Evil Editor's Blog, page 153

Evil Editor Thanksgiving Classics

1. (from Evil Editor Teaches School)

I was just sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner with King Solomon when there came a knock on the door. "Who could that be?" I wondered aloud.

"Only one way to find out, EE," Sol said.

"Ah, your wisdom has not diminished with age," I told him. I opened the door, and for a moment thought I was looking into a mirror, until I realized the man standing there was slightly less attractive than myself. "What's the idea?" I asked. "Where'd you get the Evil Editor mask?"

"Whattaya mean?" he replied. "I'm Evil Editor. What are you doing in my house?"

"Better let me handle this," King S. said. "It's right up my alley." He looked around the room and said, "I note that there's a mountain of manuscripts in the corner. You shall each take half of them. Whoever finds a salable book first is clearly the real EE."

"Fine," said our new guest. He grabbed up a manuscript, read a sentence and tossed it, then grabbed another, and another, and another. He was fast, I had to admit.

I went to work myself: I got out a snow shovel and within a minute had deposited my half of the manuscripts in the fireplace, just as the other EE announced he'd found a potential bestseller. "I win," he said, but he hadn't counted on the wisdom of Solomon.

"Get out," the king told him. "You're clearly an imposter. The real EE would never admit to finding a salable manuscript in the slush. Pass the gravy, would you EE?"

--Evil Editor


2. (from Novel Deviations, vol. 1)

“We’ve got something men want, don’t we, Aunt Faye?” Nicole said, punctuating her statement with a smirk.

“How’d you get to be so cynical?”

“Experience!” the twenty-one-year-old shot back. Another small coup. Her control of the table was established.


Nicole and Faye sat near the end of a Thanksgiving table laden with wealth. The value of the paintings in the dining room alone would have been enough to make a small, impoverished country give thanks. Nicole was wearing one of her silky black dresses. It might have looked slutty, if it hadn’t had a four digit price tag.

“Mark understands the score,” Nicole continued.

Frumpy Aunt Faye, who had one husband in the ground, one ex-husband barely above ground, and another man on the way to the altar, didn’t like being upstaged by 21-year-old Nicole on the question of relationships.

She dabbed her lips with her napkin and said, "Not to brag, my dear, but I've quaffed more meat popsicle in my time than you will if you live to be a hundred."

The room went silent.

"Including your precious Mark's," Aunt Faye added with a wink. That last part wasn't true, but what did it matter? She had regained control of the table.

Opening: Bichon.....Continuation: Evil Editor


3. Thanksgiving Toons








4. Guess the Title

Thanksgiving being a day we celebrate by eating, I've taken the subtitles of ten food-and-drink-related books that are for sale online from Barnes and Noble. Your job is to guess which title goes with each subtitle.


The One! The Only! Guide to Cooking on Your Car Engine!

Gourmet Grill
Manifold Destiny
Radiator Roadkill
Carburetor Cuisine
The Six-Cylinder Superchef
On the Road . . . With Meatloaf and Steak Fries


Recipes and Rants

The Cranky Chef
Kristen Nelson Cooks!
Bitchin In The Kitchen
Gordon Ramsay's Fuckfest
The Crabby Cook Cookbook
Frost My Chocolates and Roast My Butt


Drinking Games for Times You'll Never Remember with Friends You'll Never Forget

Shit Faced
The Imbible
Pickle My Liver
Beer Pong and Beyond
Wasted and No Remembrance
George W. Bush’s Guide to College


Recipes for Self-Loathing

Humble Pies
Bevittle Yourself
Eat Your Feelings
The Blimp in the Mirror
The Sylvia Plath Cookbook
How Sharp is Your Chef's Knife?


Grim and Ghastly Recipes for the Gruesome Gourmand

Awful Offal
First, Peel the Otter
Ghoulish Gastronomy
The Zombie Cookbook
The Brains are the Best Part
When I Asked You to Bring Me Some Grub, I Didn't Mean it Literally


Have Your Best Friend for Dinner

Poached Pooch
The Pet Cookbook
The Culinary Cannibal
The Donner Party Recipes
The Cuisine of Papua New Guinea
Hannibal Lecter’s Guide to Entertaining


A Philosopher's Guide to Wine

Plato on Pinot
Vintage Insights
Que Syrah Syrah
Descartes Decanted
I Drink Therefore I Am
The Transcendental Oenophile


The Art of Miserable Meal Making

Just Nuke It
When I Cook, They Run
Last Meals in the Worst Prisons on Earth
The Cat Food Commission's Gourmet Automat
The Gray Ground Meat and Brown Vegetable Cookbook
The Worse I Cook, The More He Takes Me Out to Dinner


Hold the Mayo, Muffy--I'm Feeling Miracle Whipped Tonight

Deli Delights
Condiment Love
Sandwich Frenzy
The Ellora's Cave Cook Book
How to Eat Like a Republican
There's Something About Reuben


Thirty Eight Lip-Smackin' Meals Men Can Cook in the Garage...Using Their Own Tools!

Me Hungry
Cook Like A Stud
Man Cave Recipes
Eat This--I Dare Ya!
Who Needs a Kitchen?
Grab a plate! It’s Hammertime!



Answers below


Fake titles were submitted by Dave F., Angela Robbins, Khazar-khum, anon., Faceless Minion, Slush, Steve Prosapio, Evil Editor, Marissa Doyle, BuffySquirrel, Madison, and Maureen.



Actual Book Titles:

Manifold Destiny
The Crabby Cook Cookbook
The Imbible
Eat Your Feelings
First, Peel the Otter
The Pet Cookbook
I Drink Therefore I Am
When I Cook, They Run
How to Eat Like a Republican
Cook-Like-A-Stud

Thankgiving Dinner Needn't be the Same Old Same Old

Make this year's Thanksgiving dinner special.

I posted this recipe a couple years ago, but no one reported back that they had tried it. It sounds like more work than just roasting a turkey, but when you see the results, I think you'll agree it's worth it.

Face-Lift 1086

Guess the Plot

Wilding

1. The magical beings in my book are called wildlings. For instance, Mia Twinblades is a wildling. The book is called Wilding. For instance, Lock your doors while Wilding's wily wildlings are wilding.

2. Chronicles of a weredingo that refused to conform.

3. The multigenerational saga of the Wilding family, whose plucky women struggle to regain control of the fashion empire built by the poor but feisty Emily, and ripped from them by scheming rich girl Adeline. On the way they battle heartaches...oh, you can fill in the blanks.

4. A nation is horrified as a group of young boys, apparently engaged in "wilding," brutally attack a woman jogging in a park. Twenty-some years later, when it turns out that the now-grown-men, all of whom served prison terms, hadn't actually attacked anybody, a nation shrugs.

5. Amish youth have Rumspringa, a time to sample the decadent outside world before committing to Amish life. Were-creatures have the Wilding: two weeks without the Magistrate’s rules, a time to slake blood-lusts (and other lusts). When Rumspringa and Wilding collide in Lancaster County, teen Amanda Hofstetter must decide which lifepath to take: hallowed, heretical, or hairy.

6. Gangs of hooligans have made Gloucester the most dangerous town in the country. And the police are helpless to stop it. Enter ex-Navy SEAL Jake Carter, aka . . . The Vigilante.



Original Version

Dear Agent,

Being a wildling has its advantages: perpetual youth, enhanced strength, and accelerated healing. [They're like that angel guy on Supernatural. Or vampires.] Unfortunately for Mia Twinblades, it also comes with side effects like hallucinations, uncontrollable magic, and incipient madness that may lead to an explosive death.

When Mia stumbles upon a murder and kidnapping in progress, [Or is it one of her hallucinations?] she finds herself caught in a web of political intrigue and slavery. Magically gifted children are disappearing from the streets of Iliana, and demons are being ripped from the Abyss against their will. [By whom?] Forced into a deal with a demonic auditor, she has seven days to stop the abductions or spend eternity in the Abyss. [Why is she the one who has to do this? I don't see perpetual youth, enhanced strength, accelerated healing . . . and uncontrollable magic making her a better candidate than the authorities (or a demonic auditor) to handle this job.] Having a newly orphaned kid underfoot is bad enough, [I take this to mean the kid was the target of the kidnappers and she rescued him? And this somehow forces her into a deal with a demonic auditor?] [Is she supposed to just stop the gifted children abductions or also the demon abductions?] but things really get complicated when another wildling enters the mix. After nearly fifty years of searching, Mia’s elation at finding another one of her kind—and a gorgeous male one at that—quickly fades when she discovers that he is determined to sacrifice the boy she has sworn to protect. [So the boy isn't a wildling?] Will she choose the man she could come dangerously close to loving or the child who has captured her heart? [Or will she find a third option, one that makes everyone happy?]

Set in the fantasy world of Mara where demons operate casinos an [and] aristocrats use magically gifted children as weapons, my novel, Wilding, is complete at 92,000 words and will appeal to fans of Lisa Shearin’s Raine Benares books.

Currently employed as a nuclear chemist in southern Vermont, I’ve done everything from wrestling alligators to modeling. [Needless to say, my modeling career pretty much hit the skids after that last alligator wrestling match.] [On the alphabetical list of occupations that goes: aardvark breeder, actuary, aeronautical engineer, airplane pilot, alligator wrestler, anaconda wrestler, Aquaman, hundreds of other occupations, model, I doubt you've been everything from alligator wrestler to model. However, on the randomly ordered list of occupations that goes . . . cartographer, demonic auditor, alligator wrestler, waitress, cosmetics salesperson, model, falcon trainer . . . okay.] Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


[Note to EE: Wildlings are a race of nearly extinct magical beings to which Mia Twinblades and the primary antagonist belong.] [So the new wilding is the primary antagonist? I had the impression he was the love interest.]



Notes

Presumably you've misspelled the only word in your title?

If the magically gifted children being abducted aren't wildlings, what are they?

Aristocrats are kidnapping magically gifted children and using them as weapons? Against whom? Are the aristocrats also the ones behind the demons being pulled from the abyss? Is that what they need the children for? What is the goal of the aristocrats?

In a world where demons are being ripped from the abyss against their will, I wouldn't expect them to also be running casinos.

Why doesn't the demonic auditor suggest that Mia team up with him instead of telling her she has seven days to fix things on her own or else?

How does Mia know this new guy is a wildling? Can you tell by looking at someone that he/she is a wildling?

The story isn't presented with enough clarity. Talk to us like we're idiots incapable of understanding anything that isn't explained with baby steps.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Divinity

1. Atheist Harold Parks enrolls in divinity school because "there's easy money in religion." But he gets the shock of his life when he shows up for his Introduction to Spirituality class and discovers it's being taught by God.

2. When Isis’s family moves to Cairo, Illinois, she just knows there is something strange about the popular kids at her new high school. When mysterious Osiris invites her to the prom, she decides to look past his green skin and amusingly long goatee. But what will she say when he asks her to rule the underworld with him?

3. When Divinity, the Kentucky Derby hopeful belonging to Hollywood bigwig Saul Cohen, is found eating the remains of his jockey Ramon Peralta, Homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: the horse didn't shoot the jock, and he's never going to give that animal a carrot.

4. Twelve-year-old twin boys are tasked with stealing the power of a goddess. One of them decides to torture her and the other decides to have sex with her. Which one will succeed, thus becoming heir to the throne?

5. Making sweets is never easy, especially now that sugar is outlawed. In a world overrun by diabetics, Stan Barker is one of the last candy bootleggers alive--though his recent order for a large shipment of Divinity may change that.

6. Unknown to the layman, the truly pious and benevolent popes receive the ultimate promotion: to godhood. Or so it's long been believed; so far no one's actually made it.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Princes Veylan and Starfa had long awaited their twelfth birthday, when they were finally entrusted with the secret behind their kingdom’s prosperity and their father’s power: the goddess Caera, who they have worshipped all their lives, is a human girl, and a prisoner of the royal family of Forsyia, and it is her power that their ancestors have wielded [Is this sentence ever going to end? I've read novellas that were shorter.] for Forsyia’s benefit, controlling the weather, the wealth, and even the . [Amazing. It didn't end. Apparently you realized you were trapped in a literary time warp and that the only way out was to abandon the sentence.] [I'm guessing the sentence was supposed to end with another "w" for its alliterative quality, probably: . . . controlling the weather, the wealth, and even the weasels.] [Actually, that's not half bad. We have Tarzan, who controls elephants, and Aquaman, who controls fish, why not a weasel-controlling superhero? We'll call her Weasel. And when she's in trouble she summons her sneak of weasels to save the day. Hey, it's got to be an improvement over the actual story.] [Seriously, there'd be fewer unsolved crimes if the cops used trained weasels.] The princes were also given a task. They had six years to learn the secrets of extracting her power though [through] sex and torture, [Didn't you say they were twelve years old? And they're supposed to use sex and torture?] and whichever of them acquires magic from her first will become the official heir to the throne [as well as the unofficial target of the other one].

A week before their scheduled trials with the goddess, [If the trials are scheduled in advance, how will they know who acquired the goddess's magic first if they've both acquired it?] Veylan liberates and runs away with her, hoping to convince the goddess to share her magic with him, but is thwarted by her hatred of his family. In the meantime, Starfa is commanded to take charge of the search for the fugitives. Life gets even more complicated when a servant poisons the king, and without Caerassa’s magic to keep things in order, Forsyia is thrown into chaos. [Is Caerassa the same character who was Caera in the preceding paragraph?] Rain starts pouring down, [Do we need to know it's raining?] the plants are showing signs of disease, and panic fills the air. Starfa must find a way to stop the slow death of the kingdom [If you want us to accept that the kingdom is dying, you need better evidence than a rainstorm and some wilting plants. It's raining here and my plants all died long ago, but I'm not panicking over the state of the union.] until he can capture the pair, and steal Caerassa’s magic to put everything right again.

My fantasy novel, DIVINITY, is complete at 90,000 words. I have included the prologue and first two chapters here for your perusal. My flash fiction has been published in Thaumatrope, an online Twitter magazine. [Twitter magazine? Meaning your published fiction was about twenty words long? This isn't a selling point when you're pushing a 90,000-word book.] [The first sentence of this query is long enough to be four Twitter submissions.] [What's the difference between getting published in Thaumatrope and having one of your tweets retweeted?]

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

Forsyia needs a better name, one that's pronounceable. Like Forsythia.

Why is it that someone with magical powers can't escape on her own? And once Veylan gets her out of town, why doesn't she just kill him with a bolt of lightning or turn him into a weasel?

I don't get the six years part. If one prince figures out how to steal the goddess's power in two years, he has to wait for the trials that are scheduled four years later, by which time the other prince may have also figured it out? Your trial with the goddess should be arranged the moment you think you have the answer.

Is this book intended for adults?

It's not clear how sex and torture come in, or whether weasels are involved.

If the goddess is actually a human girl, does she have powers or not? Can she at least summon weasels?

This needs clarity. I have too many questions. Answer some of them or remove whatever is inspiring them. I'd focus on the princes and how each of them plans to get the goddess's power and how the "contest" affects their relationship. The chaos in the kingdom can be left out.

Research shows that "sneak" is not the only collective noun for weasels. A weasel sneak can also be called a nate, boogle, pack, confusion, or colony.


Selected Comments

josephrobertlewis said...There are many holes in this query, but I will focus on the characters:

1. Why are a couple of 12-year-olds given access to a god that sustains the world?

2. Why are a couple of 12-year-olds entrusted with analyzing a god?

3. Why are a couple of 12-year-olds having sex?

4. If these 12-year-olds aren't human, what are they?

5. Who is the target reader? As an adult, I don't want to read about 12-year-olds. As a parent, I don't want my kids reading about 12-year-olds having sex.


Evil Editor said...The 12-year-olds had six years to prepare for their "trial" with the goddess, so it's likely they are 18 when the actual torture/sex occurs (if it does occur--apparently the goddess is liberated before it occurs).

Of course, they supposedly spent those six years learning the secrets of extracting Caela's power through sex and torture, and 12 does seem a bit young to be learning such secrets, but perhaps the earlier years of their training were spent torturing and having sex with weasels.


josephrobertlewis said...Ah, so, you read it to mean that at age 12 they began training to abuse their goddess sexually for the purpose of stealing her magic?

Does the book chronicle these six years of S and M schooling? Or does it just jump into the actual abuse at age 18?

So Veylan is a "hero" because he chooses to not abuse her?

The query is too much backstory, not enough plot or character.


Phoenix said...Author: Imagine a beautiful, leggy blonde standing beside you, patting your arm, and saying very gently, "Honey, this query isn't very good."

What IS good is that you recognized your query might need some work and submitted it here for constructive criticism before you sent it out into the real world. Kudos to you! That takes smarts and courage!

EE has given you a strong start for your rewrite. I'll be back later with more constructive thoughts, but first I've got to see if I can find a beautiful, leggy blonde somewhere ...


pacatrue said...Thanks to Phoenix, I now have Flight of the Conchords' Leggy Blonde in my head.

For the query, if we've got teens learning the way to extract power through sex and torture, I assume the novel is intended to be delightfully dark and twisted, and we enjoy it all because it's clearly not real. That tone needs to be seen throughout the query.

Incidentally, I'd think there'd be a large market for learning the techniques of extracting power through sex, so can you turn this into a self-help book? Something like "Conquer the World Through Orgasm." Even if everyone else has the book so that no one becomes King or Queen, well, the battles will be the stuff of legend. And sell for quite a bit on the Internet. This has suddenly become my favorite query in months!


150 said...I metaphorically put this query down once it got all rapey.

I was in Thaumatrope too, but I wouldn't include it as a pub cred.

Whichever brother is your main character, focus the query on him.

If you post a revised version in the comments, we'll take another look. Good luck!


Angie said...This concept really creeped me out, and I am not the kind of girl who usually gets creeped out easily, you see because I am a little on the R rated or maybe even X rated side, I am not sure, but for all practical purposes, you see, I am just that, and so when something creeps me out, like implying that a couple of twelve year-old boys are having their ways with some goddess, who I am still not sure is human or not, or if she has powers or not, that just really gives me the willies.

I bet you didn't enjoy reading that long run on sentence did you?
Sorry. Couldn't resist. Keep your sentences shorter, more concise. Someone is going to get tired of reading on and on like that in your query. And then the sentence just stops with no conclusive thought. They'll be wondering if your entire book is like that, too.

Also, who is your audience? I'm not sure teens or adults are going to be thrilled over the 12yo boys having it on with the goddess. And adults certainly aren't going to want their teens reading that.

I agree with EE's points. Focus on them. I give you an A for having the guts to submit to EE and his minions.


no_bull_steve said...I hate to pile on here, but the odds of a literary agent getting beyond this query and reading pages is unlikely. Bravo/a to the author for submitting this here. My advice would be to NOT query for this novel, put it away for 3-6 months and work on something else. When you've completed the first draft of that manuscript, reopen this one, print it out and reread it with fresh eyes. I suspect you'll notice errors that you're currently not able to see.


Nicolette said...I was pretty creeped out by this query too. Mostly by the goddess being a girl and the boys' father somehow knowing that her magic is extracted by torture and sex. How did he find out? Did someone tell him? Or did he experiment until he came to that conclusion? Shudder.

Apart from that and all the other unwelcome images that this query projected into my mind, I think that there lies some interesting story in this, if you leave out the actual S and M-scenes. If you focus on how all this influences the boys and the goddess mentally, it might make an interesting yet still very disturbing read. Do they commence with the torture and sex without hesitation, just because they are told they should? Do they try to out-cruel each other in hopes of getting to the magic first? Do they ever feel sorry for the girl? I'm thinking in the direction of the Milgram-experiments but creepier.

Still, while reading a story like that, I really wouldn't be very interested in whether or not the plants die.

If you have taken an approach like that, you should make that clear in the query.


Steve Wright said...Well, you can sort out simple proofreading errors (like the very long unfinished sentence, or the inconsistent character name). The bigger problem, though, is that this story is coming across as really creepy, and I'm not sure how you can deal with that.

Are the sex and torture integral to the story, or can they reasonably be toned down in the query? (I'm not necessarily opposed to sex and torture - in books, that is. And some people have done quite well out of them: Jacqueline Carey springs to mind. But you've got to admit, when you've got teenagers going to S and M school, you're aiming at a niche market, at best.)


Dave F. said...I have this feeling that your story is not what you wrote about in the query.

I'm sure that when Nabokov shopped "Lolita" to publishers that he got a few reactions that bordered on profanity, if not shear disbelief: "She's jailbait!" or "He's lusting over a child!" And I use Nabokov to illustrate that controversial subjects can be dealt with. But the author has to pick better words than those presented in this query.

It would help to know the grand climax of the novel. Does one brother triumph? Or do both find a way to govern? That's going to be the emotional story you want to sell to an agent.

It might be better to start the query from the when the princes are older, like 18 and not tie your hands. "After six years of training, Princes Velan and Starfa must control the Goddess Cara to rule the kingdom. But only one can rule and the other must sink into obscurity.

That gets you into the poisoning of the King and the Goddess' flight with one of the brothers as complications.

I'm guessing that you set up the dichotomy between black and white, good and evil -- love and torture -- as a metaphor for the decisions reached in the story. Since the Princes are twins, then one must win and the other must lose. Perhaps you should focus on the winning side in the query.

Is it possible that this is the Goddess Cara's story? That she convinces the princes to let her free and run the kingdom without magic? That POV might help you. Love and torture become merely minor elements to the plot. The Goddess Cara has been held captive for centuries in order to keep the kingdom of Fresca prosperous. She must once again choose between two princes, one of whom will love her and the other who will torment her. But this time, thanks to the king being poisoned and etc...

Those are all possibilities for the author to consider.


Sina'i Enantia said...Ok, time for me to stop hiding behind the pillar, I guess.

I knew this query letter had some serious issues, and I'm glad I submitted it here first. So, thank you all for your comments. They're very helpful and give me a pretty good idea of what needs work. (For one thing, I am now deeply, deeply ashamed of that first sentence and the fact that it escaped me.) I'll definitely be spending some time revising. I'm also glad I got feedback on the Thaumatrope credit - it is a paid market, so I wasn't sure if that would make a difference to an editor.

A few things I would like to clarify: 1. The princes are NOT 12 years old throughout most of the book (which is probably one of my bigger issues in the query). They're 18.

2. Caera/Caerassa are the same person - she's a human that is thought to be a goddess. She does have magic, but has a spell on her so she can't use it.

3. An adult book. Definitely an adult book. There is no way I'd market this as anything but adult fantasy.

(And I'll have to work on making sure that's understandable within a query, as an editor's not going to give me a chance to answer questions later.)

Thanks again, EE and minions, for all the feedback!


josephrobertlewis said...If the princes are main characters, and this is an adult book, do they have to be 18? Because frankly, I remember senior year of high school and I don't want to read about a bunch of those people saving/destroying the world.

Can't they at least be young adults, or even pushing 30?


Sina'i Enantia said...I've thought about doing parts of the book from Caerassa's POV (there's a total of four viewpoint characters in the book), but always had major reservations about it (other than just adding another viewpoint character).

Caerassa, right now, is the x-factor in the story, and the one whose actions and moods everyone else depends on. If I had her POV, especially later in the story, it would take all of the mystery out of it. In a way, this is her story, but she's not the right person to tell it.


Judith Engracia said...You're not an evil editor--your notes are a godsend.


Adam Heine said...I think the problem is that the protagonists are 12 in sentence one. That first sentence sets the tone for the reader, and this one says Middle Grade, or maybe YA.

Then you throw in sex and torture and that's where everybody gets lost.

Start where the story starts. Something like: "Princes Veylan and Starfa have been trained their whole lives to subdue or seduce one woman, the source of the kingdom's power." Or something better/more accurate to the manuscript.

And just in case you were still on the fence about it: Thaumatrope is not a publishing credential, pay market or no. (Trust me, I wish it were too).


Polenth said...The thing that stuck me with the synopsis is you seem to be trying to justify what the princes are doing. Partly it's down to word choice (using the word sex, rather than rape... saying he wants to steal her magic, when we know that means rape and torture).

Then there's the way it ends, which sounds like the happy ending version would be finding the goddess, raping and torturing her, getting the power back and saving the kingdom.

It's that feeling of the justification of the rape, torture and imprisonment which makes it creepy in the wrong sort of way. The characters in the book may feel justified, but the synopsis isn't written by those characters.

To see what I'm saying, I could describe Lolita as: "This is a romance about a man who fell in love with a child... but will she ever look past his wrinkles and love him in return?" If the man in the book said that, it'd be fine. When I say it, it has a different feel (and might lead readers to believe it's a pro-paedophilia book).


batgirl said...The premise makes me think of a blend of two stories - Ursula Le Guin's 'The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas', where the blissful paradise of one kingdom is paid for by the emotional and physical abuse of a child, and the Neil Gaiman story (forgot the title, sorry) where a writer holds a Muse prisoner, and rapes her to receive inspiration, until she's freed and he's punished in an altogether appropriate way.

Just mentioning these and wondering if the morality of basing your kingdom's existence on the torment of a young girl (for how many generations?) is examined? Is that why the prince flees with her? I think considering the ethical choices might add some depth to the query.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Daughter of the Ocean

1. Moira's always wondered who her biological parents were. She finally meets her mom, but when she asks about meeting her father, Mom just says, "Head for the coast; you can't miss him."

2. She claims to be a mermaid and although most people would be skeptical because she uses a submarine instead of swimming, crewman Digby believes it and lets her aboard the Sea Guppy. Hilarity ensues.

3. Just as Octavius the shepherd perfects the art of walking on water, the damn Ocean starts parting whenever he comes near, so he decides to search the sea floor until he finds Venus -- and bring her back to Pompeii as his wife. Plus, seven spectacular obstacles and a monstrous fish.

4. The merpeople are almost ready to take over the world and wipe out humanity with their water sorcery. Meteorologist Fenwick Jones is the only one who can stop them. But will he do so when the merman king offers him his beautiful daughter if he stays mum until the merfolk institute a worldwide fishocracy?

5. Shi'inabi has always been different from the other villagers. She can get fish to jump into her net, seals play with her, and dolphins give her rides on their backs. Life is good, until her 16th birthday, when a green-skinned man comes to her door, claiming he must take her to her father, Poseidon.

6. Madison wakes up on the beach and discovers that her hair has lost its natural curl. Also, that she's become a mermaid. The bad news is, her boyfriend may not be able to handle it. The good news is, she has gained the power to command the ocean's waves, which is much cooler than having a boyfriend.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

What would happen if you woke up on a shore of an ocean’s beach [Not wordy enough; how about "a coastal shore of an ocean’s seaside waterfront beach"?] not knowing who you are or how you got there, and you must go back to a life pretending not to be an emotional hollow shell that yearns for the ocean’s embrace. [I've got nothing against opening with a question, but this question can be worded more clearly as: Would you please read no further and just send me a rejection slip?]

Madison Harington went missing after her high school graduation only to be found wandering the redwood forests in Northern California near her home-town several months later. [I thought she was on the beach.] Her unusually ghostly pale skin [There are many shades of unusually ghostly pale skin. For instance, there's unusually ghostly cadaverous ashen pale skin and unusually ghostly anemic pasty pale skin. Paint us a picture.] along with her longer straighter hair has caught the suspicious eye of her childhood friend, [Peter] Parker, who [, thanks to his spider sense,] immediately knows this creature isn’t his old companion.

[Parker: You're not the Madison I once knew.

Madison: How so?

Parker: Your skin's pale.

Madison: I've been in this dark forest two months.

Parker: Your hair's longer and straighter.

Madison: Hello? Two months without a cut and perm?

Parker: I guess I was wron--wait, what about the fact that your legs have been replaced by a scaly fish tail?]

Madison now has to blend into a world that she has no emotional attachment to while resisting the constant luring of the ocean’s sweet lullaby calling her home. [Why must she resist? Why does she have no emotional attachment to the world she lived her whole life in? If it's because she doesn't remember who she is, how can she possibly blend in if she doesn't know that?]

As mermaids, they aren’t supposed to feel any connections to land dwellers anymore, but when Parker becomes the key to unlocking all Madison’s hidden emotions and her one and only true love, she finds herself commanding the ocean’s waves and the skies in a battle against [Aquaman.] the woman with the emerald eyes who converted her, in order to save her two worlds. [Has she been converted from human to mermaid or vice versa? She graduated high school, so I would assume she's now a mermaid. But why did Parker notice her hair was straighter, but not her fish tail? Has she become a mermaid with legs?]

Thank you for taking the time to consider my first novel. Daughter of the Ocean is a young adult, fantasy novel about a girl’s journey to self-discovery; along the way, she’ll stubble upon new abilities [like shaving her scales to keep her tail smooth], new and old friends, enemies, and a few awkward, red-faced moments [like almost suffocating when her makeup clogs her gills]. It is completed at a 72,600 word count. The young adult readers of today have been invaded by vampires [with their unusually ghostly pale skin]; the next invasion will come from beneath the ocean.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

Too much time explaining Madison's situation, and not enough telling us what happens. She's become a mermaid (I think). What does Emerald Eyes want from her? What does Madison want? What happens if she can't defeat her enemies? Dump the first paragraph and give us more story.

I get the impression she was converted during the time she was missing, in which case the ocean's lullaby wouldn't be "calling her home," as her home would be where she spent most of her life. I think that "lullaby" is Aquaman's mating call, luring her into his underwater bachelor pad.

You'd think the woman with emerald eyes would send Madison to mermaid orientation after converting her, instead of ditching her on the beach or in the forest.

If you've just been converted to mermaidism, do you already have the power to command the ocean and skies? Enough to take on Emerald Eyes and Aquaman?

Thanks to the Blogger search function, I was able to determine that this is the 14th query we've done in which Aquaman showed up.

Here's Aquaman's problem: other superheroes have cool-sounding arch-enemies like Doctor Octopus, Lex Luthor, and The Joker. Aquaman has The Fisherman.


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...The appeal of characters like Harry Potter, vampires, and superheroes is their wonderful competence. They can do things no ordinary person can do. They also have bigger problems, but they can still overcome the difficulties. Your main character doesn't have that quality. She doesn't seem to be about taking charge and quashing your troubles at all, she sounds more like a depersonalized victim of fate who needs a boyfriend to give her a personality and cope with the trouble for her.


Dave F. said...Isn't Madison and Parker much like Muffy, Buffy, Mimsie, Bo and Tyler and Preston and all those silly names that Teens use. Oh wait, that's the point. they are teens.

That being like, whatever...
I don't believe in starting letters with rhetorical questions. It's too easy to say no with a smart-ass remark.

I would rather read that "one morning, Madison woke alone on a beach with her life changed forever. She was no human but a mermaid destined to destroy humanity and rule the ocean depths."

A first sentence like that puts Madison's struggles in the reader's mind.


Rachel said...Kill your darlings. That means some of your longest sentences, and phrases like, 'constant luring of the ocean’s sweet lullaby calling her home.'

Your best bet is to take your second paragraph and build on it. She's trying to return to the human world and falling in love with her childhood friend, but the fiend who changed her into a mermaid has other plans. What are the plans and what can Madison and Parker do about it?

Your goal in this query letter is to get the point across. Your writing needs to be clear, not flowery. If you want to impress an agent or editor with your grasp of the English language, do it in your novel. Check over your query letter for language that is more confusing than it is beautiful (and, frankly, it wouldn't hurt to check your novel, too).

This shows some potential. Good luck editing!


Steve Wright said...I knew werewolves and vampires reproduced by converting normal humans, but it's news to me that mermaids did the same. How does this work? Do they have to bite you, or what? And why does it involve having your hair straightened?

I would lose all the bits about emotional attachments and hollow shells, and use the space to talk a bit more about the plot - presumably, this has something to do with the "woman with emerald eyes" who's mentioned exactly once.

So... what's this woman up to, why does it involve straightening Madison's hair, and what can Madison and/or Parker do about it? Answer those questions, and you'll have described at least part of your plot - and I'm more interested in that than in hollow shells or pallid ghost-white fish-belly unusually-melanin-deprived white skin.


Anonymous said...The mermaid in SPLASH, a hit movie in the '80s, was named Madison. Maybe that's not where you got the name for your character, but even so, you might want to consider using a different name.


Anonymous said...Please, for the love of logic, "beneath the ocean" is crust, then magma. Beneath the surface, is ocean.


pjd said...in order to save her two worlds. The two worlds are in trouble? What from? And how does someone find oneself controlling the waves and sky? That's kind of like saying "Aragorn finds himself leading an army to the gates of Mordor."
I want to know who's endangering the two worlds, why, and how. And was there something special about Madison that made her be selected for transformation? Or was she always a mermaid, and graduating from high school somehow brought that out? Why does she need to blend into the landlubber world? Does Parker become the key, or is he the key all along? Is he the one true love?

Here's what I think happens: Madison has an unusual talent. Old Green Eyes is a watery sorceress who wants to destroy land dwellers for some unknown reason. She turns Madison into a double-agent, probably as the last step of her master plan. But she didn't count on Parker! Parker wakes Madison's old personality with True Love, and together they take down the sorceress in a spectacular and heart-stopping battle. Then, since they're 18 and this is YA, they kiss.

If I'm right, then the plot is pretty formulaic (which is not necessarily bad). I think you sense that, and you're trying too hard to use the whole mermaid thing as your differentiator. ("She's a mermaid, get it? Not a vampire.")

By the way, I think to add some flair, Parker should be the front man for a doo-wop group called Parker and the Valets.


Eric said...Trivia: "Madison" was not a common girls' name (I believe not used at all) until it was the name for the mermaid in SPLASH. Parents these days, I'm telling you. (On the other hand, at least you didn't name her Aquamarine.)

Ditto what Rachel and Steve said. Cut out the flowery bits (which are only hurting you here) and then you'll have room to tell us your plot.


vkw said...This query is way out there. Not in a good way like a science fiction/fantasy novel but in a bad way.
Like this point,

Madison now has to blend into a world that she has no emotional attachment to while resisting the constant luring of the ocean’s sweet lullaby calling her home.

Why does she have to blend in to a home she has known for 17+ years?
Why does she not have any emotional attachment to her home, family and friends, and if none at all, what about Spidey? For a woman who as the inability to form attachment to land lubbers she falls for him pretty darn quick.
Why is she resisting the call of the ocean?
And, why we are here, why would she want to save TWO worlds - especially if she has no desire to save the world she has always known? Is it because of Spidey? And, wow who is she saving the worlds from? And, why not someone else? And, how does one become a mermaid?

I thought the next invasion was going to come from outerspace. We haven't had a good alien invasion for a long time. Mermaid invasion could be fun . . . . you know if they were like lorelies or sirens, but wait why would they want the land? Isn't the ocean big enough? Why want something you can't use or live on?


Ruth said...OK, maybe I got confused by all this, but other people seem to be reading the query differently from me. I read the plot as:
1. A mermaid wakes up on a beach in Madison's body

2. Mermaid has to adjust to life as Madison, except that she doesn't care about the human world or Madison's friends and family - she just wants to go home to the ocean

3. Peter Parker uses his spider senses to tell that Madison's body is now inhabited by a mermaid

4. Mermaid falls for PP and begins to care about the human world

5. Mermaid finds out who puts her in this body (Emerald Eyes) and wages war on her. Emerald Eyes presumably has evil plans in store for both the ocean and the human world.

Having said that, this query is CONFUSING. I thought the above 5 points were what it was saying, but everyone seems to be reading it differently - Author, can you clarify the main plot points for us? Or maybe rewrite the query :)

New Beginning 977

Guido Marionetti sauntered through the Piscataway fish market, searching for inspiration.  He paused at a tray of flounders, their flattened bodies nestled in crushed ice, eyes staring skyward.  The creatures at the fish market often sparked Guido’s sadistic creativity, and Guido wanted something exceptional for his next target.  Killing Big Nose Narducci wasn’t just another job.

Tourists at nearby picnic tables swung wooden mallets, smashing boiled crabs to expose the tender flesh within.  Guido watched for a moment, then moved to a display of octopi.  The boneless tangle of limbs and limp bodies made Guido smile.  He purchased a crab mallet and a bottle of pickled octopus before climbing into his Escalade and hitting the turnpike.

Guido was known for the gifts he sent to his soon-to-be-victims.  Like the two dozen oysters—clearly dead and no good for eating—left on Sal Fiorellli’s front steps in a be-ribboned gift basket.  When Sal went missing, a search of the family yacht found a large cement sphere dangling off the bow, the remains of Sal inside, a pearl necklace twined around his neck.  Nice touch, those pearls. But that was yesterday’s news.

Today's news? An oceanload of vengeful octopi moms threw themselves at Guido's face and suffocated him to death for murdering their children.

Then they cooked a feast of spaghetti bolognaise for all the other distraught seafolk but accidentally became part of their own menu thanks to a miracle of form over substance.

"Hell," said Guido's sister. "Worstest I evah thought of my bro wuz he had zits and yeh once he step on mah hampster but hell fuck him the bitch for messin' with the whole o' mankind ocean kinda thang cos like the trees we depend on them ole tentacle crustacean suckers for all the Lord's oxygen plus the cheat he owe me ten dollar." 


Opening: IMHO.....Continuation: Whirlochre

Feedback Request

A revised version of the opening in New Beginning 964 is now in the comments there, awaiting your reaction.

Face-Lift 1085

Guess the Plot

The Buried Life

1. Zombie mummy cats chase zombie mummy mice in Tutankhamen's tomb after an earthquake releases a spell from a sealed vase. Plus, a hapless archaeologist.

2. A new cereal killer is on the loose, but Detective Martinez lacks the proof he needs to arrest prime suspect Count Chocula. Then he discovers ... the Buried Life.

3. Molly the mole is worried. There were enough predators out there even before all the humans became zombies. Because zombies are slow, they've taken to digging up prey. So Molly is building an army of moles to bash the zombie heads and make Earth safe for mole-kind.

4. Ezra McCabre awakens in a closed coffin. Follow his reflections over the course of several hours as he wonders whether he's the victim of a practical joke or something much worse.

5. It's love at first sight when Republican Veep candidate Mike and Democrat rookie Senator Michael lock eyes across the debate room. But once in office and Michael could be the key swing vote to prevent Mike bombing Lenyaland - home of Michael's beloved Noni - how much can stay buried?

6. When the rich and famous are getting murdered in an underground city, it's up to laundress and amateur sleuth Jane Lin to infiltrate their ranks and expose a killer before the city is ripped apart. Also, a useless police inspector.




 
Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

When Inspector Liesl Malone investigates the murder of a historian, the only thing more difficult to unravel than the crime is the red tape. Not that she's surprised; only a few dozen men and women in her city are allowed to study the past. [I don't get the connection between few people being allowed to study the past and Liesl's lack of surprise that there's a lot of red tape. Doesn't it sound like something's missing from this conversation:

Captain: You've caught a murder case.

Liesl: Who's the victim?

Captain: Some historian.

Liesl: Shit. I'm gonna be drowning in red tape.

Captain: Why's that?

Liesl: Because only a few dozen men and women in this city are allowed to study the past.]

[Maybe the opening should be: When one of the few historians in the underground city Recoletta is found murdered, the investigation rightly falls to Inspector Liesl Malone. So she is surprised when the ruling Council immediately throws her off the case. (If that's what happens next.)]

But she is surprised when Recoletta’s ruling Council throws her off the case. When the Council attempts to pacify the city with a military curfew. [I don't think "pacify" is the word you want. It suggests the people are demanding a military curfew and the Council is placating them. You could try "curb" or "suppress" if you can follow up with "protests" or "rebellion." Otherwise I'd just say: When the Council imposes a military curfew.] When the rich and powerful keep dying. [This when, when, when annoys me. How about this:

When one of the few historians in the underground city Recoletta is found murdered, the investigation rightly falls to Inspector Liesl Malone. So she is surprised when the ruling Council immediately throws her off the case and imposes a military curfew.

As more rich and powerful people are murdered, Malone must choose between her duty to obey the Council and her responsibility to catch a killer. (If that's what her choice is.)]

Malone must choose between her duty to obey the Council and her responsibility to catch a murderer. She finds an unlikely ally in Jane Lin, a laundress who stumbles upon the body of a wealthy client. Jane is close to the elites and their secrets, and she’s alarmed enough by the plot she discovers [I knew she discovered a body; she also discovered the plot? Wouldn't it be better if Liesl discovered the plot? So far she hasn't done anything.] to volunteer to be Malone’s conduit to the inner circle. [Now the laundress is going under cover? Is the laundress the main character? I feel like the laundress is James Bond and Liesl is M.] Malone and Jane must stop the killer and unearth the Council’s deadly secrets

[Liesl: We must stop the killer and unearth the Council’s deadly secrets.

The Laundress: Okay, what's our plan?

Liesl: You stop the killer and unearth the Council’s deadly secrets while I monitor the situation.]

before politics and murder rip Recoletta apart.

THE BURIED LIFE is a mystery novel with speculative fiction elements complete at 92,000 words. I am working on a sequel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Note to Evil Editor: The title refers to the setting (an underground city) and the secret discovery driving the murders (an ancient, buried library). [If the entire book is set underground, a buried library doesn't seem out-of-place. Is it buried under the buried city?] [Out of curiosity, what's on the surface?]


Notes

Note that I refer to your character as The Laundress, rather then Jane. I base this decision on such sucesful titles as The Artist, The Negotiator, The Client, The Rainmaker, and The Lorax. The Laundress will be the title of the movie after the screenwriters remove Liesl from the plot, so you may as well save them the trouble.

Now that we've shortened the first part, you may have room to hint at how this library is driving murders. And to make it sound like Liesl is somewhat useful.

Recoletta sounds like Rigoletto, Verdi's opera about a hunchbacked jester's love affair with a laundress. Coincidence?

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Lone Wilder

1. He thought he could get over his anxiety problems all by himself, but Stan Wilder is quickly realizing that he may be on his own forever, especially now that he can’t walk out his front door.

2. Eleven year-old Billy Keefer attempts to draw a new comic book hero called the Lone Wilder. But when the character leaps off the page - literally - and starts causing havoc in Billy's life, Billy realizes he's getting more than he bargained for.

3. Cornered in his mountain hideaway, Dracula escapes by time traveling to 1942 to join forces with Hitler. But a secret government agency uses equipment discovered in Roswell, New Mexico to send a super-powered agent after Dracula, an agent named . . . Lone Wilder.

4. No one wanted much to do with the stranger when he arrived in town. Pleasantville, Montana was a quiet place with no desire to host an ex-outlaw (or whatever he was--nobody was certain). But when the werewolves started showing up, only one man had the guts to deal with them: Lone Wilder.

5. After 7 years of partying with almost no effort at graduation, Van Wilder is forced to grow up and joins the Texas Rangers. But when he barely survives an ambush that kills five other Rangers, he decides to dig six graves and don a mask, leaving behind his original identity forever to become . . . the Lone Wilder.

6. Some folks thought the glory days of the old west were long gone, but cattle rustler Lone Wilder is back, and being six feet under for more than a hundred years has made him mighty grumpy.


Original Version

Dear Mr. Evil Editor,

Lone Wilder emerges from thirteen years of self-imposed isolation [When your name is "Lone," you're pretty much doomed to isolation, self-imposed or not.] to enter into the secretive and unregulated agency, the New Technology Testing Center. He learns that a time-traveling fiend called Dracula is responsible for the deaths of his parents as well as other atrocities throughout time. [Not the least of which is the movie Dracula 2000.] However, this Dracula is not the “vampire” that legend has made him out to be. He is a product of human cloning from ten thousand years in the future and bent on protecting the fate of his society. [Protecting the fate of his society from what? What is the fate of his society?] [Not clear if he's a clone of the original Dracula.] [Is he a vampire in any way? Does he drink blood?] [Wait a minute, Dracula is a character in your book, and your title is some other character? One whose first name is, inexplicably, Lone? Would anyone have gone to the new Sherlock Holmes movie if it were titled Lord Blackwood? What's a better title, Mary or Bride of Frankenstein?] [Maybe your title should be Dracula 12,010.]

The NTTC discovers Dracula in his mountain hideaway [The guy travels 10,000 years into the past and then hides away in a mountain? Shouldn't he be doing something?] and launches an attack against him. Lone, thinking that he can do better than the NTTC agents, [I thought he was an NTTC agent.] defies orders and faces off against Dracula. When Lone realizes that he is no match for the creature, one of the NTTC scientists snatches him from certain death using an untested technology which alters Lone’s genetic code. Finding himself suddenly empowered with certain extraordinary abilities such as superior strength and speed, Lone now has not only the will to destroy Dracula but also the means.

When Dracula escapes to 1942 Germany in the hopes of joining forces with Hitler, [Now that's refreshing. A time traveler who isn't trying to kill Hitler.] [Suggested title: Dracula Versus Hitler. You'll have to change the plot so Dracula and Hitler are enemies, but it's worth it for that title. Also, I recommend editing Lone Wilder out of the book.] Ablikin, the mysterious and elusive head of the NTTC, sends Lone after him using the transportation technology discovered in Roswell, New Mexico. [How convenient. You're hopelessly outmatched by a villain with time-travel technology from 10,000 years in the future, and you happen upon your own time-travel technology.] [How do they know what year Dracula went to? How do they know he time traveled rather than became invisible?] During his journey, Lone realizes that his presence is a bigger part of history than he could have imagined. [Especially if he somehow manages to kill Hitler. It was too much to hope that no one would try to kill Hitler.] [The fact that we know Hitler existed is proof that either time travel will never be invented or that there were people much worse than Hitler whose murder took priority over Hitler's.] Finding himself now trapped in the past, Lone uncovers Ablikin’s startling secret. [Ablikin is actually a clone of Frankenstein from 20,000 years in the future.]

LONE WILDER is a tale of adventure complete at 109,000 words. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to your ridicule and harsh comments (as well as those of the minnions!)

Sincerely,


Notes

We need to know how your Dracula is related to the Dracula.

A fiend who travels through history committing atrocities should have better things to do than kill Lone Wilder's parents. Wait, did he kill Lone Wilder's parents so Lone Wilder would never exist because he knew Lone Wilder would one day be responsible for his demise, and because he found the name "Lone" highly annoying, only he got the date wrong and Lone had already been born? It's always better to go after the grandparents than the parents. You don't have to be as accurate with your time travel.

If you insist on naming the guy Lone, I suggest that after he gains his super powers, he take on a cool superhero name like Time Man or Superguy.


Selected Comments

Ellie said...After reading your query, all I know about Lone is that he's an orphan. (And not so great at judging the odds in a fight.) This seems like the type of book that's more plot-driven than character-driven, which is fine, but I feel like I still need some sense of who Lone is in order to care about what happens to him.

Why does he enter the NTTC? Why does he think he can beat Dracula solo? Is his parents' death his only motivation? Why does the NTTC send him and not any of their other agents? Is he a man on the edge, a pacifist pushed too far, a cold-hearted thug, a knight in shining armor, a good guy gone bad?

For that matter, I feel like I need more about Dracula. Why is he doing any of this? Personal taste here, but the main reason The Eyre Affair left me so cold was having a super-powerful villain skipping around committing evil for the kicks and giggles of it. I don't actively root against a villain like that; I just wish he'd go away.

The book may be quite good, but right now the query doesn't come across as fresh or compelling, for me.


Anonymous said...What age level are you thinking your readers will be? Because if it's middle grade, this is probably ok logic-wise, but if it's for adults, I'm not sure the plot sequence will be entirely satisfactory. All that fuss over Dracula and Hitler and running around through time seem like big deals, but the way you've described this, the culminating event is when Lone discovers a secret his boss is keeping. Which doesn't seem to solve the Dracula / Hitler problems. Or any other problems discussed. Or maybe it does, but you've coyly kept that info to yourself.


Dave F. said...A supervillain from 10,000 years in the future has taken the name Dracula. Why? Is he a bloodsucker? Is he one of the undead? Is he immortal? Can he sire children and screw with the future, so to speak?

And why does Lone Wilder suddenly appear after a decade or so in hiding and simply walk into a super-secret government organization that has unlimited budgets, unrestricted access and is completely amoral, illegal and unrestrained?

To borrow the title of a NPR show -- Wait, Wait, Don't Tell me... Lone Wilder plants the time machine that Ablikin discovers in Roswell. And the reason that Lone Wilder was hiding in the cave was that if he spends too much time in the real world, he affects the timeline which isn't good. Even if affecting the timeline would prevent Dracula from arising 10,000 years in the future. How about Lone Wilder is Ablikin -- which suspiciously reminds me of Abe Lincoln misspelled.

Or perhaps this is like THE FINAL COUNTDOWN where time itself intervenes so paradox cannot occur?

I suspect that there is a twist that you are not telling us in the query. I'm not sure that is the best strategy to sell the story.

Perhaps:
When a super-villain calling himself Dracula travels back from the future to help Hitler and the Nazi's win WW2, the USA turns to Lone Wilder to thwart the effort.

I am at a loss for suggesting any other description than that.


Jeb said...Lots of potential for good storytelling here, but maybe not a) all at once, and/or b) in the order you have it.

What does Our (Lone) Hero want more than anything? Where does the action begin and end? What are the key action sequences between those points? Who does Lone defeat and what does that accomplish?

Because he'd better bloomin' win after we've followed him from a cave to a secret government facility to Area 51 to WW2. Just sayin'.


Dominique said...I didn't get a feeling of tension or suspense until the last two sentences. The part before felt like a synopsis.


Anonymous said...Lone Wilder sounds like a porno name.


Stephen Prosapio said...Okay, the Dracula thing. It's either relevant and connected somehow to the real Dracula or it's not. If not, lose it. There are certain names (Jesus, Michelangelo, Spartacus) that just aren't used unless they're modified in some way. If "Dracula" is somehow banished in the end to 15th century Romania it ain't gonna work. On the other hand, if he went back there and drummed up mythology on his name at some point in time for some purpose...then add it as a peek into his character and motivation.

Agree with Ellie on Lone. Need more info as to his motivation.

I liked the going back to Hitler Germany, but would like to know his motivation and the CONSEQUENCE if nothing is done. (see Time Cop)


 _*Rachel*_ said...Vampire + cloning + time travel + Hitler + secret agencies + genetic changes + superpowers + Roswell = kitchen sink. I've got a bad feeling about this sort of kitchen sink.

This query needs to be rewritten from scratch. Start with something like what Dave said, and keep it simple.


Sarah from Hawthorne said...To be brutally honest with you, I'm concerned that you've got a bit of a Mary Sue thing going on here. Lone Wilder fits a lot of the tropes (unusual and overly descriptive name, tragic backstory, lots of angst) but even more than that, the rules of the universe just seem to keep rewriting themselves in his favor.

We definitely need to get more of a sense of who he is and why he's an adequate foil for Dracula and Hitler. And possibly Abe Lincoln.


blogless troll said...I'm sorry, I can live with the name Lone Wilder, but New Technology Testing Center has got to go. Unless you add ACME to the beginning, then it's probably OK.

Also, ending the query by stating there is a startling secret and then never revealing the startling secret may seem like a good way to generate interest in your story, but really it's just annoying. Plus, it forces us to come up with our own startling secret substitutions, which, in our own minds, are way better than yours ever could be because we made them up. Then inevitably we're disappointed with your startling secret, no matter how startling or secret it is.

For example, I know I'll be extremely disappointed if Ablikin isn't a clone of Sammy Davis Jr who was taught kung fu and sent to kill the time traveling fiend Dracula in order to avenge the honor of some third guy who lost face at a roller derby fiasco in Sheboygan.


Blogger up so many floating bells down said...Author here...thank you all very much for your comments, suggestions, and witticisms! I am now well aware of how off-track I was on this query. I think I know which direction to take it now. Again many thanks for your time and help. (and I love the Guess the Plots!)


Kathleen said...I love that the Dracula guess the plot was the real one! and EE, hilarious as usual. Author - I think you have a fun story here, but definitely too much back story in the query. Good luck!


wendy said...Sorry I'm so late to the party. I've been lost in Vladivostok. (Don't even ask.)

I like this one. Every time I thought I had a handle on where it was going you changed it up. It may indeed be the kitchen sink approach, but at some point the darn thing started to facinate me.

I do think EE is right about needing to define your Dracula a bit more. The difference might be in a few well placed adjectives.

I also think it needs to be cut throughout - too wordy, feels like swimming through pudding to me.

That said, I still can't imagine how you are going to pull it all together, but that's half the fun, right? Can't wait to see what you come up with. Best of luck.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Saving Eden

1. All it took was one misheard word on the telephone - and the crack Dutch Cheese Rescue Squad was caught up in a situation for which it was completely unequipped.

2. Archaeologist Ellen Suree discovers an ancient apple tree after draining a quicksand pit not far from her dig site in the Amazon. When her research reveals the petrified plants are older than any known substance, she thinks she's found Eden. But can she stop it from becoming the next Disney World?

3. Angela has spent her entire life trapped in her father's home and garden, and has never seen another person. Now a group calling themselves The Amenders have taken over the US government, and Angela may be the only person who can save a world she's never seen.

4. Emily Watson loves plants and hates religion - which is why this gifted botanist is startled to be tapped to restore the neglected garden of Eden. Despite the general weirdness of it all, working in Eden is paradise--until she learns why the garden is being restored. But can one lone atheist convince the Big Guy to hold off on the apocalypse?

5. At fourteen years old, Eden already drank, smoked and had a tattoo of a fanged demon on her back. When she takes an after-school job at the Convent of the Trembling Martyrs, the first thing she does is kick Sister Mary Gentile's ass for bossing her around. Will Eden's attitude destroy the convent, or will the trembling sisters band together for the purpose of . . . saving Eden?

6. Eden is a teenager lost in the system. He sometimes thinks his graffiti tags are the only evidence he even exists. When his graffiti starts disappearing, his investigation turns up disturbing information about spray paint manufacturers. Can he dodge corporate assassins, while saving himself and other graffiti artists from erasure?



Original Version

Dear (Agent),

Imagine living your whole life separated from the rest of the world. [That does sound like Eden.] The only other face you’ve ever seen is your father, ["Father's." Unless your father consists of nothing but a face. Actually, that would be a cool character. A giant face with no torso or appendages. Sort of like a picture of the Man in the Moon. You'd have to decide whether it rigs up a robotic body for locomotion or if it just lies on a pillow while its kid feeds it grapes and pizza and eventually poison. Either way it's sure to be better than the actual book, and while it may seem astounding that I can say that after reading fewer than two sentences of the query, trust me. Make the father a giant face.] and he’s not giving you any clues to what life is like on the outside. [What does he tell me? He must have some explanation for why he's keeping me trapped. Why haven't I killed the bastard in his sleep?] What would happen to you if you suddenly found yourself in the middle of a big city, surrounded by strange and wonderful people? Is it possible that the real question should be what would happen to the people? [No. That question would never occur to me. And the real question should be How did I suddenly end up in the middle of a big city, and where's the nearest doughnut shop?]

In my young adult novel Saving Eden, which is 40,500 words long, fifteen-year-old Angela has spent her entire life trapped inside the confinements of ["]paradise.["] The only other person she has ever seen is her father, who built their home by hand [There are other ways of building homes?] and tends their beautiful garden daily. [You can probably do without the first paragraph, as you've just given us the same information and then some.] It’s the year 2201 and all that is about to change when Angela discovers Jessie, a seventeen-year-old boy from Chicago, sitting in the mist of her garden. [Her garden is misty? And this kid is sitting in the midst of the mist?] Jessie is a member of a secret organization determined to stop The Amenders, which is a group of people who have recently taken over the American government. [Their first order of business: amend the constitution to make it legal to go left on red and to make the Chicago Cubs World Series champions. Then they'll declare war on the Swiss.] [What did they do, march into Washington and say, "Okay, everybody out; we're in charge now."?] Angela runs away with him to help save a world that she always wanted to see but never had a chance to know. When Angela discovers the reason behind her secluded life she realizes she may have caused her father, her new friends, [She has new friends?] and herself to be in more danger than she could ever imagine.

After seeing the books you’ve represented like (Super-Awsome-Book), [I was gonna buy that one for Evil Jr., but I figured when he saw they couldn't even spell "awesome," he'd just toss it.] which I have read myself in the past, [If you've read it, we'll assume it was in the past.] I think you might be interested in representing Saving Eden as well as the many books I plan for the future. [This whole paragraph can go.]

I believe I should tell you a little about me. My name is "words-over-numbers" [Huh?] and I am a Ball State University student majoring in journalism with a minor in creative writing. I live in Indianapolis, IN [Convenient, as you're in school there.] and I have had a love for literature since I was a child. [In fact, my earliest memory is lying under the covers as Daddy read me my bedtime stories, classics like Madame Bovary and Justine and Lady Chatterly's Lover. I think he enjoyed those stories as much as I did!] Though I have some journalistic articles published in The Indianapolis Star and The Indianapolis Recorder, this is the first fiction novel [Okay, before everyone writes in to point out that you don't have to describe a novel as fiction, allow me to point out that henceforth you do have to, as I've just completed what I believe to be the world's first nonfiction novel.] I have written that I feel deserves to be seen by the world. [You can dump this paragraph as well.]

The full manuscript is available at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

Now that the query is much shorter you have room to tell us the reason behind Angela's secluded life. Right now her father seems like that Austrian guy who imprisoned his daughter as a sex slave in a dungeon for 24 years. If he had a good reason for secluding her (and for not revealing that reason to her), what is it? That seems to be the most intriguing element of the story, and you keep it a secret.

If Angela has always wanted to see the world, she must have some knowledge about it. Hard to believe she has no idea why she's confined.

Is Jessie there because he knows about Angela? We need to know what's special about her and we need more plot, specifically what happens after she gets out of paradise and what's at stake.


Selected Comments

Matthew said...Now I have the image of a giant face with a mechanical body stuck in my head. Hmm, it kind of looks like Robocop when he's not wearing his helmet.

Even though the whole query was one paragraph surrounded by fluff, I found the idea interesting--Hopefully there is a good story behind it.


Aimee Maher said...I like the idea of it, but the delivery is awful. Strange and wonderful people? in a big city? I understand the strange part...

"When Angela discovers the reason behind her secluded life she realizes she may have caused her father, her new friends, and herself to be in more danger than she could ever imagine."

I recently learned this lesson myself. Don't leave an agent thinking "What the f%$ DOES THAT MEAN?"


*Rachel*_ said...Is this a remake of "Rappacini's Daughter?" The beginning sounds an awful lot like it.

The Amenders sounds like a sissy version of the Avengers.

Two guesses as to why Angela has been in the garden all her life: she's poisonous, or her father's trying to prevent a prophecy the Oedipus way.

Take the second paragraph, throw away the others, and elaborate on the plot. I think it'll sound pretty good then.

I'd read it.


blogless troll said...The only part I understood was that in 2201 the Cubs still haven't won another World Series. Sounds like nonfiction to me.


Xiexie said...I echo Aimee. I really do like the idea of this story, but I'm not attracted by the query. I do like the rhetorical question, but I think there's a bit too many here. The real GTP is more intriguing to me than the query.


Anonymous said...This query made me think of that Austrian guy, too. And since not much good comes from thinking of that guy, the ick factor sort of stuck to your story as well. Better to explain and not leave us to our own theories.


Adam Heine said...EE, I'm intrigued by this nonfiction novel and would like to read more. Is it about the father-face?


BuffySquirrel said...How does Angela know the outside world exists? Seems to me the simplest way to keep her from being interested in it is never to admit to the 'world' consisting of more than the home and garden she lives in.

After all, millions of Americans apparently believe the US is 'the world'....


Ruth said...The query seemed really dull to me. Nothing made me want to read on because it was all some big secret, and just knowing that there is some big secret doesn't entice me to want to know what it is. If it's enticing, tell us at least a hint of it and make us want to know more.

The wording seems unnecessarily wordy to me, which (if it seems thus to an agent) is likely to throw up warning signals about your book.

E.g.:

In my young adult novel Saving Eden, which is 40,500 words long, fifteen-year-old Angela has spent her entire life trapped inside the confinements of paradise.

I suggest: In my 40,000-word YA novel, Saving Eden, fifteen-year-old Angela... etc. You don't need to round to the nearest 500 words.

The sentence structure/grammar is also weird for me with this: It's the year 2201 and all that is about to change.... I know what you mean, but the grammar of the sentence makes it sound like it's the year which is about to change. Is it New Year's Eve? Is there time travel involved? No? Again, while it may be clear what you mean in this instance, this kind of grammar may send up warning signals for the rest of the book.

I think you could keep the second last paragraph but cut it a lot shorter. From what I've read on agents' blogs, a lot of agents appreciate some personalisation.

If you do keep the last paragraph, cut the first sentence, cut the name bit (your name's at the end, it's pretty obvious what your name is), and just say "This is my first novel." Not anything about failed efforts or your thoughts on your previous efforts' value; just "This is my first novel."

An agent might appreciate knowing that you minor in creative writing, as it implies you may have a higher likelihood of writing well, and may be more open to criticism/learning etc. But I don't know.

Hope this helps! My main point: Be more specific, and we'll be more interested. :)


150 said...It would be worth describing what's so bad about the garden, or I tend to think she's just rebelling to be ornery.