Evil Editor's Blog, page 154

New Kickstarter Rewards

Two is not exactly a big sample, but based on two backers, I've concluded that more writers than comic strip fans are going to back my project. It also occurs to me that someone with a 45,000-word novel might feel it's not fair that her novel costs as much to get edited as someone else's 100,000-word novel. Thus I've expanded the reward levels so that books up to 50,000 words cost $375, books up to 70,000 cost $500, books up to 85,000 words cost $625, and books up to 100,000 remain $750.

If your book is longer than that, contact me about adding another level, one that will mostly involve drastically slashing your word count.

The Evil Editor Strips Kickstarter Project

FYI...

I'm not keeping Kickstarter at the top of the blog to annoy you; it's still there because there's nothing in the query queue and there are no openings waiting for continuations.

For those interested in the project book, I'm having them produced by a company called Blurb. (I recommend them for quality of workmanship if you're ever considering having a photobook made.) I've found their "Bookify" system for creating the book easier to work with than a couple other places I tried.

If you go to their pricing page you'll see that a 100-page 8 x 10 softcover photobook is $36.95, but that volume discounts can get the price down a bit, which is why I'm trying Kickstarter. To see if there's volume demand for what I'm pretty sure is the funniest book ever published. Hey, would I lie to you?

The Evil Editor Kickstarter Project

Many of you are familiar with Kickstarter, a web-based outfit that provides a means for (mostly) artistic projects to gain financial backing in return for rewards. The projects tend to be graphic novels, CDs, films, and various odds and ends. The rewards tend to be closely connected to the projects; for instance, by backing someone's project to make a CD, you might receive the CD. For a large enough contribution, the musicians might come and perform in your living room.

Getting to my project, which Evil Jr. and some of his friends set up for me because they decided I needed it because they enjoyed the EE comic strips I posted last June/July, it's a book collecting 160 comic strips. Some of them appeared on this blog, and the rest were created for this book. I call it Evil editor Strips. Here's the cover:




I ordered one copy of the book because I wanted one, and it came out great. The downside is that it cost me $38 because I did it in full color and in the 8 by 10 size on glossy photo paper. I went for the 8 by 10 size because I didn't want to get eyestrain reading the words in speech balloons.

Anyway, with the other Evil Editor books, which are smaller and black and white on regular paper, I didn't mind printing a lot of copies, but printing a mere 75 of this book would cost between $2200 and $3000 which is a lot to spend if you have no idea how many people will want a copy.

Solution: Kickstarter. The project was approved yesterday. I've set a financial goal, and if the goal is met, I'll know how many copies to print. If the goal isn't met, neither I nor my backers have spent anything.

My best chance of meeting the financial goal is probably not by getting 70 people to want the book, but by getting a few people to want the most expensive reward, namely to have Evil Editor edit their entire book. This is something I offer annually in the Brenda Novak auction, and it has gone for an average of about $2000 over the past five years. Which means there are people out there who bid pretty high, only to get outbid. If only I knew who those people were, I could tell them they can get the same thorough editing job for a fraction of what they were once willing to pay. Maybe a couple of them will read this post. Maybe you have a Twitter follower who could benefit from an editing job?

I've set the project to run 25 days, ending December 1. I haven't announced that it's there until now, so there may still be time to be the project's very first backer. You'll find it here:

The Evil Editor Strips Kickstarter Project

Face-Lift 1084

Guess the Plot

Angba the Orc

1. All she wants is to find out who she is as she comes of age in this great big world, but it's so hard to get by when your name is Angba Skullcrusher.

2. Banga was the first orc in the Orc Directory until Angba showed up. So Banga changed his name to Agnab. Then an orc named Abang moved into town, and the fighting hasn't stopped since.

3. Ace reporter Sam Finnian has the election story of a lifetime when he stumbles on Mitt Romney's college Dungeons and Dragons nickname and realizes it's an anagram for ABORT CHANGE. But he underestimates the lengths Romney will go to to keep his secret . . . including murder.

4. Angba the orc, raised in dank caverns, schooled by goblins, destined to be a soldier, dreams of life above-ground, far from the constant clanging of trolls' anvils. A computer glitch results in his acceptance to the University of Southern California where, initially shunned, he becomes the star of the football team. Also, lessons in tolerance and acceptance.

5. Angba is drafted by the Orc War Council for their war on the Elvin. But Angba only wants to care for his pet porcupines. Horgal, the chief war monger, orders Angba put to death. Then the great wizard and wereporcupine Pricphella comes to Angba's aid. Together they try to defeat Horgal and end the war before it annoys the porcupine community.

6. As the only orc in fifth grade at her elementary school, Angba is shunned by her fellow students. But when the animals at a nearby zoo escape and overrun the school, it's Angba who fights off gorillas and lions and rhinos.Will her classmates accept her now? They'd better!



Original Version


Here is my Nano query. I would really love input on this, especially regarding finding a title that doesn't sound like a picture book from Mordor.


Dear Evil Master and He Who Must Be Obeyed

A locked box. Letters in an archaic dialect. A silver medallion. When orc Angba Skullcrusher arrives in the desert outpost Fort Galbraith, that's all she has to answer her long-standing question: Who am I really, and why did this man Tallis sponsor my education? [Not clear whether she's arriving at the desert outpost to begin her education or after completing her education.] [About the letters: assuming they're letters from someone to someone, and not letters of the a,b,c variety, who are they from and to? Is dialect the right word, or should it be language?]

When she learns Tallis is dead and has named her as his only heir, her only hope for answering any of her questions lies in the far off orcish city of Grand Oasis. [You suggested that the locked box, letters and medallion might be the key to answering her questions. Were they a dead end? Does she unlock the box?] [Did she inherit the box/letters/medallion from Tallis? I had the impression she had them before she even learned Tallis was dead. If they aren't her inheritance, what did she inherit from Tallis?] [Also, "orcish" sounds like an adjective you'd apply to Sylvester Stallone, while a city or orcs would be "orcan." Then again, what do I know? The only role-playing games in my day were cowboys and Indians and doctor.] To reach it she'll need to brave treacherous Black Canyon, where thousands of dreams have gone to die. [It's the Hollywood of Orcdom.] With the help of orc ranger Sabel Mars and the scholarly orc Silver, she embarks on the journey that will determine how she sees her world--and her heart.

Set in a steampunk world inextricably entwined with legends of the infamous Black Canyon, Angba The Orc is a fantasy romance novel.

Thank you for your consideration.


Notes

Is this the Black Canyon on the Colorado River? I think it should be. There's still time to change it. Your plot should be a human family is whitewater rafting in the Black Canyon when suddenly they notice a raft full of orcs gaining on them. The title will be How Our Summer Vacation Was Ruined By Orcs. I see this as a million-selling middle grade book, and if you don't write it, I will.

Nothing seemed steampunkish about the world. If she's going to Grand Oasis in a motorized blimp, say so.

Possible titles: The Secret Life of Orcs, The Language of Orcs, Eat, Pray, Kill, How Angba Skullcrusher Got Her Groove, Orcsteam, Angba Skullcrusher and the Legend of Black Canyon, Orcs Are People Too, Lord of the Rings II: The Orcs' Tell Their Side, Angba Skullcrusher's Big Adventure, Angba Skullcrusher vs. Godzilla.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Call Me Wonder Rose

1. I am Rosa flori- bunda, and I am invincible. I've survived infestations, invasions, perversions and depredations. I've been cut, frozen, chopped, burned, drowned and severed. I've watched my children die while I live on. You can shove me in the dirt, force-feed me concoctions, but you can't destroy me. Call me wonder rose.

2. It sure was a shock to learn that my younger brothers are all superheroes, each with a unique ability that's been kept secret from me all my life, and I'm the only member of the Rose family who's normal. Of course, when a supervillain comes to town, it's sure to be big sis who has to save the day, as usual. The name's Dylan Rose, but you can . . . Call me Wonder Rose.

3. Wonder Bread built healthy bodies in even more ways than people thought. During WWII, a daring bio-modification program based on experimental bread-molds turned me into a superheroine whose battle against fascism outdid even Captain America. They called me . . . Wonder Rose.

4. In the little town of Meadowville, GA, nothing brings out cutthroat ruthlessness like the Horticultural Society's Annual Garden Show. But now I'm wondering if I've gone too far--my genetically spliced roses are displaying signs of sentience and an interest in superheroics. The newspapers . . . call me Wonder Rose.

5. The name's Rose Baumgarten. I recently resigned from Joe's Bar and Grill to begin a new career as a pimp-bashing superhero. Too bad that means I have about a thousand instant enemies who all need to be manhandled and crushed to pulp beneath my sharp red stilettos, enemies who . . . Call Me Wonder Rose.

6. When my grandmother leaves me an old trunk, I discover the diary and letters of my great-great-grandmother, an exotic dancer. I change my name from Summer Dawn and take up fan dancing. Just . . . Call Me Wonder Rose.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

I am currently seeking representation for my young adult fantasy novel "Call Me Wonder Rose," complete at 65,000 words.

Sixteen-year-old Dylan Rose has always felt like the family outcast. And it's not all in her head.

When she inherits her late grandfather's journal, which chronicles his ability to shrink in size and stretch his limbs to the size of a football field,  

[April 9: The wife finds it annoying that I never get off the couch because I can stretch my arm from the living room into the kitchen whenever I want another beer. Of course, I didn't hear her complaining last night when I made another one of my "limbs" get longer.

April 24: Signed a five million dollar contract to play in the NBA but the other teams whined so much I was banned.

May 3: As I lie dying in my hospital bed it occurs to me that the ability to punch a criminal from a hundred yards away is not so effective when the criminal is 110 yards away, with a high-powered rifle.]

Dylan believes the journal must be fiction. But it turns out [that her grandfather was once known as (choose one):


a. Plastic Man














b. The Elongated Man









c. Mr. Fantastic
















Amazing how even lame superhero powers get recycled/stolen.] every word is true. Dylan discovered the Rose family secret: She belongs to a family of super heroes.

Cool, right? Sure. If you had powers. But unfortunately for Dylan, she doesn't. The hero gene is only passed down to males, and her three younger brother's have kept their unique powers hidden from her for over a decade. [No way five-year-old boys could resist using their super powers in their sister's presence. In fact, no way they could resist using their super powers on their sister.]

While Dylan copes with the fact that her own flesh and blood kept this massive secret from her, [You had these powers all along and you didn't use them to help me destroy my rivals and win the heart of Biff Carpenter? Bastards!] the crime rate in the small Midwestern town sky rockets. The Rose brothers are convinced the culprit is using super powers to commit the crimes.

But whoever is committing the crimes has plans for something bigger than a little bank robbery.

And it involves the Rose family outcast. [How do they know this?] Dylan's more valuable to the super family business than originally perceived. [How so?] It's this discovery that makes her the hottest ticket in town, [What does that mean?] and places Dylan smack-dab in the middle of a dangerous old rivalry. [Possibly what you're hinting at is that the supervillain was sent up the river by grandpa and now he's going to exact his revenge by kidnapping Dylan to get the super brothers to help him destroy the statue of grandpa in the town square. Or not. It's a pretty vague way to end the query.]

My short stories have appeared in The Bell Tower and The Scruffy Dog Review. This is my first novel. I would be happy to send a partial at your request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

Even if you don't want to reveal the details on how Dylan is useful in defeating the supervillain, I don't see why you can't be more specific about how she's involved.


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...Maybe it's just me, but every 16 year old I ever knew was pretty much focused on sex drugs cars and rock n roll. This sounds more like 12 year old middle grade stuff unless the girl can magically text her way into the boys' locker room or something.


writtenwyrdd said...I like a lot about this, but it feels like a problem that 1) she's not clued in to the family's genetically-linked trait when she could pass it on some day; and 2) the family has apparently actually succeeded in keeping Dylan in the dark. (EE your comments about that are hilarious.)


Lisa said...EE - Thanks for the feedback! I was laughing. How silly of me to be so vague, I know. I've since revised this sucker and added more details.

BTW - Who's your favorite super hero? I'm guessing it's not Plastic Man...=)


150 said...I collect superhero books, so I'd pick this up sight-unseen. Need a beta? If you post the revised query in the comments, we'll take another look at it. You might want to wait until a few more people weigh in, though.


Xiexie said...Can we see the revised one? Also, Mr. Fantastic ForTheWin.


chelsea said...I like the idea of the protagonist being odd because she DOESN'T have powers. And I know/knew lots of 16 year olds who care/d about more than sex drugs cars and rock. :)


pacatrue said...Well, there's Sky High, of course, a movie about a kid going to Super Hero school without any powers. Until he gets powers....

Xiexie said...Yeah Sky High lost me once he got powers.


batgirl said...This looks like fun - 16 is an age when you're finding out who you are and what you can do, and separating yourself from your family, the sort of uncertainty that would be magnified when your family is extraordinary. Also, superheroes are very much in the mainstream of fiction, so it's a good time for that metaphor.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Flames of Hatred

1. When flirty English Daisy meets brash laird Sandy McTenninch at a Balmoral garden party, it's Scots-versus-Sassenach enmity at the first glimpse of his fluttering clan tartan. Will a stray breeze show her the real reason the queen spends her summers in Scottish seclusion, or will hairy reality fan the . . . Flames of Hatred?

2. When a young warrior uncovers treason in his own family he is unjustly exiled to the land of his family's enemies to teach him a lesson. But the only lesson he learns is that the daughter of his father's rival is hot, hot, HOT! Is a hot babe enough to dampen his bitter . . . Flames of Hatred?

3. Benny and Theresa are fellow carnies as well as a couple—she's the tattoo lady and he's the fire-eater. Their romance is admired by all their colleagues, except one, who vows to win Theresa's heart. When he lifts 450 lbs. above his head, Theresa swoons. Soon Benny's fire-eating act is consumed in . . . Flames of Hatred.

4. When topiary artist Gareth McGee loses his girlfriend to a brainless stockbroker, he is crushed, but the pain inspires his most ambitious piece ever, a 27-foot-high holly masterpiece titled, "Flames of Hatred," for which he wins the prestigious Golden Clipper award, handed over by his favorite Hollywood celebrity, Gemma Garbo. Is it love at first sight for her, too? Or was that kiss just a formality?

5. When Todd said he'd swim any ocean, climb any mountain, etc., Sally sent him on a difficult mission across the Lake of Despair, up the Cliffs of Infatuation, around the Plains of Indecision, down the River of Resentment, and through the Grove of Anger. But now? The Flames of Hatred? No way. He'd rather get cozy with an easy-going heavy-set gal, like Jan Barkowsky -- but how can one of award-winning author Stacy McShaw's "Starlit Romances" end like that?

6. There are four mystical flames burning in the White Temple: the Flame of Truth, the Flame of Justice, the Flame of Love and the Flame of Life. When the flames begin to flicker and threaten to go out, Tadry Omanish discovers the existence of the Black Temple and the Flames of Hatred. As chaos engulfs the city around him, Tadry must find and defeat the priests of the Black Temple.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Swords of Fire: Flames of Hatred follows the path of Khirsha, a young warrior trying to discover who and what he is under the threat of war, treason and his awakening to the daughters of his father and grandfather's fiercest rivals. [By "awakening," do you mean attraction"? That would be more clear, but still awkward. Also, once you've brought up war and treason, his having the hots for a few off-limits babes seems trivial. It's like saying, Pierre's life was in turmoil, what with the Nazi tanks rolling into his village, the Borg assimilating his family, and a new zit on his chin.] His efforts are hampered by reason of changes taking place inside him which are affecting his judgment and actions. The cause for these changes is unknown to him, but they are creating problems in all areas of his life. [Those last two sentences are vague.]

The story opens with Khirsha already in trouble. By reason of a prank which went terribly wrong, Khirsha and his best friend and cousin, Kelso, have uncovered the existence of treason in the family (something unheard of for more than two hundred years). [We don't need to know a prank was involved, or about the 200 years. They uncovered treason.] The treason has put family supply caravans under threat from surrounding companies of bandits, which are attacking with increasing frequency. However, the family's political tension means the exposed treason is going to be ignored, at least publicly. [Not clear what that means.] Instead, Khirsha and Kelso are punished for their prank. [One family member commits treason while another toilet papers the neighbor's yard, and which one gets punished? This reminds me of how Stalin's parents ignored the twenty million deaths he was responsible for, but banished his brother to Siberia for making prank phone calls.] The punishment is to be reduced to servant level and cast into the villages of factions not friendly to their grandfather, who is Head-of-Family. [If you're being cast into the enemy camp, does it really matter if you've been reduced to servant level? That's like sentencing Hannibal Lecter to life in a dungeon, but first taking away his country club membership.] [Also, when being banished into the enemy camp, isn't it better if they think you're a servant and not the big cheese?] They are told to use the experience as a learning tool, but the only thing Khirsha learns is that there are more pleasurable things to do with Avalina, the daughter of his father's rival, than fight mock battles with wooden swords, a skill at which Khirsha excels. [We don't need to know he excels at wooden sword fighting.] Fortunately, since protocol dictates that Khirsha [I started out reading that as "Krishna" and I can't stop.] can do no more than Avalina allows, they are spared from complete wantonness, but Avalina allows far more than she should. [When has protocol ever prevented teenagers from getting it on?]

Regarding the treason, Khirsha has gathered clues to what is going on, but his distress at what nearly took place with Avalina has clouded his thinking [If you're gonna stress out anyway, after not doing it, you might as well have done it.] and he neglects to put the pieces together to form a solid picture. Something is happening to him which he can neither explain nor understand. And it is getting worse. Also, his involvement with Avalina has made him ashamed and uncomfortable to be around Sayla, a longtime friend who Khirsha now realizes he is drawn to, and who may have been drawn to him. [What is his longtime friend Sayla doing here in the villages of unfriendly factions?] Unfortunately, he and Avalina had been seen and Sayla no longer speaks to him. Khirsha is feeling the stress of his desire for multiple girls and wonders where the line between honor and dishonor really is. [I put it at 3.5 girls.] When he finds himself in the arms of an older, married woman who once courted his father, he knows he has crossed the line, but he feels caught, like a boat without oars flushing down a raging river toward a precipice of destruction. [Change the precipice of destruction to a waterfall of woe.] What is making him behave this way? How can he resist a madness which seems to have a life apart from his own will? [I don't care if he knows what's causing his madness; if you know, tell us.]

As Khirsha struggles with his newly awakened sexuality, [How old is this guy? He was called a warrior, but sometimes he seems fourteen, what with discovering girls and pulling pranks.] he continues to be moved like a pawn on a game board as family factions vie for political control and attacks against family caravans increase. That someone is revealing caravan schedules and routes is clear. (Could it even be his own father? What was the mysterious mission he went on?) What is not clear is [Maybe we should start by discussing what is clear.] that Khirsha's involvement with Avalina has given someone cause to take treason to the next level: murder. [Who was murdered?] And hidden to all is that on a much grander scale the Powers which fight for control of the Great Sea have chosen Khirsha's home village as their battle ground, and Khirsha himself appears to be the focus of their attention. [If he's going to save the day, he'll have to work fast. Hurry, Khirsha. Hurry, Khirsha. Hurry, hurry, Khirsha, Khirsha.]

Swords of Fire: Flames of Hatred is roughly 190,000 words.

Regards,

[Author's note, not part of query: The weapon of choice for this warrior community are swords which seem to issue fire like the business end of an ox whip. The passions of jealously and bitterness which are feeding the treason make up the title's second portion. Swords of Fire is the saga. Flames of Hatred is the first installation.]


Notes

This is a synopsis. A query should include a synopsis, but a brief one, no more than eight to ten sentences worth. This is way too much. First of all it's repetitive:

p.1: His efforts are hampered by reason of changes taking place inside him which are affecting his judgment and actions. The cause for these changes is unknown to him...

p.3: Something is happening to him which he can neither explain nor understand.


p.2: The treason has put family supply caravans under threat from surrounding companies of bandits, which are attacking with increasing frequency.

p.4: family factions vie for political control and attacks against family caravans increase.

Secondly, it is too detailed. Provide only what is important to the central plot.

Third, save the flowery writing for the book. He feels caught, like a boat without oars flushing down a raging river toward a precipice of destruction. That's too many words to say he's losing control.

All of that isn't going to shorten this enough. Start over and focus on the grander scale: war, treason, politics. Leave out the women; they don't do anything in the query. Try to make it sound more important than bandits robbing caravans. Kingdoms are at stake. Life as Khirsha knows it. The galaxy.

Who's committing treason? Why is it being ignored? Why is Khirsha important to the powers fighting for control of the Great Sea? You're providing a lot of information we don't need, and hiding what's driving the main plot.

Also, your book is going to be 700 pages. It's cheaper to print a 350-page book, and publishers know this. Maybe your book, like your query, can be trimmed.


Selected Comments

BuffySquirrel said...If nothing more significant than adolescence is happening to Khirsha, you might not want to dwell on that aspect too much. As it stands, readers are going to expect him to turn into an incubus or something. What's at stake? Why is someone betraying the family? What will happen if it continues? What's young Priapus got to do about it?


Ulysses said...190K words? First installment? Trim, gentle writer. Trim thou as though thy life depended upon it. Trim as though thou wouldst spend a year in purgatory for each word in thy manuscript. Trim as though... Look, it's too long. Cut it in half.


writtenwyrdd said...I suggest you watch out for unneeded language when you revise, such as "the story opens with" and "regarding the treason." Once you pare this letter down to the essentials--the main plot and the main character, as a start--I'd love to see the letter again. Right now I'm finding it difficult to wade through the details and determine what's the point of the book.


Sarah from Hawthorne said...Almost every single sentence in this query is in the passive voice.

For example: "His efforts are hampered by reason of changes taking place inside him which are affecting his judgment and actions."

Try something more like: "But the changes taking place inside of him wreak havoc on his judgment and actions, hampering his efforts."

When you rewrite, look for every occurrence of "is/are/to be" and try to rephrase in an active voice. Just remember: Subject, verb, object. Subject, verb, object.

Dear lord, when did I turn into the grammar nazi?


talpianna said...Since when is murder an escalation over treason? Doesn't treason more or less by definition involve getting a LOT of people on your own side killed?
I must say I couldn't find any reason to sympathize with your hero or, for that matter, even to like him. He seems to have no particular admirable characteristics. C.J. Cherryh had a character who was in much the same position, only worse (he had accidentally killed his brother), but he was very sympathetic because of his lifelong efforts to please his indifferent father, and for the way he handled exile and then allegiance to the protagonist, who was remembered as an ancient force for evil (but was nothing of the sort). Why should we be interested in this guy? He doesn't even seem to learn any life lessons.


batgirl said...What everyone else said about wordy. There's no reason to say "by reason of" even once in your query, let alone three times. The sentences are a mass of hesitation marks. There may be a good story hiding under here - it looks at least a little out of the ordinary - but it's hidden by the verbiage.

I am going to disagree with EE on one point. I don't think the peril needs to be emperilling the galaxy or even the whole world. Provided we care about Kirsha (sp?) and his family, the story could be about their peril only, and satisfy. But we do have to care about them first. And so far I don't.


Renee Collins said...I too read Krishna every single time. Even when I tried to correct myself.


BBJD said...Thank you. Thank you all for your comments. When there is a consensus one must bow to it. And since I am already flat on the ground that makes it easier to do.

Owie.

I knew it was going to be rough. I just didn’t know how rough it would be. You are, of course, perfectly correct in your evaluations. (Mostly correct, anyway. There are a couple of points I do not agree with, but those are too minor to care about.) The flaws are so obvious – when you point them out – I should have corrected them before ever sending this to an agent. Unfortunately, it is kind of a like a book I bought my son. It’s a picture book, with various animals hidden in beautiful landscapes. The idea is to locate these hidden animals (they could be anywhere and any color) and time yourself to see how long it takes. After a couple of hours of vain searching we would go to the solution and see where the animals were. Returning to the picture the animals would just jump out at us. How could we have missed them? I don’t know. Just thick, I guess.

Speaking of thick, I must confess to continued confusion, despite the wealth of help I have been given. (No, I am NOT being sarcastic.) What goes into the query anyway? Am I supposed to reveal the ending? I apologize for still being confused on this point, but I am thick. Literally.

I had intended to thank each evaluator, acknowledging their comments. Unfortunately, I created so many unanswered questions and flaws that is no longer practical. I will say thank you for taking it easy on me. Nearly all of you provided me with valuable information which should help me improve myself, and you did it in a professional manner.

I thank you all. I especially thank the agent who rejected this query and told me to come here for help. Agents do not normally do that, I don’t think. It has taken thirty years for me to get to this place. Without your help I would probably be faced with another thirty years to get to where you all are. (I have visited some of your blogs. You are all much better writers than I.) I don’t have another thirty years. Thank you for accelerating my education. I wish … Well, I guess that’s my biggest problem, isn’t it?

Thank you. I shall continue to come here to read what you have written. I enjoy your comments (when they are not written about me). I will continue to visit all of your blogs. (Don’t worry. I won’t leave comments.) I was going to submit something for the Halloween assignment, but I’m not up to that anymore. Besides, I have other work to do.


Robin S. said...Hi Author, how about taking a few days and trying for a rewrite?

Here are some nuggets I've held onto from previous EE-athon query annihilations - I think they would really help you:

I've been saving notes from EE's FaceLifts - and here are a few that I
grouped together because I think they are, taken together, a good all-around
formula for query writing:

Note from 8/23 (not 2008, so must have been 2007?) EE FaceLift:
You're telling us too much of the plot. It feels more like an outline than a
cohesive description of your story. Come up with a topic sentence for each
paragraph and build on it with a logical progression of ideas, cause and
effect, etc. This jumps from idea to idea to much.

AND:

You're telling us too much of the plot. Your goal is to interest us in the
book. Too much information is as bad as too little. Try limiting yourself to
ten sentences. It'll help you see what's necessary and what you can cut. And
of course I don't mean ten sentences that list key events; ten sentences that
take us logically through the one main story line. –EE, 8/23/07Facelift critique

Good luck! When you have it ready, pop the rewrite back here for a fresh look.

(Don't redo too quickly, in my opinion. Sit on this a few days- write a few key sentences down, and then let it stew. If you rewrite too quickly, you run the risk of simply taking bits and pieces from the old query, and trying to make them work.)


Luke S. said...bbjd-
We creators are a sensitive lot. We work hard to pour the contents of our souls onto page, labor a day to turn one phrase. It hurts when others don't see our child the same as we, but take heart: this is the process. Every author goes through it and none is spared. In the end, you will be a much better writer for it. Take a day, lick your wounds and come back stronger.


writtenwyrdd said...There's no exact formula, but if you start with an elevator pitch (a single-sentence that describes the essentials of the story) you can expand from there.

Regarding to give away the ending or not, there is no right or wrong answer. So it might be helpful to try both ways.

Best wishes for your project!


Jaz said...Author, just want to take a step out of this whole query thing and make sure that you are okay. Because although everyone gets a little sensitive about his work, I feel like maybe something else is going on that makes you a little more vulnerable and frankly the tone of your post worries me.

Remember that no one has even read your book and it may be absofrickinlutely phenomenal. It may not be, but it's not you. And even if it were total crap, you are not.

Why not still do the Halloween exercise just to let loose? I am personally entrenched in a literary short story that has taken, seriously, a year and a half to write and I am still not ready to submit it. One night for the hell of it I did one of the exercises (the woman in the painting, EE's big slushpile) and having to meet the word count actually helped me cut my (completely different) short story in places that were screaming to be cut. So maybe doing something fun and ridiculous will lift you a bit.

In any case, I hope that you are feeling better than your post suggests.


Sarah Laurenson said...An agent sent you here? Fantastic. This is a great place to learn about writing, including queries and such. Although we sometimes get a little rambunctious, we are here to help each other become better writers. And that includes getting used to rejection and critiquing.

Welcome. I hope you keep coming back and that you participate in the writing exercises.

Oh and some of the anon posters are best ignored. Not particularly talking about the ones here, just saying...


Anonymous said...Some people don't quite think of the writing as separate from themselves. If that's you, it might be best to seek feedback in a face-to-face venue like a class or critique group, not the blogosphere.


Robin S. said...I agree with Sarah about most everything, but especially about the anons (some are good and you can tell from what they're saying, and how they're saying it, who they are) and some like being anonymous mean shits. So, just listen to the ones trying to be helpful, and, about the others, remember the old saying:

"It's easy to be a know-it-all self-righteous dickwad of an asshole when you're anonymous." Can't remember who said that. Oh yeah. That's right. It was me.

Also - you can really learn a lot about structure, rhythm and timing, and word count polishing with these writing exercises. Sounds nuts, but it's true.

Hope you do one, author.


BuffySquirrel said...We don't destroy people emotionally here. We leave that to the industry.


Phoenix said...Author, I hope you do a revision and post it back here. Sometimes it takes a couple of rounds to "get it" (the what goes in a query thing) and then comes another couple of rounds to refine. Either that or answer some of the questions posed, such as what the stakes really are, why the main character is sympathetic, and what he learns in this installment. With that info, one or two of us could work this initial draft into a query that follows formula and fits on a page -- a tangible example.

You know, sometimes we can read a billion examples and really feel we understand the process, but when it comes to OUR work, we completely cave and just don't see how to apply the process to our own work.

Would you care to divulge who the agent was who sent you? That's kinda cool!



writtenwyrdd said...The best way to learn writing is by writing, and the best way to learn to be critiqued is to endure it, say thanks and go off and ponder the merits (or lack thereof) in what others have said about your work.

No one likes criticism of their art, but you must learn to endure it and to take an emotional step back. Because if you cannot develop an emotional distance from your writing, you won't be able to see what you wrote instead of what you intended to write.

On this site it's rare that anyone is really deliberately cruel, though, so please don't take anyone's words as an attack on you personally. It is terribly easy to be misunderstood as to intent via written word, so bear that in mind, Author.


BBJD said...Dear Group,

Thank you for your new comments, and again for your old. And thank you for your concern. However, do realize that while I may look the part, I am not a giant egg newly fallen from a wall. I will get up again. I always do. I have been knocked down a lot over the years. Especially the last few.

I expected to be blasted and I expected it to hurt, but I knew before I made my submission that whatever criticism I took would only be to my benefit. I will write better than I have before, thanks to all of you. When I can submit again please do not withhold comment because you think me weak. Give me the truth – as you did this time. I am not so fragile as I seem. “I get melancholy sometimes. It’s a disease common to mountain men and folk who are alone a lot.” (Ben Rumson speaking to Partner in Paint Your Wagon).

It may be a while before I can submit anything from Swords of Fire. My task looms before me like the national debt. Flames of Hatred is 190,000 words. Book II, The Prophecies of Madatar, is 180,000 words. Book III, Bonds of Love, is on hold now, already at 50,000 words and not even half completed. Then there are Books IV, V and VI, which I have not officially begun to write but the storylines are mostly ready. I have to find a way to convert each of these books to less than 100,000 words. I can do it. Flames of Hatred was once 250,000 words. Tavaar’s background story (the married woman referenced in the query) is 500,000 words, but I guess that doesn’t count and I can leave it be. It’s a lot of work, but I expect you have all worked harder. That is why you are able to help.

I will give the exercises a go. I’m not sure about the Halloween one, though. It’s almost three in the morning and I haven’t slept yet. I believe the deadline is seven hours away.

You are all admirable people. I am glad to have met each of you.

Thank you again

Bevie


Note: The author died in 2010, but not without participating in several writing exercises here .

New Beginning 976

The Briscoe Prison van pulled up to the bus stop at the Shell station off Interstate 35, the West Texas sun hanging just past noon.

Joe Fane and the guard got out, the guard saying, "You got your ticket, your gate money, your parole certificate." He presented a clipboard. "Sign here." Joe signed.

The guard kept up his chatter: "You get to Houston, you check in with your PO. Twenty-four hours, understood?"

Joe understood.

"Else your name goes on the fugitive list."

Traffic rushed by on the interstate. Joe squinted across the desiccated prairie toward Laredo, eighty miles to the southwest. He pictured the bridge there, the border. Cross over, hitchhike to the coast. Sign on with a boat crew and beach himself on a Caribbean island. Charley Shyler would never find him.

"One more thing--don't blow your money on pussy." The guard tossed his clipboard into the van. "You got family there?"

"Not anymore."

"That's not good. What about friends?"

Joe shrugged. "Guess I'll find out.

The bus hove into view, exiting the interstate onto the service road and up an incline. It lumbered onto the shoulder and stopped, brakes exhaling. The passenger door whooshed open. The driver appeared. "Ticket."

Joe handed it up, waiting as the driver rifled through the flimsy sheets, tearing out parts.

"San Antone through to Houston, one way."

Joe boarded the bus.

The guard called after, "Six months, Joe. That's all you gotta do. Don't fuck it up."

The guard sighed in chorus with the closing door. Another one ready to venture out on his own. But he knew the odds were not in Joe's favor.

He waved at the receding bus, unsure whether Fane could see him, or even cared to look. Maybe for the best they didn't get too attached, anyway.

"Go, my friend, run. Be free. Be free."

Barely had the bus trundled back on to the highway ramp, when a giant hawk swooped out of the sky and grabbed the vehicle in its sharp talons.

"Noooo! Not again!" The guard's heart fell. Why was it always so difficult, so risky, to release them back into the wild?


Opening: jcwriter.....Continuation: anon.

Face-Lift 1083

Guess the Plot

Texas Tango

1. Most places in the world it takes two to Tango, but here in Texas -- it takes three.

2. The year: 1870. The city: Death Gulch, Texas, home of the infamous dance duel. Alphonse the Kid has shot 24 men across the Wild West. But is he tough enough to survive the . . . Texas Tango?

3. Released after five years in a Texas prison, Joe Fane just wants to get on with his life. But first he needs transportation, so he car-jacks an SUV, which happens to contain an Uzi and two dozen gold bars. He probably should fence the gold and live like a king, but instead he uses it to frame his hated father-in-law for theft. It's a "priorities" thing.

4. When sultry Latina dancer Muriel Fuego is accused of murdering her manager, crack homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: the Texas Two-Step is for squares, and he’s got to get some of those jazzy dance shoes with the pointy toes and built-up heels.

5. It's Brokeback Mountain meets Strictly Ballroom when two gunslingers meet their destinies, not to the sound of blazing six-guns on the streets of Laredo, but to the strains of an Argentine tango in the Longbranch Saloon. Also, a transvestite ivory-tickler.

6. There are so many Texans on death row they have to execute them two at a time, which is how the long walk to the execution chamber has come to be called the Texas tango. But when ballroom instructor Melina Kerchenko and her student/lover Bob Lucas are sentenced for murdering Bob's wife, they literally tango to their deaths.



Original Version

Dear E-Squared:

After five years in state prison, Joe Fane returns to Houston to serve a six-month parole. Divorced, broke, and jobless, he moves into a halfway house--hardly the lifestyle he enjoyed as son-in-law to rogue banker Charley Shyler. [Change his name to Charley Shyster.] All Joe wants is to do his time and move on.

Charley himself avoided prison only because Joe took a fall. Now, paranoid that his former protege knows too much, Charley takes Joe on a midnight ride, presenting him with a choice: reaffirm his loyalty by making a contract hit, or else. [Spending five years in prison without talking doesn't show he's loyal, but killing some stranger does?] But Joe is no killer; seizing an unguarded moment, he breaks free, [Breaks free of what?] carjacks an SUV, [Where is this midnight ride, downtown Houston?] and escapes. When he abandons the vehicle, he discovers a loaded Uzi and two dozen gold bars. [Most people abandoning a vehicle they car-jacked wouldn't hang around searching it on the off chance that there are gold bars in the trunk or under the passenger seat.]

Joe is elated, then dubious. Is the gold stolen?--probably. Can he fence it?--not quickly. Without certificates of assay, complications would arise. [My admittedly limited research reveals that certificates of assay are rarely provided or expected, especially not with bars big enough to be worth two million dollars per two dozen.] Word would leak out, Charley would hear. And what about the guy Joe car-jacked? [Maybe he was just delivering the gold bars to someone who ordered them online.] [Possible subplot: a guy's boss tells him to hire an armored truck to transport two dozen gold bars across town. But the guy thinks, Hey, I'll drive them over myself, after work, and pocket the armored truck fee. So he's driving across town in his SUV at midnight with the gold bars in a grocery bag, and as he's eating a Taco Bell Volcano Burrito at a red light, suddenly a guy jumps out of the car next to him and pulls him out of his SUV and takes off. So now he's standing there with beans and sauce all over his shirt, wondering how he's gonna explain to his boss that he lost the gold bars.] [It suddenly occurs to me that this guy's story is far more interesting than Joe's story. Can we make Joe the subplot?]

Instead of peddling the gold, Joe plays on Charley's greed. He enlists Molly Teague--an old flame--to pitch a phony land deal, conning Charley into holding the gold as collateral for a two-million-dollar loan. [If you'll lend me two million dollars to buy a plot of land, I'll let you hold onto these gold bars for which I have no proof of ownership and which I don't want to use to buy the land.] Once the money is wired to an offshore account, Joe and Molly will go their separate ways--

--and Joe will tip the FBI to the illicit treasure sitting in Charley's bank. [If I'm Molly, I'm not going my separate way unless that was my offshore account the money went to.] So long, Charley. [If Charley accepts the gold as collateral on a loan, wouldn't the FBI be more interested in the borrower than the lender?]

It almost works.

TEXAS TANGO is an 82,000-word crime novel. Thank you for your time.

Yours truly,


Notes

Is the person Joe is supposed to kill in the car with him and Charley? If not, why does he need to escape? He could just say, Okay, I'll kill whoever, and then disappear.

Does Joe have a gun when he steals the SUV? Because it seems to me the guy driving around with stolen gold bars is more likely to be armed than the guy on parole.

Many of my annoying questions undoubtedly are easily answered. You don't need to answer them in the query, but if you can answer a couple and eliminate whatever inspired a couple, it will seem less preposterous. 

Trick or TreatCampfire IThe Costume ShopCampfire II...

 

Trick or Treat

Campfire I

The Costume Shop

Campfire II

The Mysterious Shop

Bibliomancer

Face-Lift 1082

Guess the Plot

The Wanderer and the Wyvern

1. Phoebus the vampire would have an easier time wiping out his former clan if he had an ally who was a wivern. Unfortunately, he turned the only wivern in town into a human. And then fell in love with him. Maybe they should just move to Manitoba together and get married.

2. He wanders the villages of East Umbria, riding upon his shoulder the last living wyvern in the Northern Realm. Those who would blaspheme the Lord of West Onyx tremble before his approach, many fleeing to the Southern Reaches, or maybe Palm Beach, depending on the season.

3. After twenty years of marriage to a nagging, passive-aggressive woman, Vern hits the road searching for happiness. Yet he cannot escape. A tiny black bird with his wife's voice and overdone make-up haunts his nights, endlessly asking: "why, Vern?"

4. Kakafonius is an itinerant bard. Dulce is a mauve and green were-wyvern, who can transform at will. Together they deliver tales of love, ambition, glory and deception as they ride united across the Kingdom.

5. Jack Schultz sets out to hitchhike across the United States. The first ride he gets is from a wyvern. As the two fly over the Great Plains, the Rockies, and the southwestern deserts, they debate serious philosophical questions.

6. Dr Marian Jacobs has finally found her Holy Grail: a pristine copy of the 13th C romance, "The Wanderer and the Wyvern". Unfortunately her long-term department rival, Dr Jason Reynolds, has also spotted the manuscript. Should she seduce him--or shoot him? Also, tenure.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Phoebus and Abatis are not your typical heroes. They're the ones you would usually find terrorizing villagers or taking over the world. [But with kindness.]

Phoebus has managed to capture Abatis, the legendary dragon. He hopes the creature will aid him in his conquest against [Conquest of or battle against.] his former clan, the Demon Whisperers; a formidable group of vampires that make pacts with the demons of Hell in exchange for dark powers of their own. [Do they whisper when making these pacts with demons? I ask because I've never thought of demons as the type who like it nice and quiet.] [Also, I'd go with a comma or a dash or a colon rather than a semicolon.] Though, instead of just asking for his help, Phoebus has turned the dragon human. [Big mistake. A dragon's power rating is much higher than a human's when it comes to fighting vampires.]

Having to deal with this resentful and foul-mouthed servant, Phoebus tries his best to keep things as professional as he can with a whip in his hand. This becomes difficult when his own demon, the flamboyant Gwynfor, continually insists on interfering and making things more intimate. [Things? What things? Is it Phoebus and his servant or Phoebus and his demon who are intimate?] There isn't much the vampire can do against the demon, lest he wishes for [without effecting/inviting] his own death. Or worse. So he goes along with it, and eventually the two [Which two?] begin to form a much closer bond. A bond Gwynfor intends to take full advantage of.

Just as things [There's that word again.] between Phoebus and Abatis have become nice and comfortable, Gwynfor comes to the vampire with the news that his new lover will be his downfall. That his goal to destroy his former clan has been greatly compromised by their relationship. [When a demon comes to you with "news," is it a good idea to base important decisions on that news? Is it a good idea to even believe him?]

Now the proud Phoebus must make a choice. Either one that will keep him from his victory over the Demon Whisperers. Or one that could not only endanger his own life, but the life of Abatis as well. [Apparently you're saying the choice to stick with Abatis means the clan win. From which I infer that dumping Abatis means the clan loses (though I'm not sure how that can be known; if Phoebus ends his relationship with Abatis, does he fight the clan alone or does Abatis fight with him?). You're also saying dumping Abatis endangers Phoebus and Abatis. From which I infer that not dumping Abatis keeps them safe. But if dumping Abatis means fighting the clan in an epic battle, I don't see how they can be assumed safe. Nor is it clear what endangers them if they stay together and move to Manitoba.

It sounds like P and A are pretty much through whether the Whisperers are defeated or not. So the obvious choice is to defeat them. Maybe. I need a chart to make this clear.

Stick with Abatis..............Dump Abatis
     Clan wins ..................  Clan loses?
  A and P safe?............A and P endangered.
     
That didn't help. The sentence (not three sentences) should be: Now the proud Phoebus must make a choice: victory over the Demon Whisperers, or his friendship/bond/fling/romance with Abatis. At least that's a choice. Is it the choice in the book?]

THE WANDERER AND THE WYVERN (137,111 words) is a co-authored erotic fantasy, where the point of view switches between both Phoebus and Abatis. [No need for the word "both," as it's implied by the word "between."] [And it's unlikely the reader will care whose POV the story is told from, anyway.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


((P.S. I know the word count is HUGE. I am working on that. A lot. There's still a good amount to do editing-wise to my MS, but I figured I'd start on the query to help keep me motivated.))


Notes

In my opinion you must tell us why Phoebus is out to destroy his former clan. What does he gain from victory that might make it worth giving up Abatis?

How can one normal vampire defeat a whole clan of vampires who've acquired new dark powers? If only his one ally were still a dragon instead of a puny human.

Is Phoebus the wanderer? I would assume he hangs out where his clan is, plotting their demise. Where does he wander to?