Evil Editor's Blog, page 136

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Time and Tide

1. A Tsunami threatens to destroy a  Pacific island - and more importantly, its last surviving Yellow Bellied Toad. Can dedicated naturalist Stephanie Peters keep the toad safe from harm in a bunker - or will both of them drown before starvation forces her to commit genocide?

2. A young man has visions of the future. Apparently caused by the tides. Anyway, hoping to profit from his gift, he sets up shop as an oracle. When, in a vision, he sees his fiancee murdered, he rushes home to prevent it. But will he find that seeing the future and changing it are two different things?

3. Shakespeare said that time and tide wait for no man, but nuclear physicist Phyllicia Higgs-Boson has spent her career trying to prove The Bard wrong. With "Atlas," the giant, pulse-pounding, heart-throbbing contraption strapped onto her back, can she stop time and reverse the tide?

4. Though the sign on the wall says "Washing Cycle 25 Minutes" it's really more like 40 minutes. It gives Miranda time to reflect on her upbringing in The Bronx, her abusive marriage, the suicide of her only son in El Salvador and the fact that those little packets of detergent cost more, pound for pound, than caviar.

5. When Professor Mendeldorf uses his time machine to go forward 50 years, he fails to account for global warming. What was Richmond, Virginia when he began, is now the Atlantic Ocean. And the time machine doesn't float. And the tide is in.

6. When Romeo Carp books a cruise, he's hoping to escape the rat race. But after three weeks without a port of call, he begins to suspect that time is passing a little too slowly. Is there any way off of a ship to nowhere?


Today I'm instituting a new feature. I call it Evil Eyes. How it works is this: as the query progresses, instead of inserting blue comments which invariably interrupt the flow, I'll periodically show the degree to which my eyes have glazed over. Here are some of the more common symbols, and the thought processes that usually accompany them:


Just once I'd like to pick up a halfway decent query. Maybe this'll be the one. I don't even care if the book sucks. Just a halfway decent query would be refreshing.






Uh oh, he's losing me already. Should I hang in there in case it becomes comprehensible? Nah. What are the odds of that?







I should have been an agent. One whose website says he doesn't accept new clients.







Christie Brinkley. I could make her happy.








Zombies? Did you say zombies?!!!








WTF?! Are you serious?









What are you doing in my office? No! Don't shoot! She came on to me! I didn't know she was your wife!










Original Version


Dear Evil Agent,

The Touched carry the blood of gods. With that blood comes power--at the price of their humanity. The Circle of Grimhild, an order of the Touched, once tried to conquer a continent, leading to the rise of the Inquisitors. When the Inquisitors discover a Touched bloodline in Nagryth, the Church drives the Elysian Empire to invade it in an attempt to quash the last bloodlines. But not even the Inquisitors suspect that some of the Touched have reformed the Circle.

Rudra, a burgeoning oracle, finds the pull of the tides gives him prescient visions. Despite his powers, he fails to protect Nagryth from the Empire. To save his people from slavery, he agrees to join the very army that conquered them. At least until a vision reveals an Inquisitor killing his betrothed. Though he deserts the army and rushes home, everything plays out as he foresaw it. His brother, Bala, saves him from suicidal revenge, but Rudra instead falls into fatalistic depression.

Rather than endanger his people by remaining among them, he flees into the heart of the Elysian Empire. Saving the life of a young noblewoman draws him into the service of her brother Agloval and gives renewed purpose to his life. But Gaheris, a rival noble manipulated by the Circle, attempts to seize power from Agloval. Rudra foresees the murder of Gaheris’s mother and fears her death with spark a war.

But his attempt to save her thrusts her into the arms of her killer and creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. As every dark future he has seen comes to fruition, he descends back into fatalism. Rudra loses his brother and his best friends, leading him to launch a berserk campaign against Gaheris and the Circle. But when he discovers the mother he thought dead among the Circle, he realizes the Touched bloodline survives in him. The power it offers might grant him his only chance to destroy the Circle, but the price could be his soul.

I am seeking representation for my fantasy novel Time and Tide, complete at 122,000 words, the first book in a series. I have a forthcoming short story in this setting accepted by The Harrow. I would like to send you a complete copy of the manuscript. Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

Rudra agrees to join the empire's army to save his people from slavery? What kind of army makes a deal like that? We were planning to enslave your entire country now that we've conquered you, but if you alone join our army we'll call off the whole thing? Wouldn't they just say, "We're enslaving your entire country, including you. Welcome to the army, Private Rudra."?

The first four sentences introduce The Touched, The Circle of Grimhild, the Inquisitors, Nagryth, the Church, and the Elysian Empire. I can't tell which of them, if any, are the good guys. We know the Circle tried to conquer a continent, but not if they succeeded, and not if we wanted them to succeed or fail. We know this gave rise to the Inquisitors, but we don't know if they rose from the continent, the Circle, the rest of the Touched, or none of them. The good news is, we don't care about anything in the first paragraph, so instead of fixing it you can scrap it.

When you're having prescient visions, how do you determine that they're caused by the tides? Wouldn't you think that if the tides caused visions, everyone would be having them?

You're hoping we'll care about Rudra, so start with him. Though he foresaw his country's defeat in battle, the oracle Rudra was unable to prevent it. To save his people from slavery he agrees to use his powers to aid the enemy--until he sees, in a vision, his betrothed being murdered (by the enemy?). He rushes home, but is too late.

Wracked with guilt and depression, Rudra's life no longer has purpose. Then he meets Agloval, a nobleman who is being threatened by an evil organization known as the Circle. Can Rudra help defeat the Circle? Or will the Circle be unbroken?

You can add to that, but stick with Rudra, and don't list everything he does. What's his goal, what's standing in his way, and how does he plan to overcome his biggest obstacle?



 






Selected Comments

Whirlochre said...This is a huge wodge of info and my guess is that if it makes it to publication, it won't be 122,000 words any more.

EE is right. It has to start with Rudra. It has to be simpler.

I've read this three times now and I'm still confused - there's too much going on.


benwah said...I'm utterly, completely confused. I had to re-read it several times to connect it with the GTP. The Touched, The Church, The Circle...I'm sure they have a rightful place in your manuscript, but they gum up the query. And an over-long query leads to heavy lids.

Wes said...You received sound advice. Don't be discouraged. We are all learning. The feedback I received after each submission is gradually sinking in. It's not the world I'm writing about that is important, but the characters and how much readers take an interest in their stuggles.


Dave F. said...It's a spring wedding of the Rosicrucians and the Mason's Occio Versace to the Illuminati and the Ratso-Rizzo conference of Opus Dei, Benjamino Rullo. The bridesmaids (from the College of Cardinals) and Best Men (from the American Catholic league) and the Boy's Choir of the Vatican are wearing virginal pink and pure white. The Flying Spaghetti Monster points the noodle of condemnation in my direction. It drips with the blood of Pomodoro


Prem said...Too. Many. Names.

And that's only after the first paragraph. Cut the whole thing out and tighten the next two paragraphs. If a name is not essential, leave just the descriptor. Bala could just be called "his brother" for now.


MAL said...I actually thought the blue comments were always pretty funny.

It sounds like the most consistent complaint is that the query is confusing. I'll do re-write and focus it more on Rudra and his immediate goals.


freddie said...I like the comments better, for the purposes of this blog. Although if I were an agent, I could see how the eye thing would be a time saver.


Anonymous said...I want the comments back!!!! They gave me something to live for. Pweeeez.


Anonymous said...I have to admit, I miss the blue comments. They were hilarious and my main reason for visiting your blog.


Evil Editor said...Man, try to do something different one time and people complain. For those who miss the blue words, Take the "Uh oh, he's losing me..." comment in the key and insert it in the first paragraph and imagine that it's blue. Now take the first comment in the Notes and insert it in the second paragraph at the obvious place. And imagine that it's blue. Etc.


ril said...Hey, that works. A little imagination and I'm right back in my comfort zone. Phew.

But, man, those Evil Eye things were funny. Don't stop doing that, whatever you do.


Phoenix said...You're made of sterner stuff than this gal if you made it to nearly the end of the query before your eyes glazed over completely.
Sorry, Mal. I was gone before the end of the first 'graph. But it sounds like you have a good grasp now of how to focus this puppy, so I won't waste any more of my brain cells over this version. I eagerly await your revision.


MAL said...A revised query:

Dear Agent,

Though a burgeoning oracle, Rudra fails to protect his homeland from an invading theocracy. He finds himself conscripted to the very army that conquered his people, but all he really wants is to understand the prescient visions the tides grant him. But when a vision reveals his betrothed executed by a Church Inquisitor he deserts the army to save her. Despite all his efforts, the future refuses to change.

Wracked with depression, he wanders the empire, eventually finding employment with Agloval, an imperial nobleman who gives his life renewed purpose. Agloval wants to use Rudra’s oracular abilities to defeat a rival noble house, while Rudra is more concerned with the Circle, a secret organization manipulating the coming war. His visions tell him that the murder of a noblewoman will spark that war, but his attempt to save her thrusts her into her killer’s arms. Rudra resolves to go to any lengths to destroy the Circle--but when he finds they have an oracle of their own, he realizes they’ve manipulated him all along.

I am seeking representation for my fantasy novel Time and Tide, complete at 122,000 words, the first book in a series. I have a forthcoming short story in this setting accepted by The Harrow. I have seen on your website that you represent fantasy. I would like to send you a complete copy of the manuscript. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Me


I've tried to take everyone's advice and keep the query simple and focused. I appreciate any further advice.


Wonderwood said...The revision is a damn sight better. I'm not the one to be giving query advice, so hopefully some others will drop back by, but this is much improved from the first draft. Likely it can be tightened even more, but I'm too tired to help. Good job, though.


Dave F. said...Agloval's appearance is sudden.

When does Rudra find out about the Circle's manipulation? I think that's when he tries to manipulate the fate of a noblewoman that he discovers their handwork. Before that, he doesn't know if they have reformed but when she dies, he knows for sure.
I think that you have to get that point across in the query. That sets up the climax to your story - Rudra's confrontation with the Circle of (forgive me) fortune tellers, seers, soothsayers and Cassandra wannabes.


Moth said...This new draft is much clearer. Still seems a bit more like a plot synopsis than a hook, though. You're just rattling off events and names without giving us a reason to care, or an emotional stake.

what does "the tides grant him" mean?


Evil Editor said...That first sentence is a turnoff.

After failing to protect his homeland from an invading empire, Rudra, a young oracle, finds himself conscripted to the very army that conquered his people.

sounds less high-fallutin'


talpianna said...The guy seems to fail at everything he attempts. Doesn't make me want to read about him. Is this antiheroic fantasy?


MAL said...Thanks EE. I like that first sentence much better.

Is Rudra anti-heroic?
I'd say more so because he's violent than a failure. He usually can't change the future, but maybe I can spruce up the query to mention he is good at his job for Agloval.

"what does "the tides grant him" mean?"
I took that sentence out after EE's revision. Thanks for pointing out the confusion.

"You're just rattling off events and names without giving us a reason to care, or an emotional stake."

Any suggestions?

"Agloval's appearance is sudden.

When does Rudra find out about the Circle's manipulation? I think that's when he tries to manipulate the fate of a noblewoman that he discovers their handwork. Before that, he doesn't know if they have reformed but when she dies, he knows for sure.
I think that you have to get that point across in the query. That sets up the climax to your story - Rudra's confrontation with the Circle of (forgive me) fortune tellers, seers, soothsayers and Cassandra wannabes."
I will have to think about how to revise the second paragraph to address these concerns. I don't have an answer off the top of my head. Your clarification about how he uncovers the Circle is more or less correct (though because I dropped the intro paragraph from the original, I decided not to go into the Circle being a reformed ancient organization or any of that).

Do you believe I can introduce Agloval just as an imperial nobleman (i.e. not named, just "Rudra finds employment in an imperial noble house")?


Sarah said...
Not sure if this will help, but...


After failing to protect his homeland from an invading empire, Rudra, a young oracle, finds himself conscripted to the very army that conquered his people. Without a mentor, he struggles to understand his prescient visions. When one of those visions reveals his betrothed executed by a Church Inquisitor, he deserts the army to save her. Despite all his efforts, the future refuses to change.

Wracked with depression, he wanders the empire, eventually finding employment with an imperial nobleman who wants to use Rudra’s oracular abilities to defeat a rival noble house. The visions tell Rudra that the murder of a noblewoman will spark that war, but his attempt to save her thrusts her into her killer’s arms.

During this time, Rudra becomes aware of the Circle, a secret organization manipulating the war. He resolves to go to any lengths to destroy the Circle--but when he finds they have an oracle of their own, he realizes they’ve been manipulating him all along. [hook about the fight between Rudra and the Circle].


MAL said...The further revised letter (minus credits, word count, etc.).

Thanks to Sarah for the pointers on wording it. Very helpful.


Query:

After failing to protect his homeland from an invading empire, Rudra, a young oracle, finds himself conscripted to the very army that conquered his people. All he really wants is to understand his prescient visions, until a vision reveals his betrothed executed by a Church Inquisitor. He deserts the army to save her, but despite all his efforts, the future refuses to change.

Wracked with depression, he wanders the empire, eventually finding employment with an imperial nobleman who wants to use Rudra’s oracular abilities to defeat a rival noble house. His visions warn him that the murder of a noblewoman will spark that civil war within the empire, but his attempt to save her thrusts her into her killer’s arms. Only then does he learn of the Circle, a secret organization manipulating the war. He resolves to go to any lengths to destroy this organization--but when he finds they have an oracle of their own, he realizes they’ve manipulated him all along. After losing those around him, Rudra makes a last desperate attempt to use his prescience to overcome the superior resources of the Circle.


Better?


Evil Editor said...Only then does he learn of the Circle, a secret organization manipulating the war.

But the war doesn't start until the woman is killed, so how much manipulation can have gone on at this point?

Is the Circle's oracle Rudra's mother? If so, that should be mentioned.


MAL said...Thanks EE.

Second paragraph with those changes made:

Wracked with depression, he wanders the empire, eventually finding employment with an imperial nobleman who wants to use Rudra’s oracular abilities to defeat a rival noble house. His visions warn him that the murder of a noblewoman will spark that civil war within the empire, but his attempt to save her thrusts her into her killer’s arms. Only then does he learn of the Circle, a secret organization manipulating the noble houses towards war. He resolves to go to any lengths to destroy this organization--but when he finds they have an oracle of their own, he realizes they’ve manipulated him all along. Worse, the Circle’s oracle is Rudra own mother. After losing those around him, Rudra makes a last desperate attempt to use his prescience to overcome the superior resources of the Circle.


Evil Editor said...The last sentence is boring, and you've already said he'll go to any lengths. The mother is the bombshell. I'd end something like:

Only then does he learn of the Circle, a secret organization maneuvering the noble houses toward war. When he finds the Circle has an oracle of their own, he realizes they’ve manipulated him all along, and resolves to destroy them. But will his conviction waver when he discovers that the Circle’s oracle . . . is his mother?


MAL said...Consider it done. Thanks again everyone. Feels like it's come a long way.


Moth said...This last draft is much better. The mother revelation has some nice punch.


Anon said...Late to the party . . . where the f*#k are the blue comments?

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

The Con- federacy of Heaven

1. Nasan Rattling- bones is caught up in a religious war. Seems the almighty ones can't agree on whether Nasan's people should be granted salvation in the next life, or something practical.

2. Robert E. Lee, Jeff Davis and all their long-dead cronies recall their glory days. But this nostalgic reunion of war buddies soon balloons out of control into a celestial civil war the angels will never forget.

3. When Jeb Stuart dies at Bull Run, he never expects to go to heaven, where God has a special place for fallen soldiers. The Stars and Bars fly proudly over the clouds...until the Yankees break out of hell. Can the Confederacy of Heaven survive, or will the cause be lost all over again?

4. Confederacy of Heaven is code for beer party behind the church at midnight. Or at least that's what Patty Arbuckle thought she heard. So now she's out in the cold, wearing her best outfit, and where is everybody? The only person in sight is Sister Constance, hurrying to ask what's up. Or . . . is that dark-caped figure . . . a vampire!?

5. Madge Gundarson is flabbergasted to arrive in Heaven and discover -- not a solitary magnificence or even the beneficent trio -- but hordes of gods of all descriptions doing battle with thunderbolts, ray guns, boiling lava, etc. She flutters around in bewilderment and finally returns to her old job on earth, serenely aware that life as a receptionist is really not so bad.

6. One hundred and fifty years after the war, the souls of dead Civil War soldiers are still battling away in heaven and God's getting fed up. Can St. Peter bring the war to a peaceful end or will Archangel Michael have to bust out the fiery sword?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Though the myths of townspeople and nomads differ, they agree on one point: there has been no rain in two hundred years. [Is it the myths that agree on this point, or the nomads and townspeople? I assume the myths, or why even mention myths? But myths have been passed down through the ages, and wouldn't include details like It didn't rain last Thursday.] Since the Stars cursed them, people have adapted to life in a sterile world by building fortified cities around the last remaining natural springs. Nasan Rattlingbones [Anagram: brainless antagonist.] is one of the nomads, people without a city who survive by trading for their water. But when the chieftain’s son [What chieftain?] dies in battle, [Who is battling whom, and why?] Nasan is unfairly blamed for it and outcast from her clan.

[Orryn Chiggerboom: The chieftain is dead. We were supposed to be protecting him.

Tactuine Swillspigot: We're in big trouble . . . Unless we blame it on the chick with the silly name.]

In the wilderness she crosses paths with a bird-spirit who claims to be her spirit guide but can’t quite seem to prove it. He’s the most irritating spirit guide imaginable, but he does manage to save her life on a couple of occasions.

[Bird-spirit: Hey, I've saved your life twice today.

Nasan Rattlingbones: I know, I know. But do you have to keep pecking my neck?]

After much pecking and prodding, he gets her caught up in a bitter religious war between the city folk. [I expect a little prodding from my bird-spirit guide, but if he's gonna be pecking me all the time, I'm dumping him and getting a hamster-spirit guide.] [Also, whether he's my spirit guide or not, if he keeps pecking me, my solution is going to be more immediate than getting caught up in a bitter religious war, and he's not going to like it.]

Humanity will soon get the chance to plead its case with the Stars who rule the universe. Should they plead for salvation in the next life, or something more practical, like rain? [Let's see, joy, love and the wonders of the universe for eternity, or a glass of water tonight? I am pretty thirsty.] There are armed cities and Stars that walk the earth on both sides of the issue, and they become increasingly willing to kill as the time for judgment draws near. [Kill whom, and why? I'm not getting this. The "issue" doesn't sound like something rulers of the universe would kill for. What exactly is the issue?] Nasan signs up with a rebel Star’s army, but she soon finds she can’t trust Stars or even her own spirit guide. [At least the Stars don't keep pecking her.] Why won’t the bird-spirit tell her what the war has to do with her? [More importantly, why won't you tell us what the war has to do with her?] [Also, maybe the bird is telling her, in Morse code.]

The Confederacy of Heaven is a young adult fantasy novel, [If you don't tell us it's YA up front, you should tell us Nasan's age up front.] complete at 70,000 words. I have included the first page and the synopsis according to your guidelines. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

Are the Stars fighting because they can't agree on whether to give the people rain or eternal salvation? Why don't they give them both? They rule the universe; they can do whatever they want.

Why is Nasan blamed for the chieftain dying in battle? Was she present when he died? I would dump the chieftain and the battle from the query. Just introduce Nasan as a nomad without a city who survives by trading for water.

What do myths have to do with it? Have myths about a curse developed to explain the lack of rain, even though there's a scientific explanation like they live in a desert or like the Stars really do have the ability to curse the people? I don't see that myths are involved.

It could be pretty funny if the bird does a lot of pecking. Especially if the bird turns out not to be Nasan's spirit guide, but a common bird who claims to be a spirit guide so it can get away with excessive pecking. There's no such thing as too much pecking. By the end Nasan's body should be covered with peck marks. Then the bird, which is a serial pecker, says, "My work here is done," and flies off to find another gullible victim.

If you change Nasan's name to Assani, not only will it sound like a girl's name instead of a decongestant; it really will be an anagram of brainless antagonist.


Selected Comments

Dave F. said...I really don't know what your story or plot is after reading this. Nasan Rattlingbones lives on a desert world that hasn't had rain in 200 years. The belief is that the gods (Stars) have cursed the planet. Well, it ain't the first desert planet, Arrakis/Dune, Shai-Hulud - immediately comes to mind. I like desert and phallic-shaped sandworms. But I digress.
And like all good humans, the denizens of (what was that name again?) fight and kill each other over the lack of anything important. I.E. That descendant-of-a-monkey insulted me. that pervert tried to breathe the same air. I need to piddle in your river. He tried to kill my Daddy... Sounds like the evening news to me.

The, what you seem to say in this query - - is that LIFE on this nameless world is going to get worse.

We're all going to die. We're all going to die!
Well, we all do die, eventually, but this "die" is sooner rather than the later "die."

The gods (Stars) are bringing on the Apocalypse / Armageddon / End Times / Rapture / Judgement (etc...) and the gods ain't coming on clouds of glory with the Celestial City twinkling and sparkling behind them. no, these ain't benevolent gods.

For the glory of heaven and the thrill of victory, these gods are also fighting among themselves. I guess we were created in their image. (Please don't tell me I'm sacrilegious, blasphemous, and ungodly. this comment does not reflect my religious beliefs.)

Nasan Rattlingbones is the savior/traitor who can tip the war between the gods and give - planet X - a choice?

OO-LALA! It's a "DIE SILLY HUMANS" or live your short meaningless lives on this desert world with rain ---- choice. Wow, what a choice - immortal life with the squabbling gods who cursed me or drudging along in the sandy mud until I die of natural causes and then go to stay with the gods who cursed me.

This obviously is not your story.


Xiexie said...I think you just need some clarity.

There's a war going on between the gods-and-humans on one side and the gods-and-humans on the other. Nasan is caught in the middle of it. (And her dealing with her "spirit-guide" kind of reminds me of Mulan.

Now what I don't understand is why this war is going on, and what Nasan brings to it.


pjd said...Although I don't entirely understand all of them, I'll echo Dave's comments. Though why he ends with "this obviously is not your story," I'm not sure. Especially after starting with "I don't know what your story is." Oh, I'm also not as enamored of phallus-shaped giant worms as he is, but that's really neither here nor there.
For me, most of this appears arbitrarily pieced together and sort of "so what." I don't connect with Nasan at all through this query. I think you've got a structural problem in your query that I hope does not reflect the actual manuscript.

Look at your first paragraph. You start with myths and nomads and townspeople, then drought, then Stars and curses. We don't get a character until well into that paragraph, and then there's a lot of background.

Start with something like this: Ever since Nasan Rattlingbones was unfairly expelled from her nomadic clan, she has been trying to avoid getting caught up in a raging religious war. Without rain for over 200 years... Just a thought. It might help you rethink how you're approaching the description of your story.


Margaret said...Okay, it looks like a lot of pecking, er, explanation, is in order.

You're right about the organization. It's a real complicated situation, which I'm having trouble summarizing well.

This is post-apocalyptic Earth, actually. We, the ancients, were getting too technologically above ourselves and fighting too many wars, so the stars took away the rain. Every 100 years we get the chance to send one representative to Heaven to explain why we've learned our lesson and we deserve the rain back.

The myths differ on what happened the first time we plead our case. The nomads believe that the first guy simply failed. Townspeople say that he negotiated with the stars, and gave up rain for the living so that the dead could go to Heaven. Now the 200-year anniversary is coming up, and the cities are fighting over they should send as the representative. Stars who protested against taking away the rain and were exiled to Earth are fighting on the "give them rain" side. All the other stars think we need to be punished some more, and they fight mostly through human deputies.

Nasan’s supposed to be the next representative. The bird-spirit isn’t really her spirit guide; it’s his job to pick the next representative, and he picked Nasan (by accident). He can't tell her what he's up to because of a binding curse; he can only prod her in the right direction. Until just after halfway through the book, when she finds out what he's really up to, and she's not happy.

Which chieftain? The chieftain of, well, her clan. The Clan of the Rattling Bones. Chieftain's son wants to marry her, chieftain is not happy about it. They try to attack a walled city to steal their water because their own water supply is destroyed. Chieftain's son gets shot. Chieftain blames her because he hates her anyway, and his rationale is that she should have been looking out for him in battle.


Evil Editor said...Like most authors, you summarize the situation much more clearly when you're annoyed with EE than when you aren't. I gotta find a way to bring out the vitriol before the query letter is sent.


Margaret said...No, no, I'm not annoyed with EE. EE points out the stupid, obvious stuff that I'm missing, like exactly what the chieftain is chieftain of. After a healthy dose of ridicule, I summarize much better.


Kings Falcon said...Okay, the longer summary is much more interesting. If you focus every sentance of it on Nasan's (which I thought sounded like the car) journey it might seem less disjointed.
The main thrust of the story seems to be her being picked, her asking the gods to help and getting caught up in the gods' war. If that's true, the details about the chieftan's son, the myths and the wars between the cities can probably be cut from the query.


Maybe something like:

Every 100 years, the inhabitants of the planet, Evil Monkeyville, send one inhabitant to petition the gods for the return of rain. Thier second chance is upon them.

While the various governments bicker over who should be sent, Raven, the spirit-bird charged by the gods to choose the representative botches the job.

Nasan, a teenage (?) outcast from her nomadic tribe, just wants to start over in the city. But Raven's excessive pecking is giving her pock marks. She agrees to beseech the gods unaware that her request will propel her into a battle of mythical proportions.

So, NOW WHAT HAPPENS???

Hope this helps. Good luck.

Evil Editor Clasics

Guess the Plot

The Con- federacy of Heaven

1. Nasan Rattling- bones is caught up in a religious war. Seems the almighty ones can't agree on whether Nasan's people should be granted salvation in the next life, or something practical.

2. Robert E. Lee, Jeff Davis and all their long-dead cronies recall their glory days. But this nostalgic reunion of war buddies soon balloons out of control into a celestial civil war the angels will never forget.

3. When Jeb Stuart dies at Bull Run, he never expects to go to heaven, where God has a special place for fallen soldiers. The Stars and Bars fly proudly over the clouds...until the Yankees break out of hell. Can the Confederacy of Heaven survive, or will the cause be lost all over again?

4. Confederacy of Heaven is code for beer party behind the church at midnight. Or at least that's what Patty Arbuckle thought she heard. So now she's out in the cold, wearing her best outfit, and where is everybody? The only person in sight is Sister Constance, hurrying to ask what's up. Or . . . is that dark-caped figure . . . a vampire!?

5. Madge Gundarson is flabbergasted to arrive in Heaven and discover -- not a solitary magnificence or even the beneficent trio -- but hordes of gods of all descriptions doing battle with thunderbolts, ray guns, boiling lava, etc. She flutters around in bewilderment and finally returns to her old job on earth, serenely aware that life as a receptionist is really not so bad.

6. One hundred and fifty years after the war, the souls of dead Civil War soldiers are still battling away in heaven and God's getting fed up. Can St. Peter bring the war to a peaceful end or will Archangel Michael have to bust out the fiery sword?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Though the myths of townspeople and nomads differ, they agree on one point: there has been no rain in two hundred years. [Is it the myths that agree on this point, or the nomads and townspeople? I assume the myths, or why even mention myths? But myths have been passed down through the ages, and wouldn't include details like It didn't rain last Thursday.] Since the Stars cursed them, people have adapted to life in a sterile world by building fortified cities around the last remaining natural springs. Nasan Rattlingbones [Anagram: brainless antagonist.] is one of the nomads, people without a city who survive by trading for their water. But when the chieftain’s son [What chieftain?] dies in battle, [Who is battling whom, and why?] Nasan is unfairly blamed for it and outcast from her clan.

[Orryn Chiggerboom: The chieftain is dead. We were supposed to be protecting him.

Tactuine Swillspigot: We're in big trouble . . . Unless we blame it on the chick with the silly name.]

In the wilderness she crosses paths with a bird-spirit who claims to be her spirit guide but can’t quite seem to prove it. He’s the most irritating spirit guide imaginable, but he does manage to save her life on a couple of occasions.

[Bird-spirit: Hey, I've saved your life twice today.

Nasan Rattlingbones: I know, I know. But do you have to keep pecking my neck?]

After much pecking and prodding, he gets her caught up in a bitter religious war between the city folk. [I expect a little prodding from my bird-spirit guide, but if he's gonna be pecking me all the time, I'm dumping him and getting a hamster-spirit guide.] [Also, whether he's my spirit guide or not, if he keeps pecking me, my solution is going to be more immediate than getting caught up in a bitter religious war, and he's not going to like it.]

Humanity will soon get the chance to plead its case with the Stars who rule the universe. Should they plead for salvation in the next life, or something more practical, like rain? [Let's see, joy, love and the wonders of the universe for eternity, or a glass of water tonight? I am pretty thirsty.] There are armed cities and Stars that walk the earth on both sides of the issue, and they become increasingly willing to kill as the time for judgment draws near. [Kill whom, and why? I'm not getting this. The "issue" doesn't sound like something rulers of the universe would kill for. What exactly is the issue?] Nasan signs up with a rebel Star’s army, but she soon finds she can’t trust Stars or even her own spirit guide. [At least the Stars don't keep pecking her.] Why won’t the bird-spirit tell her what the war has to do with her? [More importantly, why won't you tell us what the war has to do with her?] [Also, maybe the bird is telling her, in Morse code.]

The Confederacy of Heaven is a young adult fantasy novel, [If you don't tell us it's YA up front, you should tell us Nasan's age up front.] complete at 70,000 words. I have included the first page and the synopsis according to your guidelines. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

Are the Stars fighting because they can't agree on whether to give the people rain or eternal salvation? Why don't they give them both? They rule the universe; they can do whatever they want.

Why is Nasan blamed for the chieftain dying in battle? Was she present when he died? I would dump the chieftain and the battle from the query. Just introduce Nasan as a nomad without a city who survives by trading for water.

What do myths have to do with it? Have myths about a curse developed to explain the lack of rain, even though there's a scientific explanation like they live in a desert or like the Stars really do have the ability to curse the people? I don't see that myths are involved.

It could be pretty funny if the bird does a lot of pecking. Especially if the bird turns out not to be Nasan's spirit guide, but a common bird who claims to be a spirit guide so it can get away with excessive pecking. There's no such thing as too much pecking. By the end Nasan's body should be covered with peck marks. Then the bird, which is a serial pecker, says, "My work here is done," and flies off to find another gullible victim.

If you change Nasan's name to Assani, not only will it sound like a girl's name instead of a decongestant; it really will be an anagram of brainless antagonist.


Selected Comments

Dave F. said...I really don't know what your story or plot is after reading this. Nasan Rattlingbones lives on a desert world that hasn't had rain in 200 years. The belief is that the gods (Stars) have cursed the planet. Well, it ain't the first desert planet, Arrakis/Dune, Shai-Hulud - immediately comes to mind. I like desert and phallic-shaped sandworms. But I digress.
And like all good humans, the denizens of (what was that name again?) fight and kill each other over the lack of anything important. I.E. That descendant-of-a-monkey insulted me. that pervert tried to breathe the same air. I need to piddle in your river. He tried to kill my Daddy... Sounds like the evening news to me.

The, what you seem to say in this query - - is that LIFE on this nameless world is going to get worse.

We're all going to die. We're all going to die!
Well, we all do die, eventually, but this "die" is sooner rather than the later "die."

The gods (Stars) are bringing on the Apocalypse / Armageddon / End Times / Rapture / Judgement (etc...) and the gods ain't coming on clouds of glory with the Celestial City twinkling and sparkling behind them. no, these ain't benevolent gods.

For the glory of heaven and the thrill of victory, these gods are also fighting among themselves. I guess we were created in their image. (Please don't tell me I'm sacrilegious, blasphemous, and ungodly. this comment does not reflect my religious beliefs.)

Nasan Rattlingbones is the savior/traitor who can tip the war between the gods and give - planet X - a choice?

OO-LALA! It's a "DIE SILLY HUMANS" or live your short meaningless lives on this desert world with rain ---- choice. Wow, what a choice - immortal life with the squabbling gods who cursed me or drudging along in the sandy mud until I die of natural causes and then go to stay with the gods who cursed me.

This obviously is not your story.


Xiexie said...I think you just need some clarity.

There's a war going on between the gods-and-humans on one side and the gods-and-humans on the other. Nasan is caught in the middle of it. (And her dealing with her "spirit-guide" kind of reminds me of Mulan.

Now what I don't understand is why this war is going on, and what Nasan brings to it.


pjd said...Although I don't entirely understand all of them, I'll echo Dave's comments. Though why he ends with "this obviously is not your story," I'm not sure. Especially after starting with "I don't know what your story is." Oh, I'm also not as enamored of phallus-shaped giant worms as he is, but that's really neither here nor there.
For me, most of this appears arbitrarily pieced together and sort of "so what." I don't connect with Nasan at all through this query. I think you've got a structural problem in your query that I hope does not reflect the actual manuscript.

Look at your first paragraph. You start with myths and nomads and townspeople, then drought, then Stars and curses. We don't get a character until well into that paragraph, and then there's a lot of background.

Start with something like this: Ever since Nasan Rattlingbones was unfairly expelled from her nomadic clan, she has been trying to avoid getting caught up in a raging religious war. Without rain for over 200 years... Just a thought. It might help you rethink how you're approaching the description of your story.


Margaret said...Okay, it looks like a lot of pecking, er, explanation, is in order.

You're right about the organization. It's a real complicated situation, which I'm having trouble summarizing well.

This is post-apocalyptic Earth, actually. We, the ancients, were getting too technologically above ourselves and fighting too many wars, so the stars took away the rain. Every 100 years we get the chance to send one representative to Heaven to explain why we've learned our lesson and we deserve the rain back.

The myths differ on what happened the first time we plead our case. The nomads believe that the first guy simply failed. Townspeople say that he negotiated with the stars, and gave up rain for the living so that the dead could go to Heaven. Now the 200-year anniversary is coming up, and the cities are fighting over they should send as the representative. Stars who protested against taking away the rain and were exiled to Earth are fighting on the "give them rain" side. All the other stars think we need to be punished some more, and they fight mostly through human deputies.

Nasan’s supposed to be the next representative. The bird-spirit isn’t really her spirit guide; it’s his job to pick the next representative, and he picked Nasan (by accident). He can't tell her what he's up to because of a binding curse; he can only prod her in the right direction. Until just after halfway through the book, when she finds out what he's really up to, and she's not happy.

Which chieftain? The chieftain of, well, her clan. The Clan of the Rattling Bones. Chieftain's son wants to marry her, chieftain is not happy about it. They try to attack a walled city to steal their water because their own water supply is destroyed. Chieftain's son gets shot. Chieftain blames her because he hates her anyway, and his rationale is that she should have been looking out for him in battle.


Evil Editor said...Like most authors, you summarize the situation much more clearly when you're annoyed with EE than when you aren't. I gotta find a way to bring out the vitriol before the query letter is sent.


Margaret said...No, no, I'm not annoyed with EE. EE points out the stupid, obvious stuff that I'm missing, like exactly what the chieftain is chieftain of. After a healthy dose of ridicule, I summarize much better.


Kings Falcon said...Okay, the longer summary is much more interesting. If you focus every sentance of it on Nasan's (which I thought sounded like the car) journey it might seem less disjointed.
The main thrust of the story seems to be her being picked, her asking the gods to help and getting caught up in the gods' war. If that's true, the details about the chieftan's son, the myths and the wars between the cities can probably be cut from the query.


Maybe something like:

Every 100 years, the inhabitants of the planet, Evil Monkeyville, send one inhabitant to petition the gods for the return of rain. Thier second chance is upon them.

While the various governments bicker over who should be sent, Raven, the spirit-bird charged by the gods to choose the representative botches the job.

Nasan, a teenage (?) outcast from her nomadic tribe, just wants to start over in the city. But Raven's excessive pecking is giving her pock marks. She agrees to beseech the gods unaware that her request will propel her into a battle of mythical proportions.

So, NOW WHAT HAPPENS???

Hope this helps. Good luck.

New Beginning 1001

Despite my longing for a goddess the hunt was my favorite part of the game. I had enjoyed plenty of evenings as the hunter but now preferred women come to me. They would tap me on the shoulder or pinch my ass and steal me to a reserved corner. My skills with women were sharp, they competed shamelessly for my attention.

The most populated orgy of the year did not begin until the third night of the summer solstice party. My guests arrived masked for the reputations of politicians and aristocrats had to be guarded. At sundown house servants lined candles in glass domes along the carriage drive. Hundreds of Thomas Chippendale canopy beds surrounded by lanterns framed my estate. Many stood at windows and marveled at the panorama when they arrived.

We lived for those nights, and during the revel of seventeen sixty-two I was rendered immortal.

The opening ceremony began the way it had for centuries. All we knew was that it was a tradition to establish order to lustful chaos. The thirteen goddesses waited for us, and I anticipated their presence with yearning.

But some ninny got the purchase order wrong and thirteen carloads of clowns arrived in our eagerly lustful presence. It was a culture clash of ass pinching and tweeting horns, of fake red noses and engorged red prongs, of balloon animals fashioned from condoms and seltzer bottles that sprayed lavender lubricant. 

By morning, each of the thirteen goddess had a pair of newly deflowered followers, I had my immortality prize for creating the best debauch in the eighteenth century, and the resulting offspring were knee high to a prat and just as sassy. 


Opening: Elizabeth Tudor.....Continuation: Dave

Return of New Beginnings?

It's been a while since anyone submitted a query. Hint hint. Meanwhile I've had a couple inquiries about openings. One trouble with openings is that by the time a good continuation comes in, the person who sent the opening may have forgotten all about it. Perhaps a new system is in order, whereby the opening is posted, and both feedback and continuations may be sent as comments. Eventually a continuation gets "chosen." We can try it with this opening that just came in:



Despite my longing for a goddess the hunt was my favorite part of the game. I had enjoyed plenty of evenings as the hunter but now preferred women come to me. They would tap me on the shoulder or pinch my ass and steal me to a reserved corner. My skills with women were sharp, they competed shamelessly for my attention.

The most populated orgy of the year did not begin until the third night of the summer solstice party. My guests arrived masked for the reputations of politicians and aristocrats had to be guarded. At sundown house servants lined candles in glass domes along the carriage drive. Hundreds of Thomas Chippendale canopy beds surrounded by lanterns framed my estate. Many stood at windows and marveled at the panorama when they arrived.

We lived for those nights, and during the revel of seventeen sixty-two I was rendered immortal.

The opening ceremony began the way it had for centuries. All we knew was that it was a tradition to establish order to lustful chaos. The thirteen goddesses waited for us, and I anticipated their presence with yearning.

Stick it to a Billionaire!

I just Googled editing services and found that proof- reading alone is available for 2.4 cents per word. 5 cents a word seems to be a good price for proofreading and editing plus comments. For a 70,000-word book, that works out to $3500. And if you want to deduct all of that as a business expense, your writing has to bring in at least $3500. And for all you know, your book is being edited by some guy in India who's telling people in Wyoming how to get their cable TV working while he's editing your book.

Contrast that with bidding on Evil Editor to fully edit your book in the next few weeks. For starters, you can deduct EE as a charitable contribution rather than a business expense, so you don't have to have any writing income. And you get edited by the world's most famous editor, not some ETL heroin addict. And best of all, with this particular 1-day auction ending today, there's no way it's gonna get anywhere near $3500. It hasn't even reached a tenth of that as I type this.

Even if you don't have a completed book, you should be bidding on this just to keep some billionaire for whom $3500 is pocket change from getting a bargain. You know that no matter how high you go he'll outbid you, but for one brief moment you'll be a thorn in his side. It's human nature not to want billionaires to get great deals. This is your chance to stick it to one.

Auction Underway

The Brenda Novak Auction is underway. In fact it's been underway for hours and a few editors currently have bigger bids placed on them than Evil Editor. Remarkable when you consider that other editors offer a mere evaluation of your work while EE actually edits it line by line, and that most editors evaluate 30 to 50 pages, while EE edits your whole book.

Your job is simple. Go there, register, use the search feature to find Evil Editor, and bid on EE's editing items, forcing the people who actually want EE to bid higher.

 What we (we're in this together) want is something like the following:





Editing Job on 1st 10,000 Words of a Novel by EVIL EDITOR
Item: 2922850 $700.00                             







Eval of Partial--1 WEEK TURNAROUND-- by Sr. Editor Kathleen Scheibling of Harlequin American Romance
Item: 2889772 $3.00                             

Evaluation of a Proposal--1 MONTH TURNAROUND--by Michele Bidelspach at Grand Central Publishing
Item: 2921988 $3.00                             


Evaluation of a Partial--2 MONTH TURNAROUND--by Kate Studer of Harlequin
Item: 2881857 $3.00                                
Your Book (up to 100,000 words) Edited by EVIL EDITOR
Item: 2922897 $39,000                             

Evaluation of a Proposal (and Follow-Up Drinks at RWA) with Samhain Editor Lindsey Faber
Item: 2923897 $3.00

Evil Editor Gets Audited

Most of this seems in order, EE. If we could just go over one of your deductions?

Which one is that?

This $160,000 charitable contribution for editing a novel.

That was for the Brenda Novak auction.

Yes, but I understand the item went for less than $3500.

I deducted what the item was worth, not what it brought in. We were in a recession. Who had 160 grand?

I see.

Look at it this way: Say the Louvre donated the Mona Lisa to the auction and it went for five thousand; it doesn't mean the painting's not worth millions.

You're comparing yourself to da Vinci? That's how you came up with your figure?

Actually, I checked the Internet to see what freelance editors were getting. I took the highest one I could find and multiplied by twenty.

Why?

Because I'm Evil Editor. Look at it this way: Say you're hiring someone to ghost-write your autobiography; John Grisham is gonna cost way more than some local hack wannabe writer, even though the hack could write Grisham under the table. You pay for the name.

You're comparing yourself to John Grisham now? I don't see how you can say your work is worth so much, unless everything you edit becomes a number one bestseller.

People don't buy my services to make money. Writing the perfect novel brings peace to their souls. Look at it this way: Say you've sought salvation through God but you still don't feel fulfilled; so you try writing a novel, but it lacks that inspirational spark that can come only from divine editing, so--

God?! You're comparing yourself . . .

Auction Gearing Up

The Brenda Novak Auction for Diabetes Research begins Wednesday. Last year Ms. Novak sent me a plaque commemorating my contributions to the auction. By her accounting, Evil Editor has brought it over $14,000.

The items available from Evil Editor this year are below. The books, of course, are available from the EE store, so you may not want to bid above what you can get them for anytime, but keep in mind that I pay the US shipping charges on auction items, so bidding a bit higher than the actual cost could save money. Plus you get the Evil Editor signature, making the books instant collector's items, worth thousands on Ebay after I die.

The editing jobs always go for big money, but even if you don't have big money, that doesn't mean you can't help by bidding early and often in order to start a bidding frenzy among the millionaires out there. In fact, if you bid $200 or less on one of the editing jobs and actually win, and would rather have the money, I will pay your bid just to get out of editing your book. Ideally we want Uncle Scrooge and Richie Rich to see the bidding climbing rapidly, and get into a bidding war that brings in enough to cure diabetes overnight.

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Your Novel, EDITED by Evil Editor BEFORE THE END OF THE AUCTION!
Item: 2922803


Editing Job on the First 10,000 Words of a Novel by EVIL EDITOR
Item: 2922850


Why You Don't Get Published, Volumes 1 and 2, signed by Evil Editor
Item: 2922851


Novel Deviations, Volumes 1, 2 and 3, signed by Evil Editor
Item: 2922898


Your Book (up to 100,000 words) Edited by EVIL EDITOR
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EVIL EDITOR Teaches School
Item: 2922899


EVIL EDITOR Strips
Item: 2922900

Success Story

Dave F. reports: The story that belongs to New Beginning 906 has just been published in Techno Goth Cthulhu by Red Skies Press under the title "Meditations on a Dead World."
The link at AMAZON