Carrie Contey's Blog, page 4

Q&A: New Activities & Time Management

Question from a Mama: I want to expose my kids to lots of new things like lessons, sports, other extra curricular. I don’t feel like there’s enough time! How do people fit it in without sacrificing time to connect or the child’s sleep?

My thoughts:

Oh dear Mama, I hear you loud and clear. You want to help your growing people to have all sorts of experiences and you feel like there’s not enough time. I understand your dilemma and I have some thoughts.

First, slow it all waaaaaayyyyyy down. Just take a big deep breath, and another, and one more. Time is relative. If you believe there’s not enough time, you will continue to feel like there’s not enough time. If you believe there’s plenty of time, you’ll start to feel like there’s plenty of time. Trust me, everything starts with our perspective on it so, first, start by changing the story you’ve been telling yourself.

Second, approach this as a fun adventure. Remember that you GET TO expose them to cool stuff. Let go of the idea that somehow you’re going to “miss a critical window” or “fail them in some way.” That fear is not serving anyone or anything. Shift your perspective and see this as “on going opportunities to learn new things, deepen your connections and help your growing people find their bliss.”

Make a list of the things you want to show them, things that you find exciting and then find ways to explore those activities. For example, if you value art, plan a day or afternoon or hour at a local museum. If your growing people (or you, for that matter) feel inspired to create some art, get some new art supplies and sit down and do art together. If it’s a sport you want to expose them to, go watch a college or professional game one evening and then go to the park and play that game for a while to see if something gets sparked. Use this as a way to connect, have fun and enjoy your time with your growing people. The more fun you have exposing them to new things the more they are going to enjoy those things.

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Third, trust that your growing people are on their very own journeys and that they will find the things they are here to explore. Yes, you get to expose them to things, however, you don’t have to be worried that you are going to miss the boat. Be curious about your growing people. Watch, listen, observe and notice what sparks their joy. Ask them what they love. Be open to trying things with them. Be open to creating experiences that seem fun and fulfilling for all of you. Go for the joy. You can’t go wrong if you go for the joy!

Finally, model being interested in learning new things. Take the focus off of them and decide that you are going to explore new activities, ideas, hobbies, sports, etc. Make your own list and show them that this is something you value.

There’s nothing you can say that speaks louder than how you are being. If you hope that they will find their passions and follow their bliss, you can up the chances greatly if you are modeling it for them.

Be inspired and inspiring. It’s more than enough.

Love,

Carrie

Sneak Peek into Parenting Essentials

I’m joyfully stepping aside and letting Parenting Essentials speak for itself. Here’s a sneak peek into what awaits you (information, tools, reflection, videos, community, and more)!

Parenting Essentials offers you…

A beautifully spacious and informative membership website which features content, tools, and community connection.

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Intentionally crafted videos every Monday and Friday to help you implement the tools in family life (for much more ease and connectedness). Here’s an example of my video for the Parenting the Brain week!

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I just love this next piece! It’s an interactive reflection form that allows you to type your answers to heart felt questions right on the spot!

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And of course, goodies, goodies, goodies. I’ve synthesized all my learning, research, and wisdom from the past 20 years into these 12 Parenting Essentials, and I love how I can lay it out in the program!

Got a question? Leave it in the comments below!

Otherwise you can access all this goodness in Parenting Essentials today.

I’d love to have you join us,

Carrie

Your Best Summer Yet

4 Transformative Parenting Essentials for Finding Fun and Flow as a Family This Summer!

In this recorded webinar, you’ll discover…

* The ONE life-changing secret that you absolutely MUST use to parent your growing people during the summer(bonus: you can use it all year!)

* The three ways you can AMP UP the joy and keep life moving (and create way more love in the process) * How to make this the “Summer of Belly Laughs and Snuggles” (seriously . . . regardless of their age – even 17 year olds dig this!)

* Your SECRET weapon against parent fatigue, triggers, and disconnection amidst the heat! (HINT: You may have never been taught to do this – and that’s why it’s getting tragically ignored.)

* How to create an ultra-connected summer that reenergizes you for a beautiful family life that’s truly your very own.

 

Click here to learn how you can get intentional parenting support all summer long.

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The roof blew off, and extraordinary love blew in

Before you read any further, please know that all is well.

I am fine. I am safe. I am loved.

On Saturday, May 23 large storms came through Texas and the roof of my home was torn off. I live in an interesting space (that I adore) and I was home with my best friend, Bernadette, when it happened. It was intense, and scary, and I am still grieving.

I’ve spent the past days meeting with all the necessary people who are trained to handle this situation. And I’ve been fielding calls, texts, and emails from friends and family around the world. It’s been a crazy emotional ride with a solid foundation in love.

Which makes me laugh.

Because on my calendar I had written that I wanted to send you an email about the third part of my essential beliefs:

* Take care of yourself.

* Trust your people.

* Choose love.

Today I had planned to sit down and write an email to my people about why choosing love in family life is essential, when I know – we all know – that choosing love in all aspects of life is transformative.

Amidst all of this chaos of the rain and the wind and the roof and the recovery, I am grounded by my work. And it is so clear to me now that my work is to remind you of all the ways you can choose love inside family life and beyond.

Today, I’m using this opportunity as a reminder for myself as well. As the outpouring of love has been stronger than the storm, I am writing this to serve both of us, in this community together.

When we cultivate curiosity,

when we hold intention,

when we delight in our people,

when we appreciate life in all its forms,

we open up to the richness of love. We choose love.

Sending you love today and every day,

Carrie

 

P.S. The concepts of curiosity, appreciation, intention, and delight that I listed above are all detailed in my newest online parenting program, which opens this week. Stay tuned for more info, and in the meantime, join me for my live webinar on June 2, which is happening – roof or not. ;)

 

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Why is it so hard to trust children?

Check out this informative video in which I address the following (fantastic) questions!

>> I don’t trust my kids. They are kids! Have you seen what they do sometimes? Why would I trust them?

>> When my son was 4 years old, he never slept and I worried. Now he’s 14 and he could sleep for weeks on end, and I still worry. I know this is crazy making, so how do I step back and see who they are while not putting weight (or worry) that the things they’re doing right now are not indicative of who they’ll be later?

>> When I think about it, I actually don’t show my children that I trust them. I don’t think I was ever shown trust as a child either, so how do I trust my kids?

>> I hear that I should trust my child’s development, yet still guide them. So, when my 5 year old is at dinner and she won’t eat her food and she’s running around dancing… do I guide her to sit down and eat? Or do I trust that she’s developing and bite my tongue? How does that work?

>> This may sound silly but, I don’t know that I trust myself. Not in a bad way, I just second guess everything and worry, a lot. So where do I start? What can I do on a daily basis to boost my trust in myself?

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Three Questions to Boost Your Self Care

Three questions to amp up your self-care!

It may sound backwards, but I bet my life on it – in parenting, the most essential element is taking care of yourself.

Your perception of your life (especially your parenting) is influenced by how you feel.

When you are tired, or worried, or drained, or thinking that you’re not doing good enough, or not in the groove with YOU –

then it’s way harder to feel confident as a parent and to connect with those around you.

Self-care directly influences how you see and respond to the people in your world.

When you neglect your self-care, all the information in the world can’t help you.

It’s up to you to be gentle. To be mindful. To care for yourself.

That’s how you can change your internal state.

And when you do that – life shifts. 

Take a moment to answer these questions in the comments and notice what comes up!

1. What can I say to myself to help me stay connected to me?

2. What sound/sight/taste makes me feel better about life?

3. How can I bring those into my life every single day?

 

I can’t wait to read your answers!

Much love,

Carrie

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Example answers to the questions: “I am secure in all my decisions.” The sound of running water, and the smell of lemons. I could put a bowl of lemons on my desk. And I could put an alarm on my phone to remind myself to say “I am secure in all my decisions,” throughout the day.

Are your expectations preventing connection?

It’s a big question, but it’s worth paying attention to. And it’s something that a parent shared with me that caused me to pause.

This mama is in my year long Evolve program, and she posted a reflection in our private Facebook community.

She wrote,

I was talking with my best friend the other night, and she shared that lately she’s been trying to be with her daughter ‘without an agenda’ and it’s changed everything.

I didn’t quite get it, but I decided I would try it out this week. AND OMG IT WORKS!!

It’s basically what Carrie says about slowing down, but for some reason the wording of ‘being with your kid without an agenda’ clicked something important in my brain.

When my kids want to talk, we talk. When they want to play, we play. It’s especially working at bedtime. If I remember ‘no agenda,’ I can temporarily shut down the part of my brain that is always scrolling through the to-do list or is thinking about how they need to brush teeth/take bath/read book/go to sleep and just BE with them. And they fall asleep so much faster! So awesome!

Of course, we still have massive bumps, but still. Amazing what a few words can do to change your (my) perspective . . .

Yes! I love this concept of being in connection with someone without an agenda. Brilliant mama. And way to try it out and see how it feels. That can sometimes be the most difficult part.

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If you’re interested in diving a little deeper, I encourage you to take a listen to this audio recording I just made that helps unearth some of the nuances of expectations vs. connection.

Sending you well wishes for love, ease, and connection in family life.

Enjoy,

Carrie

 

What are you appreciating about YOU?

In a recent blog post, we talked about the act of soothing. I loved your ideas and practices of how to soothe yourself. They were so touching and inspirational, I definitely tried quite a few! And today I want to talk about self appreciation.

How many times have you appreciated your growing people, your partner, your friends, and your family?

My bet is at least a few thousand times!

So this is a friendly nudge to encourage you to write at least 3 (if not more!) appreciations for yourself.

 

Try it out, leave a comment,

and appreciate, appreciate, appreciate 

the one and only – YOU.

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Here are a few examples:

“I appreciate that I have such a tender and warm heart.”
“I appreciate that my laugh comes from my gut!”
“I appreciate that I get up and go to work to provide for myself and my family.”
“I appreciate that I have worked hard to maintain relationships with my own parents.”
“I appreciate my incredible body for all its abilities and strengths!”
“I appreciate that I’m open to learning.”
“I appreciate that I am taking better care of myself.”
And on and on!

 

Q&A: Massive Meltdowns

My 5 year old son acts so much different with me than with his father. I feel like I have to work 10 times harder with him than my husband does. An example would be when my son wants something that he can’t have, if my husband says no there may be a little whining or complaining but that’s it.

If I say no (and my husband is not home to intervene) my son will have a complete meltdown. He will SCREAM, KICK, and beg for an hour or more. I usually take him to his room (because he will not go on his own) and tell him not to come downstairs until he can calm down and talk to me instead of screaming. He doesn’t listen, he screams louder and follows me back downstairs. I don’t give in and give him his way so it’s not he’s ever gotten his way so he’s trying to do it again. I end up spending an entire hour or more trying to deal with him while ensuring my three year old that brother is ok, etc. I don’t yell at him or raise my voice. I usually repeat to him that I will be happy to talk to him when he calms down. He’s just started saying that he’ll calm down when he gets xyz… !!!

I feel like every time he has one of these meltdowns it takes a year off of my life.

 

Ouch. This can really evoke some big feelings. I get this question a lot so you are definitely not alone.

It sounds like your son is a stressed little person at the moment. Humans aren’t only stressed by negative things, we are also stressed by positive things. Little people get easily overwhelmed by new places, new people, new experiences, etc. It’s all ok, and he needs your help regulating his system through your empathy and reassurance that he’s safe and that you are still with him. I would carve some special time with just him over the next few days. I would also give him lots of eye to eye, skin to skin and heart to heart contact. When he cries and has a meltdown, you can empathize, “I hear you, love. You want XYZ.” Then zip it (no more words) and let him have his feelings.

One of my favorite teachers in school was Bryan Post. He provides some enlightening information on those BIG emotions from growing people.

“By nature of their development, children are more sensitive than adults. Children will sense emotional energy three times as strongly as an adult simply because their regulatory systems are in the earliest stages of development and they must rely on their senses for survival. Whereas the adult’s regulatory system has been functioning for so long at such a continued state, that it has become conditioned to its environment, and therefore, somewhat desensitized to outside input. Also as adults we have learned to rely on our cognitive brains to a greater degree than our emotional brains.

 

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Our children are still very much in tune to their emotional experience therefore more likely to react from it. Unlike our children, as adults we think we are listening to our cognitive brain, being logical and making sense without realizing we are being dictated to by our emotional brain. In other words, we aren’t always as smart as we sound! Furthermore, in this manner we are not always sensitive to our children’s deeper needs. We must learn to listen and respond to their behaviors, rather than react. This emotional communication is the best reflection for what they truly need.” – Bryan Post

With this in mind, I want to encourage you to try out the following:

• Avoid using words to rationalize with him. Practice empathizing, reflecting his feelings, and zip-it! Then remain with him in the room and let the thunderstorm rumble until it fades.

• Check in with him more often. See where he is in his brain, frequently. If he’s human, great go forward. Give him the heads up on what’s expected and tell him what will happen if he can/can’t roll with it. Be clear and make sure he is in agreement with you before you go somewhere where things could go south.

• If he’s not in a good place, stay close to home. It’s way easier to connect with a melty child at home than out in public.

• When he’s in a resourced state, in other words – when he’s not melting down, ask him what he needs when he is melting down. Is it as simple as needing a little more transition time? Does he need you to tell him it’s time to go and then back up for a bit? Was he hungry? Tired? Overdone from other things going on?

• Is he needing more physical/mental/social activity? OR less perhaps?

I would just experiment with trying different things before questioning your parenting and adding in more punitive consequences. Remember, this is a small human in the midst of growing, go for love and connection, it will serve you in the short and long term.

It’s very possible that he’s in the midst of some huge developmental shifts and may have, and need, meltdowns, for a little while. Additionally, he may inherently feel like he can completely let go with you – which is why it can feel like he lets it all out on you. Give yourself lots of breaks so you have enough in you when he’s having a hard time. Trust it. Trust him.

Y’all will get through this. You know that when you are resourced. Keep dialing it all in, my dear. You got this.

Much love,

Carrie

 

Exploring How to Soothe Yourself

One of the most tender things a parent does is soothe their child. And yet, many times, parents forget to actually soothe themselves as well.

“Soothing” is a topic that I’ve been thinking about for quite a while.

It all stemmed from a huge “stormy” day I had this winter. You know, one of those days where everything is wrong, nothing tastes right, fits well, looks good, sounds correct, feels comforting. Every thought is grumpy, and even when you try and see the positive, the gremlin thoughts pounce and bring you back down.

It was one of those days, and I was IN it. And I’ve cultivated a pretty compassionate practice, where I just let myself experience the emotions –

and then I realized…

I’m needing to soothe myself.

Just like a parent would soothe their child, I need to soothe myself.

But, how in the world do I do that?

And what does it bring me?

So, like I said, I’ve been thinking on this for a few months. I’ve been experimenting and writing and diving deep to understand what about soothing may serve us as adults.

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And I came up with a few ideas that may help you grasp this concept, and figure out for yourself…

How do you soothe . . . you?

Take a listen and see what you discover about soothing yourself.

Then leave a comment or send me an email and me know what you think.

Love,

Carrie

P.S. It’s funny that I am just now coming back around to this idea of soothing as adults, since I have researched and written about soothing babies for years. Just goes to show we’re always learning and growing, and I appreciate being able to share my ideas and strategies with you. I’m happy to share a pdf with my top baby soothing tips Know someone with a new baby in their world? Feel free to forward this page to them. They’ll thank you!