Evil Editor's Blog, page 144

Fake Query 3

Face-Lift 552, GTP #6

Jane Doe remembers turning the cut-glass knob of the wooden shop door. She remembers walking into the old Victorian converted to a thrift store in Spruce Hill, Colorado. Before that, there is nothing.

The ladies at Daughters of Mercy Secondhand are used to helping lost souls, and they quickly find a volunteer to drive Jane to the state mental hospital in Pueblo. There, a sharp-eyed security guard sees that the woman on Jane's driver's liscense isn't Jane. The woman, Yolanda King, only bears a resemblance to the amnesia patient. Jane feels she should have known she wasn't Yolanda, but when she looks in the mirror, she is shocked to see a total stranger.

Doctor Ben Shelby takes on jane as a client, pro bono. The doctor doubts this is a genuine case of retrograde amnesia and suspects that Jane has stolen Yolanda's identity and is faking the illness to avoid prosecution for some crime. A preliminary police investigation seems to confirm this- the real Yolanda King was found dead under suspicious circumstances. When Jane tells the police she doesn't remember meeting Yolanda, Shelby decides to get to the bottom of this certain murder.

Then a strange anomaly on Jane's MRI scan prompts the doctor to look a little closer. What he first takes to be a double image turns out to be more than a simple medical man like Shelby ever bargained for.

It will take all the doctor's skill to pry open the door Jane envisions in her mind. It will take all her determination to hold it shut. She doesn't know what will happen when it opens, but she senses it- and she's terrified.

The Amnesia Door is a 100,000 word psychological thriller about a woman who loses her mind and finds someone else's. Thanks for your consideration.


--AA

Notes

These queries for nonexistent books seem better than the ones we get for actual books. I'm thinking everyone should do this exercise and then write the book in their query.

S.J. Watson's Before I Go to Sleep is a psychological thriller involving amnesia, and well worth your time.

Fake Query #2

Facelift 778, GTP 6.


Dear Call Yourself Evil,

Cifer's toilet is blocked, his tap drips and his landlord won't answer the phone. He's gone down in the world all right - all the way from Heaven to Toledo. And he can bet the landlord will get responsive as soon as that hastily-materialized first-and-last deposit returns to its constituent elements.

Shit, Cifer's mad as hell and hellbent for revenge. When the landlord shows up, Cifer stuffs her into the blocked toilet and takes over the building himself. As the fallen angel signs up new tenants, to his surprise one of the first applicants is a badly disguised Archangel. Is Gabe here to spy, or is he a malcontent ripe for the picking?

When Cifer hands out leases to a tone-deaf beginning violinist, an editor with an unbroken rejection record and a zombie nun, Gabe brings home a partying steel drum band and turns his bathroom (it was the one with the blocked toilet) into a lava lake. Seeing his opportunity, Cifer goads his rival into an an ever-increasing spiral of evil, hoping to look the golden boy to God by comparison.

By the time Gabe has founded a factory that makes elliptical billiard balls and replaced the contents of all the world's novels with mystical German sermons, Cifer is gleefully planning his repentant, prodigal return to Heaven. After all, he's even resisted shoving Sister Maria Hubert into the lava (she keeps using it to bake brain cookies). Father will take him back. Won't He?

BOUND AND FALLEN is an urban paranormal about revenge, family, and the founding of Hell. It's currently incomplete, at the gleam in my twisted eye stage. Thanks for reading to the end.

--Tk


Notes

What are you waiting for? It's sure to be better than whatever you're actually working on. Although you might want to flush the toilet part.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

The Last Ride

1. An aging cowboy on his last cattle drive, from Texas to Ogallala, Nebraska, plans to stampede the herd and throw himself under it--until he falls for a saloon owner during a rest stop outside Oklahoma City. Is it ever too late for romance?

2. Abandoned at age eight on a carnival ride, Sandra Fforde now studies mechanics by day and destroys carnival rides by night, both with unmitigated success. How? She made a deal with Satan. The complication? Jordan Wong, and the tunnel of love.

3. When Toni and Maurice tell conman Vinni Finch they're taking him for a ride, he offers to drive. Three state lines later he's convinced them to be his partners. But their current mark has an ace in the hole: Boss Martini wants his best muscle men back.

4. Jeff is supposed to get the kids once a month, but Julie wouldn't let him have them the last three months. Now he's taken them to Disneyland, the fireworks have finished, the kids are surly and the lines are long. And when the boat stalls on "It's a Small World," Jeff finally snaps.

5. When the angel Gabriel's wife dies, he decides it's time to start the apocalypse. But the four horsemen have settled down with good jobs and lives, and they don't want a depressed angel screwing it all up. So they saddle up and prepare for what may be . . . The Last Ride.

6. Charon has taken multitudes on their last ride. And he's sick of it. He announces that anyone who needs to cross the Styx after Thursday had better bring along a canoe. When Hades gets word of what's going on, the storm clouds start brewing.


Original Version

Dear Agent Acrimonious:

I'm writing to you because I've enjoyed [some recently published books] by [authors you represent], and believe you may be interested in The Last Ride, my 90K work [Apparently K has become an abbreviation for thousand-word.] of humorous fantasy. [You should probably put the part where you claim you loved the books you never read by the authors you never heard of more toward the end of the query.]
When Gabriel Seraph's wife dies, he gives up on life. All life. Because Gabriel is THAT Gabriel, messenger of God and the angel sent to earth sixty years ago to bring about the apocalypse. Now that he's got nothing to live for, he's going to finish the job. [You'd have to be a pretty benevolent boss to put up with an employee who takes sixty years to start a project you assigned him. That or the angels have one powerful union.]

But he's not the only one with a say in the matter. The four horsemen are also on earth. Death owns a funeral parlor, Famine runs a food bank, Pestilence works at the Center for Disease Control and War is a peace activist.
 
[Famine: I've prevented thousands from starving. 
Pestilence: I've cured cancer. 
War: I'm working for peace on Earth. 
Death: Man, you guys are killing my profit margin.]

They're quite happy with the lives they've built for themselves, and they're not about to let a disillusioned angel wreck it all. 
While Gabriel sets out to recover the seven vials of God's wrath, the four horsemen saddle up for the bumpiest ride of their existence.

The manuscript is complete and available on request. My short stories have appeared in [print]. Should you require more information about me, I maintain a blog at [hollywood & vine] and my web page is [sorely in need of an update]. [More information about you isn't required at this time.]
Thanks for your time.


Notes

This sounds good. Funny and clever idea. Of course the plot summary is all set-up, so you might want to throw in some details, like where the vials are, how the horsemen plan to stop Gabriel, etc. Especially if it's amusing, something like:
As Gabriel sets out to recover the seven vials of God's wrath, guarded for centuries by the senile cyclops of Sargasso, little does he suspect that the horsemen have recruited Aquaman to assist them and will soon set out on the bumpiest ride....


Selected Comments

Eric P. said...The query itself looks pretty good. Angels being married is probably inaccurate, biblically speaking (Mark 12:25 if you like), but presumably in a story that features the Spirit of War as a peace activist, you needn't concern yourself too much with such niceties.

A few more plot details would be welcome; "the bumpiest ride" on its own leaves a bit to be desired.

Apocalyptic humor is a very clever idea, and the concept looks like it should be fun here. May we hope for some playful digs at Left Behind and similar biblical potboilers?


Dominique said...It sounds like an interesting read.

I do have one question. Who is Gabriel's wife? If she's mortal, that implies that she's human. Last time the sons of God (angels) went unto (took for their wives) the daughters of man (human women) they fell from grace with God. So, how does that all work, exactly? You don't really need to explain that for the query to function, but it did create a 'say, what?' moment for me.


Steve Wright said...So far, it looks like a comedy version of The Prophecy - which is not necessarily a bad thing, if you can pull it off. But it would probably help to have more information about the plot, as well as the set-up. It's not very long right now; there's probably room to fit in a short paragraph about the storyline.


wendy said...This is a compelling story. Setting it within a biblical context instantly increases the level of tension. There may be some kick back, though, from those who are not amused with a parody of the end of the world.

I'm not an agent or an editor so take my next statement with a grain of salt. The overall tone of your query seems flippant and that makes me doubt your skills. Actually, it makes me doubt that you're done with the story too. I don't know why that is, sorry.

EE made a very valuable observation in pointing out that your query lacks detail. I think it lacks important details regarding character motivations. To me it looks like you've got one "almost character" in Gabriel and three more cardboard cut outs. We need more (but not more words). Some of the "how" would be nice too.

Good luck on your story. This is a book I might pick up. I'd probably even buy it if it looked like it was fully realized.


Dave F. said...Your query should start where your current query ends. Try starting out with something like "The road to the Apocalypse is filled with peril. Not so much for the mortals waiting to be judged but the four horsemen have been dogging it and boy, are their asses dragging."
What makes their journey so memorable and how does it prevent the apocalypse? This sounds like a light and fluffy satirical romp. It needs a light and fluffy query. You started out in the right direction, keep going.


Anonymous said...What they said. I agree that this set-up has amusing qualities but the query somehow gives me doubt about whether the narrative plays out in a way that fully realizes the potential. I think consistent tone and subtle irony would be best.

I've written at least 1200 GTPs, many of which also had amusing qualities, so I'm a lot less impressed with clever plots than I used to be, and a lot more impressed with good execution.


Adam Heine said...I like the introduction of Gabriel, but I wonder why he is only doing the apocalypse now. What stopped him before?

I got distracted with the personifications of the Four Horsemen because I was thinking of where I'd seen that before, particularly in humorous fantasy.

The bottom line is now I want to know what makes this different from Gaiman and Pratchett's Good Omens. One strong way to start is by giving me a character I care about. Right now the query makes me laugh, but not necessarily care.


Kings Falcon said...I was so hoping it was this GTP because I REALLY like GOOD OMENS. And that's what you sound a lot like, which could be good. But it also makes me wonder how you are different since your horsemen take the flip side of Terry Pratchett's and Neil Gaimon's by denying the role they are suppose to play.

I also agree with Dave that the Query needs to start where yours currently ends.

Who is your MC? Gabriel or the Horsemen?

If it's Gabriel, then you could stay something like -

The road to the apocalypse is filled with peril. Love made Archangel Gabriel stay his hand. But now grieving the loss of his wife, he finally understands pain and wants it to end - for him and all of humanity. He marshalls the horsemen only to find that they prefer thier "human" existance.

**
Make sure the tone of the query matches the tone of the book. I want to see your sense of humor and get a sense of what the book's will be like.

Good luck with this one.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Resonance

1. The cello is said to be the instru- ment closest to the human voice. But Zoe didn't expect hers to start humming on its own. Nor did she expect the notes to sound increasingly like human words, impassioned and pleading words. Now if she can just keep her music teacher from finding out...

2. Claire lost her six-year-old heart to Bobby's recorder solo in their first grade Christmas Pageant. Twenty years later she buys the night club where Bobby plays the sax from the Russian Mafia. They seek resonance amid syndicated crime, wannabe musicians, and alley cats.

3. RrreeEEeessssoonNNnaaaannncCCccee.

4. Jordan Seymore's braces broadcast amusingly evil subliminal messages. Now, dad carries a doll, sis meows, and the school cafeteria has served “chili” 27 days running. Can Jordan convince autoshop student Sally French to help reharmonize his mouth?

5. No one understands. Beautiful voices are Fiona's life. Looks, brains and money are unimportant. Now 32 years old, with Mom breathing down her neck and old friends having babies left and right, Fiona listens in vain for Mr. Right. Until one day she hears “Stick 'em up, lady!” Could this be the one?

6. Emma Drishumn has just learned that she has a super power: the ability to stop time by shopping for shoes. Now if she can just figure out how to use this power to defeat the soul-sucking demons that are chasing her . . .



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I am seeking representation for my young adult, fantasy debut novel RESONANCE completed in 116,000 words.

Ace school exams, always be nice to customers and come home early, are things that Emma Drishumn understands, except the concept of her dead father that she strongly believes to be alive and soul-sucking shadow demons chasing after her. [A horrible start to your plot description. If you change "except" to "unlike" it begins to mean what you want it to mean, but it's still awkward, and I wouldn't call her dead father a concept, and mainly, you're comparing apples to oranges . . . and plums. Comparing the "rules to live by" that she understands with those she doesn't understand would make sense, but you're comparing them with the concept of death and with shadow demons. It's like saying, Although Emma understood why her mom wanted her to do the dishes, she had little grasp of philosophical hermeneutics and zombie cows.]

Curiously observing the demons' feasting ways, she is cornered and almost eaten by them if it had not been for a dashing young king and a condescending shadow stalker, introducing themselves as Bringers of Salvation and Death. [This isn't a sentence. You could change "she is cornered and almost eaten" to "she would have been cornered and eaten." It'll make sense, but you ought to make this two sentences. One gets the impression you were told to summarize your plot in three sentences and are cramming your eight sentences into three by removing some periods.] The two surmise that she is a Bringer as well, since she can nonchalantly walk through the Cloak: a phenomenon that hides human awareness from the demons; but as she discovers the power to stop time while shopping for shoes, the Bringers rethink their conclusion since no Bringer has ever had that ability. [I surrender.] [I gotta say, the power to stop time while shopping for shoes is possibly the least useful superhero power ever.] [Unless . . . okay, if she sees a crime going down and runs into the nearest shoe store to buy some pumps, thus stopping time, does time start up again when she leaves the shoe store, or does she have a lag period while she breaks in her new shoes during which she can run to the crime scene and handcuff the criminal? That would make it somewhat useful, but as there may be few shoe stores in areas that have heavy crime, she might want to have a shoe salesman accompany her everywhere she goes so she can shop for shoes at a moment's notice. They'd be a crime-fighting duo, like Batman and Robin. Call her sidekick Zappo.

When Emma sees a crime being committed, Zappo immediately starts trying to sell her some shoes. Whether you want to call them Emma Drishumn and Zappo, or give Emma a cooler name, like Stopwatch, is up to you.]

As the boys offer protection, her world darkens as she is forced to help them save human souls but is unable to do so for her own best friend. [Who are the boys? The king and the shadow stalker? Is a shadow stalker a boy who stalks shadow demons?] After recovering from shock, she finds that she alone believes in her best friend’s existence. [Finally a nice simple clear sentence. Although there's been nothing about her best friend up to now, and we don't know what shocked her . . . unless . . . Did she get zapped . . . by ZAPPO!?] In an unavoidable confrontation with a greater demon, the situation turns from a simple demon-slaying-day into a dire fight for her life as she uncovers the true reason for the demons’ pursuit and her confabulated memories regarding her best friend and her father. [The memories may be confabulated, but the query is discombobulated.]

Thank you for your time.


[P.S. I got the resonance title from when a Bringer realizes his true power its called resonance.]


Notes

What does "a phenomenon that hides human awareness from the demons" mean? I'm guessing it's a phenomenon that prevents demons' awareness of humans?

Scrap the whole thing. Start over and force yourself to abandon complex sentences. Simple and clear is what you should be striving for. Get rid of Tweedledum and Tweedledee. Focus on Emma. Who she is, that demons are chasing her, that she has escaped them so far through her ability to stop time, but she has a plan to defeat them for good, if only . . . .


Selected Comments

Anonymous said...What EE said. Sounds like some interesting plot elements but the text isn't working. Figure out how to get your word processor's grammar checker going and learn to get it to help you clarify what's going wrong. Yeah, the idiot software is often wrong, too. But learning to determine when it is and when it isn't, will help you.


Steve Wright said...Yes, I have to agree. You may have an interesting story here, but it's not coming across in a query which, I'm afraid, reads as if it's been ineptly translated from the original Serbo-Croat.

Use simple declarative sentences to tell us who the main character is, who the antagonist is, what's at stake, and what the main character does to resolve the situation. (Yes, I know, easier said than done. But if you do it, I think you'll have a better query.)


Eric P. said...Metaphysically, this query proves the existence of Soul Sucking Demons. The tell-tale signs of their activity are all over the prose. They've already sucked the sentences down to about a quarter of the number you should have. They've sucked the meaning out of simple words like "except," "concept," "if it had not been." Once they're done with your grammar, they're going to start on your plot, and then on your characters, and then....

Yeah, you should probably be worried right about now.

Like vampires, everything they touch also begins to suck, which explains a lot about the sentence structure....

Cheap shots aside, take the time right now to devote several weeks to mastering the skill of writing clear, concise sentences that your reader can understand and easily follow the first time through. (Some books or classes may help.) You won't regret it. That, or call in a reputable firm of exorcists, exterminators, or Bringers. (My wife sometimes brings cookies; does that count?)

Note: Don't depend on your word processor's grammar checker, as the Soul Sucking Demons have been devouring it too.


Xiexie said...Simply. Rewrite.

sylvia said...Oh EE, I think I love you.


Aimee States said...You lost me at "debut", and a YA that's 116,000 words probably won't fly for a first timer. But I could be wrong.


dave conifer said...The query letter needs work but I swear I'd read this. Are you sure "fantasy" is the right category? I don't know, it sounds like just a regular story. The bit about the shoes made me think it's satirical, even.

Polish up that query will ya?


Anonymous said...Whenever my wife buys a new pair of shoes, time stops.


Sarah Allen said...A query like that makes me nervous to read the actual manuscript. A great reminder to be straight-forward and simple in query letters, because trying to sound smart usually just backfires.


Portuguese cunt said...The first sentence was terrible, and it went downhill from there. Evil Editor, where have you been all my life?


frap said...Hey guys, thanks for the comments. When I read this, I was really laughing hard. And I took it all in and rewrote the freaking query. So here it is. Do what you must.

---query---
Emma Drishumn is a demon magnet. When the sky darkens and the sun turns black, demons attack her: in the school graveyard visiting a professor, in the mall shopping for shoes, in the airport after landing in Spain for vacation, and in a party where she almost gets her first kiss.

Almost in the clutches of demons, she is saved by a king and the angel of death and tells her she's more than an attraction for destruction, after she discovers the power to stop time—and consequently, her allure grows to gravitate even nephilims, necromancers and more eccentric creatures. Now, she fears there's more to this than plain hormones.

RESONANCE is a fantasy novel completed in 116,00 words. Thank you very much.


Evil Editor said...The first paragraph is okay, though I'm not sure why a school would have its own graveyard.
The second is the same old problem. The first sentence isn't a sentence, could be interpreted in more than one way, makes little sense, and has misused words (I'm guessing "grows to gravitate" is supposed to mean "attracts"). You can't consider this a simple sentence.

I'm surprised to find she ever thought being attacked by demons was a matter of hormones. That wouldn't occur to most people.


Sarah Laurenson said...The first paragraph is okay. Second paragraph is totally confusing. I can't even parse some of the sentences.

Took another look and it's really just the one, very long, confusing sentence.


ann foxlee said...Again, what EE said.

The first paragraph was oodles better-- so much better that I almost wondered how it happened.

Then the second paragraph came along, and it was back to the original voice: confusing and grammatically creative.

If you can simplify the second paragraph the way you did the first, it could work, although I'm left wondering about the writing style in the novel if this was how you chose to write the query...


 _*Rachel*_ said...The first paragraph made sense and was even humorous. The second was unintelligible. Rewrite it, and include a bit more plot.

Again, if you're having problems like this in your novel, get help before querying.


Portuguese cunt said...Better!

But I feel like there's some weirdness with the first graf- the first sentence is passive, then the second sentence has a million commas in it. I'm a comma whore, myself, but you know, for a good query, you need to cut those babies down (see! I can't help myself).


Mother (Re)produces. said...Nevermind that the school has a grave yard, what do we think about a professor who arranges for her to visit him/her there? My problem with this version, is it still doesn't tell us what she, the protagonist, does in the story... it's just a list of random manifestations with no causality.


Steve Wright said...Yes - you need to keep that sentence-simplifying momentum going into paragraph two.

It wouldn't hurt, either, to give us some idea of what happens in the story - this still seems to be all setup (MC attracts demons, MC has time-stopping powers - yes, but what happens?)


Eric P. said...Glad you're a good sport.
On the new query, ditto the above comments. The first paragraph proves you can do it; now do it to the second paragraph too. And then tell us the plot.

Keep it simple, simple, simple: Character is an A. Character wants B because C. D stands in her way. To overcome it, she must do E and F, or else G will happen. With the help of a motley band of dwarves and ninjas.... oh, wrong plot.


frap said...Hey thanks guys. Thank you for pointing that out. I kinda figured it would be the same reaction again. But really thanks. I've rewritten the thing and got this one instead:

--------QUERY-----
Emma Drishumn is a demon magnet. After she incidentally sees a man disappear and the sky turn blood red, demons chase her everywhere for unknown reasons: in the school graveyard visiting a professor, in Spain for vacation, and in a party where she almost gets her first kiss.

When a demon suddenly gets too close, she freezes time. Startled by this discovery, she runs in panic only to be sought out by a king and the angel of death. The two offer her protection and guidance. Reluctantly, she accepts their proposal only to be immersed in a war between demons against the saviors of mankind. Now, she is faced with a decision of whether or not she continues to be the prey or choose to be the hunter.


sylvia said...The whole thing looks much better but:
Now, she is faced with a decision of whether or not she continues to be the prey or choose to be the hunter.

What's to decide?

Maybe separate the decision from the effect?

"Now, she is faced with a decision which will determine whether she continues to be the prey or becomes the hunter."

Or somehow make it clear why she would chose to be prey.


Kings Falcon said...It's getting there. The first line is pretty great, but the list at the end of the paragraph could go.

My thoughts -


Emma Drishumn is a demon magnet. - Great line -

After she incidentally (delete the adverb) sees a man disappear and the sky turn blood red, demons chase (plague, hunt - use a stronger verb to convey what the rest of the sentence tries to get across) her

(IMHO the rest of the sentence can go) everywhere for unknown reasons: in the school graveyard visiting a professor, in Spain for vacation, and in a party where she almost gets her first kiss.


When a demon suddenly (lose the adverb) gets too close, she (Emma) (accidentally) freezes time. Startled by this discovery (you don't need to tell me it suprised her if you tell me what she does as a result. Trust me, I'll get it), she runs in panic ("in panic" isn't necessary for the same reason) only to be sought out by a king and the angel of death (Names would go a long way here. Is it one or two people? And King of what?). The two (two people then) offer her protection and guidance (In return for what?). Reluctantly (Adverb alert), she accepts their proposal only to be immersed in a war between demons (and) the saviors of mankind (who are these now?). Now, she is faced with a decision of whether or not she continues to be the prey or choose to be the hunter (And this is a choice? Hum. let me think about that. You'd be better off - IMHO to tell me what she does and how she can help with this war).

Good luck.

Fake Query #1

#587 Fake Plot:#3


Dear EE:

Musical enrichment is vital to the development of children's cognitive abilities. Therefore, I want to have you look at my idea for a combination of songbook/storybook/picturebook for toddlers: At Play on the Isle of Song.

Here, white Unicorns frolic with purple ponies [with only the occasional stab wound] on the Isle of Song, where all the flowers are happy all the time, and all the faeries are flower princesses. And there's a mean old dragon to boot!

The Flower Fairy, Daisy, is the Rose Princess. She has her own special song about sharing, 'Sharing Makes Me Happy', which encourages little ones to share.

The Purple Ponies have their own special song, too, 'Purple Drank is for Skanks', which aims to discourage drug abuse. [I assume there's an accompanying CD. If you've signed Prince to perform "Purple Drank," say so. It's a selling point.]

The Unicorns have their own special song, too, called "Stay a Virgin" [sung by Madonna on the CD,] which is meant to encourage little children [unikernals] to honor their bodies and not do sexual things until they are at least 12.

Finally, there's an evil dragon who wants to end all music and happiness in the land. His special song, 'Hooray for the RIAA", encourages children to express themselves freely.

I have a PhD from the University of Phoenix in Accounts Management and have won many awards from the Quincy Mass library writer contest.

Thank you for your time.


--Khazar-khum


Notes

Better than a CD would be a link to music files the toddlers can steal.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Stuff from Previous Valentine's Days






**********************************************

She lifted the chilled glass to her lips, the candlelight dancing along the etched design, her tongue aching for the taste. Her lips parted as her vision finally focused on the table next to her. Instead of tasting the drink, she stifled a gasp.

Rob unfolded his napkin, shook it out and looked at her. “Something wrong?”

“Everything’s perfect,” she lied. “We, um, we need to talk about The List.”

That had Rob's attention. His eyes danced with amusement. “The List.” He laughed. “Perfect Valentine’s Day conversation, babe.” He reached across the table and took her hand. “I hate to break it to you tonight, but Angelina wants me. She dumped Brad last week. I know. I read about it on Perez Hilton, so it must be true.”

She shifted in her chair, not quite sure how to tell him that one of the top five on her list now sat just a few feet from her. And the arrangement, even made in jest, was forgiveness for any and all disgustingly delicious things one could do with List People should the opportunity arise, which neither believed would ever happen. Until tonight.

Rob stood and circled around her, resting his hands on her shoulders. “Happy Valentine’s Day, sweetheart,” he whispered. “Enjoy your gift.”

Before she could breathe, the man at the next table stood, turned and walked to her table. She saw his face for the first time. “Oh God . . . ”

He sat across from her and smiled. “Not quite, but almost.”

--Brenda Bradshaw

********************************************




********************************************

I sat down at the table, confused. The restaurant lighting was dim and romantic; a single candle burned, surrounded by roses. Across from me was a mutton-chopped man. He sighed, giving me a weary look.

"So, how’s this one going to go?" he asked.

I glanced around nervously. "I'm afraid I'm a little confused. What are we doing?"

He adjusted his pince-nez, shaking his head. "Valentine's Day? The prompt is a date. You should be setting up the scene for something romantic or funny. I'd say dirty, but we know you don't have it in you."

I blushed. "Umm, wow, this is embarrassing. I think I'm in the wrong writing exercise. I mean, not that you aren’t perfectly, uh, dateable and whatnot, but I feel kind of uncomfortable with this. I’m married, and even if I weren’t, I’m the same age as Evil Junior.”

Evil Editor nodded thoughtfully. “True. It would be a little creepy.”

“Whirl does creepy much better than I do. Wouldn’t you rather be on a writing prompt date with him?”

“No doubt it would be funnier,” Evil said, glaring.

“Alrighty, I’ll just get him in here. See you at next week’s exercise?”

“If you even bother to show up. Honestly, kids these days…” I stood up, letting him mutter as I crossed to the door.

“Thank goodness I got out of that one,” I whispered, relieved as I watched a man dressed in drag materialize into my chair, signaling the start of another person’s story. Waving wildly as Evil looked on in horror, the transvestite started into some delightfully incomprehensible story about aliens and tentacles.

At least I’m pretty sure he said tentacles. Like I said, not my type of prompt…

--Kiersten White

*******************************************



Caption: anon.



Caption: Whirlochre

********************************************

Mrs. V: Hi EE. Sorry, no hello kiss, because I know you asked me out only because none of your writers and none of the Hooters waitresses will have anything to do with you.

EE: And I know you agreed to this date only because no one will go out with you ever since Mr. V. died three years ago under highly suspicious circumstances.

Mrs. V: You might at least have picked me up in a limo. Who'd you buy this thing from, Al Capone?

EE: The classics never go out of style.

Mrs. V: Where are you taking me?

EE: I had reservations at le porc énorme, but at the last minute I canceled. I was hit by a wave of nostalgia.

Mrs. V: Uh oh. Here it comes.

EE: Hear me out. Imagine we're twelve years old. We both have a crush on each other, but neither of us has ever said so. I finally work up the nerve to ask you out for Valentine's Day.

Mrs. V: Sounds like a sappy McDonald's advertise-- You better not be taking me to McDonald's!

EE: Don't be ridiculous . . . Burger King.

--Evil Editor

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Face-Lift 1105

Guess the Plot

The Accursed

1. Gabriel, Prince of Vampires, must find a young bride to bear his heir or his line will die, so he chooses 16-year-old Amy and Jesus H Christ I already hate this book.

2. Fury must survive the citadel's eight floors of torment in order to die. If she doesn't survive them, she lives. It's a bit paradoxical, but trust me, it all makes sense in the book.

3. Finally. The REAL story of Hudson's disastrous voyage to discover the Northern Passage. As described in the newly-discovered diaries of Juet, Hudson, mauled by a werecaribou while on a water-gathering expedition, fled the Discovery to protect the crew from his ravenous appetite for timber. Told in verse.

4. "Dearly Beloved..." Pastor Anton always says at the beginning of his Sunday sermons. But he knows that fully one tenth of his flock are The Accursed, beings in human skin who walk the earth "converting" mortals. How is the pastor so adept at recognizing these lost souls? He's one of them.

5. Frederick loses jobs. A bankrupt restaurant, laid off from a delivery service, and fired for cursing a customer. One night on his way home from the pub, he meets Leo de Leeuw, a lion. Leo promises him great wealth if he helps other lions escape from the zoo. He gives up drink and works obsessively for weeks. Finally, he frees the lions. But he doesn't get paid. The lion was lyin’.

6. Bayleigh's school is a nexus--all kinds of magic and bizarre creatures roam its hallowed halls. All, except for her. Because in this place of magic, undeath and love, she's . . . the accursed.



Original Version

Dear Most Evil Editor,

The Accursed is a dark fantasy about a woman who can’t remember her real name and doesn’t know why she’s unable to die. Since you [represented, made your preferences plain, et al] I thought you might be interested in this book.

Fury is a matchless fighter haunted by a past she can’t remember. [If she can't remember her past, how does she know it's her past that's haunting her? Maybe it's the ghost of Christmas future.] Though her every wound heals in moments, pain is her constant companion. With a single touch, Fury can heal others by taking their injuries as her own. ["The Empath." Star Trek, episode #67.] Death refuses to allow Fury beyond its gates, [She's already beyond them. She wants to get inside them.] and, searching for a means to die, Fury enters Nekatix, the infamous city without laws. [Well, there's one law: you must return your DVD or they won't send you another one.] There, she meets Vorlinax, [Sounds like an antacid.] a ruthless Guildlord fascinated with her capacity for survival. In return for becoming his bodyguard, Vorlinax agrees to find her entrance into the next world. ["If you be my bodyguard, I can be your ticket to hell."--Paul Simon.]  [What makes her think he can find her a way to die?]

She serves Vorlinax alongside Nevrik, [Amazing how three such different words can sound like the same word. I recommend changing them to Netflix, Vortex and Newman.] a pervasively cheerful swordsman with silver pupils eerily similar to Fury’s own. When the nameless ‘High Ones’ take Fury prisoner for breaking the city’s only law [I told you there was a law.] and touching a Monument, more than infatuation urges Nevrik to find and set her free. Someone wants them to delve into the deepest secrets of Nekatix and destroy the city at its core. Enduring fire, steel, lightning, and countless other torments, Fury faces death when she no longer wants to meet it. From the buried memories of her mother’s brutal murder to the origins of her immortality, Fury will leave no secret untouched or foe intact to punish those responsible for her pain.

If Fury falls to madness or despair before reaching the heights of Nekatix’s Unwrought Citadel, she will spend eternity in ceaseless anguish. [She's immortal and in pain. She's already spending eternity in ceaseless anguish.] Only if she overcomes eight floors of torture, illusion, and memory [Are the torments actually countless, as previously stated, or are there eight of them?] will Fury find the escape for which she longs. [Which is what? Is she back to wanting death? Is overcoming all eight floors the way to destroy the city from its core? What happened to Vortex?]

Thank you for your time and consideration. The Accursed is 100,000 words.


Notes

It's not clear enough what's going on. Did the nameless High Ones put her in the Unwrought Citadel? Or did she go there willingly after Newman rescued her from them?

Is anyone fighting with her in the citadel?

If surviving the eighth floor destroys the city, and I'm the High Ones, I'm snatching her out of the citadel as soon as she reaches the seventh floor, locking her in a safe, and throwing it in the ocean. I'm not gonna assume she'll never get past Borgo the Disemboweler on floor 8.

Focus more on story. Tell us what happens, chronologically.

Face-Lift 1104

Guess the Plot

So Long, Humanity

1. After a decade of undergrad work, including beer pong, spring break, and musical girls, our hero accidentally graduates and lands an editorial position at a publisher. Now he's out for revenge.

2. What will it take to get ditzy girls to understand that not all high schools are filled with angst-ridden vampires, werewolves, faeries and elves?

3. Oontsa has had it with humanity's pollution, pillage and devastation of the oceans. Her solution: destroy their food chain. She and her fellow dolphins will devour the Atlantic menhaden population. Ah, a plan as delicious as it is effective. So long, Humanity!

4. Time traveler Mark Humanity uses the same MO every time: show up in some year, take what he wants, and leave behind death and despair. But when Humanity shows up in 2016, he's in for a rude surprise: George Washington has transported to the 21st century. Who better to take on tyranny?

5. The dolphins are back! The aliens that rescued them from Earth have retrofitted them for survival on land. Should they attempt to reason with the inhabitants of Earth Mark 2, or just wipe out humankind?

6. Rodger runs a nonprofit shelter for the homeless. He cleans them up, gets them medical care, and sees to their every need. Then one day he discovers a criminal underground that buys body parts for transplants. And the money is really good.

7. Genius, social outcast, and champion ballroom dancer Percy Pithecus finally has had enough when the Dunkin' Donuts counter girl disses his attempts at romance. Percy builds a neutron bomb in his greenhouse, then must decide between exterminating the human race--and himself--or continuing his lonely existence. With a surprise ending!




Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Americans have a pretty clear picture of George Washington in their heads – crossing the Delaware River with his chest jutting and that funny hat sitting on his head. [Actually, most Americans' picture of George Washington is his face on the one dollar bill with that expression that says, "How come that ass Franklin gets the 100 and I get the frigging 1?] However, my young adult sci-fi novel, titled So Long, Humanity, creates a more contemporary image of Washington’s heroism; one with jet packs, time travel, and a villain even more devious than the British Empire.

Fortunately, Mister Washington will have the support of our protagonist. Malcolm Tennant is a ward of the state of New York, a relationship neither he nor the truant officers of New York City welcome. Frustrated with his lot in life, Malcolm says to heck with laws. That’s why he’s running through the streets of the Big Apple with two cops in pursuit. [Can you be more specific? I'm sure the cops don't chase you just for saying To heck with laws.] Luckily, a girl named Prata yanks him to safety at just the right moment. Unluckily, she is an apparent nutcase who says that it’s up to Malcolm to save the world.

Prata warns Malcolm about the coming of Mark Humanity. She says that Mark is the ultimate manipulator, taking what he needs and then skipping through time to the next era of saps. [I liked the title a lot more before I knew it was grounded in a character named Mark Humanity. Now it sounds like a gimmick.] And now he’s arrived in the year 2016 to begin his newest quest for global domination. Desperate for a revolutionary idea, Malcolm and Prata transport George Washington to today. Who better to inspire Americans to battle tyranny? But, due to Prata’s inexperience, the George Washington they wind up with is 17-years-old, plucked from a farm, and not at all ready to lead a revolution. [WTP? No pause to explain how they manage this? Can anyone pluck anyone from any time?]

Meanwhile, Humanity becomes an international celebrity by using his advanced technology to cure disease and improve everyday life. [This is the guy they want to get rid of?] Prata's seen it before; Humanity arrives, wins over the people, takes what he wants, [If he can cure our diseases, I'm guessing we'd happily give him what he wants.] [By the way, what does he want?] and then rips reality apart in order to bound through time to the next target. [Was 18th-century reality ripped apart when George transported to 2016?] With Humanity garnering favor and resources, it’s up to the three time-displaced teens [Three? Malcolm isn't time-displaced, is he?] to save the world from its supposed savior. [To save the world they must keep Humanity from leaving 2016?]

So Long, Humanity is a 55,000 word Young Adult sci-fi novel. It is written with chapters alternating between the past, present, and future. Fans of Orson Scott Card’s Pastwatch should enjoy the time travel story elements as well as the twisting plot. Fans of the television series Doctor Who should enjoy the clever characters and staggered [staggering?] revelations.

I graduated from the United States Military Academy with a degree in Arts, Philosophy, and Literature in 2007. [Did that come in handy in Afghanistan?] I publish a writer's blog atwww.tjmurray-author.blogspot.com with a weekly schedule including Sample Sundays (when I post a short story), Movie Review Mondays, and Conspiracy Theory Wednesdays. [A peek at your blog shows a total of 30 posts since 2010. Not a place you want to send the reader of your query if you want her to think you're a prolific writer.] [You don't need a bio paragraph.]

Feel free to contact me if you would like any further information. Thank you for your consideration.

Very Respectfully,


As for the title, it stems from the antagonist's name and mannerisms. "So Long, Humanity," is what Mark Humanity mutters whenever he travels through time and leaves the world to crumble under his deceptions. It's kind of like, "See you, suckers!" followed by worldwide death and despair. 


Notes

The plot doesn't strike me as YA. I'm thinking middle grade, toward the younger end.

Too much time spent setting it up. Some guy is using time travel to benefit himself, and we are going to pay the price if he can't be . . . killed? What are George and Malcolm and Prata planning to do? What does Humanity want? Does he have to get it in New York? What if he shows up in Australia?

You can't just gloss over bringing GW to 2016. I assume Prata is from the future and has access to time travel tech, so say so. On the other hand, I would think she could come up with a better idea than getting Washington, who'll be too busy marveling at airplanes and cars and television and microwave popcorn to do anything useful. A guy with a machine gun might be a better choice.

Your opening paragraph focuses on George Washington, but he never does anything in the query. I would dump that paragraph and focus on Malcolm from the start. If George is instrumental in saving the world, you can still fill us in on how he contributes.

Does the story address the fact that the destruction Humanity leaves behind would negatively affect conditions at any future target that's later in the time line?

I don't see any need for the character to be named Humanity. Wouldn't he say So long, 2016, instead of So long and his name? It's we who should be saying So long Humanity, and thanks for nothing (except curing disease).

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Face-Lift 1103

Guess the Plot

Under a Fading Moon

1. A talking cat offers Shadasa the ability to become a panther at will, but she won't get this power until the moon goes dark--if she lives that long, which is unlikely since an evil alchemist has summoned powerful spirits to hunt her down so he can sacrifice her to the Dark Realms.

2. It's the year 3021. The wealthy have relocated to an artificial environment on the moon, and now call Earth "The Moon." By the time planetwide natural disasters destroy the surface of Earth, the colony is just barely self-sufficient. Can the colonists learn to survive in a society where money has no meaning?

3. Molly the mole is anxious. There’s been a dearth worms lately. Robins have taken over topside because cats are kept indoors due to Valley Fever. She calls Acme Exterminators to spray mold poison but they misunderstand and spray mole poison. The other moles banish her to the light where she can only hunt under a fading moon. Also, a rockin’ robin.

4. In the land of Lunaria, the werewolves are getting worried. The moon, the source of their power, is starting to fade. If Lyca Greeneyes and her inner wolf don't find the answer before the next blood-moon, all the werewolves will lose their powers and those blasted sparkly vampires will take over.

5. 30 years ago, Brenda Nadsly was a headliner at gentlemen's clubs. But that was four divorces, one daughter, and three grandsons ago. Can she take the stage at the Angel's Club and show them that she still has what it takes, even though she's over fifty?

6. Life on Eldora is in turmoil as its constant illumination by full moon is waning. Crops across the planet languish bringing widespread famine to the population. Can chief agropologist, Shia LaGrume, perfect his incandescent device, or will all Eldoran's perish...Under a Fading Moon?



Original Version

Dear Most Exalted Evil Editor, [Or Agent of My Choice]

A cat named NightShade gave Shadasa the second form of a panther. [Not one of my favorite opening sentences.] NightShade isn’t an ordinary cat -- she’s a NightPanther, a powerful, intelligent shifter. Once Shadasa and NightShade pass their first Dark-Moon together, both can become full-sized panthers at will. [So the second form of a panther, which NightShade gave to Shadasa, currently lets her shift into a less-than-full-size panther? Is that why you specify full-sized panther instead of just saying panther? Are you saying NightShade can't currently shift into a panther, that she too must wait for the Dark-Moon?] Her former Alchemist master chose Shadasa as the blood sacrifice that will give him control over the most powerful spirit in the Dark Realms. [Not clear how that relates to the rest of the paragraph. Nor in what way she was sacrificed.] Virtually helpless without the power to shift, Shadasa and NightShade travel with Velpheron, a kindly and capable nobleman. [Where are they traveling to?] [Also, Shadasa has never had the power to shift, so why is she suddenly helpless?]

Staying with Velpheron until the proper moon-phase seems prudent, especially after he saves Shadasa from a slavehunter. As she begins to long for darkness and blood becomes her ambrosia, [Whose blood?] she increasingly fears his rejection. She nearly abandons him the night he takes an arrow to the shoulder -- one meant for her. Though she manages to save Velpheron without revealing her secret, Shadasa further entangles herself by using her Imbued blood as a medicine to save his life. [Why is "Imbued" capitalized? Why was "Alchemist" capitalized? What about "NightPanther"? You didn't capitalize "cat" even though NightShade isn't an ordinary cat. We don't spell it "WereWolf."]

Velpheron’s delirium reveals his royal lineage. Having her blood inside him gives Shadasa access to the Prince’s [Velpheron is the Prince? Of what?] thoughts and passions, [Seems like it would be he who has access to her thoughts, but whatever.] making her feel unbelievably close to him while haunting her with guilt. Struggling to understand her relationship with Velpheron, who still thinks she’s only a slave, [I was thinking she was more a student or apprentice of her Alchemist master, not his slave. Guess I should have taken "slavehunter" literally, instead of thinking it was someone trying to capture her to make her a slave.] [Did she escape from her master? Hard to believe your Alchemist master would choose you for his blood sacrifice and then be careless enough to let you escape before he establishes control over the most powerful spirit in the Dark Realms. ] Shadasa knows he must soon discover what she is. She convinces herself he won’t be angry -- until he tells her of the NightPanther assassins who tried to kill his father, and how, in hatred, he killed one of them himself.

Resisting her feline urges as well as NightShade’s cynical advice seems impossible. [What is she advising?] The summoned spirits of her power-hungry master and the Prince’s own enemies converge on them, forcing Shadasa to make an agonizing choice. If she maintains her hopeless devotion to Velpheron, she must withstand his anger and loathing when he learns the truth -- but if she leaves the man she has come to love, she will despise herself for the rest of her life. [I can see her fearing she'll be lonely or regretting it, but despise herself?] [Also, before worrying about the consequences of her choice, she might want to consider how to deal with the summoned spirits of her power-hungry master and the Prince’s own enemies, who are converging on them. The choice can come after they survive. Which they won't unless the moon goes dark real fast and she can pantherize everyone.]

Under A Fading Moon is a 100K-word fantasy, first in a projected trilogy. Thank you for your time and consideration.


[Note to EE: I submitted once before, with the same general story, under the title DarkMoon. [See Face-Lift 1057--EE.] I've since done a LOT of revising, changed the focus of the story, invented a different title, and, as per your suggestion, changed the names of both main characters.]


Notes

If he can tell her he's a nobleman when he's actually the Prince, he can hardly complain that she didn't reveal she will soon be able to morph into a deadly creature capable of ripping out his throat as payback for the NightPanther he murdered. After all, he was already the Prince, while she won't be a NightPanther until the moon does its thing. She's probably not even certain she will be a NightPanther. If someone told me that I would have the ability to turn into a panther after the next Dark-Moon, I think I'd be skeptical. Admittedly less skeptical if it were a talking cat telling me, but still...

I assume the Alchemist still needs Sha-na-na, as he'd have better things to do than hunt her down if he already controlled the Dark Realms.

Does she meet the cat after getting away from the Alchemist? I think this would be more clear if you told it chronologically. Possibly it goes:

Subaru, an alchemist's slave, escapes before he can make her his blood sacrifice.

She meets a magical cat who gives her panther power (but it won't take effect till the next moonless night) and a nobleman who offers to accompany her as she flees the alchemist.

Needing Shakira back in order to become emperor of the Dark Realms, the alchemist summons powerful spirits to hunt her down. Meanwhile, the nobleman, who is actually the prince, is being hunted by enemies of his own.

To fight off their attackers, S will have to shift into panther mode. But if she does, the prince, with whom she has fallen in love and who hates people who can shift into panther mode, may be lost to her forever.


Note that I told the story without the arrow and the blood and ambrosia and NightPanther assassins. Needless clutter. Just focus on Shadow: who is she, what's her situation, what does she want, who doesn't want her to get it, what does she plan to do about it, what happens if she fails.

Why does S have to convince herself the prince won't be angry, when she has access to his thoughts and passions? She can just say, "NightPanthers," and read whether he's thinking, I won't stop till they're all dead, or Like with humans, a few bad apples can spoil the bunch, but I'm sure there are lovable ones.