Evil Editor's Blog, page 141

Face-Lift 1112

Guess the Plot

The Virgins of Kraa

1. Every year, the island of Kraa sacrifices one virgin to the great volcano. Right sick of this, this year the girls of Kraa have taken action, leaving poor, humiliated Henry the only virgin of the proper age. Hilarity ensues.

2. Wealthy yet innocent mogul Kraa has discovered one thing he doesn't own: a harem. He orders 40 virgins for his harem, and decrees they all must remain virgin, at cost of death. Boy, is he going to be surprised when he finds out what a harem is for.

3. Siddi is pregnant despite her chastity vow, and the priestesses think it's a miracle so they want to sacrifice the child to the goddess Kraa. Meanwhile a secret society wants the baby as their organization's figurehead. And Sid's parents want to murder her. It's a hard life being one of . . . The Virgins of Kraa.

4. The people of Kraa choose a perfect male for the noble honor of sacrifice to the gods, as has been done for time uncounted. Then waifish earther, Kami Sole, crashes on the eve of the selection tournament. Now the virgins struggle to find one reason to hop into the fire.

5. The dragon of Kraa had a discerning palate: he ate only virgins. Therefore Kraa’s rules of sexual propriety changed. Peghter was ten. Given a choice between an arranged marriage or the shame of the town’s concubine, he instead gathers heroes to defeat the dragon once and for all.

6. Emperor Kraa has not produced an heir, despite a harem of young women who are determined to be the mother of the next emperor. Follow their antics as they try to undermine each other and turn the emperor away from his beloved general and force him to perform.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I would like to offer my novel, The Virgins of Kraa, for your mockery.

Just because she was born on the goddess Kraa’s feast day, fifteen year old Siddi is expected to shave her head, don the white robes and serve in Kraa’s temple for five years. Forget it! Siddi soon finds ways to break her vows – especially the ‘chastity’ one – and enjoy herself while supposedly ministering to the poor in the teeming slums. [Is this book for teens? Usually if the MC is 15, the book is meant for kids a year or two younger than that. Whether parents want their 13-year-olds reading a book in which the 15-year-old MC is enjoying herself by breaking her chastity vows I will leave to those minions who actually have 13-year-old kids. Would the book be unfavorably altered if girls born on Kraa's feast day began their temple service at age 17?]

Pregnant, she flees from the temple, [I was under the impression she was breaking her vow to serve in the temple by hanging out in the slums.] knowing that her actions would bring shame on the family [This could suggest that she's hiding her pregnancy from her family, yet later she's fleeing her family. Do they know or not?] - and shamed families can only regain their honour by killing the child who shamed them. [That rule sucks. Especially if your friends' parents feel no shame even if their kids are mass murderers, while your parents feel shame if you wear clothes that don't match.] Siddi takes refuge in the slums and ekes out a living waiting for the birth of her child.

Arka, her only confidante from the temple, warns her that the priestesses believe her pregnancy to be a miracle, and a blood sacrifice of the baby will transform the goddess Kraa from a minor deity to the top of the pantheon, in accordance with prophesy. [Life would be so much better if we could just get Kraa to the top of the pantheon.] [I wonder if in ancient Greece there were followers of Pan, the god of goatherds, who sacrificed babies in hopes of elevating Pan above Zeus in the pantheon.] [Actually, for all we know, Zeus was originally the god of sandals, and only became top dog because sandal wearers sacrificed a lot of babies.]

Fleeing both Kraa’s followers and her outraged family, Siddi and the newborn are taken in by a secret underground society, the Naturalists. [As "naturalist" is a term that describes a large number of people in our world, maybe your small group in your world should have a different name. For instance, "Ferirama." I got that one using this fake word generator.] Their aim is to discredit the gods and build a society based on rational thought rather than superstition. But they need a figurehead to give their movement momentum – and who better than a baby targeted for sacrifice?

With a mad priestess believing herself to be the physical embodiment of Kraa now after the baby, and the king declaring the Naturalists a threat to the realm, Siddi really doesn’t need more attention being drawn to her baby and flees the Naturalists. She and Arka need to infiltrate the temple, discredit the goddess and make it appear that the temple itself is the threat to the monarchy.

Told in alternating viewpoints between Siddi and Arka, The Virgins of Kraa is complete at 80 000 words.


Notes

Pregnant, she flees from the temple.
Fleeing both Kraa’s followers and her outraged family...
Siddi ... flees the Naturalists.

That's a lot of fleeing. I would focus less on the fleeing and more on the one sentence that hints at Siddi doing something, namely: She and Arka need to infiltrate the temple, discredit the goddess and make it appear that the temple itself is the threat to the monarchy. We want to see the main character taking action to solve her problems, not fleeing every threat that comes her way.

I don't think we need all three groups (family, priestesses, naturalists) in the query. Possibly we can get by with just the priestesses. A paragraph introducing Siddi and stating that the priestesses want to sacrifice her unborn child is enough setup. That leaves plenty of room to tell us how she plans to save herself and her baby, what goes wrong, etc.

In my opinion, this society would have a law that if you get a girl with shaved head and white robes pregnant, you suffer a horrible amputation.

New Beginning 996

“Fuck you, Dave,” Rob snaps.

I try. Honestly. No matter how hard I focus, I just can’t stop. I’m choking and my eyes are popping under the pressure of keeping my laughter in, Rob’s evil eye notwithstanding. Mary Elizabeth? Je. Sus. Our buddy, Jake, tagged her on Memorial Day, but he’d been shit-faced. And Jake had zero standards. Rob, he’s our Alpha Male. Leader of the Wolf Pack, for good reason. Girls cling to him like sweat on balls—and that’s usually where they cling, too.

“Later asshole,” he hisses.

“Wait! Just, hold on. I’ll,” I mean to say I’ll get my shit together, but I snort loudly and my ribs shake. He shoves me backward onto my bed and heads for the door. My cell buzzes. Despite himself, he can’t resist checking. He knows I let most calls go to voicemail. I’m not good at faking conversation with people I don’t know well. It’s easier if I can work out a strategy. Call ’em back on my terms. Or, not call them back.

“Unknown,” he mutters.

That can’t be good. “Let her leave a message,” I say, sure it’s my stalker. “Why’d you give Jessie my number, anyway?” I demand.

He ignores my question and flings the phone toward me.

Sure enough, it's Jessie. The voice confirms it, muffled but loud. "Don't hang up!" Like she read my mind.

"I've told you to stop stalking me," I tell her.

"I'm not stalking you. I've done something stupid and you're the only one who can help me."

"This better not be a game, Jessie. What do you want?"

"It's not a game. I'm trapped. Your bedroom closet doesn't open from the inside." 


Opening: Veronica Rundell.....Continuation: Anon.

Face-Lift 1111

Guess the Plot

Haven in Hell

1. The true story of Benjamin "Bugsy" Siegel's drive to turn a sleepy little town into the gambling capital of the US. Also, a bonus Sinatra DVD.
 
2. Demon hunter Aldrick will do whatever it takes to save the woman he loves. And by "whatever it takes," I mean bring about the complete extinction of humanity.
 
3. When Mother Mary Therese discovers her lifelong nemesis, the miserly old pornographer across the street, repented at the last minute and got to Heaven, she realises her only escape from seeing him again is to find... a Haven in Hell.

4. Code named "Haven," she's the coldest, deadliest assassin in the world. Until she dies in a freak baking accident. Luckily, the devil needs a good hitwoman and he's willing to make a deal.

5. The Haven, an abandoned hotel in the ghost town of Hell Arizona, is refurbished as a luxury bed and breakfast. But it’s built atop an ancient Apache burial ground. Bizarre events occur. Guests vanish from their rooms, a paranormal researcher is disemboweled, and Joost Kraa recruits three virgins. Gretchen Borden, the proprietor, swears she’ll get to the bottom of it or die trying.

6. Life is perfect for Carmella. No matter what she eats she's a perfect size 2. Guys swoon when she walks by. If only the hellfire and brimstone didn't scorch her hair every time she tries to get close to Luc, the hottest guy around.




Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

In a medieval age where daemons have brought the earth to the brink of apocalypse, HAVEN IN HELL is the story of a man whose well-intentioned choices unwittingly set humanity teetering toward extinction. [Choices don't actually have any wits. You could say . . . a man who, through his well-intentioned choices, unwittingly sets... Or you could just leave out the choices part.] [Also, if the Earth is on the brink of apocalypse, one might say humanity is already teetering toward extinction, no matter what this man unwittingly does. It's sort of like saying: With the Lakers trailing the Heat 122 to 31 and two minutes left, Kobe Bryant's charging foul puts the Lakers in jeopardy of losing.]

Aldric, sworn against daemons and their ilk, hunts any that worm their way inside Haven’s borders. [What is Haven? A village? A country?] So why can’t he bring himself to kill the young woman at his feet? [My guess: She's a young woman, not a daemon or its ilk.] [Although not being a daemon, I suppose, doesn't necessarily mean you aren't one's ilk.] [Are vampiresses and wolfwomen considered ilk, or is it just those possessed by demons who are ilk?]

Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that Calaia just saved his life. She claims that she is not possessed, that the daemon slowly devouring her soul has no power over her—but that's impossible. Right up there with Aldric owing his life to a warlock.

From that moment onward, Aldric’s beliefs crumble one by one as he discovers the truth about daemons, their soul-fueled sorcery, and the goddess who safeguards the last of humankind. When Calaia’s sorcery goes awry and threatens them all, his only ally is a daemon. Can he embrace the enemy to save the woman he loves?

HAVEN IN HELL, complete at 90,000 words, will appeal to fans of Peter V. Brett’s The Warded Man and C. S. Friedman’s Coldfire trilogy.

Sincerely,


Notes

I'm making certain assumptions that aren't necessarily true based on the way this is written. I'm assuming Aldrick in paragraph 2 is the man from paragraph 1 who's putting humanity on the brink of extinction. I'm assuming Calaia in paragraph 3 is the young woman in paragraph 2 at Aldrick's feet. I'm assuming the woman Aldrick loves is Calaia, even though I have no reason to believe he ever met her until she saved his life a few sentences earlier. I could assume Calaia is also the warlock, as both Calaia and the warlock saved Aldrick's life. I'm not certain the goddess and/or the daemon who's Aldrick's only ally aren't also Calaia, though it seems doubtful. Now if the first paragraph read . . . story of Aldrick, a man who . . . and the 2nd paragraph read . . . bring himself to kill Calaia, the young woman . . .  etc., it would be clearer.

Saving the woman he loves, Aldrick's goal at the end of the plot summary, doesn't seem like such a big problem when at the beginning he had set humanity teetering toward extinction. Once you tell us we're all gonna die, we lose interest in whether Aldrick finds his soul mate.

Maybe you should introduce Aldrick as Calaia saves his life, then take us through the story up to the point where Aldrick is faced with the decision that will determine the fate of humanity.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Lack of Control

1. Adventure on the high seas, with gay pirate lovers, Spanish gold, and the horrible consequences of colitis in close quarters.

2. When the president loses his remote somewhere in the White House, right before Desperate Housewives, a state of emergency is declared.

3. Upon the death of his gay lover, alcoholic Air Force One pilot Mack Thompson relapses. Now he has two secrets - one dead, the other threatening the president's life.

4. Human #FGY-K7195 doesn't know that she is capable of ending the age of human subjugation created by the sentient machine Alpha System--yet.

5. Jenny’s diet is out of control--until a steamy new coach starts leading her waist-watchers group. Can she replace one craving with another?

6. From A-list actor to couch-jumping, cult-spouting cartoon fodder in mere weeks, life couldn't get worse . . . until Tom learned the agony of incontinence.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Lack of Control is a science-fiction novel about the life of human #FGY-K7195, a young girl enslaved by sentient machines. She doesn't know her parents, nor is she even permitted cognitive thought. It is only after she is rescued by a small team of insurgents that she even receives a proper name—Tensert Asil. [Well, it beats #FGY-K7195, but I'd hardly call it a proper name.] She doesn't yet know she is capable of ending the age of human subjugation created by the sentient machine Alpha System. [Wasn't this a Star Trek?]

After a botched mission to steal food from one of the factories, Tensert learns the fallen dynasty of her world had vowed to destroy Alpha System, and that she is the last in the bloodline. [Which means her parents are dead? Odd to have said, She doesn't know her parents, when you could have said, Her parents are both dead.] To fulfill this ancient promise, she must revive Ionos, the Chaos Warrior of a forgotten legend. [Right, the entire dynasty tried to destroy the thing, and they're all dead, but as soon as she wakes up Conan the Barbarian, problem solved.] However, the power of Ionos is sealed within the architecture of Alpha System itself—and Tensert must release it to save her world from Alpha System's warped sense of duty. [Typical teen, no appreciation for what her parental machine has done for her.]

Lack of Control, complete at 87,000 words and standing alone as a story, is the first installment in an epic storyline spanning multiple books. I have completed initial writings of the second and third books, and am currently revising them. The fourth is in outline form. [The fifth is currently a one-sentence log line, which I would be delighted to send along at your request. The sixth is currently nothing more than the first two words of a tentative title (The Last-). For the seventh book, I currently have the letter "r." For the eighth, I have the horizontal line that connects the two vertical lines in the letter "H." Book 9 will be a prequel, in which human #FGY-K7195 is born to human #FGY-T7166 shortly after her husband, human #KHX-Z3391 dies attempting to destroy Alpha System. I'm saving the prequel for last because it can be a bit tedious to read, what with each of the 120 characters being an alphanumeric text string.]

Thank you for considering this proposal. I would be happy to provide you with the complete manuscript and look forward to hearing from you soon.

Respectfully,


Notes

I wouldn't mention that you're revising books 2 and 3, as you'll surely be done with that task long before those books are requested. You might want to make it clear that Tensert plays a major role in destroying Alpha System. Right now one could get the impression Ionos does all the work, and Tensert just revives him. Surely there's more to the ending than a mystical legendary warrior taking on a sentient machine that could destroy him with one laser blast anytime it felt like it.


Selected Comments

kis said...I don't know about the name Tensert. Ironically, considering recent posts, I'd like it better backwards: Tresnet. Something about two words seemingly joined together--"tension" and "insert"--just makes me wince. It also doesn't sound at all feminine. (Not saying you should name her Katrina or anything, but it's unbelievably easy to change a name in a manuscript even when the book's all done. Hint, hint.

And is this a bizarre mix of Sci-Fi and fantasy? I get the Alpha System, but it doesn't seem to mesh with Ionos the Chaos Warrior. If Ionos is some kind of weird cyborg or something, you ought to mention that in the query.

And Lack of Control is as memorable a title as Striking Distance, and I'm probably the only person in the known universe who knows that's a cliche Coast Guard/cop thriller starring Bruce Willis, Sara Jessica Parker, and that guy Eldin from Murphy Brown. (And I only know that because I hate, hate, hate Sara Jessica Parker.)

I like the concept--I just don't know if I'd be able to get past the name Tensert. Just my humble O...


December Quinn said...I like the concept, too. I especially liked it when the Wachowski brothers made it a movie starring Keanu Reeves (although the second was so dumb I didn't even bother with the third.)

The query isn't bad, though, but you really might want to find ways to emphasize how this book is NOT like The Matrix, because this query really makes it sound like The Matrix meets King Arthur. War against the machines is good, but how does your book stand out? I agree with kis. Tell us more about Ionos.


BuffySquirrel said...If she isn't capable of cognitive thought, then no wonder she doesn't know her parents. Surely she doesn't even know there are such things as parents. How can anyone lacking cognition undertake a quest? Or is it really like The Matrix, where an adult can acquire perfect visual perception (and muscle tone) in seconds? (Yes, great movie, but still...)


kis said...Yeah, Buffy, I had a hard time suspending disbelief when Keanu went from atrophied and pasty to all hot and sexy too. I just had to chant my usual mantra :

"This could never happen in real life, this could never happen in real life, this could never happen in real life...."

It's effective on anything from Lord of the Rings to soap operas.


tlh said...Heh, I thought the Matrix actually explained that with a montage of what looked like several weeks or months of therapy? The part with all the needles and his hair growing out.

I saw the second one but forgot to see the third, which tells you how riveting the second one was.


Barbara said...I'd say that Chaos Warrior is a massively cooler title than Lack of Control. Lack of Control sounds a bit like a adolescent issues YA novel, maybe one about street-racing.





Anonymous said...Why is it always the "Alpha" System? Gamma or Phi at least allude to some interesting back-story. Alpha sounds like they achieved utopia on their first try.



kis said...Lack of Control: What my husband exhibited the last time I told him my nausea might be morning sickness rather than the 1040-hour flu....

I swear to god, if I ever have another kid, I'll name it after word verification. Zyhdz. Isn't it beautiful?


Anonymous said...

Lack of Control: What my husband exhibited...

Well, I'm glad I read on. This could have gone in a whole different direction...


Anonymous said...If Tensert isn't capable of cognitive thought, I really really hope this is NOT written in first person as that would be a major plot hole just by writing it. And really, if she can't think, she's quite a dull main character...


Rei said...Why pick on things like the atrophy problem in The Matrix when it provides you such lovely gems to go on as the whole "keeping humans for power and feeding them each other" notion. Just ignoring the obvious "why use something as troublesome as humans" issue...

Loudspeaker: "Paging the Second Law of Thermodynamics. Second Law of Thermodynamics, you're needed on the set..."

Director: "Never mind; we're just going to have to start without him. Lights!"


Anonymous Nick said...

Is this any better? Or not as bad?

Lack of Control is a science-fiction novel about the life of human #FGY-K7195, a young girl enslaved by sentient machines. She doesn't know her parents, nor is she even permitted cognitive thought. It is only after she and her father are rescued by a small team of insurgents that she is even given a proper name—Tensert. She doesn't yet know she is capable of ending the age of human subjugation created by the sentient machine Alpha System.

After a botched mission to steal food from one of the factories, Tensert learns the fallen dynasty of her world had vowed to destroy Alpha System, and that she is one of the last in the bloodline. To fulfill this ancient promise, she must revive Ionos, the Chaos Warrior of a forgotten legend. However, the power of Ionos is sealed within the architecture of Alpha System itself, but Alpha System has already leeched most of its strength. Now, Tensert finds herself reluctantly taking up the armor of Ionos to become the new Chaos Warrior—if she can overcome her own fears.

Lack of Control, complete at 87,000 words and standing alone as a story, is the first installment in an epic storyline spanning multiple books. I have completed writings of the second and third books. The fourth is in outline form.

Thank you for considering this proposal. I would be happy to provide you with the complete manuscript and look forward to hearing from you soon.

Respectfully...


There's a time-delay between when the story starts and when the plot in the second paragraph kicks in. Is that a problem?

Success Story

Matt Cramer reports:


Just wanted to say thank you...
This was one of the Face-Lifts from a long time ago - number 48. After one false start where it was accepted by an imprint at Penguin only to have them pull the plug on the entire imprint, it's now found a home with McGraw-Hill.
http://www.mhprofessional.com/product.php?isbn=0071804099

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot
 
Blade to Blade

1. A fly-on-the-wall look at a critical period in the career of Wesley Snipes, beginning with his smash hit comic-book adaptation, and ending with the disappointing sequel.

2. Marcellus wants a career as a soldier in the legions. Will his boyish looks and build be a hindrance--or will they lead to rapid advancement?

3. Two ice princess rivals are disqualified from competing in a national figure skating championship when things get ugly during a warmup session and they resort to using their footwear as combat weapons.

4. Vampire slayers and ninja fighters face off in the Ultimate Monster Killing Championships, and Los Angeles will never be the same.

5. Two dashing young men appear to be the catch of the ton this season, but the ladies will all be disappointed when they discover that Tom and Warren are leaving tonight's party together.

6. In a futuristic society, hockey players carry swords rather than sticks, and anything goes--including your opponent's head.


Original Version

Dear Mr Editor

BLADE TO BLADE, an alternate history novel, is complete at 105,000 words.

Set in a world where steam trains convey cavalry to the battlefield, [That's what makes this an alternate history? Horses on trains? Surely cavalry rode trains to the battlefield in actual history at some point. It should be something like, Set on an Earth where the Etruscans invented the steam locomotive in the 2nd century, and were thus able to easily defeat the Roman Empire using horses on trains . . . or, Set on an Earth where horses developed intercontinental rail transport, and become the planet's dominant species . . . ] Blade to Blade is sixteen-year-old Marcellus Aquilla's own account of his struggle to protect the reputation of a man who can't remember him: his father.

Marcellus, victor in every boyhood campaign, [Not clear what a boyhood campaign is. Little League military crusades? Getting through puberty?] joins the Suenna officers' school in order to earn a commission in the legions on merit--a goal he believes will be easily attained. Only in the legions can he progress without his father's influence; [Seems like he could do anything without his father's influence, since his father can't even remember him.] only there can their secret be kept. [Which is? Why is it that whenever Evil Editor receives a query for a book in which one character keeps a secret from another character, the author feels a burning need to keep that same secret from Evil Editor? It's good to come to love the characters you create, but betraying their secrets to your editor or agent is not the eighth deadly sin.]

His unexplained alienation from his father [Unexplained? His father doesn't remember him; that's explanation enough for alienation.] has convinced Marcellus that any relationship, once broken, cannot be repaired. Wary of friendship, and fearing exposure, [Exposure of what? Oh, right, the secret.] he resists the guidance offered by the retired soldier who runs the school. Yet they are brought together through their interest in a forbidden philosophy. [Scientology.]
Despite the drawback of his boyish looks and build, [Boyish looks and build? Hmm. Evil Editor is starting to get an inkling of what the secret is.] Marcellus deals forthrightly with the challenges the school throws at him, including a quarterstaff fight, inadequate kit, unrequited love, and a six-minute deadline to replace a dead horse.

["What's the problem, Aquilla?"
"My horse is dead."
"Then I suggest you replace it."
"With what?"
"With a live one, idiot. I'll give you six minutes."
"I meant, sir, where am I gonna find another horse?"
"I don't kn-- This must be your lucky day, kid. Here comes the train."]

But when he develops a life-threatening illness that shatters his self-myth, a career in the legions looks to be beyond even his reach.

Isolated on his family's estate, he now must learn how to repair broken relationships, or his father's secret may yet be exposed. [Pretty vague. What relationships must he repair to protect the secret?] [So the fact that steam engines transport cavalry to battlefields in this alternate history pretty much has nothing to do with anything? Are there any battles? Any horses on trains?] [Suddenly Evil Editor can't get an image out of his head. You know those little kiddie trains they have at fairs, where the guy driving the train sits on top of the locomotive? Imagine one of those trains, only the engineer is a horse! That has nothing to do with Marcellus, but sometimes when you can't shake an image, it helps to tell it to someone else; it transfers it into their head.] [It's sort of a cartoonish horse, by the way.]

I have been an Articles Editor for webzine Strange Horizons, Submissions Manager at NFG magazine, and thrown off a horse or two.

If you would like to receive a synopsis and sample pages, please let me know whether that should be by email or hardcopy. Thank you for your time.


Notes

The query isn't bad, and to improve on it, Evil Editor would want to know the significant difference between this history and actual history, and how it changes things for Marcellus. And, of course, what the secret is.

What are the "Blades" in the title? One imagines if the steam locomotive has been invented, people aren't still fighting with swords. Or is that the "alternate" history: weapons development hasn't progressed in 2000 years.

By the way, if people had hooves, instead of hands, do you have any idea how big your keyboard would be?


Selected Comments

BuffySquirrel said...Thank you, EE :), for the help and the laugh. I only had 250 words; it makes getting all the information in there hard!

Mad Scientist Matt said...Cavalry did still use swords in the time of the Civil War as their main weapon when fighting other cavalry. They typically carried guns too, usually revolvers or carbines instead of the larger rifles carried by foot soldiers. So, in and of itself, the combination of cavalry with swords and steam trains does not sound particularly like alt-history.


Anonymous said...I love checking back often to find the new weirdness that EE is poking fun at, but it does occur to me to wonder -- is EE simply posting his thoughts as he works, or does he actually edit. [I gather that "edit" in this context mainly means troll though query letters and submissions hoping to find the ones that aren't dreck.]


BuffySquirrel said...A British cavalry brigade that was available for action at the time of the "last cavalry charge", in 1917, was still using swords--although it wasn't that particular brigade that was chosen to carry out the assault. (Instead, it was a brigade of Australian Light Horse armed with bayonets)

I'm thinking that missing out the word "Roman" in front of cavalry was a big mistake...


Mad Scientist Matt said...I'd wondered from the names if they weren't Romans. So this is an alternate history as what might have happened if Richard Trevithick had been a contemporary of Augustus Ceasar.


Rei said...The first steam engine (the aeolipile, AKA "Hero's Engine") was invented in the first century AD, although it was only seen as a toy. History could have been quite different if its potential had been realized.

The first modern engine was designed (and possibly built) in 1663; the first proven construction was in 1687. It was used to power a paddle boat. Again, people were still fighting with swords quite a bit.

The first efficient steam engine was built in 1769, and steam power quickly started to become standard in British and German industry. The first "automobile" was built in the same year. Again, people were still fighting with swords, although swords were now mostly self-defense weapons.

The first true train was built in 1804.

Many types of technology do not necessarily advance at the same rate. If Hero's Engine had been taken seriously, steam engines could have become efficient and standardized before the west even heard of gunpowder.


Evil Editor said...Of course we're talking about the "engine" that pulls a train, not a random type of engine.


BuffySquirrel said...Okay, each key on my keyboard is approximately the width of my fingertip. A horse's hoof is maybe three inches wide on average. So, assuming a standard querty keyboard, that would be 30 inches for the top line of letters (q to p) alone. Add in a numerical pad and you're looking at perhaps half as much again. So, I'm guessing at about 50 inches (approx four feet).

But does a horse type with all four feet...?


Minion #667 said...Three-inch-wide hoofs? You must ride small horses.


roach said...I imagine that as a squirrel she finds Shetland ponies more comfortable than, say, draft horses. :D


McKoala said...A horse only uses two hooves to type. The third hoof holds his coffee and the fourth is playing footsie with the cute pony at the desk opposite.


ann said...In World War I, it was common to load 40 men and 8 horses on one rail car. Roman cavalry never developed to their potential because they didn't have stirrups, thus an insecure seat didn't allow them to use weapons where they needed stability, security and leverage. (Imagine trying to joust with no stirrups)
On the other hand, you hate to imagine a Roman legion with modern weapons ...

Back to writing romance, now ...


evil minion #667 said...My keyboard is 19" wide; the tip of my index finger is 3/4" wide; so if a horse's hoof is, say, 4.5" across, then a horse-sized keyboard would be about 114" wide (9 1/2 feet)!


BuffySquirrel said...I still laugh when I look at this, especially at the dialogue bit.

Face-Lift 1110

Guess the Plot
Mute
1. Nine-year-old Nur is forced to be caretaker of a gigantic, ill-tempered, mute creature that hates her. Think Beauty and the Beast, except Nur's face is covered with scars, so think Scarface Meets Mute Godzilla.
2. Eight-year-old Lisa is delighted when the mute button on the tv remote control also works on annoying adults and siblings. Even better, when she tries the fast forward button, it ages them by fifty years.
3.
4. Talkshow host Adelaide Scherbotski comes home one day to find her six brothers have been kidnapped by a crazed former fan of her show. The fan is threatening their lives unless the show goes off air, putting Addy in a race against time to find her brothers. Till then... the show must go MUTE.

5. I'd like to tell you what this story is about, and I will, just as soon as I break out of this annoying invisible box. Oh, crap, that's MIME, not Mute. I've been so wrong for so long...
6. When homely Ongyala the bard bested the lich Manzikar in poker, he let her pick her prize: beauty, long life, or wealth. She chose beauty--at the cost of her singing voice. Now all kinds of people are willing to help her out. Should she sleep with everyone in hope of a cure, or should she remain--Mute?


Original Version
Dear Evil Editor,
I would like to submit my 130,000 word science fiction novel MUTE for your consideration.
Nine-year-old Nur learns an important lesson when the adults in her life decide to sell her to the lung-eating denpars: difference is dangerous. [The good news, daughter, is that we put you up for sale on Ebay, and someone actually bought you! The bad news is the buyer is a gang of creatures that want to eat your lungs.] [Do the denpars eat only lungs, or do they just consider lungs a delicacy?]
Because Nur is different. For as long as she can remember, she's had a horribly scarred face- [Her face is] so horribly scarred that it's common knowledge that no one will ever want to marry her, and in Nur's society, that's practically a death sentence. Fortunately for her, one member of her village takes pity on her and helps her get away to find a new life. Unfortunately, the [her] new life Nur finds herself leading may be just as dangerous as the one she left behind. She's been forced to be the caretaker of a gigantic, ill-tempered creature called Mash. 
Mash may not be [is un]able to speak, but he's very good at making his feelings known, and the main thing he feels is that he absolutely hates Nur. As she struggles to care for this unpleasant creature, Nur starts to understand [realizes] that he's hiding scars of his own- just not ones that she can see. Time passes, Mash grows larger and more violent, and Nur begins to realize [sees] the choice she will eventually have to make: save him from himself, or save herself from him.
A science fiction story that grounds itself [grounded] in themes of abuse, healing, and the fear of the unknown, MUTE is a love letter to the natural world [That didn't come across at all.] and the compelling relationship that exists between man and [lung-eating] animal.
The idea for MUTE was drawn from my experiences conducting studies of animal behavior, which range from mist netting for bats to assessments of the evolution of cat meows. My experience in running a college creative writing club was also invaluable during the process.
Thank you for your time and consideration!

Notes
This is mostly setup. Nur is forced to be caretaker of Mash. Then some vague stuff happens, like time passes and Nur realizes stuff. Does any specific stuff actually happen? Focus on the plot after Nur becomes caretaker of Mash. What does she want out of life now? What's she doing to get it? What's standing in her way? Be specific.

A lot of unnecessary words, which may mean you could cut the book down to 100,000 words, making it easier to sell.

If you escape from your village, it seems like you have a choice where to go. Why go to a place where you're forced to be Mash's caretaker? Why didn't she go to Pleasantville?

Mash hates Nur, and Nur doesn't seem happy with her new position. Can't they agree to an amicable parting of the ways?

New Beginning 995

I’ve been at this school so long that nobody notices me anymore. But the new kid did. She came into the classroom, smiling at the staring faces, and did a double take when her eyes brushed past me. Which means looking, realizing something was different, and turning to look again, only harder. Then remembering it was rude to stare and pretending she wasn’t looking.

I gave her a sneaky rude sign when Miss Gordon was busy arranging a place for her next to me.

Her jaw dropped, but I knew she wouldn’t tell. One of the bad things about nobody noticing I was different anymore was I got into trouble just like everybody else. At the start, I got away with anything, because kids were too embarrassed to say anything, and the teachers didn’t know how to respond. Like they thought I couldn't possibly have known what was right or wrong, and I might melt into a puddle of tears if they stopped speaking to me like I was a deaf two year old. Which means talking, realizing that the person is deaf, and repeating what you said really loud and slow as if the reason the deaf can't hear is because people don't talk loud and slow enough.

Later I caught the new kid looking down her nose at me. Which means acting all superior, like humans are better than us sheep. So I gave her a dirty look. Which means I looked daggers at her, which means...


Opening: Jo Antareau.....Continuation: Evil Editor

New Beginning 994

The old sorcerer examined his hands in the dim dungeon light. Only one thing in his cell could cut sinew and bone. Because of his panacea, his teeth were perfect, and his jaw was strong. His little fingers were useless now so he began chewing. It was painful but not so much as death by fire.
The first phalanx came free and a moment later he gnawed the tissue off. He crawled on hands and knees, his shackles scraping the stone floor. With a bone to the right of the door, he sat back and began on the second phalanx. In an hour, five bones defined the points of the pentagram.
Next was blood. His fingers already clotted, he searched for something sharp enough for skin. A sharp iron point protruded from one of the door’s iron bars. Forcing his arm into it caused little bleeding and it healed immediately.
As he tried thinking of something else, he clicked his tongue as his mother had done hundreds of years ago. Then, he rushed back to the door. Using his shackled wrists, he forced his tongue into the iron point. He ripped it open and continued tearing it back and forth. Agony. But soon his mouth filled with blood. It was enough for the pentagram with plenty left for the priest.
After he finished, he sat back with blood in his mouth and awaited the young confessor. A fresh young body. It would feel so good to be young again.

By the by, a guard returned and peered through the bars into the dim cell. "Well, aren't you the messy one," he declared. "But at least you're still here -- were I you, I would have just conjured a doorway in the south wall and fled through the forest..."

The sorcerer considered the guard's words for a few moments, then rested his head on what remained of his palm. "Bugger," he said.


Opening: Thomas Harrington.....Continuation: Anon.

 

Success Story

Dave F. reports:

Perihelion published my short story -- Space Cadets of the Apocalypse -- which was New Beginning 974. The opening changed quite a bit as you can see and all to the good.

Here's the link http://www.perihelionsf.com/fiction_7.htm
thanks,