Evil Editor's Blog, page 142

Face-Lift 1109

Guess the Plot

The Ten Hands

1. The adventures of Whitney Cross, 19th-century Canadian superhero demon hunter who must defeat ten evil spirits while leading an X-men-like team toward the Biblical end of the world. Also, super-pirates.

2. Joe Vanderberg thought it was a sure bet when he wagered his firstborn's soul on a game of tic tac toe. Now he must play poker with the Devil himself to reclaim little Aidan from Hell. Can he win...the ten hands?

3. When PI Rob Horwood opens a parcel to find a severed hand, he realises there's a maniac on the loose. When a second hand arrives, he knows this person means business. By the time the ninth has arrived, he's figured out the murderer's system. But can he prevent the villain from severing... the tenth hand?

4. John and Maye Hand raise eight sons on their Ozark farm. They grow corn and hemp. Their sons are wild and they too grow corn and hemp but sell moonshine and marijuana. The law takes an interest in the Hands and the Hands take an interest in killing lawmen. This is the history of the Hands from John’s and Maye’s courtship to the final gunfight that kills the last of their boys.

5. When Kim Moon, proprietor of the massage parlor the Ten Hands is found dead in his burned-out Audi, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things. One, Moon didn't decapitate himself, and two, maybe he can get his wife to give him a massage with a happy ending.

6. Joon Merlin is a great pianist whom no one will work with because of his raging ego. His last chance for a concert career comes when an avant garde composer creates a dense piano sonata just for Joon - and four other handpicked keyboardists. Can Joon put his ego aside and share the stage? Or will he once again succumb to pianist envy?



Original Version

Dear ___________,

My story, The Ten Hands, is an 82,000 word supernatural adventure that combines science and religion in a new approach to the Super Hero genre. [Cool. I envision religious superheroes like The Cardinal, Lama Man and Deacon burning scientists at the stake. Is it set in the time of Galileo and Copernicus? If not, you can use time travel to go back and burn them alive. Each chapter ends with another scientist burning, the big finale coming hen they go after Charles Darwin.] This is a book for both Young and New Adults.

Whitney Cross, the girl who does not age, experiences the secret world of Heroes and Demons from the perspective of one with little physical strength of her own. During her adventures in the 18th and 19th centuries of Canada she is challenged with super-pirates, a life sentence in a Demon prison and ten evil spirits that pursue her across the centuries. [During the 18th and 19th centuries she is pursued across the centuries? Meaning across the 18th and 19th centuries, or meaning time travel? If the latter, does her team try to kill Hitler?] During her transformation from a regular young woman [Usually a regular young woman isn't introduced as "the girl who doesn't age."] into leader of a team of Demon hunting super heroes, she experiences unrequited love, challenges the prejudices of a paranoid society [Pretty much all societies are paranoid, and especially so when there are demons roaming around.] and learns that there is always a purpose for everything that happens, even the bad stuff. [For instance, when your house gets infested with the fleas your cat brought in, it's to aid the stockholders of pesticide companies.]

This is the first book of a trilogy and a part of a larger collection of stories [Usually best to confirm that people want to read one book before going overboard.] that uses the same world and a universal underlying plot, all building up toward the Biblical end of the world. The Ten Hands gives you a 19th century X-Men Origins story with action and moral undertones akin to The Chronicles of Narnia. [Really? Because to me it sounds more like Justice League of America meets A Wrinkle in Time.]

In the Brigham Young University-Idaho Fiction Contest (2011) my short story, The Legend of Chariot, was the top placing short story and runner up over all. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

You call this a story, but you don't provide a summary of a story. You provide a list of general-to-vague events. You need to make us care about Whitney. What are her goals? What's stopping her from achieving them? What's her plan to overcome these obstacles? You need to make us care about her enough to want to read a whole book about her.

Why do the other superheroes accept Whitney as their leader? Is it the usual "weakest member gets to be leader because otherwise she'd never contribute" situation? Or does she actually bring something to the table?

Did she come into this world at the age of about 20, or did something make her stop aging when she got there?

Face-Lift 1108

Guess the Plot

Jack and Jill and the Talking Lizard

1. Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. But Jack fell down and cracked his cranium and now he sees an invisible talking lizard wherever he goes. Crazy bastard. Also, a villainous were-poodle.

2. The true story of what happened that fateful day on the grassy knoll. Spoiler: Jill was pushed.

3. Jill and Jack are gnome twins, eager to explore the world beyond their toadstool. But soon they're caught by the mean old raven who lives in the pines. Also, a talking lizard. Illustrated by the author!

4. Investigative reporter Jack refuses to name his source, "the talking lizard" after he breaks a story about a colony descended from aliens inhabiting a remote island. Jill, CIA assassin, needs to silence Jack before he finds out about the psychic weaponry the aliens are building with the government.

5. Jill and Jack graduate one-two from Boyd Law in Vegas and are hired by Delenio and Lizardo PLLC. Tacito Lizardo (aka Talking Lizard) takes them under his wing. Soon, they realize Delenio and Lizardo are into real estate fraud, money laundering, and the Mafia. They steal evidence for the Feds. But their FBI contact sells them out. They narrowly escape a car bomb and must run for their lives. Also, a plethora of hot sex.

6. Jill is an out of work barista with an unfinished degree in the Theory of Art. Jack spends his time in an inner city middle school classroom, ducking before the rubber band or a stray bullet can hit him in the head. A week after they fall in love, Jill is in a car accident and in a coma and a talking lizard named Fred appears in Jack's bathroom and tells him he must go to Hades to rescue Jill's soul (which looks like a jellyfish).




Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Jill Jenkins is an out of work barista with 100,000 in student loans for her unfinished graduate degree in the Theory of Art from the University of Louisiana. She lives alone with her cat and wonders what the heck she's going to do with herself when she isn't avoiding this question for the thirtieth year by spending hours re-reading Kurt Vonnegut and P.G. Wodehouse while devouring cherry-filled chocolates. The question is answered for her after she falls in love at first sight with the man next door, a thirty-year old middle school teacher named Jack.

Jack, a cautious man who spends most of his time in an inner city middle school classroom trying to make himself heard above a din, a man who has learned to duck before the rubber band or wad of paper can hit him in the head, is new to the experience of "love at first sight" and has doubts. So when a week after meeting and falling in love, Jill is in a car accident and in a coma and a day later a talking lizard, Fred, appears in Jack's bathroom and tells him that he must go to Hades to rescue Jill's soul (it's stored in a jar and looks like a jellyfish), Jack hesitates.

Jill's accident left her in a coma [We know.] and split her spirit into fragments. Jill's body is in hospital, but her two largest spiritual fragments are Shadow Jill and Jill and they can move around. Athena, Jill's fairy godmother, who has been derelict in her duties until now, flips a coin and chooses to rescue Jill over Shadow Jill. Athena uses her retirement money to send Jill to a spiritual boot camp to help Jill to find a profession and learn how to clean. Athena will put a good word in for Jill with the Creator, and try to get Jill her life back if Jill finds herself a profession. Ironically, Jill decides to start a cleaning business and forms a partnership with some cleaning angels. Meanwhile, Shadow Jill, alone, uncomfortable, and semi-transparent is convinced by Fred that to return to life a living person must get her soul back from Hades.

Shadow Jill appears in Jack's apartment a week after the accident and begs Jack to rescue her soul. Jack waffles. Then, an angel appears the day after and persuades Jack to follow his heart, rather than his judgment. Jack, unlikely hero, follows the lizard and Shadow Jill through the inner city entrance to Hades.

Jack successfully battles underground locusts and arrives at the final barrier to Hades, the River Styxx. Charon ferries the three across, but ShadowJill finds herself irresistibly drawn to the waters and dives in. When they arrive on shore, Fred devours Jack's soul, which is vulnerable in the "land of the dead". Fred is really a scheming fallen angel, and uses the energy of Jack's soul to purchase an enormous amount of beer for his Fallen Angel's Beer Pub. Jack's body is left trapped on the shore. This purchase triggers a soul alert, as Fred is on the "Most-wanted Angels" List, and Athena is notified within a few weeks of Jack's unfortunate fate.

Athena tells Jill the sad news about Jack. Athena lets Jill know that Jack was dumb to trust a talking lizard, and that after all, Jill's soul is safely in her (Athena's) cupboard. Athena also tells Jill that Jill can do nothing for Jack and that if Jill leaves the boot camp, she won't be brought back to life. Jill, appalled, acts the part of the hero. Her "true love" for Jack gets her the help of the Angel Dostoevsky, who has the power to re-grow souls and fly into Hades. John is saved, [John?] and Jill is brought back to life by the Creator because she was heroic (and she has a successful cleaning business which the Creator approves of as it brings order into the Universe).

Jack and Jill live happily together with the cat. Jill's cleaning company enables her to pay her student loans, and Jill begins a line of cleaning products for graduate students. Jack continues to teach sixth graders. Athena visits for tea every once in a while.

The End.


Jill and Jack and the Talking Lizard is 50,000 words and magical realism.

Thank you for reading this.


Notes

Sorry, it's been done.

This is more entertaining than the average synopsis, but if it's a query letter it's way too long. It starts to feel like a list of all the funny parts, except when they come so close together the book sounds like a string of absurdities rather than the respected genre of magic realism.

Usually I complain if a query is all setup, but here I might recommend just going with the first two paragraphs, and maybe tack on a short paragraph that basically says, And that's when things start to really get interesting. Working in the fact that Fred is actually a villain is okay, but the Jill/ShadowJill bit doesn't excite me, and adding Athena and Doestoevsky just gives us more characters to keep track of.

With a James Patterson bestseller and an Adam Sandler bomb, the title Jack and Jill has gotten a lot of play recently. Did you choose those names because it's your favorite nursery rhyme? Seems like it should be Jack in the coma, as he's the one who broke his crown.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the plot

God's Play

1. Hermes wants a new theater production in his honor--there hasn't been one for over 1,000 years. He bribes a muse to inspire rap artist Suu-Yuu with Greek fantasies and hires on as a roadie. Odin, Thor, and Zeus want in on the action. Storms ensue.

2. God’s greatest desire was to write a play. He’s created his perfect cast of characters coupled with enough strife to last a few millennia. Dress rehearsal was a disaster, but opening night ends with nary a hitch. The real action will come after God reads Evil Editor’s scathing review.

3. Sister Melba Peter thought she had it bad when the other nuns would make up words during their weekly Scrabble game. But that's before the Almighty himself shows up for a round or two and starts creating actual things represented by the words. Can Sister Mel fwelge this eueuro?

4. To get revenge on the mortals who imprisoned them, a race of insane gods plan to cleanse and repopulate the world. Standing in their way: a wall of ice and the obligatory 17-year-old girl who has to slop the pigs before she can save the world.

5. Mike can't believe that being hit by a meteorite has given him godlike powers. Now his wife Megan has triple-E breasts, his house is 1800 rooms, and everything he touches turns to gold . . . which kind of defeats the point of giving Megan humongous knockers.

6. George Callaghan is a seminary student struggling with doubt, forever tantalizingly close to the experience of God he craves, only to be unfulfilled. Eventually he comes to the conclusion that God is playing hide and seek. What's alarming is that God's next game may well be marbles--with the planets.



Original Version

Being a god isn’t all roses and virgin sacrifices.

For the Creator Gods, a race of insane immortals trapped behind a wall of ice, divinity stopped being fun a long time ago. To get revenge on the mortals who imprisoned them, the Creators plan to remake the world in their own image. Step one: cleanse the other “impure” races. [Wrong. Step one: get out from behind this damn wall of ice.]



[Ten ways gods can get out from behind a wall of ice (having confirmed that there's no door in the wall):

1. Melt the wall. Actually, just melt an opening big enough to crawl through. Should be a piece of cake for a god of fire.
2. Fly over the wall. All you need is one god who can fly over the wall and go get a rope ladder.
3. Walk around the end of the wall. You don't even have to be a god for this one, and it's so obvious.
4. Break the wall down. Is Thor one of the gods? Because his hammer could turn the wall into ice cubes. Zeus's lightning bolts would also work.
5. Global warming. When you're immortal, waiting until ice no longer exists is like a human waiting until his eyes reopen while in the process of blinking.
6. Tunnel under the wall. There's always a god of the underworld. How do you think they get to the underworld?
7. You've heard of a human pyramid? How about a god pyramid? And if you don't have enough gods to reach to the top of the wall . . .
8. Grappling hook. The god on top of the pyramid tosses the hook over the wall.
9. Travel in a straight line away from the wall. Once you've circumnavigated the globe, Voila! You're on the other side of the wall.
10. Magic. Turn the wall into a staircase. Turn a seagull into a helicopter. You're gods, for Christ's sake.] Step two: repopulate with new and better breeds—twisted creatures that literally live on fear.

The only thing that stands in their way [besides that infuriating wall of ice] is Rachell aehl-Darenn, the seventeen-year-old heir to a dying race of non-human sorcerers Her grandfather was once crown prince in the conquered land of Amor Dal, but Rachell can only find time to plot against the human usurpers after she's slopped her father's pigs. All her life, Rachell has been trying to prove she's worthy of her grandfather's love despite being a half-human bastard. But when the Creators’ twisted children invade her homeland, [Assuming there's a good reason the gods couldn't get out from behind the wall for years or millenia, how is it they're suddenly not behind the wall?] Rachell must bridge the gap between her people and the humans she despises, [The only humans in the book are evil usurpers, and the main character despises humans. You do realize that if this book gets published your main audience is going to be humans?] even if that means serving the Emperor who enslaved her race.

Because things are never simple when the gods come out to play…

GOD’S PLAY is a 120,000-word completed fantasy novel set in a world of tattooed slave sorcerers, drug-addicted dragon riders, and one-eyed gods. [Your description of the world sounds more exciting than your description of the plot.] I’m an award-winning journalist and newspaper editor, and a piece of mine was published in [REDACTED].

I’m querying you because you've nurtured some incredible talent [AGENT SPECIFICS GO HERE]

Thanks for your consideration,


Notes

Based on the plot, I would expect the first word of your title to be either Gods or Gods'. Why is it God's?

Why is this pig-slopping teenager the only obstacle facing the gods? What can she do, and how does it involve serving the emperor? The gods are out from behind the wall and plan to destroy the world. Rachell wants to save the world so Gramps will like her. That's the setup. Now we need a few specifics on what happens.


Selected Comments

arhooley said...I've got:

* Creator Gods, who are insane and immortal

* The mortals who imprisoned them, who may or may not be any or all of:

* "Rachell's people," who are non-human sorcerers of the conquered land of Amor Dal -- so they're both a separate species and a citizenry, something like the Japanese once claimed to be

* dragons

* the humans, who may or may not include:

* the Creators' twisted children, whose species and mortality status are not stated but who live among the mortals

* Sorcerer/human mongrels such as Rachell, or is she the only one?

I'm not sure who-all falls into which group, which is the first problem. The second problem is, humans have surprising powers over sorcerers and gods.


Marissa Doyle said...EE's comment about "you do realize that your main audience is going to be humans, right?" is bang on the mark...as a paltry human, I'm not feeling like there's anyone in this story I can empathize with, which isn't good. I'm not getting a clear picture of who Rachell is or why I should care about her and her journey...you've got the facts down here, but almost no emotion.

EE, your "10 Ways Gods Can Get Out from Behind a Wall of Ice" was priceless.


Stephen Prosapio said...I hit the "God's" thing before I saw EE note it. Technically it sounds like it should be "Gods' Play" but I actually just like "Gods Play"

I would definitely clarify about the Ice Wall. It's confusing that they're trapped and then all of a sudden are able to do stuff.
I like the story from what I can tell though. Very creative and some nice touches (pig slop).

Good luck!


M. G. E. said...Seems the title needs work, first of all.

Since trapping gods behind a wall of ice is counter-intuitive and possibly even nonsensical, might be better to generalize on that point in the query and leave the book to expand on the specifics.

This passage is the real meat of the query, yet it's too general and too thin: "Rachell must bridge the gap between her people and the humans she despises..." This is the place for specifics of the plot.

I think I'd also restructure the query and begin with Rachell rather than the obstacle she faces.

And I agree, this was the best part of the query "a world of tattooed slave sorcerers, drug-addicted dragon riders, and one-eyed gods."


Joe G said...Next time I'm trapped behind a wall of ice, I'm hiring the Evil Editor to get me out.

Um, I got that there's more to the story than what you told us (clearly a whole lot more). I didn't have any trouble understanding the story, but I think you're going about your summary the wrong way. Here's what it sounds like to me:

"There are powerful beings who are mad at people so they release some awful monsters on the land. There's a 17 year old farm girl of noble but mysterious heritage who is The Main Character and therefore the only person capable of defeating the gods, somehow, for some reason. She makes friends, discovers herself, and defeats/or doesn't the bad guy/s."

In other words, the story of every fantasy story ever written. Just because you made your lowly pig slopper a girl instead of a boy doesn't mean it's not a trope...

I'm just saying. I've heard the story before so you haven't really explained to me why it's special. What's the neat thing you made up in this story that nobody else has? Where's your black cauldron? Your one ring? Your hugely complex world of magic? I want to know what's special about your story, not that it's a story about a lowly hero who saves the world. Yawn! I don't doubt that there are interesting things in your story since you hint towards them at the end, but don't be coy with me, lemme know!

Oh, and the title feels a little grandiose. Worse, it does very little to describe your story. It feels generic. Contrast it to a title like "American Gods", which says so much about the book.

Do the hero's journey, but try not to let us realize it until the end!

Does anyone else ever feel like... you'll be reading the fake plots, and a lot of them will be really clever and original and could be real stories, and then you read the one that sounds like 800 books you've read before, the inevitable one about the vampire/angel with the tortured soul who wins the love of a young girl, or the one about the naive but secretly powerful teenager who must save the world, and you instantly know without a doubt that this will be the query? People are putting more twists into their summaries than their novels :P


Bernita said...I agree with all of the above.
Slopping the pigs has a certain piquant charm though. Do save that bit when you restructure, please.


batgirl said...I like 'things are never simple when the gods come out to play' - keep that! What confuses me is that Rachell is The One because of her heritage, but it sounds as if her father and grandfather are both living - is the heritage from her mother's side? And the good old question: What's at stake for our heroine?

New Beginning 993

When I turned into Steve's street, I tried to walk more slowly. Tried to look less like you do when you're meeting the man you love.

Nobody would mind if I was a girl.

He opened his door the moment I reached it, and pulled me inside. He'd barely got the door shut again before he started kissing me.

My weight clicked the lock home.

"Thought you weren't coming," he said, when he paused for breath.

"Rachmaninoff."

"Again?"

"All the time." I drew him to me and then we were kissing again. Everything else faded to the periphery: the ache in my fingers, the smell of polish, even the door cold and hard against my back. All that mattered was to hold Steve close and share kisses.

Then we had to breathe again. I tucked my head under his chin and he began stroking my hair.

"All dressed up," I said.

"Some friends invited me over for dinner. Invited us, rather. They want to meet you."

"Wish I'd known."

He cupped my chin in one hand so he could raise my head. "Well, I would've come round and picked you up, but you've never actually told me where you live."

"Down by the canal."
 
"The canal?"

"It's easier if I'm close to the water."
 
"Ah, of course. Anyway, I can lend you something suitable."

"Rachmaninoff."

"Why don't--"

"I'll just go home," I told him, turning to leave. "Some other--"

Steve's hand was warm on my shoulder. "Slow down. I didn't spend half my life searching for you to let you get away so easily. We've got to get used to each other, that's all."

I smiled. Steve was right. This wouldn't be easy. Then again, being the only walrus-headed man in existence never had been. And, when his lips found mine again, I realized the difficulty would be worth it.


Opening: BuffySquirrel.....Continuation: Veronica Rundell

Face-Lift 1107

Guess the Plot

Proof

1. Non-fiction treatise examining the link between the decline in the IQ of American teens (as measured by standardized testing) and increases in 'reality' TV show ratings.

2. Food tasters are supposed to prove whether a monarch's dinner is poisoned. But when both the food taster and monarch die from a slow-acting poison, it's up to Jovan, the new food taster, to find the guilty party and prove it--before he becomes the next victim.

3. Fiona lives a life of confusion, constantly taking everything literally. When told the expression 'the proof is in the pudding' she goes on a frenzied hunt through bakeries and supermarkets, buying all the puddings she can find. Will she ever find the proof she needs, or will she be arrested as a public nuisance?

4. Mark drinks a whiskey drink, he drinks a vodka drink, he drinks a lager drink, he drinks a cider drink. But when will he find the drink with the right proof? Time, and a damaged liver will tell.

5. James and Nadia stumble on a meth lab in their grandmother's basement. Grandma's side project is funding their uncle's medical treatments, but now they've discovered she's selling to kids at their school. When the lab and all its equipment mysteriously disappear, they are left wondering how to accuse grandma when they haven't any... proof.

6. Motive, opportunity, weapon, eye witnesses, forensics . . . it's all part of proving who committed a crime. But detective Saul Durbun specializes in getting justice when there's no proof to be had. Not through torture, but through trickery. This is his first case.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Tasting food for poison might not sound like the most appealing job, but proofing for the ruling Fijoldo has been Jovan's family's secret duty for over a century. [Using the word "but" leads us to expect you're going to tell us the job is appealing in some way. You don't.] [How about: Tasting food for poison has been the duty of Jovan's family for over a century.] And it's easier to memorise characteristics and symptoms when you're driven to compulsive, repetitive behaviour by a frustrating mental illness. [Not clear what that sentence is doing for you. Get rid of it.]

But his years of preparation [Training.] seem inadequate when his uncle's trained palate fails [Are you talking about Jovan's years of preparation or his uncle's? It's not clear.] and the Fijoldo dies. [Is that how food tasting works? I always thought the taster ate some of everything, and if he didn't die a horrible convulsive death or at least get a tummy ache, the Fijoldo felt safe. You're saying he has to be able to detect the presence of arsenic in a pot of spaghetti sauce?] Suddenly Jovan is the only one standing between the Heir-his best friend, Tain-and a traitor [Assassin.] armed with an undetectable poison. [If the poison is undetectable, how can you say the uncle's palate failed?] Then the capital is besieged during the funeral by the country's native people, somehow incited to rebellion. [Somehow? Is this related to the death or is it a coincidence?] Even if the city can withstand the siege, racial tensions threaten to tear it apart from inside.

Jovan, his sister Chalina, and Tain can trust only each other as they search for their enemy. The more they investigate, the more they learn about the rotten core of their beloved country and their own families, and they begin to sympathise with the native rebels. Even if they can find and stop the poisoner, breaking the siege to save the city might come at too high a cost. [The poisoner has already accomplished his goal as far as I can tell. Is there reason to believe he's a serial poisoner?]

'Proof' is a 120,000 word novel that combines elements of fantasy and suspense. Based in a fantasy setting but without a supernatural element, [Any setting can be a fantasy setting. The elements of fantasy should be fantastical, not just made-up place names. If it were set in England or Persia or Rohan would it be different in any way, other than the king or sultan would be dead instead of the Fijoldo?] Proof is a story about how three people, bound by ties of family and friendship, are tested by tragedy, danger and betrayal.

I have attached [synopsis and/or chapters, consistently with agent's guidelines]. Thank you for your consideration; I would love to hear from you.

Kind regards


Notes

Has Jovan become the new food taster now that uncle is dead (I assume uncle died from the same poison that killed the Fijoldo, but it was slow-acting poison)? Did everyone at the table die, or just the Fijoldo? I ask because Wikipedia suggests that the food taster would be responsible for preparing and serving the Fijoldo's plate (having incentive to keep the plate poison-free), thus requiring the poisoner to poison the whole pot of Bouillabaisse rather than just the target's bowl of Bouillabaisse.

Is this a murder mystery, in which Jovan must figure out which suspect poisoned the Fijoldo, and how? I'm guessing not, as that would work fine without the backdrop of a revolution. On the other hand, if the main plot is the rebellion, we're spending too much of the query on the poisoning. You could just say:

After Bullwachia's monarch is poisoned, his heir Tain must deal with a rebellion and with knowing that the poisoner may target him next. So far the army is holding off the rebellion, and as for the poisoner, Tain's best friend happens to come from a long line of professional food tasters. So all is well.

What's the deal with racial tension?

Seems like a family of food tasters would already be sympathizing with the rebel cause. It's not like food tasters are high in the hierarchy of the ruling class. It was often a job given to a slave.

I prefer "king" to "Fijoldo." And "Tain" doesn't thrill me. It sounds like a combination of stain and taint.

We can do without the sister. We can probably do without the rebellion, but I may be saying that because I like a good mystery. Or because local is more interesting than global.

New Beginning 992

She lived back in the swamp, and her name was Delphie. The story was that if you laid eyes on Delphie and if she liked you back, she’d rub up against you and make your pecker turn to gravy. After that, you’d walk around town with your head hung low so that everybody would know.

Anyway, that was the story and as much as the old folks kept telling us it was nothing but a big lie, we chose to believe it. We ventured out toward the swamp on summer nights, on and off, just to see if we could catch a glimpse.

Sheriff Troy Hawkins, who’d served the county as its chief law enforcement officer way back when, said … yes, it was true that Delphie was nuts. He didn’t have any proof about the gravy thing, though, and he didn’t know of any men around town who had that sort of problem. Well, one or two, but the sheriff said it was more because of drinking than Delphie.

Sometimes, we’d go up on Artificial Hill and look down into the swamp, usually during the morning when it was sunny, hoping to catch a peek of the loony old woman. Going into the swamp was sort of scary.

Snakes and other critters.

“What if she likes you?” Jimmy would whisper. “I mean, your dick would turn to mush and then you couldn’t get a real date.” His eyes would get big and his nose would bob up and down, like he was in a circus.

 We were nine.

Now, sitting in this bar with cheap whiskey and cheap smokes, watching the cheap girls play pool in their short shorts, it's hard to believe we fell for all that stuff. Never did meet Delphie, and nothing turned to mush, unless you count the world around us. Everything's gone to shit since then.

Fuck, it's hard to believe that all happened only a year ago.


Opening: John C. Updike....Continuation: Anon.

Success Story

Amanda C. Davis, author of several openings on this blog (under a different name), reports that Wolves and Witches, a collection of stories and poems written by her and Megan Engelhardt, is available. "None of these stories appeared on the blog as openings, sadly, but we did have to query for it and write the cover copy, so thanks for all the practice!" More info here.

New Beginning 991

On the morning of the day before the first day of her life, she yawned and stretched. If it was raining, it didn’t matter. She stretched her long legs and found her robe on the floor. Not good. These things happen. “Hurry, you’ll be late!” The voice was firm, not from a harmless woman, but an understanding one. Unless, of course, she was late.

“How much?”

“Two kilos … and a loaf. Now, run!”

The young woman grabbed a light sweater, a canvas bag and bolted for the door. Yes, she would run. Another twenty minutes might be too late. No time for chatter today.

“Acknowledge me!” the acrid voice snapped, plowing through the misty morning.

The girl stopped and curtsied. “Sorry, sir. I was in a hurry. It won’t happen again.”

“I’ll speak to your mistress about your insolence.”

“Yes sir. May I be forgiven?”

He waved her along.

Down the broken sidewalk, around the corner and into the market, the girl stopped, out of breath. “Two kilos of sausage, sir. And a loaf.”

The storekeeper peered down over his glasses. “Cheese today, 75?”

She caught her breath. Cheese? The mistress did not say anything about cheese.

“I … I wasn’t told. Yes, no … oh, darn.” If she didn’t bring cheese and was supposed to bring cheese, that would be bad. If she brought cheese and wasn’t supposed to, that might be worse.

“Cheese? Yes, no … what do you think?” Her frustration showed. She looked at the sausages that hung from the hooks. Not many left. Not much cheese, either.

The storekeeper sliced the sausage. “You always take cheese, 75.”

“I … I know." She puckered up her face and tried to think. She stomped her foot. “I suppose so. Maybe not. I won’t be here tomorrow. Maybe she didn’t want me to bring it.”

The girl took the load from the storekeeper. She left with her faith renewed. It was the first time, when offering his sausage, a man had actually warned her about the cheese.


Opening: John C. Updike.....Continuation: Anon.

New Beginning 990

Behind me Moe and Larry played loud and vulgar pool in the sunroom extension, cigarettes passing between hands and lips. Their girlfriends danced to some headbanger’s screaming lyrics, tolerating the pool game in anticipation of getting laid. The steel counter in Bill’s Ugly-Assed Bar and Grill sparkled through the years of spilt beers, hard shots, and too many meaty abdomens leaning against it. I rested my head on my hand and regarded the bottle of tequila, like the unwanted ones, half gone and half to go. Call me Rycker. I was there sans hope, sans faith, sans happiness, sans everything but the shot glass, the friggen worm in my tequila, and Titus, that little guy, my keeper. If you thought I buried my best friend a week ago, you might be wrong.

“The Shrink wants to see us,” Titus said.

“He spoke?”

“He texted. You know text? That new thing.”

“The stool next to me is open,” I pointed.

“Not private enough, his office, noon tomorrow.”

Outside, brakes squealed, tires screeched, and with a bang, the lights went out. I heard arguing. Opalescent faces peered through the dim flicker of tea candles, the intimate ambiance of charnel house.

The fat guy behind the bar sighed at another night of dystopia.

I found his face in the candle-light. "Well, Bill," I said, "Whadda you think?"

Bill leant over the counter. "I think I should have chose a different name for my restaurant."
  

Opening: Dave F......Continuation: Anonymous

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Trapped in the Masquer- ade

1. Bad enough it's sweltering inside his bear costume, but then the Earl of Kent steps into an actual bear trap set by Lord Hughes, who's attending the queen's masquerade ball dressed as an 18th-century American trapper.

2. Ingrid Orlov finds it increasingly difficult to step into the fat suit that makes her look like a 700 pound blob. Not because it no longer fits, but because of her crush on Ted, the cotton candy guy. She'd like him to know she's really a 36-24-36 gymnast, but evil taskmaster Frank Birnbaum will fire her if she leaves her trailer without the jumbo disguise.

3. Abby Clary has no idea when she crashes a Halloween masquerade ball that she'll develop magical powers that allow her to magically transport to the year 1273. Now if she could only figure out why anyone would want to transport to the year 1273.
4. Janet Nash lives a lie. Everyone thinks she's a 52-year-old housewife, but she's actually a 27-year-old Russian spy with orders to infiltrate the garden club and acquire seeds of Professor Grimsby's genetically altered rubber tree -- because it might thrive in Siberia.

5. Michael wants to be one of the glamorous fashion designers he loves, so when Satan offers him a fashion line of his own in return for his soul, he jumps at the chance. He never thought Satan would stick him with a line of plus-size clothes for a cheap catalog catering to trailer park clientele. Is there any way to cut the thread?

6. Halloween pirate Sidney Inkleby embellishes his nose and chin with putty, adds a few fake tattoos and a gold earring and rents one of the most fabulous costumes ever created by Madame Zelda, the devious sorceress of Springfield, who, unbeknownst to Sidney, casts a spell on him. When he steps out the front door, he won't be able to find the car -- because he'll be lost in 1748 Cuba.


Original Version

Dear Agent:

“Lovely?” I laughed out hysterically. “This isn’t lovely; this is far from even being nice. Holding me hostage, keeping me locked away in a tiny, windowless room isn’t entertaining. Being smacked around isn’t hysterically funny. [Not sure I can buy that last one, as you were laughing hysterically three sentences ago.] Nearly becoming dinner a couple of times isn’t much fun either. Being stalked by a nameless skeezy idiot who thinks he’s god who thinks I’m ‘the one’ is far from being fabulous.” [First of all, we have no context for this speech. Apparently someone has just said to someone else, "Are you enjoying your lovely, nice, entertaining, hysterically funny, fun, fabulous stay in my closet?" but we don't know who either of them is, so all we know is someone's ranting to a bad person. Secondly, this is a list of several items, each of which makes the same point. You don't have room in a query to drone on the way your novel's character can in your book. Thirdly, this is no way to open a business letter. The safest bets are to start with your purpose (I am seeking representation for...) or start with your title (Trapped in the Masquerade is a...) or start with your main character (Tammy Charles doesn't know what she's getting into when she enters the haunted hotel...).] He laughed a deep cold laugh. It seemed that he didn’t get the hint. “I love your spirit.” [These last sentences should be a separate paragraph, as we don't normally have two different people speaking in one paragraph.] [Of course, as we also don't normally open with an excerpt from the middle of the book, you'll be deleting everything up to this point.]

In a masquerade, nothing is as it seems, [Actually, I went to a masquerade once where everyone seemed to be a normal person wearing a mask, and it turned out they were all what they seemed.] [Well, except the kangaroo. It turned out to be a real kangaroo.] and Abby doesn’t know what is real, what is a dream and what is real [You already said real.] or magic, and who she can truly trust and who wants her dead until all masks are removed [, at which point she can come back to life]. [You're hitting us with too much vague information about someone we know nothing about. Drop that and start with the next sentence.] Trapped in the Masquerade (89,754 words) is a supernatural tale that explores the idea of destiny versus free will in an action-packed young adult fantasy novel. Abigail Clary’s seemingly sheltered but normal life comes to an end [I suspect most readers will take this to mean she dies. Also, "seemingly sheltered but normal" is not a good description. It's vague, and there's no point in telling us her life seems sheltered if it isn't sheltered. I'm guessing her life, up to now, has been sheltered. I'd go with something like: Abigail Clary’s sheltered life takes a bizarre turn...] when she crashes Emerson Academy’s annual Halloween masquerade ball. The macabre outcomes from [events of] that night expose Abby to a magical garden, prophecies, and an unforgettable means of traveling through time. Abby tries to figure out who she truly is as she attempts to navigate [navigates] through a “cosmic pretzel” that interconnects Abby’s present time to 1273. As she explores her newly found magical powers, she finds herself in the middle of an unstoppable spell that means life or her death.
A novel is like a new pair of shoes; [it's hard to sell if it's too big or too small or too boring or if it has no "sole" so] you should fully try it out to see if the story is a good fit for you. [Fully try it out? Where do you buy your shoes?] I will be able to send the entire manuscript of Trapped in the Masquerade attached in an email on the day of your request or through the mail within five days [(I have a really slow printer)]. I sincerely hope you enjoy the story. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Notes
This is way too vague. All we know about the plot is that Abby crashes Emerson Academy’s annual Halloween masquerade ball and apparently gains the magical power to go back in time to 1273. Trying to find out who she truly is means nothing to us. Finding herself in an unstoppable spell that could mean life or her death could mean anything.
Start over. Dump the first and last paragraphs. Your first plot sentence can be: Abigail Clary’s sheltered life takes an unexpected turn when she crashes Emerson Academy’s annual Halloween masquerade ball. After that tell us what happens at the ball, focusing on the part where she develops magical powers. Then give us something about the significance of 1273, who the bad guy is, and what the bad guy wants from Abby. And conclude with the decision she must make that explores the idea of destiny versus free will.

Selected Comments

alaskaravenclaw said...Everything the Evil One said, yeah, and also:
Watch out for overwriting.

This is gonna be harsh, so hang in there please... I'm looking at stuff like "I laughed out hysterically", "He laughed a deep cold laugh" and "A novel is like a new pair of shoes".

Someone or other once said that writing should be a clear pane of glass through which one sees the story; someone else once said that good writing, like good breeding, never calls attention to itself. Try to keep it simple, both in your query and in your manuscript.

Hope this helps.


Khazar-khum said...I have no idea what's happening to whom or why. In a query, that's fatal.

Save the fancy writing for the book.

(Huh: MY word verification was 'byingul' as in. Yes, I speak ebonics and spanglish. I'm byingul!)


vkw said...The beginning sentences didn't do what you wanted them to do. 1. They didn't tell us about the story; 2. They didn't generate interest; 3. They didn't demonstrate a unique voice or idea; 4. And, I thought the dialogue was overwrought with overwriting and unrealistic. (No one talks like that-unless they are in a movie. And, your character isn't).

I have no idea what your story is about. I am a bit intrigued by the date 1273. I am going to google it, just to see if it is interesting.

Here is one example that just shouts "do over"; "an unforgettable means of traveling through time." I have to ask - is there a forgettable means of traveling through time?


batgirl said...Generally speaking, it's not a good idea to include a writing sample in the _text_ of your query. Still less is it a good idea to include a writing sample that still needs some rigorous editing.
There are enough awkward or mistaken usages in the query that I'd be worried the book was more of the same.
Author, I think you may be trying too hard to sound 'literary', and you might do better by letting your own natural voice take over.


Stephen "laughing out hysterically" Prosapio said...
I know what happened. I do this frequently. I'll be writing an email to an agent for representation of my novel, assume I've pasted the agent's name directly from the Preditors section of PandE, hit "paste" and voila! My weekly love letter to Alyssa Milano accidentally gets embedded at the top.

That's the only possible explanation for this query.

As for the "try it out fully" -- I imagined an editor paraphrasing a line from Monty Python's Holy Grail as he throws the manuscript into a pond: "If it floats it's made of wood and I'll burn it!"


alaskaravenclaw said...Vkw, you inspired me to do the same. Of 1273, Wikipedia sez:
"December 6 – Thomas Aquinas quits his writing of Summa Theologica — a master work of Catholic theology — leaving it unfinished after having a mystical experience during Mass."

Mystical experience, my auntie. He just realized he'd written himself into a corner, that's all. In those days there was a severe shortage of bottom drawers to stick your failed manuscripts into.


alaskaravenclaw said...The problem with "try it out fully" is it's condescending. The agent/editor presumably already knows when and why to request partials or fulls.


Phoenix said...Author, the good thing is that you were brave enough to submit your query here first. You have a terrific opportunity to write a really good query now that you know what doesn't work.

We all started out unsure of what a query is. I don't even want to tell you what mistakes I made in the early days. *facepalm*

But we learn.

It sounds like maybe your book needs another close editing pass to make the prose sparkle. While you're doing that, you can work on a couple of other versions of your query. Then come back here with a version that follows the formula a bit more closely and we'll help you whip it into shape.

Hmm, ARC, "mystical experience" eh? Gotta remember that euphemism for the future. Sounds like it could work for multiple occasions...


150 said...I don't want to make the pile one dog deeper, but I do want to mention to the author that we'll look at a rewrite if you stick it in the comments section: just read some examples, follow the advice and try again. It might, however, be worth your time to get a few beta-readers on the novel itself first.


M. G. E. said...This is one of the weirdest queries I've seen, its structure a bit manic, its tone a bit clueless, its plot rather scant.

Including an excerpt from your novel as part of the query--I've never seen that done successfully.

Part of the problem with an excerpt is that it's impossible for the author to read that excerpt out-of-context as the agent will see it. For we, the uninitiated, it's a mess; we have no idea what's going on or why.

Two more major sins:
- Fails to be interesting, in the sense of hooking a reader into wanting to read the book.
- Fails to be polished in terms of grammar, style, diction, word-choice, etc.

These problems are fatal to the purpose of your query.
This is a complete rewrite.


Adam Heine said..."A novel is like a new pair of shoes; you should fully try it out to see if the story is a good fit for you."

Cutely written, but it comes off presumptuous (and a bit pretentious).

There are reasons agents go by queries: queries ARE usually representative of writing skill, agents don't get paid to go through them, and some agents like to have a life outside the office.


Dave F. said...I feel bad for the author of this.

For nearly ten years, I was "secretary/treasurer" of a technical group that met ten times a year for lunch and scientific talk. I sent out the notices for the meeting.

I had a scientist and a secretary check every damn one of the notices because it was too easy to make one teeny, tiny mistake on a first draft, or second or third. A second or third set of eyes is always useful. It just beats up the old ego a bit. (pout, pout, wink)

So don't feel bad. You are not alone.


Anne said...One thing i thought of when reading this query:

Abby is the name of the main character in the Hourglass Door Trilogy- young adult novels.

Those novels also involve time travel and are pretty popular right now, so maybe a rename for your character?


The Clumsy Author said...Anne: I've never heard of the Hour Glass Trilogy until you pointed it out. I gave Abby her name because that was on of the four I picked out for my daughter, but wasn't allowed to use.

Rachel: I took a look around Miss Shark. That was really good site! Thank you for the suggestion.

As for all the other comments, I completely see your points. The first problem was, I really wanted to get everything out and didn't take the time to really edit it like I did with my original manuscript. So have reworked it and posted it on this comment section. Then I went back and looked at it again. This time, I had my creative writing professor take a look at it. Same with the first 200 words. If you'd like, I could resend everything for further consideration. It's up to Evil Editor and you if you want another look at the edited first 200 pages and query letter.



Evil Editor said...The author submitted a new version, which I forwarded to Phoenix. It's here.


stacy said...Great to know the author's taking another crack at this. That's the mark of a true writer. I'm intrigued about the idea.