Evil Editor's Blog, page 120

Vampires!

Below are most of the fake plots involving vampires that have appeared here since the last time we did a vampire Guess the Plot quiz. But wait! Four of them turned out to be the actual plots of minions' novels. Which four?


1. It's been 875 years, and Ian MacNeil is ready to retire from an active life of blood-sucking to Hawaii, where an endless supply of young bodies awaits and he can admire his massive collection of velvet Elvis paintings in peace. All he has to do now is survive the roast his fellow vampires want to give him. It's just a few hours of jokes...isn't it?

2. When Bubbe, the senior center queen, became a late night snack for the undead it put an end to her days of the senior special. But not sleeping all night made her the number one buyer on the shopping channels. How much kitsch can one vampire have?

3. Gus fakes his death and attends his funeral in disguise. There he learns that Brigette had a crush on him. To win her he must return from the dead so he fakes being a vampire. But now he finds himself dealing with actual vampire hunters with their cheap crosses and stakes. Plus, Brigette wants him to turn her so they can spend eternity together.

4. Two vampires buy a gift shop at Myrtle Beach. It's the perfect spot to hunt victims, but Vlad loves being surrounded by plastic mermaids and coffee mugs, while Ramon wants to convert the place into a fine dining establishment. Talk about your odd couple.

5. Sent away to live in exile with other surly teens, Niko soon realizes something sinister lurks in the shadows. Vampires? But unlike the ones on TV they all look hideously dead and smell worse. Maybe they're zombies? No, they are Zombires, a new kind of biting monster that really is impossible to kill.

6. High school has been divided into factions since forever. Now Janie, a vampire, and her best friend Lisa, a soft-spoken mummy, plan to change all that.

7. As Josh Booth camps in the north woods, vampires capture him, binding him to a tree. He escapes and warns authorities but Detective Abby Lincoln says he’s crazy. When bodies--drained of blood--are found bound to other trees in the woods, Lincoln thinks Booth is the serial killer.

8. Archeologist Len Bianchi, exploring Rome’s oldest catacombs dating from the third century B.C., opens a crypt releasing Illuvica, the demigod vampire of felines. The Romans sealed her off over two thousand years ago. Now she’s really pissed--especially about that stupid dog thing--and wants revenge on all Italy.

9. Bored with the other vampires in the nest, Lisle goes hunting for fresh companions. Soon she's swarmed by hipsters and wanna-be's. Will she have to bite them all to find the one she wants to keep--forever?

10. Vampires hijack a space shuttle and fly it to the dark side of the moon where they won't have to spend sixteen hours a day in their coffins. But it turns out the dark side isn't always dark when you're on it, and there's no one there whose blood they can drink. Also, there's no air to breathe.

11. After siring four new vampires for Lorenzo, Kaia is entitled to her freedom. At least that's what the Hematophagy Council says. But Lorenzo won't release her unless she comes up with millions of dollars in tribute. If you can't trust a 1000-year-old vampire, who can you trust?*

12. 32 year-old Jennie Rogers lied about her age to land a part on TV's "The Rose", a vampire musical dramedy aimed at teens. When hunky production assistant Gabriel Lopez threatens to expose her ruse to the director, Jennie has to decide whether to sleep with him or kill him.

13. Phoebus the vampire would have an easier time wiping out his former clan if he had an ally who was a wivern. Unfortunately, he turned the only wivern in town into a human. And then fell in love with him. Maybe they should just move to Manitoba together and get married.*

14. Carels is a venomous vampire whose kiss kills instantly. Hessa is a were-cane toad whose skin secretes poison. Can they make each other happy, or will Hessa's Australian accent and mannerisms hopelessly offend Carels' haughty Silesian family?

15. Gabriel, Prince of Vampires, must find a young bride to bear his heir or his line will die, so he chooses 16-year-old Amy and Jesus H Christ I already hate this book.

16. When Gwyn learns that her childhood necklace, "the Phoenix," is the only thing keeping the sun burning in the sky, she realizes it was possibly a mistake to give it to a vampire who wants to extinguish the sun so it'll always be night.*

17. Two vampires undertake an experiment in their night school science class to discover what is thicker than blood. Answer: custard.

18. For 200 years vampire Basil quietly lived in his secluded Colorado castle. When he rescues some college girls from a bear, he is instantly attracted to one of them and screw it, I'm as sick of crappy vampire novels as everyone else. Why can't he just bite a bitch and be done with it?

19. He rules . . . in the night. He's probably a vampire. And vampire books sell really, really well, so . . . he's a vampire. Yeah. That's it. A book about a vampire. Oooooo!

20. Byron Wedderburn, 18th century playboy, is bitten, rendered immortal and forced to drink toxic blood. He sleeps 250 years and awakens in Los Angeles, where he continues his hedonistic lifestyle until he runs into his old girlfriend Lenore, who's still alive because she's actually a goddess.*

21. Oliver's position as supreme sovereign over the Vampire High Council is jeopardized when his rival learns Oliver's darkest secret: his human lover. Now Oliver must fight the legions to save his unborn child.

22. Ava Stanton asks President Lincoln to free all indentured vampires. The vampires don't want to be freed. They like their hours, their pensions and the blood they suck from witless citizens. They drain Ava's vital fluids, but Ava persists, even after death. It's time to call in the werewolves.

23.Vampire Joann runs an auction house auctioning orphaned children to vampires. They feed on the children’s blood. But new government regulations require daycare. It’s expensive. Then Dr. Vlad opens a phlebotomy lab across the street, selling cheap biohazard blood. Bids for children plummet. Can Joann make ends meet by taking a night job at the convenience store?



Answers below





The actual plots are numbers

11, 13, 16, 20.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Title (Halloween edition)

Below are descriptions of 8 books available at Amazon.com. Your job is to guess which title goes with each book. The other five are fakes submitted by the Evil Minions.


1. TV reporter Delilah Street used to cover the small-town bogeyman beat back in Kansas, but now, in high-octane Las Vegas - which is run by a werewolf mob - she finds herself holding back the gates of Hell itself. But at least she has a hot new guy and one big bad wolfhound to help her out...

Casino Lycanos
Delilah trims Vegas
Handsome and Delilah
Dancing with Werewolves
What Spawns in Vegas Stays in Vegas
Larry, I've a Feeling We're Not in Kansas Anymore


2. The Queen of the Undead discovers that even Queens have to pay their bills, and vampire queens are no exception.

Bloodsuckers
Undead and Unemployed
The Taxman is Succumbing
The Repo Man Wears Garlic
"Blood Banks Don't Make Loans"
You’re Dead to Me: Final Notice III – The Gasman Cometh


3. A patchwork anthology of 13 new vampire stories in which writers with serious vamp credentials craft stories around the concept of birthdays for bloodsuckers.

Spatters
Many Bloody Returns
Fangs for the Memories
The Gift That Keeps on Taking
Suck it Up: Birthday Feasts for the Undead
Nutrient-Rich Hemoglobin for the Super-centenarian's Soul


4. The Ultimate Guide to Saving Mankind from Vampires, Zombies, Hellhounds, and Other Mythical Beasts.

The Bible
Stake Saucy
Monster Slaying for Dummies
The Monster Hunter's Handbook
The Book of Cain: Being Marked by God Ain't All That Bad
High School Girls’ Sleepovers from Hell: A Bitch’s Guide to Turning Back the Zombie Tide


5. As two witches prepare to host their annual monster bash, they decide to restrict the guest list.

Witches Only
No Zombies Allowed
The Unkindest Cut of All
Drawing the Line at Michael Jackson
Glinda and Gruntilda’s Spook Soiree
I Don't Care What it Says on That Card, We Didn't Invite No Weredingos


6. Zombies have devoured mankind. And the few survivors would be better off dead because a clan of vampires, bloodthirsty and vicious, have captured the remnants of humanity for livestock. In an apartment building barricaded with wrecked cars, concrete rubble, and snarls of barbed wire, the vampires breed lobotomized amputees.

Crypts Versus Bloods
Only the Dead Survive
The True Story of Walter Reed
The Bush Administration: Term 3
Roses of Blood on Barbwire Vines
One Flew Over the Vampire's Roost


7. To teach their obnoxious cousin Mabel a lesson, two boys convince her the statues in Central Park are people who were turned to stone by a zombie's breath, which smells like cheese.

Mabel's Marble Fable
The Listerine Chronicles
The Limburger Zombie Hoax
Gorgonzola Zombies in the Park
Liederkranz and Camembert are Dead
Gouda Night, Mabel; Don't Let the Muensters Get You


8. Lou Kipinski seems to have it all. But beauty is only skin deep-and sometimes Lou's porcelain complexion can get a bit hairy.

Kibble and Kipinski
I’m Too Sexy For My Pelt
Confessions of a Werewolf Supermodel
I'd Love To, But I Don't Date During a Full Moon
Pardon Me, But You Seem to Have Turned Into a Leopard
I Wish I Could Marry You, But I Can't Afford Your Vet Bills


Correct answers below


Fake titles were provided by Chro, Dave, Paul Penna, McKoala, Robin S., blogless_troll, Khazar-khum, Ylimemmy, Precie and EE.





Actual titles:

Dancing with Werewolves
Undead and Unemployed
Many Bloody Returns
The Monster Hunter's Handbook
Roses of Blood on Barbwire Vines
No Zombies Allowed
Gorgonzola Zombies in the Park
Confessions of a Werewolf Supermodel

Success Story

Dixon Hill reports the following regarding Face-Lift 963:

Thanks for all the great advice, gang! I used it, and did a little more homework concerning the agent I was targeting. I sent the query below on Monday morning, and received a request for the rest of the manuscript.

Dear Mr. ------:

I am seeking representation for "Death in Living Color,” a completed 83,000-word historical mystery set in 1951.

A decorated WWII veteran, badly scarred J.C. Dix just wants to forget the war and straighten out his life. He moves to Scottsdale, Arizona to practice law. But when he finally lands a client, he finds himself on the trail of hardened gangsters who spike women’s drinks then film them in sex acts, using a brand new color process, as part of a scheme to provide color porn movies for L.A. mob backers. After Dix spirits away the films, the gangsters go on a killing spree to recover them. As the bodies stack up, he tries to protect his client, but the county sheriff targets Dix as the prime suspect. Dix thinks he’s placated the sheriff. When he cracks the case, however—ready to name names and turn over the evidence—he finds he’s been hung out to dry. Meanwhile, the killers learn Dix has the films, and they’re coming for him. Before he can clear his name, Dix is forced to employ all his combat skills in a climactic shoot-out against the gangsters.

A life-long history buff, and member of the Scottsdale Historical Society, I carefully researched the 1950’s Phoenix area, but employed poetic license where historic detail inhibited story flow. Patrick Millikin, editor of Phoenix Noir (Akashic, 2009), described my manuscript as, “Chandler-esque—in a good way. A damn good way!”

I am a combat veteran (Special Forces Explosives Expert), hold a BA in Journalism/Mass Communications from the Walter Cronkite School of Journalism, have worked as a reporter, and have sold short fiction to anthologies, and magazines such as Boy’s Life (“Buffalo Smoke”, April 2013) and Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine—Janet Hutchings, editor of EQMM, called my short story "Dancing in Mozambique" (July 2010) “one of the best mysteries of the year…”. I also blog with several other successful writers at: http://www.sleuthsayers.org

A synopsis and the first 50 pages of the manuscript are attached to this email.

Sincerely,






Thanks again – to the Great EE! And, to my fellow minions!

--Dixon

Synopsis 38

Guess the Plot

1. In the not-too-distant future, Young Adult novelists have been hired by the World Government to create a set of templates for all humans' lives. Gavin is stuck with Synopsis 38, which means he is the secret Prince of the Fae. He would much rather be a were-zebra, so he must hack into the central computer and do some editing.
2. It was the most riveting synopsis EE had ever read. He should not have told his recently fired intern to print a copy and archive the email because now it's lost in the sewers of New York. Thank goodness EE still has his wader from twenty summers ago.

3. Stuff happens.


Original Version
 
Avalyn and her father, Nolan, are servants at an inn, but occasionally are called upon to entertain for the lord of their manor. Although it seems a prestigious job, Avalyn detests working at the lord’s manor because his youngest daughter abuses Avalyn every chance she gets.

There are few who would befriend a girl in such low circumstances, but one boy, Dylan, from the local monastery, finds her companionship irresistible. [Does he live at the monastery? Is he an aspiring monk? With permission to date?] Not only is she blossoming into a beautiful woman, but she is also a bit of an enigma. Though she should have the simplest mind in town, [Why is that?] Avalyn is brighter than any girl he has met. Dylan cannot help but fall for her.

A newcomer to town, Teague, immediately notices Avalyn and vies for her attention. He would love to pursue her, but when he is suddenly raised to a position of nobility, his chances with her become slim. [A newcomer walks into town and before he even has time to ask Avalyn out, he's been promoted to nobleman? What's his title?] He now has a clear future with the lord’s daughter. Through it all, he cannot put Avalyn out of his mind.

Avalyn has a secret. She is a child of a Celtic shaman bloodline [descendant of a Celtic shaman], and under the instruction of her father she is training in the ancient art of ritual sacrifice… But not as one might imagine. In turn, Avalyn sacrifices each of her senses for a period of time, only to have them return with a ferocity she could never imagine. [Not necessarily a good thing, especially if there's a hog farm in the village.]

The sacrifices and renewal allow her mind to reach beyond its former confines, but it also releases her capacity for desire. She eventually falls for Dylan.

One evening when she has sacrificed her sense of touch, she causes a fire that takes the lives of both her father and Dylan. She is left doubting all she has ever believed in. [Not clear how the sense of touch would prevent her from starting a fire.]



Years later Avalyn plods through a listless life. Though she has become an entrepreneur [Can you be more specific than "entrepreneur"?] and bought her way out of servitude, she still allows her life decisions to be made by those around her. [Who are those around her, and what are these decisions they are making for her?] She feels that left to her own decisions, tragedy may strike again.

The lord’s daughter was left disfigured by the fire [Did she burn down the lord's home? That plus disfiguring his daughter, and I'm surprised she wasn't burned at the stake.] and placed in a nunnery, so Teague, now a knight, is in a position where he can marry Avalyn instead.

After the wedding, Avalyn moves to Teague’s manor. One night a dream of her lost love, Dylan, awakens her former passions.

Pregnant and alone while Teague is off fighting the King’s battles, she begins to realize her husband’s love for her. While kindling a love she never thought possible, another crisis occurs. There is an attack on their manor, cultivated [Organized? Arranged?] by the begrudging daughter of Avalyn’s former lord. Avalyn escapes to the forest, only to stumble into the Celtic Otherworld. Here she finds Dylan alive and well. She learns that the child she carries in her womb to belongs to him. The child is an essential link between the two worlds. [He impregnated her years after his death? When she dreamed about him? Until I see the DNA test results, the kid is Teague's. And when Teague gets back from the war, I don't recommend telling him any different.]

The journey to the Otherworld has brought her old sacrifices to their full potential. She dallies in a world of bliss with Dylan, but she is soon thrust back into the life she left. [By what?] Upon her return she finds herself at a crossroads. Should she live in a world where her newfound abilities can be useful? Or a world where she can live in Utopia with the man she has always known to be her true heart’s companion [love].

In the end, after using her powers to save a life, she chooses the world of Teague. But the child she bears is a child of the Otherworld. Might there be a chance for more? [More children of the Otherworld?]


Notes

Like all synopses, it's not too exciting (which explains why no agent who asks for a synopsis ever requests the manuscript).

She feels that left to her own decisions, tragedy may strike again. It wasn't my impression that the first tragedy was caused by her decision. It was her father's idea that she should sacrifice her senses, and apparently her lack of sense of touch that caused the fire. What did she decide that caused tragedy? If my father decided I should become Wonder Woman, and as a result I burned him and my true love to death, I would start making my own decisions.

When a guy you haven't seen in years tells you he's the father of your unborn child, shouldn't you be a little skeptical? Does he offer any evidence?

Face-Lift 1162

Guess the Plot

Rise of Ari

1. The dingy tailor shop is open only at night. New employee David soon learns why: their clientele is all monsters. He's been given a daunting task--making pants for a three-legged demon. Can David correctly create--the Rise of Ari?

2. Seven years ago Ari's parents were slain by Sarebans. Seven days ago Ari's sister taught him the Alamfi chants for super-strength and invisibility. Seven seconds ago Ari breached the Sareban stronghold.

3. This is the story of Ari, and his rapid rise from son of a blacksmith to blacksmith, a rise aided in no small part by the death of the blacksmith.

4. From tobacco exporter to self-made billionaire shipping magnate, this is the story of Ari Onassis, and how he bagged the world's most famous widow.

5. A fully populated island of warriors rises from the depths of the Pacific and threatens to attack Hawaii if they are not provided with a fleet of destroyers and nuclear submarines. The American president accedes to their demands, and no lives are lost.

6. Ari was resigned to being a lowly soldier in the Greek army, but when he jokes that they should build a giant horse, hide inside it, and wait for the Trojans to bring them inside their city, his plan is put into action. Miraculously it succeeds, and Ari is hailed as a hero.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Legends tell of voices that whisper through the Great Plains of Carnin; the wandering spirits of souls forever trapped by the stalks of golden wheat grass. [And now Spirits of Carnin mead contains this authentic "soul wheat" in bottles or on tap. That's Spirits of Carnin, for discriminating mead drinkers. Available wherever fine mead is sold.] THE KINGS OF CARNIN: RISE OF ARI is a fantasy novel, complete at 103,900 words.

The great world of Carnin holds five kings and their Kingdoms. [I think "planet" or "continent" or even  "land" would be more precise than "great world."] Of these Orisgothia is known for Blistrar alloy and [Lipbalmia is known for Blistex ointment.] the swords it produces. Ari has been raised a son of the Royal Blacksmith; [In other words, his father's the Royal Blacksmith. Is it possible for the Royal Blacksmith to have a son who is raised a son of a cheese merchant?] the role he is destined to become. [No need to tell us he'll become the Royal Blacksmith when we see it happen later in the same paragraph.] Through skill and passion he produces a sword unlike any other. A sudden and devastating battle for Blistrar leaves his father dead and Ari’s world in shambles. Ari must now show the fierce King Orisgoth he is worthy of his father’s title.

Ari’s sword proves far better than imagined and finds him great favour with the King. Jealousy greets him in the soldiers he must now command. Unusual commands send Ari and his men through the Great Plains of Carnin where strange and frightening dreams rob him of his sleep and sanity. During battle, he amazes his veteran officers and soldiers alike with unworldly skill he cannot explain. Jealous, his lifetime friend Groadie finds a way to gain favour of his own at the risk of his friendship with Ari. A visit from the stranger in his dreams drives a wedge deeper between the friends. [Groadie isn't needed in the query.] [This paragraph feels like a list of things that happen, without much transition from one idea to the next.]

Convinced he is cursed, Ari ventures back into the plains, alone, to hunt and kill this strange man. What he finds instead challenges everything he believes to be true about Carnin and the five Kings. His return to Orisgothia is short lived and, despite continued valour in battle, he abandons King Orisgothia, [The king's name is Orisgoth; the kingdom is Orisgothia.] bringing the wrath of Orisgothia upon the stranger and the good people of Fent. [Fent? Is that one of the other kingdoms? If Ari abandons Orisgoth, I would expect Orisgoth's wrath to be directed at Ari, not at the good people of Fent.] Only his mysterious skill can ensure victory. [Victory over Orisgoth or over the people fighting for the Blistrar?] Devastation comes from the sky [What does that mean?] as Ari disappears and the hopes of Fent with him. The stranger and his people are scattered once again throughout the unrelenting Great Plains.

THE KINGS OF CARNIN: RISE OF ARI is a standalone novel with series potential. Thank you very much for your consideration.”

Thanks in advance!


Notes

Ari is the star. You have him disappearing to who knows where, and then your big finish is the stranger who we know and care nothing about going to the plains.

Is Kings of Carnin the title of the series? That would lead me to believe Ari rises to be king in this book. Instead, he attempts to rise to Royal Blacksmith by proving his valour, and then, on the cusp of realizing his destiny, disappears.

Focus on Ari, start to finish, addressing: What's his goal, what stands in his way, what will happen if he fails, and what's his plan?

Also, if there's something that sets this apart from other fantasies in which the nobody rises to greatness, feature it. Presumably this would involve the unusual commands Ari receives, the unexplainable skills he has, and the mysterious stranger, but all of these remain vague in the query.

Halloween Guess the Plot

The following plots have appeared in the Guess the Plot feature on this blog over the years. Most of them are fake, but two of them turned out to be the actual plots of novels. Which two?


1. In a bid to get lucky, the virgins of Alpha Alpha Alpha adopt a manly-man "monster hunter" theme for Halloween, disguising the House, as well as themselves, in gladiator bondage style, which seems to be very exciting for the two dozen scantily clad whip-snapping Medusa sex-pots who join them. All signs point to a lucky night, until the lads realize those snakes are real.


2. When Trudy and Bud sit down to make Halloween monsters at Uncle Reginald's castle, they have no idea the crayons are charmed--until the monsters start demanding "candy," and breaking furniture. Can Trudy's paper Medusa save the sofa and vanquish these diabolical green vampire-dinosaur-kitten things before Uncle Reggie gets home?


3. The new asylum director believes even psychotics can contribute to the community, and what better way than hosting a Halloween haunted house for the kiddies? The inmates take up the idea with gusto, but the director has second thoughts when chain saws go missing from the maintenance shed.


4. Abby Clary has no idea when she crashes a Halloween masquerade ball that she'll develop magical powers that allow her to magically transport to the year 1273. Now if she could only figure out why anyone would want to transport to the year 1273.


5. Halloween pirate Sidney Inkleby embellishes his nose and chin with putty, adds a few fake tattoos and a gold earring and rents one of the most fabulous costumes ever created by Madame Zelda, the devious sorceress of Springfield, who, unbeknownst to Sidney, casts a spell on him. When he steps out the front door, he won't be able to find the car -- because he'll be lost in 1748 Cuba.


6. On Halloween night, Ashley takes a shortcut through the graveyard and gets simultaneously bitten by both a vampire and a werewolf. Crap. This is going to put a crimp in her plan to snag All-American Josh Burrell as her prom date.


7. Linguistically challenged Amy needs to hire a Ghost Dancer for her Halloween party. But she misspells her craigslist ad and gets something called a "Ghast-Dancer," a creature from another realm who looks exactly like a hawt human guy and seduces every girl in sight -- except Amy, because she's his new keeper. She can't decide whether to enjoy his charms, or pimp him out.


8. Halloween is coming, and the kids on the block make plans to scare the poop out of the crotchety old codger in the forbidding mansion at the end of Atchison Lane. Wait till they see what former Vice President Cheney has cooked up for them.


9. Bloodstone Creek was the brainchild of George Rusnak. George is dead now, but his daughter Lillian works at the haunted Halloween attraction. This is the story of Bloodstone Creek’s cast and staff during its first season. Boo!


10. Lex Hopper's mom refuses to ruin a perfectly good sheet by cutting eyeholes in it so he can be a ghost at Halloween. Later that night, a still-incensed Lex meets the Devil enjoying a hot tub in Mrs. Minchpick's back yard. There's more than one way to make a ghost and Lex's mom is about to discover there's more to life than good sheets.



Answer below



The actual plots were numbers 4 and 9.

New Beginning 1015

The rattle of the tail pipe on my old Indian Scout echoed back from the walls at me. It struck me with a bite of self-consciousness; I didn’t belong here.

Not that this cul-de-sac looked like a millionaires’ enclave. In fact, it was a funny sort of place to live, considering she had so much money—and I was pretty sure she had a lot of money. Judging by her car, her clothes, and that giant rock on her wedding finger.

That rock was on my mind, too. I was up to no good; I knew that. But I’d been anticipating this all afternoon, unable to think about anything else, ever since Mrs. Q had stepped out for lunch—and ‘Big Red,’ as I called her, stepped in. The little head had been doing the thinking for the big one ever since. I was in no mood to stop now. Hell! I was like a torpedo, fired on a collision course—no choice. Not anymore.

From the back seat, Big Red broke into my thoughts with her deep bass voice. “So, what kind of rock is it this time?”

I looked in the rearview mirror at her as a line from the old Kinks’ song “Lola” played in my head. You know, the one that goes “she walked like a woman and talked like a man.”

“What difference does it make whether it's igneous, metamorphic, or sedimentary? All I know is, it was BIG! And I want it!”

Laughter rumbled from deep within Big Red’s throat. “Not easy being a two-headed man in a one-headed world, is it? Especially when the little head is an obsessive-compulsive rock collector.” She wet a finger and dabbed it in an ear of the smaller head that protruded from the right side of my neck.

“Stop that!” we said.

I would have stopped the Scout and kicked Big Red out, but I was going to need some help getting that enormous rock from Mrs. Q., who was obviously a powerful woman if she could lug that much weight around on her finger. Besides, what she’d said about my little head’s compulsion was true. And who would know better, considering all the other times she’d helped get my rocks?

“Probably just cheap sandstone,” Big Red said. “But whatever fires your torpedo, honey.”

I ignored the comment and the muscular, pantyhose-clad leg she draped across the backrest of the front seat, and said as assertively as I could manage, “Just make sure your jackhammer’s ready.”

Another deep-throated giggle from the back seat let me know my last admonishment was unnecessary. Her jackhammer was always ready.
 


Opening: Dixon Hill.....Continuation: James

New Beginning 1014

Lieutenant Richard Gangly (whose last name was an unfortunately apt description of his appearance) lay in the mud beside a trench.

Earlier in the night, openings had been made in the barbed wire and mine fields directly in front of him. Beyond that: No Man’s Land. On the far side of No Man’s Land—perhaps as much as three quarters of a mile from where he lay—the Germans were dug in with layer upon layer of trenches, augmented by their own bands of protective wire and mines. Gangly’s thoughts largely concerned themselves with this large area in front of him, because he knew that he would have to cross through it in just a few minutes.

Wet mud sucked at his elbows and knees as he lay there. The breath plumed from his opened mouth in great billowy clouds, washed pure white by the cold light of the full moon overhead. His breath mingled with the clouds that rose from other men—tens of thousands of men—lying up and down the line. All of them waiting for the whistle to blow, the attack to begin.

Gangly pulled out his smart phone and tapped his banking ap. He quickly put a stop-payment on his echeck to the WWI-France Reenactment Company. He had envisioned wine, women, and croissants, not blood, guts and 90-year-old trench rations. Next year he was going back to Gettysburg, where they took war a little less seriously.


Opening: Dixon Hill.....Continuation: kregger

Fake Plots Wanted

National Book Award "Guess the Plot" Prep

Below are the titles of this year's nominees. Submit fake plots for any or all.

The Flamethrowers

The Lowland

The Good Lord Bird

Bleeding Edge

Tenth of December 



Also, there are two openings in need of continuations (link in sidebar).

Feedback Request

Note to EE:

This query reflects changes made after my initial query was posted (Face-Lift 963) two years ago. Why has it taken two years? Aside from recovery time necessitated by the hernia I got when laughing at your hilarious comments, I’ve also spent the past two years caring for my father, whom I’ve finally convinced to employ three professional care-givers instead. Now I’m free to write again.

So, here you go—you and my fellow minions can have at it!



Dear Mr. Gerecke:

I am seeking representation for "Death in Living Color,” an 83,000-word mystery in which a decorated WWII veteran, who only wants to forget the war and straighten out his life, becomes entangled with gangsters and implicated in murder.

In 1950, badly scarred WWII veteran J.C. Dix moves to Scottsdale, Arizona to practice law—only to discover the dusty desert town needs another lawyer like it needs central heating. When community leader Thelma Fogue walks into Dix’s law office, things seem to be looking up. But Fogue doesn’t seek legal help. She hires him to recover a pornographic film of her younger sister.

The girl didn’t just fall prey to a couple of perverts, however. The film was made by hardened gangsters, as part of a scheme using a brand new color process to provide cheap professional-grade color porn movies for L.A. mob backers—and they’re not about to part with it. But when a farm girl commits suicide, because they used her in a movie, her brother steals the films. The gangsters track him down, torturing him to get the films back, killing him when they realize he no longer has them.

Encountering the carnage only hours after it took place, Dix is overwhelmed by guilt; he’d swiped the films from the boy’s hiding place, the day before. But his guilt is quickly replaced by other concerns. He’s spotted at the farm, and becomes the prime suspect. When another client’s fiancé is killed in a similar manner, Dix’s proximity to the crime has him scrambling to avoid arrest. Meanwhile, the killers discover he’s got their films; Dix has to use his brains and all his combat skills to survive the ensuing gun battle and clear his name.

I am a combat veteran (ex-Special Forces Engineer Sergeant—i.e.: Green Beret Explosives Expert), hold a BA in Journalism/Mass Communications from the Walter Cronkite School of Journalism, and have sold short fiction to Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine (Janet Hutchings, editor of EQMM, called my short story "Dancing in Mozambique" (July, 2010) “one of the best mysteries of the year…”) I also blog with several other successful writers at: http://www.sleuthsayers.org

A synopsis and the first 50 pages of the manuscript are attached to this email.

Sincerely,