Doug Ward's Blog, page 81
October 28, 2014
Ward's Words #17
Why does everyone have the compulsion to tell you the end of the movie they just watched?
October 27, 2014
Ward's Words #15
I'm thinking about calling in some paranormal investigators cause there was this gaseous form in my bathroom the other day.
October 25, 2014
Ward's Words #13
Why do men buy active wear clothes just to lounge around in? Are they trying to fool someone, because I know you weren't about to go to the gym.
October 24, 2014
Ward's Words #9
I found a unique way to recycle used tires. Cut them up use them for fuel for your grill. You can cook out for three weeks on one chunk but your meat will have a distinct petroleum taste. At least you wont be polluting. Darn, black smoke got in my eye again! BLAST IT!!!
October 22, 2014
Ward's Words #7
I bought a Fitbit so I could record my fitness activities, but mostly so I could monitor how well I sleep. I found out I pee 37 times each night, but I do get 73 great, interrupted minutes of sleep each night.
October 21, 2014
Ward's Words #6
I think Pete Townshend needed a math class. One and one make two you burned out musician.
October 20, 2014
Ward's Words #3
A experimental drug called ZMapp is being used with Ebola patients. Why does this sounds exactly like every Zombie apocalypse movie I've ever seen.
October 19, 2014
Ward's Words #2
If Salvador Dali was a medieval knight he would be called Sir Real.
October 12, 2014
Ward's Laws #2000
As men age our butts disappear. No one knows exactly why, but our gluts just seem to erode away. Strangely, I noticed the other day that my farts are now in a totally different octave. The pure, crisp notes I use to expel in my youth have become mature bass sound befitting my age. I find myself wondering if I can manipulate my cheeks in just the right way... Taking both halves in hand I furiously ply varying pressures to my buttocks attempting to play the "William Tell Overture." The pace quickens as the tempo builds. Sweat and a high-fat diet ultimately lead to my demise. I lost my grip on both my cheek and my concentration and the resulting explosion can only be called a shartnado.
October 11, 2014
Ward's Laws #1999
I'm going to be the invisible man for Halloween. My costume consists of telling people to close their eyes and asking them if they can see me.
