Carrie Contey's Blog, page 2

> Mind Blown

I know a lot of times when you’re told, “Take better care of yourself! Self Care! Self Care!” it can feel challenging or downright annoying. That’s why I spent this last month breaking down the baby steps to keep yourself front and center. Do little things, each day. You will get where you’re trying to go if you give your sweet self even a sliver of attention.

Now I just had to share a few success stories from my community to prove this point. And each of these mamas said that re-reading the stories made them smile because of how far they’d come in their own self care and personhood. (YES!)

The first two stories are ways mamas are navigating big experiences – medical and a move. The third story is an example of how practicing self care and empathy truly does trickle down to your kids. Enjoy!

*****

Today I was sitting in a outpatient surgical room waiting for the doctor to come to perform a minor surgery. Feeling a bit nervous, I took a deep breath and took a look around. Suddenly, I found myself appreciating the skilled doctor about to perform this surgery, the kind nurses that helped to prepare me, the calm music playing, the clean room, health insurance, and being able to take care of my health. The list goes on. A huge smile came to my face and then calmness. What a gift to have learned this skill. My heart is bursting with appreciation. Thank you Carrie Contey and Evolve community.  – C.R., an Evolve mama

*****

We moved a month and a half ago to a larger home, which we have been wanting for a long time, particularly when our third child came home. The homes in our old neighborhood had recently shot up in price, and a larger home in the same neighborhood was not in our budget. We moved from a very small house in a close-knit neighborhood to a larger house in a more aloof neighborhood.

It’s been a rocky transition for me, as I stay/work at home, and I’ve been feeling pretty lonely for my old street and all the hustle and bustle, and feeling sad for my kids, who haven’t found their new pack yet. So I’ve just been letting myself ride it out, letting myself feel sad, appreciating what I appreciate, crying when I need to cry.

Tonight, we stopped by the old neighborhood. At first, I really thought I wouldn’t be able to bear it, because I missed it so much. After spending a lovely few hours there, I began to long for the quiet and solitude of our new neighborhood. I was ready for some down-time and some privacy, of which there wasn’t much in our last neighborhood.

I also noticed our very, very, VERY social five year old was getting a little nutty. It’s almost like she couldn’t find a quiet space in herself and was just going more and more and more outward. When we got back home to our new house (20 minutes away), we all put our hands in the dirt, spreading compost over our new gardens, raking, tending to the land.  We had a quiet, organizing evening.

All this to say, even though there are moments when I feel like we’ve made this huge mistake, tonight was a time of the universe whispering to me, “It’s going to be okay. Relax. There’s a reason you’re here and you’ll learn, if you watch.” It felt really good. -C.A., an Evolve mama

*****

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My two year old had the biggest meltdown she’s ever had tonight. 

My six year old (who has the daily meltdowns) brought her back online when I couldn’t.

It was nothing short of a miracle and one of the most difficult and most touching moments in my mommy-hood career.

The youngest was tired, crispy and had been having meltdown after meltdown. I was able to stay calm and centered, realizing she’s just where she’s at. And at some point, she got so mad. When nothing else worked I opted to allow her some time alone to emotionally dump.

The six year old asked if he could maybe try to calm her down. I said, “Sure – but be careful. She’s hitting and kicking right now. Don’t get hurt.”

He goes to her and says, “Sh, shh, shh. It’s ok. You’re going to be ok. I’m here now. I’ll take care of you. Can I rub your back? Do you want me to rub your back? You don’t need to be upset. It’s ok. What do you need? Do you want something….” And on and on he went. For over 5 min. He finally said, “Mommy, you can come in now.”

Later he went on to talk about how hard it is for kids to calm themselves in the middle of a meltdown. “That’s the worst part,” he says. “You’re sad and you don’t want to be sad anymore. It’s ok, you don’t need to be sad anymore”.

It was profoundly beautiful.

This would never have happened without Evolve. Thank you. This work is a game changer – for life!!! -A.S., an Evolve mama

 

Are you ready for the rest of 2016?

As your growing people head back to school, it’s the perfect time to take stock in where you are as a person, where you want to go and how you want to flow in these next 20 week of 2016.

Here are some questions to ponder about your Personhood:

What’s working so far this year?

I’m quite sure you’ve made huge strides and done amazing things. Take a minute to jot a few down and celebrate your amazing self! And feel free to share them with me, I’d love to hear.

What would make the rest of 2016 feel exactly how you want it to feel?

Do you want it to feel joyful? Easy? Peaceful? Thrilling? Love-filled? Smooooooth? There’s no right way, just your way, you get to choose!  Getting clear on how you want to feel, and affirming it daily (or hourly if needed;) will create more of that feeling. I guarantee it!

What can you do to get ready for what’s coming?

What would help you feel prepared for the next few months? Perhaps you want to spend some time thinking about upcoming events and obligations. Or maybe you want to assess what projects are happening at work. And, even though they are months away, what conversations do you want to have with family members about the holidays?

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What can you do to stay present to what is?

Sure we’re heading into a busy season AND between now and the end of 2016  there are millions of moments in the midst that you want to savor. What are one or two things that you feel like you are needing so you can stay calm, connected and present to yourself (first!) and to the others in your life? Would you like to start a meditation practice or be getting a little bit more exercise each week? Do you want to start an appreciation practice where you list 5 things you are appreciating about your life everyday? No matter what you choose, giving yourself just a bit of attention and care throughout the say is an invaluable investment for everyone. You first! You first!

You’ve got this,

Carrie

Harness the Power of Low and Slow

We’re talking about Personhood and self care this month and I know that in the midst of life, focusing on these elements is not always easy. Today I want to introduce one of my favorite practices, that may not even feel like self care, but it truly is.

When life feels swirly and unsteady and chaotic and unmoored, get LOW + SLOW. The only way to slow down the feeling of “out of control” or “this is too much” or “I just can’t can’t can’t” is to:

Stop – Stop your body. Stop your thoughts. Stop your stories.

Get Low – Lay down on the ground or on the couch or on the bed. If you can’t, just bring your awareness to your feet. Physically, emotionally, spiritually…Get down, baby.

Breathe – Take one. Then another. Then another.

Breathe again.

Then, yes, a little more breathing.

Put your hand on your heart and say, “I’m safe. I feel unsafe and I am safe.”

Look around and notice what you see – “Blue sky. White clouds. Green grass. Picture. Kitchen. Chair. Pillow.”

Start appreciating what you can appreciate – “The sun came up again. Sure they make me feel like I’m losing my mind, however, my people, these people I wished for in my life, are healthy and growing and won’t always be in this phase. I have ways to connect with the world. I have people to reach out to. I get to struggle with the things that feel hard and I can see that it’s growing me/us/all.”

Take some more deep breaths.

When things feel overwhelming all you can do is slow or stop the swirl. And only you can slow or stop your swirl.

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If you are feeling out of sorts, do these things several times throughout the day.

If you are feeling steady, go big with your appreciations. It’s like money in your emotional bank account.

The more you have in, the more you have to draw upon when things do feel a little less easeful.

We’re all just finding our way.

Go gently, beautiful being,

Carrie

You still get to have a life.

You love your growing people with all of your heart + soul. You’re giving so much of your time and energy to them because you deeply want them to have a fabulous life. You tend to their physical and emotional needs day in and day out. And that takes a lot of energy. Especially the emotional tending.

In the midst of caring for your family, it’s easy to rarely focus on yourself and yet, it’s critical. For you and for them.

This month I want to turn the attention toward you. Your personhood.

Yes, I’m here to say…

You still get to have a life.

And, not only do you get to have a life, it’s essential to you and to your people that you take time, even if it’s just a moment or two each day, to focus on you.

You’re really a part of this.

Your well-being matters.

Life as UNIQUELY YOU being YOU didn’t end when you welcomed these people into your world.

You’re still learning and growing and evolving.

You’re still inspired by things that are beyond the needs and interests of your kids or your partner.

You’re still a unique being with dreams and desires and questions.

Being a parent who values your sweet Self, continues to seek new experiences and grow as a person is the very best modeling you can do for your people. They benefit from you knowing you and evolving as a person.

Now for the fifty zillion dollar question: How can you tend your personhood in the midst of everything else that has to happen in family life?

Perhaps you know the answer to this question and perhaps you don’t. If you don’t, you can start super micro small by setting an intention just to listen to yourself — your needs, your emotions, your desires, your questions, etc. Even if it’s just one minute per day, give yourself that time to hear what you have to say.

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Need a little prompt to get the conversation between you and you going? Here are some questions to ask yourself.

Who am I?
What do I need?
What makes me tick?
What brings me joy?
What helps me?
How can I care for myself?
How can I enjoy myself for the very long haul?
How can I love myself today?

This is beyond self care – this is about being aligned with the BIG beingness of who you are, tuning into your needs and desires and listening, really listening to yourself.

Imagine a world where parents were supported to care deeply for themselves in the midst of caring for their growing people. I can.

Let’s be the change.

With love,

Carrie

All the feels!

Today, I’m letting the parents rock the mic.

This entire month I’ve been writing about Parenting, and it’s time to step away and let some masterful parents share their stories:

* A mom who lost it on her little One and came back to love.

* A sweet story of the wonders of childhood.

* A reminder that sometimes teens just want you nearby.

Check out the words from these inspirational people in my community, and enjoy all the feels!

“I snapped. I got really, really mad and rage yelled at my 3 year old son while my baby daughter watched. He started sobbing, she shut down. I was horrified and so, so ashamed. And it was over nothing. Blocks. Blocks and my authority. I was mad at my husband for so many tiny, meaningless things, and at myself for even more, and I lost my sh*t at my sweet, creative, thoughtful 3 year old son over blocks while his wonderful, effervescent 9 month old sister watched.

God, it was awful. And I remembered that I’m in charge of me and I don’t have to be how I was being. So I took deep breaths and talked about how my body was feeling, then I told my son I was going to my room, closing the door, and putting my daughter down for a nap.

Ten minutes later, he came in, whispered that all the Blocks were tidied away, and asked if he could join us.

I’m resetting the love. We’re resetting the love. I forgive myself, and I promise not to yell. ♡

-AF, Mama in Evolve

 

We are traveling to my cousin’s wedding. We flew into Las Vegas last night. It was extremely late and we ran into one or two frustrating situations that made things take even longer. Our little guy slept through it all but the amazing 5 year old brought complete joy to every moment. When we were riding in the bus to the car rental place, he was exclaiming about the beautiful orange wall we were driving past. While we walked through the garage to the car, he loved all the fancy cars (same as any other cars but through his magical eyes, they were extra special). And then, when we drove into the middle of Vegas, oh man – it was pure joy. He’d gotten scratched (slightly) during the night’s escapades and cried. He decided that the lights looked brighter because he’d cried and his tears made things brighter. So much to learn from the mind and heart of a child.

EH, Mama in Evolve

 

My teen asked me to help her study for finals. After sitting here for a bit, I came to realize “help me” was teen code for, just sit next to me and be around. Honored to be her mom, and just be.

– MC, Mama in Evolve

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Mmm, mm, mmmm. These make me pat my chest and feel a whole lot of love and appreciation for the ways y’all are caring for your growing people and your sweet selves.

Here’s to you, the wild and wonderful journey of family life and resetting the love.

All ways,

Carrie

 

P.S. If you have a parenting story, feel free to send it in! I love cheering you on!

 

Parenting: The Top Tool (to try today)!

I have a secret for you! Your kids, really and truly, want you to speak their language. And you know what?

Their language is play!

Your growing people speak the language of play so fluently sometimes it’s exhausting! And if the thought of “having to play” makes you cringe, don’t worry. I know you do not have an endless supply of play energy, which is why I’m encouraging you to use play strategically.

Play is hands down, your most useful, most essential tool in your parenting toolkit. In the Old Paradigm of parenting, parents were expected to remain distant from children’s play, and rely on shame and blame to make children behave. Now, in the new paradigm of parenting – play is your ally!  Play helps you create a connected and fun family life.

I should clarify that you do not have to be your child’s playmate 24/7. You are the guide and regulator of the family, so use play when it truly serves everyone involved. For a lot of my clients, that usually means being playful around the have-tos —

getting dressed in the morning, getting chores done, getting to school in the morning, getting homework done, getting to bed, etc.

— if you can bring in an ounce of play, especially to the challenging situations,  I guarantee your children will feel your connection and love and they will be more motivated to do what needs to get done. And it helps you get through the tasks feeling confident and connected – which in turn fills your cup and gives you more energy to parent throughout the day!

Below is a common situation that I hear about often from parents. On the left I describe the Old Paradigm way of approaching it. On the right I give you a New Paradigm way of approaching it that shows you how you can use play to keep things moving!

Using Play: New vs. Old Paradigm

Here’s a common scenario: Your child returns home from a big active day at camp. She had a blast and is tired and overdone. You get through dinner and as you are moving her toward bath and bedtime she starts whining and speaking in unsavory ways to you.

 

Perception of Behavior –

Old Paradigm


Perception of Behavior –

New Paradigm





Child is being disrespectful.
She isn’t listening or cooperating.
She is actively ignoring parent’s authority.
She is spoiled – how can she be grumpy after such a good day at camp?!




This growing person is dysregulated (tired and overdone) after a stimulating day.
Child is exhausted from all the fun she had at camp and needs space in her routine.
She has used up all of her human brain energy and has slipped into a more mammalian brain state.





Parent Reaction –

Old Paradigm


Parent Response –

New Paradigm





Mom shuts down the negative emotions.
Mom nags, shames, and blames.
Mom tries to coerce or bribe.
Mom threatens to take away privileges.




Mom takes a breath and evaluates daughter’s brain state.
Mom reminds herself that her daughter has been going all day, and needs an extra boost.
Mom also remembers that even exciting fun days can leave people in a crispy, cranky state.
Mom does something playful – she fills the bath, adds extra bubbles and tosses in a few unexpected toys. With a silly accent she looks her daughter in the eyes and says “Your baaath is ready madame. And, there are some surprises in there for you to find.”
As she’s going to bed, Mom refers back to the big fun day and empathizes that summer is awesome and tiring – and that her daughter is doing a lot – then zips it.





Result


Result

Disconnection

Resentment

Confusion

Disappointment

Self Doubt

Anger

Connection

Safety

Understanding

Appreciation

Love

Joy

 

 

Awesome! So now that you see the importance of play, let’s get the ideas flowing. Click here to see 60 ways to PLAY – then use them to your advantage when things get sticky!

 

Cheers,

Carrie

P.S. Does play feel like a stumbling block? Do you have questions about when or how to use it? I’m here for you – so write your question below and I’ll help you out!

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Can you take a giant step back?

In our discussion of Parenting, the first pillar of family life, here’s a pondering for you:

You didn’t have a baby.

You aren’t parenting a toddler or a preteen or a teenager.

You are in a deeply close and powerful relationship with a unique person.

Stay with me here!

A person arrives. They emerge into the world in a primal developmental state. That little being is a person, just like you or me, and they are in the phase of development that we call babyhood.

That person grows and their brain, body, and skills transition into the phase of development we call toddlerhood, then pre-schoolhood, childhood, tweenhood, teenhood, young adulthood and on into adulthood. (WOW!!)

This long and amazing process has its own triumphs and challenges for the person growing. It also evokes different emotions and feelings in the people caring for that person (that means YOU).

The thing is – all the while, THAT PERSON, that wondrous being, is there. That person wants to be known and seen and appreciated, deeply. And they want this at every stage of development. This means the 6 month old, the 16 year old, the 65 year old – we all want to be valued and seen.

Since this is the case, it’s a profound gift to the people in your world to feel your love, acceptance, delight and appreciation of their essential beingness throughout all the phases of life.

Today, as you move through the to-dos, the twists and turns, be curious. Experiment with taking a huge step back. Be open. Be allowing of change and experimenting and choosing love.

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Sometime today, look your growing people in the eye and ask them one or more of these questions:

Who are you?
What do you love?
What makes you tick?
What brings you joy?
How can I help you?
How can we be a family who cares for each other and enjoys each other for the very long haul?

Even if you think they are too young to answer, still ask these questions. Be open to connecting with all the ways they communicate. And keep asking as they grow.

To your big perspective of parenting,

Carrie

P.S. Take the prompts to another level and in a moment of quiet, ask yourself the same questions. You don’t need to answer them right away, just open the door to the answers coming to you. This connects more with Personhood – which I’ll talk about in August – so I want you thinking about this now!

 

The First Pillar of Family Life: Parenting

In my work with families, I break down “family life” into four main pillars: Parenting, Personhood, Partnership, and Prosperity. Over the next few weeks, we are going to explore the first pillar – Parenting.

These pillars are core parts of family life – and regardless of how present they may feel in your family, they are there. Even a single parent who has no job still communicates and models beliefs and practices around partnership and prosperity.

But more on that in a few weeks. Now, I want to talk about the first pillar: Parenting.

The minute your child entered your world – you became a parent. You took on this role that has been changing and evolving for centuries. You entered into a practice, an experience, shared by millions of others – and yet it is still so truly unique to YOU and your growing person.

When I think about parenting, I believe that regularly gaining clarity around where you are and where you would like to go as a parent is critical. When I see parents in my programs take time to do this, they are able to create healthy, sustainable relationships with their growing people AND engage in profound personal growth.

In fact, one of my year long Evolve members said, “When I am consciously parenting – the whole experience builds our parent-child relationship and myself self development.” YES!

So…what is conscious parenting?

I would say that conscious parenting is a way of being rather than any sort of method or style of parenting.

It’s about being awake and alive to the experience of connecting with yourself and your growing people in the midst of the parenting journey.

It’s about seeing it as a journey in the first place with

ebbs and flows,

ups and downs,

twists and turns,

and more bodily fluids than you could have ever imagined.

Conscious parenting is about…

Knowing yourself deeply,

Tuning into your feelings,

Doing what feels right to you,

Finding ways to move toward ease,

Choosing connection,

Living with joy and gratitude,

Letting your love spill out all over the place,

Adopting an attitude of self-reflection,

Having loads and loads of compassion and empathy for yourself, your partner and your growing humans.

And, recognizing that there is no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child

(and really, who would want that anyway?)

and yet,

when you really stop and think about it,

it’s all just perfect in its own way.

Enjoy mulling this all over,

Carrie

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5 Questions for a Smoother Summer

Holy, moly the interwebs are exploding lately – and everyone’s abuzz with this question: What are the secrets to creating a fun and fabulous summer for me and my family?

I see it all the time – parents lament that they want to enjoy the summer months with their children but it’s just so challenging at times. Which makes sense. There’s more time together, less structure, and lots of “I’m bored” said in cringe-worthy tones. Answer these 5 questions and kick your summer into high gear!

1. How do you want to feel this summer?  

Decide how you want to feel, and identify what it’s going to take to move you in that direction and then make it happen. Whether it’s down time each week (or day!) for each parent to fill up and get re-charged, a date week (or day!) for each parent to fill up and get re-charged, a date with your mate, one-on-one time with each child or quality family time, schedule it! It’s easy to think, “But it’s summer, we want to leave it loose and open ended.” I understand. And in my experience, I see that people have a much easier summer when they do take the time to think about how they want to feel, then work towards THAT as the goal. (*For an added bonus, once you identify how you want to feel and what will get you there, schedule it on the calendar!)

2. What rhythm do you want to create for the days?

Think about the typical summer day. What feels easy breezy? What feels sticky and hard? Decide what needs to happen to bring more flow to it all. For example, if you know that the hours between 4-6p are challenging for you, think about making that craft time or pool time or a little tv time. Be thoughtful about how you can make it work for everyone, then create a rhythm around it. Invite your people in and let it flow!

3. How can you bring in MORE WATER?

I say it as often as possible – water is the elixir. The great neutralizer. Whether it’s time at the ocean, a neighborhood pool, setting up the sprinkler, a couple of kiddy pools on the lawn, or just tossing the kids in the tub at 3 in the afternoon, remember that water is the thing that can bring calm to an overheated family. Think about how you can make water work for you, then really crank it up!

4. What’s your plan for the dreaded, “I’m bored,” complaint?

If you have a plan in place, awesome. If you’re wondering what to do, here’s an experiment to run. When your little one says, “I’m bored” look them in the eye, nod, give a big hug and then say, “Ooh, excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.” Go off to the bathroom, stay in there for a few minutes and then just see what happens. In my experience “I’m bored” is often a precursor to some wild creativity. Instead of engaging right away with suggestions and trying to get them to find something to do, run this experiment and see what happens. You might be pleasantly surprised.

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5. What are you renaming your family travel this summer?

You know by now that calling a family trip a “vacation” is actually a misnomer. “Vacation” connotes leisure, free time, doing what you want when you want to do it. When you have growing people with you it’s likely that you will have moments of this but probably not the whole time. So instead of saying, “We’re going on vacation,” what can you call it that more accurately describes what you’re about to experience? “We’re going on a juggle family time outdoors adventure!” “We’re having an all hands on deck family reunion!” Embrace what it truly is, and let that be the impetus to discuss what you need. Talk with your partner/family about who is on kid duty and who is off kid duty when. Work together to get time to yourselves and time as a family. Be creative! Give each other breaks and be proactive and thoughtful about the days when you are away. Figure out what it’s going to take for your unique event to feel the way you answered #1!

Feel free to leave a comment with your answers below. Or let these questions swirl in your mind as the summer unfolds!

As always, I send you so much love and love and love,

Carrie

 

To all the Dads!

We are at a pivotal time.

In just 2 generations, the role of “Father” has changed drastically.

We’ve seen dads go from the stoic, head of the family, main bread-winner, primary disciplinarian to being empathetic, connecting, and playful leaders in their family. We’ve seen dads break the molds that didn’t serve them, redefine what works in their style of parenting, and create new paths for their children to see masculinity.

So dads…

Maybe you’re parenting differently than you were parented.

Maybe you’re parenting differently than your father was parented.

And partners of dads…

Maybe you’re seeing your partner do fatherhood differently than you experienced or even expected.

On this Father’s Day, I have two questions for you.

1. How are you making fatherhood your very own?

2. What do you appreciate about what you are creating?

And partners of fathers – you’re not off the hook! I want you to answer these questions.

1. How is your partner totally rocking fatherhood?

2. How can you let them know what you appreciate about their twist on fatherhood?

I’m in awe of all you’re creating. As you choose love, appreciation, empathy, and connection, you benefit. Your family benefits. Our entire world benefits.

Thank you dads, for making fatherhood your very own.

Much love,

Carrie

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Let’s hear it for the Dads!