Doug Ward's Blog, page 99
February 7, 2014
Ward's Laws #1659
In medieval times why do the starving masses always have food to throw at people about to be beheaded?
February 6, 2014
Ward's Laws #1657
Why didn't R2D2 speak English? My freakin' iPad speaks English for crying out loud!
February 5, 2014
Ward's Laws #1655
I've come up with another alternative to burying our dead. You get one of those food storage machines that seals the food in while it sucks the air out. That way you could keep uncle Phil in the attic and put him out on holidays. They'd look like action figures. Maybe they could make boxes to display them and even add slogans like, Cousin Timmy with Kung Fu Grip, or my favorite, Mom, with angry glare.
February 4, 2014
Ward's Laws #1653
Luckily, my dog is two headed. If he was two butted scooping his poop would take forever.
February 2, 2014
Ward's Laws #1651
I was scooping my dog's poop off of the lawn and I noticed that some of the poop didn't look like his. That's right, I think there was a second pooper. I'm pretty sure he came from the grassy knoll.
February 1, 2014
Ward's Laws #1648
Why did the Vatican stop updating their outfits around the time of the Renaissance? I mean, there's more lace on the pope and cardinals than any grandma could tat in a lifetime.
January 31, 2014
Ward's Laws #1647
I want to be a grocery store bagger for my next job. That way I can see and record the secret bad eating habits of my friends and neighbors. Do you know how much sodium in in that?
January 30, 2014
Ward's Laws #1645
Never buy an old Victorian house if it comes with an old rocking horse in the attic. You know a few months in and that sucker's going to start rocking by itself.
January 29, 2014
Ward's Laws #1642
I actually heard a guy telling his friend how he spent all this time and effort making virtual money on his video game. Seriously? I'll bet mom and dad would love that effort put into something real so he can leave their basement and grow up like a real boy.
January 27, 2014
Ward's Laws #1641
A werewolf bit my brother and I had to take him to the pound. Every time I took him for a walk he'd roll in something nasty. The real problem was trying to apply Frontline between his shoulders every month. He always got kinda bity.
