Doug Ward's Blog, page 78
November 29, 2014
Ward's Words #63
My dad really liked James Bond so he dressed me in a leisure suit and sent me to school. The girls in my class didn’t take notice but the lunch ladies sure had eyes for me.
November 28, 2014
Ward's Words #61
I wonder if Neil Degrasse Tyson was one of the cool kids? He had that triple name thing that all the popular guys from the 80’s had.
November 25, 2014
Ward's Words #59
Last year, I had such a poor corn crop, so this year I'm taking a tip from our Native American friends. When I plant my candy corn I'm going to bury a Swedish fish under it. That was an early form of fertilizer.
November 24, 2014
Ward's Words #57
My t-shirt is made with that moisture wicking material. It's really nice. The fabric takes any perspiration and pulls it away from my body. Unfortunately the sweater I'm wearing on top is totally drenched.
November 21, 2014
Ward's Words #54
Do we have people who clean the nuclear missiles buried deep in their bunkers, or do we have a service. Kinda like Molly Maid. Wouldn’t they get kind of dusty?
November 20, 2014
Invasion of the Gingers 11-20-2014
Generations of man have shunned the gingers. The truth has been laid before me and like a mirror, it’s reflect reveals the terrible truth. We are the real monsters. We judged the gingers clown-like appearances falsely, and succumbed to irrational fear. In shame I walk away… Heart nearly as heavy as my pockets, full of Freckula’s lunch money.
Invasion of the Gingers 11-20-2014
The only way to slay Freckula is to expose him to the cleansing rays of our earth sun. Entering his lair, located in his parents basement, we attempt to lure the sub-human from his shadowy lair. A trail of Pop Tarts lead our quarry out to his doom.
November 19, 2014
Invasion of the Gingers 11-19-2014
It was a mistake. Everyone should stop bashing the pigment challenged at your earliest convenience. The old tablet really referred to a head ginger. If we slay the first Freckula the others will revert to a nice auburn (with soft highlights and a cute pixie cut.)
Invasion of the Gingers 11-19-2014
We, at Ward’s Words (formerly the less funny Ward’s Laws,) have found an ancient tablet. After deciphering it, we believe the only way to stop the living gingers is to double tap them on their bright orange noggins. Where’s my 9 iron cause it’s clobber ‘en time!!!
November 18, 2014
Invasion of the Gingers 11-18-2014 Part 3
The fine people at Ward’s Words (the same people who formerly brought you Ward’s Laws,) are now working on ways to identify the daylight deprived. We now conclusively know that sunblock was designed so the gingers could walk among us during the day.
