Evil Editor's Blog, page 148

Face-Lift 1093

Guess the Plot

Incomplete

1. Vampire private eye McKinley Quinn is hot on the trail of a circle of illegal blood smugglers when

2. Dear Evil Editor: I want you to sell my new bestselling niovel that will crush Rowlings and Grisham and Mayer and the books by that guy who writes about Frodo. It's not finishde but I tell you ikjts the best book ever!!!!

3. In a desperate effort to win her school's Fall Princess competition, Lauren sells her soul to Esme the Demonic Lunch Lady in return for popularity. Turns out she's too popular, and wants out of the deal, but Esme has already listed the soul at an online auction site. Can Lauren win it back, or will she always be . . . incomplete?

4. A mysterious thief has stolen a single piece from every jigsaw in Tina's Toy Emporium. If Tina can't track down the thief and find the missing pieces, all the jigsaws will remain . . . incomplete.

5. Distracted with boy troubles in her senior year, 18-year-old Taylor Tyson takes an "incomplete" in biology. She can't graduate. She can't go to college. None of that bothers her . . . until she dies and an angel tells her that until she hands in those missing lab reports, she can't pass on to the afterlife.

6. Ever since the carnival fortune teller showed her the picture of her future spouse, Jennie McArny has been looking for him. But based on the picture, he's from the 1800s. Will she ever find this mysterious time traveler, or will she always be . . . incomplete?



Original Version

Dear [ ]:

Lauren Faustino's life is a living hell, which is why she sells her soul.

Her parents fight all the time. The alpha girl at school torments her. She's an excellent student but a washout in the popularity game, the only high school competition that matters. If Lauren wins Fall Formal Princess, then maybe she'll get some respect, but her chances are slim without a powerful boost. That's why she makes a deal with Esme the demonic lunch lady, who is also a distributor for Brimstone International, Purveyor of Fine Supernatural Products.

Irresistible attractiveness is fun for a while, but Lauren soon discovers the down side. While dodging stalkers, jealous classmates and a hostile Dean of Girls, she also manages to alienate TJ, her one true friend. She tries to return her purchase for a full refund and learns that all sales are final. [It was in the fine print.] Matters go from bad to worse when her soul winds up on iMart, an internet auction site.

[I would edit those three paragraphs into something a bit tighter, perhaps like this:

Lauren's Faustino's life is a living hell. Her parents fight all the time; the alpha girl at school torments her; and she's a washout in the social game, the only high school competition that matters. If Lauren could win Fall Formal Princess, then maybe she'd get some respect, but fat chance of that . . . until she sells her soul to Esme the Demonic Lunch Lady in return for a turbo-boost in popularity.

Irresistible attractiveness is fun for a while, but Lauren soon discovers the downside. While dodging stalkers, jealous classmates and a hostile Dean of Girls, she also manages to alienate TJ, her one true friend. She tries to return her purchase for a full refund, but her soul has already been listed on iMart, an Internet auction site.]

There's also the problem of her dad, a shady businessman who may have conned the whole town. The detectives sniffing around the Faustino house think so. Lauren is determined to crack the case herself, even if the answers destroy her comfortable suburban life. [Is this a subplot or the main story? Is there a connection between the two "plots"? Like maybe Lauren was already trying to clear her father or make amends to the townspeople, but now that she's soulless she couldn't care less that dad's in trouble or that the town got conned?]

Please consider my 83,000-word novel, Incomplete. [Is that the title or the current condition?] It's Faust meets Nancy Drew—with cast of crooks, posers and a savvy little monkey named Dante.

I'm the author of Snake Oil, Hustlers and Hambones: The American Medicine Show (McFarland, 2000) and High School Prom: Marketing, Morals and the American Teen (McFarland, 2012). [Change the word "Prom" to "Porn," and I think you've got a winner.] I'm currently marketing the prom book online and in personal appearances.

I've also written dozens of magazine articles, columns, essays and literary journal pieces. Publications include Health, Prevention, Stage Directions, Eclectica and Ms. Fitness. I wrote several study guides for the Center Theatre Group for use in Los Angeles high schools. I have an MFA in creative writing from Antioch University. [This paragraph isn't needed; one paragraph is sufficient as credits, and the previous one is more impressive.]

I’m querying you, Ms./Mr. [personal note here]. Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,


Notes

If the main plot is getting her soul back, the query can do without dad. Focus on Lauren's plan to regain her soul, which I assume involves bidding on it, getting outbid, finding whoever bought it, etc.

If the main plot is the mystery, cut back a bit on the soul aspect (without losing the demonic lunch lady, of course) and focus on how dad supposedly conned everyone and on how Lauren plans to clear him.

If you consider both plots "main," show the connection.

You can probably get away with the names "Faustino" and "Dante" because the plot is over the top to begin with, but it seems somewhat gimmicky, and probably isn't adding anything.

New Beginning 987

To the Admissions Board of the University of Northern California

I did not start the fire that destroyed Rio Seco High School, despite what you may have heard on the news. I did sell a chunk of my soul to a demon, but the deal was only loosely related to the disaster. I'm writing this essay to set the story straight. (If my version of events moves you to contact law enforcement, please note that I am no longer “a person of interest.”) So, for the record: I’m Lauren Faustino, and until last semester, I was a junior at good old “Rio Sicko” High in Vista View Heights, California, home of the Fighting Jackrabbits.

I have no transcript, academic history or “permanent record.” When the school burned down last December, everybody’s file went up in smoke. Every hard copy, digital file and microfiche was vaporized—gone with the Santa Ana winds. Some of my classmates are grateful for a clean slate, but not I. My hard-won 4.0 average is now one big Incomplete. Thus I stand before you naked, Dear Admissions People, bureaucratically speaking. Formless, you might say. All I have is the story I’m about to tell.

*****

Dean of Admissions, Peter Fresco put the paper down on the table and looked up. Professor Brian Markham, to his left, shuffled some papers, while Adrian Brofowski on the other side cleared his throat. Not one of them could take their eyes off the prospective student standing in front of them.

After what seemed like the longest while, the Dean cleared his throat. "Well, Lauren," he said. "This is quite unusual, but unusual scholars are the most interesting, wouldn't you say, Professor Markham?"

"Uh, hm, y-yes. Most interesting."

They paused and considered some more.

"Well," the Dean continued. "I think it's possible we may have a place for you."

Lauren relaxed and exhaled loudly. "Really? I can get dressed then?"

"Let's not be too hasty, dear," the Dean replied. "I'd like to hear the rest of your story first..."


Opening: Ann Anderson .....Continuation: anon.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Death and Taxes

1. All work and no pay. A penny saved is a penny earned. Just do it. Another day older and deeper in debt. The sky is falling. Another day, another dollar. Farmer Bob Jones deconstructs popular economic theories as he drives his combine across Kansas.

2. Jim "the butcher" Takamini has the Yakuza demanding protection money for his sushi business. Pay up or die, they tell him. But when a Treasury agent shows up at tax time, he begins to wonder if death wouldn't be preferable to an IRS audit.

3. Tax collector Ryan Conner doesn't know why no one in Colmera Springs ever pays taxes, but he's going to put a stop to it, even if it means throwing the whole town into jail. Maybe Conner would have thought twice if he'd known the truth: that the residents of Colmera Springs are all . . . zombies!

4. A glamrock tribute band from Des Moines gets attacked by a skinhead mob in the reptile house of the Amsterdam zoo. When they flee through the red light district, a chance encounter with an IRS agent and a Puerto Rican undertaker becomes their only hope of getting safely back to Des Moines.

5. Desperate for revenue, the federal government pushes through legislation that makes "you can't take it with you" legally binding. Souls are not allowed to pass on until all taxes are settled in full. But Harry Needleman would rather spend eternity in limbo than let the government get its hands on his last fifty dollars.

6. Jacqueline poisons her husband, Jerome, to collect on his $100,000 insurance policy. But getting away with murder isn't all it's cracked up to be when it turns out Jerome owes over $200,000 in back taxes. Not only that, it turns out the IRS is more irritating than Jerome ever was.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I would like to offer my manuscript, Death and Taxes, complete at 55,000 words, to you for review and consideration for representation.

No one in the forgotten town of Colmera Springs has paid taxes in 160 years. [160 years ago, no one in any U.S. town was paying taxes. The income tax became constitutional in 1913. 160 years ago, government was financed by tariffs on imported goods.] No one has ever come to collect, and no one there ever bothers to file. Toby, Danita and the other residents would rather just play a game of Eats with whoever happens by. [That they would rather play Eats than file their taxes isn't that informative, because most people would rather do anything than file taxes. Better to say they'd rather (Insert something horribly disgusting) than file their taxes.

Ryan Conner is a tax collector. Armed with rubber stamp, ballpoint pen, and his new secretary Clarice, he greatly enjoys serving notices and seizing assets. The fact that his newest target – Colmera Springs – is inhabited by zombies makes no difference. [Or does it? If you died last year you have to pay taxes on last year, but if you died 160 years ago, I think you're in the clear.] They didn't even bother to file an extension! [Of course zombies don't file; the tax laws for zombies are too strict. For instance, to take the deduction for business meals, a zombie is required to obtain a receipt from the person whose brains he eats. And don't get me started on Schedule Z, Depreciation of Body Parts.] At the first sight of Toby, Clarice is more than ready to leave the mountain town, go home and find a new job. Her boss however, never backs down, and he has the keys to the car.

Ryan ends up infected [Zombiefied. If you don't use the technical terminology you look like a hack.], Clarice and her boyfriend Nick are taken for questioning when the government steps in, and most of the zombies are shot in the head. Everyone is taken underground to the Tau Seven Research Facility.

Observations and testing quickly commence using everything from samples, [Samples of what?] to parfaits,

[Sir, we've captured a zombie. Shall we begin testing to determine how he was able to reanimate?

Later. First let's observe his reaction to a strawberry parfait.]

to ballpoint pens that attract zombies. Clarice and Nick attempt an escape that results in a cascade of system failures – effectively letting Toby and Danita out of their cells. The last survivors of Colmera Springs repopulate their numbers utilizing research personnel.

With new freedom, Toby seeks out his own ballpoint pen while Danita quickly organizes a new game of Eats. Clarice and Nick must now try and escape the facility while playing fetch for the surviving scientists who want data tapes and the UCK (Universe Creation Kit). [You're losing me.] Soon however, everyone involved – human and living dead alike – must deal with Ryan. He has succumbed to his infection, but retained his identity. As he is now both Death and Taxes, nothing stops him.

For over a decade I have paid taxes, and am well familiar with how annoying they are. I have even used ballpoint pens when needed, and the occasional rubber stamp. During my three years as a chaplain, I have also been around a number of corpses (though none have [has] walked, yet). [As a chaplain you should know enough to call them vitality-challenged beings, rather than corpses. I mean, would you speak to a group at a viewing by saying, Joe was a wonderful man and it would please him greatly to know so many of you have turned out to see his corpse?]

Thank you for your time and consideration. I would be happy to send a copy of the completed manuscript for your review. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

It should be shortened. I would ditch the part about being held captive for experiments and escaping. After the long Ryan paragraph you can say something like:

The government steps in to help clean up Colmera Springs, but for every zombie they kill, Toby and Danita manage to zombiefy two government agents. When Taxman Ryan is himself zombiefied, both humans and undead are in trouble, for Ryan is now the most unstoppable force on the planet: Death and Taxes. Can Toby and Danita somehow destroy Ryan and salvage their freedom from taxation?

Of course that Death and Taxes line is basically just a gag, but I get the impression it's a gag in the book as well. On the other hand it's pretty lame, so maybe you sould at least ditch it from the query.

The part about government experiments has a more serious tone than the opening. It seems to have switched from a comedy to a thriller. Possibly you can pull that off in the book, but I'd stick with one genre in the query.


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...Can't quite place this on my inner genre map. Which part of the bookstore do you envision it belongs in?


Megoblocks said...Thanks for the input so far. I really had a hard time trimming down the second half of the query, and I do like chopping it out completely.

A few things for clarity:
1) I have Ryan going to Colmera Springs collecting property taxes, not income. I believe this can fit the time line for the town's history, but I should read up on it more it seems.

2) The entire thing is a comedy. I did not intend the tone to shift at all, but I can see that it did in the query. I don't think it does in the book either, but it is something I'll look specifically for feedback on as it gets passed around.

3) EE - Your strawberry parfait dialog is pretty spot on - though it's peach parfait. The parfait bit came about naturally on its own when I was writing. It does actually have a reason behind it and wasn't just tossed in randomly

4) As for where in the bookstore, I'm a little stumped. I was thinking general fiction, but then books like "Long Dark Tea Time of the Soul" are in Sci Fi.


writtenwyrdd said...First off, this sounds like a romp of a read, but the letter is confusing and doesn't work for me because you seem to be trying to create a humorous tone which ends up sounding like you are making fun of the story.

I think if you revise to clarify the plot a bit and tone down the humor it will work better, because the plot is zany enough without any help.

Also, wondering if 55K is long enough for the elements you describe. Sounds like a fun read. If it were me getting this letter, I might even have asked for pages just because it sounds so weird I'd be curious.


iago said...I guess it's going to be rewritten anyway, but one thing jumped out at me: They didn't even bother to file an extension!

That line just felt like a non sequitur given what came before it.

Perhaps:

But his newest target – Colmera Springs – is inhabited by zombies; and they didn't even bother to file an extension!

Though it still feels a bit like a tax gag for the sake of a tax gag...


writtenwyrdd said...When does this take place, anyhow? Present or future?


Phoenix said...WW, I'm not sure what's wrong with spoofing the story if it's a romp anyway? Here's my go at it:
Land taxes? No one in the forgotten town of Colmera Springs has paid 'em in 160 years. But the enthusiastic new county tax collector is determined to change all that. Armed with rubber stamp, ballpoint pen, and his secretary Clarice, Ryan Conner heads up to the little mountain town for a few frolick-filled days of serving notices and seizing assets.

One look at Toby, Danita, and the other residents, though, has Clarice thinking smart and ready to backpedal out of there. Ryan, however, is determined to stay and have his fun. Besides, he has the car keys. What Clarice doesn't count on is her boss assimilating so quickly into Colmera culture. Seems one day he's salivating over a tax roll of nearly 200 land owners, and the next morning he can't salivate at all -- he's been zombified.

That's about the time the government steps in to do what they do best: turn this sleepy little zombie town into a living hell. But Ryan isn't going down without picking a few brains first. With Toby, Danita, and his other walking dead buddies, Ryan sets out to convince Clarice and her pack of walking feds that reanimation is not a choice, taxes aren't a surety and, even for zombies, death can be iffy.


Megoblocks said...Thank you all again for your input and responses. Phoenix I love the rewrite. Maybe when I finally start querying I'll just label it as general fiction as let the chips fall.

Feedback Request

The query featured in Face-Lift 954 gets yet another reworking. It's in the comments there.

New Beginning 986

I am the worm you see in the bottle of tequila. I crawled inside because alcohol smears the memories, tames the furies, and thins the blood. I embrace my fate with ever-increasing ardor but in doing so I despair of life and its impotent God. Would that I were made of stone, long forgotten and never-minded stone without care or the desires of flesh and blood.
We begin in a laboratory in the quest for money to pay for a doctorate. Professor Morgenteil paid premium rates for students because only greedy fools like me would to sell their souls and perform live experiments on chimpanzees, Pan Troglodytes.
Subject Ten succumbed to the virus early this morning. I did the post mortem and prepared the body for burial. Characteristically, its fingertips were bloody, body hair smeared with its fluids, eyes blackened, and face hollow. Ten weeks, ten failures.
“Death delayed but not prevented,” Professor Morgenteil sighed the words in his thick accent as he read my report. “The effect of the virus seems to build. First few days they’re ecstatic. It took two weeks this time for the frenzy to start and the death spiral that follows.”

Ah, how I longed to be that imprisoned and inebriated worm--actually, not a worm but the larval form of the Hypopta agavis moth--instead of a graduate student of free will, monstrous greed, and immense hairy arms (Gorilla gorilla).

"As you know," Professor Morgenteil continued with his ridiculous Propithecus pronunciations, "the next chapter of the Planet of the Apes franchise depends on this virus. Back to work." 


Opening: Dave F......Continuation: IMHO

New Beginning 985

Angba Skullcrusher quietly made her way across the Basilica to the sturdy wood door with 'Father Balbain ' printed in neat gold letters. Patting the stray hairs back in place, she gave her forest green day dress a last dusting so she would at least be somewhat presentable after the long ride. Cautiously she rapped the brass knocker.

From inside the room a man called, “Come in.”

Steeling herself for the look of disappointment, she pushed the door open. “Father Balbian?”

“Yes?” Father Balbian sat behind his desk, thick with layers of papers and books. His spectacles gave him the look of a friendly owl. “What can I do for you, miss? Come and sit with me.”

Encouraged, Angba settled onto the padded chair. Opening her bag, she withdrew her letter. “Father,” she began, “my name is Angba Skullcrusher. Tallis sent for me.”

She did not expect his reaction.

“Angba? You’re the Angba?” He stood, a joyful smile spreading from his face to his body, until it seemed as though he smiled with every part of his being. “Angba? Praise the gods! I thought I’d never get to see you. Tallis talked about you constantly. You were his pride and joy.”

“I was? I mean--I have a letter from him,” she said, handing the paper to the priest. “He wanted me to come and stay here and learn with him. I did send him a letter telling him when I was coming.” She managed to smile. “I—I’ve wanted to meet him for a long time. You have no idea how grateful to him I am for everything.”

“Oh, I have an idea,” said Father Balbain. His smile slowly drained from him.

“What’s wrong? Wasn’t I supposed to come here?”

“No, it’s not that.”

“What, then? Is it because I’m an—“

“No. no. That has nothing to do with it. Angba,” he sighed, “I buried Tallis two days ago.”

"You . . . Oh no. If only I hadn't delayed my departure . . . How . . . did he die?"

"Lack of oxygen, I'm afraid. At least I assume so, as he was still alive when I buried the coffin. The screaming stopped after a couple hours."


Opening: Khazar-khum.....Continuation: Evil Editor

Face-Lift 1092

Guess the Plot

My Deadly Prince Charming
1. Carels is a venomous vampire whose kiss kills instantly. Hessa is a were-cane toad whose skin secretes poison. Can they make each other happy, or will Hessa's Australian accent and mannerisms hopelessly offend Carels' haughty Silesian family?

2. So, like, I was lying there, and, like, these seven guys were all around and I really liked them, but not like that, if you know what I mean, so this totally rad dude comes up and he's like "What's going on?" and the little guys are like, "She's dead," and the cute guy's like, "Really? I think I can fix that," and he kisses me. What did you say your name was again? Peter?

3. A college freshman on the island Idylla falls for a fellow student who turns out to be the crown prince of a neighboring kingdom. Will she become his princess, or will she be turned off by the fact that he's only part human and is out to destroy Idylla?

4. Six years on and Prince Charming has kissed a lot of princesses, looking for the one (so he says). But not every princess is pure, and along the way he's picked up something nasty. Will mice Fennel and Chanelle help Liesl see through this noble but skanky man-slut before it's too late?
5. Eight years ago, Eleanor married death row inmate Billy Bob Wilson. When DNA evidence exonerates BB, Eleanor's sister Anna is in a race against time to uncover evidence of the murders BB did commit. Eleanor figures Anna's just jealous. Also, some POV issues.

6. Seventeen-year-old Juliette weds the Marquis de Sade. She’s thrilled and deeply in love. But the gardener keeps leering at her and one-by-one, young village girls disappear. Is it the gardener or something worse? Will Juliette solve the mystery before she too disappears?



Original Version

Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation for my 100,000 word Young Adult paranormal romance MY DEADLY PRINCE CHARMING.

What do you do when the boy you love is afraid to let you touch him for fear you will learn all his deadly secrets? [Sounds like he's gay and in the closet and came up with this "deadly secrets" line hoping to keep you around. There's no future with this guy, so show him the door, pronto.]

Upon the death of her mother, seventeen-year-old Iona flies to the Mediterranean island of Idylla to live with the father she never knew. She finds the island is a kind of modern-day utopia, a virtually crime free society filled with benevolent people. [Can you come up with better examples of what makes it a Utopia to a teenaged girl? It sounds like Stepford so far. Or just call it a modern-day Utopia and let it go at that. Or dump the whole sentence, which is irrelevant.]

One of Iona’s classmates at the University of Idylla is visiting student Prince Ariston, the Crown Prince of the neighboring island Kingdom of Perdia. The two bond over their love for Elizabethan poetry [Yep, he's gay.] and the Renaissance, and find they share a passion for reading and learning.

But not all knowledge is safe. When the island stimulates Iona’s latent powers of contact telepathy, Ariston must shun her, or risk her learning that he is only part human [Is he a merman? If so, I applaud your decision not to mention this in the query. If he's Aqualad, you probably should mention that.] and is in Idylla to take from them the very thing that makes them such a unique society. [When I think of what makes unique societies unique, it's usually something intangible, not something a merman could snatch and swim away with. Is there a reason you aren't revealing specifically what Ariston is after?]

Ariston is torn. While Iona’s ability to sometimes read his mind is a threat to him, she also starts developing the power to calm people down when they are agitated. [She takes the Superhero name Xanax, and joins the X-men.] The man with many demons to conquer realizes she is the only girl in the world who can heal his mind. [Suggested title: Mermen Versus Demons: the Mutant Wars, Book 1.]

It is only after Iona is kidnapped and nearly killed [How long after Iona finds that Idylla is virtually crime-free does this happen? Usually you don't declare a place crime-free if you've been kidnapped and nearly killed within a month of arriving.] that she discovers the secret of Idylla and must then choose between the man she loves and the country she has grown to love. Because each can survive only at the expense of the other. [I disagree. They are both torn, but if he chooses her instead of his mission, I see no reason both Idylla and Ariston can't both survive.] [Of course, a relationship in which the woman can read the man's mind is pretty much doomed from the start, especially when they hit the sheets and he inevitably starts fantasizing she's Penelope Cruz. Or Brad Pitt.]

MY DEADLY PRINCE CHARMING features a captivating, irresistible hero and heroine. [I didn't find him so irresistible. He's hiding the fact that he's not entirely human, and he's on a mission that will destroy the place. A bond based on Elizabethan poetry doesn't counter that. If he didn't need her mind-calming power he'd probably be long gone.] It captures the innocence and breathlessness of first love and the promise of a forever love. I have pasted the first chapter below.

Thank you for your time.


Notes

According to my i-geography app, which no editor should be without, Perdia is a town in the Cape Verde Islands and Idylla is a floating city in World of Warcraft. Iona, however, is an island, but off the west coast of Scotland, not in the Mediterranean.

Does the prince tell Iona she can't touch him because she'll learn his deadly secrets? If not, what is his explanation? And what teenager wants a boyfriend who won't touch her?

You don't need the second paragraph. The question is never answered, and the information is repeated later on.

You could try replacing the "captivating, irresistible" sentence with your very first sentence, and starting the query with your 3rd paragraph. This might put the paranormal aspect further down in the query than you want it, but if so, you could introduce Iona as seventeen-year-old telepath Iona. So your opening could be:

Upon the death of her mother, seventeen-year-old telepath Iona flies to the Mediterranean island of Idylla to live with the father she never knew. She enrolls at the University of Idylla, and soon bonds with fellow student Ariston, Crown Prince of the neighboring island Kingdom of Perdia, never suspecting that he is actually a merman out to sink Idylla to the bottom of the sea. (or whatever he is and plans to do).

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Finders Keepers

1. Haley McGill thinks a $100 bill she found is hers, but when her friends disagree with her assessment and beat the crap out of her for the bill, she remembers that there's a second part to the old saying.

2. The drummer for the band Finders Keepers is perfectly happy with his life--until his biology teacher's invasive blood probing experiment threatens to ruin everything.

3. In a world ruled by vampires, the few remaining humans are a precious food resource. Our heroine is on the run, trying to escape a lifetime of imprisonment as a blood supply. One hunky vampire offers to help her. But can she trust him? In the new world order, when a vampire finds a human, it's . . . Finders Keepers.

4. Arnie Bolsover is a serial burglar -- houses, shops, cars, pockets; he can't resist the urge to acquire what is not his. Eventually the full force of the law catches up with him and he is set to acquire a long vacation in a small cell. But thanks to a sharp lawyer, and a little known statute, it's discovered that "finders keepers, losers weepers" is a point of law, and when the news gets out, anarchy ensues.

5. Grandpa Finders taught grandson Seth to throw back the fish that were under the limit. When they reel in a suitcase filled with gold bars, however, it's a keeper. Problem is, drug kingpin Hiram "Meth-man" Dunderkindel wants his gold back. Can Seth outwit the drug dealing gang, or will he soon be weeping with the fishes?

6. A restaurant nearly goes out of business until the chef finds the perfect recipe--tasty men. It's winner-take-all in the culinary world as Chef Paulino scours the streets of New York searching for sweaty biceps, tender thighs and succulent livers. When other chefs demand to know his secret, will Paulino tell them . . . "Finders Keepers"?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

In Finders Keepers, a young adult novel complete at just over 59,000 words, a teenage boy struggles to merge his two worlds when the father he’s never met gains custody of him.

Street-smart and independent thanks to his two adult half-brothers, Tyson Mendel doesn’t usually mind that his mom kind of sucks at being a mom, or that he has to play the parent when she’s drunk or high, but he often feels guilty about the sacrifices his brothers have made for him. The summer that he turns fifteen, Ty’s life takes a sharp turn when the father he’s never met reappears and is awarded custody of him. [How does a guy get custody of a kid he's had no involvement with, when the kid doesn't mind that his mom sucks at being a mom? Who complained? Has he been trying to get custody for fifteen years, or is this a spur-of-the-moment idea?

Father: Yeah, I'd like to sue for custody of my son.
Lawyer: You're divorced from the mother?
Father: We were never married.
Lawyer: How old's your son?
Father: Fifteen.
Lawyer: How often do you see him?
Father: I've never seen him.
Lawyer: Why should you have custody?
Father: His mother drinks.
Lawyer: How do you know?
Father: She was drunk out of her mind the night I knocked her up.
Lawyer: Yes . . . she must have been.]

Initially convinced that he should despise his father as much as his brothers do, Ty eventually has to admit that Daniel isn’t such a bad guy, especially after Daniel stands up for Ty when he is accused of credit-card theft.

By the end of the year, Ty has embraced his new life, his brothers have moved forward with theirs, and his mom is living with her boyfriend. A few months later, though, a blood-type experiment in biology class threatens to ruin everything – the father Ty has begun to love isn’t his dad after all.

[Biology teacher: Okay students, tomorrow I want you to bring in some blood from both your parents so we can determine how many of you are bastard children.

Ty: How are we supposed to get their blood?

Biology teacher: I'm getting to that. Jenny, would you pass out the ice picks and turkey basters?]

Now, Ty is faced with a decision – betray his family by keeping his mouth shut, or tell the truth and once again become his brothers’ burden? [They've all moved on; why would they feel betrayed, even if they knew? And how would they find out?] When he chooses to remain with Daniel, Ty’s life becomes a deceptive game riddled with guilt; [I don't get the guilt.] so when his secret is revealed after his mother’s sudden death, Ty runs off to take refuge in the anonymity of the city streets, believing that it was his decision that led to her death. [What was the cause of death?] [If his living mother can stand that he wants to stay with Daniel, his dead mother ought to be able to handle it.] Longing for his family, but too ashamed to face them, [Ashamed of what?] Ty pairs up with a homeless man obsessed with scavenging discarded food. [The one thing I hate about the homeless is their obsession with eating.] There, he confronts the thing he doubts the most – his own self worth.

Finders Keepers is my first novel. Thank you for taking the time to read my query.

Sincerely,


[Origin of the title – Finders Keepers is the name of Ty’s oldest brother’s band, in which Ty is the drummer, and his brothers and cousin are the other band members. Their name for the band came about as a joke derived from the fact that all of them had fathers who were not involved in their lives, and therefore they were all up for grabs to any available dad. This ultimately becomes a reality for Ty, who finds out that even the kids who have been cast aside by a biological parent can mean the world to somebody they don’t even belong to.]


Notes

If he's gonna pair up with someone other than his family, why not the guy he's already paired up with (Daniel)? Why a homeless guy?

Does Daniel know he's not Ty's father? Who reveals the secret? Also, if Daniel has believed he's the father for fifteen years, why didn't he show up earlier?

Who is Daniel to the half-brothers? Why do they hate him?

He chooses to stay with Daniel rather than his mother. Presumably a tough decision. But when mother dies, it seems that would make the decision easier. I'm not convinced that taking to the streets and pairing up with a homeless guy would appeal more than Daniel's place. He feels if he'd stayed with mom he could have prevented her death? We need details on her death.

Wouldn't a fifteen-year-old kid be given any input into whether his complete stranger father gets custody? Is the mother present at the custody hearing?

Of course I'm looking at the situation as a rational adult, not a fifteen-year-old, but the kid is street-smart, which might indicate he has enough common sense to talk things over with Daniel or his brothers before running off.

I like the situation, but that assumes the legal part is reasonable, and that the kid isn't acting like an idiot just so you can have him learn a valuable lesson.


Selected Comments

talpianna said...I should think that most courts would allow a fifteen-year-old to choose which parent to live with. And by the time he finds out Daniel isn't his real father, he must be sixteen and eligible for legal emancipation, if not automatically emancipated (depends on state law at what age).


Dave F. said...Talpiana states Tyson's legal situation very well. I know for a fact that in New York State and Pennsylvania, children of 14 y/o have certain rights to make decisions about their finances and other matters.

I'm not sure what country the author is writing from. I know it's a British legal system thanks to finders keepers. But that's a big chunk of world.

I would make sure of the legal situation. If the actual legal situation doesn't match the story, the author can set the story in some mythical place with a consistent set of rules.

I imagine that the "medical mystery" is nothing more than Tyson is type AB, his Mother is A and Daniel turns out to be O.

Tyson is a bit old for the runaway from home because Daddy is not THIS man and you've been lied to. There must be some other "dread family secret" involved to force a kid that old out of the house. Especially if Daniel still cares for Tyson. The "still caring" also works for Tyson's brothers. Wouldn't Tyson run to his brothers? He's awfully insecure if he's afraid they'll reject him.


BuffySquirrel said...I think there's a lot of potential here, but the query doesn't do it justice. Clearing up the points EE raises would help. It doesn't work for me that Ty is street-smart and independent, yet, apparently, a very sensitive soul :).


lizr said...Okay (I’m sorry if this is lengthy!) –

First, it’s important to know that the story is told in first-person POV, so Ty’s reactions are based on what he thinks he knows, and his POV is the only one the reader gets.

Daniel never knew about Ty until Ty’s mom’s boyfriend got greedy and pressed her to go after Daniel for child support. Knowing how lax she was about her other two sons (Daniel lived with them for almost 2 years), he turned around and sued for custody of Ty. All kinds of things were revealed then about the situation Ty was in, tacked on to the fact that Mom had her other two kids taken away from her once (Daniel was the anonymous person who called CPS on her when he left to straighten out his own life). Even if Ty wanted to stay with his mom, the judge wouldn’t allow it. It was a matter of Daniel showing that she wasn't competent, rather than that he was more capable. Also, Ty just turned 15; the story takes place over the course of a year. Since Daniel was not aware that Ty existed and is now willing and able to care for him, he is awarded custody.

Ty’s brothers have never forgiven Daniel for disappearing without explanation after being like a father to them; they were 6 and 8 when he left.

When Ty finally does figure out that Daniel isn’t his father (I love the ice pick thing, heheheh, but early in the story Daniel explains in passing to Ty that he is giving blood yet again because he’s O-negative and likes to give as often as he can), these are the choices Ty sees for himself:
1. Tell Daniel that he isn’t really his son. Ty believes that Daniel will then send him back to live with one of his brothers, neither of whom is in a position to take him back without rearranging their life yet again. Ty doesn’t want to screw things up for his brothers, even though he knows they would drop everything for him (I won't go into their exact situations).
2. Not say anything, just keep pretending that he’s Daniel’s son and hope nobody figures out that he isn’t. He feels guilty because, first, he is choosing the guy his brothers don’t like over them, and second, because he’s now lying to and mooching off of this guy he really likes.

Ty’s mom is killed in an auto accident with one of her substance-abusing friends during a weekend that she asked Ty to come home and spend time with her, but he was too busy to (Daniel and Ty live a couple of hours from Ty’s mom and brothers). Ty, who is now admitting to himself that part of why he stayed with Daniel was because he liked having a normal home life, feels that if he had just moved back with one of his brothers to begin with instead of being selfish, he would have been there to keep an eye on his mom (going back to Ty-as-parent). At the hospital after her death, he walks in on a heated discussion between his brothers and Daniel, misinterprets the situation, and ends up blurting out his secret. So now, in Ty’s mind, Daniel is horrified that this teenage kid who isn’t even his has been living in his house with his two young children; and his brothers will never forgive him for bailing on them and their mom.

What it comes down to is that Ty can’t find his place in the world because he feels like he’s ultimately a burden to everyone he loves. This comes through in small ways throughout the story; insecurity about his close relationships is actually a dead-on description :).

Gah. I have no idea how to fit all of this information into a query letter!

Thanks again, EE, and thanks to everyone for the input! :) It's a big help to know how it looks to somebody else.


Polenth said...I find doing blood type tests in biology difficult to accept. AIDS concerns mean that kids can't be exposed to the blood of someone else, plus the risk of infection when removing the blood. I can't imagine many schools would risk it. All it takes is for one kid to get an infection, or for it to turn out one of the class had AIDS, and the school would be in hot water.

Of course, if the story is set in the past you can disregard that... my parents used to be given liquid mercury to handle in science classes. Science was more fun (and dangerous) back then.


talpianna said...Is there any happy ending to this story? Having read your summary, I'm afraid I wouldn't want to read the book, no matter how well written, because I get enough misery and depression just reading the daily news (not to mention real life). When I read fiction, I want to be taken out of myself in some exhilarating fashion. And if you condemn me for escapism, remember Tolkien's remark that the people who object the most to escape are gaolers.

Could you not mix it up a bit with stretches of depicting Ty being happy--making music, bonding with Daniel, perhaps getting a puppy or learning about his new home town?


December/Stacia said...lizr, that answers a lot of questions, and I think this could be a good story (although what kind of a jerk is Daniel, who is horrified that this kid who isn't his son has been living with him?) but those answers should be in the query, or at least the questions should be left out. If "a chance blood test" leads to the non-paternity discovery, for example. I figured the part about Ty's mom being declared incompetent, so I wasn't worried about that, but the thing with the brothers is a bit confusing too (in the query). JMO.


BuffySquirrel said...Perhaps it would be better to concentrate on Ty's reactions to events rather than describing the events themselves. It's less important how he discovers Daniel isn't his father than how he reacts to the discovery, for example.


lizr said...Thanks so much for all of the insights; they are really getting me thinking about better ways to get the tone of the story across in the query.

polenth – The students are using home blood typing test kits. The kits utilize a simple finger prick, such as would be used by diabetic patients, and include a small collection tube, sterile lancet, alcohol wipe, blood-type card, and laminating sheet. These kits are actually promoted for classroom use; one of the companies I looked into is Craig Medical Distribution, who offers the EldonCard. I had the students in this story take the kits home and do them there, for the reasons you noted. Once they are done, though, nobody is exposed to anyone else’s blood.

talpianna – Most of the story itself actually runs along on a happy note, with Ty settling into his new life and bonding with Daniel. After that, the underlying tension comes, first, when Ty starts feeling torn between the way he now feels about Daniel versus his brothers’ continued dislike for Daniel; and second, once that is resolved, when Ty realizes that Daniel isn’t his father. Overall, Ty is a resilient and happy kid, but the situation he ends up in draws out some issues that he has never fully dealt with, and never told his brothers about (see the explanation in my reply to december/stacia). If there is a depressing part of the story, it would be the second-to-last chapter, but Ty does get things figured out enough in his head to realize he needs to go back home. It actually does have a happy (but not perfect) ending.

december/stacia – Thanks for the comments. Daniel isn’t horrified at all that Ty has been living with him, but that is the reaction Ty is expecting from Daniel. There are a lot of things hinted at during the story that you don’t necessarily see as part of the whole until the end, but a large part of Ty’s belief that he isn’t worth much to somebody he doesn’t belong to stems from manipulative comments made to him at a young age by one of his mother’s former live-in boyfriends. The guy doesn’t appear in the story, but some of the things he said to Ty have had an impact on the way he sees himself, and on the way he believes others feel about him.

buffysquirrel – I think you’re on to something there, thanks :).


Robin S. said...Hi Liz,

I just read through this - it sounds like a really good story, and I wish you really good luck with it.

Having a 15 year old,I know their perceptions are often skewed from the adult perception of events - so I can see why Ty would take all of this and come up to a bad conclusion about and for himself.


Ali said...Hi Lizr, It sounds like something I'd enjoy reading.

Based on your follow-up comments, I'm going to make an assumption that the part of the story where he runs away and hangs out with the homeless guy takes up less space than the query makes it appear. I think maybe the query needs to give more focus at the end on Ty's mother dying (it's almost just mentioned in passing) and less to the homeless guy. In other words, this: Ty feels that if he had just moved back with one of his brothers to begin with instead of being selfish, he would have been there to keep an eye on his mom needs to be in your query. (It almost is, but "his decision" is too vague, IMO). This: Ty pairs up with a homeless man obsessed with scavenging discarded food could be omitted (from the query).

Good luck with this!


Sarah said...Have you tried writing the query in first person? You never know what Ty might say about his journey if given the chance to put it in a nutshell.


December/Stacia said...Aaah. *Nods*. I didn't think from the rest of the query Daniel sounded like the type of man who would be horrified, which is why that struck me so hard.

Maybe you want to focus more on the struggles of those two to form a family, both before and after the "discovery"? It seems to me like Ty's search for belonging is at the heart of the story.


lizr said...I just want to thank everyone again for your comments and suggestions. They are helping me so much in narrowing down the most important points of the story, so hopefully I will be able to do a better better job of conveying them in the query.

Thank you!

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

A Felony of Birds

1. An ostentation of peacocks flaunts their tailfeathers one too many times and gets whacked by a murder of crows. Even though a parliament of owls had recently outlawed hate crimes against flamboyant fowl, the crows are found not guilty after a deceit of lapwings perjure themselves at the trial.

2. After bird-crime investigator Rhoda Deerwalker breaks up a parrot smuggling ring in Wisconsin, she takes on her biggest case yet: bringing down a survivalist militia group devoted to weaponizing bird flu and killing millions. Can she make them sing like canaries, or will she be forced to eat crow?

3. Stu Slivovitz seemed to turn himself around in prison, ready to go straight after learning how to train falcons. Can he win parole before the screws figure out that he's trained his birds to hunt diamond merchants, or will he be convicted of . . . A Felony of Birds?

4. When a murder of crows and a tittering of magpies get into a turf war over Susie Wu's eucalyptus, the real winner is Susie's cat, Mittens.

5. Though indisputable scientific evidence has traced the spread of bird flu to an innocuous strain of Budgerigar, disbelieving little old ladies unite to form a cabal bent on discrediting those who have maligned their talkative avian companions. Their primary weapon: humiliating world leaders with floods of mail upbraiding them for neglecting to write thank-you notes to their grandmothers.

6. Mexican drug smugglers are on the decline . . . until they find a way to stuff their cocaine into birds. Now, a lone border guard has to unravel their plans, all while avoiding the Fish and Wildlife Service, which is on his case for shooting down endangered species.



Original Version

A Felony of Birds, 105k words, tells the story of Native American Fish and Wildlife investigator, Rhoda Deerwalker in three parts.

[Part One: The Early Years. Six year-old Rhoda feels sorry for her neighbor's Spix Macaw and sets it free in Manhattan.

Part Two: The On-Her-Own Years. Tired of squirrels cleaning out her bird feeders every day, Rhoda takes sharpshooting lessons and scans the Internet for rodent recipes.

Part Three: Living in the Suburbs. When the world's last ivory-billed woodpecker flies over Rhoda's newly washed car, she decides that in the broad scheme of things, one more extinct species isn't that big a deal.]

Book one introduces the reader to those characters that tie the separate stories together. The first story follows the inexperienced rookie cop on her first big case— a parrot smuggling ring operating from a farmhouse in a small Wisconsin town. [Is it really cost-effective to transport the birds you smuggled across the Mexican border all the way to Wisconsin?] As Rhoda gets involved with the local people, politics, [parrots] and police, the desperate smugglers turn violent as they attempt to save their criminal enterprise. [Parrot smuggling is more dangerous than diamond smuggling, because parrots can repeat anything you say and their testimony is admissible in court.]

In book two, a newly promoted Rhoda is given responsibility for policing an immense wilderness area with a small staff of her own. A chance discovery of a number of dead birds leads Rhoda first to a survivalist militia camp deep in the woods and then to a clandestine laboratory devoted to weaponizing bird flu— a terrorist plot that comes within a hair of succeeding. Rhoda's impetuousness leads to the death of her friend [What friend? Someone on her staff?] but succeeds in saving millions of lives. Rhoda is confused and takes a leave of absence from the service. [Rhoda is confused doesn't strike me as a satisfying ending. End with the millions of lives saved and start the next part with confused Rhoda.]

The third story follows a chastened Rhoda now returned to her childhood home on the reservation to think about her future. [Chastened in what way?] The presence of a casino has drastically altered life on the reservation. Corrupt indian [Indian] officials and a mob owned corporation have succeeded in stealing the money intended for the people. [The people had nothing. The casino was built, but thanks to corruption, the people still have nothing. So how has the presence of the casino drastically altered life on the reservation?] Rhoda joins a group of plotters in a desperate attempt to win the huge jackpot on [the] casino's progressive slot machine. The elaborate scheme falls victim to some unintended consequences but an equally unexpected ending puts things right. [We have our first entrant in the Vaguest Sentence of the Week competition.]

Rhoda Deerwalker is a fresh and engaging heroine. Readers are sure to find her back-story and present romantic entanglements realistic and interesting. [Better to describe the book than to gush over it. All authors think their stories and characters are fantabuloso. As most of them are wrong, editors pay no attention.] She is a complex and vulnerable woman, intelligent, brave and resourceful and in spite of a multitude of adventures, she never looses [loses] her humanity and her appeal. If this novel seems like something you would care to read, I would be happy to send you any or all of it.


Notes

An elaborate scheme to win a slot machine jackpot? Aren't there authorities they can call in if they know there's corruption?

I think if I get interested in Rhoda the bird detective, I'd rather keep reading about her ornithological exploits. Mob casino infiltration isn't a case for the fish and wildlife service's lead detective, whether she's on a leave of absence or not. The wildlife/birds gimmick is your hook, and you abandon it for a case any cop can handle.

Plus, foiling a plot that would have cost millions of lives is a major accomplishment. Making it the middle case and finishing with an attempt to win a slot machine jackpot is deflating. Book 1: parrot smugglers; Book 2: Eagle poisoners; Book 3: Bird flu terrorists.


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...A Felony of Birds, 105k words, tells the story of Native American Fish and Wildlife investigator, Rhoda Deerwalker in three parts.

Does it really, or is it telling three stories about Rhoda Deerwalker? From the query I get the impression of three distinct novellas with the same MC. It's not clear that there's a story arc running through all three "books" that tell the story of the MC.

Is there a uniting theme or thread that I'm just missing?


sylvia said...That's interesting, my WiP (which you all have seen parts of) suffers from exactly that problem: it's separate stories (which unite in the end to tell the first one). I have been trying to do a synopsis so that maybe I can get some help in trying to reduce it down but I'm not sure how.

I think this query, although it has faults, does a decent job of introducing the three stories of Rhoda (assuming that was intended).


Ello said...Consider ditching that last paragraph, it definitely does not win you any points. I think it is confusing to call them "books" as it almost sounds like you are talking about a trilogy. Instead of splitting it out into 3 stories like this for the query, why don't you summarize the entire story as one book with several plot elements told in 3 parts. Like anonymous said, you really need a unifying story arc even if it is as simple as an inexperienced cop turns into a veteran through blankety blank adventures. But I think you have a lot going on. Almost too much - especially since you are at 105K!


Robin S. said...I like the idea of the first two stories quite a bit - different and interesting. I know that linked short stories are published- maybe there are linked longer ones as well - (I just don't know).

But, could the second of your two stories simply follow on from the plot developed in the first, so that it becomes one?

The book may read differently than the query does- but I agree that the third section doesn't seem to "go" with the others. Does it connect in some way we don't see here?

And I agree the paragraph about Rhoda's personality traits should probably go - her personality can shine through from the profession she has chosen, and the decisions she makes, right?

EE, love your word: fantabuloso.


Anonymous said...If you want to write about crimes against animals, making your protagonist be an enforcer of laws protecting them is brilliant.

If you want to write about bioterrorists who intend to kill humans, wildlife protection doesn't seem to be the most apt expertise, especially in a world where the USA has something like 17 different secret agent networks dedicated to finding and squelching bioterrorists, etc. I'm guessing you found an unexpected connection to make that work.

But your underdeveloped description of the evil casino plot at the end makes it sound too incongruous. What's the connection to wildlife?

If there isn't one, maybe that plot belongs in a different book.


writtenwyrdd said...I agree with EE, the F and W agent is the hook for your story. Stick with it. You sound like you're talking about two books.
Taking down the terrorists would easily be a single book, and I think I might even read it. I just hope you avoid the bear gall bladder smuggling, which is big-business but disgusting to read about.


Sarah said...This looks to me like the story is about Rhoda's emotional growth through her first job, the loss of a friend because of her actions, and a return to the place of her childhood that isn't what it used to be.

Perhaps focusing on the emotional journey as your overarcing story might be helpful in the query instead of breaking it down into 3 parts.

I was confused by the 'books'. It does make it seem like a query for a series rather than a novel.

What I get from the query: In the beginning, we have an insecure Rhoda who is doing major OJT on the 'right' side of the law. Then for the second part, Rhoda's cockiness gets a friend killed. She becomes overwhelmed with guilt. This guilt drives her home and to some dubious activities on the 'left' side of the law. But maybe these activities serve a higher prupose for the good of the reservation?

Queries are hell!

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

One High- land Night

1. How many Highland Nights does it take to stuff a Scottish kilt? After an unfortunate wager and six pints of Skullsplitter Ale, Gregor Gilroy is about to find out.

2. Brianna is excited to be spending her vacation at a real haunted castle. But when the ghost of Duncan MacNeil appears in her bedroom, will she be ready to meet all his demands?

3. A spunky lass who couldn't keep her knickers on. A laddie with an eye for the ladies. A secret meeting, a warm night in the Highlands--what were the chances it would lead to . . . alien abduction?

4. Traveling in the Highlands, a physicist is suddenly transported 300 years into the past, and must try to prevent the notorious Earl of Breadalbane from committing the infamous Glencoe Massacre.

5. A prim English maiden, lost in the wilds of Scotland. A handsome Scotsman, who's also a vampire and can't come out in the day. Can they find true love . . . One Highland Night?

6. Due to Planet Askew's eccentric orbit, night usually falls only in the lowlands, while the highlands bask in perpetual sunshine. But once every 30,000 years, there comes . . . One Highland Night. Will Ja'na come out of hibernation to propose to Sti'su?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

ONE HIGHLAND NIGHT is a time-travel romance in the vein of Outlander by Diana Gabaldon and the Highlander series by Karen Marie Moning, among others. [No, I think the Highlander series by Ms. Moning is only by Ms. Moning.] [Also while those series involve time travel and romance, I don't believe they're so similar that a book could be in the same vein with both of them.] [Also, it's not so important to tell us whose books you think yours is like. It's a time travel romance is sufficient.] Complete at 100,000 words, it is set primarily in the Loch Awe [That sounds like the noise I make when I hack up a phlegmball.] area of the Scottish Highlands, 1691-92, and includes the historical backdrop of the infamous Glencoe Massacre.

Physicist Elizabeth Martin travels to the Highlands of Scotland in an attempt to flee the heartache of a broken engagement. Her cheating ex becomes the least of her worries when she ends up trapped over 300 years in the past, [Can you furnish a clue to how she ends up 300 years in the past? (You didn't think you were going to just slip that past us, did you?)] [Wait, never mind. You said she was a physicist, so of course she can time travel.)] pursued by the politically avaricious Earl of Breadalbane who wants to use her "Sight" to further his consolidation of power. [How does he know about her "Sight"?] Her only choice is to take refuge with an outlaw clan. [I'd divide this long paragraph into two, right here.] Despite her desire to discover a way back to her own time, she finds herself falling for handsome Alec MacGregor: protector, son of the laird, and the only person who knows her true origins. [How did that conversation go?

Liz: Alec, there's something I need to tell you.

Alec: What's that my darling?

Liz: I'm from a strange world where there are flying machines, where there's a tunnel under the English Channel, where popcorn can be made in a bag, where--

Alec: Stoke up the fire, laddies, we've got us a witch!]

Together they try to prevent the treacherous massacre at Glencoe—Breadalbane's doing— [Doesn't physicist Liz know that changing history could lead to disastrous future consequences, like Evil Editor's blog not even existing?] but Alec is captured and sentenced to death. She spends one night in his arms on the eve of his execution, [What is this, a conjugal visit? Awfully generous of Breadalbane. (I assume she didn't time travel into his cell, as earlier she was hoping to discover a way back to her own time, which led me to deduce that she hadn't invented time travel yet.)] then secretly surrenders herself to the Earl in exchange for Alec's release. When he learns of her sacrifice and subsequent death at the Earl's hands, [Why would the Earl kill her? I thought he wanted to use her "Sight."] Alec's only choice is to attempt time-travel himself to be reunited with the woman he loves. [I hope Alec's plan isn't to time travel to a day in the 21st century before Liz went back in time, because a guy showing up and . . .

Alec: Liz, there's something I need to tell you.

Liz: What's that my darling?

Alec: I've come from the year 1692, where you and I were lovers but you got murdered by the Earl of Breadalbane, so--

Liz: Say no more! Here in the 21st century we have special places where people like you, I mean us, can be happy, so let me take you to one of them.]

ONE HIGHLAND NIGHT is my first novel. I am a member of RWA national, as well as my local chapter and the Celtic Hearts chapter.

The synopsis, partial, or full manuscript are available at your request; I have included the first five pages for your review. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

It's one thing for a 21st-century physicist to attempt time travel. I'm not sure I'm buying a 1692 Scotsman from an outlaw clan figuring out how to do it.

We need to know how one time travels. If Liz could do it at will, she'd time travel out of the Earl's clutches as soon as he released Alec. In Highlander, time travel is a power of the characters; in Outlander, it's accomplished by walking between certain stones. Do your characters have any idea how it's done?

Speaking of which, when Liz offers herself to the Earl in exchange for Alec, what's stopping the Earl from keeping both of them?

Elizabeth should refer to the Earl as Beetlebrain for comic relief.

The writing isn't the problem, it's that the plot is eliciting questions that aren't answered. Answer some of them. If something's too complicated to explain, omit the material that's inspiring the question.


Selected Comments

Dave said...There is a huge time paradox here. When you leave the present for the past, you cease to be in the future. So EE is right when he points out that to save Elizabeth,

{POSSIBILITY NUMBER ONE} Alec must prevent her from going back into the past. That is, he must travel to her time before she left for his time. But if that's the case, then as a consequence, he never meets her in the past and has no reason to travel to the future. Also, If Alec doesn't travel back to the past, then he ceases to exist back there and quite possibly, he never has the confrontation with Breadalbane - - - My head hurts.

{POSSIBILITY NUMBER TWO} Alec goes into the future and informs Elizabeth of her history in the past. That arms her with the knowledge of the future that in her timeline hasn't happened yet. It predestines the future. Since if she prevents her death, Alec has no reason to time travel and hence, he never tells her of her future.

Now we have a awkward problem, at that point. She has to leave a message for herself about the two previous pasts so that when she travels back her first time, she has the knowledge of two possible futures. Because, you see, she went back and died, he time traveled and then she went back the second time, didn't die but then he didn't go forward, so she sent herself a message to return the third time knowing what happened the previous two times.

pain, pain, pain...


Jenny C. said...Author here...

LOVED #3. And "Planet Askew"...hehehe. *g*

Thanks EE. I was so worried about keeping it succinct, some of the stuff I cut out is the stuff you asked about. Go figure.

Short answer on the time travel: it's accidental, but she theorizes how and where it can happen - being a physicist, after all - and explains this to Alec. But neither can be sure it works until they try, and getting to where they need to be to do so is difficult (see the "long" answer for why).

Long answer on the time travel: it's through a wormhole which is energetically stabilized via higher-dimensional resonance with a meteoritic crystal (containing an allotropic form of diamond that happens to have higher-dimensional properties). These wormholes spontaneously form and collapse at "points of confluence" where two layers of space-time sit "near" each other. One of these POC happens to be in Kilchurn castle...which is Breadalbane's.

I do deal with the potential paradox issue.

And yeah, in the first draft I mentioned she "bribes her way into his cell" on the night before his execution. Guess I should leave that in.

I also deal with why Breadalbane doesn't just hold both of them after she goes to him to bargain.

As for why he kills her (or tries to), let's just say she pisses him off and he becomes convinced she's no use to him.

Alec does travel forward, but to a point after she's returned from his time. Though the scenario you described would be interesting, if he convinced her not to commit him on sight and then had to win her back. (Don't worry - I'm not thinking rewrites!)

I will take this all off and let it simmer, along with what the minions say, and see what I come up with. Gah, queries...

Thanks again.


pacatrue said...Whoa, whoa! The protagonist ends up (at least for a while) dead after letting the bad guy assault her to save her loved one? Is that a little... rough... for the genre, or do protagonists often die (for a while) in time travel romances?


December/Stacia said...What is Elizabeth's "sight"? Is it her knowledge of history, in which case, she's kind of dumb for spouting off five minutes after landing, or is it actual psychic abilities?

Why is her only choice to take refuge with an outlaw clan? Why doesn't she travel back? You need to address this.

Also, this is a romance, which means the conflict between the romantic leads needs to be paramount. Telling us Elizabeth meets Alec and they fall in love doesn't tell us what the meat of the story is. If it's only external issues keeping them apart (being captured, etc.) then the book won't work as a genre romance. There must be an internal conflict, a reason aside from time travel or mean old Earls why these two people do not believe they can be together. It's probably in the book. It needs to be in the query, right up front.

I also agree about changing the past. A modern physicist would know that no matter how much she might want to, it's not a good idea.

When you say she "surrenders herself to the Earl", so you mean turns herself in (which I don't get, because isn't she right there in Alec's cell?) or that she surrenders herself, which could be kind of hot. But again, not strictly genre romance.

And yeah, why does the Earl kill her?

All of this needs to be in the query, but the conflict of the romantic characters is the most important thing. There must be something that keeps them apart aside from the plot.


BuffySquirrel said...I think this suffers from the usual problem of the time-travel story--we can anticipate that the attempt to prevent Glencoe is either going to fail or cause some kind of changes "upstream", as it were. Maybe play down that aspect, and play up the romance angle? How do the lovers even communicate?


jenny c. said...I don't know what the protocol is for how many times I can comment *g* but I'll keep plugging away until someone says "shut that girl up!"

I do appreciate all the comments/questions raised, because it helps me see what I need to do to make this understandable.

I think one thing that is tripping people up is: Elizabeth doesn't actually die. From Alec's POV, she does, because that is what he is told. But then he comes to believe she traveled back to her own time instead, and goes looking for her there. I tried to leave the mystery in as a "hook", but maybe I should clarify that.

I'm going with a (self-consistent) "causal loop" explanation. As a character says to Elizabeth at one point: "You canna change the past, you can only do what you have already done." Therefore, Elizabeth's memory of the history of Glencoe includes her own actions, though she doesn't know it beforehand.

Or, to borrow from the Matrix, "What's really going to bake your noodle is...how many would have died if she _hadn't_ been there?"

I'm actually a physicist myself, so I'm trying to work these things out, I promise. *g*

To answer December/Stacia, yes, her "Sight" is her knowledge of history. The Earl confiscates her possessions when she pops up in his castle, and these include the notebook in which she's been writing down the historical trivia from her trip to Scotland.

She can't travel back at first because she's not sure how it happened, and then once she figures that out (or guesses) the only place to do so is inside the Earl's stronghold. She takes up with the MacGregors after she flees the Earl the first time, so getting back to travel without being captured is a tricky proposition.

I will play up the romance conflict. Some part of her knows she has to go back, and for a while she still thinks she wants to get back together with her ex. Also, Alec has to make a good marriage for land and dowry and alliance, since his clan is having hard times. Elizabeth, as a "coigreach" (stranger/foreigner) doesn't have the status to marry the Laird's son. That changes once he's a convicted outlaw and about to be executed.

To answer buffysquirrel, yeah, I guess I played up Glencoe to highlight the historical background (and the research I did for it) but I'll change tack in favor of the romance. As for communication, Alec - being an educated man of the time - speaks English, French, Latin, and Greek in addition to Gaelic. Elizabeth has to learn Gaelic to communicate with most of the rest of the clan, but the educated members of his family can speak to her in English.


Anonymous said...Can you furnish a clue to how she ends up 300 years in the past?

Weren't you paying attention? She went to Scotland.


Robin S. said...Time travel is appealing as a story line, and I can't imagine that changing.

Being able to step back in time is, I think, a human desire as old as "if I only knew then what I know now", and/or the yearning to relive (and change) your own personal past, or could find a literal or figurative /restorative fountain of youth.

I think you've chosen an interesting departure point for your story- events surrounding the Glencoe Massacre. I love Scotland -and I love men in kilts.

I wish you luck with your manuscript.


mb said...Author, I agree you need to work some of the explanations back into the query. But I wouldn't worry about all the "Grr- I hate time travel" comments. Some people do hate it, but many folks love it (I do), and as long as you either don't bring up stuff that's too complicated to explain, or explain it concisely, it should be fine. I forget -- did you mention in the query that you're a physicist? 'Cause that would give you some credibility.


Bernita said...I'm a firm believer that the main purpose of time travel is to ensure the future-present, not change the past-present. A re-living, as it were. To avoid the infinity of a time/being, recursive, Heideggerian fugue, and other phenomenological exercises, I just have a time traveller conclude, somewhat cursorily - because she's to busy to do otherwise - that she must with what is.
Since your time traveller is a physicist, she naturally would speculate on the mechanics, and so you don't have an easy out.


blogless_troll said...Short answer on the time travel: it's accidental...

Long answer on the time travel: it's through a wormhole which is energetically stabilized via higher-dimensional resonance with a meteoritic crystal (containing an allotropic form of diamond that happens to have higher-dimensional properties).

Is the long answer explained in the book? To me, the long answer suggests there is someone or something behind it. It seems a convoluted route to take if in the end it's accidental, especially in a romance. Unless finding and using the crystal is how Alec travels to the future, in which case it's not accidental.


Ali said...Overall, I thought it was a good query, though I agree with some of the changes already mentioned (a non-scientific clue about how she time travels, clarity about the fact that she doesn't actually die at the hands of the Earl). Something's been nagging at me, though, and I might be completely wrong here but it seems like time travel back to Scotland has been done. I'm thinking that a publisher is going to need to see something extraordinarily unique about this book as compared to the others. So, instead of saying "in the vein of Outlander and Highlander," which basically emphasizes the fact that the idea's been done to death (sorry)--tell us what distinguishes your book from those. What makes it not a copycat?


Evil Editor said...Excellent time travel books that aren't heavy into science of time travel:

The Chronoliths
The Door Into Summer
Replay
Pretty much anything by Connie Willis


BuffySquirrel said...The Door Into Summer is one of my favourite books ever. I love the bit where it's 50/50 whether he travels into the future or the past, and he ends up in the nudist colony. Hilarious.

Heck, never mind the time travel, just put in a grouchy cat :)