Carrie Contey's Blog, page 8

Key Questions for Couples to Consider before Baby Arrives

Oooh, I was interviewed for this article by the good people at Psych Central, and I love how it turned out.

 

“It’s common to think you’re welcoming a ‘baby.’ However, according to Contey, this perspective makes it seem like ‘there’s some creature called a baby…[which] puts them in another category than a person.’

Instead, she encourages parents-to-be to consider you’re ‘welcoming a whole new person.’ As such, she suggested asking these questions:

Who are you?

What are you here for?

What do you need from us?

How can we help you on that journey?”

Click here to read the full article!

How fun!

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Letting yourself off the “perfect summer” hook

I am finding this summer to be hard and it’s bringing up a lot of up and down feelings. I have it in my head that it’s “supposed to be” this fun time full of picnics and lazy days and time off. 

I want my 8-year-old son to have these wonderful memories and I feel pressure to come up with experiences that make the most of summertime. The reality is that I’m a solo mom who works full-time so my son is mostly in camps and often comes home all crispy so the evenings can be challenging. I have an overwhelming feeling that I’m letting it all slip out of my hands.

These words came from a mama I love supporting in my year-long Evolve program. She asked for advice from our community, and she received some great responses and tons of empathy/commiseration. I know she’s not alone when it comes to this concern (I hear it a lot!) and I want to toss out some additional ideas to help you along this journey.

Let’s move toward embracing the rest of the summer and…

1. Let go of how it’s “supposed to be.” There’s no right way to do summer, or the school year or anything else, for that matter. There’s just the way that works for you and your family. Let yourself completely off the “this is how summer is supposed to be” hook. Give yourself permission to create a summer that work for you and your son. Which may not look like anyone else’s summer but feels good to you two.

2. Stop the gremlins. Our thoughts can be our greatest source of creativity and problem solving and dreaming and scheming AND they can also be very unhelpful at times.

When you notice the “gremlin thoughts” (you know the ones — negative, fearful, critical, guilt-ridden, etc.) popping up and swirling around in ways that just stir you up more, STOP THEM! Literally say the word “STOP” and then count backwards from 17… 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

The counting can distract you long enough that you stop the negative thoughts from continuing. If that thought or another unhelpful thought pops back in, do it again. “STOP you rascally unhelpful thought! — 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.”

3. Appreciate appreciate appreciate. Once you’ve slowed your thoughts down, give your mind something else to focus on. By listing what you are appreciating, right now, you can shift the trajectory of how you are feeling. It’s simple.  Out loud or to yourself, just start rattling off what’s working…

We went swimming last night and the water felt so good. We ate that yummy corn and it was so easy to make and we both enjoyed it so much. Camp is fun and that one counselor is great and fun and funny with my boy. I feel so lucky that I get to know this amazing kid I call my son. I loved our snuggle on the couch this morning before camp and work…

Getting in the habit of noticing what’s fun, what you love, how good things really are, will bring more and more of the goodies. What you appreciate appreciates! And, it keeps your mind busy in positive ways.

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4.  Shift from having expectations to setting intentions. Expectations are beliefs about a future outcome. “I expect us to have a really fun summer.” “I expect us to make memories.” Yikes! They can be loaded because they depend on a certain outcome.

Intentions are different than expectations. They are conscious determinations to act or feel a certain way to obtain a specific result: “I choose to feel joyful no matter what’s happening around me.” “I intend to be present and appreciate this moment.” See the difference?

How do you want to feel? You get to decided each week, each day, each hour, each moment. Set an intention. State it clearly, positively and often. I suspect you will be pleasantly surprised by what you start to notice.

4. Consult with the REAL expert. Ask your son what he wants! What are his intentions for the rest of the summer? You might be anxiously worrying about him not having a great summer and meanwhile, he’s loving life because he gets to go to an awesome camp and when he’s home he can chill out and completely let go and just be. It’s possible that he’s perfectly content with what’s happening. And if he’s not, he’ll tell you and you can decided what to do from there.

All too often, it’s easy to forget that your growing people are very wise and very clear on what they want and need. Make sure you are checking in regularly so that you operate from, “this is where we are and what we are wanting and needing” vs. from a place of  ”I better make it great and anticipate what’s needed and if I don’t I’m failing my child etc. etc. etc.” The latter can set you on a trajectory that takes you out of the moment and starts you spinning in ways that are not helpful to you or the people around you.

 

So those are my thoughts for how you can rock the rest of this summer. To recap:

Slow it all down.
Connect with your sweet self in this moment.
Appreciate the goodness swirling around you.
Set an intention for how you want life to feel.
Connect with the people around you so you know how they are feeling and what they are wanting.
Dream about how to bring more of what you want into these last few weeks before heading back to school.

And most importantly, find ways that work for YOU to make it great because you want to feel good right now. Take it easy and trust yourself. You’ve got this, sweet mama.

Q&A: Working parent readjusting to family life?

My partner is not always so happy to re-enter the family world upon returning from work. How do I help them adjust back in to our home every day?

Re-entering family life after being gone all day can be tricky. Especially now that you have young children at home. I have thoughts for the parent coming home and I have thoughts for the parent who has been home. Here you go…

Dear parent coming home from work:

You’ve had a long day. You’ve been giving it your all, and it’s likely you haven’t been sleeping enough, so I can imagine you are wiped at the end of the day. Ugh. And, unfortunately, when you have a baby and a toddler at home, going home is no longer the time when you get to completely unwind. Or rather, not in the way that you did before. When you leave work, you are going into a situation where the people who have been home are emotionally and physically drained. All of them are drained. Their emotional and physical cups are drained and they need some fresh energy to help them get through the last blast of dinner and bedtime.

My best suggestions are to:

1. Try not to expend all of your energy at work. Take some mini-breaks throughout the day so you are not quite as depleted when you leave work. It’s not like old times where you could go go go and then head home and crash. The people at home need you and they need fresh energy. Be mindful of resourcing yourself in little ways — good food, water, breathing, www.donothingfor2minutes.com, etc. throughout the day. It will make a difference.

2. Take time to shift out of work-mode before re-entering the home. Whether you do it in the car or before you leave the office, create some ritual that allows you to shift gears by taking off your “work” hat and putting on your “family life” hat on.

3. Check in. Send a text to your partner at home, with one or two appreciations and then give an estimated time of arrival (and please trust me when I say it’s best to give a time that is a little later than you think vs. earlier — a parent at home would rather be pleasantly surprised when you show up a bit early rather than annoyed that you are late). Then ask how things are going and what they are going to need from you that evening. It’s the parent at homes responsibility to check in and say clearly (and as kindly as possible) how things are going and what you will be needing that evening.

4. When you get home get LOW and SLOW. The people around you are exhausted and have been in their groove without you. It’s a tough combination. If you can come in, get something to drink and a snack and just go sit on the floor in a quiet, receptive and present state — (that means no phone, no computer, no asking questions — just sitting and relaxing and being open) the rest of the crew will start to settle in and you all can get back into a groove as a family. It will make it easier on everyone involved.

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Dear parent at home with the children:

You’re exhausted. It’s wildly emotionally draining to be with young children all day. If you want to make life great for you and your partner her are things you can do throughout the day:

1. Get support. It’s too much for one person to be on all day with a baby and a toddler. All of you need fresh energy to keep things humming. Hire a mother’s helper or a babysitter to come in the afternoon to hang with the toddler, hold the baby, take both of them outside so you can catch your breath and make dinner. By doing this, you will not be as desperate for your partner to come home (and subsequently that partner will enjoy coming home more and sooner).

2. Make sure you are doing little micro-fill ups during the day — eat good food, drink water, check in with friends, take deep breathes, close your eyes for 1-5 minutes at some point during the day. Don’t go all day with the expectation that when your partner gets home you can catch your breath. It won’t work.

3. Upon arrival, give it a few beats. I am well aware that you want to hand the kids off as soon as your partner gets home. That makes complete sense. I caution you to slow down and recognize that if you can come together as a family first (see #4 above) you will buy yourself a smoother evening and more alone time. Everyone needs to come back into “resonance” after being apart for the day. Get down on the floor as a family, just be together for a few minutes making eye contact, hugging, playing, reading books (even if it’s just for five minutes) and then peal off. I guarantee you it will make it easier for everyone.

4. Be loving. Be appreciative. This goes for both of you but I’m saying it here. Everyone is tired. Everyone is overdone. Try to list a few appreciations so that everyone feels seen and cared for.

5. Be conscious of what part of your brain you are in when you are making requests for help. Our partners are hearing our tone more than our words. Get human and then ask for what you want. I guarantee your partner will want to give it to you.

Please share your thoughts below, I always love hearing from you!

Best wishes amazing ones!!

-Carrie

A letter to all the people parenting right now

What a privilege it is to have an article on the Huffington Post.

The other day I sat down to write something that would be meaningful and supportive to the people I care about the most in the world… Parents.

It’s short, sweet and too the point.

Have a peek…

Yay!

Carrie

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Yay for this amazing family who is part of

my year long program, Evolve. I adore you!

Q&A: Is it okay to say…?

I haven’t asked many questions during our EVOLVE year and really have been focused on taking it all in and working with what I can and letting some thoughts simmer a bit to figure out how to incorporate into my life. I am so thankful for you and this program. I have come a long way in better understanding myself, my family and our happiness.

My question is: Is it ok to say, “I’m done. I’m taking my life back and I’m going to do what makes me happy, not crazy.” ?

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What I’m hearing in your note is not that you are giving up or being lazy, rather, you are tapping into the possibility of a different job/life. One that is simpler and more joyful and easier and more in alignment with what you really want/believe/feel.

That makes total sense given all the work you are doing this year. That’s evolution!

I would follow the feelings. Start moving in new directions. Have faith. Trust that you are ready for some changes. Get clear on what you really love, what you really want, how you want life to FEEL and then just start walking. It’s not going to happen overnight, but it will happen. I see it everyday.

 

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You get to be happy. You get to have a job that you love. You get to feel good and relaxed at the end of the day — if you choose.

I would strongly support you to get some help in the midst of this transition — a coach, a therapist, a group. People that can support you to be courageous and to follow your bliss.

Life is way to short not to go for maximum joy!

Hey look, that’s me!

Back in February I received a very welcome email from Paula Disbrowe, a writer, mama of two and general superstar of a woman, I’ve known for years who recently took over as editor-in-chief of Austin’s Tribeza magazine. She wrote:

Would you be interested in featuring your gorgeous new home in Tribeza?  Along with a write-up of the spectacular you, of course?

My answer?

Hi and YES!  I would love that so much. 

I was kinda secretly hoping you would ask me this;) 

Can’t wait.

Just let me know what needs to happen next.

Hooray and thank you, beautiful.  

I was flattered and excited for several reasons. One, I am in LOVE with my beautiful new home. Two, I enjoy talking about my work and how my home is adding new dimensions to what I’m creating. Three, I wanted to see what a professional photographer would  do with this place. And four, I adore this woman and the folks she enlisted to help her with this story.

The article is featured in this month’s issue of Tribeza, the outdoors issue. And I’m over-the-moon delighted with how it turned out.

To read the full article, click here or click the image below.

 

Here’s to all sorts of goodness finding it’s way into our lives!

Carrie

 

A dream come true.

Two years ago, on April 15 2012, after a one-day workshop in Kyle, Texas with 80 of my Evolve 2012 participants, I wrote the following to a friend:

I loved everything about this workshop. The place, the people, the work we did…I’m ready to have a place of my own. I want to own a retreat center in the Texas hill country (20-40 miles from Austin) that can comfortably hold 100+ people for day-long workshops/retreats. I have my own private living area. It’s on a massively beautiful piece of land, near water, so folks can sprawl out, take walks, feel spacious and just be. It’s beyond relaxing. Gorgeous modern design, tons of windows, AND a beautiful enclosed and air conditioned event space that I can use when it’s just too damn hot. 

It’s a magical space and amazing things happen out there. 

I CAN FEEL THIS RIGHT NOW!!!!!

A retreat center where parents can go to rest, relax, recharge, have fun, connect and gather some seriously useful info and tools. 

Yes upon yes upon yes upon yes!

It’s ON!

I wrote this not knowing (but totally knowing) that just two years later I would own and live in a Texas Hill Country retreat center I dreamed of back in 2012.

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Last Saturday I hosted my first event out here — The Mother’s Day: Exhale.

13 mamas and I gathered here at my home and spent the day relaxing, reflecting, creating and connecting. It was a blissful day and there were several times when I said to myself and the group, “This is a dream come true!”

What I was reminded so clearly that day is that…


I love making space for parents to step out of regular life and reconnect with who they are, right now.
I love witnessing people connect and  share deeply.
I love seeing those moments when anxiety is instantly neutralized with a simple, “Oh, yes, I hear you. I feel that way too.”
I love giving parents the tools to feel more confident in their connections and guidance of their growing people.



Most of all I love feeling that by allowing this dream to come I’m giving others the space and time and support to discover their dreams and set them in motion.

There will be more retreats soon. I’m even thinking of offering one for Dads in June. Let me know if you or your partner would be interested. This is only the beginning…

How do you want to feel?

A few weeks ago, I sent an email and asked you, “How are you feeling right now?” I received SO many honest answers to that question. People were feeling joy, anger, sadness, stress, love, excitement, uncertainty, and more.

I loved reading each and every response and honoring the feelings you were experiencing at that moment.

And now I want to shift a bit. Believe me, acknowledging your current emotions is incredibly important, and it helps facilitate this next piece.

I’d like you to take a few seconds and think about, “How do you WANT to feel?” If you have a sense of where you would like to be, it’s much more likely that you will find your way there. It may or may not be a straight line. It may feel like a winding walk on foot, with lots of twist and turns, fits and starts. It may feel like a quick direct flight. OR, it may be that you are already there, and you just needed the time, space and reminders you to stop and notice.

Whatever it is, (and please hear me when I say, any and all ways are just right), having a destination in mind, a sense of how you want to feel, will serve you well throughout the process (and my goodness, is it ever a process)!  Plus, it will increase your chances of getting where you want to go.

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So, I’m tossing out this simple challenge to:

* Scroll to the bottom of this post.

* Answer to the question below. (Don’t think too hard. Just start typing and see what comes through).

* Remember, there’s no right answer.

* Be easy and playful with it.

How do you WANT to feel?

As always, I send you so much love and love and love.

-Carrie

This weekend only!

Maybe it’s that SXSW is in Austin this weekend. Maybe it’s because I can feel the seasons changing. Maybe it’s because I am in a darn good mood. But I just have to extend this offer one last time.

For this weekend only, I am doing something I’ve never done before: I’m re-opening Evolve registration.

Why? Because A LOT of people have messaged me asking if they could still get in or invite their friends into the juicy goodness that is swirling through the Evolve community.

The Facebook community is ON FIRE: I never could’ve imagined the crazy sharing and support that occurs there every single day. It is mind-blowing.

People are growing and learning and experimenting and sharing their challenges and getting supported and engaging this work in such an inspiring way. I am so honored and grateful to be with such courageous, honest, wise, supportive moms and dads.

So, since we’re definitely rolling but not quite fully out of the station yet, for the next two days only, Evolve registration is available. Click here to learn more and jump in.

If you were on the fence before and wish you had pulled the trigger, now is the time!

If this is calling you, jump in.  Don’t delay receiving the guidance, wisdom and support that Evolve offers.

With love and joy,

Carrie

 

P.S.  When you join us, you’ll receive a step-by-step guide to getting acclimated to Evolve so you feel part of the community from day one. You will be well taken care of!

P.P.S. During February’s Evolve, LIVE! – the live broadcast from my home – I shared a brand new concept called C.P.R.  (Connected Parent Reset). You’ll learn how this brilliant “getting back to balance” process creates instant ease throughout your day, especially when you are feeling overwhelmed or triggered.  Once you join, you’ll get access to this replay so be sure to check it out.

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Check out what an Evolve mama said about her first month in Evolve 2014:

“Since starting Evolve I noticed how high I’ve been on my own beautiful, ordinary, love-filled, amazingly abundant life. Making the conscious decision to jump on the Evolve train this year and do the daily templates and try out the exercises and participate in the community have blown the doors of my heart wide open. 

I am a naturally cheerful person, but struggle with finding the happy & fun with my parenting; this past month I have felt more connected to my partner and my kids than I have in a long, long, LONG time.  

I also feel more clear about what I want, personally and professionally. I think it’s easy to know that gratitudes work intellectually… but it’s also easy to forget, to put yourself last, to ignore your own cup, to slide into old habits. Evolve reminds me to exercise those muscles I’ve let atrophy. It is my gift to myself and oh boy am I glad I gave it!”

-Shannon B.

Choose Love.

Happy Day O’Love!

It’s been a whirlwind of a year so far, but one thing that consistently keeps me centered are the success stories and all the LOVE that exists in family life.

Sometimes when the days are long, the lists are endless, and the worries are constant – it can be a challenge to reconnect with what you believe about the relationships and people around you. One tool that I often refer to is creating a Love Mantra. This is a statement that you can celebrate, rely on, and use to guide you in all moments. So, if you’re up for it, as a Valentine’s gift to yourself, let’s try it out!

What’s your family’s Love Mantra or Mission (of love) Statement?

What are the words that you hope would ring in your child(ren)’s head(s) as they grow into adulthood?

What are the thoughts/feelings/sentiments you want them to wire into their brains and beings so that they:

1) Seek out those thoughts/feelings/sentiments in their own partnerships

2) Pass on that legacy of love to their children down the road.

You can…

Keep it simple:

We choose love.

Or go bigger:

We choose love. We show it by listening, caring, respecting, empathizing and just plain loving ourselves and loving each other. We give it through hugs, kisses, eye contact, words of appreciations, gifts, play, time, sharing experiences together and more. We receive it joyfully, whole-heartedly and appreciatively. We are a family built on love.

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Those are just two examples. I encourage you to tune into your heart and see what bubbles up when you read this prompt.

With regards to LOVE, our family…

Take a few minutes to think and and feel what you want your love mantra to be. Leave a comment with your thoughts below, share it with your partner, make it work for the family. Have fun, experiment, and play with all that possibility of LOVE.

Happy Day O’Love! (today, and every day)

Carrie