Evil Editor's Blog, page 167

Face-Lift 1047

Guess the Plot

Cyborg Hallow

1. EB232 has heard all the other robots whisper about a special place where the good robots go when their batteries finally die. Since EB232 is solar-powered, will he ever get to see this paradise? Or will he discover that it's no utopia but is instead a junkyard?

2. Life in the ruins of St. Louis grows more complicated daily as Jungle Jim survives on a diet of toasted rats and searches for a way back to the 20th century. Meanwhile, a robotic horde prepares to invade Missouri from the north, and Major Jane Lazarus, sole surviving astronaut, sends messages from the Lunar Colony.

3. Mr. 93, a bundle of misappropriated body parts, discovers the truth about himself during sex with Sarah 845 when his new lover’s legs fly out the apartment window. The truth being that Mr. 93, Supreme Cyborg Recycling Manager, is, himself, a cyborg! And he never knew!

4. When undersea archaeologist Taz Merlot digs too deep, Ancient Greek robots come back to life and start carrying out their program to convert the world to the worship of Prometheus.

5. Cyborgs travel to the Alps where they shout "Hallow" so that they can hear the echo: Hallow, hallow, hallow... They find this really cool, and my readers will find it cool that the characters are all cyborgs.


Original Version

[We've run out of queries and openings, and after today we'll be down to our last fake query. The query below, written as a writing exercise, was contributed by Whirlochre.]
 
Dear Evil Editor,

I have pleasure in submitting my 95,000 word dystopian tear jerker, Cyborg Hallow, in the hope that you’ll agree to represent me, become my friend and maybe marry me, and help out financially with a bunch of hoods who’ve been terrorising me since 1982.

Cyborg Hallow tells the story of Mr 93, a bundle of misappropriated body parts who discovers the truth about himself and his planetoid (yes — this is sci-fi!) while dating his way through the underworld demihuman community.

During sex with Sarah 845 (yes — this has chick lit appeal also), his position (no pun intended) as Supreme Cyborg Recycling Manager is compromised when his new lover’s legs fly out of the apartment window.

It’s his job to scrap these dangerous fakes — yet here he is lovingly reassembling one on an Ikea-esque chaise longue representative of my novel’s overall “dark chic”!!!

He opts for lovestruck renegade status over slavish devotion to the machine, and whisks his (still only partially functioning) lover away to The Nether Place in a Thelma & Louise meets Bonnie and Clyde (but they don’t kiss) kind of a way. Resigned to battle mutants till the end of his days, Mr 93 is surprised when no such cut-off point is reached after 2,376 years.

Is unbelievable irony at work here? He’s a cyborg, and he never knew?

If you think Grisham is “gripping”, this is one roller coaster ride guaranteed to compress every last molecule of your being like an anaconda the size of Jupiter had wrapped itself round you like a zillion, zillion times.

I am a 52 year-old, vivacious investment manager from Minnesota with a proud Sioux heritage, two adorable kittens and a 1947 Buick convertible in need of repair. My dream is to be published all over the world and learn everything there is to know about karate.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Yours Sincerely,

Julie-Ann “Angel” Panter

Evil Editor Comic Strip #75

Click strip to enlarge.

Face-Lift 1046

Guess the Plot
Where There Be Wolves

1. . . . there be werewolves! Snarl, snarl, OWOOOooooo.

2. There be a damsel in distress hoping for rescue from the scary forest. Also, there be an evil elf disguised as a prince. Plus, there be a witch's cottage sitting empty, for the witch be gone to London on a quest for newt-eyes. But the handsome knight be not there, for he be stuck in the Adriatic with a boatload of drunken sailors.

3. A shy biologist who can't get a grant reluctantly takes a job at his stepfather's investment firm - and discovers his expertise in predator behavior gives him some interesting advantages on Wall Street.

4. Xan vowed to always protect his wife, but when the wolves were at the door he failed her. Now, years later, he must decide whether to travel halfway around the world to find her or return to his former life in Greenwich Village.

5. Time traveler Wilson Puddle realizes the 14th century wasn't so bad. He resolves to leave 1967 as soon as he can gather modern inventions that will make short business of the plague, highway bandits, royal madmen, and most importantly, rabid wolves.

6. When the body of notoriously dictatorial director Jack Frankel is found scattered around the set of his latest werewolf film, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things. One, when the cast and crew hate you, there's no lack of suspects; and two, werewolves aren't real--are they?

7. Moldavia, 1634: After the crowning of the year's third prince, Vasile Lupu has had enough. Enlisting the aid of an army of wolfmen, he engages in a series of complicated intrigues designed to secure the throne for himself. But will the people ever accept the man they call "The Wolf" as their leader?



Original Version

Dear Ms./Mr. Agent,

“I will always protect you, ‘til the day I die,” was the vow Xan made to Kerinna, his wife, his queen, his sun and earth, [his stars, his universe, his main squeeze,] his reason for being, while she, after years of running from the hun who pursued her, at last found refuge in the arms of her man. [If you're a hun who's been chasing the same woman for years and you still haven't caught her, you're single-handedly destroying the hun brand.] Yet, when a band of mercenaries tracked her down and invaded their home, Xan failed in his vow – he didn’t protect her nor did he die. [Men. They'll say anything to get you in the sack, but when the chips are down, where are they?] [Did the hun hire the mercenaries or is this someone else who wants this woman? Why is she in such demand?] Though he tried, [But did he try?] he most certainly tried, having killed, tortured and maimed, still they got away with his wife, while the brutality he inflicted on one captured man led to his arrest. [Judge: "Did you kill, torture and maim this man?" Xan: "Guilty . . . with an explanation."] He even escaped police custody after a judge denied his bail, but was caught soon after [You're wasting space. We don't need to know he escaped if he was recaptured ten minutes later.] and sentenced to seven years in prison, where his mind dangled on insanity [Flirted with insanity?] and his soul withered with time, seven years to wallow, to brood on the unknown fate of his wife, until another calamity rekindled the warrior within. And now, having served his time, [the story begins.] Xan will embark on an odyssey halfway around the world, along with a group of talented men, either to bring home his queen, if she’s still alive, or to execute everyone involved in her death. No, he never did protect her, though much to the demise of his wife’s abductors, nor did he die. [Come again?]

WHERE THERE BE WOLVES is an adventurous epic that spans the last twenty years of Xan’s life, from his fall and rise in Sing Sing Prison to his feral teen years living in Greenwich Village, [Is he living his life backwards like that Benjamin Button guy?] from his military conquests across the Mid East [Is that the Middle East? Because usually Greenwich Village teenagers don't go on to conquer vast regions of the world.] to the unusual courtship with his inamorata that evolves into an indelible bond. This intricately woven tale of love, loyalty and rebirth can be dark and intense with thrilling crescendos, yet also buoyant and amusing with wisps of erotica. [Are you talking about the story or the vocabulary?]

Not until several years ago had I discovered the joy of writing. [Now if you would just develop some empathy for those of us who've discovered the joy of reading.] Yet, mindful to the literary agent’s disdain for fledgling authors, I will refrain from mentioning that this is my first novel. As per your submission guidelines, I’ve included below the first (whatever) to the completed manuscript. I thank you Ms./Mr. Agent for your consideration and look forward to your response.


Notes

Your sentence construction and word choice are distracting. This isn't your book, it's a business letter. Talk about your book as if you're talking to the agent in a bar after a couple tankards of mead, not as if your brain is jacked into Thesaurus.com.

The same advice applies to your book. Until you mentioned Sing Sing and Greenwich Village I was thinking we were on another planet or in ancient times. Forget about the joy of writing and just tell a story in language people use.

Be there any wolves in this story?

Evil Editor Comic Strip #74

Click strip to enlarge.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Extra Lives

1. On the eve of the release of their latest video game, a company's chief game developer is murdered. Only Elliot Finch, game programmer, can solve the case--although some detective wants in on the glory. Also, a kid who speaks only in code.

2. He strangled, shot, stabbed, poisoned, ran over, drowned, burned, crushed, and hung the cat. But it was still alive because the witch next door had given it . . . extra lives.

3. Jason Liebenkrantz escapes his despair over mortality by playing video games day and night until his soul is drawn into his Xbox. The quality of life in there is pretty low, and the women are all 2D, but at least he gets plenty of . . . extra lives.

4. Computer games mean everything to Bob: escape from his nagging mother, and a chance to prove his father wrong about being a dumb nobody. When an anonymous contact offers Bob the code for unlimited lives in Roger Bopping IV, it could make Bob the world champion - or get him banned forever from competitive gaming.

5. Mortally wounded in a battle between Good and Evil, Morvin discovers he can recover and continue the fight by shoving two quarters up his ass. Can he defeat the spawn of Satan before running out of coins or developing piles?

6. Morris the Cat meets the zombies in this action packed thriller of kitty redemption. Does Morris have enough lives left to defeat the zombie master?


Original Version

Mr. Ed:

Elliot Finch isn't a detective. [I'm hooked already. You don't know how sick I am of mysteries in which the main character is a detective. I mean, if Miss Marple can solve a murder, the average plumber or flight attendant or video game developer ought to be able to handle it.] He's a programmer for Advirture, a video game development company on the verge of releasing Talent, a major breakthrough. But the company's chief developer has been found dead in the back halls of E3, the largest video-game exposition in the country, and Finch is the only one with enough inside knowledge to unravel the tangle of back-office deals, lies and double-crosses surrounding the murder.


In the world of video games, one hit can make a company and one miss can destroy it. It's populated by [What's populated by? The world of videogames? A company? Or the book?] people like the thirteen-year-old prodigy who refuses to speak in anything but code, the CEO so afraid of other people that he's hired an actor for personal appearances, and the motion-capture model trying to hide her addiction to on-line role playing games. Each of them has a stake in the success or failure of Talent, and every company on the E3 floor has a motive for seeing Advirture collapse. [I would think that if they're on the verge of releasing the game, it must be in production, as they'd have to make huge numbers of them before they could release it. I don't see this murder stopping the game from coming out.]

[Actually, Finch isn't the only one with enough inside knowledge to unravel the mystery. Evil Editor also has enough inside knowledge, though mine is inside knowledge of the mystery genre. To wit:
Okay, who are the suspects?
1. The 13-year-old kid.2. The CEO.3. The model.4. The actor.5. Finch.6. The dead person's heir(s).7. Lord Mountbatten.8. Someone so insignificant he wasn't even worthy of being mentioned in the query because he barely appears in the book until it's revealed at the end that he had a long-standing grudge with the deceased.
We immediately eliminate Finch. Even though he isn't a detective, he's the one solving the crime, so he'll be needed for a sequel if the book takes off.
The kid is out. There'd be no satisfaction in having a kid get the chair. Plus, the final confession would be in binary code, so we wouldn't understand it.
The heirs are out. You don't set the book in a gaming expo if the spouse or progeny did it. You set it in an English manor.
The actor is out. No motive unless he's fallen in love with the CEO. But the CEO is afraid of people, and probably hasn't even met the actor.
Already we've cut the field in half.
The CEO is too obvious. If this were your sixth Elliot Finch mystery, you could make it the CEO, because by now everyone trusts that you wouldn't make it the obvious person.
So we've narrowed it down to the motion capture model, the person who was never mentioned, and Lord Mountbatten. This is where it gets tough. We need to think about motive. The victim was a major player in the design of the game. The model wouldn't have had much contact with the victim unless they had something going on the side. A crime of passion? I don't buy it. I think the motive had something to do with the breakthrough technology. Also, being addicted to games, the model would want the game to be released so she could play it. Killing the developer just delays that.
Now you're thinking you see the brilliance of having included Lord Mountbatten on the list, because we can easily eliminate him on the grounds he died in 1979, when the video game industry was dominated by Ms. Pacman. But not so fast! For the insignificant character never mentioned in the query turns out to be . . . Lord Mountbatten Jr., international adventurer, heir to the Mountbatten fortune, video game executive, and . . . cold-blooded killer. An interesting twist, but . . . having had no trouble determining whodunnit, I of course wouldn't request this manuscript.]
Someone is willing to kill to either steal the new technology or prevent it from ever reaching the shelves. With the help of a veteran detective, Finch has to find out who is responsible before their plan to destroy Advirture requires the death of Finch himself.

Extra Lives is a 90,000 word mystery. My short fiction has appeared in X and Y.

Thank-you for your time.


Notes

You seem to have what you need for a mystery. A dead person, some suspects, and a detective. Unfortunately, your crime apparently will be solved by Finch, who is less likely than the detective to find new murders to solve in future books in the series. Just thinking ahead.

If everyone on the floor of the biggest video game exposition has a motive, I don't see how unraveling the tangle of deals, lies and double-crosses gets us anywhere. There's a reason most murder mysteries have five to eight suspects. 30,000 suspects is unwieldy. Even with the detective's help it's goona take forever to interview 30,000 suspects.



Selected Comments

Julie Weathers said...I think it's an interesting premise, but it would need a solid reason for the murder. People in the gaming industry change companies all the time so it would be unusual for the success of a game to hinge on one person.

Brice Broaddus gives you a peek just into the art side of it. It's a long, long process with a large cast to bring it together.

If you pull this off, it would probably have a decent audience so I wish you luck with it.


December/Stacia said...I really like the setting, I think it sounds fun. But for me what makes the query not stand out is the lack of info about Filch (Finch? See, I can't even remember his name.) Is he a nebbishy dork? Is he a supercool hipster? Is he an obsessive Dr. Who fan who constantly quotes Dr. Who and sleeps with a picture of Billie whats-her-name cradled in his arms? Does that Dr. Who obsession make him see a clue no one else would see, because they didn't watch the last Christmas special and realize how forklifts were used on the Titanic? That sort of thing.

What makes him interesting, why should I care about him? Why is he the only one who can help the detective?

JMO, but I think the setting is really interesting, and some of the other characters you mention sound interesting, but nothing that makes the MC interesting, and he's the one we're going to spend the whole book with.


writtenwyrdd said...The GTPs made me think of Tron so much that it was difficult to filter that thought out of my head.

That said, I think the first sentence is off. Why not say "Elliot Finch is a programmer, not a detective"? That way no one has the opportunity to feel like a non-sequitir has occurred at the onset of the query.

Overall, the query reads as rather dull. What's the emotional hook, the risks that Finch undergoes? And I don't find the list of people all that interesting.


wendy said...Oh EE, you never fail to entertain and educate as well. Very eye-opening, thank you.

I like this one. I agree with december/stacia that we need to know more about Finch. I like the way the other players are definite characters, and I agree with EE that it isn't clear if you have a good killer from you query. (which seems to be important)

What's really got me going about this story is I can't help but wonder if something acted out in the video game tells a personal secret one of your characters would kill to keep quiet!

Fun story. I would read read read on and I don't even like video games!

Good luck with it!

pacatrue said...It was obviously Mountbatten's son. You could tell that from line 2.


BuffySquirrel said...I don't get the bit about new technology. Is this a game and a platform? Or am I meant to think of software as technology? That would be a new departure for me, but maybe I'm out of touch!

Overall, this doesn't grab, but I think that with a more exciting query, it could be very grabby. Not that I read murder mysteries much, but I'm persuadable :).


Adam Heine said...The query is fine. I have a potential problem with the kid who speaks code (and potentially other geeky aspects of the novel). Basically, if you're targeting gamer and geek culture, then you'd better be freaking accurate in your depiction of that culture or they will murder you (pun intended, apology to follow).

So much so that if you've got a kid who speaks in code, that code better be accurate. But my thing is, why the heck does he speak in code? How? I write code, and it's dang hard, if not impossible, to speak to humans in it. It's not a language meant for humans. We can understand if/else statements pretty well, but what about for loops? While loops? Print statements? For that matter, which programming language is he speaking in?

That's not stuff you need in the query, but these were questions that made me wary. Of course, the chances of an agent/editor also being a geek/gamer/programmer are really, really slim. So you might not need to worry.

Oh, and sorry about the pun up there. It just sort of came out.


stick and move said...This sounds like a great premise, to me. A fun story with lots of potential. I'm guessing it's aimed at the general mystery population, and I trust from the query that you know about the game designing industry. I hope you do, and include some interesting facts, but if you're aiming for the big audience, don't overdo it. I agree the query needs another sentence or two about Finch.

I'm no expert, but I think the query is pretty close to ready.


GutterBall said...Truly, you have a dizzying intellect, EE. And here I thought it was Professor Plum. Guess I wasn't paying as close attention as I thought.
Author, I think December hits some excellent points. This is a fun query, which is good, but there's not a lot in it about who this Finch guy is. All we really know is that he works in game development and he's not a detective.

Now, I'm the world's worst about saying there's a forest without illustrating the trees, so I'm a little pot-calling-the-kettle-black, here. Take me with a grain of salt. You know, like a margarita.

At any rate, I'd probably read this just because I like mysteries and I like games (though I'm not quite up to gamer level). Good luck with it!


talpianna said...Obviously the killer was an AI program, and not a person at all.

And there's no such person as Lord Mountbatten, Jr.; he had no sons and was succeeded by his eldest daughter:

Patricia Edwina Victoria Knatchbull, 2nd Countess Mountbatten of Burma, CBE, MSC, CD, JP, DL (born 14 February 1924) is a British peeress and daughter of the 1st Earl Mountbatten of Burma and his wife, the former Edwina Ashley. She is the elder sister of Lady Pamela Hicks, and first cousin to Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh.

Known before 1946 as Patricia Mountbatten, in 1946 as the Hon. Patricia Mountbatten, and between 1946 and 1979 as Lady Brabourne, Lady Mountbatten succeeded her father when he was assassinated in 1979, as his peerages had been created with special remainder to his daughters and their heirs male. This inheritance put her in the House of Lords, where she remained until 1999, when the House of Lords Act 1999 removed most hereditary peers from the House.

So there!


Evil Editor said...Despite your research, you failed to discover that there also is no Elliot Finch, no victim, no CEO, no suspects. Like Lord Mountbatten Jr., they were all made up. It's a common ploy of fiction writers.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot
One Last Hit

1. After entering a contest to guess when a famous blog will reach one million hits, wannabe author Clyde Parquet becomes obsessed with logging into the site in a desperate attempt to win. His family intervenes, to save him from irreversible geekness, but can they convince Clyde to stop before it's too late? For a blog addict, is there ever . . . One Last Hit?

2. He had missed dinner. He'd bummed quarters from every kid in the place. His hands were a mass of blisters. But after 999 rounds of Whack-a-Mole Matthew knew he was ready for... One Last hit.

3. When Orrie liquidates all of their belongings and heads for the Las Vegas blackjack tables, his wife follows him, figuring it's the best place to divorce him. When she finds Orrie has tripled their money in less than an hour, and has put everything on one hand, can she talk him out of taking . . . One Last Hit?

4. Benny Band, Yankee slugger, has been accused of cheating with steroids. He didn't care before, but now that his mother is dying and his wife is leaving with their kids, he swears he'll quit. All he wants is . . . One Last Hit.

5. Mafia hitman Jed Undertaker wants nothing more than to retire peacefully after thirty years, move to Mexico, and forget about his past. But not so fast--his boss, Fat Man, wants him for . . . One Last Hit.

6. One-hit-wonder Charlie Maxx has been steadily fading into obscurity when he happens into a Santa Fe diner. A mysterious stranger offers Charlie a sure winner in return for his soul. Hilarity ensues when Charlie trades eternal life for . . . One Last Hit.



Original Version

Dear Malo Redactor:

As a hitman for more than thirty years for the Mafia in Chicago, Jed Undertaker is tired and numb. He's survived a lonely, danger-filled life and now wants nothing more than to retire peacefully to Mexico, where he aims to forget his murderous past and (hopefully) avoid the U.S. authorities. [If you've been murdering people regularly for 30 years, is it easier to forget your murderous past than if you murdered one person?]

But his boss, Fat Man, [That's his name? If your last name is Man, and you name your kid Fat, you're pretty much consigning him to a lifetime of eating donuts.] needs Jed for one last hit. [He wants the manager of the next-door donut shop killed.] There's a loose-lipped preacher with a wicked heroin habit, and he isn't such a good customer anymore. [If you're a preacher with a heroin habit, and you want to keep your job, I don't recommend loose lips. Sermon:

...and so, brothers and sisters, last night I was hanging out and I thought I'd take the edge off with a massive dose of scag. I went to my junk drawer for the dust. Empty. Called my dealer, told him I needed some horse, fast. He sent over some China White, and charged me through the nose, no pun intended. So, if you could see your way to dropping an extra Jackson in the collection plate this morning I'd appreciate it. 
Moving on, last night God came to me in a vision . . . ]
Plus, he has something Fat Man wants—a twelve-year old kid. The orders to are to kill him and bring back the kid, Gabriel.

Not only does Jed not know what Fat Man wants with the boy, he doesn't know that the hit is intended for him. [When you retire from a job as Mafia hitman, and they tell you they need you for one last hit, it's always intended for you.] When he gets to the church, he finds two men waiting for him and the preacher dead. He survives the hit and takes Gabriel. [Why take Gabriel?] But soon he finds the preacher's ghost is following him, intent on killing both him and the kid.

As old cronies, the ghost of a preacher, and cops chase Jed and Gabriel through the underworld of Chicago, they form a bond that Jed at first resists. But as the danger deepens, he realizes there is no one else he can trust. As he begins to uncover what Fat Man and the preacher want with Gabriel, he sees that he and Gabriel are not just running for their lives, but that they are at the center of a battle that will either save humanity—or end it.

One Last Hit is a fantasy graphic novel approximately 200 pages in length. It is my first book. I am enclosing the first five pages of manuscript and would be happy to send more upon request. Art samples can be found at [web address]. [So the 200 pages don't include art samples? Is this a novel with illustrations, or is it in comic book format? Are graphic novels like picture books in that an art sample is instant rejection? I would think the artwork is at least as important as the text in making a sale.]

Thank you!


Notes

If Gabriel is so important to Fat Man, why didn't Fat Man have the guys who killed the preacher bring him Gabriel first and then go back to kill Undertaker?

We have a standard mob plot going until the end of the third paragraph, when we discover that ghosts exist, and one paragraph later all of humanity is on the line. The stakes seem to escalate awfully fast; we might want you to hint at why. Or prepare us with a hook-y opening sentence, something like, Hitman Jed Undertaker has been hired for one last job, but little does he know his actions will determine the fate of the universe.

You don't need "as" at the start of the first sentence. Deleting it works, or you could start:

Jed Undertaker is tired and numb. A Mafia hitman for more than thirty years, he's survived a lonely, danger-filled life and . . .


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...if Fat Man is his mob nickname, I'd recommend putting it in quotes. But if it is, it's so cliche! Every mob guy in every book is "Fat Man" or "Slats". I'd try something different so as not to turn off the agent. But that's just me.


Anonymous said..."As old cronies, the ghost of a preacher, and cops chase Jed and Gabriel through the underworld of Chicago, they form a bond that Jed at first resists."

Does anybody else have trouble understanding that sentence? Apparently EE didn't have any problems with it.


Evil Editor said...I understand it, though one could argue that it could mean the cronies, cops, ghost, Jed and Gabriel are all forming the bond, rather than just Jed and Gabe.


BuffySquirrel said...Yikes, that murderous ghost came out of nowhere! Talk about apparently switching genre halfway through....


150 said...Aren't graphic novels generally sold as scripts and assigned to an illustrator, like picture books are? I'd put the genre, format and page count right at the top.


Anonymous said...At first I thought it meant that the ghost and the cops were behaving like old cronies during the chase. Then I decided that 'old cronies' had joined the plot unannounced. That's probably it.


Dave F. said...I misread that statement and then went back to read it more closely. It's a tough construction but saying:

As old cronies, the ghost of a preacher, and cops chase Jed and Gabriel through the underworld of Chicago, MAN AND BOY form a bond that Jed at first resists.
sounds too creepy for me.

That was another comment I had - a Roman Catholic Priest with a 12 year old boy? My mind just reels with the implications.

Since the angel Gabriel is the messenger of God the Almighty, I presume this young boy is also a key participant in the End Times. And as we all know, the "End Times," or more to the point, the eschatological writings of three major religions concerning the coming of the Messiah to sit in Judgment, are much more exciting than a simple burned out hit man on his last killing.

The supernatural aspects of the story will sell the novel. You have all the elements - the flawed hero, the villainous Fat Man (lousy name but better than Louis Cypher in Angel Heart), the child-like savior and the ignorant others.
But you have to sell this in the query like the Graphic Novels Constantine or the Sandman series. Sell it on the supernatural elements.
Sell it on eschatology.


benwah said...For the first few sentences of the query I thought you had a pretty good Elmore Leonard thing going on ("Pagan Babies" anyone?) and I liked it. But then the sudden appearance of ghosts and -- wait, what? -- the fate of the universe is at stake? As EE says, that threw me.

From a nitpicky standpoint, there are a few sentences with pronoun ambiguity:

"Not only does Jed not know what Fat Man wants with the boy, he doesn't know that the hit is intended for HIM." I know that HIM refers to Jed, but it could refer to Gabe (Dear Lord, please don't be the archangel)

"As old cronies, the ghost of a preacher, and cops chase Jed and Gabriel through the underworld of Chicago, THEY form a bond that Jed at first resists." THEY refers to Jed and the kid, but it could refer to this passel of folks.

The other thing that sticks in my craw a bit is the sentence that immediately follows this one. You've got Jed resisting a bond, then bonding, then trusting nobody all within a few words.

EE points out an obvious question: why didn't the hitmen waiting in the church nab the kid? Corollary, why did Jed grab him.

As for the names. UNDERTAKER? FAT MAN? Seems too cliched or at least a missed opportunity. I shudder to think what the priest's name is.

Overall sounds like a neat story but I think you need to shift the focus a bit more to expose the paranormal to us earlier. Good start though; I'm intrigued.


Moth said...Anon 1:05: Now that you mention it "they form a bond that Jed at first resists" is pretty cryptic not to mention borderline squicky depending on how you take it. I'm guessing its meant as father/son or mentor/student type thing but this sentence isn't specific enough.

Author: I'm sorry but as this is written it doesn't sound fresh or new. "One last hit" Fat man the mob boss. *yawn* It's been done. Especially since this is a graphic novel I'm getting "Road to Perdition" with ghosts BIG TIME. I say bring the paranormal stuff more to the front to de-emphasize your use of mobster story cliches. Oh yea, and the saving the world bit needs to be more than a tack-on in the last sentence. More info on that earlier, please.

EE: I loved your sermon! Maybe that can be the next thing you branch out into: Religion.


freddie said...Hello all. Author here.
Change convoluted sentences. Check.

Change Fat Man's name. Check.

Change Undertaker's name. Check.

The only miss is that the preacher is not a priest. Those of you who thought so need to take a closer read. The preacher is of the southern preacher variety, but I didn't think that was something that needed to be pointed out in the query.

I did okay with the criticisms until I got to Benwah's Road to Perdition with a ghost statement, which made me go "FUUUUUUCK MEEEEEEE!" Because the query really does sound like that.

Y'all are probably going to kill me when I say this, but I wrote this query to get my head around the plot. Book isn't done. I've been struggling with the novel for months now and I decided to turn it into a graphic novel so that I could focus strictly on the plot, and the writing is going much faster. I turned in the query because I had never tried a real query before and EE was low. Hopefully the plot won't be as hackneyed and cliched as I've described this.

I hope you don't all think critiquing the query has been a waste of time. This has helped a lot.

Okay. Back to the drawing board (so to speak).


Dave F. said...Something we should all watch. As a catholic when I hear about any "man of religion" I think Priest. And we don't "hire" them or pay them.
All the other Christian faiths think Minister or Reverend and not priest. And those faiths do hire and fire and pay their religious leaders.

I don't do that when I hear Rabbi. This confusion doesn't happen for Rabbi's and Temples.

There's no judgment on any religion or religious belief here. It's just a difference.

It's a little like the British - cots, nappies and torches are bunkbeds, diapers and flashlights.


freddie said...Yeah, I know, Dave, but I mentioned it because it seemed to touch off some confusion about another story that's apparently on the Internet.


talpianna said...Who wrote #2? I want to order a hit on him (or her).

I assume that Jed took the kid to protect him from the bad guys, and the bond is of protector/foster father and protegé.


freddie said...Yep, Tal, that's right. And Jed and Gabriel do form a father/son bond. I guess I'm going to have to be more specific about that in the next draft. Some of the minions have dirty minds.


December/Stacia said...I saw it more as 100 Bullets with ghosts, or maybe anything by Howard Chaykin. Could be cool, though. Good luck!


Whirlochre said...My main complaint is that it's a little too long, but given Freddie's frank account of how it came to be, I understand why this may be.


freddie said...BTW, EE, thanks for this. I love the sermon!

Evil Editor Comic Strip #73

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Evil Editor Comic Strip #72

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New Beginning 961

"Damn, he's heavier than I thought," Dylan laid the body on the stone table, covered its privates with a cotton cloth, and toweled it dry. He wanted to scream and strike out at the cause of these deaths but the reason lay protected, passed out drunk in the back of a jeep, guarded by his henchmen.

"My Daddy used to say moving a corpse is like moving a futon after its been left out in the rain. Drunks, drowning victims, and heart attacks are easy if you avoid the piss, anal seepage, and spew," Tucker said. Nothing seemed to bother Tucker's happy-go-lucky outlook on life, not even death. He'd done the dirty work of washing blood and bodily fluids from the bodies and stitching the stab wounds to hide the atrocities.

"Hardly a joking matter, Tucker. Alejandro's got us all in deep this time." Dylan turned away, unable to face his friend, and feeling sick at heart.

He'd known this youth, a bright boy, eager, and quick to learn, who hoped to be the first to go to college from his village. He didn't want to be dressing his corpse in the vain and futile hope of not being killed.

As Dylan turned to start rinsing down the sink, he heard talking and approaching footsteps.

'"...and as you'll see, the refitted kitchen is accentuated by a natural granite i-- Whaaaaaah?!!"

And that was pretty much it for HGTV's Property Virgins Live.


Opening: Dave F......Continuation: Anon.  

Evil Editor Comic Strip #71

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