Evil Editor's Blog, page 156

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Monster Hunter Frater- nity

1. Okay, it's not really a frat house, it's a tree house, where Jamie and his friends track Bigfoot and werewolf sightings, hoping to prove the existence of monsters. It was all in fun, but now the town's overrun with a mob of terrifying creatures that the boys must defeat . . . if they want to live.

2. When ten-year-old Billy McQuaid sees something strange going on in the abandoned orange groves near his suburban California home, he knows what to do: put together a team of kids who can help him investigate. But Ginny Fillmore wants to come, too, and she has a walkie-talkie set. Can they confront monsters and survive with a girl in the group?

3. Now settled across the US with families, mortgages, and desk jobs more mind-numbingly horrifying than they ever were, Frankenstein, Dracula, the Wolf Man, and the Swamp Thing decide to start a yearly retreat. While sitting on the back of a pickup truck, drinking warm beer and pretending to look for deer, the old friends reminisce about the good old days. But when Bigfoot stumbles across them, they'll have to reawaken the monsters within if they want to get home alive. Or undead, depending.

4. Sean and Brendan, a pair of exchange students, try to join Sigma Xi. Blackballed for being geeks, they seek revenge in a Guinness-fueled killing spree, only to find that Sigma Xi is home to a pack of zombies. Joined by fellow losers, they form their own fraternity, dedicated to destroying the zombies before the Physics Department becomes a brains buffet.

5. In a bid to get lucky, the virgins of Alpha Alpha Alpha adopt a manly-man "monster hunter" theme for Halloween, disguising the House, as well as themselves, in gladiator bondage style, which seems to be very exciting for the two dozen scantily clad whip-snapping Medusa sex-pots who join them. All signs point to a lucky night, until the lads realize those snakes are real.

6. Minimum: a Grendel. That's what it takes to get into the Monster Hunter Fraternity, to bag a monster. Lions are for sissies. Grizzly bears, for a girl scout merit award. Bob Lout really wants into the club. He has a plan to snag a vampire, but can he convince his wife, Bertha, to hang around the Drac Klub in a low-cut dress, offering up a jugular, just so he can get the coolest tie tack ever?


Original Version

Dear Agent,

I am seeking publication of my YA novel MONSTER HUNTER FRATERNITY. It is complete at 70,000 words.

At Monster Hunter Fraternity, a treehouse in Blafford Hills, Ohio, Jamie and his three closest friends research and track sightings of everything from Bigfoot to Werewolves, wanting nothing more than to prove the existence of real monsters. After two years of hunting, however, all they have is a grainy photo of something dark and furry [It's never a good idea to carry your camera in your underwear.] they saw in Black Rock Forrest, [Forest?] a picture mostly obscured by Jaime’s forefinger. [Um . . . that wasn't his finger.] [By the way, is Jaime Jamie? Or one of the friends?] But lately, Jamie notices something odd – that recent monster sightings are surrounding Blafford Hills – unaware that his weekend pastime is quickly turning more serious. [If he notices it, I wouldn't call him unaware. Besides, it's more dramatic without the "unaware that."] [Even more dramatic: His weekend pastime has become a bloodbath rivalling in scope the Massacre at Wounded Knee.]

Jamie can’t figure out what’s attracting the creatures. Is it the new girl in class who looks like a vampire? Or the full moon which never seems to change? Whatever it is, monster sightings soon breach the town’s border – family pets are missing, and frightening noises can be heard throughout the night. [It's the monsters, not the sightings that breach the border. Have there even been sightings at this point? Missing pets and noises don't qualify as sightings.] As the town is overcome by a mob of creatures more terrifying than anything they’ve ever heard of, Jamie and his friends are forced into battle with them. [Is there a reason these kids, rather than adults with guns, are forced into battle with these creatures? I assume it isn't the old story that none of the adults believe the creatures exist; when the town is being overrun by a mob of terrifying monsters, someone's bound to notice.

Geezer 1: Our town's been destroyed. Half the people are dead with their throats ripped out.
Geezer 2: My grandson says it's a mob of monsters.
Geezer 1: Cute. Got any pictures of him?]

When they discover what these creatures are after, a secret that’s been hidden in Blafford Hills for years, they in turn discover what it means to be true Monster Hunters – because their lives depend on it.

Thanks


Notes

I don't see the YA crowd wanting to read about four kids in a tree house talking about wolfmen. Maybe an actual college fraternity on a campus overrun by monsters. As it is, I'd put your audience in the 9 to 13 range, which makes this middle grade. Title: The Monster Hunters Club. As a middle grade book, I'd say it's a good query.


Selected Comments

150 said...If this had a generally funny tone and the first monster sighting happened in the first chapter, I'd pick this up. Your query seems in pretty good shape. Good luck.


Kiersten said...This is a great query, author. I always daydream that I'll put one up and EE won't find anything to criticize. I know, my daydreams are both boring and wildly unrealistic.


BuffySquirrel said...
Getting really tired of the sexism in the GTPs, y'all :).


talpianna said...Perhaps the kids are the only ones to be able to see the monsters because they are the only ones who ate the odd plant/touched the strange meteorite or some such.


author said...Thanks to everyone who commented. No excuse for the typos but luckily I haven't sent this out yet. I chose the word fraternity in the title because the four boys want to establish that their group will not allow girls to join.

The adults can see the monsters too, and though I didn't mean to suggest that the kids would be doing the fighting alone, in the end the kids will "save the day."

Thanks EE and minions.


Jeb said...Definitely juv, not YA. Rule of thumb is that kids like to read about kids up to 2 years older than themselves, but not generally younger than themselves. Also, the themes are too light for current YA paranormal stuff (wearing my ex-YA/Juvenile judge for Canadian Crime Writing Awards hat here - three of this year's shortlist had strong, scary paranormal, but the kids were older than yours).

Still, a cute plot that could be a lot of fun to read.

Follow EE's as-usual brilliant edits and please do post the opening here when you've recovered from this potentially harrowing experience.


Robin S. said...This sounds really fun - every kid loves secret clubs and magic stuff happening, and this set up and set of circumstances sounds really interesting. I'd read it.


Kate said...I just want to know one thing. How many kids are we talking about here? If I was the wolf man and I saw 30 screaming brats coming at me, I might look for another town to ravish. Tiny bones in my teeth = not fun.


Jeb said...so right, Kate... not to mention all those shrill little voices wailing in agony and terror right in your ears, right up to the very moment when you finally get to rip their little throats out.


JB Keyser said...He could just twitch the age to at least senior year kids. It would get some people to actually read, but then again he might've put cheerleaders. Freshman in college would be a good idea though. I did like #3, it was interesting. I don't think I would read the original plot. And I'm in the ages of YA.


batgirl said...This sounds like fun, though definitely middle grade rather than young adult. If my son were still in that age range I'd probably consider it for him, since we were fans of the Fifth Grade Monster series, and of the film Monster Squad, which has a similar plot (treehouse gang discovers and fights real monsters).

Feedback Request

The author of New Beginning 950 has posted a revision. It's in the comments there, awaiting your input.

Success Story

Amara Royce reports:I haven't been an active Evil Minion for a while now.  Back then, I used a different name than I'm using now. (I'm quite proud to say I was even included in a couple of your Evil Editor books.)While I didn't submit my newest work to your blog for vivisection, I've learned a great deal from you over the years that's shaped my writing significantly.  I recently obtained representation by Jessica Alvarez of BookEnds, LLC, and a two-book ebook deal with eKensington (Kensington Publishing's digital-first imprint) for two Victorian historical romances set in and around the Great Exhibition of 1851. What I've learned from you and the minions about writing queries, about starting your story in the right spot, about making every word matter--all of that has helped get me to where I am now. So thank you very much! I hope you are doing well, and I hope the Evil Editor blog continues to flourish.


And we hope that you'll send us the openings of your ebooks as soon as they're written.

Look to the Stars

As we have no openings or queries awaiting critique, and as this is Fall Astronomy Week, here are a few excerpts from past posts that feature everyone's favorite planet.


I've never thought of planets as having highly guarded secrets, though admittedly, our scientists are always trying to figure out what causes the strange noises coming from Uranus.


The other sky and earth gods have paired up, fallen in love and started raising their new families. But Gaia just can't seem to get into Uranus.


I recommend setting your book not on Centauria, but on Uranus. Not only does it allow you and your characters to make numerous Uranus jokes, but if the editor says that your book stinks, you can say, Of course it stinks, idiot. It's on Uranus.

Samantha becomes famous overnight as news of her arrival spreads like wildfire. See, here's an opportunity already if the book is set on Uranus. You can say wildfires are particularly treacherous on Uranus because of frequent methane gas explosions.




Wait, residents of Uranus are called Uranusians? I think they should be called Roids.


By the way, it's impossible to find any species in the galaxy willing to explore Uranus.


I wonder if comedians in the 23rd century will be doing jokes about space liners. For instance: Flying on the Nebula Dream isn't bad, except for having to spend a six-hour layover on Uranus.



If your name is Sobek and you want to hide your identity, you can come up with a better name than Bek. That's like Thor changing his name to Hor or Uranus changing his name to Anus.


Rapist: Where the hell are we?

Drug dealer: I don't know, but it smells bad, and there are strange noises emanating from that canyon.

Murderer: Isn't it obvious? We've somehow been transported to Uranus.




Belcher's name brought forth a chuckle no matter how often he was introduced, like a joke about Uranus.


Earth. It was the laughingstock of the solar system . . . until scientists discovered revolting noises coming from Uranus.


Of course no one expected it. That's like opening, Chicago plumber Joe "Ball-cock" Jacobi never expected anyone from Illinois to discover a huge fissure in the surface of Uranus.





Not clear what the crisis is that Ruth provokes, nor why the family is in danger. What is clear is that they'd be better off on Uranus. (Hey, you didn't think we were going to get through this whole query without a Uranus crack, did you?)

Face-Lift 1078

Guess the Plot
Door Number 4
1. Carol was the consummate professional. When Monty announced the door number, she was ready with limber arms and a winning smile - until the day he called for Door Number Four. She didn't want to get near Door Number Four. She could hear whispered voices behind the painted cardboard, and she once imagined she heard the word "kill" as she passed by late one night. And didn't that woman in the Peter Pan costume bear a striking resemblance to Monty's ex-wife?
2. Is lore a bore, perhaps a chore? Does it make you snore? Not anymore! This book will soar! For fun galore, open Door Number Four! A whore, a roar, some gore on a distant shore, and more in store!
3. The US government has found a way to power the nation's electrical grid on people's fear. The plan is to torture millions of people and use their resultant fear to run air conditioners and toasters. Only 16-year-old Dot Parker can stop them, but if she does, will her curling iron still work?

4. Janet works for an old law firm. Each night the three partners' offices are open for cleaning but the fourth door on mahogany row is always locked. One night she returns for something forgotten. The cleaning crew has left and the fourth door is open. Suddenly, a man in a cape steps out, grabs her, and sinks his teeth into her neck. No doubt Janet's last living thought was So they really are bloodsuckers.
5. When TV game show host Louden Wallett is found murdered behind Door Number Four, ace detective Zack Martinez knows two things: Somebody didn’t like their deal, and the show’s glamorous model won’t give him the time of day.
6. Gary wants more than anything to attend his daughter's upcoming wedding. Unfortunately, he's dead. But when he's picked to debut on Hell's newest game show, he's given a chance to win a trip back to Earth. If he loses, however, he'll land in Beelzebub's bedroom.


Original Version

Sixteen-year-old Dot Parker has forty-eight hours before the government kills her dad. [Everyone has 48 hours before the government kills Dot's dad. What would be interesting would be to know what Dot plans to do with her 48 hours. For instance, Dot has 48 hours to stop the government from killing her dad. Or Dot has 48 hours till she inherits her dad's munitions factory.]
Her father invented the cube, an electrical system that harvests energy from emotions. Thanks to Dot’s dad, for the last ten years the country has been powered by love. [You stole that idea from Huey Lewis. 

The power of love 
is a curious thing
Make a vacuum suck, 
and alarm clock ring

Or Celine Dion.

We're heading for something
Somewhere I've never been
We're making a daiquiri, and I'm ready to blend
With the power of love ] 

But the system is failing, and now the government wants to switch to a more efficient and controllable emotion: fear. A shift that can only be activated with a password.

And the password only exists in Dot’s head. [It's dparker96.]

Alone, broke, and on the run from the same agents who took her dad, Dot has two days to scramble from her home in Alabama to the government facility in California. [If she's on the run, what was she doing at her home in Alabama? That's the first place the agents would have looked for her.] [Does she have credit cards? A car? I don't think she's gonna make it.] The string of numbers in her brain is the only thing keeping her dad alive, and she has no intention of turning it over. [It's 0112358.] Not until she sees her dad in one piece. And definitely not until she learns how to destroy the cube system. [Wait, the password is 0112358 cubed.]
Because Dot has been behind Door Number Four. [No need for the word "Because."] She’s experienced how the government plans to illicit [elicit] fear, and she has the torture scars to prove it. [This idea of running the electrical system by eliciting fear sounds illicit.] Her dad knows the system, Dot knows the password, and only together can they stop the switch—and the torment of millions of innocent people. [Has anyone suggested running the electrical system on lust? It wouldn't be hard to find millions of volunteers to watch porn eight hours a day.] [If the government kills Dot's dad in 48 hours, doesn't that eliminate any chance of getting what they want from him?] [Torturing millions of people would require a lot more torture chambers than just the one behind door number 4.] [Telling a teenager to memorize a string of numbers that will be known to no one else is a recipe for disaster. Especially a teenage girl, as girls aren't that good at math.] [Ba dum ching!] If the agents catch her first, though, Dot’s going back behind Door Number Four, and this time there will be no escape. [Did they let her escape last time? If not, how can they be sure she won't escape this time? They haven't exactly shown that they know what they're doing.]
[Dad: Remember ten years ago when you were 6 and I invented the cube and I gave you that long string of numbers to memorize in case the day ever came when we needed to prevent the torture of millions?

Dot: No.]

DOOR NUMBER FOUR is a 60,000 word YA Speculative Thriller.


Notes

It's hard to imagine Americans putting up with torturing millions of people just so our appliances will work. Unless . . . are we just going to torture prisoners, homeless guys and Europeans?

Presumably nuclear and coal and petroleum and wind and solar power aren't cutting it for various reasons. But I still think we'd go with anger or sorrow or hatred or lust before we'd go with the one that requires torturing millions of people. We're not North Korea. Maybe you should set it in North Korea.

It's a fairly original idea, compared with the many ideas that have been done to death in YA, but maybe you should leave the parts that are hard to swallow out of the query, secure in the knowledge they are totally believable in the book.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Surrounded by Love

1. Tennis ace Marco Denali hits a major low point in his career, even as his romantic life takes off. Could it be that if he wants to succeed again on the pro circuit, he'll have to sacrifice his passion for ball boy Brad Boyd?

2. Some guys just can't catch a break. All Carl wanted was to die surrounded by love. Instead he's surrounded by scores of screaming passengers.

3. When Elissa lets Garrett move into her house, she has no idea he's going to bring along a mysterious woman who threatens to take away everything Elissa holds dear. Now there's only one way out of this mess: marry Garrett and never have sex with him.

4. A band of rogues known as the God Squad has carried on a violent feud with their neighboring sect, the Wise Bunch, for years. When both groups suddenly lay down their weapons, they realize that an alien being is beaming strange calming energy rays at them. There's only one thing to do: they must join together to find a weapon capable of destroying the alien.

5. Annoying Jazmine Jones assaults Henri Voltaire every day with her bleary googoo-eyes, her blown kisses, her insipid giggling, her flowery poetry. Is there no escape? Will Henri be forever . . . Surrounded by Love?

6. Schoolgirl Tara is the only person unaffected by a strange virus that makes the townspeople fall in love with complete strangers. That's the good news. The bad news is that this is going to put a huge damper on her plan to raise holiday money by offering to hug complete strangers for a dollar.


Original Version

Surrounded by Love is Elissa Bellaire’s journey to find inner strength and love. Set in Austin, Texas, Elissa Bellaire [It's your story that's set in Austin, not Elissa.] is a woman with [a] secret she plans to keep at all costs. And she’s wondering if she’s lost her mind agreeing to let Garret Chambers move into her big rambling house to live with her and her boys. [Is there a connection between those sentences? Is she worried because she thinks Garret will learn her secret if he moves in?] He’s way to [too] good looking and the boys adore him. [No wonder she's questioning her sanity. Why would she want this guy around?]

He’s dangerous all right. He wants her in his bed and sets about accomplishing his goal. [And this is bad because...?] But Elissa is resistant to his schemes and finally in desperation he proposes marriage. [Is that how he proposed? "Darling, I'm so desperate to get laid, I'm actually willing to marry you if that's what it takes?"]

When Garrett [I see he's added a second "t" to his name. I predict that by the end of the query his name will be Garrettio.] causes the woman who can take everything Elissa holds dear, to show up, she is forced to accept a marriage of convenience, she thinks, but Garrett[i] has other ideas, he loves her, he wants her, and he’s going to get her. [The possibility that the book includes sentences like that one is reason enough to reject.] But that’s when the real problems start. Elissa can’t consummate the marriage for fear of losing everything. [Let me get this straight: she has to marry the guy to keep from losing her children, her home, her dog, her photo album and her Fabergé egg collection, but she can't consummate the marriage or she'll lose her children, her home, her dog, her photo album and her Fabergé egg collection.] With sexual tension exploding between them, [Sounds a little messy.] Elissa is forced to made [make] a decision, [change comma to colon.] hide the past or find the strength to accept love and the risks involved.

Surrounded by Love is a short contemporary set in Austin Texas [No need to tell us it's set in Austin in both the first and last paragraphs.] with a 60,000-word count. If this query piques your interest, I should be delighted to provide a partial or completed manuscript. [It's the job of the back-cover-copy author to pique the reader's interest. It's your job to make your book sound like a masterpiece of its genre, like the second coming of Christ, if Christ were coming back as a romance novel (ignore previous statement if sending query to radical fundamentalist Muslim editor). Imagine you're a new car salesman, and a customer walks into the showroom. But there are a hundred other car salesmen waiting with you. These other salesmen are trumpeting the engine size and the legroom and the fabulous cup holders and the Corinthian leather of the cars they're trying to unload. But you have your car covered up by a gigantic box. I guarantee this would pique people's interest, but how many would say, "I refuse to purchase any of these other hundred cars until I've test-driven whatever's in that box."?] [Actually, this may be a bad analogy, because I suddenly realize that I, myself, would purchase the car in the box sight-unseen, at any price, just to keep someone else from getting it.]


Notes

I assume Elissa's secret is revealed in the book, so why is it being withheld from us? How can we sympathize with her if we don't understand her conflict?

When Garrettio causes the mysterious unnamed woman who can cause Elissa to lose everything she holds dear to show up, is he aware she's a threat to Elissa? Does he know Elissa's secret?

How is it that the mysterious woman has the power to take away everything Elissa holds dear? Readers don't want you giving away important plot points. Publishers do. Withholding crucial information forces you to be vague. We want specific information about what's going on.

If you can't write a one-page letter without making a half-dozen errors, no one's going to request your entire book.

Selected Comments

benwah said...I have a sneaking suspicion that Elissa is actually an Elisha (or Eliot or Edgar) and that's the secret that to consummate the marriage would expose. Barring copious amounts of alcohol and blackout curtains, of course.
You begin the query by stressing that Elissa has a great big secret that requires protection at all costs...and the first action we see her take is to invite a stranger to live with her. That weakens "at all costs."

Perhaps I'm mis-reading the start of the third paragraph. Garret causes another woman to show up? If so, does she have a name? How does her arrival force the marriage?

w/r/t exploding sexual tension: Sexual tension exists precisely because there are no explosions. That's what creates the tension.


150 said...Does Elissa have herpes or something? I can't figure any other reason to not have sex with your husband. I also have no idea how you can force a marriage like that in a contemporary novel, but whatever, maybe if you give us details it'll make sense. The problem with the vagueness is that, as written, Elissa sounds like a first-class idiot. Now, if the book's about a woman who made a mistake and is now living with AIDS, who didn't want any sexual temptation but the only live-in plumber available is hella sexy, who has to marry by Tuesday or her presumed-missing sister takes back all of her inheritance--that's a woman I could support.

Anonymous said...Does Elissa have herpes or something? I can't figure any other reason to not have sex with your husband.

Whoa. I can think of a whole bunch of reasons.


150 said...Yeah, anon, but do any of them end with her LOSING EVERYTHING?
I'm hoping the author stops by and clears things up a little. I'd like to know what's behind all this.


writtenwyrdd said...I can understand a set up for the romance that, in the real world, would be ridiculous. It'll fly most times in a category romance. but the letter doesn't give us the set up (why he moves in) and the reason she has to keep him at a distance. What's the big secret, and all you tell us is "Elissa is forced to made a decision, hide the past or find the strength to accept love and the risks involved."

Perhaps give us the pivotal points, such as she was obligated in some manner to let him stay (big snowstorm blocks the pass or similar) and why her big secret is so dire (she had a love child by his dead brother maybe?) and etc.

These letters are hard to write, but it sounds like there are good bones to the story.


December/Stacia said...You have good external tension/conflict, but where's the internal? In a romance both parties need to have a reason for not wanting to be together. If the whole story is Garrettio simply trying to seduce Elissa, and her saying Nonono, it's a bit bland for romance. There has to be a reason why he doesn't want to give in to his feelings for her.


freddie said...We need more specifics about Elisha and her behavior. We need to know her deep, dark secret. That's the key to the plot.

EE made a very good point. One thing that seems to be tricky about query letters is that it's easy to try to play (for lack of a better term) 'hide the salami.' You're trying to get the editor/agent's interested, so you do what the back-cover copy author does: you tease. (It could also come from reading a lot of back-cover copies.) But you want to do the opposite. Editors and agents need to know exactly what the book is about in order to take another step.

Listen to me going on and on. I haven't even turned in a query letter yet.


Brenda Bradshaw said...Okay, this is a wreck, but fixable.

She wants:
________
________

He wants:
________
________

Instead, she finds ________ and he discovers _______. They _______ to find their happily ever after.

I do read and write romance, and this query, as it is, doesn't make a lot of sense to me but I think it'd be easily fixed.


talpianna said...I think that this would work as a category romance.

In 1983.

We simply don't know enough about the motivations of either character. I don't think Benwah's theory will work, because she has kids. Why did she let him move in? Did she need the rent money?

He wants her in his bed, but is she attracted to him at all? Can't she threaten him with eviction or a charge of sexual harassment?

How does he cause this woman to show up? What's the big threat? Hey! Maybe he really IS Elisha and she's the ex-wife and mother of the kids! Benwah was right all along.

Why will marrying Garrett remove the threat? The usual scenario for a romance novel (albeit a somewhat outdated plot device) is to have the antagonist an Other Woman who wants the hero for herself. Marrying him seems the worst possible way for Elissa to disarm her.

And I fail to see how, in a contemporary novel, anyone could "take away everything Elissa holds dear" without extensive legal proceedings. Or possibly a Mafia hit.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Hitting the High Notes

1. Marco knew becoming one of the sultan's eunuchs would mean he'd never father a child. What he didn't know was that it also meant he would be cast in the role of Lauretta in Puccini's Gianni Schicchi.

2. Carl Fetterling wins a scholarship to Julliard to study voice. But his dreams of singing all the great baritone roles of opera turn upside down when his beautiful teacher presses him to become a countertenor. Hilarity ensues.

3. Unlike many "singers," Georges Jones knows she can't sing to save her life. However, she's been known to kill small animals and fish with the sound of her singing voice. Which gives her an idea. Realizing she can forever rid the world of Paula Abdul, she tries out for American Idol.

4. When failed tenor Roberto Gambini hears a gorgeous, haunting song in the woods, he's instantly enchanted. He must find the amazing singer and bring her to the stage. But how can he, when the singer is Kadrille, a young centaur?

5. Baritone Lorenzo Pazzazzi, trying to recover from bad reviews, poses as a kidnapped celebrity running from the environmental kooks known as the Green Socks Gang. Will his ruse win the heart of unemployed Maggie Duncan, or is Pazzazzi singing the wrong tune?

6. Tired of playing just the bass notes, and desperate to get closer to hunky flautist Toby James, symphony tuba player Martha Carlson switches to piccolo. Will Toby fall for Martha once she starts . . . Hitting the High Notes?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Hitting The High Notes: Carl Hiaasen meets Thelma and Louise (sans cliff dive).

[How do I hate thy hook? Let me count the ways.

1. Sans.

2. It's quite likely that your query is going to be read by a twenty-year-old intern English major who's studied Milton and Keats and who reads romance in her leisurely hours, and who never heard of Carl Hiaason unless she remembers his name from the credits in the movie Strip Tease.

3. She was also two years old when Thelma and Louise (sans cliff dive) came out, and if she's seen it at all, the only thing she remembers about it is the cliff dive.

4. Okay, she probably also remembers Brad Pitt.
 
5. If she looks up the movie on the Internet, she'll find it's about an Arkansas waitress and a housewife who drive cross-country pursued by federal authorities after killing a rapist. Having looked ahead, I don't see it as the best comparison.]

South Floridian, Maggie Duncan, [Two unnecessary commas in the first four words has me worried I'll be commatose by the end of this.] is flirting with fifty. [She'd have better luck if she flirted with just one! Ba-dum-ching.] Her hormones wreak havoc. Her job’s outsourced to India and she’s still navigating the shoals of mourning after her mother’s death when she meets by chance AWOL opera singer Lorenzo Pazzazzi who is nursing a bruised ego from bad reviews To pass time during his self-imposed exile, Lorenzo cooks up a scheme to win Maggie’s sympathy, and affection. Posing as a kidnapped celebrity on the run from [How can he be both kidnapped and on the run? Also, I'm picturing this guy as built like Pavarotti, in which case if he's on the run, he'll be easy to catch.] a kooky ransom-seeking environmental group, The Green Socks Gang, [He claims to be kidnapped and on the run from environmental kooks to pass the time? Why is he trying to win the sympathy and affection of a complete stranger?] the bad-boy baritone leads Maggie on quite a chase. [Is she chasing him, or running with him? In either case, why?] She figures out [exposes] his ruse, however, with help from her best friend [Ah, Louise finally shows up. I was beginning to think your hook should just be Carl Hiaasen meets Thelma.] and turns the tables, meeting “a potential keeper” along the way.

Thanks for your time and consideration of this completed 90,000 plus lady-lit with strong romantic elements. I am a member of RWA. Hitting The High Notes finaled in the adult genre category of PNWA’s 2006 Literary contest.

Sincerely


Notes

I assume the romantic elements involve Maggie and the "potential keeper." If you're selling this as lady-lit with romantic elements, you might want to tell us more about the "keeper."

I'd also like to know more about Maggie turning the tables. You've given us the set-up: an opera singer meets a bereaved, unemployed woman and, inexplicably wanting her affection, inexplicably pretends to be the target of environmental terrorists. The story we want to hear, and which you've left plenty of room to tell us, is how Maggie dumps this clown and ends up with Mr. Right. At least temporarily.

I'd start:

South Floridian Maggie Duncan is flirting with fifty. Her hormones are wreaking havoc; her job’s been outsourced to India; and she’s still navigating the shoals of mourning after her mother’s death. She and her best friend Louise spend all their time watching Nurse Betty over and over.

Bad-boy baritone Lorenzo Pazzazzi is nursing a bruised ego from bad reviews. During a self-imposed exile to South Florida, he chances to meet Maggie, who is fascinated by the overwhelming number of "z"s in his name.

You can take it from there.

Is there some way to make it clear why being on the run from environmental kooks would make one seem more attractive to a woman?


Selected Comments

December/Stacia said...I guess the story could be cute, but geez, the punctuation needs some serious work. I picture a whole book full of random commas where they're unnecessary or long, meandering, comma-less sentences where I feel like I can't take a breath until they end.

I'm also not getting the point of the story. If it's lady-lit with strong romantic elements, I want to see the conflict in the query. Does Maggie's relationship with the opera guy help her find hope again? Or trust in herself? What is the conflict between them, aside from the external stuff?


Phoenix said...I agree with Deece (are we allowed to call you that, or is that name reserved strictly for EE?) about the conflict and resolution not being clear in the query. There's no real apparent motivation, and all the pieces seem a bit jumbled and at loose ends.

As for the comparison at the beginning ... hmm. A real-life author meets two fictional characters? And weren't T and L the ones on the run? Or do you mean before they went on the lam and whichever one of them it was killed the guy who tried to rape her? Like EE, I'm not getting the comparison, especially when Maggie's best friend is pretty much expendable in the query.

And I've got to ask: what's adult genre? Anyone?

comma-tose - I bet you had that one waiting in the wings, didn't you, EE? And you know I always adore your lists!


pjd said...She'd have better luck if she flirted with just one! I laughed so hard at this that it startled my cat, who subsequently fell off the window sill where she had been sleeping.


leave blank said...he chances to meet Maggie, who is fascinated by the overwhelming number of "z"s in his name

Aside from the fact that this is hilarious, it also points out a significant plot point that isn't addressed in the query: why is Maggie at all interested in this guy? I didn't get a sense of what was going on with her.


Anonymous said...Is the "potential keeper" the opera dude? Or do your heroine's affections go to some one else late in the plot? There is obviously no reality in this story, so I'm assuming you intend it as a romp for people who love romantic fantasy and logic doesn't really matter to them. But the query should make it clear who the heroine gets.


Robin S. said...It's quite likely that your query is going to be read by a twenty-year-old intern English major...

It's a weird set-up, isn't it, that a very large slice of the reading demograohic is over forty years of age, and first readers, and thus, decision-makers of the yes-ness or the not-for-us-ness of the slush pile are so young?

I believe you. I just find it interesting.


benwah said...I never quite got into comparing your writing with that of well-known authors. The reader may not recognize the reference (a la EE's example) or the reader may recognize the references too well: "You think YOU'RE the next Elmore Leonard? You couldn't carry his notebook." Too many pitfalls, I think, when you invite such comparisons.


freddie said...Here's why this query doesn't work for me: Usually musicians—even opera singers—don't need to come up with any elaborate schemes to win the affection of women. They just say "I'm a musician," and that usually does the trick. And don't tell me I'm stereotyping, either. I was a music major in college and saw it happen over and over. This is more like a timeless truth.


Anonymous said...Hate to quibble with the master, other than I know it bugs him, but:

Don't you think that Renée Zellweger was actually better in Bridget Jones' Diary than in Nurse Betty, not least because Colin Firth is a much more convincing leading man than Greg Kinnear?

Evil Editor said...The point I was trying to make was to get the best friend into the query earlier if it's really a buddy movie like Thelma and Louise. I note that Ms. Zellweger won the Golden Globe for best actress for Nurse Betty, and was merely nominated for Bridget Jones. (She's won Oscars for Chicago and Cold Mountain, the latter in a supporting role). And while Colin Firth may beat Greg Kinnear, Nurse Betty also has Morgan Freeman. You can't top Morgan Freeman.


Anonymous said...Don't you think Morgan Freeman has rather been coasting recently? I mean, Evan Almighty?


Evil Editor said...You're playing with fire if you say No when you're asked to play God.

New Beginning 974

The world didn't end on Mayan year zero but it tried real hard. The Yellowstone, Long Valley, and Valles calderas in the northern hemisphere, Lake Toba in Sumatra, Taupo in New Zealand, and Aira in Japan blew and activated the Pacific Rim volcanoes. Ashy ejecta blotted out the sun.

We called it the Dark Time and I was ten. Mom and Pop didn't survive the Resource War and plagues that followed. I stayed alive by being a privateer and bushwacker for decades. Recently, I've been guardian of surviving youths. My caves hold a dozen young men. We grow mushrooms, vegetables, berries, and raise rabbits, goats, and sheep.

I walked into the waterfall where we bathed and came behind Angel Wings, my youngest charge who we thought was eighteen years old. The wings tattooed on his back hid the scars and permanent welts. Tonight, they moved up and down with his efforts. These boys need relief and privacy. I didn't breathe as his body stiffened for a silent finish. I tried to back away.

"Please don't. I want to talk about the time before? Will we ever have towns, suburbs, wives, and children?" Angel asked, tears in his eyes.

Maybe not, but we sure still have burgers."

Angel and I turned to see who'd spoken: a squat guy on a unicycle. Slung round his neck was a portable mini-barbecue, the sizzle of its burgers complementing the volcanic boom like a suffocating snake buried under a dump truck.

"Fifty cents for regular, a dollar fifty for jumbo, mustard and ketchup fifteen cents a squirt."

"Sure beats eating sheep," said Angel. "And the fractal patterns swirling in that cooking oil are easier on the eye than any ejecta. Or any ejacula, for that matter."

"One problem," I said. "Since the Resource War, we've had no resources. Like coins."

"I'll take your pants," said the squat guy. "It's a fair exchange in a nightmare world where the only relief from contemplating a fractured and dystopian future comes from raising rabbits in caves with young men."

Angel slipped off his moose hide chaps. "I'm in."

"Me too." I unhitched my customised brassiere thong. "Do we get napkins with these? I'm a messy eater."

The squat guy flipped a burger with his foot long tongue which up till now we had mistaken for a lurid cravatte. "Napkins — why, yeah. And a toy. You want Disney, Britney Spears or a bizarre alien dildo?"
 

Opening: Dave F......Continuation: Whirlochre

Face-Lift 1077

Guess the Plot

Genesis List

1. A spaceship heads for the stars, carrying a cargo of humans to start a colony on a distant planet. Also, more scientific errors than the minions can be expected to stomach.

2. When Andrea got her first DJ job, she figured it was a chance to play all her favorite Genesis songs to a captive audience. But just when she thought it was going all right, she finds out she's wrong when she thought she was right.

3. After 16-year-old Rosina Casperelli finishes off a kingdom of super-powered beings and battles an ancient evil bent on enslaving her, she'll still have to deal with the most terrifying knowledge of all: her name is on the mysterious . . . Genesis List!

4. When the bodies of four women turn up in different parts of the city, homicide detective Zack Martinez puts it down to football violence. But when a fifth girl is found missing a piece of her scalp, it brings back memories of a chilling serial killer from the beginning of his career. He knows two things: If this is the Genesis killer, then they sent the wrong man to San Quentin; and the Genesis Killer knows where he used to live.

5. Archaeologists discover an ancient parchment, mysteriously untouched by the ravages of time, and race to decipher the mysterious writing. Will the National Science Foundation withdraw their funding when the parchment is declared to be God's to-do list, dropped by the careless deity during the first days of creation?

6. Being on the Genesis List means that Riatta will among the chosen few to survive the apocalypse. But when she discovers that all the females on the list will be imprisoned in "birth chambers" and will bear quintuplets every 10 months for as long as they remain fertile, she leads the other teens in rebellion.



Original Version

Dear EE,

Sixteen-year-old genius Rosina Casperelli has a soft-spot for strays. When she finds a glowing young amnesiac in the alley behind St. Catherine's, she quickly learns that she can't keep him safe from a secret kingdom of super-powered beings called HighBorn by hiding him in her closet. [If the HighBorn couldn't even find him in the alley behind St. Catherine's, I wouldn't worry that they'll find him in her closet.] [Also, if he has amnesia, who told Rosina the HighBorn are looking for him?] [Who is Rosina? A high school student? A superhero? Does she have any chance against a kingdom of super-powered beings?]

Pursued by the terrifying Night Huntsmen, it’s angst and adventure as Zina and her growing circle of friends seek safety on a legendary island and discover that they’re more than just names on the mysterious Genesis List. But are they ready to fight an ancient evil bent on enslaving them all? [Are we still in the same book? Is Zina Rosie's nickname? Are the Night Huntsmen HighBorn? Are the HighBorn the ancient evil bent on enslaving Rosina and her friends? Why does an ancient evil want to enslave Rosina and her friends? Where and what is the Genesis List? What's mysterious about it? What are Rosie and her friends beside just names on the Genesis List? How do they go about finding a legendary island? Once they're safe on the legendary island, how do they go about fighting the ancient evil? Is it just going to walk into their trap, or do they have to leave the island and go looking for it? What happened to the glowing amnesiac?]

Genesis List is a young adult super-heroic fantasy adventure, complete at 95,000 words.

Thank you for your time!


Notes

First of all, change the title to The Genesis List.

There's no transition from paragraph 1 to paragraph 2. What does the amnesiac in the alley have to do with the Huntsmen and the ancient evil and the Genesis List?

You're supposed to provide a summary of your story. The second paragraph sounds more like an advertisement.

Start over. Give us a 3-sentence paragraph telling us who Rosina is and what she wants and what book-worthy situation she's gotten herself into.

Then I want a paragraph telling us what she needs to do and what's keeping her from succeeding.

Wrap it up with a paragraph telling us what will happen if she fails and how she plans to overcome her seemingly insurmountable odds.

Be specific. Unless it's really lame, you definitely want to include what the Genesis List is.

Face-Lift 1076

Guess the Plot

Rise of the Fall
 
1. The fall of America from its position of greatness to second-rate nationhood, as seen through the eyes of those responsible, the CEOs of Goldman Sachs and Lehman Brothers.
 
2. Casey is supposed to start classes at NYU in the fall, but suicide bombers start targeting New York City. So Casey moves to her beloved grandfather's farm in Wisconsin, but then World War III breaks out. And then her grandfather succumbs to a bioterrorist attack. Casey can't wait for the rise of the winter.

3. Every year, the mighty oak Shlorepterson wages a battle against the changing seasons, fighting valiantly to protect his home and the lives of the other trees. Will this be the year he finally wins?
4. All across the valley, leaves are changing color, air-conditioning bills are dropping to reasonable levels, and people are starting to dress in layers. It just won't do. Can Old Man Summer stop this horrifying trend before pumpkins go on sale at the old general store?

5. Rainfall has increased every month in Morgantown, until the only home that hasn't been destroyed by flooding is Jedidiah Crowley's mansion, at the top of the hill. Crowley has refused to take in any of his now-homeless neighbors. Maybe he'll get his come-uppance if sharks move onto his property.

6. Fall has always been the least respected of the seasons. Known mostly for raking leaves, lame costume parties, and eating dry turkey with relatives you hate. But all that changes when fall agrees to a merger with summer, and its beach vacations. Now Sumfall is the longest and best season of all!



Original Version

Dear Agent,  Seventeen-year-old Casey Willow is an overachieving ex-gymnast [If she's already an ex-gymnast, she sounds more like an underachiever. Or did she retire after winning Olympic gold?] who wants nothing more than to graduate high school and escape to NYU. But life never got that memo. Because suicide bombers have infiltrated America and Manhattan is their prime target. To make matters worse, Casey’s best friend, Michael Shepherd, leaves school to enlist in the navy but not before he professes his everlasting love for her.
But only fools fall in love. And Casey’s no fool. [I'd dump those two sentences. I don't see what they add to the query.]
A brush with death and a happenstance hero, none other than Andrew Tate (the richest, most obnoxious boy in Casey’s senior class), propels Casey on an obstacle course that leads straight to the man responsible for the terrorist attacks. [Is it Donald Trump? Because I doubt anyone will believe that.] To survive, Casey must do the unthinkable─trust Andrew. Casey must be out of her mind to agree to flee New York with him. Even crazier, she convinces her workaholic mother to allow Casey and her genius little sister, Gina, to leave the city with Andrew and her two best girlfriends. [You keep using terms like "unthinkable," "out of her mind," and "crazy" to describe things that don't seem all that unthinkable or crazy. Perhaps you should just tell us what happens and let us judge for ourselves if it's crazy.] They head to the happiest place on earth as far as Casey’s concerned─her grandparents’ farm in Shirebrook, Wisconsin.
Casey soon discovers that leaving the city is not enough to keep her troubles at bay. She can’t shake her growing attraction to Andrew. America enters into World War III [Does World War III really belong on a list of troubles a high school kid can't keep at bay?] [Also, usually there's more of a buildup toward entering a World War. This feels like Casey moves to Wisconsin and thinks, Okay, I'll be safe and happy here, not a worry in the-- WTF?! World War III?!!!] and an economic tailspin that trickles all the way down to Shirebrook. And just when Casey thinks life can’t possibly get any worse, Grandpa Cliff─her favorite person in the world─succumbs to a bioterrorist attack.
Casey must find the faith and courage to save him. [It's too late to save him, he already succumbed. Or is that "succame"?] But can she do that without losing her heart to Andrew in the process? [If you're going to ask that question, you need to make clear the connection between finding the faith and courage to save Gramps and losing her heart to Andrew.] [Also, how is faith/courage useful in saving someone who's been exposed to a deadly virus?]
RISE OF THE FALL is a contemporary YA novel with series potential, complete at 89,000 words. While this is one of my first submissions, I do want to let you know I plan on submitting to other agents in the coming weeks. [I've found that threatening agents rarely has a positive effect. Unless your goal is to get your rejection slip at warp speed.] Thank you for your consideration.

Best,


Notes

A new title is in order.

If Andrew is the romantic interest, Michael doesn't need to be in the query.

You might want to mention in the opening paragraph that the world is on the verge of WWIII.

Is Casey living in New York City while in high school? I can see parents wanting to get their kids out of the city if they're in harm's way, but telling us she wants to go to NYU doesn't mean she lives in Manhattan. She could live in Montana.

I'm not sure meeting the man behind the bombings needs to be here. The bombs are motive enough for fleeing the city.

If the main plot is what happens after they get to Wisconsin, you could condense all of this setup to:

With the US about to enter WWIII and suicide bombers bringing chaos to Manhattan, Casey Willow leaves high school and moves, with her sister and three of her friends, from NYC to her grandparents' farm in Wisconsin.