Evil Editor's Blog, page 163

Feedback Request

A new version of the query featured in Face-Lift 1058 is now in the comments there, awaiting your reaction.

Face-Lift 1061

Guess the Plot
The Waking Mountain

1. Returning from a tour in Afghanistan, John Pratt discovers that his Appalachian home has been overrun by Yankee backpackers. Can he shame his kinfolk into spurning the tourist dollar, and reawaken them to the way of the mountain? 
2. Volcanologist Dr. Autumn Brown is doing a survey on Mt. Ranier when she discovers the horrible truth: a catastrophic eruption is only days away. Can she alert Seattle and Tacoma so they can be evacuated without mass panic, or will those idiot hackers broadcast the information first, killing thousands in the ensuing panic?
3. Chronic sleep-in Matt is always late for school. His parents have tried nearly everything: loud alarm clock, rooster chorus, baby Mary shouting in his ear... nothing works. Their last resort is hiring the services of The Waking Mountain. Will its thunderous bellows help Matt's attendance records? 
4. Swept away by strong currents, Querrl is finally rescued by soldiers. She is raised in her new home, but eventually longs to go home. However, a nearby volcano is about to erupt. Even if she knew how to swim, which she doesn't, swimming through molten lava probably wouldn't be a good idea.

5. Unaware she is the daughter of Vulcan and Venus, failing geology student Latasha Minsk hopes to redeem herself on the class field trip to Mt. St. Helens, but once again, her interest in pillow lava is totally eclipsed by the abs of hunky Joe Mars. They sneak off to make out on the flanks of the volcano and eruptions ensue. 
6. In 1995, soon after marrying 700 pound chess champ Wayne Forbush, Linda took up hypnotism and tried it on Wayne. He kept snoring in a trance and didn't wake up for 23 years. Now he calls himself The Mountain, and thinks he's a superhero who smites Martians, but there aren't any -- until a giant spaceship lands behind the shed!

7. Volcanologist Clair Wentworth visits her friend Jim Urban, who runs the seismographic station on Saba, a volcanic island in the Lesser Antilles. After her arrival, the island is hit with a 6.9 earthquake that destroys the runway. The next morning, the dormant volcano begins to smoke. With no ships in the harbor, a thousand people are at the mercy of nature, and it's up to Jim and Clair to save them.

Original Version
Dear Evil Editor,
Querrl is a girl that can't swim, judged useless by a people that raise their infants underwater. [If I'm an infant and they want to raise me underwater, swimming is the least of my concerns. Breathing is gonna top the list.] She thinks she has it bad. But when she ventures away from home to be fostered, [Not clear to me what that means. She's looking for a foster family on her own? Her own family doesn't want her? How old is she?] an accident sweeps her downstream to a distant civilization. [Actually, it's probably the current that sweeps her downstream.]
When the soldiers drag her from the river, she is mistaken for a drudge, the sterile caste, and lumped in with a group of Ehillen war orphans. [In an orphanage? Gulag? Prison?] Querrl grows to adulthood under the thumb of the conquering Julagnan.[I think I'm safe in saying that if you want anyone to read beyond this point, you need to remove the words Ehillen and Julagnan from the query.] She learns of things her own culture never invented: writing, math,[daycare,] engineering, and powerful guns able to kill at a distance.
Querrl wants to return home, but there is no shortcut past the war between the Julagnan and Ehillen. The Julagnan military offers her an education, so she enlists. But she never forgets that only the Ehillen stand between the Julagnan and her homeland, [Geographically? Militarily? Metaphorically?] or that if Querrl's true caste is found out, her dreams of bringing engineering back to her people will never be realized. [If she can bring them the plans to build a submarine, they won't think she's useless just because she can't swim.] [By the way, did anyone ever try teaching her to swim?] Females are the rarest of the three castes, and the Julagnan imprison all they find. [Are you saying they can't tell she's a female?] [If all the females are in prison, I'll bet there's a waiting list for the job of prison guard.]
Worse, an ancient volcano that once nearly exterminated both the Ehillen and Julagnan may be about to return. [Return? You mean erupt. And change "may be" to "is." If you name your book The Waking Mountain, and it sleeps through the whole book, you're gonna have a lot of pissed-off readers.] Querrl must find a way back to her family, conceal her true caste until then, and decide whose side she is on without getting herself killed or compromising her principles. [What are these principles she won't compromise?]
"The Waking Mountain" is a work of science fiction complete at 110,000 words. [Science fiction? Do space aliens emerge from the volcano?]
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,

Notes

Were you writing your query when you came up with the name Querrl?

There's too much unnecessary information. Here's what we need:

Six-year-old Querrl, playing by the river, falls in and is swept away. Eventually she's pulled from the water by Julagnan soldiers and sent to a Junior Julag with other war orphans. There she is raised and taught about things her own culture never invented: writing, math, engineering...

As Querrl grows to adulthood she yearns to return to her home with her new-found knowledge. But travel is dangerous, not only because the Julagnans are at war, but because an ancient volcano that once nearly exterminated the Julagnans shows signs of an imminent eruption.


Now you have room for a paragraph about what happens when Q works up the courage to make her move.

Face-Lift 1060

Guess the Plot
Mark of the Phoenix
1. In the year 2013, illegal immigrant Jose Calderon's pregnant wife is captured by the Arizona border patrol and branded with the mark of the phoenix, a one way ticket to the SS-style concentration camps in Phoenix, AZ. Can Jose save the day using his world-class parkour skills?

2. As a publicity gimmick for his tropical resort, "The Phoenix," Jacob Watah gives arriving guests a wash-off tattoo of an image he bought from a hag in the old marketplace. Soon, everyone discovers the tattoos won’t wash off and they’ve become minions to the evil god Ramon!
3. Jimmy’s buddies get him drunk on his twenty-first birthday then take him to an all-night tattoo parlor. He wakes up with a fire bird on his chest. Two dwarves and an elf point at his tattoo and tell him he is chosen to save Mystic Earth from the space dragons. If he won’t serve, they’ll kill him so another may take his place.
4. Sam Weber was nicknamed "The Phoenix" because he was constantly re-inventing himself. He was also the most successful grifter on the circuit. He meets his match in rich, beautiful Melinda Crowder, aka "The Ball-Crusher", who's none too pleased to discover she's become his next mark.
5. Merit, one of Ramses II's many daughters, carries a secret: a strange birthmark on her side. Priests, magicians, and even Pharaoh himself debate: is she simply a little girl, or the Phoenix reborn?
6. When she was five Bree was marked by a phoenix, so she's supposedly destined for greatness. But now she's seventeen and still hasn't done dick. When her sister is abducted, the kidnappers demand the long lost Celestial Crown. Can Bree find the Crown and ransom her sister, thus fulfilling her destiny?


Original Version
Dear Evil Editor,
Seventeen-year-old Bree is special, in all the wrong ways. She's the daughter of the king of the fae, but because she's half human she can't survive living in the fae realm. When she was five she was marked by a phoenix, [In the human world?] showing [Portending? Heralding?] that she's meant [destined?] for something great [Greatness.] [That's as specific as the mark of the phoenix gets? Sometime before you die you will do something that someone somewhere will consider great?], which she doesn't believe for a second.
The only problem is, the fae do believe it. When a group of exiled fae kidnap her sister, Chloe, they tell Bree that Chloe will die unless she finds them the long lost Celestial Crown, the original sign [Emblem? Validation?] of royalty in the fae realm that was [Better to leave out those words so we don't think it was the realm that was forged by the phoenix.] forged by the very phoenix that marked her.
In order to save her sister's life, Bree has to dethrone her own father. [If the kidnappers are exiled fae, how does dethroning the fae king save Chloe?] [Also, is Chloe the king's daughter?] And Bree will do anything to save Chloe.
THE MARK OF THE PHOENIX is my YA fantasy novel, complete at 75,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Sincerely,


Notes

I would just start with the fact that she was marked by a phoenix, destining her for a totally vague form of greatness. The fact that she can't live in the fae realm just leads to questions. For instance...

I don't see how a teenaged girl who can't live in the fae realm can dethrone the king who is in the fae realm. Does she have an army she can send to do the job? Wouldn't it be easier to send an assassin to kill the king?

Being marked by a phoenix may mean you'll do something significant someday, but does it mean you can find the Celestial Crown? Is everyone that particular phoenix has marked capable of finding the Celestial Crown? Because if the Celestial Crown happens to be in the fae realm, you would want the person you blackmail into finding it to be someone who can survive in the fae realm.

Why do these exiled fae want the Crown? If they want to dethrone the king, it seems they'd be thrilled to have Bree do the job for them, even if she doesn't find the Crown.

If I'm one of these exiled fae and my buddy says, Maybe the great something Bree is destined to do is find the Celestial Crown and give it to us so we can take over the fae realm, I might reply, Yes, and maybe the great something she's destined to do is give us the Crown, take back Chloe, kill us all, and take back the Crown.

Face-Lift 1059

Guess the Plot
Blood Stemma
1. When a strange ahnentafel drawn in blood connects the Principality of Monaco to the culture that built the Huachimontones site, genetic investigator Kirk Trader is called in. Can he unearth the truth or will he be buried under extreme, uncalled-for cliffhangers?
  2. The chaos in Africa has driven people into the bush, where starving refugees have inadvertently contracted a new, blood-borne pathogen. Now it's infected UN workers, and is killing its way through hospitals. Can Dr Mylie Serontis develop a vaccine in time to save the human race from annihilation?
3. Penelope Featherham, Manhattan's top genealogist, is locking up late when a tall stranger slips into the office. He has hypnotic eyes and a seductive voice. He wants to hire her for $50,000/month -- Penelope likes that. She'll have to do a lot of flying -- she doesn’t mind. It involves working nights -- she says life is short. He says sometimes it’s long. Will Penelope end history’s oldest bloodline or will she get an extension?4. After siring four new vampires for Lorenzo, Kaia is entitled to her freedom. At least that's what the Hematophagy Council says. But Lorenzo won't release her unless she comes up with millions of dollars in tribute. If you can't trust a 1000-year-old vampire, who can you trust?

5. Genealogy isn't exactly in Martin Cruz's blood, but when Mrs. Starling assigns all the third graders to plot out their family tree, Martin gets the surprise of his young life - he's the product of a long line of blood-sucking aliens. Also, a tether-ball competition.
6. Buzzer is the queen flea of the growing population of Spot. When a strange illness comes over the swarm and fleas start bleeding off one eye (stemma), Buzzer must flee to a new host before she catches the wretched disease.



Original Version
Your evilness,
I’m querying you first because, as the rest of your faithful minions, I seem to possess latent masochistic tendencies. Also, I want to know if getting published is just another deranged idea of mine and I’d have better opportunities at [be better off] cooking meth for a living. [That's like asking if a burger flipper would be better off as CEO of a multinational banking conglomerate. Stephen King would do better cooking meth.]
Kaia Senet had her life set: she ran a successful business, her life was surrounded by luxury, and she had her community's high regard (the human one, at least). But after siring four new vampires [Whoa, we've skipped a step. Jane Doe doesn't just sire four vampires. Is she a vampire? How did that happen?] while still will-bound to the possessive, tyrannic, passive-aggressive, thousand year old Lorenzo; her uneventful years came to an end. [I would think her uneventful years ended the moment she became will-bound to Lorenzo.] [Also, hyphenate "thousand-year-old," change the semicolon to a comma, and shorten that list of adjectives. I'd go with "possessive, tyrannical," but then I haven't met the guy.]
Once she learns that as a sire she’s entitled to be released of Enzo's will, Kaia takes the matter to the Hematophagy Council. After his citation, the old vampire demands Tribute in exchange: she must pay him a bonus of a million dollars per head [Per head? What does that mean? Head of what?] in a year’s time or he will progressively kill her Lover, Twin and Pupils [Why are we capitalizing these words? Wait, is "Twin and Pupils" her lover's name?] as he had intended to do all along. [She's entitled to her release. I would be heading back to the Hematophagy Council to lodge a complaint so fast . . . ] No progeny, no sire, no Release right. [What does that mean?]
With their lives on the line Kaia, Ludo, Shaw, Rick and Boyd[Are those Kaia's progeny or her Lover, Twin and Pupils? If the latter, are they vampires?] dismiss no idea as too wild. Illegal racing, fighting, and blood trading are all on the table; [I'll trade you two units of type O for that unit of AB negative.] and stealing blood isn’t the worst thing they’ll do to survive. [It's illegal for vampires to race?]
Blood Stemma is a character[hyphen]oriented 100K[hyphen]word supernatural fiction novel [Your novel isn't supernatural; your characters are. Also, all novels are fiction, and even if they weren't, the ones with vampires would be, so no need to say this is fiction.] set in an alternate universe where humans and vampires have coexisted for centuries. [Humans and vampires have coexisted for centuries (in fiction) in our universe. Why do you need a different universe?] The novel is packed with action, drama and blood-lust. It will appeal to fans of ‘true’, burning-under-sunlight vampires as well as fans of modern[hyphen]day vampire TV series. Blood Stemma is a standalone book with strong potential for a series; it's also my first novel, waiting to be queried around.
Thanking you for your time and praising your wickedness,


Notes

This is the setup. What's the story? It should be the story of what Kaia and company do to destroy Lorenzo and win their freedom/lives. But it sounds more like the story of what they do to come up with millions of dollars.

It shouldn't be that difficult for vampires to come up with millions of dollars. Armored truck drivers don't usually carry wooden stakes. Even if you don't want to steal the money, people would pay good money to watch you change into a bat. NBC would gladly build a reality TV show around a group of vampires living under one roof.

For that matter, if Lorenzo wants millions of dollars, he should have no trouble getting it. He's a thousand years old; if he's invested wisely, he should be a billionaire by now. I would expect Lorenzo to demand something more interesting than cash.

I'm guessing most people aren't familiar with the word "stemma" and those who say they are think we'll be impressed with their knowledge when actually we think they're liars. My guess is there's no stemma in the book, and you're better off with a title like Blood Relatives or Vampires!

Who are the Twin, Lover and Pupils? Are they from her life before she met Lorenzo? She ran a business; why would she have pupils?

Face-Lift 1058

Guess the Plot
A Braver Thing
1. At an all-boys boarding school, Tristan and Malcolm fall in love. Problem: Malcolm is the Prince of Wales, and his father dies, making Malcolm king of England. Malcolm thinks he should keep their relationship secret, but Tristan thinks it would be braver to become the first openly gay monarch. How long till Tristan mysteriously disappears?

2. When Mark Mandover's agent tells him he needs to do something 'risky' and 'brave' to "toughen his image", he takes action. Five states, a dozen crashed cars, and three broken bones later, he's still trying to figure it out. Also, a 50-something female hostage--with a gun.

3. Jenny Braver’s fourteen-year-old sister Becky got into drugs. She dropped out of school and started turning tricks. One morning, police find Becky’s body in an alley; her pimp strangled her. Jenny gets into the life. She doesn’t do drugs; she murders pimps. It’s Jenny’s Braver thing.

4. Forsithia must decide whether to bow before the alien invasion, or do 'a braver thing' and sacrifice herself so that the ultimate weapon can be forged from her DNA.

5. Things, as everyone in Stuffland knows, are wimpy. They're not like Elements, strong and unpredictable. They're not like Matters, adaptable and changeable. All Things are cowards... except for Bruce Thing. After decades of puny scaredy behaviour, a brain operation turns Bruce into some other thing. A Braver Thing.

6. Skyler is not a girl. Not a boy either. Fact is, Skyler is just some... thing. Join it as it fights bullying in grade, middle and high school, learning that any thing can be brave.



Original Version
Dear Most Evilest of Editors,Seventeen-year-old Tristan Tennant didn’t expect to fall in love at all-boys boarding school -- especially not with the Prince of Wales. A lifelong royal history geek, Tristan knows that no matter how badly he wants to shout his love for Prince Malcolm from the library rooftop, the relationship must remain a secret. [There are no secrets at an all-boys boarding school.] It’s hard, sure, but the romantic weekends at Buckingham Palace are totally worth it.  But after the sudden death of his father, Malcolm is no longer just the heir to the throne. He’s king. [And everyone at his boarding school mysteriously disappears.]The only option Malcolm can see for their future is a top-secret affair while he takes a queen. [Actually, he's already taken a queen. Ba dum ching.] Tristan has a crazier idea -- Malcolm should become the first openly gay monarch. It sounds gorgeous to Malcolm, but it means turning his back on centuries of tradition [Does that mean that being straight is a tradition, or that it's traditional for the king to hide his gayness?] [In any case, the term "openly gay" is fairly recent. There've been monarchs who were known during their reigns to be homosexual. Not that there's anything wrong with that.] and risking anything from tabloid scandal to assassination. [The king is gay! Long live the-- BANG!] Tristan knows Malcolm has the power to smash the status quo. He just has to show him that rules are only rules until they’re broken. [In my experience, when you break rules you get punished, and the rules are still rules. For instance, try submitting your query in 
font and see how that goes.]
 A BRAVER THING is a 60,000-word contemporary YA novel.


Notes

This is well-written. It's mostly setup, however. Here's the situation my main characters find themselves in, read my book to find out how they handle it. If you condense a bit you'll have room to tell us what they decide, who the villain is who tries to butt in, what they plan to do about it. The story.

It feels weird to call it contemporary when we all know the secretly gay Prince of Wales isn't a teenager named Malcolm. That's probably just me, but if it feels weird to others, maybe it should be set in the future (or in the recent past and labeled alternate history).

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Wind Weaver

1. A bashful seamstress eats one too many helpings of bean-kabob at lunch. When she returns to her loom on the factory floor, flatulent hilarity ensues! Also, a farting dragon!

2. Bubba Herman and five of his buddies have been booted from the varsity football team for too much partying. But will the school principal let them on the field at half-time during the big game to demonstrate their precision farting routine?

3. A sentient pirate ship named Wind Weaver sails through enemy territory, desperately searching for a new captain.

4. A shocking exposé of the appalling conditions in the textile mill where the fabric for the emperor's new clothes is manufactured, narrated by a seven-year-old thread-cutting gnome named Smick.

5. Colonel Huffelrump's insatiable appetite for spicy curry has led to digestive problems, but it's his daughter, Lady Martita Gasbag, who is found in poisoned gastric distress. Before expiring, she leaves a cryptic clue. The air is thick with suspicion and it is up to nosy spinster Amelia Pettipants to sniff out the culprit.

6. The new boutique in town, Zephyrus, has made a big hit with clothes that are lighter than air. But when her best friend is blown off a cliff by her new skirt, Ariadne sets out to find the source of the fabric--and discovers a secret that will rock the climatology community to its core.



Original Version

Dear Mr Evil,

Wind Weaver is a Fantasy novel, complete at 120,000 words.

Sentient pirate ship Wind Weaver delights in chasing down her prey, but when Captain Grace Hallery dies, the Weaver must run a different race -- to find Grace's only surviving son before the ship fades and dies. [Wind Weaver is a decent name for a ship, but The Weaver isn't so impressive. I doubt the crews of the Golden Hind and the Titanic referred to their ships as the hind and the tit.]


A sentient ship fades within weeks of losing its captain, and only a close blood relative will serve as a replacement. The Weaver must risk a voyage through enemy territory [Isn't everywhere enemy territory when you're a pirate ship?] to find the baby abandoned fifteen years before. Nobody on board knows his name, or what happened to him, yet the Weaver [I think Wind Weaver's nickname should be Airloom.] is adamant they will be reunited. [So, your main character is . . . a boat? After it figures out where the kid is, does it send a sentient rickshaw to pick him up and bring him down to the docks?]

Nate is a fifteen year old servant boy on the run. Caught between smugglers out to kill him, and an elfman who might eat him and whose round-eyed mate claims his ship talks, Nate chooses the less immediate threat. [Less immediate because the elfman marinates you overnight before killing you.]

Which is how Nate finds himself captain of an opinionated pirate ship, [I see the ship as a combination of Foghorn Leghorn and Krusty the Clown: "Swab, Ah say swab mah decks, boys, and someone get these barnacles off my aft, they're killing me."] manned by a crew that doesn't care for him. Satyrical first mate Henry resents a boy usurping the command that should be his. When an accident strands Nate onshore, his beloved Weaver is forced up the coast, and beached. ["Get, Ah say get me off this reef before Ah get tubeworms! Hellooo? Have any of you schmucks ever even heard of biofouling? Oy, it's the crew from hell."] Separated from her captain, she will soon fade, and Henry can claim her wooden carcass for his own. [Not clear what "fades" means. Becomes transparent? Vanishes? What does the carcass consist of? Does Henry know there'll be nothing left but a carcass if he takes over?] Those still faithful to the Weaver need to reunite her with Nate before she dies. [Ah, Ah say, Ah'm fading. Where's that shmegegi of an elfman with my new captain? You can't get good help nowadays, even when you threaten to keelhaul 'em."] Then all Nate has to do is confront the man he fears most, and win over the ship and the rest of her crew.

I am a editor [Me am editor two.] and slush reader for ---------- Magazine, and I've had a couple of short stories published in science fiction and fantasy magazines. In writing Wind Weaver, I have drawn on some of the experience I've gained while crewing on the [sentient] brig ---------.

Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,


Notes

I suspect those who can accept a talking pirate ship will want to check it out. Though it seems a bit long for a book about a talking pirate ship.



Selected Comments

Anonymous said...By golly, I had no idea which was the real plot until I looked. I don't really get this story at all, and I don't think the query is as clear as Evil says it is. I was pretty confused about the talking boat, Nate, etc.


nitpicker said...I too thought the query was confusing and contained too much detail. Also, not sure what you mean by satyrical -- does he bear the physical characteristics of a satyr? Or is he just licentious?

December Quinn said...I don't get it--if the ship fades away, and only the blood relative of the captain can keep it from doing so, how can the first mate take it over? Even the skeleton? Why doesn't he just build his own ship and power it with his own energy or whatever?

pjd said...I wasn't confused at all, except for the bit about a talking, thinking ship that needs a crew to sail it. How does such a boat come into being? Is it born as a rowboat and grows into a ship? OK, I'll ignore that line of questioning for now, though I would like to know what good a sentient ship is if it can't sail itself.

It seemed pretty clear to me on first reading that the captain of the ship has died, and if a blood relative isn't found, the spirit in the ship will "die" leaving behind a regular old non-sentient boat. It's a quest adventure type story, with two main characters (the boy and the boat) converging for an assumed happily ever after.

My problem is that I have a really, really hard time caring. I don't relate to sentient boats. I get that the boat doesn't want to "fade," but why should any of the people in the story care whether it does or doesn't, beyond who gets to sail it? And if it becomes a non-sentient "carcass" (regular boat, I'm guessing), and you can still sail it, well... um...

I'm not sure I see any reason for the 15-year-old to have any particular attachment to the boat. He was abandoned at birth. Where was the boat when that happened? Didn't it stick up for the baby? Or did it just want to chase down its prey and forget the baby?

When and how does the "opinionated pirate ship" become Nate's "beloved Weaver"? The last part about "those faithful to the Weaver" implies that the ship does have a compelling character, one that men will follow like a captain. But it's unclear to me why Nate would have to win over the ship and the crew if the ship and the crew are dead-set on reuniting them to begin with.

Finally, what about those NOT faithful to the Weaver? Why doesn't one of them just kill Nate? They're pirates, after all! In fact, I don't really understand why Henry doesn't just bump Nate off when they first meet. The ship dies, and Henry gets the carcass, and the crew gets to continue to be pirates. Problem solved.

All in all, I guess I can see that it could hang together with strong characters, but generally it seems like a contrived plot with a lot of holes. I'd like to get a sense of the characters in the query.


kiss-me-at-the-gate said...Pirate Captian Grace Hallery immediately brings to mind real-life pirate captian Grace O'Malley. While it's not a bad thing to make me think of, it's so close you might want to change it just so it doesn't seem like you're copying wholesale.

The idea of the sentient ship made me think of Robin Hobb's Liveship trilogy... but the connection there is more tenuous, so you're probably all right.

It sounded pretty interesting, although I'd agree with the first anonymous and nitpicker that it was a bit confusing.


GutterBall said...Maybe this is just because I'm a closet pirate-aholic, but ships don't need to be sentient to be compelling characters in a story. If it's written well, and if love for the sea is built into a story, and if the captain and/or crew is fascinating enough, a ship takes on a life and worth of its own without being sentient. Heck, captains/crew tend to talk about their ships as if they were sentient anyway. It's a romance of the sea and the bark that carries them across it.

I mean, to me, the Black Pearl is just as much a character of the PotC movies as Captain Jack Sparrow, and it's not sentient at all. And that's just the most recent ship-oriented movie I've seen. Most are like that.

But hey, I haven't read any of your story, so the opinionated ship might well be fabulous. It just sounds like you might be better off focusing on Nate as a main character instead of the WW for query purposes.


kis said...Picture Hal from 2001 with a bit more zing, on a wooden ship with elves. I can dig it. And the idea of a sentient ship "fading" isn't that different from when they switch off Hal. After that, it's just a boat, right?

The story sounds neat, and I didn't find the letter confusing. The one thing that had me scratching my head was the genre. Fantasy, sure. But is it YA? Seems to me with a 15-year-old protagonist and the plot elements here, that's the audience that would initially read this. It might develop an adult following, like the Harry Potter books did, but it feels like a YA book. If it is, you need to state that. If it isn't, why not? Is there explicit sex in it or something?


Bethany K. Warner said...Sentient ships. Already read those books. Robin Hobb's Liveship trilogy...


BuffySquirrel said...I love the idea that an idea can only be written about once. Oh, your story has people in it. Sorry, already read that.


dancinghorse said...Robin Hobb didn't invent the idea either. She probably got it from Anne McCaffrey's The Ship Who Sang (which if sentient ships don't float your boat, will give you the galloping bejabbers).


nut said...If the ship could write, oh, the stories it would tell... All those adventures... and parrot poop. I wonder, also, I would love to read whether the pirates get seasick. Seriously, I don't know how you editors do it. I would need a beginning to poke at.


Xenith said...I've had to away overnight and I know this would come up while I was gone.

Less immediate because the elfman marinates you overnight before killing you.

I think I used that joke myself :\

Thank you though! I feel much better about sending it out now


writtenwyrdd said...Well, the idea isn't new, as others have said, but you could make it work. I can think of four different books/series which use the concept, though. The idea of a pirate ship might work, but I don't know if we are talking an Evil Empire mileau (where being on the wrong side of the law is somewhat heroic) or the ship's role is something else. Just being a pirate ship may not be enough, or perhaps I should say it may be too much. The reader needs to empathise with the ship somewhat, at least.

It sounds workable, but you don't give us a plot here, you give us the background. What, exactly, is the plot?


Anonymous said...I think this story sounds appealing, but I do think the sentences in the query are a bit hard to parse. I would try to clean that up and clarify the plot. In other words, prove you can write a nice, clear sentence, since probably your book is also made up of sentences...


shannon said...The difference with both Anne McCaffrey and Robin Hobb to this premise is that they both fleshed the sentient-ship idea out and provided explanation. Hobb in particular made her sentient ships entirely plausible within her world, and the How of their existence was part of the point of the books.

I don't know if this author is able to come up with something truly original to explain it, cause fantasy readers are very discerning for the most part and can see through a plot hole and a flimsy idea straight away.


Anonymous said...Having read The Ship Who Sang (and watched the show Andromeda), I don't have any trouble with sentient ships. However, I do tend to assume you mean a SPACE ship. I know you referred to this as a Fantasy, and many people believe that fiction set in space is by definition sci-fi, but there are fantasy books set in space.

Also, I'm having a lot of trouble with the sentence: "Caught between smugglers out to kill him, and an elfman who might eat him and whose round-eyed mate claims his ship talks, Nate chooses the less immediate threat."

It has too many 'ands'. At first glance it looks like he has three choices. It also contains too much information. 'Elfman' - ok. Tells me this is a fantasy world inhabited by more than just humans. But 'who might eat him'? Elves on the Atkins Diet might be important to the story, but do you have to mention it here? It clutters up the sentence. And what do you mean by 'round-eyed'?

Seems to me the important bit is that Nate is being threatened by smugglers and he meets a loon who thinks his ship talks.

Which brings up another point - is this ship the only sentient one? If not, why does Nate appear to doubt (based on the word 'claims') that the ship talks? And if the ship needed the captain's heir to stay alive, why did the captain abandon her kid?

I'm interested, but also confused.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Prophecy's Birth

1. When a pregnant woman goes into premature labor at a truck stop in Delphi, Georgia, she takes it as a sign. But growing up is hard for her young daughter, Prophecy. Do the other kids really like her, or do they just want to copy off her tests?

2. A blind child is born to a woman with a history of mental illness. The infant speaks, but only the mother can hear her.

3. Sibyl the oracle is bummed. She’s pregnant, and the fetus is contradicting her prophecies. Will expulsion of the baby allow her to regain control of her omphalos?

4. The fate of Ishalia rests in the hands of Princess Laleena's unborn child, but a crazed midwife is holding Laleena captive.

5. Prophecy, a plantation slave girl, claims an immaculate conception to protect her secret lover - the slaver's son.

6. Before the Athenians can learn what the future holds, Aeschedia must endure the unusual pain of passing a prophetic scroll through the birth canal.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

When Princess Laleena of the Ishalian court ran away from her home and the marriage arranged by her ruthlessly ambitious sister, she thought she would be taking control of her life. She never imagined she would be running into the grips of a prophecy that would plant the fate of the island in her womb. [What island? Is Ishalia an island?] The Three, the prophecy giving mistresses of the mountain, explain to the sisters that one of their unborn children will determine whether the island is to plunge into darkness, or ascend to glory. [How do they explain this to Laleena, when she ran away? Is she back already?] [You need a hyphen in "prophecy-giving" if you want that sentence to be a sentence. Although a better fix is to use a word like "sibylline" or "clairvoyant."]


With the weight of the island on her shoulders Laleena separates from Fraser – the sailor she’s fallen in love with. She becomes employed by [Is retained by? Takes a job with?] a sage Embroidery Mistress, and is held captive by a crazed midwife. [Just when Evil Editor was thinking he would never find a mate for the brutal eunuch, a crazed midwife turns up.] [If "Embroidery Mistress" deserves to be capitalized, so, surely, does "Crazed Midwife."] Meanwhile, Fraser is befriended by an innkeeper’s family, and it is alluded that he may be the reincarnation of the legendary First King. [Alluded by whom?] [This paragraph is a list of random events. Stick with the main story line.]

When the royal council presents evidence that High Princess Taryne may be “unfit to rule” she takes matters into her own hands, and plots the death of her father the King, arranging it so her sister, Laleena, is framed for the crime. [Laleena couldn't have done it; she's trapped in the lair of the Crazed Midwife.] [Laleena would be a good name for a cartoon llama.] [In fact, Laleena llama is a great tongue twister--say it five times fast. That's right up there with my favorites, boy goat and ski sash.] [I always have trouble pronouncing llama, because I can never remember which "l" is silent.]

PROPHECY’S BIRTH is a 100,000-word epic fantasy novel, for which we are seeking representation. It is the first book in a series of six Ishalian novels, which will be comprised of two trilogies: [It's a duology of trilogies. Also known as a biology.] the story of Laleena and Taryne, and the story of their prophesied children, Luciana and Donovan. [How did Donovan get in there? It's like naming your characters Ann, Mary, John, and Brihnth'huangue.] [So you're looking for a publisher willing to commit to six novels? Just asking.] We have been writing together for about five years, with the intention of publishing. An SASE has been included for your convenience. Thank you for considering our manuscript.

Sincerely,


Revised Version

Dear Evil Editor,

When Princess Laleena of the island nation Ishalia runs away from home and the marriage arranged by her ruthlessly ambitious sister, Taryne, she thinks she's taking control of her life. But she soon finds herself in the grips of a prophecy that could plant the fate of the island in her womb: the Mistresses of the Mountain foretell that one of the sisters' unborn children will determine the island's future glory--or shame.

When the royal council presents evidence that High Princess Taryne may be “unfit to rule,” she takes matters into her own hands. She plots the death of her father the King, framing Laleena for the crime. Is the island . . . DOOMED?!

With the fate of Ishalia on her shoulders, Laleena isn't sure where to turn. If she returns home she risks imprisonment--or worse. If she remains in exile, her beloved homeland will fall into tyranny and ruin. Only a consultation with Nanee, the soothsaying goat, can set her on the right path.

PROPHECY’S BIRTH is a 100,000-word epic fantasy novel, for which we are seeking representation. It is a stand-alone book with series potential.

We have been writing together for about five years, with the intention of publishing. An SASE has been included for your convenience. Thank you for considering our manuscript.

Sincerely,


Notes

You can take off that sentence that ends "DOOMED," but try to add another sentence in its place. Also, if Nanee doesn't figure into your story, replace her with whatever it is Laleena is planning to do to solve her dilemma.

Also, while my version leaves out the Crazed Midwife, that's only because I have no idea what she does marks her as Crazed. If she's what makes this novel different from other epic fantasies, play that up in the query. If she isn't, either play up what is, or, better yet, rewrite the novel making her the main character.



Selected Comments

Kis said...Soothsaying goat? Heyyy! You stole one of my characters!

Actually, trilogies being much the standard of the fantasy genre, I am not put off by the fact that the authors have several planned. And even if the publisher commits to them, this doesn't necessarily mean books two through six will ever see print.

If the first book can stand alone, I'd say this duo's got a chance (if they don't simply copy and paste EE's revision without deleting that goat line). I have heard, however, that the moment some agents and editors read the word prophecy, their eyes glaze over.

Something about the fact that, if it was prohesied a thousand years before that a hobbit and his trusty gardener were destined to save Middle Earth, who would have bothered to slog through 500 000+ words of Tolkien's often heavy prose?

A prophecy about maybe is likely fine. But you want to leave some uncertainty there.


Suzie said...Thank you EE

Love the service! Are you sure that's all?

To clarify - and I suppose that will be done in the re-writes, the embroidery mistress has no other name.

If you wish to hook up our crazed midwife with the eunich go for it: he name is Marmee, her turn ons include gardening and men willing to commit.

Her turn offs include vagrants and poor house keeping.


Christine said...I've read a lot of novels involving princesses, palace intrigue, and most especially Prophecied Births. If you are contributing something new to epic fantasy, it might be good to emphasize that instead of the plot, which seems pretty standard.

On the other hand, I can't think of many stories with sage Embroidery Mistresses in them. Perhaps a few words about embroidery magic or whatever makes this "Mistress" so special would help this story stand out?


Anonymous said...As a minion and a midwife, I take offense to the "crazed midwife". I know HUNDREDS of midwives and we are all quite sane...well, there is that one homebirth midwife who is a little whacked...okay, a lot whacked.

A crazed midwife can be very very scary. Bwaahaaahaaa!


Novelust said...Why do the girls get named Laleena and Taryne, and the boys are Fraser and Donovan? Let's play the fantasy name game with them, since it's been played with the main girls:

Fraser. Drop the extra 'R' - Faser. Rearrange the letters - Seraf. Double the least common letter - Seraff. Add a pointless H, for seasoning - Sehraff.

Donovan. Drop one of the double letters - Doovan. Rearrange - Nvodoa. Double least common letter - Nvodova. Apostrophe to garnish - N'vodova.

Screw it, Lucianna - remove letter - Luciana - rearrange - Calinua - double letter - Cualinua - add fantasy garnish by needlessly changing the 'I' to a 'Y' - Cualynua.

It's a silly trick, but it keeps people from reading your query, getting to the point where it says 'Fraser,' and immediately thinking about the mountie in Due South (and also how I need to watch that show again, because it was really good...). Either go the 'every name is weird!' route, or don't.


Anonymous said...
Hey EE and Minion, question for you. Sometimes you (we) are pretty brutal but sometimes, like with this query, we put on the kid gloves and don't really make many comments or criticisms. Why do you think that is? Are some less in need of criticism than others? Are some beyond repair?

Just wondering because sometimes a reasonable query/story gets trashed and sometimes a ridiculous plot sails through unscathed...


BuffySquirrel said...Sometimes we're just lost for words...


A Reader said...What kind of serious criticism could I be expected to make?

I'm not a pro--writer or editor--(unless someone wants to give me a job!) so all I can comment on is if it basically sounds fine or not to me. If it does, I personally feel there's no point in saying anything, unless I'm really moved. Whether my uneducated opinion would get a writer any closer to publication is anyone's guess.

I thought the point of submitting here was to get EVIL EDITOR's opinion, not necessarily the peanut gallery's.


Novelust said...To be honest, I think it is a decently-written query. What does put me off is the impression given by the query that this book won't work as a stand-alone story. Don't worry so much about the other characters and the overall series arc - what is the plot of this particular book? Is Laleena trying to flee the whole time, is she successful in her battles with crazed midwifery, do ruthless vigilante sorcerers--sorry, sorry.

I think it might be wise to refocus your query on the plot of this single book, and provide the reader with some sort of resolution. Even if the arc is just beginning, let us know that this book has an ending.


Moon Goddess said...Personally I really liked the sentence that ended in "DOOMED!" -- and really, it is more or less accurate. I'm hoping the fairly limited comments on the actual query mean it's mostly decent?

(And yes, I'm the second author -- Suzie, somewhere above this, is the other)

New Beginning 964

Once upon a time, I stole a human baby.

Don’t worry, I didn’t sacrifice it to any gods. I didn’t even dress it up like a dolly and pretend to nurse. I’m not crazy. I simply whisked it away from its house in the middle of the night and brought it to a horned stranger on the edge of the forest.

Okay, I’m not telling this right.

 Let me try again. The year was 573, I had just turned seven, and even I knew what iron poisoning was doing to the fey. It was killing them, okay? Killing us, I guess you could say, since I’ve got a fair amount of faerie blood in me thanks to my famous mother (ever hear of Morgan of the Faeries?) So it didn’t seem totally unethical to occasionally switch one of our dying babies with theirs, since they were to blame.

See? Now we’re on the right track.

Oh, and by the way, I wasn’t going to give the baby to a total stranger. Plenty of faeries could vouch for him. Plenty of animals too. Even the trees. The guy was the Lord of the Forest, ever heard of him?

Yeah, me neither. But all my friends said the dude was okay, and I was only seven so how was I supposed to know he was collecting human babies to sell to the aliens?

Did I say aliens? I meant . . .

"Chelsea, are you playing on the computer again? I told you the computer's off-limits until your homework is done. What are you writing anyway?"

"It's a continuation for Evil Editor."

"Well why didn't you say so? Go ahead. Your homework can wait."

Cool. Now where was I? Oh, yeah. There was this big evil horned guy with muttonchops and I gave him this baby . . .


Opening: Chelsea Pitcher.....Continuation: Lisa

Face-Lift 1057

Guess the Plot
DarkMoon

1. When a black kitten offers her freedom, a slave jumps at the offer. But she soon discovers that freedom means turning into a panther when the moon wanes. Her secret crush, the prince, could never love a werepanther . . . or could he?

2. Ravyn Wyrmtail is her real name, not silly 14-year-old Paisley Blake. At night she morphs into her true self, a fiery green dragon with golden eyes. Well, that's what she thinks--but the trolls who live in the garage know what really goes on.

3. Werewolves unite from all over the world to join in the DarkMoon Project. Good thing there are millions of them because it's going to take a lot of hands to sew a black pillowcase big enough to stuff the moon into.

4. Vampires hijack a space shuttle and fly it to the dark side of the moon where they won't have to spend sixteen hours a day in their coffins. But it turns out the dark side isn't always dark when you're on it, and there's no one there whose blood they can drink. Also, there's no air to breathe.

5. Luzi DarkMoon left the reservation, went to law school, and joined the FBI. When her brother is murdered, she returns to the Tohono O’Odham Nation to find the killers. She joins an international drug smuggling cartel, ever mindful that discovery means torture and death. She’ll capture and convict them or die trying.

6. Violet's musical career runs into a wall when she is caught plagiarizing the songs of a popular British rock and roll band. Her thought processes obscured by cloudy thinking, she has a momentary lapse of reason and builds an atomic bomb deep in the heart of her mothers secret saucer cabinet. She will show those animals, and make them wish they had never learned to hear.




Original Version

Dear (Agent),


Sometimes, freedom is but another shackle.

More afraid of death than legend, Shadas accepts the black kitten’s offer. Bond with me, NightShade promises the slavegirl, and I will set you free… But when her blood answers the lure of the waning moon, Shadas finds that ivory claws and slit pupils are only the beginning. [I certainly hope so. Promising someone freedom but delivering slit pupils and claws is like a genie offering to grant you one wish and you wish for a mansion and he says, "Your wish is my command," and suddenly you're a toad, and you're thinking, WTF?]

Rage strains the barrier between beast and human as Shadas’ new instincts struggle to break free. Shadas reveals her dangerous secret on the night of the Dark Moon, when her full transformation to a panther is finally possible. She rescues the exiled Prince of Tellura [From what? Was he a captive of his enemies? Cornered by an ogre?] —and that’s when it all goes wrong.

Though this power protects her, Shadas wants to be human again. She knows Prince Velphas could never love her as she is. [Whereas she had a shot when she was a slave?] Velphas treats her kindly, but his determination to save Tellura from tyranny and civil war comes before anything else. Torn between desire for Velphas’ love and despair that she’s unworthy of it, Shadas remains with the prince as the panther in her grows more fierce.

Now Shadas fears a moment of fatal weakness, terrified of finding herself at Velphas’ throat. Shamed by her bloodlust and driven by unrequited love, Shadas walks a path as narrow as the edge of her blade. Unless she can resist the call of darkness, Shadas will destroy her love, doom Tellura, and lose the last of her humanity.

--- --- ---

DARKMOON is my second epic fantasy novel, [Don't say this unless you're going to tell us the first was published.] complete at 96,000 words. It is the first book of the NightPanther Chronicles, set in the medieval-like countries of Tellura and Atarne. Book two, DarkSlayer, is already underway, and book three will be called DarkBane. [The books that follow will be called DarkCrystal, DarkFire, DarkShadow, DarkGate, DarkNight, DarkMage, DarkThrone, DarkQuest, DarkSong, DarkSpell, and DarkTower. I have no idea what happens in these books, but combining "Dark" with another cliche fantasy word is my trademark title strategy.]

I’ve been writing fiction for 6 years, and I’m an active member of the Figment online community. I live in Ohio with my cat, who I often imagine is actually a NightPanther. I found you ------- (ya-da ya-da) [This paragraph isn't needed.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

The plot summary is all setup. It's well-written, so perhaps if you attach a synopsis you can get away with this, but some would prefer that you condense Shadas's situation (your first three plot paragraphs) into one paragraph, then tell us what happens (Do they form an army or a commando unit? Is Shadas the only character with a special power?), then close with your last plot paragraph.

Not clear what you mean by "it all goes wrong" when she rescues the prince. How would it have gone if she hadn't rescued him? Better?

Change Shadas to Shada. It eliminates the problem of whether to make the possessive Shadas' or Shadas's. It also sounds more feminine. Shadas sounds like a villain. Velphas has the same "s" problem, but that name should be changed entirely, as no king would name his son Velphas. It sounds like a Pakistani chemical company.

Face-Lift 1056

[This, from Mister Furkles, is the last of the fake queries for memoirs of famous people. Although in this case it's more like the memoir than the query. 
The three titles now in the query queue are real books awaiting fake plots.]

Growing Up Borgia

I’m Lucrezia Borgia. I was raised Catholic. Gandpa Alfons was Pope Calixto and Papa Rodrigo was Pope Alejandra – you can’t get any more Christian.

Mama, Vannozza dei Cattanei, was a grand lady. When I was twelve, Papa betrothed me to Giovanni Sforza. I had six months to learn a wife’s duties. Mama gave me lady training. Cesar, my sixteen-year-old brother, taught me about the boudoir; I learned quickly but Cesar – ever the perfectionist -- insisted plenty of practice.

At thirteen, I wed Giovanni. He was more interested in his business and his bros so I honed my skills on the stable lads. Giovanni’s devotion to business didn’t pay off; he lost his fortune. At fifteen I went to a convent and was completely isolated except for my chamberlain, Perotto. He was a twelve-year-old precocious lad who was strikingly like a donkey in one valuable respect. Perotto and I spend the hours on end learning everything about one another. After half a year, the annulment was final; they declared me a virgin.

My second husband was Prince Alfonso of Aragon. He was sixteen and I was a seventeen. Alfonso’s sister had been given to my Uncle Gioffre so, we made a cozy foursome. Alfonso was better looking than Perotto and just as well endowed. He was a most gorgeous hunk and everybody wanted a piece of him – I got the best piece.

Unfortunately, Papa wanted to make kissface with the King of France who invaded Aragon. So Alfonso was on the outs. I hid him but Papa caught Al and had him strangled the night our son, Rodrigo was born. That sort of thing’s okay if you’re the Pope but it didn’t sit well with me.

Papa said if I liked Alfonsos so much he’d get me another. At twenty-two I wed Alfonso, Duke of Ferrara. Al Two did not compare well with Al One. But we were rich and neither objected to the other’s dalliances.