Letting yourself off the “perfect summer” hook

I am finding this summer to be hard and it’s bringing up a lot of up and down feelings. I have it in my head that it’s “supposed to be” this fun time full of picnics and lazy days and time off. 

I want my 8-year-old son to have these wonderful memories and I feel pressure to come up with experiences that make the most of summertime. The reality is that I’m a solo mom who works full-time so my son is mostly in camps and often comes home all crispy so the evenings can be challenging. I have an overwhelming feeling that I’m letting it all slip out of my hands.

These words came from a mama I love supporting in my year-long Evolve program. She asked for advice from our community, and she received some great responses and tons of empathy/commiseration. I know she’s not alone when it comes to this concern (I hear it a lot!) and I want to toss out some additional ideas to help you along this journey.

Let’s move toward embracing the rest of the summer and…

1. Let go of how it’s “supposed to be.” There’s no right way to do summer, or the school year or anything else, for that matter. There’s just the way that works for you and your family. Let yourself completely off the “this is how summer is supposed to be” hook. Give yourself permission to create a summer that work for you and your son. Which may not look like anyone else’s summer but feels good to you two.

2. Stop the gremlins. Our thoughts can be our greatest source of creativity and problem solving and dreaming and scheming AND they can also be very unhelpful at times.

When you notice the “gremlin thoughts” (you know the ones — negative, fearful, critical, guilt-ridden, etc.) popping up and swirling around in ways that just stir you up more, STOP THEM! Literally say the word “STOP” and then count backwards from 17… 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

The counting can distract you long enough that you stop the negative thoughts from continuing. If that thought or another unhelpful thought pops back in, do it again. “STOP you rascally unhelpful thought! — 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.”

3. Appreciate appreciate appreciate. Once you’ve slowed your thoughts down, give your mind something else to focus on. By listing what you are appreciating, right now, you can shift the trajectory of how you are feeling. It’s simple.  Out loud or to yourself, just start rattling off what’s working…

We went swimming last night and the water felt so good. We ate that yummy corn and it was so easy to make and we both enjoyed it so much. Camp is fun and that one counselor is great and fun and funny with my boy. I feel so lucky that I get to know this amazing kid I call my son. I loved our snuggle on the couch this morning before camp and work…

Getting in the habit of noticing what’s fun, what you love, how good things really are, will bring more and more of the goodies. What you appreciate appreciates! And, it keeps your mind busy in positive ways.

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4.  Shift from having expectations to setting intentions. Expectations are beliefs about a future outcome. “I expect us to have a really fun summer.” “I expect us to make memories.” Yikes! They can be loaded because they depend on a certain outcome.

Intentions are different than expectations. They are conscious determinations to act or feel a certain way to obtain a specific result: “I choose to feel joyful no matter what’s happening around me.” “I intend to be present and appreciate this moment.” See the difference?

How do you want to feel? You get to decided each week, each day, each hour, each moment. Set an intention. State it clearly, positively and often. I suspect you will be pleasantly surprised by what you start to notice.

4. Consult with the REAL expert. Ask your son what he wants! What are his intentions for the rest of the summer? You might be anxiously worrying about him not having a great summer and meanwhile, he’s loving life because he gets to go to an awesome camp and when he’s home he can chill out and completely let go and just be. It’s possible that he’s perfectly content with what’s happening. And if he’s not, he’ll tell you and you can decided what to do from there.

All too often, it’s easy to forget that your growing people are very wise and very clear on what they want and need. Make sure you are checking in regularly so that you operate from, “this is where we are and what we are wanting and needing” vs. from a place of  ”I better make it great and anticipate what’s needed and if I don’t I’m failing my child etc. etc. etc.” The latter can set you on a trajectory that takes you out of the moment and starts you spinning in ways that are not helpful to you or the people around you.

 

So those are my thoughts for how you can rock the rest of this summer. To recap:

Slow it all down.
Connect with your sweet self in this moment.
Appreciate the goodness swirling around you.
Set an intention for how you want life to feel.
Connect with the people around you so you know how they are feeling and what they are wanting.
Dream about how to bring more of what you want into these last few weeks before heading back to school.

And most importantly, find ways that work for YOU to make it great because you want to feel good right now. Take it easy and trust yourself. You’ve got this, sweet mama.