Evil Editor's Blog, page 151

New Beginning 979

“Out of time, out of options. Where you going to hide this time?”

The voice sounded like it was coming from the alley several meters ahead, but Gwen knew better. She whirled around and grabbed Rylask by one of his skinny necks, pinning the Grelund against the nearest wall.

“I’m not in the mood for this tonight. When I let go, you better run as far and fast as you can,” she growled.

The alien laughed with his left mouth while his right continued to gasp for air against the punishing grip of the young woman. One eye stalk swooped down and back up in an insolent gesture, taking in Gwen’s filthy uniform and her tangled hair. “Don’t think I’m the one who should be worried about running. Maybe you can kill me, but you’ll still be stuck here all alone. Maybe you should learn who your friends really are.”

Rylask's fifth tentacle snaked up to adjust the paper hat on Gwen's head. "I'm the only one left who'll work the drive-through during your midnight shift," he sneered.

The restaurant's back door banged open and a Grelund head poked out, eyestalks rigid with anger. "Both of you, quit hiding out here. Break time's over, I'm leaving, and those triffids aren't going to fry themselves."

Gwen released Rylask's neck. "Yes, sir," she said meekly. If she lost this job her parole officer would have her head. One of them, anyway.


Opening:.....Continuation: IMHO

Comic Strip 81

Click strip to enlarge.

Face-Lift 1090

Guess the Plot

The Devil's Daughter

1. Kelly Osbourne spends her days torturing souls at her father's command, but what she really wants is to be a reality TV star in America. When she gets asked to join the cast of Dancing with the Stars, will she break ties with the old man?

2. Don has been searching for the daughter of the devil himself. He's been searching for an angel in white. He's been waiting for a woman who's a little of both. But when he tries to feel her when there's no one in sight, there's hell to pay.

3. The Time Traveler's Wife has been foolin' around. But proving it is going to require the DNA test from Hell.

4. Lucia Satania has been having strange urges. She suddenly wants to be honest, compassionate, and helpful! What's happening to her? If she doesn't do something extra evil soon, she'll lose her status as the evilest girl in school.

5. The Devil knocks up some woman while possessing the body of some hot guy. The pregnant woman, shunned by her Amish family, finds herself in a New Jersey walk-up, surrounded by a group of devil worshippers waiting for her foretold daughter to be born. Also, a priest who throws himself out of any handy window at the first sign of demon possession, but always manages to survive.

6. Abby feeds and cares for orphaned and injured wildlife. A state wildlife agent arrests her because she lacks a license which she can’t get because of a prior conviction from her wild youth. Before her court date, she abducts the agent, cuts him up, and feeds him to her bear friends. Detective Dale Lincoln follows wild bears to collect evidence from their feces but then falls in love with Abby. It’s unbearable.

7. Hi! My Name is Allemortis. I like warm nights by the fire, walks by the lava, and holding hands while watching explosions. You're any male of age who isn't afraid to try new things. My place is really easy to get to--I'm sure you've been told to come here lotsa times! LOL! CYA!



Original Version

Lucia Satania leads the perfect life. All of her frenemies loathe and adore her, her teachers fear her, and creating mischief is as easy as breathing. She’s growing eviler by the day-- as is to be expected of the devil’s daughter.

But since her sixteenth birthday she has been having these strange… urges. She suddenly wants to be honest, compassionate, and helpful even (shudder). [even (shudder) helpful]. The other day she helped an elderly woman walk across the street, as opposed to letting her get run over like she should have. What was she thinking? [Helping an elderly woman cross the street is awfully cliche and boring for your example. Besides, she can't know the woman would have been run over without her help. Also, gleefully letting an elderly woman get run over is a different level of evil from the "creating mischief" mentioned in the first paragraph. The tone seems a bit light if we're supposed to think that up to now she's been taking delight in witnessing people's deaths. If you keep the street-crossing example, I'd remove the "as opposed to..." phrase. Or switch to something like, Why, just the other day she went to the salon to have her horns polished, and didn't even park in a handicapped space!]

Now she’s losing her status as the evilest girl in school, [Is this a school for evil kids?] her mother wants to disown her and her priorities are all messed up. Lucia must do something extra evil to get back in everyone’s bad graces, [If she attends a school for the evil, doing something extra evil would probably get her in everyone's good graces. If it's not a school for the evil, why hasn't she been expelled?] but her risky plan unearths a secret from her mother’s past that just might change the game forever. [Vague. If necessary I can live with only knowing Lucia's plan or only knowing Mom's secret, but you have to give us something.]

The devil's daughter is a ya fantasy complete at 70,000 words.


Notes

This is all setup until you get to the risky plan, about which you reveal nothing. How about starting:

Lucia Satania is the devil's daughter, but she isn't even the evilest girl in her school! Not anymore. Ever since her sixteenth birthday, Lucia has been having these strange… urges. She suddenly wants to be honest, compassionate, and (shudder) helpful. The other day she stayed after school and cleaned all the blackboards without even being asked! (How could she have known those math problems were supposed to stay up?)

With her mother threatening to disown her, Lucia knows she must do something extra evil to win back her reputation.


That leaves plenty of room to fill us in on how Lucia deals with her situation. 

Update

Here's the situation with Evil Editor Strips, a full-color, 100-page, 160-strip collection of comic strips starring Evil Editor.

First of all, the price. Before embarking on this project, I looked into various photo-book manufacturers. They charge the same for comic strips as for photos. Most of them set a price for an 8 inch by 8 inch/20-page book, and charge more for bigger dimensions, and add (in most cases) $1.00 for each additional page (in the 8 by 10 size). Thus the price for one copy of this book worked out to:

Photobook America: $100
Snapfish: $105
Printerpix: $80
Shutterfly: $105
Picaboo: $105
Blurb: $38

Blurb doesn't charge $1.00 for each additional page over 20, they up the price by about 4 dollars for each additional 20 pages. All of these companies run special deals from time to time, 40% off, or free shipping, but Blurb is still lower, even at full price. And they offer volume discounts starting at 7 copies. Plus, I went to the sites of several of these places and found that Blurb's system was the easiest to work with. It was a no-brainer to go with Blurb.

I ordered a 60-page book to check the quality, which was excellent, then when I had enough strips for 100 pages I ordered again as a proof. Still fine, but I improved the artwork on most of the strips, made some of them funnier, and then ordered 15 copies. A couple for me, a couple as gifts, and a few for those minions who buy everything I publish.

Unfortunately, for some reason that the Blurburati haven't been able to figure out, one of the strips seems to enlarge itself somewhere in the process, so that only half of it fits on the page. The strip is supposed to look like this:

Click to enlarge.




But instead it looks like this:


Blurb is replacing the books for me, and if no one there can figure out why that comic strip keeps screwing up, I'll replace it with another before they print. Meanwhile, I have 15 copies of a book that I would normally sell for over $35 just to break even, and I see a golden opportunity. If I can get $10 a copy for these books, I'll recoup the money I spent on proofs, and I can cut the price I charge for the perfect copies when they arrive. And those of you who would never consider spending $38 on a book of comic strips, which is most of you, might be tempted to get it, if only to cut out your favorites and stick them on the door to your office or the wall behind your writing desk the way computer professionals and cubicle workers do with Dilbert cartoons. These are comic strips that only you, as writers, can truly appreciate. It's sort of like if you find Marmaduke funny, it can only be because you own a giant dog.

I could have used an exacto knife to remove the offending page; that would also remove more than the one offending cartoon, but if I managed to cut it close enough, no one would have known the difference. Or I could have ignored the problem, trusting that readers would assume the cartoon was funny and refuse to admit they were too stupid to get the joke. Another possibility is that I can get a Sharpie pen and draw a black line down the right side of the strip, and add speech or thought balloons. In fact, if we can come up with a good joke for the current two-panel cartoon, the book will have no defects. I'll have to up the price to $20, but you'll be able to gift it after you read it.

So the first step is to see if we can make that cartoon strip funny. Then I'll add the book to the store. Send your caption suggestions as comments.

New Beginning 978

Over a year ago, Earth Navy made contact with a race of aliens called Thewls. The space faring warriors sought help in a battle for galactic peace against a radically different race of aliens called Lokians, an insect-like race of monsters. The Humans and Thewls joined forces. Together, they defeated the Lokians on their home world, in subspace.

After the battle, the Humans returned to their base of operations, Horizon colony, planet Eon. In lieu of a hero’s welcome, the special operations team, led by Captain O’Hara of Earth Navy, was disbanded and reassigned. Moreover, the colony, Horizon, was shut down before it grew to be a new home for Humans traveling the stars. President of the North American Union, Montrose, was on his way to piece together the covert operation.

In truth, Montrose had ulterior motives. He was truly seeking information from the Captain, information he believed might help him escape the ever-tightening grasp of his alien overlord, Oloroc. The President arrived on Eon too late. Captain O’Hara had deserted his post. Montrose then sought out the special operations team but they had different plans in mind and with the help of retired Admiral, John Lay, and The Bureau, they were reunited with their former Captain.

Over three years ago, the special operations team had held a bowling tournament to decide the fate of the entire galaxy. Due to the Lokians' inability to hold a bowling ball with pincers and the Thewls' tendency to attack the pinsetters with spears, the humans had triumphed, ensuring peace for the next two-hundred years. Or so they thought. Montrose had rushed to the closing ceremonies, but arrived too late. Upon winning, O'Hara had promptly bailed on his team.

More than a decade ago, Montrose, at the bidding of Oloroc, had opened a hair salon in Reseda named Epoch Style. In truth, he was lying in wait, waiting for the day O'Hara would surface with his secret information about Markakian Overlord divorce procedures.

A century ago, O'Hara had ordered cable from Time Warner. Noticing O'Hara on the grid, Montrose rushed to Gum Branch, Georgia. Too late; O'Hara had already abandoned his apartment and moved into a tidy condo that would become home for hippies traveling from Winnetka to Lycus IV.


Opening: Aaron Dennis.....Continuaton: Heather

Auction ending!

 
Attention Minions:

Evil Editor is now up for bids in a charity auction to raise money for Hurricane Sandy relief. Bidding ends Tuesday at 9 A.M.

The auction is here.

Synopsis 32

Guess the Plot

For War and Glory

1. Champion Dachshund War falls hard for a lovely Great Dane named Glory at the Westminster Dog Show.

2. Hawkish college sophomore Jed Witz is hopelessly smitten with Glory Jones, chair of the campus peace group. For some reason his attempts to change her views aren't winning her heart. What to do? He can't be... For War and Glory.

3. War (short for Warington Jackson III) wants Glory. Her fingernails drive him crazy, all twelve of them. The way she runs those nails down his instep, well, he'd like to more than tip her. Glory never wants to touch a foot again. She's got a supply of synthetic nail fungus, and she's prepared to fight for her freedom.

4. The planet Gorgonia boasts a long lineage of war-loving, slug-like creatures intent upon other-world domination. Unfortunately, the world they are planning to conquer has just gained a new ally, a small Earth girl who is utterly ruthless. Can Thullu and Phtumu defeat the eight-year old, or will love for each other conquer them, and bring peace to the warring planets? Also, tips for cleaning a slime trail.

5. Billy and forty-three of his classmates, class of ’15, join the New Zealand Division following their December graduation. They are quickly trained, shipped to France, and settled in near the River Somme. At 6:20 AM, September 15th they go over the top. On November 12th, Billy and his three remaining classmates – all invalids -- are shipped home.

6. A galactic war among insectoid, reptilian, human, etc. races leads to the Court Martial of one Riley O'Hara. Also, a cyborg.

7. When Jeff finally unlocks the fiendishly tricky secret level on "For War and Glory", weird men in black are at the door, helicopters buzz the house, and his folks disappear. All he wanted was to see some video game sex. Guess that's not gonna happen now, so he might as well skip school.



Original Version

Synopsis - Lokians: Book 3  For War and Glory

Captain Riley O’Hara of Earth Navy sits before the Judge Advocate. A barrage of questions and accusations accost the young Captain regarding his recent abandonment of his Naval post. O’Hara defends himself during the Court Martial by telling his story. Several crimes were committed during his stint, including but not limited too [to], giving Human Intel to aliens, bringing in alien satellites to restore communications, dropping a race of alien, monsters in the battlefield, and kidnapping the President of the North American Union.

Gray mother ships positioned over government buildings around the world while alien hybrids took control from behind the shadows. [The last two sentences are in past tense. Is that because those two sentences are O'Hara's story at the Court Martial? Or is the whole thing his testimony?] [Also, behind the shadows? When a shadow is cast on something, that thing becomes darker, but I don't think it's behind the shadow, as the shadow isn't an object. Sometimes people are said to be hiding in the shadows. And of course it's possible to be behind The Shadow.] With Thewlian allies faring poorly after one of a precious few Carriers was destroyed, O’Hara and the remnants of his former crew must utilize NOAHH, the cyborg, to subvert alien communications, hunt down the reptilian overlord, Oloroc, remove the immense Gray vessels wreaking havoc planet side, and disavow the entire situation as The Bureau predicates.

The situation continuously deteriorates as Gray Sentinels knock out NOAHH, preventing the use of Earth’s satellite weaponry, this just after the successful destruction of a single enemy communications relay. All the while, added tons of mass on Earth distorts atmospheric pressure providing the D.O.D. an excess of difficulty while the Grays are privy to zero-gravity engines.

A temporal discordance caused by the defeat of the Lokians behind space-time alters the flow of time. This effect puts more pressure on the already wore out [worn-out] crew as they scramble through abandoned alien facilities for Intel, dodge careening wreckage in New York, and finally plan the ultimate strike against an unwavering enemy.

O’Hara focuses on one task at a time, allowing his former crew to grow and flourish on their own. With new roles for old characters comes a unified explanation tying all the races together, from the illusive [elusive?] travelers to the obscured Reptilians.

Once Lieutenant Commander Swain restores NOAHH, Fitzpatrick [Who? There's been no Fitzpatrick mentioned.] leads a ground strike on D.C. to locate and demolish the alien hybrids. Korit, the Thewl, [defeats Jabba the Hutt and then] leads a mission to destroy a Gray harvesting facility. O’Hara is forced to recruit a civilian pilot to fly into a Teragon, practically a suicide mission and The Bureau does their best to cover everything up, though they do lend quite a bit of support.

Naturally, most everything comes out into the open, at least to the D.O.D., who finally capture O’Hara and prosecute. Admiral Lay steps in to help, and President Montrose twists the truth to come out like a rose. In the end, O’Hara and crew work hard to return where everything began, planet Eon, where benevolent alien races unite to create a new system, a united, galactic front. [Not a chance.]


Author's note: (The title Lokians has nothing to do with Loki and I had not considered until after the first book was published. It's just the name I gave to the insectoid aliens.)

Notes

I note you have reptilian and insectoid aliens. Are there also amphibian, avian, and fishy aliens? Actually, that's not a bad idea. I recommend abandoning this project and writing a book in which the various classes of animals all send one champion to a competition that will determine which class gets to rule the planet. The fish, of course, would send a shark. Reptiles would send a crocodile. Mammals would probably go with a human, even though we'd be better off with a gorilla or a whale or a bear or a rhinoceros. We're too conceited to admit other mammals are better than we are at anything. Insects would go with a bee. They wouldn't have a chance. Neither would birds, although its ability to fly would make a hawk or eagle hard to catch. But birds are kind of stupid, so they'd probably send a chicken and lose in the first round. Unless it was the chicken from Family Guy.



This is just a list of stuff that happens, with little elaboration on any of it. Which probably describes most synopses, but here, almost every paragraph is a list. If you could focus the whole thing on the story arc of one character rather than bringing in such minor occurrences as dodging wreckage, destroying a harvesting facility, recruiting a civilian pilot to fly into a Teragon . . .
  
Too many characters. There's no need to throw in Swain, Fitzpatrick. Korit, and Lay if their roles warrant only one sentence. Do we need Grays and Thewls and Lokians and reptilians? Basically, there's a war going on between someone and someone else and O'Hara is given a mission? Is that the story? Or is the entire galactic war your story.

Start over. Tell us the story of O'Hara. What is his situation? What are his goals? What's preventing him from reaching them? What's he planning to do about it? The synopsis of Saving Private Ryan isn't a history of WWII.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

The Forest's Paw

1. Trees spring up in the middle of the interstate, rabbit warrens pop up mid-game on the football field. Humans are toast. After centuries of being burnt, made into furniture and eaten, Flora and Fauna have banded together for revenge.

2. When the great redwood forest is threatened by a greedy developer, Alya the fairy must convince her people to stop their eternal war with the elves and join together to keep their forest free. Also, the Wolf King.

3. Drake comes from a long line of smugglers, conmen, lumberjacks and polluting industrialists. When he decides to run for governor on an eco-platform, (un)natural disasters ensue.

4. A giant bear has been sleeping for centuries, and now, there's a whole forest growing on his back. When meddlesome hikers awaken him, can they escape... The Forest's Paw?

5. Bess is trying to protect the last earth spirit from assassins with the help of a goat-boy, but what hope do they have against the vicious vegetation, hideous harpies and murderous mermaids they encounter?

6. More people have disappeared there than in the Bermuda Triangle, so many that the area's been declared off-limits to hikers. Naturally that only inspires Brad and Chelsea to explore . . . The Forest's Paw.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

When Bess finds a tiny, half-drowned wolf cub, it seems harmless. [If she finds it in the water, I'd call it a drowning wolf cub. It's really hard to tell whether something is halfway to drowning. Depends on how long it can tread water, how long it can hold its breath, whether the clock starts as soon as it gets thrown overboard or when it goes below the surface for the last time. Now, if the cub isn't in the water, if it's lying on the shore, it's no longer on its way to drowning, and thus it's probably more accurate to say it's half-recovered from its ordeal than half drowned. We usually talk about being halfway to where we're going, not halfway from where we've left.] And it is, more or less. Unfortunately, those pursuing it are quite the opposite. Soon Bess is running from the Givers, beautiful assassins [If you're recruiting members for your organization of assassins, can you afford to be so picky that you insist they be beautiful? In other words, are there so many assassins seeking employment that you can fill your organization's ranks with just beautiful ones?] who want to kill her and capture the wolf, [They sound more like Takers than Givers.] [All Bess did was find the cub. Why do the Givers want to kill her?] who is really the last free earth spirit. They act for the Black Angels, self-appointed dictators, in an attempt to regain their magic. [Is that the Givers' magic or the Black Angels' magic?] It will mean the death of all the earth spirits, and the plants they protect, if they succeed. [If you're the last free earth spirit, and thus the only thing preventing the death of the plants, and you don't know how to swim, you have an obligation to stay away from the water.]

Bess is in too deep to turn back when she realises they’re chasing her wolf. [I'd say, Sorry wolfie, but it's you they're after. Sayonara.] Leaving her uncomfortable but once safe home, [It's already been established that she's running from assassins and that it's too late to turn back, yet now you declare that she's leaving her home?] she makes her way to the Black Angels’ lair to free the other spirits. [The other earth spirits? The water, fire and air spirits?] Along the way, she teams up with an immature goat-boy, a cheerful child, an obnoxious woman and a glowing cluster of moths. Her courage is tested as they face vicious vegetation, hideous harpies and murderous mermaids. [One list is plenty for a query; I recommend dumping the alliterative one. Mostly because the alliteration is annoying, but also because it leads me to wonder what mermaids are doing in a forest.] [You can drop the cheerful child from the other list as well, not only because of the alliteration, but because once you've mentioned the immature goat-boy, we won't care about any allies or enemies except the immature goat-boy.] [If you'd mentioned the immature goat-boy earlier, I wouldn't have been so hard on you. In fact, if the query began, When an immature goat-boy finds a tiny half-drowned wolf cub, it seems harmless, or When Bess finds a tiny, half-drowned immature goat-boy... I would have stopped reading and immediately requested your full manuscript.] That she never knew so many of the dangers even existed, that her ‘cub’ keeps growing in size, and that everyone seems to have their own secrets only further complicates matters, not to mention the love triangle Bess is unknowingly a part of. [Is the immature goat-boy part of the love triangle? Please say Yes.] [This list of complications is vague and most of the items on it don't seem like big complications anyway, and what about the immature goat-boy?]

At least she can see the ghosts of animals. That’s always useful. [This is not how to end. End with the stakes, the dilemma, the insurmountable obstacle, anything that makes us want to know more.]

THE FOREST’S PAW is a completed 67,000 young adult, fantasy novel. It is a stand-alone with series potential.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours sincerely,


Notes

I would mention either the Givers or the Black Angels as the bad guys. We don't need both in the query.

Focus on Bess's goal and her plan. I'd scrap everything after she makes her way to the Black Angels' lair, and tell us what happens after she gets there instead of what characters she met along the way.

They may not use any title you come up with, but try to come up with something that sounds like it makes sense. For instance, The Immature Goat-Boy.

Selected Comments

Anonymous said...Character development is very important and when done well the plot and the characters are inseparable. I read this query and have no idea what's going on in your story or why you chose this cast.

It would be helpful to give a bit more info about the most important characters so we know how each character contributes to the plot. Like with the Wizard of Oz -- if all we know is Dorothy is pursued by a Wicked Witch so she goes hiking with a scarecrow, a tin woodman, and a lion we have no idea why this seemingly random assortment of companions join her, what unites them, or how their presence adds to the plot. A few words about what each of them hopes to get from the Wizard helps us envision the story.


arhooley said...I'd really work on the writing.

"And it is, more or less." -- I find that uninformative and annoyingly coy.

"who is really the last free earth spirit" -- until you name the wolf cub, it should be a which, not a who.

"Self-appointed dicators" -- It doesn't matter how the dictators gained power, whether they are "self-appointed," hereditary monarchs, or voted in.

"all the earth spirits, and the plants they protect, if they succeed" -- lose the commas.

". . . a completed 67,000 young adult, fantasy novel." 67,000 young adults in your novel is a lot of characters. (But this looks like kiddie lit to me.)

You also haven't shown me the importance of these earth spirits. They guard plants? Including corn fields in Iowa? Does removing the guards mean all plants and animals on the earth will die?

As to the story itself, I'm getting kitchen sink syndrome. Mermaids, satyrs, Audreys, fighting moths, and harpies? Oh, and a love triangle plus some secret agendas. Too much.


Khazar-khum said...I'm guessing "Forest's Paw" refers to the wolf. The list of critters like fauns and mermaids makes this sound like Narnia.


Joe G said...I'm actually sort of in love with the title. It's almost as insane as everything else in this query. I want some of whatever it is you're on, author.

But seriously, folks, I'm mildly intrigued by this story. I don't know what you did to bring me on board but I could sort of see it. I'm a little worried that maybe you were throwing every cliche you could think of into the trough, but it worked for C.S. Lewis (as someone else pointed out).

You have a classic plot here that you can never go wrong with. There is something that must be protected and brought to a place of safety or destruction, and terrible forces seek to stop a fragile hero/heroine and take it from him/her. Unfortunately you never explained why the heroine cares about the wolf cub so much. You have to make us care about the wolf cub's safety or else it's all so much sturm and drang.

Can someone unknowingly be caught up in a love triangle? What? Does the wolf cub have a human form? Is it a child or her age? Please explain these things.

I'm on EE's team. The utterly evocative "immature goat-boy" puts cheerful child and obnoxious woman to shame. Come up with descriptions that summon something to our minds the way the first one does. Don't get lazy after one good phrase. I do like "a growing cluster of moths".

Just tell the plot of the story. You're in such a hurry to illustrate the level of invention on display that you forgot to tell us what happens, and it's a bit overwhelming. Also, it seems an awful lot of plot for a 67,000 word book. Does the book have time to breathe with so many characters and incidents? The first Harry Potter book is longer than yours.


Anonymous said...I liked the immature goat-boy and the cluster of moths, and that seeing ghosts is useful - all this shows imagination and voice. I like the growing wolf because that's an escalating trouble that she'll have to deal with.

I was confused by the genre. The name Bess sounds old-fashioned to me; I went in thinking she was an adult. Assassins and dictators seemed to fit this. Then the motley crew of friends and alliterative dangers showed up and I started thinking this was kid lit. Then a love triangle, and oops maybe she's adult after all? Then you tell it's young adult. Please give her age up front.

I would also like to know what an earth spirit is and what is the difference between a free one and one that is not free. And does Bess switch worlds or start off in the world where they're used to earth spirits?


Sarah from Hawthorne said...I thought this could be really interesting, but it's hard to tell from the query. My random grab bag of comments:

Why exactly does Bess decide she needs to free the other earth spirits? What makes her think she is capable of this?

This sentence: That she never knew so many of the dangers even existed, that her ‘cub’ keeps growing in size, and that everyone seems to have their own secrets only further complicates matters, not to mention the love triangle Bess is unknowingly a part of. is rather unwieldy and ends in a preposition.

I'm confused where this takes place. Your voice seems to indicate a contemporary setting (you use modern phrasing such as "not to mention" and sarcastic asides) but at the same time Bess seems to be traveling through a wilderness, not through the modern world.

Hope this helps!


no-bull-steve said...something about this interests me...not my normal type of story, but there's certainly a market for it. I agree with most suggestions so far. Keep honing it with the focus on the MC, what the perils are and what happens if she doesn't succeed.

Love immature goat boy.


chelsea said...I'm with EE - I'm definitely hoping the goat boy is less of a Mr. Tumnus type character and more of a sexy satyr love interest.

I liked this premise a lot. The wolf, the goat-boy, the scary vegetation - all of these sparked my interest. I just think the query needs to be streamlined a little bit.

I think you could get most of the query's key points into the first paragraph (combine Givers and Black Angels, combine running from the bad guys and leaving her uncomfortable home). That frees up the second paragraph to tell more about the progression of the book. Oh, who am I kidding, I'm just hoping to hear about this love triangle.

I did get a bit of a middle grade feel from this, so I think adding in Bess' age and talking a bit more about the love triangle would give it that YA feel. Also, you can just say "YA fantasy".

Just my opinion, of course. Looking forward to the rewrite :)


Author said...to archooley
I said they were self-appointed dictators because I thought it said something about their character, but do you think that is not really important?

Thanks for the helpful comments everyone. Reading through them I can see how the query is completely confusing. This will get a complete reworking (but the immature goat-boy will stay in don't worry!) I'll post it up when I'm done


Author said...Hello people. Not sure if anyone will still be lurking here but I thought I'd post my revision here before going to phoenix :)

I tried to keep in the bits people liked and get rid of the kitchen sink, but now I'm worried it spends too much time on the set up.

Fifteen year old Bess is collecting water when she finds a half-dead wolf cub. She names it Shamrock and takes him home to recover; unaware he was being followed.

The ones chasing Shamrock are assassins named the Givers. They can control mortals through their beauty, and soon Bess’s entire village is eager to help them find her. By aiding Shamrock, Bess has unintentionally become his accomplice. She is forced to flee for her life.

She finds an ally in Grack, an immature goat-boy, when he saves her from a deranged field. He wants revenge after the Givers destroyed his village. Shamrock reveals himself as an earth spirit, a being that enables plants to grow, trapped as a wolf by the Givers. They plan to capture earth spirits to harness the magic for themselves, despite knowing this would destroy the world’s plant life.

The group decides to free the captured earth spirits, hopefully destroying the Givers in the process. The further Bess travels from her human village, the weirder the people and monsters become and the bigger Shamrock grows. Bess realises she can see the ghosts of animals, not that she can think of any use for this ability.

Grack thinks Bess gives Shamrock a bit too much attention. Shamrock feels the same way about him. Bess just wants to know why there’s a cluster of moths following her around.

Thanks for all your help, evil or otherwise.


Evil Editor said...A few minor problems to fix before going to Phoenix:

Get rid of "when he saves her from a deranged field." It will bother readers without an explanation.

Now that it's just Bess and goat-boy, change "The group decides..."

The query should build toward rescuing the spirits, the plan, the obstacle. Finishing with the ghosts and the love triangle and the moths feels like it's petering out.


Author said...Thanks for your comments Evil. I have left the rest pretty much the same except the last paragraph, I agree with it seeming to peter out. I'm worried now it seems to introduce a romantic element out of nowhere.
Fifteen year old Bess is collecting water when she finds a half-dead wolf cub. She names it Shamrock and takes him home to recover; unaware he was being followed.

The ones chasing Shamrock are assassins named the Givers. They can control mortals through their beauty, and soon Bess’s entire village is eager to help them find her. By aiding Shamrock, Bess has unintentionally become his accomplice. She is forced to flee for her life.

She finds an ally in Grack, an immature goat-boy who wants revenge after the Givers destroyed his village. Shamrock reveals himself as an earth spirit, a being that enables plants to grow, trapped as a wolf by the Givers. They plan to capture earth spirits to harness the magic for themselves, despite knowing this would destroy the world’s plant life.

They decide to free the captured earth spirits, hopefully destroying the Givers in the process. The further Bess travels from her human village, the weirder the people and monsters become and the bigger Shamrock grows. Bess realises she can see the ghosts of animals, not that she can think of any use for this ability.

Grack thinks Bess gives Shamrock a bit too much attention. Shamrock feels the same way about him. There is little time for jealousy, however, as they approach their destination. Forced to split up, Grack lies unconscious as Shamrock spars with the enemy. Alone with the spirits they were sent to rescue, Bess is torn between completing their mission or saving the one she loves.


Evil Editor said...While I'm sure romance is a selling point with YA, I don't think it's essential to mention the love triangle in the query, especially when it's a girl/wolf/goat love triangle.

You have two consecutive sentences starting with the word "they" and it's two different theys.

The seeing ghosts of animals bit can go if you aren't going to tell us what good it is.

I'd combine a few of the ideas in the last two paragraphs and add a little something else and then send to Phoenix who will suggest changing it all back.


Author said...Will do, thanks for the tips. Although it was all suspiciously helpful and not very evil.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Lullaby of Allat

1. Legend speaks of the demon-child Allat, who will bring ruin to the world should he awake. The Sacred Order of Choristers are sworn to prevent this from happening, but every year their numbers grow fewer. Can a cocky young inventor with wax cylinder technology save the day?

2. Young Sir Allat is heir to the family secret: a melody that puts its hearers to sleep for 100 years. Everyone in the kingdom is at pains to amuse him, because he has a wicked sense of ironic humor and god only knows what he'd do if somebody bored him.

3. When Dr. Alison Grayden finds a copy of the legendary Medieval poem "Lullaby of Allat" in her late aunt's safe deposit box, she's thrilled. Only--how did the manuscript, lost for 600 years, end up in a safe deposit box in Burbank? Also, a djinn.

4. For years Thea has been tormented by music in her head. But when the demon Acreosate invades, she realizes her destiny: to sing him to sleep! Right after she convinces the king to put a 13 year old girl in charge of the army.

5. When a zombie shows up on her doorstep seeking an explanation for his reanimation, Louisa is thrust into an adventure that takes her to Bulgaria and the tomb of an ancient bandit who worshiped Allat, the Mesopotamian goddess of the underworld. Does Allat's lullaby have the power to wake the dead?

6. When permanent insomnia strikes the king and queen of Khobistan, their health is at risk. Then a troubadour named Allat arrives, claiming his songs can bring sleep--but for a price: their first-born. Is that price worth the nightmares that will accompany the . . . Lullaby of Allat?



Original Version

Dear EE:

Louisa Dove is the practical, hardworking assistant of a prominent archaeologist in Victorian era London. Things [What things?] take a turn for the strange, however, [That transitional phrase makes no sense here, as you haven't described or declared a situation in which "things" weren't strange. Quite the opposite, in fact: a female archaeologist in Victorian-era London is pretty strange to begin with. To clarify, in which of the following does the transition work:

Bob's life is so boring, the most exciting part of his day is when a telemarketer phones to suggest he switch long-distance carriers. However, his life takes a turn for the bizarre when . . .

Bob makes his living modifying unicycles so they can be ridden by people with peglegs. However, his life becomes strange when . . .] when formerly deceased pickpocket Pete Daggney [Never use terms like "formerly deceased" or "undead" when you can instead use "zombie." In fact, even if Daggney isn't a zombie, I recommend calling him "zombie-like pickpocket Pete Daggney."] turns up on her doorstep, seeking an explanation for his sudden reanimation. [He doesn't need her for an explanation. If he craves blood, he's a vampire. If he craves brains he's a zombie. And if neither of those is the case, he's the son of God.] [By the way, what makes him think she has an explanation?] An occult artifact of unknown origin is to blame, [According to him or to her?] but to undo Daggney's unfortunate state, Louisa and her mentor must track the object back to its source. [There's an artifact, and I have no idea where it came from, but I know it is responsible for turning you into a zombie and that we must track it back to its source. How does she know they must do this?]

Along the way, their journey is riddled with complications, thanks to the meddling of the charming Mr. Villiers, amature [amateur] treasure hunter and future English Earl, unexpected Bulgarian railway bandits, [No need to call Bulgarian railway bandits "unexpected." No one expects Bulgarian railway bandits.] [For that matter, no one expects Bulgarians.] and not one, but two secret societies [If one secret society is a drawing card, two is a major attraction. Of course, the more secret societies you have in one place, the harder it is for them to stay secret.] seeking the same prize. [If you mean the same prize that Louisa is seeking, I didn't know she was seeking a prize. What is the prize?] Now, Louisa is caught up in a race to locate the tomb of an ancient [Bulgarian] bandit king, before what is contained within can be used to raise an army of the dead [zombies], and threaten the sanctity of the British Empire. [Is "sanctity" the word you want? I was thinking "stability" or "security." Or "braaaaaiiiiins."]

LULLABY OF ALLAT is an updated version of the Victorian pulp serial, with elements taken from turn of the century [Turn of which century?] gothic novels and traditional scientific romance.
 
[Traditional scientific romance:


It is action-packed, fast-paced and complete at 90,000 words.


[Not part of query: Allat is a Mesopotamian goddess of the underworld, whom the aforementioned bandit king worshipped.]


Notes

Was the bandit king the king of some bandits or a king who was also a bandit? I don't see why a king would want to be a bandit or why bandits would want a king, but then I'm not Bulgarian.

Louisa goes to an awful lot of trouble to make Pete the pickpocket dead again. Assuming Pete wants to be dead again, can't they just burn him at the stake?

The first paragraph is a useful setup, but I think I'd prefer that the second paragraph focus on what's in the tomb and who wants to use it to destroy Britain than on secret societies and bandits and an annoying earl.

For those who like to keep track of such things, this is the first appearance of Bulgarians in a query since Face-Lift 280.


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...I assume Louisa is your main character, but she seems to be an also-ran in her own story. What does she want? What is stopping her? How is that resolved?

If she's an assistant, and her mentor comes with them, then we have Pete the Pickpocket who wants to be dead again, the unnamed mentor who presumably runs the expedition, handles the traveling and the investigating ... oh, and his assistant Louisa. Right now this seems to be Pete's story.


Stephen Prosapio said...First problem that needs to be solved is we need to know what Louisa wants. The query gives us no clue. Is it to become a full archeologist herself? To return Pete to the grave so he stops bugging her? Why does she have a connection with a pickpocket anyway?
Next, no need to introduce all the elements/characters into your plot. (ie the charming Mr. Whoever) unless it’s to give the query flavor.

Louisa Dove works for a prominent archaeologist in Victorian era London, but she can’t seem to make a grand discovery of her own. When a zombie pickpocket turns up on her doorstep claiming an occult artifact is to blame, she hardly sees it as her chance to be taken seriously, but determined to make a name for herself, Louisa sets out to track the object back to its source—where legend has it, contains a wellspring of infinite power, the tomb of an ancient bandit king—Evil Emperor.

The journey is riddled with complications: amateur treasure hunters, Bulgarian railway bandits, and secret societies seek the fabled power that comes from Evil Emperor’s Tomb. Louisa races to locate power source, before the not-so-charming Mr. Villiers can use it to raise an army of the dead and threaten the security of the British Empire—not to mention Louisa’s career.

LULLABY OF ALLAT is action adventure novel complete at 90,000 words.

I obviously don’t know if that’s your story, but by changing many of the sentences from the passive to the active tense and giving Louisa some purpose and direction, it should help point you in the right direction. Good luck!


alaskaravenclaw said...I think it could be Louisa's story if, in the second sentence, we got a firm sense of exactly what Louisa has done that resulted in Pete being turned into a zombie. That would make it a Louisa-driven story.
As it is it sounds painfully like that interminable chase scene in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, probably labeled in the script as "we have to run through the jungle for half an hour now, because the director says so".

IOW don't make it sound like your plot is dragging your character around. And be specific. Who wants what for what, why?

Btw, writer, do follow the link to Face-Lift 280. I think your query shares some of the same issues, and the third to last comment, the retelling of LOTR without specfics, is also instructive.


Wilkins MacQueen said...Showing it is an action packed fast paced tale is the key, telling doesn't help.


M. G. E. said...Okay, this seems like a fun story, you just need to polish your prose to a professional level. That's actually difficult to do, lord knows I'm still working on it :

This reminded me of like a femme-Indiana Jones almost, but then enough twists showed up to differentiate itself.

EE pointed out the plot holes you need to fix, but that shouldn't be impossible in this case.

The biggest problem is how all these groups at the same time end up racing for the same object.


BuffySquirrel said...

If he's a future Earl, he'll have a title of his own--he won't be 'Mr' anything.

Feedback Request

A new version of the query featured in Face-Lift 1087 is now posted in the comments there, awaiting your input.