Evil Editor's Blog, page 143

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Fortune Cookie

1. The art of war is a matter of life and death, a road either to safety or to ruin...in bed.

2. Trying to free yourself from sex addiction by talking to stripper is like trying to lose weight by taking job at Dunkin Donuts. 3. Working at fortune cookie factory will lead to enlightenment--and the girl of your dreams.

4. You will be a best selling author, the fortune said. Ten years and 8,455 rejections later, Shiela Karski snaps and goes on an arson spree, targeting fortune cookie warehouses all over North America.

5. Korean-American fifth grader Grace Yi is tired of classmates and even teachers who lump all Asian ethnicities together. So when she's assigned to make the school's Chinese New Year Festival "authentic," she decides to make a few small changes. Hilarity ensues.

6. When champion Poodle "Fortune Cookie" disappears from her crate at the Long Beach dog show, detective Zack Martinez knows two things: the teamsters didn't steal her, and he'd better bring home some Beggin Strips for his wife's chihuahua.


Original Version

Dear ____________:

Ethan Cortier can’t get out of bed, he can’t function, and he can’t enjoy the things he used to love. The only pastime that barely interests him now is a secret sex addiction that makes him hate himself the next day. [If you can't get out of bed, sex is the perfect addiction to have.] [On the other hand, if you can't "function," it's the worst.] When he meets Bianca, an aspiring pianist working as a stripper in a shady club with a shady boss, he discovers that it is easier to confess his vice to a complete stranger than a loved one. [Confessing to a woman you just met that you have a sex addiction. I may have to give that a try.] After all, there is nothing for him to lose after she’s gone.

Bianca is facing eviction and unemployment. [Apparently she's as bad at stripping as she is on the piano.] On the night they meet, they speak openly and honestly about the secrets and problems they have kept from their friends and family. [He admits he has a sex addiction and she admits she has pianist envy.] In the short time they share, they connect, listen and offer nonjudgmental advice. Though they never expect to see each other again, they do, and over the next few months, they each find themselves falling in love with the stranger who knows their worst secrets. [Eventually, the sex addict can't keep his hands off his pianist.]

I am prepared to send Fortune Cookie, my 70,000 word literary fiction upon your request. This is a multiple submission. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


[(Not part of query): The title, Fortune Cookie, refers to the main characters picking up Chinese food one night. They miss out on the fortune cookies since the restaurant just ran out. The waiter tells the male character "You don't need dessert, she's sweet enough for you!" pointing to the female character. The bad joke indicates that the female character will bring some happiness into the male character's life.]


Notes

Better title: The Sex Addict's Pianist. Hey, if you didn't want a bunch of pianist jokes, you should have made her an organ player.

We know a few things about each of your characters, but all we know about the plot is that the characters meet, give each other advice, and fall in love. I know it's literary fiction, but doesn't anything interesting happen? Is there a villain? Does Ethan meet Tiger Woods in rehab? Does Bianca's shady boss threaten her? Does she play Carnegie Hall? Give us something.


Selected Comments


Anonymous said...Sir Evil, is it acceptable for unknown and unpublisheds to refer to their work as literary fiction in the query? I assumed that was a tad presumptive and maybe not a good thing if trying to woo representation. Thanks, Bibi


Evil Editor said...It sounds less presumptuous than calling it literature. And it's better than calling it boring plotless crud.


Ellie said...I have this half-baked theory of late that the problem with most query letters is people start summarizing at the beginning of the book and just sort of go until they hit three paragraphs. So you get a lot of setup, maybe a hint at the first inciting incident, and then you're left with very little sense of what actually happens in the book. Which is a pretty major function of a query: it's not just back-cover copy designed to entice; it's also a reassurance to the agent that you know what the heck you're doing and they're not going to be annoyed if they request a full and it falls apart halfway through because you ran out of plot.

The remedy for this, I believe, is to write the ending of the query first. Think of what readers will be rooting for your characters to do. Think of why somebody would be distraught if they left the book on the bus. "Oh, no!" they might say. "Now I'll never find out if Protagonist finds the Macguffin and gets the Girl!" So you write that: "Protagonist will have to defeat the Obstacle and the Other Obstacle if he's going to find the Macguffin and get the Girl." Then you put it down for a bit, come back, and think, "What do I need to say before that so this makes sense to someone reading it for the first time?" So you put in a paragraph before the one you've already written, explaining that "The Macguffin is the blah blah and Protagonist wants it because blah blah..." as needed.

It is, as one can surmise, a slow day here at work and I'm inclined to bloviate. Heh.


arhooley said...Author, I apologize for the vague advice I'm about to give.

Now then. This may be way different from Leaving Las Vegas and way better, but when I read this query I think, "I've already seen this movie." Can you flash your style or provide some eye-catching detail to distinguish yourself? "Offer nonjudgmental advice" may be accurate, but it doesn't exactly have a voice. Does Ethan have an oblivious mother, an unhelpful therapist, a prostitution or masturbation routine? Does the "shadiness" of Bianca's strip club come to anything in the plot, or is it just there for atmosphere? If it's the former, perhaps make a mention; if it's the latter, I'd take it out of the query.


Polenth said...It doesn't sound like there are any obstacles to them falling in love. What gets in the way? Disapproving families? Self doubt? Mutated penguins attacking?


Stephen Prosapio said...The stripper with the heart of gold falling in love with her customer with a sex addiction? I've known women in that profession and that's kind of like having a bartender fall in love with an alcoholic, a pizza delivery boy falling in love with the obese woman with the eating disorder, the editor falling in love with the compulsively bad writer. Ain't gonna happen.

So since this is fiction and less plot driven, I'd include the elements of the character that would lead HER to make the decisions she does. She seems more the focus character of this study to me. This pitch doesn't give me any reason to read about the sex addict.


vkw said...I don't know what to say author. I read the query, I understand the plot and, well I don't care. I don't care if the pianist becomes famous, Eathan overcomes his sex addiction or they fall in love.

First, understanding addiction is very important. Why does one person have a problem when they pick up prostitutes and another doesn't? Why can one person download porn and be okay and another becomes addicted? Why can one man be a player with 16 girlfriends and is addicted and another has 17 and it's not an addiction?

I would start there. Addiction goes beyond shame and guilt. He also sounds depressed. Addiction and depression are best friends, (and eventually become inseparable), but usually its the addiction that leads to the depression. That's important to address more thoroughly.

Anyway, the number one problem with the query is that you have given me absolutely no reason to care about your characters. Tiger Woods' story is interesting because all of the girlfriends popped up, he lost his wife and children, his fortune is in jeopardy, the scandal is all over the media, he lost sponsorships, he went to rehab and now we get to speculate on the divorce and whether he still has game and whether he'll recover from the media nightmare.

We have reasons to care what happens even if the reason is only because train wrecks, especially those involving famous people, are interesting.

Eathan in depressed and has an addiction. I don't care. The stripper is wannabe pianist. (There's got to be more to this because usually there is something more to choosing to become a stripper than paying the bills).

Well, I'm rambling, but give me something to believe in, give me a reason to stay, give me a reason to turn right around and hope Eathen and his new interest succeed.


Min Yin said...I just want to point out that stripper does not equal prostitute.


Anonymous said...Though they never expect to see each other again, they do, and over the next few months, they each find themselves falling in love with the stranger who knows their worst secrets.
This third character seems pretty pivotal to the story -- at least, this is where it gets really interesting -- so I would probably suggest naming him/her.


Anonymous said...I agree with VKW. If the story is character-driven, I need to have some feelings--ANY feelings--about the main characters. I neither despise, pity nor like the addict. I feel bad that the stripper-who-wants-to-be-a-pianist is facing unemployment, but lots of people struggle. Why should I care about her plight?

Is there some reason that they SHOULDN'T fall in love with each other? (Besides the fact that they've already shared their Worst Secrets, which seems to me to be a fabulous way to start of a relationship--"I'm in love with you despite knowing your greatest flaws. How will we deal with this lack of dishonesty?") Is Ethan married? Does his addiction mean he couldn't ever be faithful to Bianca?

Just some thoughts.


sylvia said...This made my day. What a great facelift.

There's not a lot to add but for me, it helped when I understood that I needed to get specific. If you can look at each sentence and see if you can refer to a specific secret / action / moment in the book (even if the query refers to multiple instances) then I think that can help.

Feedback Request

A new version of the query featured in Face-Lift 1105 is now in the comments there, awaiting your input.

Openings Needed

I've decided to end the New Beginning feature, because no one is submitting openings anyway. However, it would be nice to finish up the feature with a nice round 1000, which would require 11 more. We managed 1000 cartoons; now if 11 of you so-called writers will submit the opening 150 - 200 words of your latest novel or short story we can do the same with New Beginnings.

Also, if this appeal gets any results, we'll need amusing continuations for the 11 openings, so click the Openings link in the sidebar in the next few days.

Face-Lift 1106

Guess the Plot

Lola

1. It was his song, it was his song, it was their song. And after tonight, when James and Stephan declare their love while singing "Lola", will the Cedar Rapids VFW annual fish fry ever be the same?

2. The first Lola doll to come off the assembly line isn't intended for a child. Like the first toy of every line, she's destined to be destroyed by the Breaker, a remorseless quality assurance machine. Sacrificing herself for the good of others doesn't appeal to Lola, however. She's just not ready to meet her Breaker.

3. A prudish succubus from the underworld of Lola is cast upon the overworld of Highla. Her mission is to prove her worth by saving Highlan men from sociopolitical influences that encourage sexual release by hand-to-hand combat. There are no women in Highla, by the way. But will the Highlans let her go home, after she's proved she's hot?

4. Sixteen-year-old Lola moves to Key West. She worked obsessively to finish school early. Now She’s ready for romance. But none of the cute boys will dance with her. So she dresses like a boy; now they’re all flirting like crazy. Then she meets hot hetero Billy. They go fishing, diving and wind surfing. If she resumes being a girl, she’ll lose her “friends” and Billy will think he/she’s weird. But she hates it when he dates those snowbird bimbos.

5. Lola, a champion Toy Poodle, has retired to the maternal life. When thieves break in and steal her 3 precious babies, she does what any mother would do--she enlists the help of the neighborhood animals. Between Brad the crow, Patch and Moll the cats, Joe the pitbull and Ralph the ferret, can they find her puppies before it's too late?




Original Version

“The first toy of every line is intended for disassembly,” Angelique’s one eye shifted away from Lola, staring into darkness.“The First is not just any toy. This is a brave, unique creature. A being that only exists for the sake of others. You will go willingly, your head up, embracing your fate and proud of your calling. It’s your ultimate selfless sacrifice. Prepare to meet your Breaker.”

It wasn’t named The Breaker for nothing, you know. While some might consider this quality assurance machine harmless, neutral, void of feeling, Lola, a soon-to-be-dead doll, knows that it’s out to get her. [Run, Lola, Run.] A special edition doll, created only to be taken to pieces by the Breaker, Lola is led to believe that she needs to be joyful and friendly, carefree and docile, just as her box says, all the way to her doom. [I doubt a doll would be advertised as "docile." Even if these dolls are sentient and mobile in the presence of their owners, the manufacturer wouldn't consider docility a selling point.]

But could she possibly be more than just the description on her box? Lola struggles to discover who she really is and why it is that she cannot, will not, accept her destiny.

On her mission to untangle her fate, Lola stumbles onto the wretched Broken community, possibly the family she has been longing for. The Broken accept her for who she is, and support her in facing her monsters, the dark corners of her nightmares and the possibility of losing her life (and theirs) when she finally comes eye to eye with the godless, remorseless Breaker. [Not clear how Lola's encounter with the Breaker will kill the Broken.] [Were the Broken broken by the Breaker? If so, apparently the Breaker injures you, but doesn't kill you. Yet Lola is described as soon-to-be-dead.]

Against all odds and sinister forces surrounding her, Lola finds herself thinking outside the box, [Nice.] and resolves to fight her fate and the fate of all Firsts. A fate no one has ever contested before. A fate she might not be able to avoid. [That last sentence isn't needed. Who wants to read about someone whose "fate" can't be avoided?]

LOLA is an eerie 75,000 word novel targeted at 9-12 year olds, especially the adventure seeking girls who are into more than just pink and the Biebs. Lola is a strong female protagonist, who is struggling to discover who she is, and believes there is more to her than her box implies.

I have been a journalist and an editor for 15 years and have lately started publishing stories in various horror magazines. My short story “all about Evil” [That's the title I was planning for my autobiography.] was published lately [recently] as part of the horror fiction compilation “Bonded By Blood IV”. [How come when I look up Bonded By Blood IV on Amazon, "All About Evil" isn't one of the stories?]


Notes

You don't need Angelique to set up the situation for us. That's your job. We don't even know who Angelique is.

Are there any human characters? I'm not sure a 12-year-old is gonna want to read a book in which all the characters are toys. 

If there are people, are dolls sentient/mobile in their presence? These seem like important points.

What are these "sinister forces" surrounding Lola? If you want to attract those at the upper end of your age range, you might have to focus on the evil aspects.  

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

The Nature of Santa Cruz

1. Well, it's near the beach and there's nice sidewalks, but there are a lot of college kids and it sort of rains a lot.

2. Trees and stones take human form to wage a secret war in Santa Cruz. 15-year-old Cassie has the ability to bridge the gap between man and nature, tipping the balance of power. But will her mom let her go into the woods by herself?

3. Like mother, like daughter, knows Professor Irons. It's no surprise when young Jade flees the mundanity of Peoria for the glamour of the West Coast. But when she falls into the company of communal hydroponic farmers, it's up to the Professor to rescue her, before she succumbs to . . . The Nature of Santa Cruz.

4. When “undocumented worker” Carlos Cruz shows up at the day labor pool on Christmas Eve, the only guy offering work is a pequeno duende with bells on his shoes. Driving the sleigh is no problem, but will Christmas be ruined when Carlos has to take a leak at 30,000 feet? The kid who asked for the jar of marbles will probably think so.

5. Sasha, a young ecologist, fights to protect the endangered wildlife refuge near her Santa Cruz home. Things heat up, however, when she meets Don, a hunky land developer who claims to have a heart for the environment. Will Sasha have to choose between her newfound love and . . . The Nature of Santa Cruz?

6. Hot tubs, hot bikinis, and hot days on the boardwalk don't convince Marvin he's seen the real Santa Cruz. Join Marvin for a walk amid the downtrodden--migrant workers, homeless runaways, and Internet porn slaves--and learn that even these forgotten souls can cry, laugh, and love.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I am looking for representation for my young adult fantasy novel, The Nature of Santa Cruz (100,000 words).

Don't talk to strangers. Stay with the group. Listen to your mother. Fifteen-year-old Cassie Ravenssen knows all the rules. In the next three months she'll break every one of them. [She'll even run with scissors.] The Nature of Santa Cruz is the story of a girl growing up, a mother facing her past, and a world about to slip into war.

Cassie hates living on the run. The frequent moves, the fake names, and the non-stop lies leave her aching for a normal existence. [You might want to mention why she's living on the run.] Her mother's over-the-top restrictions make it impossible for her to have any fun, so when a letter arrives and they head for the west coast, Cassie hopes things are finally going to change. [What's in the letter? What makes her think things might change?]

But Santa Cruz hides mysteries Cassie can't leave alone, and her search for explanations takes her way out of bounds. Who is setting fires around town? Why are there soldiers in the woods? And since when are Australians the enemy? [Since they started training kangaroos as suicide bombers.] Her new friends Stan and Hawk hold the answers. When they introduce her to their charismatic leader, Jay, Cassie knows she wants to join the shadowy Western Forest Authority on its environmental mission. [What's their mission?]

Stan, Hawk, and Jay don't just defend the natural world, however; they are part of it – Arborei and Stannen – trees and stones turned human to wage a secret war. It is no accident Cassie has come to Santa Cruz. Someone wants her there and someone else wants her dead, for Cassie is a hybrid who can bridge the gap between man and nature, a weapon that can tip the balance of power forever. [Does she know she's a weapon? Is she always on the run because she's a hybrid? Was the letter that brought her to Santa Cruz written by a human or a tree?]

If only she'd listened to her mother. Once her cover is blown and Jay knows who she is, Cassie's thrilled to be accepted into the Arborei. But the Stannen have her mom, Jay has a plan for Cassie, and she'll soon learn no one's on her side. [She can't even go to the cops:

Cassie: My mother's been kidnaped.
Officer: By whom?
Cassie: The stones.
Officer: The stones? You mean the Rolling Stones?
Cassie: No, age-old rock-people who never die.
Officer: That's what I said. The Rolling Stones.]

The Nature of Santa Cruz is the first in the Tipping Point series; one of four novels that follow Cassie as nature goes to war. Uniquely placed between man and the environment, ["Uniquely," meaning she's the only hybrid?] she'll raise her own army, fight her own battles, and forge a brand new path to peace.


Notes

Mentioning that Cassie's a hybrid and that her friends used to be rocks and trees might be done earlier. Perhaps in an introductory paragraph. As it is, it's kind of a "Whoa!" moment. If I'm reading about a world in which rocks and trees turn into teenagers, I want to know it up front. Imagine you're reading Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm, and halfway through the book King Kong shows up. Sure, the book suddenly got interesting, but if you didn't know it was coming, you might have stopped reading in chapter 3 and picked up Anne of Green Gables.

The current introductory paragraph can be dumped. Her mother's rules aren't that intriguing, and certainly aren't what you call "over-the-top restrictions."

Are the bad guys the soldiers or the stones and trees?

I'm more interested in the answers to some of my questions than in the questions about fires and Australians.

The book is the story of a girl growing up, a mother facing her past, and a world about to slip into war. It might be better if the query focused on one of these. We know nothing of the mother's past, little about the trials of Cassie's growing up, and the war seems more local than world-encompassing. Focus on the aspect most likely to appeal to the target audience. Is it mainly a story about trying to fit in in a new town and school when there's lots of weird stuff going on? Or is it mainly about The Chosen One trying to defeat the forces of evil who are out to destroy goodness and light?


Selected Comments

Blogger blogless_troll said...Actually, I think the mother's past is pretty clear. In her younger days she was one of those extremists who chain themselves to trees for days on end. One time she probably brought some rum to keep her warm at night, spilled a little on the roots, one thing led to another...she's already tree hugging anyway. Nine months later hybrid kid is born. Somebody got pictures, posted 'em all over the Internet, now every time she starts a new receptionist job someone walks in and says, "Hey, aren't you that tree fu--" And BOOM, she's out the door, dragging tree girl to another town.

I agree we do need to know what's in the letter. And also how her new friends react to things like toilet paper and granite countertops. I suspect junk mail would really piss them off. It's such a waste.

This sounds like it could be fun as long as it doesn't get too messagey.


sylvia said...I could live with her discovering she's a hybrid at the end of the synopsis, but I felt pretty uncomfortable with five new names brought up at once (Stan, Hawk, Jay, Arborei, Stannen). Then, it wasn't clear to me that those were tribe/being names until I saw that Stannen had her mom -- at which point I was confused again because I thought they were the good guys.


Anonymous said...The query shows good writing ability, but it's more jacket copy than query letter. EE again makes the point that a query's purpose is to provide information and be fascinating. Jacket copy's purpose is to raise questions so people will buy the book to see what it's about.


Jennifer said...I know, I know - I keep writing book jackets! (and this story lends itself so well to parody - believe me, I've come up with most of the jokes already) Here are a couple of paragraphs I banged out to try to be more direct. Whattya think?
Fifteen-year-old Cassie Ravenssen wants to join the Western Forest Authority. She’s new here to Santa Cruz, California, and she doesn’t know much about the mysterious environmental group, but she’d like to spend more time among the enormous coastal redwoods, especially with her friends Stan and Hawk.

Then Cassie discovers the boys are soldiers and the WFA is a military organization, not a club. But how can an entire army hide in the forest and why are the Australians the enemy? It’s all about the nature of Santa Cruz. Hawk is Arborei, a tree that can become human, and the WFA is one outpost in an empire of trees. Stan, a Stannen, is the embodiment of a rock, living among the Arborei as a token of good faith. As climate change threatens the balance between species, conflict between natives and colonizing eucalyptus trees is heating up.

Cassie is the prize they all want to control. She is a hybrid, the first of her kind, a cross between human and tree that can change the balance of power. Cassie must separate desire from purpose, friend from enemy, before she can decide for herself which side she is on, and when Stan betrays her to help his own people, Cassie realizes that her true nature aligns her with the trees.


I know I'm not supposed to hint in any way that this is a series, but for God's sake, this is a YA fantasy novel - is anyone actually fooled by that? What do you do in this situation?

And by the way, there's no message, except that if we don't get those vicious blood-sucking trees they're going to wipe us all out the first chance they get.


Bernita said...While the stone and tree people sound fascinating, the title is dull.


Evil Editor said...The new version gives a much better picture of what we're dealing with. I imagine some will find the idea of a human/tree hybrid silly, but you can point to the ents in LOTR. And the talking apple trees in TWOO.


Xenith said...Revised version sounds much more interesting. Mother's rules and being on the run aren't particularly attention getting.


Anonymous said...If this is YA, I wouldn't mention the mother confronting her past. Teens and preteens don't really care what their parents think. It's "me me me!" all the way.


Jennifer said...

Is Outpost Santa Cruz a better title?

Or Girls Gone Wild? Oh wait, that one's taken.

Nature's Army? Secret of Santa Cruz?
Hybrid?


foggidawn said...Your rewrite of the query is much more attention-grabbing.

I wouldn't worry overmuch about the title. The Nature of Santa Cruz makes a passable working title. From what I hear, when you get a publisher, your editor is likely to suggest changes, anyway.


pacatrue said...It's not clear why Santa Cruz in particular is so important that it needs to be in the title. It seems like this could take place anywhere there's rocks and trees.

I vote for "Attack Trees of Death."


BuffySquirrel said...It seems a bit of a given that "her true nature aligns her with the trees". After all, she's half-tree. Maybe a less predictable solution to her problem would be more engaging. Nobody wants to spend their time waiting for the protagonist to notice the bleeding obvious.


Bernita said...The "working title/publisher will change it anyway" is a dangerous excuse. Your title is your first hook. It's a knotty problem.


Robin S. said...Your revised version reads really well. Best of luck.


blogless_troll said...I really like the rewrite. And as long as we're throwing out titles, how about My Dysfunctional Family Tree, or The Arboreal Guerrilla War.


GutterBall said...As for castaway titles, how about Sticks and Stones? Death to Rocks? Trees Are People, Too?

Oh, oh! My Dad, the Tree! Someone might mistake it for literary fiction and put it on Oprah's Book Club! Woot!


Jennifer GWOTW said...

Here's what I'm not getting across so far:

These are not talking trees. These are trees that can spit out a human being. Once it's out, it's just like us.

Cassie isn't out to save the world. She just wants a date with Hawk. Who happens to be a tree.

At the beginning of the novel, only one person knows she's a hybrid and it ain't Cassie or her mother. By the end of the novel they've all figured it out and all the different sides want to control her - not because she has superpowers, but because of what her offspring could mean for the trees. (Making them equal to humans)

Aside from the current battle between the native SC trees and the interloping eucalyptus ones, there is a much longer running tree/stone conflict which is why Stan is trying so darn hard to get Cassie to join up with him.

And then there's Fisher - a stone who's joined the tree side. (Think Vanilla Ice - really wants to be black - never will be; same thing going on here.)He's been after Cassie and her mom all this time. He wants Cassie dead and his own shot at making hybrids, if you know what I mean. He blows Stan's plans and now Cassie thinks all the stones are evil.

About half the characters in the book find out what Cassie is in the last scene, during which Stan makes his move, Fisher makes his and the trees arrive to "save the day". Of course within 2 pages in the second book we realize what a huge mistake Cassie's made.

So - how to get all that into one snappy sentence, eh?


Jennifer GWOTW said...Oh - and why I'd put Santa Cruz in the title?

The story is very place based. Not only do all the scenes take place at actual locations around town, there are actual trees from around town in the book.

I can picture the tourist brochure now.


pacatrue said...Actual trees around town. I think that's very very cool.


Crystal Charee said...The title is actually pretty good once you know what it means. EE's "guess the plot" for your story was the one I wanted to read. I say crib from EE and add some detail.

Choose one hero, one villain, and one conflict. Leave the rest for the agent to discover as they read your pages.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Martin Mason and the Man in the Crystal Prison

1. Not at all based on Harry Potter. Not in the slightest. Honest.

2. J.K. Rowling's lovechild by Evil Editor pens a scathing tell-all in the tradition of Mommy Dearest.

3. In the prison is the iron-fisted tyrant Samuel Wade, who just happens to be Martin Mason's father. Martin has the ability to turn invisible, but should he use this power to break his father out, or should he hang out in the women's locker room at the local gym? Or should he just stare at a blank wall?

4. Martin Mason, middle aged Irishman, tumbles into a rabbit hole on his way home from a pub in Limerick and discovers he's actually a wizard with a very important mission in life: guard the wee evil elf in the crystal prison on Fiona's key ring and don't let him out until the ransom has been negotiated with Glimmerella. But Martin accidentally lets the elf go. Hilarity ensues.

5. Martin Mason, teen-aged musical prodigy, learns that his music teacher/mentor has been unjustly incarcerated in the Crystal Prison and sets out to free him by smuggling in a high-F# tuning fork with which to shatter the walls.

6. Mild-mannered accounting clerk Martin Mason is troubled by a recurring dream of a man confined in a prison with crystal windows and bars. He takes an hallucinogenic herb to deepen his dream state, and finds himself in a crystal prison where he dreams of a mild-mannered accounting clerk.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Thirteen-year-old Martin Mason spends his evenings staring at a blank wall in his school’s basement. [A fascinating character about whom I would like to read an entire novel.

Chapter 12

Man, I still can't get enough of staring at this blank wall. It's like a giant canvas for my imagination. Hey, I never noticed this, but the wall isn't quite white. More of an off-white. Egg shell, maybe.

I wonder if they'd mind if I brought in a poster to hang on the wall. Just to break up the monotony. Nothing gaudy, of course, maybe a photograph of Tolkien or a still life of a fruit bowl with no apples, just Kiwi fruit and limes and prunes. Not that the wall is that monotonous. It is slightly brighter in the middle and darker in the corners. Though that could be a trick of the lighting.

Someone should paint a mural on this wall. A mural of characters from Dr. Suess and Looney Toons. I wonder if the Cat in the Hat would have as much trouble catching the Roadrunner as Wile E. Coyote does. The Cat's pretty smart, and the Roadrunner isn't necessarily smart, he just survives because the coyote keeps buying his contraptions from Acme, which makes crap. How does that place stay in business?

Whoa, what's that spot? Was that little spot there yesterday? I couldn't have missed that, could I? It looks like someone came in and drew a little dot with a Sharpie. Someone . . . lefthanded. Who walks with a limp. But why? Wait . . . IT'S MOVING!!! What the-- Oh. It's a spider. Shit, I'm losing it. Hey, I never thought about it, but I wonder . . . what's behind this wall?]

Behind this wall lies a device designed to free tyrant Samuel Wade from an impenetrable prison. [Whattaya mean, "tyrant"? Are we talking Stalin or the Vice Principal?] [Is this supposedly impenetrable prison the crystal prison of the title? Gimme a sledge hammer and stand back. I'll show you impenetrable.] Though Martin doesn’t know about this device, he does know three teachers who used to work behind that wall have mysteriously disappeared. Well, that, and he’s the prime suspect. [Why?]

To solve these disappearances and clear his name, Martin must first master his mind’s rare ability to manipulate its surroundings. Turning invisible was great for playing pranks at his old school back home. But sneaking around unseen at night tends to arouse suspicion at a school where Martin’s talent isn’t so unique. [If he's unseen, and others have the same ability, why is he the one they suspect?]

Martin must then decide who deserves his trust in this secret, seemingly idyllic world of self-driving cars and death-defying medical technology. His best bet is the teacher who supposedly saved him from life as some government lab rat by dragging him to this school in the first place. But Martin suspects him in the disappearances. [If Martin suspects him, then why is he the best bet?] There’s also the school Director. But he suspects Martin. [Why?] As for the police, they weren’t much help during Samuel Wade’s iron-fisted rule five years ago. [Rule of the school? Usually impenetrable prisons are reserved for the worst criminals. What did Wade do?]

What’s really getting to Martin, though, is the discovery that Wade is his biological father. [Aha! It's Star Wars. Martin is Luke, Wade is Vader, and the blank wall is the Force.] Despite Martin’s affection for the adoptive parents who raised him, he feels drawn to his own flesh and blood. If Martin is to stop Wade’s return, [If he doesn't know about the device designed to free Wade, and Wade is in an impenetrable prison, why does he think he needs to stop Wade's return?] solving the mystery of the blank wall won’t be enough; he must also resist his father’s temptations. [Wouldn't it be more accurate to refer to the mystery of the missing teachers than the mystery of the blank wall?]

MARTIN MASON AND THE MAN IN THE CRYSTAL PRISON is an upper middle
grade fantasy, complete at 73,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

Martin is trying to stop Wade's return? Meaning if the device is used to free Wade, he will regain his power?

What is Martin trying to do, mentally create a door in the wall? There must be some way into that room besides manipulating matter.

Once you get to Martin must master his mind's ability etc. you lose the main plot thread. Dump the pranks and self-driving cars and focus on what Martin plans to do once he masters his ability. Instead of listing those who don't deserve his trust, tell us whom he does trust to help him, assuming there is someone. What, specifically, is the danger, and what can Martin do about it?


Selected Comments
Anonymous said...I'm confused. What is this query is authorial info and what does Martin himself know? Here's what I'm getting out of it:

* Martin. He's 13 and telekinetic. He was adopted. He would like to connect with his biological dad, who he may or may not know is this society's ex-tyrant, and may or may not want to free from prison if he did know. He feels a little alone-against-the-world.

* The world: Technology is advanced. Life seems idyllic. But the police are corrupt. There used to be a tyrant, who is now in prison. A plot to free said tyrant is taking place at Martin's school. Martin may or may not know this.

* The school: All the kids have weird powers. Three teachers have disappeared. The other teachers suspect Martin of vanishing their colleagues. He didn't. One teacher scouted Martin for the school. A plot to free the tyrant is taking place. Martin may or may not know this.

That's a lot of info for a query. Are you in the stage where you are trying to answer everyone's questions? Don't worry. If you can focus on the important stakes and hook the reader, it'll be okay to have a detail or two dangling.

You might also want to look at the tone. The title is jokey, and Martin is 13 and plays pranks with his cool powers. But staring at a wall is boring and disappearing people and a menacing tyrant are pretty dark, massive stakes.


vkw said...I've see this query in a couple forms now and each time I keep asking myself - why does the author like this sentence:

"Thirteen-year-old Martin Mason spends his evenings staring at a blank wall in his school’s basement."

It's not that interesting and doesn't tell us a thing about the story.

If you insist on using it tell us why he is doing it.

"Martin spends his evenings staring at a blank wall which he believes hides the mystery of an imprisoned man or where he thinks his father is being held in a crystal prison or hides the whereabouts of three missing teachers."

My suggestion is to dump it completely.

The query is scattered. It's like a shotgun blast at a target. You've hit the target with a lot of pellets but it's missing connections.

It's like its been over-written or lost in the telling.

Then this happened, and this and did I mention the talking horse and flying cars?


The Spicy Cupcake said...Wait, what's with the wall? Was something walled up? Or is there another room on the otherside of the wall? When I read that teachers dissapeared from the other side of the wall, etc, I'm wondering why they were inside a wall.


arhooley said...Wow, I have no sense of how this story reads. All I see Martin doing is staring at a blank wall and sneaking around at night -- although he's suspected of making no less than three teachers disappear. (Why isn't he locked up himself?) (Why would he sneak around at night if he can make himself invisible?) It seems as if the plot consists of Martin trying to make a decision and solve a mystery by just thinking about it.

Also: Martin must first master his mind’s rare ability to manipulate its surroundings. You can take Martin's mind out of this sentence. "Martin must master his rare ability to manipulate his surroundings." Presumably, he and his mind stick together. And as usual, if he can manipulate his surroundings, why doesn't he melt the blank wall?


AlaskaRavenclaw said...Though Martin doesn’t know about this device, he does know three teachers who used to work behind that wall have mysteriously disappeared.

See, if three teachers have disappeared, that's interesting. It's a problem, an issue, a challenge if you will. How will your protag rise to meet this challenge?

He'll... stare at the wall said teachers used to work behind?

Madrecita.

Would Martin's godfather, Harry Potter, stare at the wall? Hell no. He'd tear it down with his fingernails if he had to. He'd get Hermione to read every book in the library about that wall. He'd spy on everyone and his mother. He'd figure out how the teachers got behind the wall... maybe that door over there in the corner?

He'd kick that wall's ass.

Your character needs gumption.


Ryan Mueller said...Thank you for the comments everybody. They've been really helpful.

@Evil Editor

Chapter 12 was hilarious. I'll have to make sure to replace the beginning of my chapter 12 with that.

Tyrant?

We're talking a whole lot closer to Stalin than the Vice Principal. Hundreds of thousands of people "disappeared" during Wade's rule. He also intended to take over the entire world (not just the little place where people with these special abilities have isolated themselves) and rule it by force with his powers.

Why is Martin suspected?

He has had the misfortune of being in the wrong place at the wrong time whenever one of the disappearances has occurred.

Most of the questions you raised I've managed to work into my newest version of the query letter. I took out nearly all the extraneous stuff about the world.

Can we submit a revised query in the comments now? I know we couldn't when Phoenix was still doing query critiques.

@Anonymous

Thank you for your comments about there being too much information. I actually had a version of the query I liked before, but people kept telling me to put more into it. In doing that, I think I ended up losing the plot amidst all the irrelevant details.

As for the tone, I would say the actual story is more mysterious than dark. However, it is intended for a relatively young audience, so I do include comedic bits. Personally, I like the title, which is strange because I always hate my titles.

@vkw

Rejoice! I have now taken the blank wall references out of the query. I had thought it would be strange enough to grab people's attention. Apparently, it was just annoying.

Thanks for the shotgun blast analogy. I've tried to cut down on the stuff not essential to the plot.

@Spicy Cupcake

The wall is gone now. Well, it's still there in the story, but in the story, I have more words to make it make sense.

@Alaska Ravenclaw

Your post made me laugh. Now, I'm imagining Martin kicking the wall's ass.

Thanks for letting me know that my character was coming across as pathetic and wimpy in the query. I've now added to my new query the actions he takes to solve the mystery (which aren't just staring at a wall).

For everyone confused about the wall, I'll try to explain it without giving away too many of the plot details.

At one point, Martin notices a teacher go through the wall by muttering a password. He finds this suspicious, so he starts watching the wall while invisible. He wants to know what's going on behind that wall. He is suspected when teacher's disappear because of the fact that he was unaccounted for at the time of each disappearance.

Since the wall was so difficult to fit concisely into a query letter, I realized I could still get the plot across without it. Thanks everyone for helping me realize that.


Ryan Mueller said...Here's a new version of the query. Does this work better? Is it less confusing? I tried to simplify everything chronologically.

Dear Agent,

At thirteen-year-old Martin Mason’s new school, life isn’t exactly going as planned. Three teachers have mysteriously vanished, and Martin’s knack for being in the wrong place at the wrong time has made him the prime suspect.

To solve these disappearances and clear his name, Martin must master the rare abilities that landed him a spot at this school in the first place. Invisibility to watch the entrance to the secret lab where those teachers used to work. Night vision to spot the culprit as he attempts to kidnap a fourth victim. Mind defense to lie when the school Director interrogates him about his suspicious behavior.

When Martin’s most likely ally in his investigation turns out to be the kidnapper, he looks to the only people he can really count on: his new thirteen-year-old friends. Together, they soon discover there’s more to this mystery than meets the eye. Those teachers who disappeared were working on a device to free brutal tyrant Samuel Wade from a seemingly impenetrable crystal prison. And the plot’s mastermind is the school Director himself.

Most horrifying, though, is the discovery that Wade is Martin’s biological father. Intrigued as he is by his own flesh and blood, Martin knows his true parents are the loving people who raised him. When he finally meets Wade, however, Martin’s loyalties waver under the influence of his father’s formidable mind control. Preventing Samuel Wade from renewing his reign of terror will require every bit of mind defense Martin possesses, and then some.

MARTIN MASON AND THE MAN IN THE CRYSTAL PRISON is an upper middle grade fantasy, complete at 73,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Evil Editor said...Much better. It seems a bit long; you might be able to eliminate a few lines by cutting the following:

P1: life isn’t exactly going as planned.

P2: about his suspicious behavior

P3: thirteen-year-old

really

soon

P4:

Intrigued as he is by his own flesh and blood,

, and then some


first Anon from above said...Awesome revision Ryan! Far clearer and I really like that it's all about Martin. He's coming across as likeable now where he was a bit poor me before.


Jo-Ann said...Hi author. The revised version flows much better, particularly with all references to staring at the wall deleted.

It's probably just me, but the name is close enough to Marilyn Manson to give me an image of what this kid might look like - and I'm guessing your protag doesn't wear heavy make up (at least not in public!).

Also a crystal prison doesn't give the image of an impenetrable fortress. If you're trying to attract an audience that includes boys, my sense is that the word "crystal" in the title would be about as attractive to them as the words "ponies" or "mermaids".

As for the query - I like it! Succinct and clear, and I'd read it (or buy for my offspring).

I'd only pause to ask why Martin is a suspect rather than a key witness to the disappearances (is there any other evidence that incriminates him? I mean, he'd have to be quite a powerful sorcerer to overpower adults), and whether Martin knew his ally is the actual kidnapper (if not, the shift in POV in the query is uncomfortable).

Otherwise, good job!


Tamara said...I like your revised query. The one tiny thing that nettled me was paragraph 3: "his new thirteen-year-old friends." EE listed it as a potential space-saver, but I don't like it because I'm cantankerous. Surely they weren't all born at the same day (unless they came from the same batch of tubes in 'the lab'), and the story takes place over a reasonably substantial time span, so they wouldn't all be thirteen at the same time. And isn't it obvious that Martin's new friends would generally be the same age? Though it would be slightly more interesting if they weren't. You know, a genius 10-year-old there, a hot "older woman" from the eighth grade mind-readers there....


Beth said...The revision is a great improvement. It has a nice, logical flow, which the previous version lacked. But it's too long and I really think you should zap the part about Wade being his father, which tips the query over the edge into almost-farce. As a twist, it may work out well in the book, but in the query it's one plot development too many. It screams cliche and melodrama. You have plenty of plot and conflict there without it.

One final note: The name Samuel Wade just does not sound like a dictator's name. Not that dictators are born with specially pre-prepared names and certainly you don't want to go over the top with something obvious evil...but the name does need to have a little bite to it, I think. More hard consonants maybe?


Ryan Mueller said...Thanks for the additional comments everyone. I'm glad to see my query's moving in the right direction.

@Evil Editor On the length, I wonder if it looks longer in the comments than it really is. It's actually slightly shorter than the original query. Is the 250 words for the entire query letter (including title and word count) or just for the plot paragraphs? As it is now, my plot paragraphs go 249 words. @Jo-Ann I'll see if I can think of something to use instead of the word crystal. I won't worry about it too much, though, since titles often get changed during the publishing process. I didn't even think about the similarity to the name Marilyn Manson. If he looked like that, it would certainly put a different spin on the book. As to why Martin is considered a suspect and not a witness, he is actually considered both. The query presents a very much simplified version of events. Part of the reason he's suspected, though, is that the Director thinks Martin might be getting a little too close to his plot to free Wade. I'll change the sentence about the kidnapper to: "When Martin discovers his most likely ally is actually the kidnapper..." That way, I should be able to eliminate the POV shift. @Tamara Yeah, I think I'll change that. I was questioning it when I wrote the query. One of his friends does turn fourteen during the course of the book, so you're right. @Beth I'll have to think about whether I should keep the part about Wade being his father in there or not. Thanks for pointing that out. As for the name, I could try to think of something else. Part of me reason for choosing it was the idea of giving a tyrant a perfectly normal name. I was hoping it would actually break from cliche there. I'd also like to hear others' thoughts on what Beth brought up. Should I eliminate the part about Wade being Martin's father from the query? Again, thank you for your comments everyone. They've been very helpful.


Evil Editor said...It's not so much the word count as whether it'll fit on one page in the form of a business letter, which would include contact info, date, etc.

I suppose now that agents are happy with emailed queries, this is less of a concern unless it's obvious that it wouldn't fit on a page. I'm not gonna print off your query to see if it fits. And at least you aren't wasting space with credits. I'm used to the plot consisting of three paragraphs of about ten sentences, often in three paragraphs. As yours has four paragraphs and fourteen sentences, I expect it would be a tight fit. Thus (to answer your other question), I think you might lop off the final plot paragraph about the father. It would feel about right in length, and that info isn't needed. It wouldn't hurt to also lop off those bits I suggested earlier, as they aren't doing much for you.


Ryan Mueller said...I've taken everybody's advice on tightening this up just a little bit. I cut out the bits about Wade being Martin's father. Here is the new version of the query letter.

Dear Agent, At thirteen-year-old Martin Mason’s new school, three teachers have mysteriously vanished, and Martin’s knack for being in the wrong place at the wrong time has made him the prime suspect. To solve these disappearances and clear his name, Martin must master the rare abilities that landed him a spot at this school in the first place. Invisibility to watch the entrance to the secret lab where those teachers used to work. Night vision to spot the culprit as he attempts to kidnap a fourth victim. Mind defense to lie when the school Director interrogates him. When Martin discovers his most likely ally in the investigation is actually the kidnapper, he turns to the only people he can count on: his new friends. Together, they realize there’s more to this mystery than meets the eye. Those teachers who disappeared were working on a device to free brutal tyrant Samuel Wade from a seemingly impenetrable crystal prison. And the plot’s mastermind is the school Director himself. In light of this startling revelation, Martin and his friends are the only chance of preventing Wade from renewing his reign of terror. But they’ll be taking on a task far beyond the abilities they’ve learned in school. A task that will require every bit of resourcefulness they possess. MARTIN MASON AND THE MAN IN THE CRYSTAL PRISON is an upper middle grade fantasy, complete at 73,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Beth said...Ryan,

Part of me reason for choosing it was the idea of giving a tyrant a perfectly normal name. I was hoping it would actually break from cliche there. He can have a normal name. But maybe it should be a less soft-sounding normal name. Samuel Wade sounds beta to me. Find an alpha name. [g] Third version is good. Made me want to read it and I'm not your target audience. :) Third version is good.


Ryan Mueller said...@Arhooley

I think my new versions of the query actually answered the questions you asked, so I guess that's good. @Beth I don't know if you're still reading this. But what about the name Marcus Wade? I know it shares the same three letter's as Martin's name, but when I refer to Wade in the book, I use only his last name. If I use the first name, I include the last name with it. I also like it because it is apparently derived from Mars, the Roman god of war, which makes it an appropriate name for a tyrant. Interestingly enough, the name Martin is also apparently derived from Mars.


Jo-Ann said...I think that half the fun of the fantasy genre is the evil sounding names of the bad guys. Think of the nasty giants in The BFG (Bone Crusher, et al); White Witch and King Miraz in the Narnia series; the loathsome Darth Vader; the irredeemably evil Lord Voldemort and so on.

The creators left no doubt that these people will use their formidable powers to crush those who stand in their way. But maybe such names have become cliche and it's time for the John Smiths of the fantasy worlds to rise up and claim their rightful place in the pantheon of evil dictators and dark lords. My thoughts are that Marcus (or Xavier) Wade could possibly be a bad guy. But he sounds more at home perhaps in a thriller - he could be the corrupt police commisioner behind the hits of investigators too close to his tail, or the nuclear power plant exec who realises there's good money to be made in handing over plutonium to shady terrorist groups. And so on. But I dont really see Marcus or Xavier as being either alpha or beta names.


Evil Editor said...You are welcome to use either of the names that have recurred on this blog throughout the ages, as long as Evil Editor is acknowledged, those names being Korlach, Lord of the Dark Realm, and Borgo the Disemboweler.

Fake Queries 6, 7

Face Lift #1093, GTP #4

Dear Evil Editor,

Eleven year-old Tina Tottingham is on the hunt for the Jigsaw Bandit in INCOMPLETE, (30,000 words) a middle-grade mystery.

Growing up playing in her parents’ toy boutique, Tina adores helping customers find the perfect gift. So, when Mayor Rasmussen’s daughter reports the handcrafted puzzle Tina recommended is missing pieces, Tina’s more than disappointed—she’s determined to find out what went wrong. After discovering all but two puzzles in the Toy Emporium are incomplete, Tina sets the trap for her light-fingered foe. Is it Maude, the elderly lady who loves to rearrange the doll display? Or, is it Alexa—the Mayor’s daughter? The first-ever Puzzle Race will reveal the culprit.

I’m a member of SCBWI-Tennessee and a mystery fan. INCOMPLETE would be enjoyed by children who like Nate the Great or Young Cam Jansen stories. I have included the first ten pages, as requested. Thank you for your time and consideration.


--Veronica Rundell




Face-Lift 58, GTP ??

Dear Evil Editor,

The year is 2453. Time travel for recreation has become commonplace. This season there is a craze for historical romance, and bored people take over the role of fake British Lords anywhere from 1200 to 1900, after a short effortless hypnotic course on relevant language and history.

Morin, a young lawyer, got a fortnight in Regency England as a gag gift from his staff, and uses it to get away from his humdrum life. But his conditioning was only partially successful, and he stumbles from one problem to the next, including a hopeless attraction to an unsuitable married woman, trying to change the injustice of the social system, etc. He ends up exposed as an impostor, and imprisoned, when he is finally drawn back to his own existence, after the longest two weeks of his life.



--Anonymous

Fake Query #5

Face-Lift #980, GTP #4


Dear Evil Editor,

Tom Evans wants an Oscar. His years of transforming silverscreen claptrap into blockbuster features feel empty and hollow when Roxanne leaves him for the screenwriter of last year's Best Picture.

Tom sets off for a buddy's cabin in Wyoming, certain that the quiet life is what he needs to write the next Brokeback Mountain. And sure, he gets plenty of natural exposure--from the nudist encampment that shares his river rights to the wolves that dog his every step--but few ideas. That is, until he stumbles into a militia meeting while hiking. The gun-toting freedom fighters mistake him for Dom Evans, and rejoice, certain the reclusive anarchist has responded to their repeated summons. Before he can reveal the error, Tom is inducted into the business side of militia finance--illegal booze and drug running. Realizing this experience might make for the most realistic story Tom's ever written, he dives headfirst into the intrigue. When the real Dom Evans arrives, however, Tom's charade evaporates.

Now, it's Tom versus Dom versus Nature in the ultimate showdown--who will survive: Tom, Dom or the Grizzly bear? If he lives, Tom might just have the screenplay of his dreams.

HOLLYWOOD ENDINGS is complete at 157,000 words, and a guaranteed blockbuster you'd be a fool to turn down.


--Veronica Rundell


Notes

Could have been Oscar material -- if Orson Welles were still alive to play the grizzly bear.

Fake Query #4

Face-Lift #200, GTP #1

Dear Ms. Agent,

Have you ever met one of those overachievers who's just got to be on top of every pyramid she climbs? Well, Staci Mesa, the head cheerleader at South Floridian High School, is that person. She has seen a new dance on YouTube that's quite the rage. It's called the Sosunda, and she simply must incorporate the dance's lurching and shuffling zombie-like moves into her team's routine.

Perfectionist that she is, she'll settle for nothing less than to learn the Sosunda's unique steps at the dance's point of origin, the tiny town of Port Au Feu in the Caribbean. With both her parents preoccupied with extramarital affairs, Staci has no trouble stealing her mom's credit card and slipping away to Port Au Feu during her school's mid-winter break.

She doesn't have to search long to find what she's looking for, because the Sosunda runs nonstop in the bar at the very hotel where she is staying. And there's one reveler there who is better at it than anybody else. He's got the foot-dragging and jittery clawing at the air down perfectly. He even looks the part. She can almost believe the moldering lips, the flaps of tattered skin hanging from his black-veined cheeks, and the cobweb-filled eye socket are real. Only after squeezing through the crowd and seeing him up close does she begin to suspect that ... maybe they are real! Yet more horrifying, he's stopped doing the Sosunda and wants to Tango.

Will it occur to Staci in time that the name Port Au Feu and the French recipe known as Pot Au Feu, which includes bone marrow as a main ingredient, sound remarkably similar? More importantly, will her cheerleader training allow her to tumble and cartwheel her way back to the cheer-filled world of high school and a blissfully dysfunctional family where she can go on being simply mindless instead of literally brainless? You can find out by requesting the completed manuscript of my xx,xxx word horror/adventure/love story.

As a lifelong survivor of the pre-zombie-apocalypse, I consider myself as qualified to write about it as anyone. Also, as for my previous writing credits, I have submitted several GTP's to Evil Editor's blog, some of which he actually published.

Thanks so much for your time. You can thank me later.

Sincerely,
Xxxxx


--James


Notes

Zombies are hot, but if you don't write fast they may be cold by the time you get this published. Get to work.

Fake Query #3

Face-Lift 552, GTP #6

Jane Doe remembers turning the cut-glass knob of the wooden shop door. She remembers walking into the old Victorian converted to a thrift store in Spruce Hill, Colorado. Before that, there is nothing.

The ladies at Daughters of Mercy Secondhand are used to helping lost souls, and they quickly find a volunteer to drive Jane to the state mental hospital in Pueblo. There, a sharp-eyed security guard sees that the woman on Jane's driver's liscense isn't Jane. The woman, Yolanda King, only bears a resemblance to the amnesia patient. Jane feels she should have known she wasn't Yolanda, but when she looks in the mirror, she is shocked to see a total stranger.

Doctor Ben Shelby takes on jane as a client, pro bono. The doctor doubts this is a genuine case of retrograde amnesia and suspects that Jane has stolen Yolanda's identity and is faking the illness to avoid prosecution for some crime. A preliminary police investigation seems to confirm this- the real Yolanda King was found dead under suspicious circumstances. When Jane tells the police she doesn't remember meeting Yolanda, Shelby decides to get to the bottom of this certain murder.

Then a strange anomaly on Jane's MRI scan prompts the doctor to look a little closer. What he first takes to be a double image turns out to be more than a simple medical man like Shelby ever bargained for.

It will take all the doctor's skill to pry open the door Jane envisions in her mind. It will take all her determination to hold it shut. She doesn't know what will happen when it opens, but she senses it- and she's terrified.

The Amnesia Door is a 100,000 word psychological thriller about a woman who loses her mind and finds someone else's. Thanks for your consideration.


--AA

Notes

These queries for nonexistent books seem better than the ones we get for actual books. I'm thinking everyone should do this exercise and then write the book in their query.

S.J. Watson's Before I Go to Sleep is a psychological thriller involving amnesia, and well worth your time.