Q&A: Massive Meltdowns

My 5 year old son acts so much different with me than with his father. I feel like I have to work 10 times harder with him than my husband does. An example would be when my son wants something that he can’t have, if my husband says no there may be a little whining or complaining but that’s it.

If I say no (and my husband is not home to intervene) my son will have a complete meltdown. He will SCREAM, KICK, and beg for an hour or more. I usually take him to his room (because he will not go on his own) and tell him not to come downstairs until he can calm down and talk to me instead of screaming. He doesn’t listen, he screams louder and follows me back downstairs. I don’t give in and give him his way so it’s not he’s ever gotten his way so he’s trying to do it again. I end up spending an entire hour or more trying to deal with him while ensuring my three year old that brother is ok, etc. I don’t yell at him or raise my voice. I usually repeat to him that I will be happy to talk to him when he calms down. He’s just started saying that he’ll calm down when he gets xyz… !!!

I feel like every time he has one of these meltdowns it takes a year off of my life.

 

Ouch. This can really evoke some big feelings. I get this question a lot so you are definitely not alone.

It sounds like your son is a stressed little person at the moment. Humans aren’t only stressed by negative things, we are also stressed by positive things. Little people get easily overwhelmed by new places, new people, new experiences, etc. It’s all ok, and he needs your help regulating his system through your empathy and reassurance that he’s safe and that you are still with him. I would carve some special time with just him over the next few days. I would also give him lots of eye to eye, skin to skin and heart to heart contact. When he cries and has a meltdown, you can empathize, “I hear you, love. You want XYZ.” Then zip it (no more words) and let him have his feelings.

One of my favorite teachers in school was Bryan Post. He provides some enlightening information on those BIG emotions from growing people.

“By nature of their development, children are more sensitive than adults. Children will sense emotional energy three times as strongly as an adult simply because their regulatory systems are in the earliest stages of development and they must rely on their senses for survival. Whereas the adult’s regulatory system has been functioning for so long at such a continued state, that it has become conditioned to its environment, and therefore, somewhat desensitized to outside input. Also as adults we have learned to rely on our cognitive brains to a greater degree than our emotional brains.

 

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Our children are still very much in tune to their emotional experience therefore more likely to react from it. Unlike our children, as adults we think we are listening to our cognitive brain, being logical and making sense without realizing we are being dictated to by our emotional brain. In other words, we aren’t always as smart as we sound! Furthermore, in this manner we are not always sensitive to our children’s deeper needs. We must learn to listen and respond to their behaviors, rather than react. This emotional communication is the best reflection for what they truly need.” – Bryan Post

With this in mind, I want to encourage you to try out the following:

• Avoid using words to rationalize with him. Practice empathizing, reflecting his feelings, and zip-it! Then remain with him in the room and let the thunderstorm rumble until it fades.

• Check in with him more often. See where he is in his brain, frequently. If he’s human, great go forward. Give him the heads up on what’s expected and tell him what will happen if he can/can’t roll with it. Be clear and make sure he is in agreement with you before you go somewhere where things could go south.

• If he’s not in a good place, stay close to home. It’s way easier to connect with a melty child at home than out in public.

• When he’s in a resourced state, in other words – when he’s not melting down, ask him what he needs when he is melting down. Is it as simple as needing a little more transition time? Does he need you to tell him it’s time to go and then back up for a bit? Was he hungry? Tired? Overdone from other things going on?

• Is he needing more physical/mental/social activity? OR less perhaps?

I would just experiment with trying different things before questioning your parenting and adding in more punitive consequences. Remember, this is a small human in the midst of growing, go for love and connection, it will serve you in the short and long term.

It’s very possible that he’s in the midst of some huge developmental shifts and may have, and need, meltdowns, for a little while. Additionally, he may inherently feel like he can completely let go with you – which is why it can feel like he lets it all out on you. Give yourself lots of breaks so you have enough in you when he’s having a hard time. Trust it. Trust him.

Y’all will get through this. You know that when you are resourced. Keep dialing it all in, my dear. You got this.

Much love,

Carrie