Evil Editor's Blog, page 150

The 2012 Face-Lift Awards

364 days a year Evil Editor judges your work. Today is your annual oppor- tunity to critique EE. Below are the nominees for Best Face-Lift. The query letters themselves are not part of the criteria, nor are the minions' comments. Basically, you're ranking EE's contribution, and the main criteria, as always here, is humor.

Click on each link to read the nominees. Then on the BALLOT, open the score box and give 5 points to your favorite, 4 for 2nd place, etc.

Face-Lift 984

Face-Lift 999

Face-Lift 1008

Face-Lift 1029

Face-Lift 1032


Create your free online surveys with SurveyMonkey, the world's leading questionnaire tool.

Synopsis 34

Guess the Plot
Fire and Ice

1. It's like rock paper scissors, but there are only two items. Fire melts ice, ice puts out fire. Rarely settles anything.

2. Volcanologist Ginny Rains knows that under the glaciers of Ranier lies a magma chamber waiting to explode. No, wait, she's thinking of her hunky massage therapist, Rainier Lourdes.

3. Warm-hearted Noa is a Samoan fire juggler. On an international cruise he meets Sedna, a gorgeous Inuit vixen. When a violent storm flings them overboard they find themselves stranded on a desert island. Can Noa keep them both alive and melt Sedna's icy heart, or is love between them more unlikely than their chances of being rescued?

4. Aoal Aoalbjorn, an eager young attorney in Reykjavic, is given a career-making case -- sue Disney Corporation for infringing Iceland's "Land of Fire and Ice" trademark. But soon seven shadowy figures are trailing him, muttering Hi-ho, Hi-ho-micide. Can Aoal's knowledge of trademark law and Krav Maga keep him safe?

5. When demons from hell attack an ice-bound town, Jenna and her friends flee. The demons follow. Desperate, Jenna's friends theorize that the demons are actually after Jenna, and not them.

6. Kieran Keene quits Fire Robinson’s Rock-N-Blues Band and takes his sax to Ice Coffee’s Bluegrass Revival. Once again mutilated groupies are found – this time near Ice Coffee’s venues. Now Kieran suspects Ice and enlists Fire’s help to expose the killer. But hot detective Mary McRae is on the case, intent on proving Kieran’s guilt.

7. John Bound, Agent 005, is relegated to office duties while agent 007 gets the prestige assignments. Bound -- John Bound – has a plan to frame that prissy Bond. He conspires with the head of French Intelligence. But Bound is betrayed by a Bulgarian being blackmailed by Bond. Can he clear himself or is it life in solitary for John?



Original Version

Jenna and her friends are living hard but peaceful lives in the far-flung, snowy town of Cirrus. The circle consists of six close friends, who like everyone else who lives in the isolated town, have chosen to abandon their pasts and start over as far away as possible. They’re all running from different things: Jenna from the scorn she faces for marrying an elf, [Time out. Give me a minute to recalibrate my thinking from litfic to fantasy.] Quael; Danath from a string of selfish decisions he made after losing his family to war; Shea from the ghosts of her parents; Thane from his haunting past among his people, the dwarves; and Geth and Bretton from their constant persecution for their sexual orientation. [Are they both men or both women or is one an elf and the other a dwarf?] Still, they all seemed to have found happiness in starting over. [Is the elf part of the circle? If you run away to the far-flung town of Cirrus to escape the scorn you face for marrying an elf, the least you can do is bring the elf along with you. If the elf is part of the circle, why isn't he one of seven close friends?]

But their peaceful lives are shattered when a group of demons descends [If you just say "when demons descend", you won't have to worry about whether "group of demons" is singular or plural.] upon Cirrus. As members of the town guard, Jenna and her friends throw themselves into battle and are successful in fighting off the attacking horde. [I'm sure there's a good explanation for how these characters are able to repel a horde of demons. I suppose it's a horde of incompetent demons who've consistently been driven away by humans until they finally got together and said, We suck at this, why don't we attack some far-flung snowy town where everybody's a loser, just to build our confidence, and then we can come back to civilization and whip some ass, except now it turns out they can't even demonize six clinically depressed people who've totally given up on life.] Although the demons are pushed back, the city is not without casualties, the most painful of which are Jenna’s husband and children. As she and her friends struggle to swallow the pain, they set out on a journey southward to find supplies for the devastated town. But the first town they come to, [Cumulus,] Nocht, denies them any aid, saying they simply have nothing to spare. The group decides [Avoid the decide/decides decision by saying "The Cirrusians decide..."] to send home what few supplies they can scavenge or buy, and continue onward to the much larger town of Selliswyth in search of real help for Cirrus.

On the road between Nocht and Selliswyth, a surly elf named Ethos joins the group. Having been heading to Cirrus in search of Quael, he’s upset to find out that his quarry is dead, but tentatively decides to stay with Jenna and her friends as they continue south. When Jenna can no longer hide the fact that she’s pregnant with Quael’s last child, Ethos becomes rather protective of her. Upon reaching Selliswyth, the group again finds [find] no aid for Cirrus. As they contemplate their next move, [Note that you've referred to the group as "they" rather than "it", possibly suggesting that a plural verb is best.] the band of demons attacks [Hmm. I'll let you have "attacks," although I doubt minions from across the pond will be so generous.] again, forcing the seven friends to flee the city. Believing it unsafe to return to Cirrus, the group continue[(s?)] southward down an isolated pass through the harsh mountains. As they journey, they slowly come to realize the demons are in fact hunting them down – specifically, Jenna and Quael’s unborn child. [I get the impression Ethos could have told them this from the get-go, rather than let them slowly realize it.] [When you're being tracked by demons, what clues lead you to the conclusion that they are after one member's unborn child?

Shea: We'll never outrun these demons.
Danath: If only we knew why they want to kill us all.
Geth: Maybe they don't want to kill us all. Maybe they just want to kill one of us. By which I mean one of you.
Bretton: Maybe they're after Jenna's unborn child.
Thane: Then it's settled. We leave Jenna behind and see if they quit hounding us; if they don't, we'll assume they're really after . . . Geth and Bretton.
Geth: You bastard! How do we know they aren't after you?
Thane: Hey, I'm not the one with the perverted sexual orientation.]


Notes

A synopsis should carry the story beyond this point. If you're trying to keep it short, we can do without knowing what each character has gone to Cirrus to escape. You could refer to "Jenna and the other members of the town guard," rather than naming each of them. Jenna, Quael and Ethos are the only characters whose names appear more than once; maybe they're the only characters you need to name.

While the part of your book you've summarized here may be a substantial part of the story, I'm thinking the most interesting part of the story is what happens after they realize it's the unborn kid being hunted. So give us some of that. How do Jenna and others handle knowing everyone's in danger because of Jenna's child?

Collective nouns have complicated rules, at least in the US. Whether you give them a singular or plural verb depends on whether all members of the group are acting as one. For instance, you'd probably say, A bunch of children are swimming in the pool, even though the subject is "bunch" and not "bunches." The children are all swimming, but they're also doing their own thing. But you'd say The synchronized swimming team is practicing in the pool, because they're all doing the same thing as one. (Unless they're the Australian synchronized swimming team.) In Britain, they like plural for everything. For instance, note that in the caption below this photo of the Russian synchronized swimming team, the verb is plural, though the swimmers are all celebrating as one. If those Olympics had been held in Chicago rather than London, it would have been a different story. Whether you get it right or wrong, there will always be people who think you got it wrong, so don't worry about it too much.

I would go with The group decide, not decides, as I'm guessing more than one viewpoint was expressed, and agreement was reached through a discussion or a vote or one person acting as the loudmouthed big shot who has to get his way.

Interestingly, adding an "s" to a noun usually changes it from singular to plural, while adding an "s" to a verb usually changes it from plural to singular.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Dragon Sword

1. After rejecting Elf Quest, Wizard's Spell, and Knight's Tale, a young fantasy writer comes up with the most clichéd title imaginable.

2. A mistake in transcription of an ancient text sends treasure-hunters on a wild goose chase for a sword when what they should be seeking is the Dragon's Word.

3. In this genre-busting fantasy, a motley crew searches the countryside, dodging supernatural creatures, to find the long-lost Dragon Sword needed to defeat the Evil Lord and restore happiness to the land. Also, shockingly, a young sheep herder turns out to be heir to the kingdom!

4. When a California man gets a pixie pregnant, he has no idea his action will soon lead to his life being threatened by an evil little man. Also, dragons. But no swords.

5. Orgadon The Brave is about to set out on a quest for the Dragon Sword when it is brought to his attention that there are plenty of Dragon Swords already in the village, namely in the library.

6. It has a blade twenty feet long and a grip designed for giant claws. Mildred Trout daydreams about the strong, handsome knight the sword must belong to, but is in for a surprise when the real owner shows up.


Original Version

Dear E. Editor:

What if pixies were real? What if they weren’t at all like Tinkerbelle, and what if they weren’t little blue creatures from Cornwall? What if pixies were almost without exception female and found their mates in the human world? [What if pixies were so good at golf, they could all beat Tiger Woods? What if I kept asking you questions about pixies for an entire page, and it turned out my book was a cold war spy thriller?] The trouble and mischief would be overwhelming, and the romance would be unusual.

Dragon Sword is an 82,000 word fantasy with a strong romance sub-text. [I'm tired of terms like "strong romance sub-text." Why not just say, with sex scenes so hot you'll be compelled to stop reading and polish your own dragon sword every few pages.] It tells the story of Sha’na, a pixie princess, and her mate Robert. [Maybe you should change her name to Sha Na Na. Nah.] It is set in and around a small lumber town in Northern California. Most of the action takes place just after World War I. The story is told in the voice of their daughter, Sha’el.

Robert denies Sha’na’s reality. When she is ready to seal their mating [That's another phrase I hate. Can't you just say "hit the sheets," or "absorb the pancake batter?"] he says, "You’re not real." She offers her touch as proof. He says, "And I suppose dragons are real too." [Shouldn't she have this converation before considering sealing their mating?] Indeed they are, though she tells him griffons and phoenixes are just mythological. He asks with some irony if they’ll see a dragon. She suggests that’s unlikely. Dragons don’t like to be seen. But, they will see one and its child. [You have less than a page to give the plot of your book. Is this conversation that vital?] They will fight to save the dragon kid. [Goats have kids; dragons have geicos.]

Robert and Sha’na mate [and name their child Rosh-hashanah]. Robert is drawn into the world of pixie pregnancy. Pixie gestation is two weeks and involves "the hunt." [The hunt of what by whom?] [Does the hunt involve a sword? Just asking, because there's a sword in the title.] Sha’el explains that human males usually have about thirty-eight weeks to adjust to being a father, But Robert has only two weeks, and they’re filled with the unexpected. He has no time at all to adjust to the idea of a daughter born talking and flying. [You just sad he had two weeks.]

Hiding a pixie family is imperative. An evil little man accuses Robert of kidnapping a child. He misunderstood what he saw, and thought Sha’na a child. [Out of curiosity, who's bigger, Sha'na or the evil little man?] She’s about four feet tall, average height for a pixie. [Four feet? What's the difference between a dwarf and a pixie? First LOTR has elves that are much bigger than dwarfs, and now it turns out even pixies are bigger? I hope we don't find out Tom Thumb was actually five feet tall, or there may be a revolt by dwarfs who want to be considered bigger than somebody.] There will be more trouble if they stay in the little town where Robert lives. He jumps at the chance to take his family into the forest. When his boss asks him to track timber-thieves, he hauls his family off to a forest cabin. [How hard can it be to track timber thieves? They're the guys carrying trees.] [What occupation has "tracking timber thieves" as part of the job description?]

Sha’el can talk to animals, including Robert’s horse, Daisy. Her mother shrugs it off as "early." Sha’el and Daisy become fast friends. Their adventures make up a significant part of Dragon Sword. [A pixie child and a horse have adventures that take up much of the book? Is this book for adults? On the other hand, a strong romance sub-text might not appeal to the kiddies. Who's your audience?]

Fred, the evil little man, ["Evil Little Man" was comical enough. Naming him Fred makes it even funnier. If you want him to be evil, name him Mordok the Bludgeoner.] [If you want me to request pages, consider making Fred the evil little man the main character of the query. For that matter, make him the MC of the book.] plagues them. He tries to kill them. [With a sword?] But Fred is just a small [little] evil [man]. There is worse. [If Fred is trying to kill me, I'll worry about the worse evil later.] The conquest of the greater evil brings Sha’el into her own. She saves her father. [With a sword? Is there a frigging sword in the book? Because I'm thinking you didn't see a lot of people carrying swords around in California in the 1920's.] To end the more malevolent evil, they journey to the Home Forest. We meet Pixie culture head on.

I have a background in history. I’ve drawn on ancient cultures and myth to create a unique and well developed pixie culture, though I present it sparingly and as part of the story. I also have a family background in the timber industry and a connection to Westwood, the little town around which much of the action takes place.

There is much in Dragon Sword that I intend as subtle humour, including "riffs" on fairy tails. [I knew dragons had tails. Fairies do too?] [Wait, are dwarfs bigger than fairies?] If you’re a parent, you’ll probably see much in the pixie children that will remind you of your own.

May I send sample chapters or the entire manuscript?

Best regards,


Notes

When Fred sees Robert with Sha Na Na and assumes Sha Na Na is a child rather than a pixie, why does he also assume she's been kidnaped? Is it so unusual to see a man with a child?

I didn't get a sense of what the main plot is. Or rather I got the sense that the main plot is the fight against the greater evil, but that we've spent all our time talking about dragons, pixie gestation, Evil Fred, and Daisy the horse. What's the greater evil, how is it threatening Robert and the pixies, and what's their plan? How far into the book do we get before learning about the greater evil? I'm worried that much of the book might be a series of events that involve these characters, but have nothing to do with the main threat to their world.


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...This letter is waaaaaay too long and has waaaaaay too many unimportant details.


braun said...I kinda like the whole pixie pregnancy thing. The whole idea that you can marry a pixie and that their gestation involves some sort of quest and that you have to hide them and things like that... cool. But the query was definitely confusing and needs polishing.

Anonymous said...I'm willing to believe the book is better than the query, if you really do a good job of mixing real-life lumber town and pixie issues. But the query is a mess. What's the central plot? What is the book really about, in ten words or so? Start there. Don't bring up details that don't bear on the plot or require more explanation than you can fit into the letter. For me personally, I'd be more interested in how the whole lumber thing relates to it -- that's the part that isn't typical pixie book.


Malia said...The query was definitely confusing with too much irrelevant information. However, I think the concept has merit. Tighten and focus, Sha'el. And "Fred, the little evil man" just slays me!!! LOLOLOL


writtenwyrdd said...I think the query isn't actually a query letter. You need to step back from teh world building mode and think about what, exactly, the characters are doing, and why the reader would want to read it.
The idea does have merit, and could be a fantasy story worth reading. You just don't show the important plot elements here.


Zombie Deathfish said...At the risk of offending someone (namely the writer) how old is the person who wrote this? It sounds like something a young person wrote. Really young. Too young.

Too much unnecessary detail about who said what to who about which monster now, and just generally rambling and confusing.

I like the whole pixie-mating-with-human angle, but the confusing child kidnap stuff was lost on me.


pacatrue said...To jump on the bandwagon, I think there's a good fantasy story to be told with pixies and a California lumber town just after WWI. The problem from the query is that I really don't know yet what the story is. This does sound right now like a string of interesting scenes instead of a novel. I bet what you have written is better. So try identifying the main character very clearly - is it Sha'el or Robert? - and saying what challenges he/she faces and what happens to the MC as a consequence. Every other detail, from pixie culture to gestation to the horse Daisy to the sword, if it furthers this central plot. The agent will discover that your story is richer than that when they read the partial. Right now your only job is to get them to read the partial.


Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...Good comments. Thanks.

There is no hot sex in this story. It's muted, and I'd be comfortable with a 14-year-old reading it. They make babies, but I don't tell all the steamy details. I figure most of us know how babies are made, but I could be wrong. Few know a thing about pixie pregnancy. So I tell that story because it's fun and sets up the relationship between pixie and husband. (They are married, too. Pixies frown on fornication. Fairies are the whores of the paranormal.)

Yes, there is a sword. They don't search for it. They know exactly where it is. My main character drops it and skewers the thing attacking her papa. It's kind of like a barbecue but without the fire.

No, it's not like the books you've mentioned. Not even close.

I'll rewrite the thing. However, as messy as my query is, it's gotten me two partials and a full out there being read.


Anonymous said...Well excuuuuuuuuuuuse us. Were you just looking for reassurance then?


Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...Don't be silly. I know this needs improvement. I want to send out my best. Query letters are a wicked write. I came for the advice I got.
And you, my dear, are quite rude.


Kate Thornton said...Pixie sex. It sounds like good Scrabble, but the plot confuses me. And I'd like to see a more inventive title - with all the imagination this author has, I'm sure a quirkier title could be had.

Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...Dragon Sword is a working title. Originally it was Pixie Warrior, but everyone thought there was some huge war. Only one human dies in this story. I thought of Irrational Pixie. It's a line from the story. I've thought of lots of things. None tell what this story is about.

Are there familiar things in it? Oh, certainly and on purpose. I make gentle fun of lots of stories like it. There is even a slight touch of Red Ridding Hood. You'd have to be sharp to see it.

Princess pixie finds her man. Trouble intervenes, but she gets her man. Man is in for wild ride. Baby is born. Baby talks and flies and has an attitude, but is still quite nice. She is a baby with a mixture of child-like innocence and ages of experience passed on in the womb.

Baby gets in lots of trouble along the way. She gets drunk by experimenting with a jar she finds under a tree. The dragons hinted at in chapter three show up, along with the wormy monsters. The baby saves a dragon kid, making an alliance with the mother dragon possible. Fred is eventually toasted. We meet pixie relatives. We meet the evil. We overcome evil. We do all sorts of things.

There is no hot and heavy sex. This isn't a paranormal romance, though there is a genuine romance between pixie and her man. That's why I say, "romance subtext." Raw sex is not romance, even if it can be enjoyable and sweaty. I'm not into hot and sweaty sex unless I'm having it myself. At least I don't write about it quite as bluntly as some do. I'm not into bloody gore, at least not told bluntly.

I've tried to create a world near our own, like it in some respects, but not really like it at all. Even if the humour I intend is there, on closer examination there are things that would not be pleasant. The pregnancy hunt involves growing sharp teeth and seeking fresh (read raw) meat. I try to tell it with a chuckle, but how would you react if your new wife flew back after an unexpected absence covered in blood and bits of fur?

I put Robert, her husband, through lots of that, but tell it in a less than gory way. I think it's entertaining, even if I can't write a query letter. If my life depended on it, I couldn't write a decent one.

It's a gentle story with just enough of the out of normal to be ... what's a good word? Say, to create ambivalence. One has to love the pixies, but if you look too closely, you might not like what you see.

I handle the hunt this way (abbreviated):

"You frightened me! Where did you go? And what about the blood? Do you know how frightened I was?" Now Momma is used to Father's scolding. She's always mostly ignored it. Pixies do what pixies do. It is the Pixie Way.

"You shouldn't have worried. I just needed to eat. I am pregnant. I needed meat. . . .Fresh meat. I was hunting." She smiled at him, and the now quite sharp points of her teeth testified to how Momma hunted.

and later:

Before Glen left he asked Papa if he'd heard about the dead deer. "It was pretty badly torn up," Glen said. "Really chewed up. The constable thinks it was a bear-kill. Wasn't though. Don't know what killed it. No tracks. Damnedest thing. You be careful out there. The forest is a dangerous place."


Dave said...The thing is Sha'el is that your description of the plot is so wild and off normaL, that it sort of sells itself just on the face of it.

I mean how can you say "We meet Pixie culture head on" with a straight face? . That's just so (pardon the expression) balls to the wall outrageous that people are like to say "I might enjoy reading this."


Anonymous said...Sorry to say this, but the name "sha'na" made me immediately think of "sha na na", which is probably not your intention.


Anonymous said...I found the short, choppy, declarative sentences to be very distracting. Is that just for the query or is the whole novel written that way?


Writerious said...The first thing I'd reconsider is names that are full of apostrophes, which has become a much-despised fantasy cliche: What's in a Name?

Then think about what the main thread of the story is. A phrase that a professor of mine used, when asking graduate students about their research, is, "What's your elevator speech?" That is, you're at a big conference and step into an elevator with none other than EE himself. He turns to you, reads your name tag, and, in a rare mood, asks, "So, you're a writer. What's your book about?" Quick! You have between now and the 23rd floor to tell EE what your book is about! What do you say?

And no fair trying to hold up the car, either.

If you can't get it down to a few sentences, maybe you haven't quite figured out what your book is about. Try using my DH's formula for getting his fourth-graders to write book reports: Who... wants... but... so...

WHO is the main character? What does the main character WANT? BUT what gets in the way? SO what does the main character do about it?

If you can sum up your book that way, you'll be a lot closer to a good query letter.

Word verification: eggnar, a true pixie name if I ever heard one.


Jeb said...I have seen bits of this over at Elektra's and the query strikes me the same as the chapters did: too excited about the pixie-human relationships and less interested in a cohesive story arc. And I say this even though I like pixies and dragons and even swords in my leisure literature.

It's as if this very young pixie character is very aware of the differences between her family and normal humans (and how would she know, if she mostly only knows her family? All kids take their families as the model for 'normal' until they've been out in the wider world a bit), and is always explaining them to the reader in a way that reads like 'Look how cool we pixies are!'

That is probably not the author's intent, but that's how it comes across to me: much, much more telling than showing.

The short declarative sentences, while great 'voice' for a very young pixie narrator, only enhance the 'explaining it all to you' impression. It makes my eyes hurt to even think of reading 82,000 words written in that style.

This style seems more suited to chapter books for grade-schoolers, which run, iirc, around 25-30,000 words. But the mentions, however bland, of how pixies make babies would make this tale ineligible for that age range. I can't quite figure out who the target audience is supposed to be.

SF/F lays traps for the ambitious world-builder. Try to avoid telling us every detail of your half-degree-off-real world, especially in the query letter. Just show us a plot with pixies and swords and a bit of culture-shock between papa and the pixies, and cut out the long explanations of the exciting-to-you differences. Readers will figure them out or take them for granted.


Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...

Dear Writerious,

I'm aware of the comments on names with apostrophes. I elected to use them anyway.

I included a footnote, which is another thing that's usually a no-no, but I like S. S. Van Deine mysteries and decided that I would use footnotes sparingly.

The footnote says: " The apostrophe in our names is not a guttural stop and produces no sound. It represents a catch of one's breath that very nearly equalizes the emphasis between matronymic and given name. The matronymic always comes first and is always spoken unless one is speaking to a very close friend."

My pixie names tend to have a basis in real, though dead, languages. Only one person has caught that so far, a reviewer over on Crapometer.blogspot.com. That's okay. There are lots of things that I've included without making it obvious.


McKoala said...Hi Sha'el - lots of comments! Sorry, I agree that I don't think that the query is doing your story justice. I think maybe you're trying to squeeze in a bit too much. Can you paint with a broader brush?


Anonymous said...Okay, here's my five-minute attempt at a rewrite:...
I am seeking representation for my fantasy novel, "Insert Cool New Title Here," which is complete at 82,000 words. Set in and around a small lumber town in Northern California just after WWI, it is a humorous adventure story of colliding worlds -- our own, and that of the pixies.

My pixies are not Tinkerbelles, nor are they little blue warriors from Cornwall. They are complex women with mystical powers, who choose their mates from the human world.

When Robert falls in love with pixie princess Sha'Na, he is in for a wild ride. He and his unusual wife find happiness together and have a baby. Robert must hide his family from the prying eyes of villains, but there is a larger evil at work, and only Sha'el, Robert's pixie daughter, can defeat it.

In the process, Sha'el encounters many dangers, as I poke gentle fun at several stock elements of traditional fantasies.

...
I haven't read any of your book, and have no idea whether this accurately portrays the plot -- but I gleaned this stuff from your comments here.
The point is, throw out the dialogue and the details (you could put the pregnancy hunt back in if you can make it both relevant and concise), and tell the agent what kind of book you wrote, and what generally happens in it. That's all you want to do at this point. Good luck.


Shelton said...Count me as disappointed that there isn’t any graphic pixie sex as I find that subject very interesting from a mechanical perspective.

Your query is bizarre and disorganized, yet I couldn’t stop myself from reading it through. Furthermore I immediately recognized your story and style from other websites where you have posted queries and partials, so you’ve proven at least that your work is memorable, which can’t be entirely bad. I read through the chapters posted at the crapometer, and unlike reading your query I kept wanting to skip ahead to a point where things start happening. Other parts are quite engaging though and I think sharpening your focus and reorganizing might help you get the story out. I would definitely chuck the prologue except maybe for the paragraph beginning, “So here’s the real story.”


Princess of Pulp said...Author, your posts to this blog are focused and cohesive, but your query rambles and diverges badly. I always read your posts in full, but gave up on the query about halfway through. Had I been an agent, editor, or creative writing instructor, I would have rejected or failed this effort. It does indeed appear to be the work of a bright preteen.
Why is the query unreadable when your writing skills are competent? It's got to be a case of trying to squeeze a synopsis into the query letter, and/or of not knowing the core theme and plot of your book.

I'm currently in the throes of writing a query letter, and--ouch! It's so hard to leave out all that good stuff. And it's unfair, because all that's really left is a hook, or concept. That's all right if you've got a high concept story, which I think you do, but scary if it's a quiet, mainstream story.

You're obviously a bright, enthusiastic person, and that shows in your casual writing. I'm sure you'll find a way to show off your sparkle in your next query draft.


Maven said...Ok, Fred sees the hero with a child and assumes she's been kidnapped so the family has to get ouuta Dodge...how does being a concerned citizen morph into being an evil little man who tries to kill the whole family?!?


Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...Evil Little Fred is supposed to be funny, even if he is incurably evil and wicked and tries to choke the life out of the pixies. Besides, I've based Fred on a real person, and I can't exactly use his real name. Can I? "Fred" suits him.

As I said previously, I poke gentle fun at dozens of fantasy novels, and yet this isn't exactly like any of them.


Anonymous said...Sha'el, this is why I suggested mentioning the humor up front in your query (see anonymous 11:20 posting). The agent/editor needs to see that the humor is on purpose.


Anonymous said...Wow, "Little Evil Fred", the incurably evil midget who chokes people, is based on a real person? Now that's something that I'd put in paragraph 1!


Steve Prosapio said...FYI - technically (go to the Disney site to verify) it's spelled "Tinker Bell."
OK, before the perverse comments start...I mention her in MY book and had already looked it up.
;-)

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Cheaters Never Win

1. Third grade isn't all it's cracked up to be for little Iggy Miller. Caught cheating on his vocabulary test, Sister Medea shows him the meanings of "torment" and "anguish."

2. Lenny and Denise have been scamming Vegas tourists for years, and finally just stole a pile of cash from the Bellagio casino in an untraceable, high-tech confidence scheme. Wait, what is the title again?

3. Muriel and Tolbert meet in Reno for a fling away from their spouses. But will this vacation end in quickie divorces or just a call at the Cash Advance window?

4. A klutz and a cop cooperate on a case, but their "cop-ulation" could keep them from catching the crooked con.

5. Lori just won the Powerball Lottery - then discovered her boyfriend playing the bongos, naked, with her sister. Can they convince her it was just a lark, or will she cut them out and keep all the winnings for herself?

6. The new high-tech security system at Purdle's Casino showed everything. But Chief of Security Brad Road wasn't ready to see what went on under the craps table with his wife and the new croupier.



Original Version

Dear Agent

I am writing to you because you sold Eileen Dryer’s novel A MAN TO DIE FOR. [Not a good start. First of all, we can discuss Eileen later, let's start with you. Secondly, if you don't know the correct spelling of Ms. Dreyer's last name, perhaps you shouldn't mention her to her agent. And lastly, the book is fifteen years old, and you've made no connection between it and your own.]
I have written an amateur detective novel set in present day Columbia, South Carolina, entitled CHEATERS NEVER WIN. My klutzy protagonist is driven to find the murderer of his best friend and client. [Amateur detectives have clients?] Incidentally, the protagonist [Incidentally, if you'd name the protagonist, you wouldn't have to keep calling him "the protagonist."] knows that an insurance policy worth $800,000 was placed on the now deceased friend. Who would want the money [Who wouldn't want $800,000?] and who would want this guy dead? [The antagonist.] [If the friend is dead, don't they know who took out the policy?] Along the way he develops a very intimate relationship (OK, they have sex) with a female cop, who helps him solve the mystery. ["Intimate relationship" was fine. Then you had to drag it into the gutter with the "S" word.] [Explaining what you obviously mean with a cute parenthetical aside in hopes that those who know what you obviously mean won't be insulted by the implication that they're too stupid to get it brings to mind this cartoon.] 

I am a member of Mystery Writers of America and the Cincinnati Writers Project. The first fifty pages of this novel were reviewed by the MWA Mentor Program. The first twenty pages of this novel were also reviewed by three editors/agents at the Murder in the Grove writing contest. [The first two sentences (at least) of this book were also reviewed by the numerous agents to whom I've previously submitted this query and the attached chapters.] All reviewers liked my novel and made only editorial comments. [Actually, what they liked was the first few chapters, and this agent doesn't care much what anonymous people thought. Also, you seem to imply that editorial comments = acclamation. Apparently you've never read any of Evil Editor's editorial comments.]

I have written a character into this novel that gets whacked in my second novel, MURDER IN MAUI. [Is it a character who gets whacked, or a novel that gets whacked?] [So, this character has no useful role in the book? It's just your signature move to include a character in each book that gets whacked in the next? Like Hitchcock appearing in his films, like Chef Ramsay with his signature dish.] [If I were a character in one of your books I'd be sweating it out, thinking, Give me some lines, some action, anything.] [Being a character in one of your books who seems to play no useful role is like being a Star Trek actor who gets sent on an away team with Spock, Kirk, and Bones. You know he's not coming back. And you know you're getting whacked in the next book.] You can contact me at my e-mail address____________ or call me at my home phone__________.

Sincerely,


Notes

I don't think there's enough here. I want more plot. What's the klutz's real job? How does he know about the insurance policy? Who are the suspects, and why are they suspects?

You summarized the entire plot without naming a single character. Although I suppose that's better than naming no character except the one you wrote into this book who gets whacked in the next book.

If this book has much in common with Eileen Dreyer's book, you can tell the agent at the end that that's why you're contacting her. We don't need to know that people have liked the beginning, or what happens in your next book.


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...'Editorial comments' could encompass anything from "Send this now" to "I noticed you write entirely in lowercase, using only umlauts for punctuation."

Leave it out. Personally, I wouldn't pick this up because your slim plot summary leaves out all stakes for the main character--you forgot to tell us why he cares about this client and why it is essential he solve the murder.

Oh, and the cutesy (OK, they had sex) makes it sound like the query was written by a giggling teenager. "Intimate relationship" says enough.


xiqay said...Given the problems with the mechanics of the writing in your query, I think you should go back to your novel and carefully check through it for similar problems. Just a thought.


Anonymous said...I think it's standard practice these days to include the actual names and places in query letters. Editors were getting so confused by every author using, "This guy went somewhere and did something."

Synopsis 33

Guess the Plot
Bound

1. An S and M how-to guide. Comes with a starter set, including 50 feet of clothesline.

2. A group of kidnapping victims escape, taking with them bad memories and the "family" dog. They feel bound together (and to the dog) and decide to stay together and make their own way.

3. Bound together by a sex demon, Jim and Kyle and Meg are compelled to have sex and erotic dreams unless they can somehow break free. First, of course, Meg must convince Jim and Kyle that they want to break free.

4. A young kangaroo is sad because his brothers and sisters all jump and bounce high into the air, while he can barely get off the ground, but when a crisis arises, he saves the day for everyone with his own secret talent.

5. Nerdy wizard Pireakee figured he had it made when he bound himself to busty blonde witch D'brah. Little did he know she came with a bunch of half-human kids from a string of lovers, a mother with the disposition of an angry cobra, and the inability to stop screaming Elvish curses at him. Can it really take that long for the end of time to arrive?

6. After a creepy game of Ouija at a midnight masquerade, Karl Bilger is walking home alone when a drunk driver runs him over. Now Karl's soul is bound to the car that killed him. Karl revs his engine and zooms off for the ride of his afterlife.


Original Version
BOUND

Meggie Kain is clairvoyant, [Meggie? I'd go with Megan or Meg. Meggie looks like you misspelled Maggie.] a talent that has left her alienated from her family and all but two friends. She has spent her life trying to suppress her ability, but it occasionally breaks through her control; like when she met Jim Richardson the first time, stopping him on the street with a prophetic warning he would not heed. ["Stop staring at my boobs or you're gonna get kicked in the balls."]
The second time Meggie and Jim meet, her vulnerable mind absorbs his memories of both their first encounter, and of an illicit sexual incident [Is that the best description you can come up with for what happened? Illicit sexual incident?] with a woman who is much more than she seems. A woman who isn’t human at all, but the physical manifestation of a sex demon. [Just once I'd like to have an illicit sexual incident with a sex demon.] [But Mrs. V. keeps turning me down.]
Not knowing that a demon has bound them together, Jim has ignored the vivid sexual dreams and draining sense of fatigue for the past month. But his roommate, Kyle Stanton, has begun experiencing the same thing, [Is "them" Jim and Meggie or Jim and Kyle or Jim and the demon?] and it’s spreading to their new houseguest, Peter; an unwilling participant whose refusal incites a violent reaction from the demon. [What is he refusing? To have vivid sexual dreams and a draining sense of fatigue?] [Is the woman who is the physical manifestation of the sex demon a character at this point, or was her encounter with Jim a one-time thing?]
Not knowing who else he can turn to, Jim begs Meggie’s help. [As far as I can tell, Meggie is a complete stranger Jim encountered on the street. Now she's the only person he can turn to to help him deal with his vivid sexual dreams?] [Ladies, help me out here. A guy walks up to you and says, "Remember me? You stopped me on the street a few weeks ago and made some inexplicable loony comment, and ever since that day I've been having vivid sexual dreams, and you're the only person I can turn to to help me get through this." Would you run in the other direction or would you be drawn to this guy?] She is drawn to both Jim and Kyle. Together they offer her a rare sense of acceptance and the freedom to be exactly who she is. [Are these the two friends you mentioned in the first sentence? Because I think we all assumed that even before she met Jim she had two friends she hadn't alienated.] Reluctantly, she agrees to help; temptation and sympathy outweighing the fears of peering into the dark corners of her soul and facing a demon.
From the moment she enters Jim’s home, she is caught in a maelstrom of a dark desire she can’t fight, and the icy grip of a demon she must. Sensing her ability, the demon claims her, too, and the only way to free all of them is to explore the sensual and psychic connection that is growing stronger by the moment between her, Jim and Kyle. [Now we're getting somewhere. Although I'd prefer if the third person were Kate instead of Kyle.]
Several failed attempts at banishment has only managed to anger [have only angered] the demon. Turning on them, the demon strikes out, fighting for its own survival. With no other options left, Meggie looks into her own psyche, facing her fear and reaching for her talent.
With a half-formed plan to reverse the flow of energy, taking from the demon and weakening it until the bond is broken, Meggie, Jim and Kyle go into battle. But, after years of denying her own talent, Meggie fails and they are all bound. [What?! She fails; The end? That's like watching The Wizard of Oz and at the end Dorothy clicks her heels together and says, "There's no place like home," and nothing happens so she's stuck there forever or at least until the wicked witch of the south, who's much worse than her eastern and western sisters shows up and wipes out humanity and munchkinity.]

Authors Note: Bound is either an erotic horror, or a paranormal romance with a not-exactly-happy ending. [Not exactly? They go into battle, lose, and end up bound to a demon?] (Opinion on genre would be appreciated.) [If you call this a romance, aren't readers going to expect a happily ever after?]


Notes 

I think we need a more concrete description of what these people are fighting. Do the men know there's a sex demon involved, or do they just think they're dealing with dreams and fatigue? Is the sex demon still manifesting as a woman, and if not, what form is it taking? Is it visible?

What is this warning Meg gives Jim the first time she sees him?

What's at stake? Either they free themselves from the demon or they are doomed to having lots of sex with each other and a voluptuous sex demon along with sexy dreams and a bit of fatigue from having so much sex? And Jim and Kyle want out of this arrangement?

Does Jim consider a psychiatrist before deciding Meggie is the one person he can turn to?

I don't see why the first paragraph shouldn't be in present tense, like the rest of the synopsis.

Feedback Request

The author of the query featured in Face-Lift 954 has composed yet another version, and would like your opinion. You'll find it in the comments there.

Update

Okay, for those who've been following the Evil Editor Strips saga, the problem strip is no longer a problem. The printer has given me a code with which I can re-order the books, and they claim I can order them in softcover or hard, so I'm going with hard. (They normally charge an extra eight dollars a copy for hardcover.)

Once I saw the mistake in the original order of 15 softcovers, I contacted them and canceled an order of five hardcovers which I was planning to keep/give as gifts. Shockingly, those five books showed up the next week, with the defective toon. When they eventually told me they'd finally solved the problem, I didn't trust them, so I ordered three hardcovers. They came out just right. So, here's what I now have:

15 softcover copies with one defective cartoon.
5 hardcover copies with one defective cartoon.
3 hardcover copies with no problems.
2 softcover proof copies in which the defective cartoon is not defective, but on which I made some minor adjustments in this and that, like the cover is purple rather than blue and I touched up the artwork.

And coming in a couple weeks:

15 hardcover copies with no problems. (I hope.)

Rather than dump the 20 defective-strip books for which I paid nothing, my plan is to sell them at a reduced price (Hey, it's one defective strip out of 160), and use the profit to reduce the price of the perfect books for which I paid a lot.

And rather than put the book in the Evil Editor Store, where my shopping cart host charges 9%, I've attached my email address (evledtr@gmail.com) to a Paypal account. I believe Paypal takes more like 2%. As I understand it, all you need is someone's email address to send them money out of your own Paypal account or with your credit card. I guess I'll find out if this is correct as soon as someone attempts to order one of these books.

So, working with round figures instead of putting .99 on the end of everything (because it's easier to add up totals, even if it does make everything seem much more expensive), if you want the book, send me money through Paypal as follows:

softcover w. 1 bad cartoon: $10
softcover proof: $12
hardcover w. 1 bad cartoon: $20
perfect hardcover: $30

In the US, fast shipping: $6
            slower shipping: $4

Other countries, here's my guesstimate. Sorry if I'm way over.

Canada: $6
Other: $12


Besides sending payment, email me (evledtr@gmail.com) to tell me what you paid for. And if you're ordering one of the books with a defective strip, and you want me to add speech balloons to that strip so it has a punch line, let me know. I don't claim I can do a better printing job than you could, but I'll do my best. Possible caption options are at the bottom of the previous update.  Feel free to request anything else. Sample strips may be viewed here.

I have no idea if many (or any) of you want the book, but due to the limited quantities of some items, you might want to email me now and reserve what you want. For instance, if you want to give a perfect hardcover as a Christmas gift, note that there are currently only three, and I may not have the other 15 in time to get one to you for Christmas.

Oh, and that guy who wanted to give his wife an editing job for Christmas, but lost the auction: cool idea. Email me if you still want it, we'll negotiate a deal.

Face-Lift 1091

Guess the Plot

121 Days

1. Patty Reynolds starts a blog. After 121 days of intense blogging, she dies, thinking, Christ, how does Evil Editor do it?

2. All that stands between Frank Linstead and freedom from the Keokuk County Jail are 121 days. Can he make it? Or will the unlocked, unguarded cell and jail be too tempting?

3. Sylvya swears that this semester, she's going to get all A's. But between the hunky vampire in her biology class, the hunky werewolf in American Literature, and the hunky chaos god who teaches pre-calc, the semester just seems to be slipping away in hunkiness and C-minuses.

4. Billy and Betsy Day have a rollicking time at the Day family reunion at Happy Times Campground, where they meet all their cousins, each of whom is profiled in their own literary vignette.

5. Jacob Frintz, CEO of Frintz Holdings, decides to boost morale by taking a different key member of staff to lunch each Thursday -- his "121" day. But when he invites corporate paralegal Mindy Swimley to the same restaurant her gorgeous twin sister works at, he sees the opportunity for a series of 122 afternoons.

6. C-List actor Alphonse DuReaux has 121 days till Thanksgiving, when his hypercritical family will surely lambaste his latest flop. Fed up, he gets to work writing, directing, and starring in an independent film that just might make him a cultural icon--and make every last cousin, aunt, and uncle eat their words. Also, it's a porno.



Original Version

“As I lay [lie] here dying, I now [No need to say "now" when you've already said "as I lie here."] question everything I once believed. [Everything? Really?] How could something so strong, break so easily. [Exactly what I was thinking when I heard Rob Gronkowski, 1st-round draft pick and leading scorer on my fantasy football team, had broken his arm on an extra point play.] I never would have imagined I would go from something as boring and pathetic as lung cancer. I always knew it would be something tragic and dramatic, such as a car accident or overdose.” [It's not too late to go from an overdose.] – Excerpt from 121 Days

121 Days, [no comma] is the story of Patricia Reynolds, a 48[-]year[-]old woman that has her life changed [whose life changes] forever with a diagnoses [diagnosis] of cancer. Patty spends 121 days, [no comma] re-counting the events of her “so-called” life through the use of a blog. [on her blog] With the love and support of her 17[-]year[-]old relationship to “Her Joe”, [and] a 25[-]year[-]long relationship with her best friend Maggie, Patty is able to overcome incredible life events and memories she is forced to face. [Not clear if you mean she overcomes this stuff during the 121 days or during her "so-called" life. Also, not clear what you mean by "so-called" life.] [Also, it's the love and support of "Her Joe", not of her relationship. And why is "Her" capitalized? And if you put it in quotation marks, shouldn't it be "my Joe"? And why not say her husband Joe, or whatever he is?] [Also, you don't overcome events and memories. Perhaps you mean she relives incredible events as she blogs, or she blogs about obstacles she overcame. In any case, I'd much rather hear about her incredible life events than her blog.]

The story offers readers the chance to bond with a unique and diverse [multifaceted?] strong female character, and share laughter and tears, as 48 years of lessons learned are divulged. [If I gotta read 48 year's worth of lessons learned, I guess it may as well be condensed into 121 blog entries. Unless . . . Have you considered divulging these lessons in 121 tweets?] As the story unfolds, [There's a story? What is it?] Patty discovers true friendship, devout love, and what the true meaning of honesty is. 121 Days is full of heart breaking [heartbreaking] stories and the innermost thoughts of a loved and dying woman.

I have published a few articles in Savannah magazines, [Period, new sentence.] the idea of this novel, [No comma] came to me with great inspiration. [What does that mean?] Would you be interested in taking a look at this manuscript?

You can reach me via email, using the link below.


Notes

Is the entire book written in the form of a blog? If so, make that clear.

Start over. We want specifics. By which I mean specific examples of what happens in the book, not the specific number of years Patty has known each character.

Don't open with an excerpt. If the whole book is blog entries, you can include a sample entry/chapter with the query.

If you're trying to sell a fictional (or nonfictional) memoir, I'm not sure you want to describe its subject as someone who's had a "so-called" life.

It seems likely the book needs a good proofreading before you do anything with it.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Murderer Among the Mourners

1. Abner was pleased to see the turnout at his brother's wake--though he wasn't sure what O.J. Simpson was doing there.

2. Michelle and Brianne reunite at the rural funeral of an old classmate. When Michelle's husband is killed and Brianne's fiancé is kidnaped, the small town sheriff has a startling revelation: he suspects foul play.

3. Only fourteen people came to pay their last respects when Chatsworth Carmichael died, but by the end of the funeral, eight of them were dead.

4. The metal detector at the door of the funeral home was supposed to keep the Gennaro family out, but the Manzinis never thought to check under Father Pennini's cassock for an assault rifle.

5. The mourners at Aunt Eliza's funeral were singing "Amazing Grace," all but one, Jeb, who had his iPod playing "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead."

6. Detective Aaron James knew the murderer would show up at Paul Lee's funeral. And he knew that the murderer knew that he knew. He even knew that the murderer knew that he knew that he knew. But what he didn't know was that the murderer knew that he knew that he knew that he knew.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

After the suspicious death of an old classmate, Michelle Hendrickson and Brianne Roberts rediscover their friendship – only to have it tested after the murder of Michelle’s husband [by Brianne.], [After years in the business, it gets easier and easier to spot the guilty parties.] which leads to an intrepid hunt [EE thought it was hunters, not hunts that were intrepid, but he will wait for confirmation from the many experts among his minions.] for the truth, a race for their lives, and the clues that unwittingly lead them [They may unwittingly follow the clues, but it seems strange to say the clues unwittingly lead them.] [By "strange," I mean "wrong."] [Now that I think about it, if they're following clues, it's wrong to say they unwittingly follow them, even if they're nitwits. At least they're "witting" enough to  know a clue when they see it.] [Evil Editor seems to be in an unusually picky mood today.] to a major international crime. My co-author, Brook E. Smith, and I are pleased to have you consider it for representation.

Murderer Among the Mourners, a 103,000 word suspense novel, is the story of Michelle and Brianne, two friends who separated after high school and reunite over a decade later in their rural hometown. When Michelle’s husband is killed and the authorities suspect foul play, [based on the dagger protruding from his back,] Brianne is there at her side. The emergence of an old flame, kidnapping of Brianne’s fiancé, and an unexpected pregnancy for Michelle [Did you ever have one of those days?] propel the women into searching for the truth behind the deaths.

["I'm pregnant."
"How did that happen?"
"I have no idea."
"Then . . . We've got to solve the murders."]

However, as they plunge further into the intrigue, they realize their very lives are at risk. After a chilling turn of events, Michelle and Brianne face cracking a case of international proportions as they struggle to decide who to trust with their lives and their hearts. [All pretty vague. How about some specifics?]

Murderer Among the Mourners targets women who enjoy a book about relationships but want a more compelling plot than the typical romance. [Uh, oh. You're gonna hear from the romance writers on that one.] [Romance writers: please elect a couple spokespersons, rather than crash the server. Thank you.] [In fact, let Evil Editor anticipate what will be said so we can reduce the number of times it actually does get said, and so I can tone down the vitriol:

Are you frigging kidding me? You concoct this preposterous plot in which some nobody gets killed in a rural town, two women come to pay their last respects, and the next thing you know, one of them has a murdered husband and an immaculate conception, and the other has a kidnapped fiancé, and they end up setting aside their grief and anxiety to crack an international drug cartel, and you call that compelling? Try farcical, asinine, far-fetched. Obviously the one romance you've ever read was some tame Barbara Cartland historical, and even that was probably more compelling than this irrational absurdity. I'm so filled with rage, I've a good mind to never return to this site again, except I can't do that because Evil Editor is such a sweetie, and I couldn't live without his hilarious discourse, even if he never seems to get around to doing my query letter.]

Murderer Among the Mourners combines the emotional human drama of Jodi Picoult and the fast paced suspense style of Mary Higgins Clark [to create the fast-paced emotional humanity of Marjory Higgins Picoult]. I was a staff writer for The Jefferson Star newspaper and am a member of The League of Utah Writers. Brook was a staff writer for The Jefferson Star and has presented research papers at the American Society for Public Administrators 65th National Conference.

At your request, I would be happy to send the complete manuscript of Murder Among the Mourners [It never looks good when you get your own title wrong.] for your consideration. I look forward to your opinion. [My opinion of what?]

Sincerely,


Revised Version

Dear Evil Editor,

After the suspicious death of an old classmate, Michelle Hendrickson and Brianne Roberts rediscover an old friendship in their rural hometown. But before the casket has even been buried, Michelle’s husband is murdered, Brianne's fiancé is kidnaped, and the two women find themselves in a desperate race for the truth.

The emergence of an old flame and an unexpected pregnancy complicate matters as Michelle and Brianne try to unravel a murder mystery. When clues bring them up against a major international crime ring, they realize that they are in extreme peril, and that they don't know whom they can trust with their lives.

Murderer Among the Mourners, a 103,000-word novel, combines emotional human drama with fast-paced suspense. The book is a collaboration between myself and Brook E. Smith. Both of us have worked as staff writers for The Jefferson Star newspaper. At your request, I would be happy to send the complete manuscript of Murderer Among the Mourners for your consideration. Thank you.

Sincerely,


Notes

It was stated that the friendship between Brianne and Michelle was tested after the death of Michelle's husband. Yet Brianne is there at her side, so in what way was the friendship tested?

Evil Editor regrets the ranting of the romance writers, but feels it was better that you take your medicine all at once than over the course of many weeks.


Selected Comments

Anonymous tlh said...Eh, the romance writers need to get over it. Romance might not be particularly flat and cliched now, but for a long time it was. And lashing out at the uninformed isn't very useful unless your aim is to whip your fellow genre writers into a frenzy of stroking your ego and bashing the ignorant person. Which might be fun, but it's not particularly effective at winning friends.

I wonder what the 'major international crime' is, myself. I'm voting either slavery, the drug trade, or ripping the tags of mattresses prior to sale.

Also, would it be just as correct, since this is a collaboration, for the query letter to come from both of the authors?


McKoala said...Is anyone really here to look for friends? I'm thinking that they might want to try a different site for that.


Your average romance author said...OMG, you have us romance writers pegged! Thanks for saving me the trouble of thinking up my own vitriolic response.

Oh, no, wait, I can't resist. Sorry. Lots of romance novels also contain strong suspense elements--that is the only point I would have made. I think the story sounds kinda interesting, something I would pick up.


tlh said...I should apologize for the generalization; not ALL romance writers need to get over it. Just the really loud angry ones who got the RAGE! over this sort of thing.


minion_clj said...Um, tlh, is your point that if something may have been true say, 20 years ago (though there is no evidence to suggest that's the case) it's ok to believe it's still true? tlh, you have it backward. Romance writers do not need to get over it. People who trash romance need to get over it -- [all the stuff that Evil Editor said.]


December Quinn said...Oh boy! I'm so glad someone has finally written something so much better than all us lousy romance writers have been able to come up with.

This does sound like an interesting story. But I think if you're going to try to sell it as romance, you really ought to be careful what you say. Agents/editors who rep/buy romance tend to roll their eyes and look for the nearest trash can when presented with queries that belittle romance. (Just as agents/editors in any genre do, btw.) Why not just find out who the agent you're targeting reps, and mention your story is so much better than the pap they produce?

It's not genre pride talking here, it's common sense. Is that effective enough for you, tlh? :-)


Lyvvie said...For a romance novel, It doesn't really hint as to where the romance is, and between who...unless Brianna and Michelle find there's more to their friendship than they ever could admit to as teenagers.

If it's romance, then we should hear more about the "emergence of an old flame" than just that wee hint. A name would help.

Is it possible this story is trying to tick too many boxes?


MCB said...It looks like the authors are billing it as a suspense, not a romance. Yeah they probably shouldn't bash romance authors, but the story does sound like something I'd read.


Brenda Bradshaw said...thl said, "...lashing out at the uninformed isn't very useful..."

That's the problem, the uninformed. Romance as a genre has probably had the most overall changes in the last several years on what makes it a "romance", and if people still think it's all about Fabio and bodice-rippers, they need to read more, know the market, and broaden their scope of genres.

Romantic suspense is just what it says: There's real suspense with an added love interest, with the reader having more of her emotions brought into the book than a straight suspense would, more at stake, etc. Somehow I think Sandra Brown's ENVY and WHITE HOT, for example, aren't your "typical" romances, but if writers aren't reading a vast scope of books, they won't really know where their book belongs and feed the continuing idea that romance is something it's just ... not. It's not about "whipping your fellow genre writer" - it's informing them if they can't educate themselves.

The excuse of ignorance in this instance isn't valid.


tlh said...Three problems with your statements here. First, I didn't say it was still flat and cliched, I said 'for a long time it was'.

Second, there IS proof for it, and more recently then twenty years ago (although it was certainly far worse then); I have a box in the closet full of romances best described as 'eye-crossingly silly', some older and some newer. And they aren't all Harlequin one-inchers, either.

Third, I never said it was okay to trash romance writers. I said it was not okay to lash out at people who made the mistake.

It does you no service whatsoever to shout at people who are honestly misinformed about your genre. And they *must* be honestly misinformed, because you've just said that the genre isn't like that any more -- so you're picking on them for not knowing any better?

It's certainly not as effective as a gentle, "Hey, things have a changed a lot since romance first developed as a genre, and you seem to have some misconceptions. Why don't you check out some of my favorite authors to get a feel for it?"


tlh, you have it backward. Romance writers do not need to get over it. People who trash romance need to get over it -- [all the stuff that Evil Editor said.]

I think maybe we're reading a different Evil Editor. It seemed to me that EE's mini-rant in the center of the review was a parody of what we've all seen many times before on message boards, not an endorsement of it or a scathing punishment for the author of the synopsis.

And saying what you think will be the most likely response by a particular group does not necessarily mean you support that viewpoint, or that you dislike it, just that you're aware of it.

This, of course, is just what I took away from reading the post; I can't really state with certainty what EE's intentions are, because I haven't asked.


Evil Editor said...People, people. Evil Editor's home is a place for fun, laughter, and, of course, praise of Evil Editor. Those who step out of line will be sent to Miss Snark's office.


Brenda Bradshaw said...I'd love to be sent to Miss Snark's office. She has gin. Lots of it.


Mad Scientist Matt said...Really, can you think of any genre that doesn't have its share of cliched, derivative dreck? And its share of uninformed characters who think they're all that way? Science fiction has to deal with stereotypes like "bad science combined with bad fiction," fantasy is accused of being an endless series of Tolkien re-hashes, etc.

And there are usually enough memorable examples of books that fit those stereotypes, but it is a big mistake to stereotype any genre.


Anonymous said...Am I missing something? Is comparing your novel to successful authors rule #3 or something? Does rule #4 state that the comparison has to include at least two successfull authors with distinctively different styles? A lot of query letters have this and it is so lame. It sounds really stupid and (some other word that means lame and stupid). -JTC

Disclaimer: I know nothing about query letters and this is just my opinion in case I piss-off a bunch of romance writers.


kis said...The best--rather, least pompous-sounding--way to work a comparison to other authors into your query is thus: "I believe readers who enjoy the books of Jodi Picoult and Mary Higgins Clark would also enjoy my drek-filled tome," or whatever.

Any closer a comparison than that just comes off sounding egotistical. One agent even went so far as to put on his website that he would ignore any adjectives you might use to describe your own style--although I believe 'ignore' in this case would be decidedly optimistic. I had the impression that were he to find any such adjectives in a query, he might sprain his eyeballs from rolling them too hard.

As for all that nonsense about romance, everyone needs to get over it. I think genre writing, in general, has improved over the years, and will only continue to do so. There's something to be said for an interesting story written with proper grammar in a language its readers can understand. I once started a literary novel by a very well-known author who decided there was no room in his book for basic punctuation--not even quotation marks. I'd read anything by Holly Lisle or Stephen R. Donaldson before trying to pick my way through something like that again. At least I won't have a migraine by the end of it.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Reality Bites

1. After seventeen years in the psych ward, Oscar is finally released. Two days later he's back, begging them to admit him.

2. A psychic FBI agent's latest case involves hunting down a vampire who specializes in draining the blood of psychics.

3. Gala Peterson thought it sounded like fun: joining the cast of a new reality show, to be filmed in the remote Pacific islands where pirates and cannibals had once ruled. But the last challenge for the tribes is a deadly one--eat or be eaten.

4. After a traumatic car accident, Joe discovers he can no longer view the world continuously. Instead, he sees life in separate 30-second pieces. Can a compassionate therapist help him put his life back into a narrative?

5. Vampire puberty sucks bad enough, but when it's Chance's time to turn into a full-fledged vampire, he's drafted for the wildly popular reality television show Fang Time.

6. Space diva Reality Jones has too many assistants, too many lovers, and too many years left on her contract. With the help of a promising young cloning scientist, Reality is going to chuck it all and head for the isolated paradise planet of Yarnow.



Original Version

Dear Agent/Editor

Vlad the Impaler died centuries ago, but his cruelty lives on in a series of bizarre murders in Cleveland, Ohio where six people have been staked and bled dry. [It's a reverse vampire; it stakes its victims.] The only thing they have in common? Psychic abilities. [Sorry, but sensing that you're about to die, when you're locked in a room with a bloodthirsty vampire, does not make you psychic.]

Psychic FBI agent, Robin Lesange, [Is there anybody in this novel who isn't psychic?] is used to seeing to bloodspattered crime scenes play through her mind, but what's happening in Cleveland defies even her jaded experience. [For one thing, the blood spatters have all been licked.] For the first time, her clairvoyance shows her things that, not only shouldn't happen, but shouldn't exist either. [The second comma in that sentence, for instance, or the second word "to" in the previous sentence.]

Like vampires. [Them too.]

Nor is Robin the only one after the killer. Ambrose D'Avignon, a handsome, [psychic,] so-called 'vampire', [Having already said "so-called," no need to also use quotation marks--or even apostrophes.] claims the killer is a genetic mistake, a vampire that failed to evolve from drinking blood to feeding on human energy and must be destroyed. [Vampires who feed on human energy, apparently, don't need to be destroyed; all they do is turn people into couch potatoes.] He has been sent [by whom?] to make sure the killer quietly disappears, and isn't about to let Robin get in his way--though that doesn't keep him from trying to seduce her.

Ignoring Ambrose's advances, Robin continues her investigation expecting to find a more conventional answer than what her psychic skills have revealed. [Six victims with their blood completely drained, her psychic sense screaming, "IT'S A #$%&$# VAMPIRE, IDIOT," and she wants another answer? Like what? Someone's trying to make the world's biggest Bloody Mary in his hot tub, and misunderstood the recipe?] But when the killer starts to stalk her as his next victim [Saw that coming a mile away.] just as Ambrose draws her deeper into his mythic reality, Robin has to face the fact that monsters do exist, and it's up to her to stop them...even if it means becoming one herself.

Complete at 80,000 words, REALITY BITES is a paranormal thriller with a strong romantic subplot. Per your guidelines, please find enclosed a synopsis and the first three chapters.

I have always enjoyed STORIES by X and wrote REALITY BITES with that readership [Myself.] in mind. Knowing you represent X, I thought you might find my manuscript of interest. [Actually, if I'm looking for a book that will be enjoyed by readers of X, and I happen to represent X, I think I'll start by checking in with X to see what she's working on. But you can be Plan Y.] Thank you for your time and consideration.

Regards,


Notes 

Apparently there are so many psychics in Cleveland, even a vampire that drinks only the blood of psychics can get along just fine.

A bit long. Could be shortened by eliminating the paragraph about the mysterious Mr. X. And making "Like vampires." the last sentence in the previous paragraph.


Selected Comments


Kendall said...Yipes, people-with-weird-powers who don't believe in other weird stuff...totally illogical, pulls me out of the story. Unless it's very tongue in cheek, IMHO it doesn't even work well in comics, to say nothing of books.


Brenda Bradshaw said...[Actually, if I'm looking for a book that will be enjoyed by readers of X, and I happen to represent X, I think I'll start by checking in with X to see what she's working on. But you can be Plan Y.]

I find this incredibly interesting. We've been told to read your favorite books, your favorite authors, ones who write similar stories with similar tones and see who their agent/editors are because they are who you should be targetting. This is the stuff they obviously like. But what EE said above makes me wonder about that. I don't want to write something, send it to someone who I think, based on their clients, will like it too, and then them turn and ask their current author if they have anything going on before considering me.


Evil Editor said...Q & A 22.


JTC said...Brenda, I think we are told to read what and who we like so we can get a feel for the way it is written and an example of a successful style. But, we must each develop our own style based on a successful formula. This includes being as original as possible. It is very tough. Which is why so few are successful. Someone once said (I think it was me), "Don't think. Write."


Brenda Bradshaw said...JTC - Got it, and totally agree. After EE posted about it, my tired brain woke up and said, "Duh".

No one should attempt to BE someone else and that's not what I was trying to say (or imply!). But I think a writer should know if their work leans more toward a Lisa Gardner audience than Janet Evanovich.