Evil Editor's Blog, page 164

Fake Plots for Published Books

Chosen Submissions
[Unchosen submissions have been posted in the comments at the original post.]


Without Feathers

The town of Crosby Corners hasn't had a decent tar-and-feathering for two hundred years. When Blake Hidegood is caught trying to elope with the mayor's daughter, it looks like the community's luck has changed. But no! All the ducks have already flown south for the winter! Rioting ensues.


The Thin Man

The world's most famous editor has gastric banding surgery to lose weight. He gets down to a svelte 150 pounds, but now no one will take him seriously when he claims to be an editor.


Confessions of a Crap Artist

A Brooklyn housewife breaks down and explains to her family why they should never, ever have eaten her brownies.


The Hunger Games

Eleven year old Oliver is abandoned on Rapa Nui with a shellfish allergy.


Virtual Banality

As if university cocktail parties weren't tedious enough, Milton College has instituted a weekly hour-long compulsory on-line chat for all tenured professors. Can Campbell Bryant stay awake long enough to moderate the conversations or . . . yaawwwnnnn. What did you say?


Juliet, Naked

Clayton has finally landed the role of a lifetime - playing opposite his secret crush Jenny Foster in his high school's production of Romeo and Juliet. For two straight weeks before opening night, he has a nightmare of walking on stage naked in front of the entire student body. He overcomes his anxiety and makes his entrance fully dressed. To the audience's amusement, Jenny doesn't.



People who submitted fake plots:

Lisa
Dave
BuffySquirrel
A.M. Perkins

Face-Lift 1055

Guess the Plot
The Fish Preserve

1. After Olympic swimmer Bryan Lock deflowers the University President's daughter in public and the video goes viral on the Internet, his life seems ruined--until a Mexican drug lord hires Lock to operate his new ocean research center.

2. Sweden is surrounded by fish, and the population loves it. However, it rots quickly and the smell is hurting the tourism industry. Sven Dalgaard, one of the premiere scientists in the country, discovers a new way to preserve the nation's favorite food - it's a little thing he's named "salt".

3. When the body of 70s eco-warrior Jacques Champlain is found by kids fishing in MacArthur Park, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things. One, the old man didn't harpoon himself; and two, some camarones would be great for dinner.

4. 1969. High schoolers Rachel, a native of the ruined Owens Valley, and Gabriel, a transplant from Sherman Oaks, discover love, life, environmentalism and each other in this coming-of-age story set in California's historic fish hatchery on Highway 395.

5. Detective Jorge Calderon thought his danger days were over when he retired from the NYPD. He moved to sleepy Cortez Florida and joined the Florida Institute for Saltwater Heritage. One day he investigates a slaughtered manatee. On the way back, his jeep is forced off the road by a large pickup. Two days later he finds three teens shot execution style. Now Jorge knows he can’t retire yet.


Original Version

[It's another fake query, this one from Dave F. We do have a couple real queries in the queue now, waiting for fake plot writers to notice them.]
Dear EE

Olympic swimmer Bryan Lock dreams he is a butterfly flapping his wings in China... But wait, let's change that butterfly to a fish and China to the Yucatan. The proposition becomes: If a doctoral student and champion swimmer who dreams of becoming a world renowned oceanographer deflowers the University President's Daughter in public and the video goes viral on the internet, what sort of job can he expect after graduation? The answer, a dead end job in the fast food industry. However, the storms of chaos theory blow a fair wind his way in the form of a Drug Lord in the Yucatan. The Drug Lord hires Lock to operate his new ocean research center.

Our butterfly, being chaos personified, returns in the form of the Drug Lord's son who boozes, trips, whores, rapes, and kills in the villages where the drugs grow. Even bad dreams come true in chaos theory. A Drug Lord's son can't escape punishment for wanton murder and the punishment is death. As the storms of chaos abate, justice will be served. The murderous son, his partner and the researchers are not killed are given a strange new lease on life, the Drug Lord gains their silence, and Lock his dream job -- a successful oceanic researcher. However, he's no longer human. He's more of a half-man, half-fish creature, with gills.

My novel, THE FISH PRESERVE is bizarro Sci Fi complete at 80K. It is breaking out of its cocoon just for you.

Face-Lift 1054

Guess the Plot
Tales of the Tail-less

1. Pop-up book featuring characters from the hundred-acre wood. When Eeyore's tail gets pulled off, he decides to take revenge on anyone and everyone, but mostly Tigger--who had nothing to do with it!

2. Living with another species can be challenging and rewarding. A collection of memoirs, written by Poodle Silver Silk Porscha, to explain the vagaries of naked apes for the amusement and enlightenment of their Poodle masters.

3. The story of three-blind mice and their extraordinary pal, Max, an Australian Shepherd and how they were able to overcome adversity and reap revenge on the terrorist known only as The Farmer's Wife.

4. Four tadpoles. Four stories. One pond. Learn about friendship, survival and family as Leapy, Larvy, Ihop and Legs metamorphose their way to adulthood. Children picture book, complete with vodka for the caring mother.

5. Horatio, the Manx cat, doesn't believe he was born this way, and he's determined to take revenge on whoever cut off his tail. He's still got his claws...



Original Version

[It's a fake query for a fake book, submitted by Lisa and presented for your entertainment as we await the submission of actual queries and openings.]

When the owl first pulled off my tail, I knew it wasn’t personal. The problem was, Chris stuck it back on with a tack. What was he thinking? Who do I look like anyway? A stupid kids’ party game?

I learned to live not only with the tack, but also with that annoying bear and his silly high-voiced porcine sidekick, but when the bouncing tiger moved in, that was the last straw. I couldn’t hold it together anymore.

Follow my exploits as I attempt to oust the tiger from the Hundred Acre Wood. Thrill as I weigh down his nether regions with sawdust. Marvel at my ingenious plot to steal the honey pot and convince the moronic marsupials the blame should be placed on that frivolous feline. Feel your heart break as, once again, I lose my tail in the river and am forced to wade out into the icy cold water to retrieve it.

From perusing your website, I have concluded that you have more of a brain than most of the other agents in the forest. I would be pleased if you would consider my memoir, TALES OF THE TAIL-LESS, a 250 word pop-up book, for representation. I have included an SASE for your convenience, and some tiger whisker clippings for your enjoyment.

Fake Plots for Published Books

Back in 2006 we had a competition to see who could write the funniest fake plots for titles on a given list of published books. These were the winning entries:

Bet Me
Bill looked at the four Jacks in his hand, and at the rugged cowboy across the table. He had nothing else to wager until his girlfriend whispered in his ear . . .  "Bet me."

The Door Into Summer
Summer knew she was having a lot of operations lately, but she really didn't appreciate her surgeon's new time-saving innovation.

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
A sorceress teaches Detroit's star running back about life, love, and the pursuit of proper accessories.

The League of Frightened Men

Sick of the over-courageous heroics of the world's standard superheroes, Mr. Timorous, Phobiaman, Captain France and The ScaredyCat team up to fight evil--as long as it doesn't make any loud noises.

Portnoy's Complaint
He doesn't care how many times they put him on hold; Dan Portnoy is determined to tell off his cell phone provider, or die trying.

The Crack in Space

I have no idea what happens, but it's obviously on Uranus.


As the queries aren't exactly rolling in these days, those who enjoy composing fake plots have nothing to do. So, I've chosen six books from my bookshelf. Your job: come up with amusing fake plots for any or all.


Without Feathers
The Thin Man
Confessions of a Crap Artist
Virtual Banality
Juliet, Naked
The Hunger Games

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

The Pride

1. Cliffnote Brown on safari tries to solve the murder of a water buffalo whose carcass is found picked clean by some type of carnivore.

2. Emotional struggles are played out as professional wrestling matches in a convention center in Lubbock, Texas. Volume 1: The Pride versus The Altruism. (Altruism gives up freely.)

3. When a teenaged girl escapes a religious cult, she discovers her connection to the Lion People. She teams up with a werelion, a shapeshifter, a grizzly bear, and an eccentric scientist to seek revenge on the cult leader.

4. In this self-published companion volume to The Prejudice, literary critic Bulwer Bluenose presents a compelling personal diatribe against agents, editors, publishers and readers. Citing the entire publishing industry, he vents his venom on uppity New York agents, wickedly evil editors, the Library of Congress and poodles in tams. Profusely illustrated.

5. Vicar Cy Loutly in the the quaint village of Boring-on-End is justifiably proud of his collection of Staffordshire porcelain. But will pride go before a fall when spinster detective Amelia Pettipants discovers a priceless Staffordshire spaniel in the lifeless hands of the village barmaid, Rosie Bottoms?

6. It's midnight in the Museum of Natural History, and Chief Curator of African Mammals Dr. Pinkney Mupps is horrified when the "Lions on the Savannah" diorama is vandalized. But the sight of his wife and the Assistant Curator of Primitive Tools cavorting naked among the tall grasses is what really hurts his pride.


Original Version

Dear Agent, (followed by a short sentence about why I chose them)

THE PRIDE is a young adult urban fantasy, complete at 77,000 words. When seventeen-year-old Alexis escapes certain death [Once someone escapes from it, I don't think you're allowed to call it "certain death" anymore.] from the religious cult that raised her, she doesn’t know she’s only half human. [How could she not know? What's the other half? If you're half ostrich or half cow, it should be pretty obvious.] She gains a protector in Gideon, a shapeshifter out for revenge against the mercenary who murdered his family, and learns the truth about her own connection to the Lion People. [Namely that she's one of them. She's half human, half lion? Does she look like a person in a lame lion costume? Or does she have a lion's body and a human head, like a sphinx? It could be a woman's body with a lion's head, I suppose, but being female, Alexis wouldn't have the cool mane, so the lion head idea doesn't get my vote.] [No matter which half of her is lion, it's hard to believe she doesn't know she isn't 100% human. Doesn't it strike her as odd that no other humans chase wildebeests?] Working together, Alexis and Gideon discover that the cult’s leader is a banished god named Nassaner. Deriving his power from willing sacrifices, Nassaner has convinced his followers, including Alexis’s own mother, to kill their firstborn children. [That's some mighty persuasive convincing. I wonder, what's the best method for convincing your followers to kill their children? Should you talk to them individually, or is it better to gather them all together in an auditorium and speak from behind a podium? Probably the latter. People will believe anything you say if you're standing behind a podium.]

To stop the rogue god and save Alexis’s life, Gideon and Alexis must face the demons of their past and form an uneasy alliance with a newly turned werelion, an eccentric scientist, and an ancient grizzly. [Lions and scientists and bears--oh my!] But Nassanner won’t give up without a fight. He can take the form of a forty-foot snake, his venom will kill a shapeshifter in seconds and his devoted followers will stop at nothing protect him. In the final confrontation, [The shapeshifter takes the form of a forty-foot mongoose and they battle it out.] Alexis must find the strength inside to save herself and those she’s grown to love. [She's grown to love the cowardly werelion the most.]

THE PRIDE is full of action, suspense and a hint of romance. Although this is my first novel, my short stories have appeared in Review and Herald’s Insight Magazine (student contest winner) Horizon, Hope for Women, Angels on Earth, Aoife’s Kiss, Beyond Centauri and Peridot Books. I have enclosed the first five pages for review. For more information about Alexis, Gideon and THE PRIDE, or to read the complete manuscript, please contact me using the information provided below.

Sincerely,


Notes

It doesn't have enough cohesion. It sounds listy; it needs to pause and elaborate on something. Maybe it would help to explain what you mean by "her own connection to the Lion People," "willing sacrifices," "the demons of their past."

I'd leave out the werelion, eccentric scientist and ancient grizzly. It'll sound less wacko without them.

Why is Alexis's life in danger if she's escaped? Is she going back for revenge? Is she being chased?



Selected Comments

kiss-me-at-the-gate said...People will believe anything you say if you're standing behind a podium. ROFL  It's only so funny because it's true...


Anonymous said...Thanks for taking the time to help me, Evil Editor. I see what you mean and shall take your words to heart.


Naomi said...I really hoped it would be this plot. I love urban fantasy and shapeshifters. I think there's a lot of good stuff in here, but there are a few points I think you could clarify.

I assumed that Alexis is a firstborn child and that's why she's running away from the cult, which led me to question her age. If you're going to sacrifice your first-born child, surely it's better to do it before she's old enough to object?

And if she's not a first-born, does she run away because she discovers an elder sibling was murdered? Yeah, I guess my point is, what leads her to run away to start with?

What power does the cult leader actually gain from these sacrifices and why is Alexis' recapture so important to him?

I'd pick this up if I saw it in a shop. Good luck with the query.


Nut said...author: Sounds like a fun book. I especially like the idea of a lion-people cult.

Anonymous said...Thank you Naomi and Nut. I really apreciate the kudos and the advice. Does anyone know if we can re-submitt improved queries to Evil Editor? Or does he frown on that?


Evil Editor said...Improved queries may be submitted as comments (There's one at Face-lift 230 right now), but since Guess the Plot and EE's amusing remarks would be gone or minimal, it won't be front-page material.


redcap said...Would it be cruel of me to ask why people think books like that would sell in the first place? If I picked that up in a book shop, I would expect to be standing at the "dump" table at the time.


nut said...redcap: different people like different books. This book looks great for fantasy fans, you might like some other genre. Everyone has their preferences. If you don't like the genre, or even the author's style, don't assume, that you're the only one with a sence of taste. I mean, I'm really not into romance, but there are plenty of people who are, so, great for them. Just cause its not your cup of tea, doesn't mean others won't drink it.


December Quinn said...Would it be cruel of me to ask why people think books like that would sell in the first place? No, just unimaginative. I guess you like exactly the same things as everyone you know, and don't ever try anything new. It also shows a distinct lack of research and awareness, as urban fantasy is quite a popular genre.

If I picked that up in a book shop, I would expect to be standing at the "dump" table at the time.

That's cruel.


illiterate said...Okay, redcap, looking at your profile, you do read fantasy(JKR). But you do understand that before the books you love were published, they were once unfinished works in progress, right?

This book sounds like the things I like, ones that take me on an adventure. That's why I'd read it.


BuffySquirrel said...It might be cruel if anyone took it seriously.


Kate Thornton said...This is the kind of fantasy adventure I'd have to pry out of my young niece's hands - the female protagonist, culty stuff, talking animals, and a final crescendo of a confrontation.

There's a thrivng market out there for this sort of story - and plenty of Aunties with credit cards to buy them, too!


Rei said...This isn't a query. It's a short synopsis.


Anonymous said...I had hoped it was gtp #3 also. it was the best one. I suppose redcap is being honest about his/her personal feelings but I agree with december.


Rhona said...Okay...here is the new and improved query. Thank you for all your comments and advice. If anyone cares to rip this one up too...I'd really appreciate it! I’ve worked so hard on this book; I owe it to it and myself to represent it well, dagnabbit!

THE PRIDE is a young adult urban fantasy, complete at 77,000 words.

When seventeen-year-old Alexis escapes death from the religious cult that raised her, she doesn’t know she’s only half human. She’s never driven a car, never made her own decisions and never been alone. Hitchhiking down the highway at midnight disguised as a boy, she’s picked up by Gideon, a shapeshifter with problems of his own. Alexis finds a friend in Gideon and together they discover the cult’s leader is a banished god named Nassaner, who derives his power from willing human sacrifices. Alexis cannot escape him for long, because he knows she carries the blood of the lion people and her sacrifice will give him much more power than that of a human. He’s spent years brainwashing his followers and since one is Alexis’s own mother, Nassaner will stop at nothing to get her back. If she is to survive, Alexis must learn to stop running, embrace her true self and let the lioness stand up and fight.

Followed by my published clips and contact info of course....

Thanks guys!


Nut said...I like it; I think its much more to the point, and looks more adventurous.

I hope the ones that know what they're doing show up soon though, since all I can give you is an amateur's opinion.


illiterate said...The remake does look good to me. Keep in mind that many of us here are completely unpublished, and some may not ever be, so don't take the mimions' opinions too seriously.

Improving the Olympics

I suggested some of the following ideas four years ago. It'll be interesting to see how many of them they've incorporated. Also, I've added some new ones. Change with the times, IOC.

1. In beach volleyball, the tall players have an advantage. Thus, I recommend that springboards be installed in the area of the net to aid the shorter players in spiking and blocking.

2. In the men's high bar, the athletes are lifted to the bar by a guy. This is humiliating. I suggest that it would be more spectacular if they had to pole vault over the high bar and then grab it on the way down, smoothly beginning their routine as they do.

3. No one ever sticks the landing on the gymnastics vault, as they have too much horizontal momentum. Thus, instead of landing on mats they should land on one of those small trampolines--the kind mascots use to dunk basketballs at halftime. This would allow them to spring upward, creating vertical momentum and allowing them to land without stepping or hopping.

4. The men's pommel horse tends to be extremely dull, despite the great skill involved, because they just go around and around. I propose that the routine be performed on an actual horse as it gallops around the arena.

5. The swimsuits of the synchronized divers are identical; they should be mirror images, with the design of one on the opposite side as the design of the other, so it looks like one diver is a mirror image of the other. Also, the divers should have to be twins. Actually, it's too easy to synchronize with one other diver. The event should involve eight divers going simultaneously, preferably octuplets.

6. No one actually swims the butterfly, so why is it an event? It should be replaced with the dog paddle. That may sound ridiculous, but it's no more ridiculous than race walking. I mean really, walking? In real life, if you're in a hurry, no matter how fast you can walk you'll be left in the dust of people who have enough sense to run.

7. There's no way of knowing who wins a point in fencing unless you just watch the electronic light come on. The only way the actual fencing will ever be worth watching is if they use real swords and fight to the death.

8. There should be a coxswain in every scull, even the singles, and the coxswains should all be equipped with those huge drums like in Ben Hur, to help the rowers get the rhythm.

9. Anyone can hit a stationary target. Archery contestants should line up along the track. In the early heats they shoot at the race walkers and in the finals they shoot at the 100-meter dashers. It wouldn't be dangerous to the runners because they would wear plastic targets and the arrows would have suction cup tips.

10. I don't think it's right that they have cameras in the ladies' showers at the diving venue. One of these days someone's gonna do her last dive and absent-mindedly take off her suit before showering.

11. The rhythmic gymnastics apparatus (ribbon, ball, clubs, rope, and hoop) should be replaced with funnel, egg & spoon, frisbee, stepladder and parrot.

12. It would be easier for the spectators in the back rows to see the balance beam competition if the beam were about forty feet high.

13. Water polo would be much more exciting if the participants were in those bumper boats, like they have at the state fair. I can't believe no one else has thought of that one.

14. Chariot races, but instead of horses, cheetahs.

15. Instead of swimming pools, the divers should dive into those containers of plastic balls like they have at Chucky Cheese. Make the balls transparent so the below-surface cameras can see the divers' entries. It would be like a kaleidoscope.

Face-Lift 1053

[Not sure if "Guess the Plot" is worth playing with fake queries, but there are a couple titles now in the queue if you wish to pen a fake plot. Meanwhile, the query below arrived without a title, so . . . ]

Evil Editor--

I speak to you as a peer and not as a mere supplicant.

Since my earliest days I have been destined for greatness. Born apart from other men, my strength, knowledge and mastery the forces which bind all together have been unequaled.

My story is one of love, yes; and betrayal, pain and loss. But I have survived, and conquered my greatest tormentor.

I suggest that you will be wise enough to do what others less like ourselves will not dare to do, and publish my memoirs. Not only for us, but for children, and their generations yet unborn.

Sincerely,

Lord Darth Vader

The Dickens Pitch Session

Click strip to enlarge.

Writing Exercise

EE, is it time for fake queries again? A writing exercise? Something? Anything? 

I suppose the best way to get through the summer drought in queries and openings is another query-writing exercise, allowing me to post fake queries when we have no real ones. So . . .

You are a well-known person or animal, living or dead, fictional or real, who has just completed your memoirs. Write a query letter that's sure to get me to request the manuscript. 250 words max. Submit as a comment to this post. Humor appreciated.

Success Story

Lapsed minion (and contributor to Evil Editor Teaches School) Kiersten White has a book out, titled Endlessly. It's the third book of a YA trilogy. Long-time minions may remember Kiersten as the author of numerous cartoon captions, including:





...as well as numerous writing exercises, including this "Write Like Poe" exercise, in which she apologizes for abandoning us and makes an empty promise to return to minionhood.

Here's another sample of Kiersten's best work.

And one of her film screenplays.