Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Cheaters Never Win

1. Third grade isn't all it's cracked up to be for little Iggy Miller. Caught cheating on his vocabulary test, Sister Medea shows him the meanings of "torment" and "anguish."

2. Lenny and Denise have been scamming Vegas tourists for years, and finally just stole a pile of cash from the Bellagio casino in an untraceable, high-tech confidence scheme. Wait, what is the title again?

3. Muriel and Tolbert meet in Reno for a fling away from their spouses. But will this vacation end in quickie divorces or just a call at the Cash Advance window?

4. A klutz and a cop cooperate on a case, but their "cop-ulation" could keep them from catching the crooked con.

5. Lori just won the Powerball Lottery - then discovered her boyfriend playing the bongos, naked, with her sister. Can they convince her it was just a lark, or will she cut them out and keep all the winnings for herself?

6. The new high-tech security system at Purdle's Casino showed everything. But Chief of Security Brad Road wasn't ready to see what went on under the craps table with his wife and the new croupier.



Original Version

Dear Agent

I am writing to you because you sold Eileen Dryer’s novel A MAN TO DIE FOR. [Not a good start. First of all, we can discuss Eileen later, let's start with you. Secondly, if you don't know the correct spelling of Ms. Dreyer's last name, perhaps you shouldn't mention her to her agent. And lastly, the book is fifteen years old, and you've made no connection between it and your own.]
I have written an amateur detective novel set in present day Columbia, South Carolina, entitled CHEATERS NEVER WIN. My klutzy protagonist is driven to find the murderer of his best friend and client. [Amateur detectives have clients?] Incidentally, the protagonist [Incidentally, if you'd name the protagonist, you wouldn't have to keep calling him "the protagonist."] knows that an insurance policy worth $800,000 was placed on the now deceased friend. Who would want the money [Who wouldn't want $800,000?] and who would want this guy dead? [The antagonist.] [If the friend is dead, don't they know who took out the policy?] Along the way he develops a very intimate relationship (OK, they have sex) with a female cop, who helps him solve the mystery. ["Intimate relationship" was fine. Then you had to drag it into the gutter with the "S" word.] [Explaining what you obviously mean with a cute parenthetical aside in hopes that those who know what you obviously mean won't be insulted by the implication that they're too stupid to get it brings to mind this cartoon.] 

I am a member of Mystery Writers of America and the Cincinnati Writers Project. The first fifty pages of this novel were reviewed by the MWA Mentor Program. The first twenty pages of this novel were also reviewed by three editors/agents at the Murder in the Grove writing contest. [The first two sentences (at least) of this book were also reviewed by the numerous agents to whom I've previously submitted this query and the attached chapters.] All reviewers liked my novel and made only editorial comments. [Actually, what they liked was the first few chapters, and this agent doesn't care much what anonymous people thought. Also, you seem to imply that editorial comments = acclamation. Apparently you've never read any of Evil Editor's editorial comments.]

I have written a character into this novel that gets whacked in my second novel, MURDER IN MAUI. [Is it a character who gets whacked, or a novel that gets whacked?] [So, this character has no useful role in the book? It's just your signature move to include a character in each book that gets whacked in the next? Like Hitchcock appearing in his films, like Chef Ramsay with his signature dish.] [If I were a character in one of your books I'd be sweating it out, thinking, Give me some lines, some action, anything.] [Being a character in one of your books who seems to play no useful role is like being a Star Trek actor who gets sent on an away team with Spock, Kirk, and Bones. You know he's not coming back. And you know you're getting whacked in the next book.] You can contact me at my e-mail address____________ or call me at my home phone__________.

Sincerely,


Notes

I don't think there's enough here. I want more plot. What's the klutz's real job? How does he know about the insurance policy? Who are the suspects, and why are they suspects?

You summarized the entire plot without naming a single character. Although I suppose that's better than naming no character except the one you wrote into this book who gets whacked in the next book.

If this book has much in common with Eileen Dreyer's book, you can tell the agent at the end that that's why you're contacting her. We don't need to know that people have liked the beginning, or what happens in your next book.


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...'Editorial comments' could encompass anything from "Send this now" to "I noticed you write entirely in lowercase, using only umlauts for punctuation."

Leave it out. Personally, I wouldn't pick this up because your slim plot summary leaves out all stakes for the main character--you forgot to tell us why he cares about this client and why it is essential he solve the murder.

Oh, and the cutesy (OK, they had sex) makes it sound like the query was written by a giggling teenager. "Intimate relationship" says enough.


xiqay said...Given the problems with the mechanics of the writing in your query, I think you should go back to your novel and carefully check through it for similar problems. Just a thought.


Anonymous said...I think it's standard practice these days to include the actual names and places in query letters. Editors were getting so confused by every author using, "This guy went somewhere and did something."