Carrie Contey's Blog, page 3

How To Be An Expert Surfer

The waves of life are inevitable.

There are days where the waters are calm, you get out the door easily, friends and family are kind and joyful, you are nourished and inspired, and it is enjoyable to float along. And, as well all know, there are days that bring you to your knees, that challenge your inner strength, that drain you to your core.

I grew up learning to always look for calmer waters – to steer away from the waves and unknowns. The funny thing is, it didn’t matter where I went, or how I built my life – the waves always come. And so does the calm.

I’ve had the immense privilege of meeting expert life surfers who’ve imparted their wisdom on how to make this entire journey of ups and downs, way more manageable and enjoyable. Here are three top tips on how to be an expert surfer.

1. Remember the big picture.

Answer this question, “How do I want to meet the moments?” Think about the foundation of how you want to meet each moment in your life. Is it with openness? Acceptance? Curiosity? Care? Love? Once you know the base of how you want to meet the moments, practice holding that front and center when the waves rise.

 

2. Put together a plan.

Much like an emergency drill, it’s helpful to know what you need before something goes awry. Take time to think about your plan. When the water is getting choppy, what do you need to feel safe and secure? When the waves are rising, what do you need to feel steady and clear? When the waves are crashing, what do you need to stay afloat – or better yet, to surf? Take the time when things are placid to think about what would serve you. Then write the ideas down, share them with your partner, kids, friends, and family.

 

3. Stay connected to your emotional self.

Small Strategies – Practice the 90 second rule. When feelings are evoked and you are having an emotional response, stop what you are doing, set a timer for 90 seconds (or just count to 90) and hang out with the feeling. Just be there, without putting a story to it, and see what happens. Allow your awareness to watch the feeling come and go.

Medium Strategies – Check in with your sweet self. Set a timer to go off every hour and when you hear the alarm check in with how you are feeling. No judgment, just pure acknowledgment of what is, in that moment. See how it feels to connect with your emotional self regularly throughout the day. What do you notice?

Large Strategies- Take yourself on an emotional date. Carve some time to take yourself somewhere private and quiet and just invite your emotional self out. Be with yourself unconditionally. You may want to take a journal to help you get the ball rolling. Just ask yourself, what am I feeling? And start writing. See what comes through. Once you’ve done some writing. Sit. Be still. Just allow the feelings to be there.

column_break

.

The waves of life are inevitable. And, they are only daunting until you learn how to surf. Then it gets really fun. Anything and everything can be weathered with grace if you choose to meet the moment with presence, compassion and love. For yourself, first and foremost. Then for what is. Because it is. And then for the others around you.

Today, be intentional about how you want to feel in the midst of real life.

You don’t get to control all of the situations, especially when other people are involved, but you do get to practice your surf moves.

Cowabunga!

Carrie

Step Away from the Roller Coaster

Are you rushing from task to task? Is your mind filled with to-do lists? Does it feel like you’re never really “done?” 

My dear friend and colleague, Bernadette Noll, is a mother of FOUR brilliant humans, and she found herself, probably a lot like you, caught up in the roller coaster of it all. Until she had a 1 hour gift of time, and realized it was time to step off the ride.

Take a listen, and enjoy!

column_break

Want to check out more from Bernadette? You can catch her Huffington Post articles here, and her newest book is available here!

Know Your Tendencies and Try Something New – YOU

Several years ago, I gave a talk at the Texas Women’s Conference. At this talk, a woman asked me a common question, “My two little children hate dinner time – what can I do?”

The answer I gave her, which came from my heart, actually shocked and delighted the audience. I told her,

“Shake it up. They are little people who are growing. They aren’t interested in sitting still – but they do want to connect with you. So have dinner outside, have it as a picnic on the floor in the living room, have dinner in the bath tub!”

The audience cracked up and then applauded. And it’s not because my dinner-tub time was the most profound suggestion. It’s because suddenly the 200 person audience felt a breath of possibility and space around the way they exist inside of parenting.

When we experiment with our thoughts, our feelings, and our behaviors – suddenly patterns can shift and there is way more possibility and space in ourselves and our relationships. This is why experimenting with what works is critically important for you!

So today, let’s focus on YOU. Your predominant thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and how you can experiment with them. Below I wrote out common examples parents bring to me, along with possible experiments to run.

– Thoughts –

If you’re constantly thinking,

“I’m not enough.”

“I’m the only one who does anything around here.”

“I can’t handle all of this!”

(And on and on…)

What if you started experimenting with holding the thoughts,

“I’m rocking this!”

“Life is challenging and we’re all doing our best.”

“I’m helping humans wire their brains, I’ve accomplished so much.”

What does that evoke? Do you find yourself wanting to hold on to the original thoughts? Can you let go and see how you could think about the situation in different ways? And most importantly, how do the new thoughts make you feel?

 

– Feelings –

Most of the time we operate under the belief that our feelings come from our experiences. While it is true that situations stir feelings inside us, we also have ways of evoking the feelings we want to feel in any experience.

Right now – think of a person who you really love. Picture them in your mind. Play out a scenario and notice how that makes you feel. You do have control over how you feel. And the more you actively evoke feelings like appreciation, delight, joy, the more you with experience those regularly.

 

column_break

 

 

So, as you approach a situation that you already feel resistant to – see if you can experiment with feeling a different way before you even enter that experience.

For example, if you dread bedtime, what feeling can you evoke internally before you even mention it? Or step foot into the room? Can you play with holding a feeling of gratitude for your people? Or a feeling of curiosity about how things are going to go tonight? Or a feeling of true calm and peace as you walk into their room?

– Behaviors –

Last week we talked about knowing your tendencies and trying something new. The same applies to this idea of you first.     

For example, if the time after school feels challenging, and you normally try to feed everyone a snack, but feed yourself last (or not at all), experiment with getting some food in your system before you focus on them.

Similarly, if you feel grumpy and irritated when your growing people wake you up, experiment with getting up earlier and see how that influences the morning.

–

We are creatures of habit when it comes to thoughts, feelings and behaviors. If you want to have a different experience — personally and with the people you love — you have an opportunity to shake it up!

Let me know what experiment you’re going to run with YOU today. Even if it flops it’s all good intel on what works and what doesn’t.

Cheers,

Carrie

 

P.S. Want to learn the 3 questions to boost your self care? See them here!

Know Your Tendencies and Try Something New – Family

I’ve worked with thousands of families, researched development for years, and believe me – there’s no one right way to do healthy humanhood.

This is why experimenting in family life is crucial. You are evolving, they are evolving. Choose to EXPERIMENT! Be curious about what works for you and your family.

One way to start identifying opportunities for experiments, as in, “Let’s try something new…!” Is to know your tendency and try the opposite. Below I listed four possible scenarios that families grapple with all the time. Use these examples to get your wheels turning around your tendencies, and how you can experiment.

When the situation arises:

You feel rushed to get out the door in morning…

And your tendency is to:

Speed up, get annoyed and bark orders…

Experiment with this:

Slow down. Take a few breaths. Observe before making your request. Notice what your people are doing. Connect with them in their world before you say what you need. Make eye contact as you let them know what’s going to happen next. Finally, give yourself a moment to appreciate and delight in the fact that they are part of your world!

When the situation arises:

Your people argue and pick on each other…

And your tendency is to:

Yell over them and try to shut it down…

Experiment with this:

Pause. Give them space to see if they will work it out on their own. If you enter the dynamic, name how you’re feeling in a way that disrupts it, and still communicates what’s happening for you (i.e. “YIKES! I’m feeling frazzled by all of this arguing!”)

When the situation arises:

Your people complain, whine, or act in ways that are challenging for you during dinner…

And your tendency is to:

Take it personally, feeling disrespected, resentful, and dreading dinner time…

Experiment with this:

Shake it up! Have a “fancy dinner” one night, and encourage everyone to pretend to be their most proper selves (you can even talk with accents). Or have dinner in the bath tub, on the living room floor, or on a picnic blanket outside. Remind yourself what dinner is for beyond just getting some food into everyone – to connect and be together. Experiment with ways dinner can serve that goal.

When the situation arises:

Your partnership gets ignored because it feels like the kid(s) have precedence…

And your tendency is to:

Point the finger at your partner for not making any effort…

Experiment with this:

Take responsibility and give the love you’re looking for! Send a sexy text message during the day. Look your partner in the eye and thank them for doing something routine. (i.e. “Thank you for taking out the trash.” “Thank you for picking up the kids.” “Thank you for being on this crazy adventure with me.” ). Surprise them with a date night and organize a sitter/etc.

 

So, I’m curious. What are your tendencies in family life?

And what can you experiment with?

Much love,

Carrie

column_break

 

When I can approach life with the attitude of “experimentation,” I find more freedom in the chaos and unknowns.

I feel less like I need to know the answer, and more open to finding my way.

And when parents embrace this spirit, they model a way of being in the world that allows their children to move through life with a spirit of experimenting. That’s a huge gift!

 

 

 

***

I just wanted to share with you that you are validating so many of my feelings as a parent, especially today. Saying there is no “right way,” really helps and I am going to remind myself of this throughout the day. I get hijacked very easily about whether I am doing things “right,” and it is so important for me to feel confident that I am doing the best I can for our family even if it is different from others. Also, the “should,” do things this way gets to me too. Especially, when I am tired and feeling vulnerable. I’m realizing through a lot of trial and error that it really is all about what works for the parent and their family as hard as that is to do sometimes. I get lost in the details and the logistics of how things “should” be and how my day “should,” go. I’m working on just being and not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. Thanks again! ~ Lindsay

***

Getting Clear on Your Growing Person’s Brain

Let’s be honest. Most adults enter the parenting arena with little to no training, other than once being a little person who was once led by some bigger people.

And suddenly, parents are expected to navigate ups and downs that come with the phenomenal growth of humanhood – all while evolving themselves.

Today, I want to get us all on the same page. Below is a rundown on the developing brain – and it’s a crucial first step in connecting with your people and yourself. In fact, these concepts are the cornerstone of every keynote speech, program, workshop, and coaching call I lead – it’s that important to know!

(Psst! Already understand the human brain? Wonderful! Take a breath, and read the following with fresh eyes and an open heart. I am sure you’ll discover something new.)

Here we go!

There are three main parts of the human brain. We are born with all the parts and all the neurons that will eventually allow the whole system to work together. However, the process of brain development — wiring the brain so that we can control our impulses, manage our emotions, think rationally, empathize, etc. — Takes years and years.

It’s a lot of work to wire a healthy brain!

Because of all of the wiring and re-wiring that needs to take place, especially in the early years of life, growing people (ourselves included) can sometimes become dysregulated. And when we feel dysregulated we operate from brain states that are less than human. This is the real cause of unsavory behavior. Your growing people (and you at times) can get overdone and as a result slip into a mammalian or reptilian brain state.

Knowing this is so important! So what can you do? Read & Respond!

A simplified way to read your child’s behavior:

Your child is in a Human Brain state if they are…

speaking rationally, listening, cooperating, creating, thinking, playing, reasoning, or loving.

Your child is in a Mammal Brain state if they are…

whining, clinging, not listening, resisting, cuddly, ordering you around, speeding up, nervous laughing, crying, or playing baby.

Your child is in a Reptile Brain state if they are…

fighting: kicking, biting, screaming, hitting, spitting, melting down

flight: running away, avoiding eye contact, shutting down

column_break

 

Here’s what you can do:

Human Brain? Teach! Guide and Give the Yeses

Inform, Play the lessons, Guide, Appreciate

Mammal Brain? Observe! Reflect and Regulate

Connect, Reflect, Zip it, Play

Reptile Brain? Slow down! Stop and Soothe

Calm, Connect, Comfort

Once upon a time ago, I made two videos to explain the human brain featuring myself and my lovely drum set. This was 5 years ago – amazing to see how many people embrace this understanding of humanhood now!

Plus, access this cheat sheet to keep all these pieces front and center. Even print it out and post all over your house, office, car, wherever! Then play with this information, and email me any ah-ha moments that pop up over the next few days as you see your people’s brain states.

Enjoy,

Carrie

 

P.S. I want to share these inspiring words from a mama who took this information and ran with it…

Understanding the brain development as the first step was crucial. Getting out of my brain and connected with my daughter’s helped me find compassion and understanding – for the biology of it instead of getting upset at the actions. The language and the tools were next. Being able to speak about the feelings and name them was so helpful… for all of us. But one of the most helpful tools that I still use with her (almost 9) and with my youngest (almost 4) is humor and play. Being silly during difficult meltdowns lightens things up, brings the connection back, and it enables us to communicate again – while still feeling the feelings. – Deborah E. (six year member of Evolve)

 

What’s in store for your holiday season?

A few years ago I noticed a pattern. Around the holidays I’d get mopey, feel irritated that I “had” to do something, yet I over committed myself consistently. Then I’d get super excited to see people, lose myself in the planning of it, be exhausted, and never really feel the connection I craved, which was the whole point in the first place. Then I’d get mopey again.

The second I realized this pattern, I decided to get very intentional about my holiday season. I took time to decide how I wanted to feel. I got clear on a few simple things I would need to do for me, everyday, to stay grounded and connected to myself and the people around me. And, most of all, I decided to focus on all the things I was feeling grateful for — the spirit of the season, my family, my friends, my life!

I recently took my Evolve community through an in depth 90 minute workshop in which we dove into intentionally prepping for the holiday season. And the outcome was so tremendous that I wanted to share a few of the questions with you here. (By the way, if you’d like to check out what Evolve is all about, I highly encourage you to sign up for a taste of it here.)

Take a moment to marinate on the questions below. And if you’re up for it, you can write your answers to any (or all) of the questions in the comments below. That accountability can be a powerful tool!

1. Imagine it’s January 1, 2016, and the holidays are over. How do you want to feel about your fall and winter?

This is one of my all time favorite tricks – fast forwarding, to reflect back. Because January 1, 2016 is coming towards us in one way or another – take a moment to think about how you want to feel on that day. There’s no right or wrong, there is just allowing yourself to brainstorm, to be curious, and to acknowledge what you’re wanting.

2. How do you want the holidays you celebrate to feel? (3 words)

Often times, I see parents get caught up in the story of life. “I want to feel joyful – but honestly my in-laws are coming into town and that stresses me out, so I’ll just settle for feeling…I don’t know…maybe bits of joy in between the stress?”

No! Let’s curb that story right now.

Think about 3 words of how you want the holidays you celebrate to feel. Keep it short and honest to how you want them to feel.

column_break

 

3. What do you need, to make the season feel as you’d like it to feel?

Now we can dive in a bit. Knowing how you want the whole season to flow — and how you want the holidays in particular to feel — can you creatively think about what you may need to accomplish that? Do you need to clarify your boundaries? Do you need to tell some one (or several people) what you’re craving? Do you need to book time to yourself, or with someone in particular?

The more we can outline what we need, the more we can move towards actually getting those exact pieces, and life starts to flow much more smoothly.

4. What is your intention for this season?

Lastly, knowing all of these pieces above, what’s your intention for the upcoming months? You may have a day to day intention, and/or an overarching intention. Examples include:

“I choose to wake up feeling refreshed and positive.”

“I choose to feel joyful with my family this holiday season.”

“I choose to get where I’m going in a relaxed and easy way.”

“I choose to feel at peace with my friends.”

“I choose to feel grounded and grateful.”

“I choose to feel spacious and calm.”

And if you’re looking for more guidance on intentions click here and learn how energy follows intention.

To your most intentional, connected season,

Carrie

Take all of you, with you

Go for light.

Go for ease.

Go for joy.

Go for love.

Choose to focus on the stuff that’s working. Take all of you with you today. Appreciate like your life depends on it. Use your thoughts to steer this moment in the direction of feeling pleasant and delighted.

Appreciate the goodness of the “good mess” that is your life!

—That’s what I posted on my Evolve 2015 Facebook group page.

One mama wrote back:

I’m appreciating this phrase “take all of you with you today” it blows my socks off and makes me realize that I rarely take me with me. What a paradigm shift.

 

You see,

I too often forget to take all of me with me.

And when I do, things get wonky. I’m more easily triggered. I’m more easily thrown off balance. I’m more likely to be discombobulated, crispy and generally off.

Yet, when I do remember to take all of me with me, life flows. I feel more joyful. It’s effortless to appreciate the massive goodness of my life. And, without a doubt, I’m way less triggered by stuff happening around me.

So what does it mean to “Take all of me with me?”

It means slowing down.

It means tuning in to my sweet self.

It means listening to my heart instead of my head.

It means saying “yes” when I feel in my gut it’s a yes and “no” when I feel in my gut it’s a no.

column_break

It means feeling all the feelings and loving all the parts and being in all the experiences. Without judgment.

It means doing less and being more.

It means asking myself over and over and over again, “How am I feeling? What do I need?”

And then actually being still enough to hear the answer.

And then actually doing what I know I need to do.

Most of all, for me, it means tuning into and trusting that intangible yet, oh so wise part of myself, my BEINGNESS.

We are more than this brain and body. We are ever-evolving, constantly deepening, consciousness that is here to experience life fully!

Today, give space to your beingness.

Allow the wisdom of who you are, essentially, to be heard.

Tend your heart. Give yourself space and ease and joy and a whole lot of love.

Tune into your heart and soul and see what kind of magic and connections and depths and creativity and sweetness emerges.

Today, all ways, take you with you.

With so much love,

Carrie

Q&A: Pre-school Transition?

Our daughter will be starting a new pre-school that is her pre-k 3 class. It’s going to be a big adjustment for her because she’s been at the same daycare since she was 6 months old and has several friends there that she talks about all the time at home and really enjoys playing with. Do you have any tips or recommendations for making it easier?

 

It sounds like the school shift is a positive change. And, it’s a change. I love all the things are you already doing. Good stuff. Here’s what I would add:

Before you talk much more about the transition, check in with yourself. See if you are feeling fear about the transition? If yes, just allow it to be there. After a bit, ask yourself what you are afraid of. Are you worried she won’t like it? That she’ll feel big feelings about it? etc. It’s possible she will feel big feelings but that’s alright. That’s part of growth and change.

Taking the time to explore your own emotions around this change is important. Why? Because, she’s going to vibe off of you. If you are calm, honest and matter-a-fact about the transition she will assume this is just something that is happening for your family. Part of life. If you are anxious, tentative and worried about how she will handle it, she will sense that and perhaps feel like it’s a bigger deal then it is. I guess what I’m saying is it’s worth you getting clean and clear about your feeling on the situation so that she is free to have her own experiences/reactions to the change. And in the midst of that, she feels your steady presence.

And with that said, I highly recommend holding this mantra (just shared it with another mama who is in the midst of change with her kids too).

MEET THE MOMENT

column_break

 

You can’t possibly predict how your daughter will react to the change. If you can be open to meeting the moment, accepting that there may be feeling at times and that’s just part of the process, she will feel your presence. She will feel your steady support. She will feel loved and cared for through this transition. Just be with your daughter. If she’s talking about her old school and old friends, crying because she is missing what she knew, etc. just be there. Let her feel what she feels. It doesn’t mean you made a bad decision or something is wrong. It just means that she’s grieving what she knew and transitioning in to a new experience. Totally normal and healthy.

Let her feel what she’s feeling and be present and loving and empathetic in the midst of it all. There is emotional weather that comes with change. That’s a healthy part of the process. Having a safe and steady caregiver to lean into in the midst of change is as good as it gets.

You got this!

Carrie

Q&A: How do I stay present even when I am exhausted?

Staying balanced and present when you are exhausted is not an easy feat. And, it’s extra challenging when you have growing people needing your energy to keep their own systems balanced in the midst of all the massive growing that’s almost constantly taking place.

It may not be easy but it is possible to regain composure even when you are overdone.

Here are 10 simple ways to deal with your exhaustion so you can come back to the moment.

1. Acknowledge that you are overdone – Say it out loud, “I’m TIRED!” Let yourself express the fact that you are beyond the beyond and in need of rest. What we resist persists. And acknowledging that you are a goner is one of the fastest ways to bring yourself back to the present moment.

2. Get low and slow - Whether it’s for 10 seconds or 10 minutes, lay down on the couch or the floor or the grass. Letting yourself relax horizontally for a few moments can give you a sense of peace and safety that may perk you back up.

3. Move your body - Whether it’s a walk or jumping up and down or having a dance party, get moving. Bringing energy into your system, even when you don’t feel like it, will give you a boost.

4. Breathe -

Try this stimulating breath technique.

This is adapted from a yoga breathing technique. It can raise your alertness and increase energy.

Start with your mouth closed but relaxed. Inhale and exhale rapidly through your nose. Your breaths in and out should be equal in duration, but as short as possible. This is a noisy breathing exercise. (So have fun!)
Try for three in-and-out breath cycles per second. Then breathe normally after each cycle.
Do not do this for more than 15 seconds on your first try. Each time you practice, you can increase your time by five seconds or so, until you reach a full minute.

column_break

 

5.  Go outside – Get out into fresh air and look up at the sky.  Engage your senses. Take in the sights, smells, and spaciousness.

6. Get wet - Take a shower or bath. If there’s no time for that, splash your face with cold water or slowly wash your hands.

7. Stretch – Move your body in ways you haven’t today. Reach up into the sky, down to floor. Lift your knees up and down (can you touch your shoulders?). Twist and shake and let your body get spacious.

8. Give yourself a scalp massage - I love this one! Take a few seconds and rub your head to stimulate your scalp. Feel free to grab chunks of hair close to the scalp and gently tug and notice what you feel.

9. Get a hug – Whether it’s from partner or your child or a friend or just yourself. A hug can be just the thing you need when you are really feeling overdone. And it’s okay to be honest and ask for one. “I’m overdone! I need a hug! Who can help me out?”

10. Get to bed early – Your evening time alone is precious and really hard to give up. Going to bed early, even just just one night a week can make a huge difference. Schedule it, and shoot for at least one night a week catching some extra zzzs.

You can do this! I know it!

 

An audio gift for you and your family

Hi there! As you know, one of my main missions in this work is to bring connection and joy into family life. To really juice it up, ya know? Because the more connected you are, the more life flows, and the more life flows, the more joy there is to experience. And then the more connected you feel. And on and on!

So to that end, I am leading an experiment.

I created a brand new recording that’s not just for parents…but for whole FAMILIES.

And the idea goes like this:

– When your family is gathered together (a road trip, dinner, stuck inside when it’s raining, etc.) go ahead and play this audio.

– In the recording I ask 12 questions that everyone can answer. After each question, PAUSE the audio and let each person answer. Then proceed to the next question.

– There’s no time limit, no right or wrong, no expectations. Let this serve your family and bring more connection and joy to family life.

– Feel free to use it whenever you’d like! The questions are designed to work over and over again, so you’ll never get bored and the answers will always change.

And if you have a non verbal person in the group, that’s ok too! Just hold the space and ask the question, inviting curiosity around them and their beingness.

I’ve never made a recording like this, so I’m interested to see what comes of it. Please let me know how it goes!

As always, to YOU and YOURS,

Carrie

column_break

Feel free to download the audio here.

Intrigued? I’m including the questions so you can get a sense of what’s what.

How do you feel, right now?

What’s your favorite sound today?

Who’s your best friend and why?

What do you know how to do that you can teach to others?

If you could have one superpower, what would it be?

What’s the coolest thing you saw today?

What are the three best things about being you?

What do you imagine life will be like 20 years in the future?

What is something that makes your family special?

What do you want to hear today from your family?

Share one thing you’re appreciating about yourself, and then one thing you’re appreciating about each person with you. (Ex: I am appreciating that I love to dance! And I appreciate that my mom is a good driver. And I appreciate that my poppa is so sweet.)

How do you want to feel at the end of the day?