. And what better day to provide an advance look at the Evil Editor Charity Auction than April 1?



EE in Oil.

Self-portrait. As good as the crap you see in places like the Louvre. By the time your kids inherit it, it'll be worth twenty million.








 


The Lindbergh Baby
I've had this fellow in my cellar since 1932. He's really become a drain on me, so maybe someone else can take on the responsibility.









Evil Editor's "Throne"

It's like giving up an old friend. I've spent so much time sitting here my ass has worn an impression into the seat. Autographed.







 


The Gulf of Mexico

I shoulda dumped this a while back. It's a fixer-upper, so you can probably get it dirt cheap.




 



Frozen Foot of a Hobo

Right foot.







 




Everything in Evil Editor's Attic Storage Room

Winning bidder will need to bring a truck, boxes and a few workers. Contents of room includes half ton of unopened slush.







 


An Evaluation of Your First Sentence

by Evil Editor. More manuscripts get rejected after the first sentence than any other sentence. Find out why no one has ever seen your second sentence.









Name a character in your book Evil Editor

Change the name of any character in your book, whether it be a murder mystery, a horror/slasher book, or a historical romance, to Evil Editor! (No lit-fic, please.)









 
An Evaluation of Your Book's Title

Evil Editor will run your book's title by his minions, who will explain that it doesn't make them want to pick up the book, has been used by too many other authors, or simply sucks--but that it doesn't matter because the publisher will change it anyway.





Wake Up With Jesus

Get a good night's sleep for a change, knowing Jesus will be in your bed when you wake up. Evil Editor will arrange for Jesus (or someone resembling Jesus) to be in your bed when you wake up.


 


                                         
 
Reminisce about EE You and one other person will meet for lunch at a restaurant of your choosing and have a lively conversation about Evil Editor. Share your impressions, brag about your contributions to the blog, enjoy a hearty meal.

Transportation, meal and gratuity are the responsibility of the winning bidders.
 






Evaluation of Your Font

Used to be courier was the default. Then Times muscled in. Now anything readable goes, but you are the worst person to decide if a font you love is readable. And Evil Editor is the best.


Take Evil Jr. to Dinner

You get to grill Evil Jr. about EE while treating him to dinner at his favorite grille.

Evil Jr. guaranteed to show up, but not to be truthful.






ARC of the Covenant
An Advance Rapture Coffer for those who want a look at what awaits. Winning bidder opens at their own risk.






An Evaluation of Your First Word

by Evil Editor, the world's most famous editor. EE has rejected more manuscripts after the 1st word than he can count. Among these first words were "Irregardless," "Eventually," "Bivouac" and "Archau'tnau." Don't risk a 1st-word rejection.

**NOTE: This is an evaluation of your work, not a complete line edit. Winning this read does not guarantee a sale.





Filling of 2 Plot Holes
The last thing your career needs is some snarky book reviewer saying your romance novel has plot holes the size of Hudson Bay. Evil Editor will fill in any two plot holes in one of your novels.

No novelizations of summer blockbuster movies, please.




Evil Editor's Scented Manuscript Paper 
They say smell is the sense that brings forth the strongest emotional reactions. Of course you'd never dip your manuscript in perfume before submitting it, but Evil Editor's scented manuscript paper has a faint aroma that won't be noticed until it reacts with the editor's skin oils and begins wafting toward his nostrils halfway through your pages. Choice of lilac, cinnamon, bacon or new car.




Evaluation of a Proposal, by Evil Editor

Nothing is more likely to send her running in the other direction than a marriage proposal filled with vagueness, adverbs, and misuse of the word "literally." Run your spiel past the world's most famous editor for a complete line edit. Ring not included.






Evil Editor's Junk

Evil Editor recently cleaned out his junk drawers and his attic. Don't miss this rare opportunity to get your hand's on EE's junk.











 


An Evaluation of Your Name, by Evil Editor

You'd like to think your manuscript has never been rejected just because an editor thought your name was boring, forgettable, blah. Don't be so naive. Let Evil Editor do a complete line edit of your name, and suggest three noms de plume, at least one of which will include a middle name.





 

An Evaluation of Your Pie Recipe.

Send Evil Editor your pie, Fed-Ex, overnight. EE will provide a critique within 48 hours.








A Complete Housekeeping Critique, by Evil Editor

EE will move into your home and critique your housekeeping methods, including how you fold your T-shirts, how efficiently you store your kitchen utensils, whether your shower needs grout work, and why you vacuum in the wrong direction.

 

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Touch

1. Ernie Friks is a champion swordsman. Now if he could just learn enough French to sound good during a match.

2. Men and women try to touch and be touched by each other through the sparks of connection all humans long for. Also, a birdman.

3. In 2012, wearable computers communicate by passing pulses across the skin's ambient electronic field. When Tiffany and LaTis'ua bump in the crowded train, they accidentally switch identities. Hilarity ensues.

4. As the Martin family continues their cross-country trip, the dreaded cry sounds out from the back seat for the fiftieth time that day: "Mom, Billy's touching me!"

5. Homicide investigator Jill Akron has a secret: she can sense an item's history just by touching it, a skill she has never found especially useful. Until, that is, she borrows her boss's pen and uncovers a conspiracy that could endanger everyone she loves.

6. A collection of essays about babies and their effect on their single parents. Also, a panda.


Original Version

Dear_________

I am seeking representation for my ten thematically linked collection of short stories, TOUCH. [If you're going to get rejected after only one sentence, you want it to be because of the phrase "collection of short stories," and not because the sentence makes no sense. Move "collection of" in front of "ten."] Most of the offbeat stories are set in California and feature men and women struggling to find a sense of place and belonging: fitting in, finding roles, and connecting with others and the natural world. [In other words, there is no common theme, but I think I'll have better luck selling it if I declare one, so I'll make one up that's so general it could apply to any story ever written.] In “Animal Rescue,” a young man examines his commitment to his aging gay parents who are showing signs of mental illness. [Eventually he calls in the animal rescue squad, claims there are two lemurs in his basement, and has them transported to the zoo.] In “Birdman,” a woman struggles with the choice of raising her autistic son alone or remaining in a dysfunctional relationship [with her husband, a salmon-crested cockatoo]. [I'm beginning to sense a more specific common theme: people who think they're animals.] [Is there a wolfman story? Your chances of selling this triple if it has a wolfman story.] In the title story, a woman receives the remains of her MIA husband and tries to connect to her daughter. It is a collection of experiences, roads not taken, and the intense and unforeseen sparks of connection we all hope for.

I also have a novel nearly completed. [I call it Smell. It's about people struggling to find a sense of place and belonging: fitting in, finding roles, and connecting with others and the natural world. But instead of touching each other, they smell each other.]

Most of the stories have previously appeared in literary journals including: “Lynx Eye,” “Del Sol Review,” “Prism,” “South Dakota Review,” “North Atlantic Review,” and “Isotope Literary Journal of Nature and Science Writing,” among others. [Good strategy, mentioning only the big guns, and not the obscure ones.] In addition, I have attended the Santa Barbara Writer’s Conference, and participated in classes offered by Gotham Writers Workshops.

[Cost to attend Santa Barbara Conference, including lodging: $2000

Cost for a Gotham Writers Workshop: $400

Income for selling stories to literary journals: $200

Potential income for selling a collection of short stories: $100

No wonder everyone wants to be a writer.]


Notes

If you're going to provide one sentence per story, you have room to describe more than three stories. If you're going to describe only three stories, you have room to go into more depth with each of them. As it is, we don't know enough about what's in the book.


Selected Comments

Bernita said...Something's missing here - it may be action.


GutterBall said...I think Bernita's right. The stories may well be soulful and touchy-feely, but where's the action?

However, these stories sound like they'd be great separately in the venues in which you've already published them. All at once, though? Umm, not so much.

Word ver: qzgxsuzd - what, are they kidding?


writtenwyrdd said...Author, I don't know if these stories are interesting or not, there is too little information about them. What I would suggest in the query letter is to lead in with the overriding theme of the book in a way that works like a hook. The description of what the book is about. "Offbeat" and "struggling to find sense of place and belonging" don't mesh for me. Are we talking goth chicks who meet men at video game conventions when you say offbeat? And struggling for a sense of belonging is too, too generic.

You can describe the "lead" story (probably the one you should be naming the book after, regardless of where you place it in the collection). Or describe several stories. But tell us what makes these stories special.

The title "Touch" is, frankly, more suited to a sexual escapade than an emotional one, if you compare it to the shelves in a bookstore, you will find that word on the 'sensual' rack with great regularity (or similarly loaded words.)


Anonymous said...There would have to be something special about a collection of short stories by an "unknown" for me to buy it. Some cohesive thread or greater theme. I don't see that in the query.

Frankly, I think twice before buying short fiction anthologies by well known authors, and even then, the quality is variable.

Obviously, recycling old material is easier than writing a whole novel, but I'd need a real good reason to actually buy it. I don't see anything that compelling in the query. The fact that something's been published in The South Dakota Review really means nothing to me.


Shelton said...Do any publishers put out story collections by unknowns? I'm pretty sure Lorrie Moore was making appearances in The New Yorker before anyone considered publishing her story collections, and she's the best there is right now.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

The Nightmare Sun

1. When Alexandra Fipp moved to Alaska to meet more men, she forgot all about the Land of the Midnight Sun. Now she must get used to doing it with the lights on.

2. A world-renowned oncologist develops a paralyzing phobia that plunges him into a sea of delusion and SPF-60 sunblock.

3. When sentient robots and giant blobs create chaos, it can only be assumed that the sun is responsible.

4. On a quest for vengeance, Jack Schweiper goes undercover as a masseur to find his brother's killer - a man with a distinctive tattoo.

5. Locked twenty-three days in an abandoned tanning bed, Assistant D.A. Pamela Hardales has a new wrinkle in her investigation into counterfeit UV sunglasses.

6. It's the year 5,000,002,006 and the sun has begun its transformation into a red dwarf star, in the process expanding to the point that it will engulf the Earth. Can Ralab, Mineia and Pepe find a way to stop it in time?


Original Version

Dear. . .

In the world of THE NIGHTMARE SUN (steampunk fantasy, 90,000 words), not all souls ascend to another plane after death. Those who’ve committed atrocities in life sink [to another plane] underground upon dying, to be reborn as Golgos. But hell’s getting crowded. The old tired world is breaking at the seams from the damned souls roiling at its core, and each night the Golgos roam the surface, hunting the living. [This may be important in the book, but it has little to do with the rest of the query, so I'd start with the second paragraph. Unless Golgos is another word for zombies.]

On a single continent surrounded by a vast ocean containing thousands of islands, corruption and vice rule a society in the throes of industrial revolution and alchemical science. ["Throes" seems more like a word that would go with corruption and vice than with industry and alchemy. ] The wealthy live behind the walls of guarded estates, the poor struggle by as best they can; but rich or poor, it’s all chaos. [It's chaos behind the walls of guarded estates?] [Are there any characters in this book?] Only one direction offers escape from the crumbling world. The islands, and freedom. It’s that urge that drove Kolias, Io, and their infant son Aletes to the uninhabited island of Naucritus. [If the islands are the only escape from the chaos of a crumbling world, why would any of them be uninhabited? Every island should be teeming with people.] But something else drove them into hiding. Some secret trouble in their past. [These last two sentences add nothing, unless you explain them at some point.] As the story opens, Aletes is 17. [So everything you've told us so far happened before your story begins?] A stranger to the world, almost a wild child, [Almost?] he’s stranded alone when his parents fail to return from a trip to the mainland. [Seventeen years after arriving at this uninhabited island to escape the crumbling world, there's still no one else there?] One night he sees a flash of white out at sea, followed by the boom of cannon fire. Offshore, Skyrios, a man of 40, dives from his galleon and pulls the still form of a woman from the wreckage of a burning ship. When she doesn’t respond to his entreaties, he sails off to search the world for the first thing, the primal essence bridging matter and soul, in hopes of restoring her to life. [If I found an unconscious woman in the debris of a burning ship, I would assume that she will need medical assistance long before I can complete a global quest to locate the primal essence (which makes a better-sounding, if equally vague, name for it than "the first thing."] [This paragraph doesn't hold together. Is it about Aletes or Skyrios?]

Aletes eventually escapes Naucritus to search for his parents. The hunt propels him into an increasingly bizarre outer world--a world where sentient robots with bombastic egos carry grudges against everything that breathes; [How many times do I have to say it? If your book contains sentient robots with bombastic egos, put that up front so the agent doesn't mistakenly stop reading, thinking the book is dullsville.] where a once-noble soul denied passage to the afterworld is trapped in a monstrous body of animated vegetable matter; [Sentient robots and The Blob? What were you waiting for?] where hell is a real place, as well as a state of mind. Ultimately, in a night of revelation and death, Aletes comes face to face with Skyrios, and discovers that the madman behind his parents’ disappearance is an uncle he never knew. [The big revelation is a letdown. The villain is someone who wasn't even in the book.] [A mystery writer could never get away with this:

Detective: I called you all together because I'm prepared to name the murderer.

Suspects: Get on with it. Which one of us did it?

Detective: It was . . . Norton Greeb!

Suspect 1: Who?

Suspects 2, 3, 4, and 5: Who?

Reader: Who?]

THE NIGHTMARE SUN is a story about family secrets, out-of-control emotions in an out-of-control world, and the power of faith and perseverance against great odds, told in a style that combines colorful adventure and arsenic noir. [Arsenic who? I put that phrase in quotes and Googled it, getting a total of 15 hits, all of them in French, and involving chemistry.] My work has appeared in various magazines, including Lullaby Hearse, and is forthcoming in Hardluck Stories. Enclosed is an SASE and the first 5 pages as a writing sample. I’d be pleased to send on further material at your request. Thanks very much for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

I think it's better to focus on Aletes and his quest to find his parents. I didn't get his connection to Skyrios. Is Skyrios the uncle, or does Skyrios tell Aletes about the uncle?

All that description of the world doesn't belong in a short synopsis. If it's an adventure, get to the adventure.

When your parents disappear in a land where Golgos roam the night, it's a good bet they were killed by the Golgos, not your uncle.


Selected Comments

Random Minion... of DOOM said...I think the plot sounds really neat, although I'd agree with EE (in EVERYTHING of course) that it's hard to tell how the S-guy is connected to the rest of the plot, and why I should care.


JTC said...It's the year 5,000,002,006 and Al Gore is still trying to convince people global warming is real.