Doug Ward's Blog, page 82

Ward's Laws #1997

Who are we kidding.  There are no man-made lakes.  I mean, if we dig out an area we have a hole, the water makes the lake.

Ward's Laws #1995

Who in their right mind would buy their kid a sandbox?  Great idea, let little Timmy play in a giant outdoor litter box.

Ward's Laws #1992

You know those kids with such a poor immune system that they have to live inside a bubble.  How do they get fresh clothes in there?

Ward's Laws #1990

Women should be careful with personalized license plates. TNKRBLL would be just fine if your husband didn't borrow your purple car every once in a while.

Ward's Laws #1988

My new invention is the shoet (pronounced [shoot]).  The wearable device, a cross between a shoe and a gun, was the perfect blend of self-defense and stylish good looks.  I just wish someone had explained the concept of recoil.  Now, I am in a walking cast for the next four weeks, but I really feel bad for the guy who was shining my shoets.

Ward's Laws #1986

Ok, it's a proven fact that older gentleman lose their butts.   The fine people at Ward's Laws are here to help. That's why we designed Butt Buddies. Butt Buddies are space age Neoprene pads shaped like youthful cheeks. Never go anywhere without your butt buddies. Women will take notice the first time you bend over to tie your shoe. Remember butt buddies always have your back.

Ward's Laws #1983

Rube Goldberg was fired from his position as a cell phone designer.  He kept insisting on using a mousetrap and a bowling ball as the power button.

I can feel the 2000th Ward's Laws, code named "Shartnado,...

I can feel the 2000th Ward's Laws, code named "Shartnado," churning deep inside me.

Ward's Laws #1982

I think the terminology used at old folks homes should be changed. Take for instance the term "walker."  Sure, lots of old farts use them to get around, but I'm not taking the fall for bashing that (potential zombie) old lady for saying "walker" so flippantly.  I think it's her fault for not clarifying her use of easily confusable terminology.  And as for little Timmy...  Suck it up, crybaby.  She was gonna pass away sometime, and yes.  I had to double tap her so we could be sure she wouldn't rise again.  I really have to stop watching the Walking Dead...

19 more Ward's Laws until Shartnado. The pressure i...

19 more Ward's Laws until Shartnado.  The pressure is building......