Evil Editor's Blog, page 159

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Cliquing on Time

1. In Dateline High, the cliques are organized by time, and somehow Susan got stuck with the 2 AM crowd, which means they are always, always asleep. But Susan has her sights set on high noon, and she won't stop until she's clawed her way out of the sleepers and into the lunch date crowd.

2. The popular girls torment Andrea about her relentless punctuality. Cute geek Dan breaks out in hives whenever she's near. High school is tough for an android. When a disaster hits, can Andrea save the day, put the cliques in their place, and win the love of a boy with a metal allergy?

3. Detective Morris Night of the Minneapolis Police Department has been handed a crucial assignment: find out why local teenagers are suddenly disappearing in droves. Night uncovers a new, memory-erasing designer drug, street-named "Time." In a troubled city, can Night stop Time before time runs out?

4. Unpopular band geek Hermitrude, obsessed with cuckoo clocks and stopwatches, schemes and murders to secure herself a place in the popular clique at her elementary school.

5. At the Texas maximum security prison, the men doing hard time have formed cliques: murderers, rapists, drug dealers, gang members . . . Now they've suddenly found themselves on another planet where their survival depends on cooperation. Can these societal misfits choose a leader and work together, or will chaos reign?

6. Twelve-year-old Mefistia Wrench downloads an Internet computer game, Tiempo No Molestame. She and her girlfriends start playing the game together online, but each girl's world changes with each move. The game then announces that only one can return home. Will Mefistia return to her proper time? And what of her friends?



Original Version

No one at the Texas maximum security prison knew what happened in the small hours of New Year's Day as their regimented world spun into chaos. Murderers, rapists, gang members, drug dealers, and "freeworlders" collided with each other and with nature on a raw, new world. [Whattaya mean, a raw new world? Have they gone back in time to one million B.C. ? Or was there an earthquake that killed the guards and left the place in rubble? Tell us where they are.]

[Rapist: Where the hell are we?

Drug dealer: I don't know, but it smells bad, and there are strange noises emanating from that canyon.

Murderer: Isn't it obvious? We've somehow been transported to Uranus.]

Community would be redefined by the antisocial. Slowly, order, and even romance, emerged, [So far this sentence has a comma after 67% of its words.] stumbling amid dire setbacks in the tragicomedy of life. [Huh? Maybe a couple more commas were in order.] 
 
Ultimately, does survival depend more on overcoming the brutality of nature or overcoming the nature of the brutal? [Trying too hard to be clever. "Overcoming the nature of the brutal" is clunky.] 
 
During my thirteen years as a volunteer in a Texas maximum security prison, [When you're doing twenty to life and you ask them to let you work in the prison library, does that really make you a volunteer?] I have made a number of close friends; most, I pray will never come visit me. [Sounds kinda like me and my minions.] I have used composites of my friends to create characters who have captivated even skeptical readers. [What are they skeptical of?] In showing these characters struggling to survive on an empty clone of Earth, I portrayed them positively but also realistically and honestly. [Your characters are murderers, rapists and gang members . . . and you based them on your friends?]

The positive responses to my first book surprised me. Looking for feedback from the maximum number of readers, I submitted it to Baen Book's unofficial slush pile. The response was so positive that mine was the first and perhaps the only unofficial submission to make it to Mr. Bean's desk. [Mr. Bean's desk?] [Thanks a lot. I just blew two hours watching Mr. Bean skits on Youtube.]

 

He had asked to see the second book in my series before he would commit, but he died before I finished editing it. [Yep, that sounds like a Mr. Bean plot.] With Mr. Baen gone, I'm unwilling to submit the over 330K word series to anyone without an agent. [You're saying your willingness to submit to a publisher was dependent on Jim Baen's survival? Intriguing. But not as intriguing as if your willingness to submit to a publisher was dependent on Mr. Bean's survival.] 
 
One last personal note: "a man's got to know his limitations," [Nothing impresses an agent like an author's ability to quote great characters of literature. Although now that agents prefer email queries, there's no reason you can't just embed a video of the actual quote:



and I know that any competent agent could write a better query than I. I've researched you carefully; I understand and value the talents an agent of your caliber provides for a storyteller.

Thank you for your time and careful consideration.


Notes

Instead of concluding with a note about how your query sucks, why not improve it? You're writing a business letter to an agent. It needs to include a clear description of your book's plot. Your premise is that the inmates in a maximum security prison find themselves on an empty clone of Earth. I assume there's an explanation, so what is it?

Which prisoner is the main bad guy, the one who prevents anything from getting done? In what way is nature brutal here? Describe the hardships the "good guys" have to overcome with a couple specific examples.

If I were a drug dealer, and I discovered you had created a character based on me plus a rapist and a murderer, I would definitely be paying you a visit when I got out of prison.

An agent is unlikely to care that your book once made it out of an unofficial slush pile.

Drop the Baen paragraph and the following one and you'll have plenty of room to tell us what happens in your book in the plain language you would use if we were sitting on opposite sides of a bulletproof window on visitors day. What's the situation, who are the key characters, what's keeping them from attaining their goal?


Selected Comments

BuffySquirrel said...I'd be careful not to leave it open to interpretation that this novel killed Jim Baen.


Sarah Laurenson said...This one is priceless, EE. 330K for the series? How many books? How many words in the first book? What genre is this?

Interesting thought that you are exempt from having to learn to write good queries because you once made it out of the slush pile.


Anonymous said...The part about Mr. Bean dying before he could propel the book to the bestseller list is funny, but author, really, you should leave it out.


Kiersten said...I wish Mr Bean was an editor.


writtenwyrdd said...I had a difficult time separating your voice from the story information, Author. Reminds me of the time I experimented with "funny" application letters when I was job hunting. Amazingly (she says sarcastically) I did not get one interview out of that batch of humorous letters.

I think the same applies to your query tone of voice. Keep it a business letter in style and save the amusing voice for the book stuff.


Dave F. said...As I understand your letter, Baen liked your first novel and wouldn't do a deal before he saw your second. Unfortunately, he died.
If you had an agent reading your first novel in place of Baen, and that agent passed away before you finished the second, what would you do?

Obviously, query another agent. You know you have a nice piece of writing. Don't be afraid of the query.

Besides, you need an agent anyway. I don't care what legal background you have. You need a dispassionate agent to do that publishing contract.

BTW - is this SCI-FI? Do the prisoners end up on another planet with only their wits to build and survive? That's a neat plot. Like Lord Of The Flies neat.


benwah said..."I have used composites of my friends to create characters." So do many authors.

"The positive responses to my first book surprised me." This suggests that you expected lousy responses, implying you think your work isn't very good.

You have the prison experience, not me, but the word "clique" makes me think of high school, The Breakfast Club, etc. Not The Latin Kings vs. the child molesters in the prison yard.

This query lacks a couple of things. Protagonist. Antagonist. Plot. Specifics details. You've spelled out the themes, but I'm not even sure what genre this is.

What does "their regimented world spun into chaos" mean? I would think a new inmate would find his previously ordered world in chaos. Or to you mean a giant hurricane whipped through Texas, leaving the inmates to shift for themselves? Or is this sci-fi and the prison is beamed to Pluto?

Color me confused and, frankly, not at all interested in the provenance of your MS. What's the story?


Anonymous said...My guess is that you are a lot smarter than this query, but as others have mentioned the tone/quirkiness forces one to take a large step back...


batgirl said...This is actually an intriguing premise, and I can see why Baen would have been considering it. The fairly familiar sf trope of the deserted world and how to survive it, but with the twist that it isn't everyday folks or scientists surviving, but convicts.

But when you aren't able to have your manuscript on display for the agent, you need to tell what your story shows, especially the characters and the setting, because sf depends so much on worldbuilding and a believable setting.
So, yeah, what EE said. Cut the Baen info and pick a very few characters to centre your plot synopsis on. And be specific about the alternate-Earth they find themselves in, to avoid the more 'literary' interpretations of the brave new world.


Renee Collins said...I think the premise is very interesting, but I too wanted to see more in the query. Who are these characters and what are the stakes?

Ditto dropping the whole paragraph about Baen. Also, I'd drop the lines on how great your responses have been and how "even the skeptical were captivated" by your characters.

One final nit, I don't see where you got the title. I think you were going for a play on words, but I didn't get it, at all.


WouldBe said...There are 86 words about the story and 208 about your experience, Baen, and agent-kissing. At best, that's backwards.

Most of the 86 is about the prison community and setting. There is little to nothing about the story, and, unless I missed it, no main character was mentioned. Need more story.


Anonymous said...Do you mean clicking on time, like the characters have to click?


Evil Editor said...The author included a note that Cliquing is a prison term for a group attacking an individual.


150 said...Make this straightforward, and give us the actual plot and characters, and I'd probably give it a close look. I don't like the title at all.

Google tells me that Mr. Baen died in the summer of 2006. That makes me wonder what you've been doing with this manuscript for the past two years. It might be best just to leave all that out.

I'm really looking forward to a new version of the query letter, with big juicy skiffy details--I hope you give us one!


writtenwyrdd said...If "cliquing" is prison jargon, and if the author is set on this being the title, I'd explain in the query. Or, for the purposes of the query, it might be a good idea to have a title that says something about the story that doesn't need to be explained.

But, regardless, more plot stuff please!


Julie Weathers said...Author, you spent very little time "selling" your story and most of your time selling yourself. Story first. Always.

A rejection is a rejection by any other name. If you must mention Baen, one sentence at most.

Give us the protag, villain, specific conflict. The premise is good now make the query match it in 250-350 words.


Dave F. said...I know some people hate rhetorical questions, but you could start out:

Can the worst of society survive the brutality of nature? When the population of a prison is suddenly freed on a barren world, they must recreate society to survive. But whet society would murderers, druggies, rapists and whatever else is in prison, create?


benwah said...Dave, I believe the answer to your rhetorical question is Australia.

Dave F. said...Curiously, I thought the answer to my rhetorical question was "The Wrath of Kahn" in Star Trek. They had a spaceship called "Botany Bay"... I'm a fan of Montalban's overacting.
"I am Legend" is possibly this plot, if you tel it from the zombies POV.
"Lost" can be considered this plot.

Australia was a sort-of penal colony. Not everyone was a criminal. They had to have guards and all that. Even Devil's Island (the one in Papillon) needed guards.

I really think more "Lord of the Flies" with adults. The descent into savagery balanced by an ascent to nobility. What is the individuals responsibility to society?

Of Course, SNL would do a Muppet musical of it.


Moth said...See, I'm curious about the "romance" mentioned.

Author, I hope you put a revised version up with the actual plot and you know...some characters and stuff.


talpianna said...Ursula K. Le Guin has an interesting take on the concept in EYE OF THE HERON, where there are two societies formed on a mostly unexplored planet, one descended from the prisoners and the other from the guards and prison officials. The kicker is that the prisoners were peacenik civil-rights protesters, and the guards were brutal Fascist types. It's a very good book. The peaceniks have let themselves be bossed around by the authoritarians, but the story is about what happens when they finally decide to resist.


Xenith said...There are two types of writers: those who know their work is good and it's just a matter of time until a publisher recognises it (or know that the reason they haven't been recognised is because of the System) and those who know their writing isn't really any good and think people are just being nice if they say otherwise.
I haven't noticed any obvious correlation between the actually quality of writing and the author's belief in it :(


Anonymous said...Xenith, I disagree. There are also writers who have a lot of confidence in their work yet who also are terrified inside themselves that they are just kidding themselves. We really like to get positive feedback, but have a difficult time trusting that it is a) sincere and b) accurate.


Whirlochre said...The wordy ending is bizarre — prune the slush refs and simplify.

What's left is an interesting premise, albeit minimally aired. More detail about the protag and the location of the prison is needed.


Reb said...I want to thank everyone for your critiques. To say this business confuses me is... there must be a better word than understatement. While I'm tossing out clichés, let me add that "What we have here is a failure to communicate."

I tried to follow the agent's guidelines with this letter. I did submit it with a synopsis, and I tried to write "One or two paragraphs that would be appropriate for the back of the book." I was also asked to explain why I should be considered instead of the two hundred or so queries received each week.

Please understand that I really, REALLY appreciate the critique of the EE and of the "minions." I can't believe that two of us missed the Baen/Bean mistake. I also appreciate that the back of the blurb needs to make it clear that they are on a clone of Earth. I'm not as certain about the Baen comments and would love to discuss it.

To my mind one of the strongest things I can say is that over a dozen of Baen's readers were so enthusiastic about the sample chapters I posted that the book was plucked from the UNOFFICIAL slush pile and I was accorded the "same treatment given an established author..." He said, "I'm not about to publish the first book of a series with no guarantee that there will be a second."

I'm also not sure how to talk about my thousands of hours as a volunteer chaplain. The experience has helped form the characters, but I don't want to give the impression that this is a religious or inspirational book. If I were to try to summarize it in one sentence (which an agent I have queried yet has requested) it would be: " This is not just a book about "convicts," but about men and women, who never expected to receive a second chance, given total freedom in a virgin new world."

I will re-work this query and will submit here again, this has been very helpful.

PS

Oh, I should also mention that agent in question has now requested the first ten pages.


Reb said...I love the insight that so many of y'all show, especially with so little information. I tip my hat.

One of my fears is that folks will see this as a LORD OF THE FLIES or Botney Bay sort of story. It actually has more in common with SWISS FAMILY ROBINSON or Heinlein's TUNNEL IN THE SKY.

I think I'm widely read, and I love the work of Ursula K. Le Guin but I never read EYE OF THE HERON.

I'm grateful for the references, I know that there are no new plots, but I had thought I was more original than it seems.

There are just so many great comments, I very much appreciate your time and your insights.


Reb said...150 noted that two years have passed since Mr. BAEN, ouch again, died. Making reference to that has bothered me. In a different query letter I mentioned that he showed great wisdom in demanding a second book because I realized when I got to the end of it that I needed to re-write the first to fix a dilemma. Of course that skirts the major reason for the delay.

It has been "the best of times and the worst of times." I've survived a sextuple by-pass two other major surgeries, a daughter's wedding, and a wife's retirement. I'll give you one guess which was the very worst of times. Now, I've finished the re-write and all the re-editing, I'm hale and hearty... and starting all over looking for the RIGHT agent.

I am trying to carefully follow each agent's guidelines, and most are emphasizing the need to be brief. My problem is how to be brief and still convey that my book is "different."

Let me give you an example. A NYT's bestselling author was kind enough to refer me to beta reader she uses. This reader is an officer at a prison in the mid-west. If there is anyone who is more skeptical of offenders than guard, I don't know who it would be. Yet this reader loved the book and commented that he found the characters believable... although he said he rarely sees the side of them I show. I can't use the author's name and I can't use the beta reader's name, so how do I get the idea across that my characters are "different?" Doesn’t everyone think their characters are different?

Sigh, I'm so misunderstood! ;-)


Evil Editor said...What your friends, family, beta readers, and other editors and agents who didn't buy your book thought of it won't matter to the person you're querying. What matters is whether they think they can make money off your book.
To convince them they can, give them a clear description of your story and your credentials (in this case, your experience with prisoners). You should have room on one page to include 8 to 10 sentences about your story.


Julie Weathers said...I wouldn't worry about the delay. I had to put my fiction writing on hold twice. Crap happens.

Glad you are hale and hearty again. Undergoing that kind of surgery is scary.

And, a tip of the hat to you for your volunteer work. That takes a lot of dedication and fortitude.


Reb said...Thank you EE, I'll drop the Baen references. I assume you wouldn't put those extra sentences in if you are also sending a synopsis. That seems redundant to me.
However, I have a hard time understanding how anyone could read a hundred queries a week and not just want to find a quick reason to reject them, so perhaps I need to use the query to get them to read and think about the synopsis.

I've enjoyed xenith's comments, but I take issue with the "two kinds of author's" I think there's a third who know their writing is "merely adaquate, but their story is really good." For that hack, the real frustration is not being able to get the story read. ;-)

Reb Bacchus
---
Yes, I do know that Bacchus is the Roman god of debauchery and orgies; however, our side of the family never gets invited to his functions.


Reb said...I do have a main character one based on three real people. He went to prison instead of Harvard because he was part of a drunken stunt that got a man killed. Once there he became a champion, racist, "gladiator." Just before the story starts he's had an epiphany and is trying to put that life behind him. He knows he's never going to get out, but wants to live as positive a life as is possible in prison.

When the "event" happens his determination to make the best of his second chance leads others to follow his example. While the convicts face the types of problems that almost doomed so many early European colonial efforts, the real problems are cultural and societal.

Here are a couple of examples. What sort of family structure should be established when an initial imbalance of males is projected to become an excess of females? What is the role of marriage and weddings in a society where the only Social Security is one's own children? How does a society deal with crime and punishment when they don't have the resources for any sort of incarceration?

Of course these are just part of the story. For example the hero is overmatched as a clueless man trying to prevent the "wedding industry" from getting started.

How does one say, I've got this great hero, but he's trying to avoid killing his fifth man in prison? ;-)

I have only sent out five queries at this point. Two were rejected in less than a day without looking at a single page of the story. A third only wanted a synopsis and gave me a "This isn't for me," in a couple of hours. The fifth just asked for pages.


150 said...so how do I get the idea across that my characters are "different?"

Well, I was going to come here and tell you that giving them names and personalities is a good start. Then I see the last post where you've done that. What you wrote sounds like exactly the kind of thing your query letter should say.

How does one say, I've got this great hero, but he's trying to avoid killing his fifth man in prison? ;-)

You say, "Clifton Jailbird intended to go to Harvard; now he's trying to avoid killing his fifth man in prison. On another planet."

Details! Details details!


Dave F. said...Don't worry that you got five rejections. I don't think there is a writer here that hasn't gotten five rejections. And five is a small number...

And when they say, "this isn't for me" don't take that as saying that there is something wrong with your story. It might just be the truth that they don't represent this genre or sub-genre or however that agent parses/divides/nitpicks the world of books. Just bear in mind that it is not you. That agent not be able to market your book and is telling you honestly that they can't do a good job for you.


Dave F. said...Relax, the hard work is over. A query is a single page letter and you are more than capable of writing it. What you need then is lots of patience with a system that moves like arthritic snails.


writtenwyrdd said...Reb, Just my opinion but I don't think it's needful to prove you know the subject for a fiction novel. We are supposed to be able to research and write without having lived it, and we aren't writing memoirs. If it mattered about real life experience, then me writing a male protagonist might be called into question because I don't pee standing up. So don't drive yourself crazy on that particular point when there are plenty more! :)

Seems like the main point of the novel is a bunch of prisoners end up on Planet X. I'd start there and get the main conflict and the main people involved in the first paragraph.

I think this is a skill that you get the hang of after a few tries. Not as simple as it looks.

9/16/08 3:49 PM
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Blogger Sarah Laurenson said...You have an MC, tell his story with the query. Enough to hook the agent/editor to want to read the pages. Don't worry about other characters or trying to cover everything in your book. The main thing is to get your voice and your hook onto one page. And concentrating on the MC can help boil the story down without making it too general. Give us a feel for him and an idea of what he faces. You've got a good start going in these comments.


Benwah said...Reb, Your story comes across much better when talking about it informally here as opposed to in your query. That's a common problem, I think. I'm much more interested in your story now that you've presented us with a main character.

W/r/t your experience as a prison volunteer giving you unique insights into constructing realistic characters, I think it is enough to say simply that you have years of such experience. Let the reader make the inference that your background will influence your work.


Reb said...xenith, you've gone right to the heart of my dilemma. The line in my query where I admitted I couldn't write a good query letter is because I know I haven't been able to write a creditable brief one. There are just too many preconceptions I have to overcome.

It is not false modesty to say, with my English teacher wife's help, I'm a good journeyman writer, but I know that's all I am. I have an occasional good line, but Bartleby won't have to add a new chapter for anything I write. The writing flows, but it is the story that keeps the reader's interest. Hmm, okay, I confess that every few thousand words I'll let my vocabulary slip by using a word like chancre or ensorcelled

However when average reader hears I have a "book about prisoners on a virgin planet" they form a very different image than what I've produced. Yes, there is a big fight scene at the start, but even that is more about showing character growth than fighting.

Then there's the image of a prison chaplain. The only one's I've ever seen are shown as giving last rites to the condemned on their way to the chair. The ones I know are tough minded men who know that they aren't working with choirboys. They also know that they are the closest thing to a sympathetic voice a prisoner will hear. In the first year or so, you learn that even the "good inmates" are lying manipulators. I've heard the intimate details of the lives of hundreds of inmates, I've only heard two who claim to be innocent. One was a very wealthy CEO who murdered his wife, but tried to blame it on his mistress... all while serving as a pillar of his church. The other is a pastor convicted of child molestation. I actually look forward to seeing both men... as long as they're kept in prison!

Sorry, my point is that given time I know I can show that I really have written a very different book and that my characters while real, are very different. Given a few attempts, I can convince most folks that I have a book worth reading. I also know that my first ten pages aren't going wow anyone. I don't want them to. I want them to see a rather staid view of prison. I need to establish my credentials and to set a contrast of confinement to the freedom of the rest of the book. I can't show redemption and growth without showing where the characters start from. I just haven't figured out how to do all that agents are asking in a single page.
Hmm, how about this:

Hi, I've been a volunteer prison chaplain for the last thirteen years and I've written a very good book about a tiny group of maximum security prisoner trying to survive on a clone of Earth just after our last ice age. (whoo, pause for breath) However, the mysterious world isn't this virgin planet, but the world where over a million men and women live, our prisons.

The characters are murders, rapist, drug dealers and gang leaders, but trust me, you'll love them when you get to know them. Now, this might not sound like a great book, but if you'll just give me a half-dozen attempts, I'll convince you. ;-)


Reb said...I've been amazed at the willingness of world renowned experts to share their knowledge with a wannabe writer. One man, an expert in wind power, needed a whole paragraph just to list his degrees. He convinced me that solar power is worthless. It takes more energy to produce and safely dispose of solar panels than they will ever produce.

Of course another man who needed a whole can of alphabet soup for his degrees and honors convinced they the first man didn't know what he was talking about. When I mentioned this to the first man, I got lost in his first equation!

Yes, if we have the background we can research almost anything. I'm not sure that applied to people. I'll give you an example from my book... loosely based on a true story. A man has a contract with a prostitute, and she... hmmm no, it took a whole chapter to tell that story. The point is that even some of my feminist friends agreed that this specific episode of forced sex wasn't rape. It was a crime, but not rape. However, several chapters later when the man dies, I try to show that he had managed to scam everyone. (that part needs work because most of the same feminist didn't pick up on the fact that it WAS rape.) It is very hard for someone with morals and standards to understand those that don't. I don't just mean sociopaths, a nearly useless label, but men and women who fully understand the effect of their actions on other and... the reactions are... different.

I tell every good of new volunteers that if they work in prison long enough they will be scammed. There are men who will spend years setting up and executing a scam. In many cases they might even know that the scam will work against their long term interest. They don't care, for them the most important element is the knowledge that they "won."

Perhaps others can learn to understand these sorts of people from research, but I've done a lot of reading on the topic and I know I that much of what I read doesn’t agree with what I've learned. first hand.

Bottom line, I agree, research is sufficient if you are going to go with "what everyone knows." However, if you are going to try to run against popular knowledge you need some "bonifides."


Dave F. said...Of your paragrpah or two in the response, this might be good as a start to the query letter:

A tiny group of maximum security prisoners trying to survive on a clone of Earth just after our last ice age. However, the mysterious world isn't this virgin planet, but the world where over a million men and women live, our prisons.
The characters are murders, rapist, drug dealers and gang leaders,

I would make it read:
A group of men abandoned to a violent world far from civilization. They might as well be colonists an alien planet but they aren't. They are the murders, rapists, drug dealers and gang leaders imprisoned in the Sequin Maximum Security prison in Texas.

Prisoner Alpha must adjust... etc...

I gather that the prison as prehistoric world is one of your big metaphors in the novel. However, you need a character for the reader to care about. This is the reason they will read the book. So it's either one of the prisoners or the entire prison system itself.

I think more than the alien world metaphor, you might think about the "Birdman of Alcatraz" as a model story for a description - Perhaps "Murder In The First" from 1995 (Although this isn't a novel) which is gritty.


Reb said...Gulp! Yeah, there are a few other metaphors in the book too, but they're not supposed to get in the way of a good fast read. Who, besides us scribblers and English majors wants to read a complicated book by a no one?

Then there's my hero... Just between us chickens, the alpha hero is what those of us who work with prisoner long to see. Someone who changed into someone we can admire. We all know that in a maximum security prison, about 30% of those released ARE new men, the rest we get to see again. We just don't know who the real good guys are. I'll never forget the man who, shortly before he was to be released, jacked (stole) half a can of sugar right in front of me. When he remembered I was a "freeworlder" he just grinned and held a finger to his lips for silence. He is now in his sixth year of a successful street ministry. He's not making any money, but he's helping a lot of people. I never would have guessed.

My hero is a man who was ruined by our prison system but who has made to decision to become a new man. A small part of the story is that no matter how sincere, no man can leave all his baggage behind.

Now, doesn't that sound like an easy character to sell in a portion of a paragraph?

I loved your paragraph and I'll probably steal part of it.


Reb said...Sigh, now it is official, I just got a "Sorry, but this isn't right for my list" note from the agent to whom I sent the query discussed here. At least she requested pages and sent a personal reply and didn't wait a month to do it.

Now, I'll hunt for another candidate and try something else.


Dave F. said...You say such nice things in those long comments. Think about how you can use them in the query:

This: My hero is a man who was ruined by our prison system but who has made to decision to become a new man. A small part of the story is that no matter how sincere, no man can leave all his baggage behind.

Can be this line in a query and present the character involvement. You have to fix this up, of course.
John Smith, driven to murder, sodomy and drug abuse by prison, decides to become a new man*. But, no matter how sincere, no man can leave all his baggage* behind.

*cliche alert (not necessarily bad, just cautionary)


stick and move said...Talk about coming in late to the party... Oh well, Reb, if you're still reading these comments:
Someone else noted that your first explanation of the story told more than the query. It did. It sounded a lot more like a query than your letter did. Start with that, take some of the advice here about details, and drop Mr. Bean from the query and you've got it. You're not that far away.

Always remember the main purpose of the query: to get them reading the pages. That's it. Two sentences on genre and word count and then the hook. If they pick up the first five pages that you've conveniently provided, the query did it's job.

Good luck with it.


Xenith said...Now that you've unconfused me...

In my opinion, when it comes to commercial fiction, servicable prose + good storytelling is what you want. If you look at most popular authors, that's what you'll find. Servicable prose doesn't draw attention to itself but acts as the vehicle for the good story telling, and it's the story telling that brings readers back. (Now, some of them have good prose AND good storytelling but I do think they're the minority.)


Xenith said...This post has a lot of comments.

I have been thinking about the idea of research vs pratical experience.

I'm reminded of a book I read late last year, a sequel to a very popular fantasy novel, where the main characters spend half the book at sea, on a sailing ship. The problem is, this part doesn't ring true. (And there is a note by the author in the back of the book apologising for this.).

Now, I don't have much experience with tall ships myself, about 6 months hands on and too many reference books, but that's enough for me to wonder why anyone would try to write about them with no experience. Some authors are able to create that ring of truth with mostly book learning. (Sometimes because the writers knows just a bit more than the typical reader, which is sufficient to get away with {g}.) I reckon real life experience is the best way to add verisimilitude, assuming you have the skills to make use of it, instead of falling back on cliches.

For that matter, visiting, doing, touching, seeing the real thing is always better than just reading books.

And on that subject, I could have done with some feedback from you Reb for my current WIP.


150 said...Make the title "Freeworlders." Seriously.


Reb said...I do like your idea for the title, it has depth. Ultimately, I'll let the publisher pick one.

batgirl said...A bit late and a minor point, but the term 'clone of our Earth' bothers me. Clone does have a specific meaning, and I'm fairly sure inorganic things (rocks, magma) don't clone that well. What about that old standy 'alternate Earth'?

Reb said...It isn't an alternate Earth... which also has special meaning in Sci-Fi... but a perhaps a 100% Earth Normal planet. The make up of the land masses are different but the precentage of land to water gravity and everything else is the same as Earth.
They quickly realize that they they are millions of light years from Earth, but the planet is normal. So, you're right, I shouldn't say clone... but I'll have to think of a new word.

As so often happens toward the end of the week these days...

. . . we've run out of queries and openings. One of your fellow minions has suggested we fill such voids by offering our opinion/advice/expertise on Kickstarter projects. Starting with hers.

"I can't seem to muster a novel but I am getting ready to post my first Kickstarter project, which is 'storyteller's kit.' The material is primarily graphic, the text is minor.

Here is a link to the Kickstarter preview page. The Preview page will exist for about another week, and then the project will go live."

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/susanb/2042212632?token=bf0058f5

Editorial suggestions may be made as comments to this post.

Face-Lift 1071

Guess the Plot
The Gone
1. We hear plenty about the experiences of teenaged mothers-- but this haunting, gritty non-fiction narrative chronicles the trials and tribulations of six teenaged fathers. 
2. A personalized review of your 401K and pension plan over the last decade.
3. Keeping a vow they made 45 years ago, six zoned-out stoners meet on Fisherman's Wharf and provide meandering accounts of their lives, loves, and drug experiences.
4. Professional bedtime story reader Lee Vipond suddenly finds his home gone when a real estate speculator buys his apartment building and evicts him.  

5. Felipe, Hambone and Lucas all join Occupy San Bernardino, figuring they'll meet girls, score some pot, play drums, and camp in the park. Everything is fine, until some lady from TV interviews Hambone. Now Lucas's dad wants to know why he isn't in class, Baby Smiley wants to know why Felipe is with that gringa, and Hambone's mother has no idea who the hell he is.
6. In the darkened pantry of the old Moore house, naught but shadows and cobwebs can be found. The cupboards sit hollow on the walls, vacant as eyesockets in a rotted skull. The refrigerator ... also empty! Am I the only one who goes food shopping around here?!?
7. After a 3 day binge in celebration of the first request for her novel by an actual famous literary agent, Janice wakes up, has 6 cups of coffee, and prepares to email the manuscript. OMG. What happened? Some evil drunk went wild and replaced the file with X-rated smut.
8. In a post-apocalyptic world, three quarters of the world's population die from the go-away bombs of the Go-Away War. Their spirits remain in other dimensions. They see into the remaining real world but can only interact with each other. They quarrel then form into factions which make war on each other.

Original Version
Dear EE:
As a post-dotcom tale of working-class tenants caught in the crosshairs of real estate speculation, my debut literary novel THE GONE explores a topic woefully ignored in fiction. [Considering the vast quantity of fiction published every year, I don't see how anyone can know that a topic has been ignored. If anyone does know, it's probably the person to whom you're writing, so there's no need to state it.]
Ex-gardener Lee Vipond reads bedtime stories by the hour to pampered adults. [By the hour? If I'm reading you a bedtime story and you're still awake after ten minutes, I'm turning on the audiobook and going downstairs to watch The Daily Show.] His upstairs lifer girlfriend, Jane, puts herself through acupuncture school slinging hooch at the neighborhood dive, while her mumblecore teenaged son, Shaun, holes up with his formerly-homeless boyfriend, the obsequious Cody. [We once did a writing exercise whose challenge was to write a 250-word piece of fiction that used the words "Acupuncture," "hooch," "mumblecore," "obsequious," "upstairs," and "homeless." No one could do it. And you managed it in one sentence.] And everyone’s favorite abuela, Mrs. Padilla, manages a derelict corner store. [I don't see "derelict" as a good adjective to apply to a store. "Abuela" should be italicized to alert those who of us who don't know the meaning that we might need to use a foreign-language dictionary. My research reveals that "mumblecore" is a film genre. And I don't see that any of these words is improving the query. Never give me the choice between looking something up or moving on to another query.] But when their apartment building is sold out from under them and they’re faced with eviction, this cohesive band of neighbors find themselves in emotional freefall as they scramble to find new homes in a city they can no longer afford.
No one appears more impacted by the ticking clock than Lee. Accustomed to merely cracking storybooks in the bedrooms of strangers, urgency and need now place him between the sheets of “big tipper” clients. Meanwhile, he struggles to keep his unraveling neighbor family intact in the only true home he’s ever known, or be forced to leave town in a diasporic flight. ["Diasporic" seems a bit overboard to me. Like calling a dozen deaths from West Nile Virus a Holocaust.] Then he meets Arlo, and the growing intimacy between the two men triggers a seismic shift at the core of Lee’s identity, finally propelling him toward his uncertain future. [It seems to me that the loss of his home has already propelled him toward an uncertain future, while his new relationship might make his future a bit less uncertain, especially if Arlo has a stable life. Unfortunately, we don't know, as you tell us nothing about him, even though he seems to be the main force for change.]
As an urban dweller, and having myself weathered a no-fault eviction, I bring to THE GONE an insider’s view of what it’s like to unexpectedly lose one’s home in a financially challenging time. Not an uncommon modern story, I’ve yet to find this wrenching experience of loss and discovery given voice in literature. [With the possible exception of almost everything written by Charles Dickens. Also, The House of Sand and Fog.]
THE GONE is complete at 134, 000 words. Thanks for taking the time to review my query.
Kind Regards,


Notes

If Lee is your main character, focus on him. We don't need a tidbit of information about each of his neighbors. Just refer to his neighbors as his neighbors. The long paragraph could be condensed to something like:

When their apartment building is sold out from under them and they’re faced with eviction, a cohesive band of neighbors find themselves in emotional freefall as they scramble to find new homes in a city they can no longer afford. No one is more impacted by the ticking clock than professional bedtime story reader Lee Vipond.

Now you have plenty of room to tell us about Arlo and what happens after he shows up and after the evictions.

Few people will want to read an entire book about a character whose last name is Vipond. Come up with a better name. I suggest you choose from among Granger, Charles and Bandicoot.

New Beginning 971

"What did I ever see in Jace Mingo?" The thought passed through Logan's mind as he regarded the figure cowering in the cell, the once fine silk suit threadbare, filthy, the shoes holey, his hands a mass of dried blood from scraping the gratings of his cell, a gaunt face, rodent-like beard. The man who would be, the once and future, the master of rebels, defender of humanity, now fallen and defeated by his own devices.

"He's not eating sir. Do you want us to force feed him?" the guard asked.

"Why? He wants death which is forbidden but he will not be denied," Logan said. He hated Federal Prison, hated dealing with the rebels, hated that they viewed conversion as defeat and death as victory. Life and death weighed his conscience. He held it dear and kept it close. There would be no slaughter.

He closed the door's view port and walked the metal hallway to the Judge's Chambers. The new boots gave better traction but being metal and lacking rubber soles, he clanked. A constant audible reminder of his inhuman newness augmented the whirring of motors, the soft gush of hydraulics, the sameness of their metal bodies.

"Why, Logan?" Mingo's wavering voice echoed against the aluminum walls. Logan stopped and listened. "Why do you do this to me? We were friends. Close. Closer than friends, Logan. I gave you energy when your power was gone, and this is how you repay me?"

Tiny pneumatics hissed as Logan rolled his eyes. He turned and shuffled back to the viewport, mimicking the gait of a man in pain.

"Why?" Logan said, recalling the humiliation. "Point one, Jace Mingo, that is not where my batteries go. And point two, Jace Mingo, that was not a fucking battery."


Opening: Dave F......Continuation: Anon.

Face-Lift 1070

Guess the Plot

Spunk

1. The Hunger Games meets Steel Magnolias as one spunky girl gets stranded in post-apocalyptic Queens, New York with two dozen Guatemalan lesbians.

2. After years of abuse and humiliation, a mattress at a seedy motel tells its story in its own wo-- [Insert Another Quarter To Continue]

3. Spunk is the worst band in Liverpool. Maybe that's because they've got a musical imbalance: three drummer guys, one guitar chick, and that kilted bagpiper. Whatever. The 19th Battle of the Bands is still a good excuse to spend an intoxicated week in London.

4. New ]ork model Davendra Fetlock inherits her uncle Spud's Kentucky farm. Once a top Thoroughbred breeding facility, the farm now has only one stallion, swaybacked old Hunk o' Love. But Hunk harbors the rare Man-o-War gene, and Davendra seizes the chance to restore the farm to its former glory — by selling Spud's old stud Hunk's spunk.

5. A major furniture company, buys 5000 acres of Alleghany Valley’s cherry tree forest. They begin clear cutting. Spunk, a porcupine, organizes a resistance movement. They fail to stop the timbering but strike back at the retail outlets. After dark, Spunk’s porcupine patrols break into stores and chew up their finest furniture. It’s a prickly situation.

6. When class brain Maria got stuck with class clown Travarious for their Science Fair project, she knew it was going to be a long weekend. And when he came up with the idea of analyzing spermatozoa, she knew they were in for a rough go--until he demonstrated his technique. Now she can't wait for their presentation on Monday.

7. The knowledge that Todd thinks she's no good for him does nothing to dissuade Tiffany's pursuit of his love. She is a cute spunky witch and she loves a challenge. When all else fails, will she wear that magical miniskirt?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

If you're the sort of person your blog indicates that you are, then you are the perfect person to entrust with negotiating my six-figure publishing deals. [The sort of person I am will gladly see that you get published if you're willing to fork over six figures.] I know people; and I like you.

Me? That's easy.

I'm the sort of person who, after a career publishing educational books and rhyming poetry for children, would write a post-apocalyptic, dystopian fantasy and call it Spunk. (Yes. That kind of spunk.) [Yes, which kind of spunk?]

Synopsis:

Sex, cannibalism, infanticide, and boozing it up are all comme il faut [Not everyone is up on their French, so you might want to go with de rigueur.] in the world in which our heroine, Senga, finds herself stranded, along with a troop of Girl Scouts, some lapsed Catholic peace demonstrators, and two dozen Guatemalan lesbians. [This list sounds comedic. Does it have to be in the same sentence as the one that describes a world where cannibalism and infanticide are acceptable?] Senga and the Abbess, her nemesis, engage readers in a classic confrontation between good and evil, [I'm guessing they engage each other in this confrontation, rather than readers.] [Although it might be cool to be confronted by some characters in a book you're reading, especially if you read erotic romance novels and not dystopian novels about marauding gangs of serial killers.] set among the survivors of a global cataclysm in one small pocket of Queens, New York in the 1970s and 80s. Black humor and brutal violence coexist in this story, along with explicit sex and a poetic narrative lyricism. [I predict bestseller. You've got the big three: brutal violence, explicit sex and poetic lyricism.] Think of it as The Hunger Games meets Steel Magnolias. [I have to confess I wouldn't mind seeing the women from Steel Magnolias participate in a death match. I see Daryl Hannah and Sally Field getting killed in the opening melee at the cornucopia.  Olympia Dukakis would take out Dolly Parton with an ax to the head, but would then be bludgeoned to death by the Julia Roberts/Shirley MacLaine alliance. The winner would be Julia because she has the most spunk. Also because it's my blog so I get to choose.]


Notes

We need to know something about what happens in your book. We know Senga's situation: She's stranded in Queens with Girl Scouts and lesbians. Now we need to know her goal and what happens if she doesn't reach it and how she plans to defeat . . . The Abbess. Tell us the story.

Possibly you should call this alternate history if it's set in New York after a global cataclysm in the 1970s. Of course, I was a little out of it in the 70's, so maybe I missed the apocalypse.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot
 
My Bazillions —and Yours

1. Hector Crawford, once the richest man in the world, died lonely and estranged in a one-room shack on an isolated island. Now his family is after the money. Can Sean McMillan, Crawford's lawyer and the trustee of his estate, convince them there is nothing left . . . while he searches the island for the treasure he knows Crawford hid?

2. This novel/memoir/how-to book features the story of "Lucky" Ned Crump, a Las Vegas gambling guru who becomes a cult figure after winning and losing fortunes. Complete with illustrations, charts, superstitions, and the constant exhortation to “Go With Guts."

3. What will happen to the sanity of real estate speculator Harvey Jones when billions of giant worm-things from space rain down on Malibu and make trails of toxic acid slime on everything he owns? Plus, an amazing cheerleader and her pony.

4. When Elmer Fudd decides to become a major player in the South American slave trade, he discovers his biggest competitor is none other than Bugs Bunny. Not content to let that wabbit spoil another one of his pwomising enterpwises, Elmer dukes it out with Bugs in a series of madcap antics, until they finally settle their diffewences and agwee to go into business together. Now they just have to find a way to wound up those wascally Bazillions.

5. Candice Matisse is rightly proud of her bazillions. What started as a modest endowment when she was a teenager has grown to towering proportions. Now, charmingly obnoxious entrepreneur Max Difford has his eyes on Candice's bazillions. But can he get his hands on them?

6. Gilbert Peachtree, inventor of a time machine, goes back in time, invests in a sure thing, and returns to the present to find himself a bazillionaire. Unfortunately, his meddling caused uncontrollable inflation, so everyone is now a bazillionaire.


Original Version

Dear Agent:

You can win in Las Vegas, enjoy a more fulfilling life, and score a free photo keychain! [I'm considering offering a free photo key chain to anyone who purchases Novel Deviations. You need a clever gimmick to make it as a small business these days. When you press a button on the key chain my laser-beam eyes light up, helping you find the right key in the dark.]

My Bazillions—And Yours is a novel of 110,000 words presented as a combination memoir/how-to. [If it's presented as a memoir/how-to, I don't see how it can be a novel. It's like saying, My book is an atlas presented in the form of a romance novel/sheet music.] [Maybe call it a fictional memoir/how-to or a novel/memoir/how-to. Or just admit that it's a bunch of loosely related stuff you threw together.] Subtitled What It Means To Be “Lucky,” it is the idiosyncratic story of “Lucky” Ned Crump, the self-styled gambling guru whose IncrediSystems have garnered a cult following since their first appearance in 1998. A guileless man subsumed by the Las Vegas dream, Ned wins and loses fortunes, guest-stars on The World Series of Poker, pursues his true love, spends time in jail, vanishes in the Alaskan wilderness, and finally finds something akin to transcendence. [A brief list of subplots is okay in a query, but what is the main story? The Alaska vanishing is intriguing, but the other items on the list need elaboration to interest me. What was he in jail for? Who is his true love? What does he find, and what does it transcend? If this is a novel, you want us to care about Ned. Here's how a man captures and loses the American dream, all in pursuit of true love is more compelling than Here's a bunch of things that happen to a character I made up.]

Because Ned wants nothing more than to share his logic-defying success with you, his tale is punctuated with gambling advice, complete with illustrations, charts, superstitions, fallacies, and the constant exhortation to “Go With Guts.” [As gambling advice is readily available in a format more easily studied than a novel, I assume (or suggest) that Ned's advice is amusing, and not mathematically sound.

As I lay in bed next to Jolene, caressing her white skin, it occurred to me: I never should have gone all in hoping for an inside straight on the river. Even if no one else had one as a hole card, my chances of drawing an 8 were only 4 in 32. For once, Going with Guts let me down. See appendix 32 for my chart on when to stick around after the flop when looking for a straight or a flush. Anyway, back to . . . Hey, where'd Jolene go?]

My own fascination with Las Vegas, its games, and its characters comes from countless visits and experiences that have grown into creative work and part ownership of CheapoVegas.com, a travel website, and BigEmpire.com, its sister humor site. Together, these sites welcome a million unique visitors each year. Bazillions is my second novel based on this body of writing and collaboration. The humor in this book stems from my award-winning comedy writing and performance. Its literary quality reflects my M.F.A. in poetry plus twenty years of writing both professionally and avocationally. [I think the whole book should be written in verse;

I think that I shall never see
A draw as lovely as a 3.
It's not so hard to understand:
I've got three more 3s in my hand.

Here's a haiku you can use on the back cover:

Beating Las Vegas:
It's not difficult to do
If your name's Ned Crump.]

Since you represent innovative fiction, pop-culture topics, and new novelists, you stand out as an agent who can make this book project a success. Please allow me to introduce you to “Lucky” Ned. Sample chapters (print and audio), [Audio? You have an audio version? Is it read by Morgan Freeman?] [What you really need is a video version. I would much rather watch a manuscript acted out on TV than read it. Especially if you can get some A-listers to play Ned and Jolene. I'm thinking Nick Nolte and Paula Abdul.] a synopsis, and my bio are enclosed. The full manuscript is available now at your request.

Thank you for your time—and good luck always.

Sincerely,


Notes

Calling it a novel is a stretch. If you're selling it as a novel, focus on the plot.

If your target audience is gamblers, they may not want to wade through a 110,000-word novel to get tips from a fictional character. And if your target audience is fiction lovers, only those with a keen interest in gambling will not be annoyed by frequent pauses to provide charts and statistics. Either target may be big enough, but I suggest choosing one and tailoring the book to their preferences. You can't be all things to all people.


Selected Comments

Sarah said...This is a hard one. It does sound like you could have an interesting story in there or a how-to book in there, but both?

Like EE said, it's trying to appeal to both crowds but you end up appealing to neither.

And then you mention this is the second novel that you've written. This implies to me that this other novel is published, but I don't think it is as you don't give the title and you talk about being a new novelist.

We all have a bunch of things written, it does nothing to add that to our list of credits except to make you sound unprofessional.

Perhaps you really do have 2 books here. The novel and then a follow on how-to book once your novel takes off and the character becomes popular. Or, if the publisher's interested, they come out as a set.


Anonymous said...The variety might be more appealing in the setting of your blog than it would be in the form of a printed book. Translating a story from one medium to another often involves structural changes because of the ways various media work and don't work. Or maybe it would do well on the "graphic novel" shelf. Cannot tell. Bending genres and reinventing the novel is a dangerous business. Think of the poor slush monkeys, faced with piles of mail to sort through. Whenever they read a query and wonder wtf is that?? they're most likely to pass.


blogless_troll said...I'd get rid of the last two paragraphs and tell us more about the story. Let your award winning comedy writing speak for itself.


Dave F. said...This reminds me of those "tell all" books about restaurants. Like Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential or Daniel Boulud's The Fourth Star.

They aren't marketed as novels but as "industry insider" books that reveal secrets and gossip about the industry.


Lyz said...I get the concept, I just don't think it is communicated as effectively. It gets confused when you define it as the memior/how to. Just say novel. And then later you can say, the first-person narrative is structured the main character's hip-tips on gambling.

It sounds fun and I get it. But I also agree with what the other commenters say. Tighten it up. Focuse on plot and less on execution.


iago said...There's way too much of The Author in the query, and not nearly enough of the story. Fix the balance and the odds might start rolling in your favour.


talpianna said...This is a book by someone obsessed with Las Vegas. The query letter is signed, "Sincerely." That's where you lost me.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Witch Ever Way You Can

1. Two doughty spinsters experiment with different food preservation methods. But wait --is that a broomstick in the corner, over by the simmering black pot?

2. Yet another hot teen witch enrolls at Crossland High School. It's getting so there's no room for bicycle parking anymore, with all the broomsticks.

3. A Wiccan wannabe sets out to train an orangutan to perform religious rites. Hilarity ensues when the ignorant ape guzzles the ceremonial ale and then starts grinding the ritual cakes into the derrieres of female attendees.

4. A guide to love potions, magical incantations, and a few summoning charms that will help even the worst writer get the attention of an agent.

5. Practicing Witch Deirdre's reward for procuring the Star Stone is dinner with her crush, actor Rob Addison. Hilarity ensues when the Star Stone becomes permanently fused into Dierdre's hand, causing her to keep setting Rob on fire.

6. Vesta Marcotte knows there are only three ways to become a witch: innate talent, years of study, or paying someone from the occult black market to steal some witch's powers and transfer them to you. Having chosen the easy way, Vesta tries, with comical results, to master the powers of Allora, the most powerful witch in the western hemisphere.


Original Version

Dear Adorable Evil Agent,

When best-selling author and practicing Witch Deirdre Connelly gets a call from billionaire Stewart Tyler asking her to use her magic to open a mysterious box, she has no idea she will end up with an ancient mystical crystal permanently fused within her palm or handsome actor Robert Daniel Addison by her side as she fights for life, love and control of the powerful Star Stone. [No need to cram the whole story into one sentence when you're about to cram it into two paragraphs. And no need to tell us a character has no idea that at some future moment an ancient mystical crystal will permanently fuse within her palm etc. No one expects stuff like that to happen.] [Shorten this to: When best-selling author and practicing Witch Deirdre Connelly gets a midnight phone call from a billionaire, she has no idea her life is about to turn inside out. Then tack it onto the front of the next paragraph.]

Witch Ever Way You Can is a completed 74,000+ word paranormal romance featuring a protagonist who is strong, quirky and wry. [She's wry? I haven't heard that word applied to a whole person. Usually it refers to a comment made by a person. Perhaps you meant to say your protagonist is wheat, sourdough and rye. That would make even less sense--unless your protagonist is the Pillsbury Doughboy.] [That was what might be referred to as a wry comment.] [You might want to trade "wry" for "bewitching" or "enchanting."] Although Witch Ever Way You Can is a stand-alone book, it is intended as the first in a series and the second book is already underway. [Already?! Incredible.]

Deirdre’s life is going just fine until the midnight call from eccentric billionaire Stewart Tyler. [Have you ever noticed that billionaires think they can call you any time of day? They're totally inconsiderate, and it tees me off. Yes, I'm talking to you, Gates.] He makes her an offer she can’t refuse: in exchange for working a simple bit of magic, she gets dinner with Robert Daniel Addison, the television star she’s had a crush on for years. Dinner goes well, but it’s all downhill from there. [Some would say the downhill part is the easy part.] The treasure her magic reveals, the otherworldly Star Stone, ends up inside her instead of in the hands of its intended owner. [After you change the first sentence you'll have to change "ends up inside her" to "gets fused within her hand." Otherwise we'll think she ate it.]

Now she and Rob are hostage-guests at Tyler’s isolated Montana ranch [Hostage situations would go better if all criminals treated their hostages as guests.] and Deirdre must find a way to return the Stone. Or else. [Or else what?] Can she master the powers of the Star Stone before it masters her…or drives her crazy? Can she find the answers to the Stone’s long-lost secrets from an unexpected spiritual guide before it’s too late? And most of all, can Deirdre and Rob find love in the midst of all this madness and magic? And will he still love her if she keeps setting him on fire? [There's a limit to how many consecutive questions people will listen to without getting any answers. Four is over the limit.] Only time will tell, and time is running out.

My award-winning short story, “Dead (and Mostly) Gone,” is included in The Pagan Anthology of Short Fiction: 13 Prize Winning Tales (forthcoming from Llewellyn in October 2008). I have also published two non-fiction books; Circle, Coven and Grove: A Year of Magickal Practice (Llewellyn 2007) and Everyday Witch A to Z (Llewellyn 2008) and have just sold my third book to Llewellyn. I am practicing Witch and a Wiccan High Priestess [There are a few people I need turned into toads. Email me.] with a number of articles and a weekly column in a Pagan publication. [Be specific.The National Review.]

I would be pleased to send you a synopsis, sample chapters or the entire manuscript on request. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work. I have enclosed a SASE and look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

Considering how many fake plots I received involving orangutans, you might want to come up with a title less like the Clint Eastwood movie.

I don't care how big a crush I have on some TV star, if someone wants a favor from me, and he's a billionaire, he's gonna have to do more than get me a dinner date. I'll bet he offered the TV actor a lot more than dinner.

Is the TV actor a hostage? What's keeping him from leaving? How does the billionaire know Dierdre would rather have a date with Rob than a million dollars? Would a TV actor drop what he's doing and go to Montana for dinner? Has the billionaire tried opening the box with a hack saw? Note that Evil Editor is allowed to ask five consecutive questions. That doesn't seem fair, and yet it is.

You have solid credentials for a nonfiction book going to Llewellyn; as this romance novel query is going to an agent, possibly a sane one, it may not be so important to declare that you are a practicing witch and Wiccan High Priestess. I doubt Anne Rice admitted that she was a practicing vampire and Queen of the New Orleans Blood Cult until after she was a bestseller.

Same with a weekly column in a Pagan publication. You say Pagan; the unenlightened think The Wicker Man. Possibly your credits should just read, I have sold three nonfiction books on witchcraft to Llewellyn. That establishes writing credentials without bringing to mind the wicked witch of the west.


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...I'll bet the story is good but there are so many plot points as presented in the letter that just don't add up. Why does the witch, powerful enough to get the magic stone, need some dopey billionaire to end up at the same table as the movie star (or any celebrity?) If she's so powerful that the billionaire came to her for help, how is she so easily detained at the ranch? Why would the rich movie star need the billionaire to set up blind dates? And it seems a little too convenient that after being dragged to this dinner, he fell so in love with her that he followed her to Montana and threw his lot in with her.

I think the query letter has too much information, really. These questions are probably non-issues in the story but they're red flags here.


Anonymous said...NO matter how good the query letter is, will any agent want to pursue a relationship with a certified witch? Seems like a risky proposition, real or not.


Sarah Laurenson said...Ah, but think of the publicity possibilities. A real witch writing witch romances. And the book burning fanatics will generate lots of free publicity. It's a gold mine in the making.

I think there are too many details that don't connect logically here (as has been said). I get a feel for your voice, but perhaps not enough. Lots of good possibilities with this story. Paranormal romance is hot right now.

Good luck!

And EE, thanks for the morning laugh. This is a good one!


Moth said...I think if you're going to mention your Wiccan creds you should relate that to the story itself more. Why does being a practising Pagan make this book about witches more original and compelling than every other book written by a non-pagan about witches out in the market right now? (Let us know when you get sick of the questions. We are evil minions, after all).

Query notes:
EE's right. Your opening hook is not hook-y, it's synopsis-y (i just made that up) What I mean is, there's no grab to the opening lines.

"74,000+ word" You could just say 75K word. No need to get TOO specific with word count.

"is a stand-alone book, it is intended as the first in a series and the second book is already underway" It's good you've already started your next project while you're querying. It's bad that you're writing the next in a series. What if you don't sell Book One? Then Book Two gets to sit in a trunk for forever. Is Book Two as stand alone as Book One? Yes. Ok fine. If not, then I strongly suggest moving onto another stand-alone manuscript.

Can anyone explain to me why having all those millions inherently makes someone "eccentric"? This sounds very cliche. I don't know how this comes off in the book obviously, but maybe find a more unique way of describing your bad guy for the query.

"Or Else"? Can we get some specifics here? Boiled in acid? Flayed alive? Forced to watch a marathon of The Simple Life for a week straight?

The multiple question thing...can you try and create suspense and tension in this letter without it? Even turning questions into statements might make it stronger.

I think this query is, overall, too generic. Its the specifics that make your book interesting in a query. From this query there doesn't seem to be too much fresh or new in this book. I'm sure there is in your book, so show us that stuff if you can.


writtenwyrdd said...Author, I'd leave your pagan creds out. They don't add to your validity, IMO. It's great writing that does that.

Sounds like a great basis for a story, but the letter is pretty tangled at this point. Basically, ditto what everyone else has said.


Dave F. said...I like this. I don't know why y'all are kvetching about the author being a Wiccan. The witches might be more like real women than the images of MacBeth's trio, harpies or bitchy drag queens. (no offense to drag queens in general, just the bitchy ones).
Diedre, best-selling author and first-class witch, has had a lifelong crush on George Clooney and her millionaire buddy has just the date she would love - a week with George on his isolated ranch if, and only if, Diedre opens Pandora's Box.

Now, I know that you won't use Pandora's Box to describe whatever the Star Stone is contained in, nor will you call it a Cryptex or even put a rose on it. But I chose this way to open the query because it solves the "how did they get together" problem. It's basically Hot-to-trot witch gets to meet Hunky StudMuffin Dreamboat, object - - {blush}. And all of this is thanks to the Millionaire Buddy.

I suspect the Millionaire buddy knows that the star stone is powerful and wants to use it but is himself incapable of opening the box. Well, none of these people are virgins, so that eliminates one avenue of plot twists.

When the magic contained within the box rejects Billionaire Stewie for being a Stewie and merges with Diedre, hollywood Hunk George must turn into John McLean and pull off the rescue of his screen life in real life or watch his blind date turn into a fire-breathing monster capable of destroying the world.

Gee, that's not quite your plot but it's entertaining. I'm sure your real plot elements are that entertaining.

Your tone is great and you have the pieces of a good query. The story sounds like fun and romantic. Just make the fun and romance come across in the query. If this is a hot sexy romance with "boomphing" then give the query a little "boomph" (sexy wink and nod).

Some practical advice: It's Llewellyn Worldwide because it took me a few minutes to find them. They don't list the anthology yet. Shame on them. The two non-fiction books show that you understand editorial processes in the fiction world. I wouldn't fuss about a weekly column unless you are going to use it as a platform to sell the book. That might be good for a few hundred to a thousand copies. There are other minions who could speak with more authority than I can about that subject.


Nancy Beck said...Okay, the first sentence is a doozy. I can understand the one sentence thing if you're having problems describing your story, but the idea is to expand it from there. :-) So, yes, I'd agree with EE that splitting it up into 2 sentences is fine.

The treasure her magic reveals, the otherworldly Star Stone, ends up inside her instead of in the hands of its intended owner.

This had me confused; it's fused onto her hand, right? So it wouldn't be inside her. Just a simple change will do away with the confusion, methinks. :-)

EE has a point as to those questions in the 4th para: Made my eyes glaze a bit. Is there some other way you can rephrase all that, or maybe eliminate one or two elements outright? (I know that's easier said than done.)

I think the non-fic stuff in the last para are fine; not sure if being a practicing Wiccan is that important to a fiction agent/publisher. To me, having the non-fic items shows that you have the ability to sell (I know; it's not fiction, but I still think it's okay to leave that in there).

Your profession? Not sure if that's really necessary. I mean, if it's a more technical thing - like you're trying to sell a medical thriller and you're a doctor - that would be an important credential, because you'd have to sound like you knew the medical terms your characters were bantering around in the story.


Deborah B said...Okay--you should all start practicing saying "ribbet" right now.Just kidding. (Except you, EE. I'll be happy to teach you how...all I need are a few simple bribes. Some chocolate and an agent ought to just about do it.)

Thanks for all the interesting and useful feedback. I'll try and answer as many of the questions as I can (as long as I don't ask more than four in a row.)

EE--Thanks for the suggestions on changing that (really long) first sentence. I will rework this. Interestingly enough, I have had a pretty good response to the query letter so far--out of 12 submissions, 5 requests for partials. So it must be appealing to someone. And apparently the Witch thing only scares your readers, not agents:) I guess after dealing with writers and editors, Witches just aren't all that scary. And my protagonist is actually pumpernickle, but it's not polite to say so.

The actor stays because he is worried about Deirdre. (He's a chivalrous guy that way. Besides, he's on break from filming and she's hot.) They are not actually hostages, although at one point Deirdre is subtly threatened. It is just obvious to them that if they try to leave, it will probably not be allowed.

Yes, he's used hack saws, chisels and severe scolding. Nothing has worked. And there's a book that says he has to use magic.

There are sane agents?

And it's not like I'm any good at being a Witch...I'm still practicing, after all.

as for why the Witch needs help meeting her dream guy, we (Witches, that is) are not allowed to do anything that interferes with free will, so she couldn't do a spell to "fetch him." And the movie star doesn't need anyone to set him up on a date; the billionaire persuades him to meet this woman (in NYC, actually, where he already happens to be, not Montana) by offering a large donation to his favorite charity. As for convenience...have you ever read a romance? Or been in love, for that matter?

In answer to anon's question about would anyone want to work with a Witch: Wicca is a recognized religion, and the fastest growing religion in the US and Canada.(Most of you probably already work with a Witch--you just might not know it.) I think that most folks won't worry about that. And having a witch book written by an actual witch might be a good thing.

Moth: secrecy used to be the norm, but not anymore. And even then, it was more a matter of self-protection than anything else. Since I am firmly out of the broom closet, I don't have to worry about that (except here, maybe). These days pagans are trying to spread understanding about who and what they are, so more and more of us are standing out in the open. And ducking fast when necessary.Of course, in theory, we're not supposed to go around telling all our secret ways to non-Witches. I could tell you why, but then I'd have to kill you.

As to it maybe being bad that I am writing the second one in the series--I have read that agents/editors etc. are big on series at the moment, and want to know if you have one in the works.

Or else? Well, or else he will kill her to get the stone back. But that makes him sound so mean...


nancy beck: thanks--the fused/inside phrasing has been a question all along. Clearly I need to revisit it, as well as the many questions. "Witch" isn't actually my profession, if that's what you meant. I'm an author/artists' cooperative manager/jewelry maker/a bunch of other things. But that seems a bit long.

Thanks all for the comments (and the occasional laugh). Keep up the bad work!


talpianna said...My main problem is that it seems to me that your basic Ruthless Billionaire would probably just drug her and have her hand amputated.

The successful stories about witches these days seem to be paranormals, set in a somewhat altered world where magic and/or supernatural beings like vampires and weredingos are real, if not the norm. Your story might work better if you did something like this, with more supernatural antagonists instead of just the Ruthless B.? Perhaps a magical guardian of the Star Stone wants to set it free? Or Ruthless B. is a Left Hand Path type and wants to sacrifice her in some way in order to warp the Stone to his evil designs? Or Rob turns out to have powers himself he didn't know about: he's a medium, or a telepath, or a weredingo? And you need to work out some sort of rules as to how the magic works, whether they are straight Wicca or not.


deborah b said...Tipianna, Actually, he tries both and they don't work, because of the power of the Star Stone. But good thinking! And some of the "guardian" element does enter the story towards the end (good not bad, though). Things get much more supernatural in book 2, by the way. But you're pretty on target!

New Beginning 970

My bottle popped open. I whooshed up, like there was a rocket strapped to my back, and burst into a sparkling blue-sky day. I laughed and somersaulted through the air. A zingy breeze always makes me want to dance and sing.

Below, a smelly fisherman, ankle-deep in flip-flopping fish stared up at me. He clutched my bottle in one hand, and a mass of fishing net in the other. I guess he’d hauled my bottle out of the ocean.

“I am genie Zinnia. I will grant you three wishes, master.”

His jaw hung open. It looked like he had a row of crooked old-fence posts growing out of his gums. “Take your time and choose carefully.” I dived and corkscrewed around the mast of his boat. The breeze whipped my hair. The longer he took deciding meant more freedom for me. Once the wishes were granted, the spell would suck me right back into my dusty bottle.

A flounder struggled free of the net. "Master," it said, "I am a magical fish. Use your three wishes to spare me and my two brothers, and I will grant you not three wishes, but four! Four wishes!"

The fisherman rubbed the stubble on his chin. There seemed to be no downside. He ordered Zinnia to put the magic flounder and his two brothers back in the ocean. 

A deal's a deal. Into the water the three fish went, and a crestfallen Zinnia was sucked back into her bottle.

And to this very day the fisherman can oft be heard on the deck of his trawler calling out his wishes, refusing to acknowledge that he was flimflammed by a flounder.


Opening: JAS.....Continuation: Anon.

New Beginning 969

Edward Krenshaw leaned against the pump handle and scanned the western horizon as the sun set. He looked at his wristwatch and sighed. The search party was overdue and so were the library’s audio books.

“Say there, Dad, help me pump water for supper?” Frederick walked from the back door toward the well. His crisp plaid shirt and creased khaki trousers gave the appearance of a city dweller trying to look country.

“No. I can’t because you’ve just gone beyond the pale.”

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to offend but I need help. Burned my hand yesterday and it’s all bandaged up.” Frederick lifted his arm to show his father.

“Huh?--Oh, I ain’t upset.” Edward spat in the dirt. “But you walked right past the pail. It’s on the back steps.”

“Okay, I’ll fetch it. Thought I'd insulted you or something.”

Frederick put the bucket under the facet. “Think they’ll find one?”

A soft cold breeze blew Edward’s white hair against the part. “If there’s a zombie out there, they’ll find it.”

“Zombie?” Frederick looked shocked. “Thought they wanted a Zamboni for the ice rink.”

“Yeah? That makes more sense. My hearing’s gone all to hell since the explosion.”

* * *

Deke Metzler wiped the sweat from his forehead and sighed. The light was almost gone. He was about to give up and signal the search party to return home when he saw it -- little more than a dot on the horizon. But he knew instantly. A Zamboni! Maybe the hockey game could go ahead after all.

"Excuse me."

Deke turned in the direction of the voice. "Huh?" he said to the short, stocky man in a suit.

"My name is Irwin W. Marshall. I represent Frank J. Zamboni & Co., Inc., who own the trademark Zamboni, registered with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. I must inform you that the frequent and inappropriate uses of the term Zamboni throughout this blog infringe upon my client's rights, and you must cease and desist forthwith."

And this is why you will never hear the story of the Zamboni Apocalypse.


Opening: Mister Furkles.....Continuation: anon.

New Beginning 968

When the world came to, it came, not to its senses, but to its madness. Those who were left alive learned what their needs were—these of course, were the same as they ever had been, as the nature of the ones left behind was no different from the nature of the ones who had gone on—and from one’s nature come one’s needs. They learned what their true needs were, which was almost as important as learning how to get them met.
 
Air, of course, then water, then food. Those who were left alive were at the mercy of place, and some lingered long enough to learn how to get their needs met in the place where they were; others did not, and died. Still others began to travel the broken roads, to band together, to beat back or be beaten back, to become victims or victors. Eventually, life resumed its potent, inviolable rhythm. And eventually, the things that had been left behind began to become normal.

The crone’s name was Senga. That’s what everyone called her, anyway. She was not quite the eldest of their group, but if she wasn’t, no one knew anyone older.
 
Senga knew what life had been like in the old days, the days before the days of now and the days before the days of before the days of now and even the days before the days of before the days of before the days of now. She could teach us how to function again. We could emerge, blinking, into the light. Society could regain its structure.

Our future depended on Senga's memories, and on only one other thing: that she could finish imparting these memories before we could no longer resist eating her.


Opening: Helen O'Reilly.....Continuation: anon.