Evil Editor's Blog, page 146

Face-Lift 1100!

Guess the Plot

The Duplices

1. Times are changing five billion years ago, even if Single-Cell Congress will not come together on a bill that would recognize multicellularity. No matter what President Amoebama proposes, those that want to duplicate themselves always cause a split.

2. Life in the city was more than the buxom farm-raised Collins twins were prepared for when they moved into the building they'd inherited from Uncle Andrew. Noisy pipes, frozen plumbing, traffic . . . then again, visits from the ultra-hunky Major twins next door made it all worth it. Also, a ghost who makes wishes come true.

3. Rhoda buys four old duplexes (or as she insists on calling them, duplices)planning to fix them up and rent them. When an arsonist burns the whole complex to the ground, Rhoda races to find a deadly secret hidden among the charred ruins before she's charged with setting the blaze herself.

4. Duplexes? Duplexii? Duplices? Two gay real estate agents argue over the wording of a want ad; an arcane inscription on an ancient Roman ruin is deciphered; a game of Scrabble ends in murder. Seemingly random events lead to an age-old conspiracy that may change everything we know about the history of Western Civilization. Also, a didactic lexicographer

5. In 2110 no humans breed. In a last ditch effort to preserve humanity, the Earth Alliance embarks on a wholesale cloning operation. Side effect? Every second clone is a homicidal maniac.

6. A veterinarian discovers that for the past decade she's unknowingly been inhabiting the body of a warrior (aka a duplices) every night while sleeping, and fighting off creatures to protect an alternate world. No wonder she's always so tired in the morning.




Original Version

The youngest of three, working as a veterinarian in the family clinic, Raven had her life drama all figured out. ["Life drama" doesn't sound right. She had her future planned out? Raven's future was set?] With a hateful half-brother and a manipulative stepmother on her heels, her biggest problems were the occasional arguments and the Sunday family lunches. [If that's as much as we're going to get about those two characters, let's drop that sentence from the query.] Till she found out she’d been leading not one, but two distinct lives for the past ten years. [I'd go with "then" rather than "till."]

Every night when she laid [lay] in here [In where?] asleep, the day started anew for her in the Essentia. In this whole new world, energy is the life giving force and balance is key to its existence. [That's pretty vague. What exactly do you mean by "energy"? Balance is the key to energy's existence?] As a shielder, her job is to fight Creatures, whose sole intent is to take hold of the Essentia and its energy supply. [If they've been trying to get this energy supply for ten years, and they still don't have it, and they're still alive, maybe energy isn't the life-giving force everyone thinks it is.] And for that, they’ve gone to war.

Only it [What is "it"?] awakened her into a duplices, one of the seven, each with a set of combined skills to be used on the front lines of the Essentia guard. In the midst of battle, she gains awareness of both her lives and must now face an enemy she once called her own. [Her own what?]


THE DUPLICES is complete at 62,000 words. It’s a young adult novel available at your request. I’m a Brazilian, an English teacher and this is my first novel.

Your attention and consideration are highly appreciated.

Sincerely,


The title comes from the main character's abilities in the other world. It's latin for double. [My research (what little research can be done without leaving my chair) indicates that "duplices" is the second-person singular present active subjunctive of duplico. That, alone, is enough to convince me I was right not to ever take a Latin class. Further investigation reveals that duplico is a verb, meaning to double. Of course I will bow to your greater knowledge of Latin (as mine is limited to ipso facto, which I've heard said but don't know what means) and assume duplices can be a noun, which is how you are using it. But even so, I would have to ask why the title is in Latin. You want a title that catches people's interest. Something like Double Jeopardy or I Was a Teenage Warrior Woman--and Didn't Even Know It!]


Notes

The plot keeps shifting between past and present tense. Do the whole thing in present.

What exactly are Raven's powers? Tell us.

If she gets wounded in battle, does she wake up with the wound? If so, how does she explain it? If not, how does she know she isn't just dreaming Essentia?

This is all setup. Raven discovers that when she's sleeping in our world, she's fighting Creatures in another. Now what's the story? Does she want to continue? Does she want out of one of her lives? How does she plan to get what she wants? What goes wrong? The energy and balance paragraph isn't telling us anything about what happens.

Don't just tell us who your main character is, make us care about her.

New Beginning 989

The anti-depressant Zoloft is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor indicated for outpatient management of depression, panic disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, premenstrual dysphoric disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder (when combined with cognitive behavior therapy). Adolescents on Zoloft have increased risk of suicide.

My doctors: Zoloft = Wonder Drug

Mom + (me + Zoloft) = suicide watch

Me + Zoloft: Eh

As in: Someone: Lottie, your hair’s pretty. Me: Eh.

Lottie, we want to skip you forward in school. Me: Eh.

Lottie, your beloved Grandpa died. Me: Eh.

Those tiny, superabsorbent, emotion-sponges soak up all the joy, all the pain, all the feelings that are part of being alive. Sometimes feelings hurt—maybe even way more than they should—but when you can’t feel anything you’re dead. Right?

Good thing not all emotions are sponge-worthy. I still have greed, sloth, envy . . . And of course gluttony. Zoloft is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor with major munchies as a side effect.

Me + Zoloft = no Oreos for you


Opening: Veronica Rundell.....Continuation: IMHO

Face-Lift 1099

Guess the Plot

Snatched

1. Benjamin, a goliathus beetle growing up too quickly on the scalp of a squirrel monkey, is pinned between finger and opposing thumb and transported toward a row of gnashing teeth. 

2. Emma Brown has been snatched... by Aliens. To save the lives of all the people on Earth, Emma must outplay creatures for whom cheating is a way of life, and win the Galaxy Go Fish Championship.

3. When your little sister's been snatched by shifters, mister, it's revenge time. Time to get your gun and take out every shifter you see. Assuming your sister finished cleaning your weapon before she was snatched, the brat.

4. Rogue government agents abduct Bill and spirit him to a secret lab. He awakes in a hospital, aware that he's been through major surgery, but strangely it is his emotions that feel most different. Only when Bill tries to use a bedpan does he realize that things are not as they used to be for him her.

5. In the woods practicing her Wiccan rites, Helen is abducted by aliens. Seems the Grand Chief would like to add a witch to his harem. Although her powers are diminished when away from Earth, she isn't giving up without a fight. Now if she could only get to her wand.

6. For Erika, Monte Carlo's all sun, surf, and shopping on Daddy's credit cards until she's snatched from the lobby of her hotel. In the hands of international arms dealers, Erika learns just how Daddy's fortune was built. Can she use her martial arts training to save herself, or will she become yet another casualty of war?



Original version

Dear Agent X,
 
The shifters stole Kara’s parents away when she was ten, leaving her and Lizzy to fend for themselves. For kids underground? That meant signing up with the military. [When Kara was ten? And her sister even younger? (I looked ahead.) What good would they be to the military? No one's gonna want to lead a squad of seven- to ten-year-old girls in taking some hill.] [Wait, I know: Kara, Lizzy, there's an army of Ken dolls heading this way. We need you to lead your Barbies into battle.] At seventeen years old, all Kara’s got left is her dad’s cottage, a heightened sense of paranoia and her kid sister. Until she spots the shifter on her first surface patrol. [That word "until" suggests that spotting the shifter has somehow changed what Kara has left.] Slate gray eyes empty of emotion and spiderlike arms [Their arms are like spiders? If these are shapeshifters, I would expect them to have arms like swords or sledge hammers or cobras.] that would rip her apart in a heartbeat, it was everything she’d imagined in her nightmares. These were the monsters that pushed humanity underground and made them terrified to step topside. [Earlier you implied that being a kid underground had something to do with the need to join the military. Now you're basically saying everyone's underground. Get rid of "For kids underground?" ]
And once one shifter is sighted, there’s [there are] more to follow.
The sergeant drops Kara on the roster of unlucky soldiers heading to the surface. [She was already patrolling the surface.] All that honor stuff is crap, but the adults lay it on heavy anyway, trying to justify sending folks to their deaths. Have to protect the borders if they want to survive. Not so easy to break to Lizzy though, that she might not come back. She heads home, expecting to find her sister curled up reading a book and not cleaning her gun like the brat was supposed to. Kara walks into an empty house.
They took her folks. They took her best friend. Now, the shifters snatched Lizzy. Fighting them isn’t enough. Kara wants revenge. [Isn't fighting them the way to get revenge? Does she have something else in mind?
]
"Snatched" is an 84,000 word YA science fiction.

Regards,


Notes

If humanity has been driven underground, how is it that Kara and Lizzie have a cottage? Do they have a white picket fence? It seems likely that if humanity were driven underground, they would put all their resources toward taking back the surface, where they can grow food, rather than settling in, building underground houses, etc.

Sounds like you've got a good tone for describing this plot, but it's a bit disorganized. Every sentence should follow logically from the previous sentence. A few of yours seem to just be tossed in at random. Tighten it up.

Feedback Request

The query featured in Face-Lift 1098 has been revised. The new version is in the comments there, awaiting your reaction.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

A Glitch in Time

1. When Glynda mistaken- ly adds time to a spell calling for thyme, she has no idea what will happen. But when bubbles start forming in the space-time continuum creating holes in history, she realizes she must fix her mistake or risk having her very existence snuffed out.

2. Lemuel Morkwort, master criminal from the future, has come back in time and threatened to blow up everything with his superbomb, unless he's made supreme ruler. Can cowardly Bill and dim bulb Walter save the world, or are we all doomed? Also, telepathic crabs.

3. When Time Magazine intern Carly Vixen accidentally replaces all references to President Bush with "Mister Poopy-Head," the vice president invites Time's Editor-in-Chief on a hunting trip. Hilarity ensues as Carly crashes the hunting party to try and save her boss from getting shot in the face.

4. Rawle Penderton finally finished coding on the top-secret Welles Project, but before he can relax, he's pulled back in. A bug has resulted in a scientific expedition being lost somewhen between the Crusades and the Revolutionary War. Now Pendleton has to go against military brass, the software management team, and a sexy saboteur as he tries to find one misspelling in fourteen million lines of code.

5. When 1 million solid gold Rolexes are made with thirteen hours on the face, quality control overseer Robyn's afraid she might be out of a job--until she starts a hot new romance with ad exec Edwin. Will their "There Aren't Enough Hours In The Day" campaign convince the world to change for them?

6. Physicist Ronnie Tate discovers that a glitch in the space-time continuum will cause November 4, 2008 simply not to exist. When he tries to alert the press, he's whisked off by the Secret Service to Area 51. Can Ronnie--aided by scientist Cindy Bigguns--escape and warn the populace?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Two twelve-year old boys find that traveling through time is not a straightforward matter in A Glitch in Time, a novel for readers in the 10-13-year-old range. [That would be a better hook if it were generally assumed that traveling through time is a straightforward matter. As it is, it's like trying to hook us by saying A teenager discovers that Canada is North of the United States in my geographical coming-of age novel, Searching for Saskatchewan.]
Walter and Bill are best friends, despite having little in common. Walter is an ace student, prone to thinking deeply before doing anything. Bill is an obsessive baseball fan, and likely to act without doing any thinking at all. [This is too general to be interesting. "Doing anything," and "likely to act," tell us little. Specific examples would get the point across just as well. Consider the lyrics to The Patty Duke Show theme song:

Meet Cathy, who's lived most everywhere,
From Zanzibar to Berk'ly Square.
But Patty's only seen the sights
A girl can see from Brooklyn Heights — What a crazy pair!

Where Cathy adores a minuet,
The Ballet Russes, and crepes suzette,
Our Patty loves to rock and roll,
A hot dog makes her lose control — What a wild duet!

See how, through specific examples we get the point that Patty and Cathy are one pair of matching bookends, different as night and day? Do you think that show would have lasted more than four episodes if the lyrics had been

Meet Cathy who deeply thinks things through,
Whenever there's something she must do.
But Patty doesn't think a lot;
She always acts without a thought — What unstraightforward opposites!

Also note that the song contrasts dances with dances, foods with foods and homes with homes. You contrast scholarship with baseball obsession. It's like saying they're different because one likes chocolate ice cream and the other likes basketball.] [Trivia note: Robert Wells, lyricist of the Patty Duke Show theme song also wrote  the lyrics to "The Christmas Song" (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire).

Their story, told in alternating first-person chapters, begins one summer morning, when they find a strange contraption that turns out to be a time machine. Soon the two of them are traveling backwards and forwards in time, and getting into all sorts of unlikely adventures. Bill finds himself tangling with British spies during the American Revolution. Walter gets captured by giant telepathic crabs in the far distant future, [This makes it sound like they're using the time machine one at a time. What's Walter doing while Bill is tangling with spies?] and is nearly thrown into a giant soup pot. [Giant telepathic crabs have notoriously bad aim. Which makes one wonder how they become the planet's dominant species in the future.] However, there is more going on than fun and games and being eaten by crustaceans. Lemuel Morkwort, a power-mad criminal from the future, is also using the time machine. [How can Morkwort get access to the time machine when the kids are zooming all over time in it?] Morkwort also has a terrible weapon -- a bomb that can blow up everything -- which he intends to use to blackmail the world into making him the supreme ruler. [Anyone can claim to have a bomb that blows up everything. Proving that it works is the hard part.]

When Bill and Walter manage to steal the bomb from him, [You'd think a bomb capable of blowing up everything would be too heavy for two kids to carry. Apparently not.] [Also, I was happier when the bomb was in the hands of Morkwort rather than a kid "likely to act without doing any thinking at all."] Morkwort retaliates by kidnapping Bill’s sister, Jenny, and taking her back to the age of the dinosaurs, where he will keep her unless he gets his weapon back. [I've got a better idea, Morkwort. Use the time machine to go back to before the kids stole your bomb, and tell yourself to put it somewhere where they can't find it. Not only is it more efficient, you don't have to worry about getting eaten by an Allosaurus.] In order to rescue Jenny and defeat Morkwort, the two boys find they have to do the impossible: Walter will have to be brave, and Bill will have to be smart. [According to my dictionary, the word "impossible" doesn't come with much wiggle room. They'd better come up with a plan B.]

Time Twist is a 80,000-word novel, [Whoa! What happened to A Glitch in Time? You forgot your own title already? Do we need to come up with a new set of GTPs now?] and the first in a projected trilogy of books about Walter and Bill. Its mixture of humor and adventure will make it appealing [will appeal] to middle-grade readers who read Lemony Snicket. It is my first novel, but I have had my short play "The Little Death" published by Heuer Publishing of Cedar Rapids.

Thank you for your consideration,


Notes

Was Morkwort just abandoning Jenny in the time of the dinosaurs?

Possibly a better hook than time travel isn't straightforward would be to mention that the boys must stop a power-mad criminal from the future from blowing up the world.

I'd start this when they find the time machine, and end the plot portion with what they specifically need to do. Being brave and smart is vague. Besides, it goes without saying that heroes should be brave and smart.

I assume there's an explanation for why the time machine is sitting there waiting for Bill and Walter to find it.


Selected Comments

Kiersten said...Nitpicky things--instead of saying your book will appeal to 10-13 year olds, just say middle grade.

Also, maybe you are actually aiming for young YA, because 80,000 words is pretty long for middle grade.

I'd jump that information up to the first paragraph so that your last paragraph can focus on you and personalization you want to add for specific agents.

You might want to be wary of comparing my book to Lemony Snicket, as this sounds nothing like his books. I know you're comparing the appeal, but I'd still avoid it. You've already said what age group it's for; the reference to Snicket is unnecessary.

Also, in the bio paragraph you have a lot of passive verbs. "I have had my short play 'The Little Death' by..." should be "My short play, 'The Little Death," was published by..."

And did anyone else read the names Walter and Bill and think Grumpy Old Men? Maybe that's just me.

But the story sounds fun and definitely action-packed.

Also, I hear that geographical coming of age stories are really hot right now...

(Loved the commentary on this one, EE.)


Sarah Laurenson said...I immediately thought of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, so maybe you should change the names to something that is not reminiscent of this or Grumpy Old Men.

It sounds like it could be a great action adventure, but there are a lot of plot holes in the query (as EE so nicely pointed out).

And you aren't leading with the strongest hook. Time travel on it's own is no big deal. Saving the world from the futuristic madman while bouncing around in time is much more interesting. Though that reminds me of Time Bandits.


pjd said...I agree with all that's said, especially the bit about "good job EE."

Downplay the time travel as it seems adventure is the crux of the book, and as EE's comments point out, focusing too much on time travel might get people distracted by the theoretical aspects of it. You want them drawn in by the adventure.

Also, unless your style and voice are very much like the Lemony Snicket series, you might want to steer clear of that. Just because a couple of kids who liked that also like your manuscript, that doesn't mean they should be compared.

Otherwise, Kiersten and Sarah make good points. And listen to the wise sage (or rather, read his blue text with great attentiveness).


writtenwyrdd said...I think there are some cool elements here, but it sounds like you have three time machines and the characters don't interact. I'm sure this is not the case, so perhaps revise the plot description so we know something of what goes on in terms of plot complications. The need to rescue the sister is fine; but what about the sister? Is she really small and helpless or can she act on her own as a not-helpless victim?

I also agree with what others said about calling it a middle grade book and not comparing yourself to Lemony Snickett.

Good luck in the revisions.


pacatrue said...
Others have covered my query thoughts already, so I'd just like to add that I prefer Time Twist to A Glitch in Time, just because the latter is way close to A Wrinkle in Time. Though this could let you name the last one FUBARed in Time.


BuffySquirrel said...Maybe it's just me, but going from threatening to destroy the whole world to keeping a little girl trapped in a primordial swamp is something of a...well. Anyway, it all strikes me as highly implausible.


Julie Weathers said...I pretty much agree with what's already been said, so no need beating a dead horse.

The bomb that will blow up the world has been done so much. I'm getting visions of Boris and Natasha here.

Having said that, setting kids off on wild adventures is fun. It's just up to the writer to make them wild and interesting as well as different.


talpianna said...I agree with the critiques here and would add that there seem to be too many adventures for one book, unless it's at least as long as a Harry Potter. I'd cut a few of the gimmicks and save them for possible sequels. Maybe getting the time machine away from the villain in this book; holding the sister hostage in the next one; and the bomb in the third one. You then have the option of a recurring villain or an assortment.


Bonnie said...Shoot, I was hoping it was going to be Glynda messing with the thyme. That sounds like fun.

Face-Lift 1098

Guess the Plot

Wild Hunt

1. Two college roommates meet a girl on spring break, and take her camping to impress her. Turns out she's a crazy murderer who drugs them and hunts them down for sport. Best spring break ever.

2. It’s the late 1960s and four coeds from Northwestern head to Fort Lauderdale for spring break. They’ll meet half a dozen frat boys from various colleges. It’s a frolicking sexual romp until young Ted Bundy arrives with a different hunt in mind.

3. Marine biologist Shane Staller discovers the ruins of Atlantis. Wait, they aren't ruins--Atlantis is a thriving civilization whose favorite pastime is the Wild Hunt, and Shane is the latest target.

4. Jill wakes in a strange forest and discovers she's being hunted by the undead. She escapes, but then finds that a bunch of thugs are trying to kill her. Has she stumbled out of one Wild Hunt and into another?

5. 16 year old Kenley Gingerbloom knew a summer on her uncle's Texas ranch would be a social disaster--rodeos, line dancing, cattle roundups. But when feral hogs injure Uncle Joe, can she and hunky cowboy Alex hunt them down before they overwhelm the ranch? Also, cute Mexicans.

6. Every spring the Wild Hunt meets in Napa, and the prey is a disgraced programmer who has to outrun the dogs and horses or suffer death, skinning and dismemberment, not necessarily in that order. Can Chaz Pacheco survive, or will his 'tail' end up on Anita Cho's wall--with all the others?

7. Nathan Gordon runs a canned hunt operation in Ararat, Texas, where his clients "hunt" surplus zoo animals and cast-off exotic pets. But when a shipment of animals arrives from a bankrupt genetic engineering company, Nathan discovers karma ain't a bitch, it's a beast.

8. A survey suggests that Bluegrass musicians Harriet, Hannah, and Henrietta Hunt are sliding in popularity. But when their wild little pole-dancing sister Heidi joins the group and adds some swang to the twang, poles immediately begin to rise!

9. In a well-armed dystopia, every public gathering place becomes a target for crazed killers. Can a well-meaning but overly-placating president face down a powerful lobby of nutty gun-strokers to save the day?



Original Version

Dear Agent,

Jillian Nicnevin wakes up in the middle of a forest, no memory of how she got there, but doesn’t have the time to worry about that. A girl identical to her, [Is she a clone? If she's a clone, call her a clone. A clone is a major hook.] and a host of undead fairies known as the Wild Hunt are in the forest, trying to kill her. [If they couldn't kill her while she was sleeping, they're never gonna pull it off now that she's awake.] She barely escapes the forest, [See?] and soon after a group of thugs make another attempt on her life. [The average thug is convinced he can take out one girl on his own; needing help from other thugs would be humiliating.] [Though not as humiliating as teaming up with other thugs and still failing to kill the girl.]

A human private investigator, Randall Caldwell, [Normally we don't bother declaring the species of a character unless he isn't human.] helps her escape, but his assistance wasn’t random. He is investigating the disappearance of Nancy Landry, the lookalike [clone] from the forest, whose disappearance may have been Jill’s fault.

To make matters worse, Randall’s son Taylor finds out she’s half-elven and wants in on the adventure, [When thugs and undead fairies are trying to kill you for no discernible reason, the degree to which Taylor wanting in on the adventure makes matters worse is negligible.] but this isn’t the place for an inexperienced human. [Inexperienced at what? It's not like Jill is experienced at being a target of thugs and undead fairies.] Attempts are made on her life from every direction, while the person responsible remains in the shadows. Her girlfriend betrays her, her family disowns her, [Why?] and the one person willing to help her is kidnapped, the ransom her life for his. A price that, if she can’t figure out how to save him, she’ll have to pay. [Why? It's not like it's her fault he's been kidnapped. As you said, his assistance wasn't random.]

Wild Hunt is a YA urban fantasy novel of 85,000 words, and the first in a planned series, but it could stand alone.

I am a member of the SCBWI living in Dallas, TX.

Thank you for your time



Evil Editor –

I have a few questions. Should I mention that my main character is a lesbian? It’s a fairly minor plot point, but maybe it would be more important to an agent (a couple other, hopefully well-meaning, people have told me gay young adult fiction doesn’t sell)? [Minor plot points don't need to be in the query. The fact that Jill is half-elven seems important. But it would sound weird to open the query, Half-elven lesbian Jillian Nicnevin wakes up in the middle of a forest. And admitting that you've named your main character Jillian Nicnevin is enough weirdness.)] 

Also, I’m sixteen. Should I mention that in a query letter? My parents thino so, and I’ll be the first to admit that admitting I’m a kid is a pretty fast way of getting special treatment, but maybe I should let the work stand alone? [Telling the agent you are sixteen will have one of three possible results:

1. I was going to request the manuscript/send a rejection slip, and learning that the author is sixteen changes nothing.

2. I was going to reject this because it isn't exciting me, but now that I know the author is sixteen, I will take it on because hey, it's a kid. Surely I can convince some publishing company to spend tens of thousands of dollars publishing it for that reason alone.

3. I loved this query so much I was planning to request the manuscript, but now that I know the author is sixteen, what are the chances the book is any good? Heck, I reject 99% of manuscripts from people with college educations and decades of life experience, and even if the kid can write, she'll be going off to college in a year or two, where she'll discover boys and never meet another deadline. Her parents probably wrote the query letter anyway.


Notes

We need the plot. The story. You've provided the main character's situation. She wakes up in a strange place and discovers that everyone and his brother are trying to kill her. Who is she? What does she plan to do about her situation? Who is the villain in the shadows? Does the detective give her any idea what's going on? Does everyone trying to kill her think she's Nancy Landry?

That Nancy Landry is identical to her is an interesting point, in that Randall knew of Nancy's existence before he ran into Jill, while Jill's family is now disowning her. If Nancy/Jill is the main plot, focus on that. Running into a private investigator who insists that she's someone named Nancy Landry is more intriguing than being hunted by one group and escaping only to be hunted by another.

How does Randall come to believe Jill isn't Nancy? If I'm searching a specific area for Nancy Landry, and I find her, and she says, There must be some mistake; my name's Jill Nicnevin, not Nancy Landry, I'm not taking her word for it. I'm taking her to the person who hired me to find her.

Establish the situation quickly, and then take us through what happens.

Face-Lift 1097

Guess the Plot

Bread in the Bone

1. A mixup of hospital and bakery deliveries leads to John Dough receiving a baking powder transplant. Dough subsequently develops bread in the bone, but learns to overcome his disability despite the constant threat of yeast infections.

2. Charlie gets his chance to compete on the popular reality show Cooking With Bone Marrow. Trouble is, Charlie recently took a vow to go vegetarian. Can he win the episode using only . . . bread in the bone?

3. Maura has cared for her mother for years. Now mum is dead, but DNA tests prove Maura wasn't really mum's daughter, so Maura doesn't inherit, so her husband Trevor's bakery won't get the cash infusion it needs to compete with the new Dunkin Donuts.

4. The day Janet opens her bakery bistro is the happiest day of her life. The next morning she finds the back door jimmied, a threatening note and two corpses in the freezer. Janet and her chef, Phyllis, a former trick-shot artist, are caught in an international smuggling war – one they know nothing about.

5. Reporter Ross McDowell's hot tip lands him in deep. Doo, that is. If the multinational corporate pirates who shanghai'd American Rawhide have gone vegan, why are they buying all those cows? Animal rights activist Alexis Garrity agrees; something doesn't smell right.

6. A geneticist takes up baking as a hobby, and one night combines it with his research into bone marrow, leading to the discovery of a way to bake bread inside bones. He must now use this knowledge to create a race of Pillsbury Doughboys in time for the upcoming Genetics Fair.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I’m seeking representation for BREAD IN THE BONE, a 95,000-word work of women’s interest commercial fiction. [You can just say women's fiction. It's considered commercial, at least among women, who are the only people who buy books.] It’s the story of a woman who’s lost her mum to dementia, then loses her again—and again.

Maura Purkins looked after her confused, cantankerous mother round the clock for eight years. Now, on the day of her funeral, no less, she finds out they weren’t even related. Bit of a shock, that. But DNA doesn’t lie. Did mum? [We are gathered today to pay our respects to the departed. But first, here are the results of the DNA tests.] [You can do without "round the clock" and "no less."]

Husband Trevor goes apoplectic: seems he’s been counting on their half of the estate to salvage his flagging bakery. [If mum is dead and Maura's in the will, what's the problem?] [Money can help a business get off the ground, but if Trevor stubbornly insists on putting raisins in the cheese danish, his customers aren't coming back.] But nothing can stop our brave heroine. Brushing aside his panicked objections, Maura presses on to solve the mystery of her origins. Through pure pluck and a smidgen of luck, she uncovers the dodgy deeds that transpired when she was just a baby. She even tracks down her birth family—though it’s something of a letdown when she perishes in an icy motorway pileup on the way home. (Remember, it was just a smidgen of luck.) Do you really think women want to invest themselves in a main character only to have you kill her off in chapter five? Maura's ghost had better appear in the next paragraph.]

But all’s not lost. Poor, grieving Trevor promptly marries Maura’s younger sister—thus acquiring both shares of the inheritance—and lives happily ever after.

What? Did you think life was supposed to be fair?[No, but that's why we watch movies and read novels: to escape into a fantasy world where good things actually do occasionally happen to good (though fictional) people.]

Some personal background: my career’s been in life sciences and for the past ten years I’ve been a technical writer. What I produce in my day job isn’t exactly great literature, but it has taught me a writer’s discipline: working to deadlines, revising, accepting editorial direction. BREAD IN THE BONE is my first complete novel.

I’ve enjoyed reading authors you’ve worked with, particularly Author A and Author B; I hope I can interest you in [declaring me Author H and publishing] my book as well. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours, etc.


Notes

You seem to suggest that mum left half her estate to Maura, on condition that Maura prove with DNA that she is mum's blood relation. Is there some law against leaving something to the person you want to have it?

Why do you consider a book in which the heroine dies and a man ends up the big winner to be "women's interest" fiction?

The tone of the query is somewhat light for a book in which the MC spends eight years caring for a dementia-stricken parent and then dies in a car wreck. Is that the tone of the book itself? If the book isn't funny, you're giving the wrong impression. If the plot is amusing, you might toss in a couple examples, rather than just getting this across through tone.

Feedback Request

The author of the query featured in Face-Lift 1094 has posted a new version in the comments there, and awaits your reaction.

Face-Lift 1096

Guess the Plot

Sir Celery and the Hornworm

1. Sir Celery stalks a killer hornworm in order to dig up some dirt. He'll have to pull some strings in order to produce the evidence he needs, though he risks soiling his own reputation. Meanwhile, the hornworm eats, shoots and leaves.

2. When a hungry hornworm spies Lady Tomato, he thinks he might not starve to death after all. But he didn't know the Knights of the Veggie Table used chemical warfare. Sir Celery to the rescue!

3. An elderly celery stalk undertakes a quest to rid the world of hornworm. He and his aid, a carrot, are mount their guinea pig chargers, Chipper and Daisy. The vegetable pair are armed with a fondue skewer and plastic cocktail swords. All goes well until Chipper’s and Daisy’s stomachs growl.

4. Sir Celery was disliked by the rest of the vegetables. He was stiff, stringy, and enjoyed peanut butter way too much for the rest of the garden denizens. Until the hornworms moved in, and Sir Celery was the only stalk with the backbone to take on the death-eaters in green-blooded battle. Also, tomatoes with relationship issues.

5. An aging singer, with the punk rock band Sir Celery and Mr. Hornworm, tries to make a last go of it on the road. There, he meets a young man who has his eye on music success. What lessons will the old singer share?

6. Scotland Yard Detective Jack Celery is knighted for service to the Queen. Now, with his trusty second, Sergeant Hornworm, they'll tackle their toughest case yet. Some fiend has been mutilating Post and Kellogg deliverymen. It’s history’s first cereal killer.

7. One writer bets another one hundred dollars he can stump EE and the minions with the most inane title ever. The minions are unimpressed.

8. Craft mezcal producer, Juan, cheapens his product by replacing the maguey worm with hornworm. All goes well until a drug cartel boss’s moll drops a celery stalk into her Margarita. The worm turns and attacks the celery. The moll pukes all over the boss’s fifty-thousand dollar antique loveseat. And pieces of Juan are strewn about Oaxaca.



Original Version

Dear EE,

Deep within The Garden a battle for survival rages.

The deadly hornworm has arrived and threatens to drain fair Lady Tomato of her very life. Valiant Sir Celery, a Knight of the Veggie Table, hears her cries and strives to save her. [Spoiler alert.] Quick-thinking and organic chemical warfare defeats the hornworm moments before Lady Tomato’s skin is pierced. [Thus saving her virtue.]

Sir Celery and the Hornworm (715 words) is a garden adventure (think “Veggie Tales meets Camelot”) for children aged 4-7. Non-fiction facts at the conclusion describe ways farmers use intercropping to organically protect against insect infestation and crop loss in age-appropriate terms. [You had me at Sir Celery. You lost me with intercropping.] [Now if the hornworm has his way with Lady Tomato, and the moral of the story is that the gardener should have used intercropping, okay.] The subject matter lends itself to development into a series [in which Sir Celery will take on such fearsome villains as mealy worms, earwigs, and an aphid named Anthony].

As an avid gardener and a former college biology teacher, I hope my vegetable heroes [such as Baron Broccoli, Captain Eggplant, and The Cucumber Kid] will nourish the nature-curious reader while fostering positive attitudes that facilitate [encourage] a healthy diet. [And not attitudes like, I'm not eating Sir Celery! Who else will take on the evil hornworms?!!] [Or the attitude that it's acceptable to use weapons of mass destruction against those who are just trying to avoid starvation.]

I am a member of SCBWI and received an Honorable Mention in Writer’s Digest’s annual competition (2011). [The fact that they call it an Honorable Mention doesn't make it worth mentioning.] I had the pleasure of hearing your presentations at SCBWI Illinois’ Prairie Writer’s Day and appreciate the opportunity to submit this manuscript for your consideration. I hope Sir Celery suits your taste. Thank you very much for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

Cute. And it's a lazy agent who will refuse to look at a 715-word manuscript. Or at least to request sentences.

Is the intercropping appendix part of the 715 words? I'm inclined to advise leaving out the intercropping, at least from the query. You could still offer it as an optional addition with the manuscript. Although . . . Your goal (you say) is to promote a healthy diet. Or is it to encourage intercropping or to give advice on pest prevention?

Is there anything in the plot that suggests we should eat more celery? I ask only because when children's books feature talking bunnies and duckies with human names, it doesn't encourage kids to eat those animals.

We need an avid entomologist to write a book in which sweet naive Henry Hornworm is gassed by an army of evil celery stalks. Apparently whichever character gets a cute name is the one we side with.

Face-Lift 1095

Guess the Plot

Sir Celery and the Hornworm

1. Sir Celery stalks a killer hornworm in order to dig up some dirt. He'll have to pull some strings in order to produce the evidence he needs, though he risks soiling his own reputation. Meanwhile, the hornworm eats, shoots and leaves.

2. When a hungry hornworm spies Lady Tomato, he thinks he might not starve to death after all. But he didn't know the Knights of the Veggie Table used chemical warfare. Sir Celery to the rescue!

3. An elderly celery stalk undertakes a quest to rid the world of hornworm. He and his aid, a carrot, are mount their guinea pig chargers, Chipper and Daisy. The vegetable pair are armed with a fondue skewer and plastic cocktail swords. All goes well until Chipper’s and Daisy’s stomachs growl.

4. Sir Celery was disliked by the rest of the vegetables. He was stiff, stringy, and enjoyed peanut butter way too much for the rest of the garden denizens. Until the hornworms moved in, and Sir Celery was the only stalk with the backbone to take on the death-eaters in green-blooded battle. Also, tomatoes with relationship issues.

5. An aging singer, with the punk rock band Sir Celery and Mr. Hornworm, tries to make a last go of it on the road. There, he meets a young man who has his eye on music success. What lessons will the old singer share?

6. Scotland Yard Detective Jack Celery is knighted for service to the Queen. Now, with his trusty second, Sergeant Hornworm, they'll tackle their toughest case yet. Some fiend has been mutilating Post and Kellogg deliverymen. It’s history’s first cereal killer.

7. One writer bets another one hundred dollars he can stump EE and the minions with the most inane title ever. The minions are unimpressed.

8. Craft mezcal producer, Juan, cheapens his product by replacing the maguey worm with hornworm. All goes well until a drug cartel boss’s moll drops a celery stalk into her Margarita. The worm turns and attacks the celery. The moll pukes all over the boss’s fifty-thousand dollar antique loveseat. And pieces of Juan are strewn about Oaxaca.



Original Version

Dear EE,

Deep within The Garden a battle for survival rages.

The deadly hornworm has arrived and threatens to drain fair Lady Tomato of her very life. Valiant Sir Celery, a Knight of the Veggie Table, hears her cries and strives to save her. [Spoiler alert.] Quick-thinking and organic chemical warfare defeats the hornworm moments before Lady Tomato’s skin is pierced. [Thus saving her virtue.]

Sir Celery and the Hornworm (715 words) is a garden adventure (think “Veggie Tales meets Camelot”) for children aged 4-7. Non-fiction facts at the conclusion describe ways farmers use intercropping to organically protect against insect infestation and crop loss in age-appropriate terms. [You had me at Sir Celery. You lost me with intercropping.] [Now if the hornworm has his way with Lady Tomato, and the moral of the story is that the gardener should have used intercropping, okay.] The subject matter lends itself to development into a series [in which Sir Celery will take on such fearsome villains as mealy worms, earwigs, and an aphid named Anthony].

As an avid gardener and a former college biology teacher, I hope my vegetable heroes [such as Baron Broccoli, Captain Eggplant, and The Cucumber Kid] will nourish the nature-curious reader while fostering positive attitudes that facilitate [encourage] a healthy diet. [And not attitudes like, I'm not eating Sir Celery! Who else will take on the evil hornworms?!!] [Or the attitude that it's acceptable to use weapons of mass destruction against those who are just trying to avoid starvation.]

I am a member of SCBWI and received an Honorable Mention in Writer’s Digest’s annual competition (2011). [The fact that they call it an Honorable Mention doesn't make it worth mentioning.] I had the pleasure of hearing your presentations at SCBWI Illinois’ Prairie Writer’s Day and appreciate the opportunity to submit this manuscript for your consideration. I hope Sir Celery suits your taste. Thank you very much for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

Cute. And it's a lazy agent who will refuse to look at a 715-word manuscript. Or at least to request sentences.

Is the intercropping appendix part of the 715 words? I'm inclined to advise leaving out the intercropping, at least from the query. You could still offer it as an optional addition with the manuscript. Although . . . Your goal (you say) is to promote a healthy diet. Or is it encourage intercropping or to give advice on pest prevention.

Is there anything in the plot that suggests we should eat more celery? I ask only because when children's books feature talking bunnies and duckies with human names, it doesn't encourage kids to eat those animals.

We need an avid entomologist to write a book in which sweet naive Henry Hornworm is gassed by an army of evil celery stalks. Apparently whichever character gets a cute name is the one we side with.