Carrie Contey's Blog, page 11

How to Parent Toddlers

I have a dream.

In this dream, every single parent on the planet understands why children do what they do and feels fully equipped to expertly guide their little growing people as they unfold into who they are, essentially.

This profound understanding of children comes from new knowledge which hasn’t been widely available. Until now.

I created a brand new program that offers laser-focused parenting guidance. What you gain from this program is a quantum leap in your understanding of human development, which brings more joy to parenting and allows you to experience way more ease in the day to day of family life.

Sound like something you want?  Click the image to check it out and jump in!

This evolutionary program is called On Toddlerhood, and it is part of a growing series I’m creating called On Humanhood. (These programs are the result of my experience, expertise, insight, and thoughts…On Humanhood)

I’m excited to offer On Toddlerhood as my first of the series, because through the years, I’ve received a lot of feedback from parents wishing I had an accessible program that brings sound, practical advice and offers a roadmap to navigate these wild and wonderful years of parenting young children.

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On Toddlerhood provides a super easy way to access crucial parenting knowledge that completely changes the parenting experience by offering you a whole new understanding of how and why little growing people do what they do and what they need from the bigger growing people guiding and caring for them.

On Todderhood is a brand new program that does exactly that.  So go check it out, jump in, and get yourself and your family on the path of joy and ease!

Friday Challenge

Your challenge…

if you choose to accept it…

Be the babysitter!

I LOVE encouraging parents to schedule minutes, hours, evenings or weekends where you pretend you’re the babysitter (or fun aunt/uncle/friend) instead of being the parent.

It’s a time to eat pizza on a blanket on the floor, make a pillow fort, not care about the dishes in the sink or the laundry that needs to be folded, let the bedtime be a little more wiggly and do the things you think you shouldn’t do because you’re “the parent.”

It’s about letting go of your parental responsibilities and just having fun! You can even pay yourself at the end of the night:)

Give it some thought, find a way to do it that feels comfortable and boundaried to you, experiment with the concept and see what unfolds.

Then share your experience/experiment below!

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Q&A: How can I get my partner to help?

I know my son needs to run around outside more in order to get to sleep earlier. I would like my husband to be the one to do it when he gets home from works so I can get dinner cooked and have some space after a long day of parenting and before the evening routine. How can I get my husband to understand that I need him to help me?



This is a big question. One that A LOT of people ask themselves (and me) on a regular basis. I wish I had a magic answer, and I kind of do, but it’s not what most women want to hear. But, I’ll save that for later.

For now, chew on this…

A wise woman once said to me,

“E = D”

I said, “what does that mean?”

and she said, “Expectations = Disappointment”

She was saying this specifically with regards to her partner. She realized early on in their marriage, but after 10 years of being together, that every time she had an expectation of how something “should” be with regards to him and his behavior she would almost always end up feeling disappointed. The expectation was the problem. When she let go of having expectations, she felt way less disappointed.

Yes, it’s logically reasonable for you to want things to be different then they are. It’s logically reasonable for you to feel like he should pick up the slack and do things the way you suggest. And, he’s clearly not choosing to do that. I can imagine that it feels CRAZY MAKING! You have a sense of what your son needs and you want some help from your husband in giving it to him. And, that’s just not what’s happening. I am so sorry. I definitely feel for you.

If you are really asking me and you really want things to shift around the house, take a LONG-TERM approach.

Keep up the self-care. It sounds like you are doing a really good job with that. Keep it up. Add in more. Do what you need to do to feel like your life is really awesome and you are living in gratitude for all that is.

Start communicating a minimum of 5 things you are appreciating about your husband every day. Appreciate how he is parenting. Focus on what is working.

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Give him more of what he is wanting and trust that in doing so you will get more of what you are wanting. In my experience most married women would like their husbands to be more helpful around the house and in the parenting realm AND most married men would like more physical affection and sex with their wives. (Check out a blog post here about how to reignite that loving feeling.) I have seen amazing and astounding turn arounds when women offer their partners more of what they are wanting in the relationship. Dads suddenly start becoming way more attentive and invested in their roles.

It’s not always what women want to hear but it is true. Men need sex to feel good and balanced. Women need help and emotional attunement to feel good and balanced. It’s physiological and evolutionary. Use love and care to your advantage.

Ask for more of what you want when you are in a really positive brain state, “I LOVE watching you play with our son outside!” “Thank you for being such an amazing dad!” “I love that we are working together as a team, it feels so good.” Instead of “I really need you to help me here,” or “I can’t do this all on my own.” The tone of the latter statements is a repellent because it suggests that they are doing it wrong.

Find a way to ask for what you need when you are in a state of gratitude. Invite him to be your hero! Most men love to help women when they feel like they can be the hero.

Give all of that a shot and see what happens. My guess is that he does want to help you a lot more than you sense and he just wasn’t feeling well as you pointed out in your note. Let everyone get back on track, load yourself up on self-care, load him up on the appreciations and see what starts to unfold.

The Sibling Dynamic

Recently I’ve been having conversations with parents about siblings – what they need, why they act certain ways, why they can’t just get along! I sat down and wrote out some hopefully relevant and impactful information. Ready? Deep breath. Go!

So, you’ve got little people in your house and they’re growing leaps and bounds crazy fast. And they’re using your energy as a parent to stay balanced, to be in the human part of their brain, which they’re not going to be in all the time. They will slip. And if they’re out of the house for any period of time away from each other, they’re going to come home even more spent and in more need of filling up.

Siblings might enjoy playing and being together, and then there are these combustions that happen. They just start to get at each other. And you’re thinking, “What happened, you were just doing fine!” And the reason is, they’re playing and having fun, and then their system goes, “Too much!”

And as an adult, you can, on a very deep level, tune into that “disregulation” — the times when they are fine one minute and then acting crazy the next — and catch it and help them re-regulate. You do this when you notice them getting wound up or out of sorts and you say, “Hey, let me give you a little hug here,” or, “Let’s shift gears.” But as a sibling, if someone starts to feel disregulated, the other sibling can’t get their lid on; they’re going to have a reaction too, and then they’re both, BOOM! Disregulated, lower-brained beings. And that’s why the yelling and grabbing and hitting happens.  They’re just overwhelmed little people in their reptile brains.

Parents needs to understand that this is normal. It’s also important to understand that every child is different. You want to figure out how long the siblings can go before they disregulate each other. What I recommend is to take a few days, put on your observer’s hat and watch to see how long they can typically play together before they blow. Once you have a sense of that, experiment with bringing your energy into the mix 5 or 10 minutes before that so you can help them re-regulate their systems and avoid the blow ups.

You can re-regulate them with eye contact, sweet words, and loving physical contact.  You might also get their bodies moving.  By doing this you are emotionally filling them back up—you’re charging their little batteries so they can run a little bit longer in their human brains before they explode again.

If you’ve got a lot of sibling stuff going on in your home, you want to clear as much of the decks as you can: no extra friends, no extra people around. You just want to sink in and slow life down and do some slow family time. One thing that works really well is to split up and do one-on-one with each child and then you come back together. And if you can’t do it in that moment, put it on the calendar and make a point to do that in the future. Schedule one-on-one time with each child.

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My Pops is the little guy on the right.

 

It’s easy (because you are exhausted and you just want a little break) to wait too long before checking in. However, if you catch the signs of when they’re going over, it will save you a lot of aggravation. When siblings are at each other they are most likely doing their best to unconsciously communicate that they’re overwhelmed, and they might be hungry, angry, lonely, tired, but no matter what it is, it’s putting them in a part of their brain that can’t stay in relationship with somebody who can’t regulate them.

And so little ones are doing their best to communicate, “I need you; I need help; I need an adult.” And they’re not capable for a very long time of saying, “Can somebody give me this? I need this.” So they’re going to behave in ways that get your full attention.

With siblings, I feel like those patterns get set up in the beginning. So if a child really feels like it’s hard to get mom or dad’s attention when the second baby comes along, they can establish this dynamic where they have to do something kind of unsavory because they know that’s the thing that’s going to get their parents’ full attention. So that’s when you want to help shift them. Give them tools and language to help them move in different directions.

But first, you have to be tuning. Set it up almost like a little case study where for a week you just pay attention. Ask yourself, “When do they combust? Is it when they haven’t eaten for a few hours, is it right before bed, right after school?” I promise doing this work up front with save you time and energy in the long-run.  As you start to read the signs and you preventively filling them up, you’re buying yourself more time and more space and more peace. I guarantee it.

 

Phew! You read all of that – give yourself a pat on the back! And feel free to let me know your thoughts below.

Also, if you want more info and have children between 1 and 4 years old, check out my newest program On Toddlerhood. I promise you’ll get a ton out of the information I provide!

Top 10 Ways to Show Your Love, Love!

Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend about how there are so many ways to show and express and relish in love. We came up with this list and I just had to share. Let me know what else we should add!

1. Go wild with compliments and appreciations. Think of the craziest, most nuanced things and just let them flow! “I love the way you tie your shoes! I adore that you use a fork and spoon to eat salad! I appreciate that you’ve never run out of gas!”

2. Make them a bubble bath. Yes yes, it may sound cheesy, but everyone loves to be pampered. Set the mood how you think they’d enjoy it (music, lighting, snacks) then either get in or let them soak alone. Plus, if someone made you a bath…would you forget it? Me thinks not. :)

3. Leave a love note(s)! Sneak a sweet word of gratitude or encouragement into unexpected places – a shoe, in their coffee mug, the visor of their car, behind their drivers license, etc! Then wait and see how long it takes til they find it.

4. Brag about them in front of other people. When you have visitors, or are with friends, and even in front of your children – take time to joyfully brag about the amazing person you have in your life. Make a big deal about their skills and gifts. Who wouldn’t love that?!

5. Sing a morning song. Start the day off in a completely silly way by making up a little diddy to express the awesomeness of being together. The more outrageous and off key – the better.

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6. Send a bow-chick-a-wow-wow text. Take advantage of technology and send a flirty or sexy text message to the one who gets your engine going.

7. Grab a lil gifty! Sometimes the smallest gesture communicates massive emotions – so next time you’re out and about, grab the item that you know your love would totally enjoy.

8. Favorite food feast! Plan a meal that features all of their favorite foods – maybe they just loveeee breakfast items, or a variety of cheeses, or could lose their mind with a bountiful salad. Pay attention then provide it.

9. Play babysitter. That’s right – give them a break to leave the house, meet up with friends, get a massage, go on a hike, or whatever they please! Then fill up your cup and get ready for some serious parenting!

10. Quiet time together. Last but definitely not least – actively carve out some time to be quiet and be with each other. Even do this as a surprise – “schedule” something you know they may not enjoy, then WHAM – surprise quiet time together instead.

Supportive Reads

Let Yourself Go

I love this quote, especially the last sentence…

Your individual birth will take place at the precise moment

when you stop struggling with your rational fear patterns

and let yourself go in the divine dance of inner direction.

You must decide whether you are going to accept

the inevitable in a state of love and prepare yourself accordingly,

or hold on in fear to the bitter end.

– Raphael

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Q&A – Is good enough, enough?

I don’t know if I talk to my daughter enough. Or the right way. And I keep revisiting this issue over and over.  I’m still driving her around for 2 naps a day or at least we’re in the car. Blurg. I can’t get her to sleep otherwise. I’ve really utilized the time but I feel like an idiot after over 5 months. Just so desperate to keep night time sleep moving in a positive direction that I cling to the naps. I won’t even go into night time sleep.

Just wondering if you can help set me straight. I find I’m not hearing myself when I say I’m the perfect parent for my baby… Or that good enough is enough.

I’m sorry to hear you were having such a hard week. If it’s any consolation, I can honestly say that you are definitely not alone in the way you are feeling.

My best suggestions are these:

It’s likely that you are in need of some extra self-care right now. You are seriously sleep deprived which is leaving you so vulnerable to slipping to your mammal or even reptile brain. The guilt and self-doubt is just a form of “fight or flight” turned inward. Instead of fighting outwards (“I hate you, You stink, etc…) you are fighting inward.


Get some space. Give yourself a break today and do something that adds energy to your emotional system. Nature? Time with a girlfriend? Pedicure? Massage? Go fill up. It’s essential!


Catch the negative thoughts and consciously choose to turn your attention toward this present moment. Name things you see around you – windows, trees, carpet, chair, child, husband, kitchen, etc – Change the channel in your brain. Those thoughts are not serving you.

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Gratitudes! Write out a list of 50 to 100 things about your life that are working. Start simple – A house, a car that works, money to pay your bills, a healthy child… then go deeper. Really roll around in what’s working and how much goodness there is in your life. Your brain needs a re-boot and gratitudes are the quickest way to get there.
Get rid of the books! They are not serving you right now. Just shut them and turn towards your sweet daughter. She will guide you. You are not going to miss anything. You are not messing this up. That’s just your brain trying to get your attention because it’s feeling overwhelmed and panicked.

Try to get back into the moment, connect with yourself, connect with your daughter, savor this moment and let the books go for a while.

 

YOU are more than enough.

You are a living, breathing, fully alive human being.

I do believe that is more than enough.

YOU are more than enough.

Do your best this weekend to celebrate your magnificent existence.

I’m curious…how will you?

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Crafting your way through toddlerhood

Stumped on what to do with your little growing people this afternoon? How about some arts and crafts! Here’s a great list of 25 of the best crafts for little hands

This list is chock-full of some of my all-time favorite ways to give young children the freedom to create while not breaking the bank or creating more of a mess than you are willing to deal with.

Here are my suggestions for making craft time work for everyone:

Figure out what’s age appropriate for your child(ren)  – If your little person is still in the phase of putting everything in his or her mouth then it’s not worth bringing out supplies that are going to evoke a lot of “no’s.” Pick something that is full of “yes yes yes!”
Check in with yourself and see what you are up for  – If you get flustered and resentful when a big mess is made, it’s best to avoid crafts and projects that are messy. Likewise, if you are up for getting down and dirty, go for it. Remember, the boundary lies within you and it’s best for your little ones when you make choices that are going to keep you in balance.
Set up the supplies you need - Sometimes it’s hard for a little person to wait for things to happen. When you are getting them going on a craft or project it may be best to get everything ready the night before or during nap time so you aren’t flustered when your little person is grabbing at things before you are available to help and guide.
Have fun! – Remember, the goal is to have fun. Let your little one explore and try and mess up and enjoy the process. If you feel yourself wanting to jump in and make it “pretty” or “right” it’s best if you go ahead and make your own craft. Your little one will get way more out of the experience of experimenting with the materials then having you jump in to make it look a certain way.

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I’d love to know what kind of crafts you love to do with your toddler. Please share in the comments below.

For much more on being with little growing people, check out my course On Toddlerhood. It’s a game changer and is guaranteed to bring more ease, more joy and way more cooperation to daily life with your little ones.