Evil Editor's Blog, page 147

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

A Human Element

1. Nina Tass has discovered the biggest secret mankind has to offer; a heretofore unknown element that determines conscience. Inject it into a rat and it shows remorse. Remove it from a human: instant sociopath.

2. As the stock boy at a dusty old New Age shop that never sold anything, Josh thought he'd lucked into the easiest job in the world. But that was before his boss accidentally turned him into the anthropomorphic representative of air. Also, a unicorn with myopia.

3. Aboard the Ulysses, the manned mission to Europa, things are not going well. Every time something fails, CANDY, the computer-assisted navigator, is blamed. CANDY, however, is fed up with the weakness of the crew. Will CANDY be the only Earthling to reach Europa "alive"?

4. Biochemist Bernie Shaw has identified the element responsible for triggering the evolution of apes into homo sapiens. When his girlfriend, Heidi, is accidentally exposed to a radioactive version of the element, she transforms back into an ape. Can Bernie reverse Heidi’s de-evolution, or is she headed for unicellularism?

5. Laura is drawn to Ben but would Ben want anything to do with Laura if he knew who she really was? For instance, would it bother him to know she's an alien who became human when the meteorite she rode to Earth reacted with elements in Earth's atmosphere?

6. Aimee thinks she has the perfect solution to the animal instincts that overcome her when the moon is full and she becomes a werewolf: a cabin in the wilderness, fifty miles from civilization. And it works fine until the month she arrives at the cabin to find that a scout troop has set up camp nearby.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Laura Armstrong endures a life of tragedy as those she loves are gruesomely murdered and realizes she must unravel her past to face the killer if she wants to live. [Dump that. I seldom find opening with a one-sentence screenplay log line helpful. There's nothing there that isn't soon repeated, except Laura's last name, which can easily be inserted two words from now.]

Laura can’t escape death. Her parents were burned alive, her best friend’s throat was ripped out and her boss’s head was blown off in her lap. [Serves him right for having his head in her lap in the first place.] And she doesn’t know why. She fears the killer is the one who chases her in nightmares. [Didn't she see who the killer was when he was blowing her boss's head off?] [Actually, as it seems likely Laura would have been mortally wounded if her boss's head were blown off while it was, for some reason, in her lap, I'm forced to consider an alternative, namely that her boss's head was blown off nearby and came to rest in Laura's lap. We must now ask what could blow a man's head off without injuring a nearby person. Certainly not a grenade. Possibly Green Arrow has a meat cleaver arrow that could do the job. Someone else look into that. I'm more interested in how one reacts when one is at work and suddenly discovers the severed head of one's boss in one's lap. Does Laura react with revulsion, shoving the head into the wastebasket? Or does she, recognizing it as the head of her boss, treat it with more respect, placing it on a shelf next to a photograph of her parents and the urn containing their ashes? Perhaps it depends on whether she was wearing old jeans or her new white silk dress when the head landed in her lap, spurting blood all over her.]

It might be connected to the meteorite that hit her hometown lake almost thirty years ago. Ben Fieldstone thinks so. [Ben Fieldstone thinks that the murder of Laura's boss where she now lives is related to a meteorite that fell to Earth 30 years ago where she lived back then? I find it inconceivable that anyone would conceive of such a ridiculous theory.] He was there the night his parents were crushed under it. [They were crushed by a meteorite that landed in a lake at night? What were they doing in a lake at night? And if Ben was there too, why wasn't he crushed?] Laura finds him when she returns home to search the lake for answers. [She travels to her hometown to search the lake for answers even before she has met up with Ben Fieldstone? In other words, both she and Ben independently reach the conclusion that a meteorite that hit the lake thirty years ago is connected to her boss's head being blown off?] [Did Ben even know Laura before the lap incident?] Drawn to one another, they discover they are bound by fate as Laura’s true identity is revealed and that the man who wants her dead [How does she know it's a man? And if he wants her dead, why didn't he blow her head off, instead of her boss's head?] is part of her. [Huh?] With the killer closing in, [How much closer can he get? He's already part of her.] Laura realizes she must fight him alone to save them both. But if they survive, she fears she can’t give her heart to Ben now that he knows who she really is. [I missed the part where you reveal who she really is so that I'll understand why she's concerned. (I'm assuming the educated guess I made in Guess the Plot is correct, but the person you send the letter to may not be as quick on the draw as Evil Editor.)]

I am seeking representation of my novel, A HUMAN ELEMENT, a 120,000-word suspense novel. I would appreciate the opportunity to send you the entire manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

Who is she?

I fail to see why Laura would think whoever killed her parents, boss and friend is connected with a meteorite that landed thirty years ago, or with her hometown. Presumably the boss and friend have no connection to Laura's hometown, so it's not the meteorite that connects the murders, it's Laura. If it all makes sense in the book, you need to fill in the gaps so it makes sense in the query.


Selected Comments

no-bull-steve said...A case of trying way too hard. The whole thing sounds like a bad (and I repeat bad) X-files episode. And EE is right. 80% makes no logical sense the way you've worded it.


BuffySquirrel said...

Laura can’t escape death. Her parents were burned alive, her best friend’s throat was ripped out, and her boss’s head was blown into her lap. She's even pursued by the figure of the killer in nightmares.

Seeking answers, Laura returns to her home town. There, she reconnects with Ben, who saw her parents die thirty years earlier when a meteorite struck the lake in which they were skinny-dipping.

another plot paragraph?

When Laura’s true identity is revealed, she realises she must fight the killer alone to save both Ben and herself. Yet even if they survive, will Ben accept Laura now he knows she is a brutal eunuch from outer space?


Ink and Pixel Club said...Honestly, I don't see how Laura could conclude anything from the string of bizarre deaths of people around her except that she has horrible luck. Is there some reason why Laura and Ben believe that this is all connected to the meteorite falling nearly thirty years ago? If there is, say so.
I don't get the sense that much happens in this story based on the query, The deaths could be exciting, but they're either in the past or involve people who we know nothing about except that they mean something to Laura and they're dead. Other than that, Laura traveling to the lake seems like the only action in the story. Everything else is discovery and realization that feels insubstantial, possibly because we don't know what the characters are figuring out.

Why do Laira and Ben think the meteorite has something to do with the deaths of the people around Laura? What is Laura's true identity? Who - at least generally - is the killer how is he part of her? Why does Laura have to fight him alone? Why is she worried about not being able to give her heart to Ben when their survival is a much more pressing concern? (Maybe I'm not clear on the correct use of the phrase, but "give her heart to Ben" makes it sound like she's worrying that she can't choose to pursue a deeper relationship with Ben rather than fearing that Ben won't want to be with her now that he knows her true identity, whatever that is.) Being cryptic about these parts of your story is making the query confusing and even dull, not mysterious or intriguing.


arhooley said...But onward.

Drawn to one another, they discover they are bound by fate as Laura’s true identity is revealed and that the man who wants her dead is part of her.

Let us diagram.

I. Laura and Ben discover
A. they are bound by fate
B. the man who wants Laura dead is part of her
II. as discovery "A" occurs, Laura's true identity is revealed

Is that what you meant? It's an awful jumble for a query to say nothing of a sentence.

Why must Laura fight the killer alone, especially if she and Ben are bound?

But if they survive, she fears she can’t give her heart to Ben now that he knows who she really is.

Why do I care? For all I know of Laura and Ben, they're as nice as Bonnie and Clyde.


vkw said...Is Laura the murderer? Is that the big secret?

So that would mean that the boss had his head in the MC's lap and so she blew it off.

Well that makes sense, although a sexual harassment lawsuit would be less messy and more profitable. And, one wouldn't get arrested for murder.

Of course we have no idea why she killed her parents or best friend. I think it is far more likely to assume the MC is a psychopath with dissociative disorder than believe a meteorite had anything to do with it.


 Anonymous said...In retrospect, everyone realizes their first novel was an incoherent mess. That is why man invented trunks to hide them in.


Phoenix said...I think there was an episode of Bones (spoiler-free) where someone got their head blown off by, yes, a high-powered rifle, so EE's theory MUST be right if a TV show backs him up. There was a crowd, but I don't believe the head landed in anyone's lap.

This also had me thinking of the (spoiler-free) meteorite touchdown and Chloe's Wall of the Weird in Smallville.

Then I skipped to thinking about Spidey when (spoiler alert) the Venom symbiote became part of him.

I'm afraid, though, those are the only coherent thoughts I had on reading this query. Part of that was due to my not being able to figure out what was going on in the query and part due to EE's blue-lining.

I also spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out what the D and Y stand for in the CANDY acronym in GTP #3. I sooo want to write about a nav system named CANDY now.


Khazar-khum said...CANDY: Computer Actuated Navigational Drive sYstem
It's a long-standing tradition to name the thing and then figure out an appropriate acronym.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Dragon's Beginning

1. Hunky anthro - pologist Petr von Bigun is research- ing an ancient, forgotten tribe on a remote Pacific island when the sea literally starts to boil. The natives whisper of "Dragon's Beginning" and of the end of the world. Can Petr, aided by voluptuous beach volleyball pro Annette Sands, learn the tribe's ancient language and rituals in time to save the planet from annihilation?

2. When Robby finds a dragon in a box, he makes his way to a magical land where he must drive out evil to inherit a kingdom and rescue a damsel from the evil tower. If he survives to his sixteenth birthday he'll inherit dragon powers, and shapeshifting ability, and might be able to save his family. Also, a grumpy bard.

3. Tired of dealing with riots, Zhu Tzu turns in his officer's badge and heads to the US to start a Chinese restaurant "The Dragon." His endeavour is a success, until his dragon logo comes alive and starts eating employees that complain too much. Can Zhu Tzu soothe the dragon's fragile ego and set things right? And what will happen when a notorious food critic tastes the egg drop soup?

4. Two oversized lizards in love. A passionate encounter. A fateful mutation on chromosome 18. Three weeks of incubation, and: enter, the dragon. Teased by the rest of the Brachiosaurs, he hides in the back of the herd. When a pack of Allosaurs arrives, will he save the day or turn his back on the herd that scorned him?

5. In the beginning was the Dragon. And the Dragon was hungry. And the Dragon was made of flesh, as were the people it preyed upon. And this was good. For the Dragon. But for the people, not so much. Thus the need for Galwayn the Dragonslayer and his thirsty sword Mordran. With the assistance of a reluctant soothsayer, a buxom lady’s maid, and a disinherited earl, the stalwart Galwayn sets out to assure that the dragon’s beginning is speedily followed by its end.

6. Alexios Andronikos was born poor and patronless on the back streets of 14th century Trebizond. When his desperate parents sell the strikingly beautiful child, he is castrated and trained for harem life. But Alexios was born to be a warrior, and there will be no denying his destiny. Escape, martial arms training, intrigue, and his own dauntless nature propel Alexios’s transformation from eunuch slave to The Dragon, Scourge of Byzantium.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Details about agent, personalized from research. I hope you enjoy DRAGON'S BEGINNING, the first book in my YA fantasy-adventure series. The novel is complete at 65,000 words.

The tale of a boy and his dog is classic. When the boy is a young sorcerer named Robby who doesn't know he's also half dragon, classic turns fantastic. Mix in his guardian Dire Wolf, Mearlyn, and the amazing creatures and magic's of the land of Drakos Dnal [and you have . . . what?].

Robby's house is destroyed and his mother has disappeared. His only hope of finding her comes from the mysterious black box he unearths from the ruins. [It's obvious what happened: a plane crashed into the house.] Unfortunately, it comes with a dragon-in-the-box. [Is the dragon in the black box? Or is there a dragon-in-the-box inside the black box? The dragon-in-the-box being like a Jack-in-the-box, but instead of a clown popping up, a dragon pops up and spews a wall of flames on the child.] [Expect a massive recall on these within two years of their arriving from China.] Setting off with Mearlyn, Robby follows the clue from the dragon, [What clue?] discovering nothing in the land [If, by "the land," you mean Drakos Dnal, just call it that. Better yet, call it by a name that doesn't sound like it's the villain's name.] is as it seems. [Nothing?]

He learns he is the heir to a kingdom - if he can drive the evil from the land. [When it comes to real estate, there's always a catch.] [Is he heir to Drakos Dnal?] [Does the evil he needs to drive from the land seem to be evil? Because nothing is as it seems, so maybe it's actually good.] He finds friends and enemies along the way, [The way where? Is he going somewhere?] while dodging the evil Daemon who will stop at nothing to steal Robby's magic. [What magic? Is Robby a sorcerer? Does he seem to be a sorcerer? Because I remember you saying nothing was as it seems.] When one of his companions, Isabelle, is captured, [or at least seems to have been captured, but is actually at Starbucks working on her novel.] Robby is given a choice - offer himself up to save her, or find her before time runs out. With new allies - including a grumpy Bard and a batty witch, [Are they really a grumpy Bard and a batty witch? If so, could we have just one example of something that isn't as it seems? So far, everything is as it seems.] he discovers where Isa is held. Breaching the tower, Robby must use his wits to rescue her and destroy the tower's evil magic.

While continuing the search for his mother, Robby is shocked to discover the true secret of their past. On his sixteenth birthday, he will inherit dragon powers - great magic and the ability to shift form. [If I had great magic and the ability to shift form, I wouldn't bother trying to drive evil out of some kingdom so I could inherit it. Who needs the aggravation?]

Through his journeys, Robby realizes he cares about saving not just his friends and family, but the land itself. Drawn deeper into this dangerous game, he knows he must eventually fight - and hopefully win - against Daemon, the only one to ever find magic more powerful than a dragon's. Until then, his family will be lost [His family, meaning his mother? Who else is lost?] and Drakos Dnal will continue to be enslaved.

Dragon's Beginning is my first novel. I'd be happy to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,


Notes

It sounds more like middle grade to me.

You keep bringing up stuff and assuming we know what you're talking about. You know everything. We know nothing. Give us a clear progression of the main plot. How and when does Robby get to Drakos Dnal? What's his plan when he gets there?

How come when Robby was fifteen, and didn't even have dragon powers yet, Daemon, who has magic more powerful than a dragon's, was so eager to steal Robby's magic? That's like Donald Trump stealing a quarter from a homeless guy.

Although this is missing some key information, it's a bit long. You'll have to determine which information we can do without.


Selected Comments

writtenwyrdd said...Sadly, Author, your letter isn't inspiring me to trust in you as an author. Your plot and your writing both need clarification. This letter unfortunately is really difficult to understand, as EE underscores with his commentary. Remember: If you can't write the letter clearly, the recipient is not likely to want to read your book

Although there are some elements that were intriguing (what's not to like about dragon protagonists?) I found the plot sounded a bit trite as described, especially when you use a name like Maerlyn, which is uncomfortably close to Merlin and sparks a comparison to Arthurian tropes. Maybe change the name?

However, if it IS an Arthurian trope, that's fine; I just don't want it rubbed in my face. I want to like the book for your writing, not the trope.


Anonymous said...Grumpy Bard? Batty Witch? Some new characters for the EE classic, but who will write it?

Seriously, though, this is just another fantasy with no rules, rhyme or reason. You've got to convince an agent that the story is well-crafted. The letter has to be much tighter than this or no agent will even take a chance on reading the story.


Anonymous said...I would omit the phrase 'dragon-in-the-box' because it doesn't match the tone of the rest of this query. In fact, it seems like it mocks the story if you ask me.


pjd said...I was put off by the very first sentence. Is this supposed to tie back to his guardian, Dire Wolf, who appears only once in passing? Or is it a nod to the "classic" Science Fiction film, A Boy and His Dog? Which I have not seen but which does not appear to have much to do with your novel.

But then I got stumped by what's so classic about a boy-and-dog story except it sounds boring. Are you invoking Steinbeck?

I'd be much more interested in reading the romance story describing the courtship, marriage, and eventual estrangement of Robby's parents. Half dragon? Some hot scenes in that one, I'm sure. Probably not middle grade.

My suggestion is to write your next book. Maybe go through a serious revision cycle with this one if you haven't yet, then move on. I remember starting something like this many years ago, though I never finished it. There's a good reason that many authors say their first book to sell was their third or fourth manuscript.


Amber said...

Dear (AGENT’S NAME),

I hope you enjoy DRAGONS BEGINNING, the first book in my YA fantasy-adventure series. The novel is complete at 65,000 words.

The tale of a boy and his dog is classic. When the boy is a young sorcerer named Robby who doesn’t know he’s also half dragon, classic turns fantastic in the land of Drakos Dnal.

Robby is a 15-year-old sorcerer, who together with his guardian dire-wolf Mearlyn, must find his missing mother. Along the way, he finds new friends and together they must dodge the evil Daemon and his monsters. When one of Robby’s companions, Isabelle, is captured, he has a choice - offer himself up to save her, or find her before time runs out. With new allies including a grumpy bard and a batty witch, he discovers where Isa is held. Breaching the tower, Robby must use his wits to rescue her and destroy the tower’s evil magic.

While on his journey, Robby is shocked to discover the true secret of his family’s past. Not only is he the heir to the throne, but also, on his sixteenth birthday, he will inherit his dragon powers – great magic and the ability to shift form. Robby realizes he cares about saving not just his friends and family, but Drakos Dnal itself. Drawn deeper into this dangerous game, he knows he must eventually fight – and hopefully win – against Daemon, the only one to ever find magic more powerful than a dragon’s.

DRAGONS BEGINNING is my first novel. I’d be happy to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration, I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,


Amber said...
Is the above clearer? I left out some of the details, but tried to keep the essence.

Thanks.


150 said...The letter is terrible, but it's still not as bad as the title. Luckily both of those are fixable.

Here, I can at least gather that Robby is the main guy and that Daemon is the bad guy--although I had to look twice because saying "the evil Daemon" makes Daemon sound like a species, not a proper name.

Agree that it sounds middle-grade rather than YA.

Good luck!


freddie said...You say this is a tale of a boy and his dog, but the dog drops out of the story almost immediately. Is the Dire Wolf his dog? How does the dog play into the story? If the dog doesn't play a role in forwarding the plot, you don't have a 'boy and his dog' story. And wolves aren't dogs. Granted, wolves and dogs genetically aren't much different than each other, but a wolf is still a wolf and a dog is still a dog. Dogs came from wolves. If Mearlyn is a wolf, say so. You've got 'a boy and his wolf' story. But at the moment, that is neither here nor there because as the query stands, your story is about a boy who finds out he's half dragon and grows into his ability to use it. Mearlyn is merely tagging along in this query.

Drawn deeper into this dangerous game, he knows he must eventually fight - and hopefully win - against Daemon, the only one to ever find magic more powerful than a dragon's.

Didn't like 'hopefully.' That sentence has gotta sound like the the world's survival hinges on the duel between Robby and Daemon. That's your climax, right? If so, make it sound like it.

Boy, did I get bossy in this one.


Kiersten said...Hi Amber,
The second version is much better. While the boy and his dog opening is kind of clever, I don't think it really works in this context, as it is kind of confusing.

The second paragraph can be tightened. A lot of the sentences are fairly generic without being very informative. "Along the way he finds new friends," etc. Show, don't tell. Try to give specific examples from the story (that aren't confusing. It's a tough line to walk).

Wow, the minions are being kind of mean on this one. Writing a bad query letter isn't always indicative of writing a bad book. I find writing 250 pages of story much easier than writing two paragraphs describing the story. Don't be discouraged, Amber. Write another couple of drafts, keep at it.


BuffySquirrel said...Mearlyn? Really? What's wrong with Merlin?

Dire Wolf sounds like something out of D and D. Even if it is, you might want not to make it so obvious. Agents are wise to the D and D novel.


WouldBe said...I agree with Kiersten that the second version is improved. But a major note is missing, the reason behind the conflict: Along the way, he finds new friends and together they must dodge the evil Daemon and his monsters...Why? The rest of the (still longish) query hinges on this.

Along the way, he finds new friends and together they must dodge the evil Daemon and his monsters who know their dominion will be challenged once Robby reaches his sixteenth birthday. On that day....

(Or whatever has pissed off the Daemon.)

The dog story kick off doesn't seem to work. You're starting with a vague, milk toast comparison when the query reader is looking for something to sink his teeth into.


freddie said...I think your opening line still sounds disjointed from the rest of the query. (I assume his dog is the dire-wolf.)

Maybe change 'he' in the third paragraph to 'they' to tie in the fact that Mearlyn plays a role in the plot? Just some minor changes now would do it:

I hope you enjoy DRAGONS BEGINNING, the first book in my YA fantasy-adventure series. The novel is complete at 65,000 words.

The tale of a boy and his dog is classic. When the boy is a young sorcerer named Robby who doesn’t know he’s also half dragon, classic turns fantastic in the land of Drakos Dnal.

Robby is a 15-year-old sorcerer, who together with his guardian dire-wolf, Mearlyn, must find his missing mother. Together they must dodge the evil Daemon and his monsters. Luckily, they find new friends to help them along the way. When one of Robby’s companions, Isabelle, is captured, he has a choice - offer himself up to save her, or find her before time runs out.

With new allies, including a grumpy bard and a batty witch, Robby and Mearlyn discover where Isa is held. Breaching the tower, Robby—with Mearlyn's help— must use his wits to rescue her and destroy the tower’s evil magic.

And so on. Does that make sense? Otherwise you might want to cut the opening line to the story. Mearlyn drops out pretty quickly even in the second draft.


Robin said...I'd work on the "one sentence"...and make it a question, "What if the world's fate hinges on a boy and his dog realizing their origins...before it's too late..."

Take the original idea and make it one sentence, everything else should support it?

(Just guessing here!)


Dave F. said...If "A boy and his dog" is a classic story, why are you so determined to retell it? I wouldn't point out that the story is "a boy and his dog" without explaining why your story has a new twist or a new POV or a fresh approach.

So here's what I suggest. It's not easy, but I think you are up to the challenge. Throw that opening paragraph out. That's going to be hard to do because you invested a lot of yourself in the book and now the query, but that comparison hurts your query. You're going to have to say to yourself - SELF, my wonderful words, so carefully crafted, must be for my eyes only. It's hard to give up words you worked on with diligence and care.

I thought my opening to MetalCrack was GREAT, WONDERFUL, PERFECT. Go look at the bottom of the comment line and see the new version. I took an ax to it and chopped away. I made so many changes that they are still bleeding into the body of the story. You don't have to do that much. I'm a real rat-bastard taskmaster on my own writing.

So where does that leave you?

"A 14 year old wizard's apprentice, powerful in his own right, discovers he is master of a fire-breathing dragon and will soon be heir to the throne.

That's one opening.

The last of the dragon-lords, 14 year old Robbie, has lost his dragon, lost his mother, and is about to lose his throne.

That's another.

Start with a sentence about Robbie's struggle -- to gain his power and the dragon's freedom.

Saving the kingdom is a side benefit. Think about that. Robbie is first a kid grounded in the plain, unmagic world. Suddenly he finds out his mother is missing in a house fire (adjustment), he's a dragon master (adjustment), and he's heir to the throne (adjustment). Those two adjustments are sufficient for one kid's struggle. If he saves himself and reunites with his Mother and the dragon, then he has accomplished all you can ask a boy of 14. At least all you can ask in a query where you only have a few hundred words.

How does Robbie grow up? How does he come of age? What lesson does the YA reader take with him/her at the end of the book. There is your query.


Phoenix said...Hey Buffy: The Dire Wolf was a large wolfen species that lived around the time of the Ice Age, I think. They have a display of them at the La Brea Tar Pit, if I'm remembering correctly from my visit there many years ago.

Pete: A Boy and His Dog -- definitely not MG. Neither the short story nor the R-rated movie. I remember sneaking into it underage and breezily convincing my dad that the slugline "A kinky tale of survival" wasn't at all what it seemed to mean.

Deep breath, Amber, and give it another try, keeping in mind where the minions appear to be having problems with the query. Start with your rewrite, which is, as Kiersten says, much clearer than the original, look to tighten it some and to give us a little closer look at Daemon. Sleep on it for a day or two if you need to, then post it up. We'll wait.


writtenwyrdd said...Please take out the boy and dog reference. It's truly not beneficial.


Jeb said...Chiming in here (or piling on) to add that trying to sell a series from a first-ever novel ups the bar against you.

If you can pull interest in this one book without mentioning 'series' (or even 'series potential'), then the agent is in the happy position of asking for more. And you want agents asking, whether it's for more pages or more books in a series.

Ditch the 'series', seriously. At least in the query.


Sarah Laurenson said...Dire Wolf, tar pits, yep. You remember correctly, Phoenix.

I wonder if it would help to write a long query, include examples, then cut back a little at a time. Trying to be cute at the beginning doesn't seem to be passing muster here. And it uses up precious words that you might need to get the meat of your book across.


Amber said...Thanks to everyone who commented. I am going to have to sit on this for a day or so, then look over my new version and see what I can do with it.
I guess I really missed the mark, and I'll remember in the future that a query isn't a short, confused synopsis ;)

I appreciate all the feedback, it does help - even the tougher ones :)

I did want to say, I really fudged up on one part of the query because my MC is born and raised in Drakos Dnal, not here.

So, I need to make that clearer too.

I will figure it out, and put up another version by Wednesday.

Thanks again,


Sarah Laurenson said...Here's my bleary-eyed, late night suggestion:
Dear Whatsyername,

In the land of Drakos Dnal, 15-year-old sorcerer Robby, his guardian dire-wolf Mearlyn, and the new friends they meet while looking for Robby’s missing mother must dodge the evil Daemon and his monsters. When one of their companions, Isabelle, is captured, Robby has a choice - offer himself up to save her, or find her before time runs out. Breaching the tower where Isa is held, Robby must use his wits to rescue her and destroy the tower’s evil magic.

Robby is shocked to discover the true secret of his family’s past. Not only is he the heir to the throne, but also, on his sixteenth birthday, he will inherit dragon powers – great magic and the ability to shift form. Robby realizes he cares about saving not just his friends and family, but Drakos Dnal itself. Drawn deeper into this dangerous game, he knows he must eventually fight – and hopefully win – against Daemon, the only one to ever find magic more powerful than a dragon’s.

DRAGONS BEGINNING, complete at 65,000 words. is my first novel. I’d be happy to send you my complete manuscript for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration.


wendy said...Okay, I have to admit that I'm a big fan of being able to describe what your book is about in one sentence. Then you can expand it into a controlled query message.

Also, there are too many peple and creatures in this query for my taste. I want to see the world acording to Robby. I want to see how he will act upon his world.

Your second try is better, but cut cut cut!

Sorry that's a little harsh. Clearly there's a story here I just can't find it...yet. Keep trying!


Julie Weathers said...Amber,

You've already heard the most important things. Query writing isn't easy.

You give a condensed version the whole story in a synopsis. In a query, all you're trying to do is intrigue the agent enough to ask for more.

Using the Snowflake Novel Writing method helped me a lot. It's meant to help people write novels, but it's also a good way to break down a finished novel so you can pick out your important points. He posts the method on his blog by that name.

First thing you must do is work on a good lead, whether that be one or two sentences. You simply must have an intriguing, clean opening.

Then a short paragraph hitting a or a few high points with a minimum of characters and action. Think of it as back cover copy or a movie trailer. They show the bits that will draw someone in.


mb said...Amber, the query's not all that bad -- you can probably use bits of it. The second version does compress the plot, which is good. What is really missing for me is any sense of why I should care about Robby. The plot elements all sound kind of standard fantasy -- so make sure you tell us why Robby's different. What's at stake for him? What drives him? What does being half-dragon really mean? Has he always had a strange ability to breathe fire, or unusually scaly skin? What does being heir to the throne mean for him -- has he always had control issues? You only have one or two sentences to make his character clear, but you really need to convince us that Robby is unique, or the book will look like a generic-fantasy clone.

Anonymous said...Amber, you said it exactly right. The query letter and the synopsis are completely different things. You don't have to cover everything in the query letter, and you shouldn't. You don't even have to tell how it turns out. You just have to make your story interesting, to the point where an agent might actually want to know how it turns out. Of course, writing the query well always helps.

I agree with the other poster that summarizing your book in a single sentence is GREAT practice for boiling down the essence of your plot. Like Dave said, we're all in love with all of our own words but nobody else will be (well, he was far more eloquent than I was).

Face-Lift 1095

We've already played Guess the Plot with the title, in Synopsis 35 below.

Original Version

Dear Agent:

This is a story of two dozen lovable flower-pickin’, slow-dancin’ thrill-seekers. [Actually, this is a query letter, not a story. Change "this" to "Fairfield."] [Also, I didn't get the idea from the synopsis that they're thrill-seekers.] They’re so friendly you’d hardly know they’re dead. They’re just waiting for the scoundrel who stole their space in the graveyard. [This suggests they're waiting for him to confront him; if they're waiting for him just so he can take them to their resting places, no need to reveal he's a villain at this point.] Meanwhile, the sign on the cemetery gate is clear: Sorry, full up.

It’s far from a zombie story, but a warm sort of mystery. [Save that sentence to open your last paragraph; here, it's interrupting the plot.] Jay Hughes, the protagonist, is mysteriously deeded an abandoned hotel in his old home town. He and his associates open the place and, as they do, they inadvertently free the souls of people Jay knew as a child, people he thought were long ago dead.

But, the Old Ones begin to emerge on the front steps of the dilapidated building, chatting, laughing, complaining. [At least dump the red words. Better yet, dump the sentence. It isn't important information.] As Jay learns who deeded him the building and why, he runs headlong into a web of intrigue, deceit, and possibly murder. [Was there a murder or not? If so, no need to say "possibly," even if Jay doesn't know it yet. An actual murder is a major drawing card if you're calling this a mystery.] And he discovers he's coming back to Fairfield for a reason -- to help the Old Ones find peace. The Old Ones aren't much help. After all, they're dead, and only a few of them are vaguely aware of that. [I'd drop those last two sentences. You want the plot summary to end on something important, not a minor detail.]


Obligatory biography not included here. I see no need to evaluate that unless you really don't believe I am a hit man for the Aldruvian family from the Planet Verdi. [Biography is not obligatory.]


Notes

So, is the scammer still alive, or did this all go down a century ago?

If only a few of the Old Ones are vaguely aware they're dead, why are they waiting for the scammer to come back?

It's possible the fact (as mentioned in your comments on the synopsis) that this is based on something that happened to people you know would be worth mentioning after the summary, assuming you mean they were victims of a burial plot scam. If you mean they came back as ghosts, I wouldn't bring that up.

Normally you want to open with your protagonist. Everyone will assume he's the protagonist, and you won't have to call him the protagonist. I've rearranged your information below. You have room to add another sentence here or there, but it needs to be something that will help spur interest in reading the book, not some trivial fact that doesn't advance the plot.


Jay Hughes is mysteriously deeded an abandoned hotel in his old home town. He and his associates decide to renovate the place, and as they do they encounter people Jay knew as a child, people he thought were long dead.

The "Old Ones" are so friendly you’d hardly know that they are dead. They’re just hanging out, patiently waiting to be taken to their resting places in the graveyard. But the sign on the cemetery gate is clear: Sorry, full up.

The Old Ones were victims of a burial plot scam, and someone doesn't want the truth to come out. As Jay learns who deeded him the building and why, he gets caught in a web of intrigue, deceit, and murder. And he discovers he's come back to Fairfield for a reason -- to help the Old Ones find peace.

Fairfield is a completed _____-word paranormal mystery. I'd be delighted to send pages at your request. Thank you.

Synopsis 35

Guess the Plot

Fairfield

1. Patrolman Zeke Martin is first on-scene at the Fairfield Inn by Disneyland. Zeke knows two things: the victim is very dead and he’d better … uh … no wait … the paramedics just revived the victim. Zeke doesn't know anything. Maybe that’s why he’s still a patrolman after twenty-seven years. Also, a talking motorcycle.

2. Fairfield. A sedate Los Angeles suburb in the 1970s. Home to dentists, accountants and housewives, each in full-blown midlife crisis and living a life of quiet desperation except for the occasional extramarital affair. Yes, it's literary fiction.

3. Two divorces and three kids later, Lynda's facing imminent eviction. However, her fortunes take a leap forward upon catching her manager, Harold, snogging fellow cashier, Jerome. Her botched attempt at blackmail ends with Jerome dead. Suicide in the butcher shop? All is not well in Fairfield.

4. The only thing that keeps the predatory cattle in Fairfield from making manburgers of occupants from neighboring realms is an udderly delicious drink called True Milk, produced by Bessie Teatsfull Enterprises. But when contract renewal time comes up, Bessie demands top fodder, or she ain't putting out. Will mankind be ground? Or will cattle just continue to suck?

5. Jay Hughes inherits an abandoned hotel in Fairfield, and sets out to have a look. Turns out the building is now occupied by a bunch of old people. Did I say old? I meant dead. Long dead. Once Jay realizes they're just ghosts and not zombies, he has only one priority: collecting all that back rent.

6. Fairfield was known as the armpit of the rust belt until Barry Carpenter came to town. Suddenly the place is shaping up. Crime is down, the streets are clean, everyone's happy. But now Barry Carpenter is threatening to leave and take the town's children with him . . . unless Joelle Stewart marries him.



Original Version

SYNOPSIS OF 'FAIRFIELD'

Jay Hughes has been deeded an abandoned building in his old home town of Fairfield, a nondescript little town on the outskirts of nowhere. [If you can't tell us what it's on the outskirts of, no need to mention outskirts.] Jay’s living in Indianapolis and has no use for the place [Which place? The abandoned building or Indianapolis?] and no idea why he’s suddenly gotten so lucky. [Hard to believe you can be informed you now own a building with no explanation.]

Mulling his problems, [Do his problems have anything to do with the plot?] he learns that the building was formerly owned by Deenie Rafton, [This sounds like something he would learn while investigating his acquisition rather than while mulling over his problems.] an old woman who may or may not have died a mysterious death. [Can't that be said of anyone who dies?]

So, Jay and his young associate, Mal Brown, set out to see what’s inside the old wreck.

When they arrive, the eerie calm in Fairfield isn’t particularly frightening, but it is odd. They kick open the front door and find disrepair, aging rotted boards, a few pigeons and a lot of dusty memories.

And an old woman, who’s happy to see Jay again after all these years.

As the intrigue continues, [Hang on. Did Jay know the old woman? Is the intrigue the fact that she seems to know him, or the fact that he owns the building with no explanation?] with each trip, Jay meets still another old-timer who’s happy to see him, glad he’s come to fix up the hotel. [He's fixing it up? I thought you said he had no use for the place.] After a few more trips, the trend continues. [The trend is that one new old person is in the place each time he returns?] Finally, more than two dozen old people are around, milling about, [They're milling, and he was mulling. Are you sure this building wasn't a mall?] all just being here and there. [All just being here and there? That isn't helping us.]

There’s a connection. [Between what and what?]

When Jay and his new love interest, Carmella (also Mal’s aunt) begin to dig into the story, they learn that the Old Ones are long dead, but have materialized – awaiting space in the cemetery annex.

The convoluted paper trail takes them to what could have been investment fraud, trickery, deceit and perhaps murder. The Old Ones aren’t much help. They remember something one day, forget it the next.

With each trip, Jay and his associated learn more about the dilemma. The Old Ones are waiting until the annex opens. [You said that already.] Their souls are patient. Even Ron Patterson is awaiting the return of his body from Southeast Asia.

Deenie Rafton had made a connection and was, in her death, helping the Old Ones find their way to peace. Jay and Carmella eventually learn the truth, through the help of an old couple living in Jay’s boyhood home. [The end? Do they do anything? Complete the annex? Fix up the hotel and let the dead live there? Investigate the annex fraud and bring the guilty parties to justice?]


Notes

There are too many words and not enough story. Your setup is: Jay inherits an abandoned hotel and discovers that it's occupied by ghosts. Seems they were tricked into buying plots in a proposed cemetery annex that no one intended to build, and now they're hanging out in the hotel, patiently waiting for the annex to open.

Now you have plenty of room to tell us who the villains are, what happened (including the murder, which I assume was Deenie's), what Jay plans to do to make things right, what obstacles he must overcome...

If that's not your story, if the story is just finding out what the ghosts are doing in the building, I don't see how that's enough to carry a novel.
 

The 7th Annual Oscar Awards Guess the Plot Feature

Below are the titles of this year's Oscar Award nominees. Your job is to guess which plot description is the real one. The fakes were submitted by EE and the Evil Minions. A true film buff should have no trouble getting all nine.



Les Miserables

1. A history of the French people, from Robespierre to Gerard Depardieu.

2. A group of runaway slaves struggle for survival in Paris.

3. Prisoner 24601 escapes and creates a new life for himself, caring for the daughter of a factory worker and frequently breaking into song for no apparent reason.

4. They were the most effective Marquis of the French Resistance in WWII. They hid in the forest. They slept on the ground and foraged for food. Rarely did they have a hot meal or a bath and went weeks without washing their clothes. No wonder they were known as . . . Les Miserables.

5. Prison janitor Jean didn't think his life could get worse. Of course that was before becoming a hostage in riot-turned-jailbreak for which everyone believes he's the mastermind.


Beasts of the Southern Wild

1. It's bad enough living in the south in the summer, but when global warming causes the ice caps to melt, unleashing an army of prehistoric creatures, it's time to head inland.

2. Frat house screwball comedy featuring nerds and jocks and boozing and cheerleaders and zombies.

3. Werejavelinas, werepossums and weredillos- in 3-D!

4. A group of runaway slaves struggle to survive in the hostile Everglades, pursued by hunters and alligators.

5. Porter the porcupine is worried. For three years, rains rarely come. The forest is dying and the woodland creatures are thirsty. One night, Porter sees colored lights in the northern sky. Taking it as sign, he organizes the mammals and birds. They begin a long trek to the northern rain forest. Also, a proselytizing vegan who won’t shut up -- so the cougars eat her.



Amour

1. Hitchens has quietly harbored his affection for Calista for four centuries, sure a gargoyle can't convince a saint he wants more than a one-night stand. When they catch Father Francis obsessively scrubbing stains from the altar, Hitchens grasps for his chance at...Amour.

2. A gripping tale of love between two slaves as they struggle against their oppressive masters.

3. Amour's parents named her in the heat of the groovy sixties. When she loses her job as an accountant for a denture-manufacturing firm and the bank forecloses on her suburban Houston home, Amour is forced to move in with her parents on the commune while desperately searching for another job.

4. A heart-wrenching story of two people in love. What more needs to be said? Oh, right, no sex scenes. Which is probably a good thing, as they're both in their 80s.

5. When their woodland is cleared for a shopping center, Molly the mole and Porter the porcupine are made homeless. Older than the other creatures, Molly and Porter team up. Each has abilities the other lacks. By the time they are settled into a new woodland, they are deeply in love. Can this illicit bi-species love last through the rigors of new homes, new friends and old age?



Lincoln

1. A group of freed slaves build a new nation in Nebraska, and name it after the president who freed them. It never amounts to more than one town, and they move to Texas after two years.

2. Abraham Lincoln survives the assassination attempt, and struggles with his views on capital punishment: "Sure, no one died, but this guy tried to kill me! Either he hangs, or we at least make him my slave."

3. President Abraham Lincoln must decide whether to end the Civil War or keep it going long enough to ram slave emancipation through congress. Think The West Wing, with Honest Abe playing the role of Jed Bartlet.

4. Twelve year old Lincoln Larsen leaves home to commence her physics degree and faces a predatory professor. She has an unexpected ally in an escaped human-extraterrestrial hybrid.

5. After heart surgery, Vito enters the convalescent hospital for several weeks. High school buddies Sam and Jack ‘borrow’ his Lincoln land-yacht for a joy ride to Florida. When they have a flat, they open the trunk and find two corpses sealed in plastic. So, Vito Gambino is one of those Gambinos. They can’t go to the police but if they don’t they might wind up in a car trunk.



Argo

1. Jason and the Golden Fleece, as told by his snarky ship, Argo. Argo would like nothing more than to lounge around the docks and frolic in the bay with the other ships. But that jackass King Pelias sends Jason and his band of Argonauts – ancient Greek for Keystone Cops – on a quest for some old furry rag. Argo has a low opinion of people, and thinks even less of mythical creatures like centaurs and gods -- especially that nitwit Poseidon.

2. The CIA and Canada collaborate on a film called Argo. It's sort of a film within a film, with both films called Argo. Both films are a huge success, though only one of them is a box office blockbuster.

3. A sudden nationwide outbreak of chicken pox leads to dramatic shortfalls in cornstarch supply. Shady deals at Argo Corn Products leaves line engineer on the hook for more than lumpy gravy.

4. An adorable little garter snake argues with his brothers and sisters about whether it's safe to explore the hole in the garden fence.

5. When six-year-old Johnny doesn't return after heading into the swamp on a quest to find what he terms an "argolator," the sheriff's only clue as to what might have happened to him is a partial recording recovered from a pile of gator doo with Johnny's voice saying, "Wow! I just found me an argo--"



Silver Linings Playbook

1. Sure every cloud has a silver lining, or so Joe's been told, but when you're a backup quarterback for the Jacksonville Jaguars, sometimes it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

2. Former slave Silver Linings writes the first book of defensive plays for Harvard football--just in time for the big game with Yale.

3. If every cloud has a silver lining, then Seattle is the champion. So its newest high school’s team nickname is The Silver Lining. When coach Bud Adams retires from the NBA, he goes there to try out some revolutionary ideas. The Silver Lining win nearly every game but their playbook is stolen just before the state championships. Can the Lining win if the opponent knows all of their secret moves?

4. On the vaporous world of CumuloNimbulex, Thunderhead, the captain of Cloud Team 9, has finally come up with a stratusgy that should let him win the coveted silver medal at the Cloud Olympics. If only he could get the rest of the team to stop goofing off and be cirrus.

5. Recently released from a mental institution, Pat feels he can manage on the outside without medication solely by healthy living and looking for the "silver linings" of every cloud that rains on him. His goals: get his teaching job back and reunite with his wife. The latter one won't be easy, what with the restraining order.



Life of Pi

1. Bound by her sorority blood oath, Teresa lies on the witness stand to protect fellow Pi, Shayna, from life imprisionment. Detective Malarkey knows a fish story when he smells one.

2. It's rough being the shortest kid in the class, but Pi has a good comeback for the kids who laugh and say he's only three feet tall: Actually, asshole, I'm 3.14159 feet tall.

3. Traveling from India to Canada to start a new life, a shipwreck leaves Pi on a lifeboat with a zebra, an orangutan, a tiger and a hyena. Three guesses who gets eaten first in the struggle for survival.

4. Pie, the horse from National Velvet, breaks away from mankind's domination and goes on a journey to find himself. He even learns to write his own name--almost.

5. When he played the game, he was the best third baseman ever. But his fame was made with his bat. He hit over .300 ten times and never struck out more than 28 times in a season. For fifty years Pi Traynor kept a daily diary. This biography is based on that diary and reveals how his love of Pie resulted in his memorable nickname.


Django Unchained

1. A year in the life of indie rock group Django Unchained as they tour and inflict their noise on unsuspecting bar patrons around the country and fail to either score a recording contract or any female attention.

2. The Normandy invasion fails and gypsy jazz guitarist Django Reinhardt organizes the resistance to the NAZI occupation of Belgium. At night, Django’s jazz band entertains SS-SD officers. Plying them with hard liquor, the group’s girls get their secrets. Then they strike the Gestapo offices and NAZI supply depots.

3. Django's romp through Compton reunites estranged cousins Sheeq and Luce on the eve of a gang war. Also, clowns.

4. A dentist gives up his profession to become a bounty hunter, buys the freedom of a slave named Django, and trains him to be his deputy. Carnage ensues.

5. When Mrs. Dja Dja Django agrees to a little handcuff hanky-panky with husband Djo Djo, she doesn't know he's going to get a sudden urge to make a run to the beer store...with the handcuff key still in his pocket...AND GET PULLED OVER! Boy, is Dja Dja ever going to show Djo Djo where to put that key when she gets unchained!


Zero Dark Thirty

1. George discovers odd marks on the old oak, realizes that they are signposts for the Underground Railroad and knows that he and his family must leave for Canada now.

2. Playwright Zero Jones attends tryouts for his new musical. There he sees Angelina. She's stunning, young and sings like an angel. Zero is in love. But he's fifty, short and overweight. He pays a witch to cast a spell. Instantly, he's tall, trim and young. He has 30 days to win her heart. Can it last when he reverts to himself?

3. A group of neighborhood kids like to play Army, but they have to be safe indoors by what Billy calls "zero dark thirty." Their plan to eliminate nightime will leave the real military wishing they'd kept a better eye on their uranium supplies.

4. In an experiment to determine whether a movie's title has any bearing on its success, an Oscar winning director uses a random word generator to title her latest film.

5. One woman is confident she knows the location of the world's most wanted terrorist. The men aren't so sure, but to prove her wrong and humiliate her, they send a SEAL team in. Turns out she was right. So of course the guys try to take credit.



Answers below


Fake Plots were submitted by
Khazar-khum, Mr. Furkles, EE, James, Jo Antareau, AA, Anon



Answers

Les Miz  3
Beasts...1
Amour....4
Abe........3
Argo.......2
Pbook....5
Pi...........3
Django...4
Zero.......5

Face-Lift 1094

Guess the Plot

Imogen and Leander

1. When the body of controversial octenagarian female impersonator and cabaret singer Leander 'Imogen' Sullivan is found half eaten by his 36 cats, homicide Detective Zack Martinez knows two things. One, the cats didn't pull the trigger on that 9mm, and two, he'd better get their Burmese Dazzy some catnip, just in case.

2. Brash Imogen's distaste for men changes that magical night she encounters Leander in the college library. Who can argue with destiny, right? Apparently Imogen's mom, Eunice. She sees Leander for who he really is: her long-lost son.

3. Priscilla, Penelope and Constance are all in love with handsome new Rhode Island Red Leander. But all he wants to crow about is plain little Imogen. Will their love continue unruffled, or will the old hens use the pecking order to break up the love nest?

4. Imogen, a gerbil belonging to Mrs. Brown's 3rd grade class, conceives a passion for Leander, the white mouse who lives in a cage atop the dictionary case. But with Maxwell the python in a fishtank on the radiator between them, how can they ever be together?

5. Seventeen-year-old Imogen marries Leander Thurston, handsome owner of Kerrigan Meadows Plantation. Imogen loves Leander but is horrified by his treatment of his slaves, so she embarks on the dual life of loyal plantation mistress and matron of the Underground Railroad.

6. When Princess Imogen's evil stepmother finds that Imogen has married Leander, instead of her stepbrother Claude, she goes on the warpath. Imogen and Leander both flee the kingdom. Unfortunately they flee in opposite directions and have no more contact with each other.


Original Version

Dear Agent,

Between a banished husband, a negligent father, an evil step-mother, a brutish step-brother, and an impending war, [I hate opening with a list.] things [Things? What things?] are getting almost too much for sixteen-year-old Princess Imogen to handle. [You're better off dumping this sentence.]
When fleeing to an enemy nation looks like the best available option, one cannot deny that things have gotten truly disastrous. [This is going to suggest to the reader that fleeing looks like Imogen's best option, when in fact you're talking about another character.] But when King Cameron of Greater Dale [Greater Dale is a terrible name for a kingdom. Unless they named it that to annoy the people of neighboring Great Dale, in which case it's fantastic.] discovers Imogen’s marriage to his ward, Leander Dulac, he banishes him, leaving Leander no choice but to flee north to the enemy Hill Lands. [Fleeing from whom? When the king banishes you, instead of imprisoning or beheading you, you are required to leave the kingdom; being hunted down isn't part of the deal.] Imogen finds herself alone [Define "alone."] in a Court ruled primarily by her cruel step-mother, Queen Atia, who hopes to force Imogen to abandon her husband and marry her step-brother, Claude, and a father so under his wife’s sway that he is trying to force the match and does not comprehend that his country will not survive the upcoming war with the Hill Lands [That's the name of the place? Hill Lands? Is that what the people who live there call it? I recommend going with Great Dale.] that Queen Atia proposes. [Those last two sentences have so many characters and complications, no one's going to stick with the story.]
However, when her husband’s new friends abroad persuade him that she has betrayed him, Imogen suddenly finds herself with only one ally either at home or abroad.  With the help of her friend, Imogen fakes her death and flees south to the Forest of Fae. [How come Leander had no choice but to flee north, but Imogen can flee south? When you're fleeing, you choose the route, and the pursuers have to follow. If I'm Leander, I'm fleeing to the Forest of Fae, not the enemy Hill Lands.] [Also, what's with all the fleeing? I want to read about characters who stand their ground. All the characters we're supposed to like have gotten out of Dodge.] [Also, are you really fleeing if no one's chasing you? The whole point of faking her death, I assume, was so she wouldn't be chased.] Luckily, she falls in with a companion who can keep her alive, even if he cannot stop her from trying to return home to prevent a war.  The same war Leander, convinced he has caused Imogen’s death, has returned to his homeland to die in. [It's Romeo and Juliet, but with fleeing.]
Hopefully, they’ll be able to save their homeland and each other. [Yuck.]
IMOGEN AND LEANDER is a 55,000 word YA Fantasy novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration,


Notes

This needs to be simplified. Get rid of everyone who isn't essential. Especially Claude. No 65-word sentences. No lists of more than three items. It's better than these things usually are when I tell people to start over, but start over. Focus on the main plot, which seems to be this:

When Princess Imogen marries Leander, the king's ward, Queen Atia is enraged, as she had other plans for her stepdaughter. She has Leander banished from Greater Dale.

Friendless in the court, Imogen fakes her death and heads south to the Forest of Fae, hoping to find Leander, not realizing that Leander fled north, where the enemy Hill-Landers are preparing for war with Greater Dale.

Word of Imogen's death reaches Leander and he returns to Greater Dale to fight and die defending his homeland. But Imogen is also making her way home, hoping to prevent the war. Can the two of them hook up and flee the kingdom before all hell breaks loose?


Work with that, but don't add any names.

Evil Editor Classics

Below are a few "De-motivational Posters" that appeared here in 2008. If you'd like one of them blown up to wall-size to place in your writing room for inspiration, let me know.
















Credits
Resignation: Paca; Delusion: Kiersten White; Others: EE; 
"Aspiration" photo: Misscarrion; "Class" painting: Evil Jr.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Expedi- tion Between Two Worlds

1. Holly's goal for high school is singular: become one of the cool kids. Having made the cheer squad, she's well on her way. But as she looks back on what she's giving up--including the girl who's been her best friend since fourth grade--she begins to wonder if her new world is worth the sacrifice.

2. Dr. Edward Malone's team of archaeologists discover an ancient interdimensional portal and find themselves in a strange world of prehistoric creatures. Mistaken for members of a lost environmental assessment team, Edward and his people must find a way to keep the high-tech Kollons from consuming every natural resource on the planet.

3. A geographer and his nineteen-year-old daughter set out on a 500-mile horseback ride to explore backcountry of the American southwest. After dealing with peevish animals, saddle sores and unpredictable weather, they run out of water. Will they die of thirst before they find a working divining rod? Probably.

4. Carly always knew that she was a man trapped in a woman's body. But just as she decides to take the surgical plunge to become Carl, she discovers she's pregnant. She has nine months to decide--will she make a better mommy or daddy?

5. Megalomania and agoraphobia don't mix, and Hank 'The Swank' Closetsniffer treads the fine line between life as an exuberant belly dancer and intern #2396645r with aplomb. When Sally the Go-Go dancing manic depressive discovers him in a karaoke bar, his future hinges on a single synaptic knob.

6. A decade after the death of his wife in a tragic sculling incident, border patrolman Clint Fujimaki still believes she was murdered. The serial killer known as "The Drowner" hasn't sunk a victim in years, but when illegals begin bobbing up in the Rio Grande, Fujimaki has a sinking feeling that his wife's murderer has returned.


Original Version

Dear Ms. Agent:

EXPEDITION BETWEEN TWO WORLDS will be a narrative nonfiction book which will retrace the route of the first American military incursion into Navajo country in 1849, shortly after the U.S. occupied New Mexico. The book will examine the political and cultural positions of Navajos and Anglos, past and present, and give Navajos opportunities to express their perspectives. ["You subjugated my proud ancestors more than a century and a half, and now you want my perspective? Bite me, pal. How's that for perspective?"] Their views are often overlooked since, in general, history is written by the victors. [History written by the losers might be more accurate, but it would have a lot more f-bombs.]

The Simpson Expedition, named after its leader Lt. James Simpson, is significant for several reasons.

1. It was the first American exploration of the vast land of the Navajos,

2. The United States made a noble, but naïve, attempt to end raids between New Mexicans and Navajos,

3. Navajos assessed the "New Men" and exhibited remarkable forbearance in the face of provocations, [This list is dullsville already. Throw in specific examples of provocations, concentrating on massacres, torture, and hidden camera stunts.]

4. Americans stumbled upon the extensive ruins of Chaco Canyon (larger and better preserved that those at Mesa Verde) and the sublimely beautiful Canyon de Chelly, the Navajo heartland, and

5. The expedition yielded a clash of cultures where values, objectives, and political systems were totally different and incompatible.

I propose to ride on horseback with my nineteen year-old daughter, [Are you sure your horse can handle that much weight?] accompanied at times by Navajo leaders, scholars, and other tribal members, [My God, that poor horse!] along 500 miles of the route taken by Simpson. [500 miles? That's like riding a horse from Maine to Virginia. And then the horse dies like in Gone with the Wind and you have to walk all the way back. And your daughter's okay with this? How many ways has she tried to get out of it so far? When I was nineteen I would have found some way to get out of a two hour car ride with my parents. I suggest you leave immediately, before she comes to her senses.] The journey will explore Chaco Canyon, Canyon de Chelly, El Morro (also called Inscription Rock because of the carvings made on it over thousands of years), [I don't care how old they are, carvings in rock lose my interest after about three minutes.] and Blue Bead Mountain, renamed Mt. Taylor by Simpson. [He should have renamed it Bluebeard Mountain and turned it into a pirate theme park. He'd be as famous as Disney instead of an obscure footnote in history.] It is sacred to Navajos as the site of creation of the Diné, the Navajos' name for themselves. [They thought we'd be nicer to them if they had a French-sounding name.] [Didn't work. Turned out we hate the French even more than the Navajos.]


The book will:

1. Examine the attitudes of both nations in 1849 and the present,

[Attitude of the Navajo Nation, 1849: Friggin' Anglos.

Attitude of the Navajo Nation, 2008: Friggin' Anglos.]

2. Demonstrate the outlooks of young people in both cultures as my daughter makes acquaintances with Navajos her age, [So that's why you're dragging her along. Keep an eye on her or you might end up riding home with a papoose.]

3. Provide striking photographs and vivid descriptions of spectacular landscapes, ruins, and rock art few people see, and [When I think of rock art, I'm inclined to think of stuff like this.

Not: 



4. Convey the adventure of traveling across roadless backcountry, dealing with fractious animals and unpredictable weather, hunting for water, and unusual encounters (from both perspectives) between Navajos and Anglos.

[5. Be given free to anyone who shows up at my place for weekly slide shows of the trip .]

My platform is that I was a professor of geography at the University of New Mexico where I became an ardent student of the Southwest. [Can I email you the next time I can't remember whether it's Arizona left of New Mexico or vice versa?] [I also get Alabama and Mississippi mixed up, but apparently that's not your area of expertise.] I am an accomplished photographer, and my daughter and I are veterans of long horse trips.

At your request I will provide a [more] detailed proposal. The book's length is expected to be 80,000 words.


Notes

The second list is okay, as there's not much connection among its items, but the first list could easily be converted into a meaty paragraph (or two) about the Simpson expedition. You may have to add some information to make it flow smoothly, but this is where you sell the proposal and where you show you can write. Make the expedition sound worthy of a book. That list didn't make me want to know more about the Simpson expedition.

You might consider opening with the expedition info.

Although nonfiction is often sold through a proposal, this sounds like something they'll want to see the goods on before making a commitment. It's not clear what you're going to come up with. If you can arrange to get attacked by a Navajo war party, it would help.


Selected Comments

Dave F. said...You are selling not a dry historical novel, but a passionate trip back into history by an expedition traveling the path of the Simpson Expedition. And you are covering the trip from the perspectives of (white european) Scholars, Navajo tribe members, and the youth of America as typified by your daughter. It is the expedition that gives this a new perspective rather than being just another history book. Hopefully, you will gain new insights into the meeting of two cultures. or possibly, make that meeting of cultures accessible to a wide audience.

So I guess I'm saying, you need a bit of emotion. You need a bit of wonder. A touch of showmanship. After all, New Mexico is breathtaking country and the Navajo had a magnificent culture.


Anonymous said...This is a test comment. If it appears, then I'll know that EE has been censoring my comments for stupidity, and I'll go away!


150 said...I'm no editor or agent, obviously, but this sounds like a thing where you should just do it and then see what's worth writing about, rather than expect someone to want to pay you upfront for your summer vacation. Your platform IMO doesn't warrant that.


writtenwyrdd said...I think this has 2 problems. First that the trip should be accomplished first. Second that you probably need some bona fides that are tied in with the book. Being a geography professor and accomplished photographe are indeed relevant; but they don't come across as bona fides in the letter.


Khazar-khum said...Want to know the Navajo perspective? Why not go to, say, Window Rock and talk to people?

Why does this have to be an elaborate endurance trail ride for you, your daughter, and some horses? Too often these 'adventure into history' trips become a disaster, with the horses suffering at the hands of well-meaning but clueless riders.

I'm with 150: I don't want to pay for your vacation.


Wes said...Don't confuse endurance riding with trail riding. Endurance riding covers 100 miles in ten hours, and I have no desire to do that. Trail riding is leisurely. I can't very well take pictures and talk to people doing endurance riding. Window Rock is on the way from Canyon de Chelly to El Morro. I would have appointments there, because that's the seat of the Tribal government.

And EE is right. It's 528 miles from Kennebunkport, ME to Alexandria, VA.

Yes, mishaps happen. While packing in to hunt elk, one of my group was pitched off his horse and broke his hand. He lived, and two surgeries later his hand is almost as good as it was. Avoiding problems or dealing with them will supply tension in the book. There will be problems; there always are with large animals.


Khazar-khum said...wes, I know the difference between trail rides and endurance rides.
But to cover 500+ miles in a reasonable amount of time, you will have to do a bit more than 5-8 miles/day. Especially since there may not be any horse-friendly spaces between destinations.

You might talk to the Navajo tribal leaders, and see if they might be able to recommend some trails/roads for you. That way you could perhaps offer a vista of a land remote from the typical destinations of Chaco or de Chelley.


Wes said...I don't want to take roads. There are none east to west, except where Simpson crossed the Chuska Mountains and named the pass after his commander, which still pisses off the Navajos because they had named the pass after their primary chief who was killed by Simpson's men 15 minutes after he signed a treaty with Simpson's commander.


Talpianna said...The thing is, this has pretty much already been done by Douglas
Preston, one of the founding members of the Long Riders Guild as well as a bestselling novelist--see CITIES OF GOLD and TALKING TO THE GROUND. He didn't cover the exact same ground, but he seems to have pretty well covered the subject.
http://tinyurl.com/4v7m6a


Moth said...How do you KNOW there will be "unusual encounters (from both perspectives) between Navajos and Anglos" how do you KNOW }ou can "Demonstrate the outlooks of young people in both cultures as my daughter makes acquaintances with Navajos her age". You just seem to me to be putting the cart before the horse (if I were feeling clever I might write a pun about your trail horse and a cart but my brain's not working so I will refrain) and taking a lot on faith. This sounds more like a memoir-type book and as I understand it publishers will buy the book before you've written it, but why are they going to buy it before you've even done something worth writing about?


BuffySquirrel said...This sounds like it's something I should be interested in, and yet the query leaves me cold. Maybe because nothing's happened yet.


Phoenix said...Hi Wes! Isn't memoir and narrative nonfiction (NNF) like fiction in that the agent/editor expects the work to be complete before submitting? Since NNF relies on great voice and, well, narrative, I would think you need to demonstrate both before anyone would be willing to gamble on your work. Especially with your platform. Sorry. Professorship isn't really very strong.

As for the query, remember that the emphasis on NNF is on that first N. It's the story. And it's obviously difficult to talk about the story when you have just a vague idea of what that story will be.

My take (though I agree with Moth's cart-before-the-horse assessment):

When Lt. James Simpson swept through Navajo country in 1849, the U.S. Government's noble but naive attempt to end hostilities between New Mexicans and Navajos ended in [bloodshed]. The infamous Simpson Expedition served only to highlight the incompatibility between the values, objectives and political systems of the Anglos and Navajos.

EXPEDITION BETWEEN TWO WORLDS, a proposed 80,000-word narrative nonfiction book, will explore the repercussions of that culture clash in 1849 and the consequences that continue to linger today. The book will tie the rich history of the Navajo heartland to the present through the eyes of Navajo leaders, scholars and other tribal members I'll be interviewing as I ride the same 500 miles Simpson rode across the desert Southwest.

Fractious horses, unpredictable weather and spectacular landscapes will no doubt punctuate the route as well. An accomplished photographer, I will capture the mysteries of locations such as Chaco Canyon, Canyon de Chelly and Inscription Rock as seen today and describe their importance as Simpson would have known them 160 years ago.

The perspectives of my 19-year-old daughter, who will accompany me, along with the insights of modern Navajo youths [still living on the reservation], will provide a sense of where Navajos see themselves headed as a people: assimilated into the Anglo world or [continuing to cling to a culture nearly unrecognizable as the one Simpson's Expedition left behind.]

As a past professor of geography at the University of New Mexico and a veteran of long trail rides, I can tap a wide audience who loves history as well as ones interested in horseback adventures and all things Southwest.

The prologue and first chapter are attached. [I'll be making the trip this summer, and can have a complete manuscript on your desk by September.]


Wes said...Marvelous, Phoenix!!! That's wonderful writing. It's a huge improvement over mine. Can I steal it? Better yet, wanna ride along? I'll get you a great quarter horse.

Wes said...Talpianna, Thanks for the tip about the Long Riders Guild. I was not aware of it. It's website is impressive.

There is room for more books in this general area. I've read Preston's CITIES OF GOLD. In fact it was one of inspirations for this project. Preston focused on Coronado, who in my opinion should have one of the hottest corners in hell. Yet the uninformed in the Southwest still revere him. My project would have significant differences. The two expeditions are over 300 years apart (1849 vs. 1540), and because Simpson's was so recent (comparatively speaking)there will be much more oral history. Add different countries sponsoring the expeditions, different goals, different tribes, different, more beautiful country, extensive ruins, and there will be enough differentiation.

I've not read TALKING TO THE GROUND, but I ordered it. It's currently out of stock at Amazon.


Julie Weathers said...Wes, I lived on some Indian reservations when I was younger. Still love going to pow wows. This would be a marvelous experience if you do it.

As we discussed, my editor at the magazine packed into the mountains and followed a herd of wild horses, writing articles about them. She sold them to a wide variety of publications, including some eastern and European magazines and did quite well.

You might think about doing an abbreviated version of this and selling magazine articles. Then you have a platform to build on.

I think it would be fascinating, but I like Indians, horses and history, so it's right up my alley.


Wes said...Julie, Thanks for the encouragement. I agree that doing a short segment of this, even if it's by 4WD, will be beneficial as a demostration to publishers and to prepare for the main journey. I've done several trips of a hundred miles or so, but five hundred miles will add more challenges.
I'm sure your editor had fabulous experiences riding with wild horses. My daughters and I rode with a herd near Grand Junction. It was alternately beautiful, thrilling, and scary. Having a stud come roaring off the side of a mesa to face you off gives pause. One thought I had was if I do this, I'll need to take geldings in case we run into a herd of wild horses. I've been in the middle of fights between horses when I was a kid on the farm, and I don't want to do it again.


Wes said... Hampton Sides, in his bestseller of last year, BLOOD AND THUNDER, has a brief but poignant account of part of Simpson's expedition in pp. 198-241. Simpson's journal is still in print (NAVAJO EXPEDITION, edited by Frank McNitt, University of Oklahoma Press, 1964), but it's pretty dry.

I bought some new, more detailed, maps today to plot Simpson's route. I was surprised and pleased to see the new maps use Narbona Pass rather than Washington Pass, the name given by Simpson after the soldiers killed Chief Narbona at the peace conference. This is part of a movement by Indians to reclaim part of their heritage. Some of the pueblos in NM have changed their names from what the Spanish called them to their native ones. These are but two topics of scores that could be explored on the pack trip.

Oscar Awards Guess the Plot Prep

It's almost time for Evil Editor's 7th Annual Oscar Awards Guess the Plot feature. Each of the titles below has been nominated as best picture of 2012. Step 1 is for you to submit fake plots for any or all of the titles. Evil Editor will be summarizing the actual plots, so submit only fake plots, even if you know the real plot.


Amour
Django Unchained
Argo
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Zero Dark Thirty 
Silver Linings Playbook
Lincoln
Les Miserables
Life of Pi

New Beginning 988

It felt awkward, me straightening my tie and gulping down coffee while Natalie sat at the breakfast bar in her dressing gown, sans make-up and hair awry, refusing to talk, like it was my fault.

The phone pinged to let me know I had seven minutes to get to the bus stop, and I’m pretty sure I saw her flinch. “Have a good day,” I said, as I leant over to kiss her. She turned away. “You’ll get used to it,” I added, then wished I hadn’t.

“You’ll be late.”

I pulled on my coat and grabbed my briefcase. “Have—” I started, then stopped myself. “See you later.”

I heard Natalie sigh as the door closed behind me. The first Sunday since we married we hadn’t left the flat together. The first Sunday she had nowhere to go. She couldn’t just sit there feeling sorry for herself, though. She wasn’t the only one. No married women had jobs anymore.

When I returned home, the dirty dishes were in the sink, the clothes hamper was full, and the baby was crying. Natalie was still in her dressing gown, watching some novella on the standard-issue 120-inch television.

"Glad you're home," she said, graciously pausing her program long enough to acknowledge my arrival.

"Glad you noticed," I said back.

She yawned - a wide, gaping yawn that made me feel tired down to the depths of my soul. Why, oh why, hadn't I listened to President Clinton's stump speeches? You know, the ones about women being free to do whatever they wanted if she were finally elected? We men were now reaping the wrath of all those years of female repression.

I sighed, threw a load of darks in the washing machine, put on my apron, placed the baby on my hip, and began scrubbing the dishes. Four more years, I kept saying to myself. Just four more years.


Opening: Anonymous.....Continuation: Lisa H.