Quotes About Masturbation

Quotes tagged as "masturbation" (showing 1-30 of 99)
Chuck Palahniuk
“My first time I jacked off, I thought I'd invented it. I looked down at my sloppy handful of junk and thought, This is going to make me rich.”
Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Lily Tomlin
“We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.”
Lily Tomlin

Paulo Coelho
“She imagined herself both queen and slave, dominatrix and victim. In her imagination she was making love with men of all skin colors--white, black, yellow--with homosexuals and beggars. She was anyone's, and anyone could do anything to her. She had one, two, three orgasms, one after another. She imagined everything she had never imagined before, and she gave herself to all that was most base and most pure.”
Paulo Coelho, Veronika Decides to Die

Neil Gaiman
“I wanted to put a reference to masturbation in one of the scripts for the Sandman. It was immediately cut by the editor [Karen Berger]. She told me, "There's no masturbation in the DC Universe." To which my reaction was, "Well, that explains a lot about the DC Universe.”
Neil Gaiman

Craig Ferguson
“Twas the night before Thanksgiving.
All the food's in the oven.
And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.”
Craig Ferguson

Robert Clark
“Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate?”
Robert Clark

Becky Albertalli
“There are some socks that shouldn't be washed by your mom.”
Becky Albertalli, Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda

Robert Clark
“Always buy pornographic books in hardback because they're easier to hold with one hand.”
Robert Clark

Ron Jeremy
“You cannot blame porn. When I was young, I used to masturbate to Gilligan's Island.”
Ron Jeremy

Mark Twain
“The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke, and tell indelicate stories— and mainly, a yearning to paint pictures.”
Mark Twain, On Masturbation

Eve Ensler
“In the United States, the last recorded clitoridectomy for curing masturbation was performed in 1948--on a five year old girl.”
Eve Ensler, The Vagina Monologues

Robert Anton Wilson
“Masturbation is not the happiest form of sexuality, but the most advisable for him who wants to be alone and think. I detect the aroma of this pleasant vice in most philosophers, and a happily married logicians is almost a contradiction in terms. So many sages have regarded Woman as temptress because fornication often leads to marriage, which usually leads to children, which always leads to a respectable job and pretending to believe the idiocies your neighbors believe. The hypocrisy of the sages has been to conceal their timid onanism and call it celibacy.”
Robert Anton Wilson, Nature's God

Missy Welsh
“Remember how it felt yesterday? What you saw me do?” I snorted and grinned. “Man, do I ever. I remembered twice last night and again this morning.”
Missy Welsh, My Summer of Wes

Samantha Whitney
“Hey roomie." I was breathless. I looked her straight in the eyes as my fingers squeezed my nipples and rubbed my swollen clit. "Told you I wouldn't stop when you caught me.”
Samantha Whitney

Will Self
“Regard yourself as a small corporation of one. Take yourself off on team-building exercises (long walks). Hold a Christmas party every year at which you stand in the corner of your writing room, shouting very loudly to yourself while drinking a bottle of white wine. Then masturbate under the desk. The following day you will feel a deep and cohering sense of embarrassment.”
Will Self

Les Claypool
“In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there’s no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities.”
Les Claypool

Al Franken
“Today I will masterbate!

Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written "Today I will masterbate--if I want to!”
Al Franken

Mark Twain
“Homer, in the second book of the Iliad says with fine enthusiasm, "Give me masturbation or give me death." Caesar, in his Commentaries, says, "To the lonely it is company; to the forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and to the impotent it is a benefactor. They that are penniless are yet rich, in that they still have this majestic diversion." In another place this experienced observer has said, "There are times when I prefer it to sodomy." Robinson Crusoe says, "I cannot describe what I owe to this gentle art." Queen Elizabeth said, "It is the bulwark of virginity." Cetewayo, the Zulu hero, remarked, "A jerk in the hand is worth two in the bush." The immortal Franklin has said, "Masturbation is the best policy." Michelangelo and all of the other old masters--"old masters," I will remark, is an abbreviation, a contraction--have used similar language. Michelangelo said to Pope Julius II, "Self-negation is noble, self-culture beneficent, self-possession is manly, but to the truly great and inspiring soul they are poor and tame compared with self-abuse." Mr. Brown, here, in one of his latest and most graceful poems, refers to it in an eloquent line which is destined to live to the end of time--"None knows it but to love it; none name it but to praise.”
Mark Twain, On Masturbation

Haruki Murakami
“If I'm going to merely ramble, maybe I should just snuggle under the warm covers, think of Miu, and play with myself.”
Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart

Amy Lane
“And now Kit’s cock—which had mostly been used for taking a leak before that moment—woke up and screamed I WANT! FEED ME ASSHOLE! And Kit had given it a good handshake until it threw up.”
Amy Lane, Christmas with Danny Fit

Ernest Cline
“At the end of the day, I was still a virgin, all alone in a dark room, humping a lubed-up robot.”
Ernest Cline, Ready Player One

Paulo Coelho
“That's all anyone has, and it's always brief, although, of course, some people believe they have a past where they can accumulate things and a future where they will accumulate still more. By the way, speaking of the present moment, do you masturbate a lot?”
Paulo Coelho, Veronika Decides to Die

R.B. O'Brien
“I was always the girl growing up who just wasn’t quite like the rest of them. I liked working hard. I liked contorting my body until I could feel the ache inside my bones, until I could feel the pain in my teeth. I liked to wear lipstick and nothing else and found myself fascinated with the shape of my lips and the different colors I could make them. I ate too little. Slept too much. Masturbated far too often and at far too young an age. I enjoyed the feeling of being naked alone behind closed doors, exploring my deepest secrets within my imagination, as I put my hand over the rapid pace of my heart to feel how nervous it made me. I blushed at the faintest mention of my name and almost perished when complimented. I loved to find the answers behind someone’s eyes. There’s nothing quite like the feeling of when someone REALLY looks at you. And I read. Every chance I got.”
R.B. O'Brien

“A writer should be able to open a window or two for others to see the world and themselves in a new light. Anything less is just self–indulgence and intellectual masturbation.”
Barista Uno, Maritime Double Shots

“It's true,' Vanya now, 'look at the forms of capitalist expression. Pornographies: pornographies of love, erotic love, Christian love, boy-and-his-dog, pornographies of sunsets, pornographies of killing, and pornographies of deduction--ahh, that sigh when we guess the murderer--all these novels, these films and songs they lull us with, they're approaches more comfortable and less so, to that Absolute Comfort.' A pause to allow Rudi a quick and sour grin. 'The self-induced orgasm.”
Thomas Pynchonchon, Gravity's Rainbow

Abhijit Naskar
“Masturbating is no more sinful than praying or meditating.”
Abhijit Naskar, Either Civilized or Phobic: A Treatise on Homosexuality

Abhijit Naskar
“Masturbation and meditation both promote physical and mental wellbeing.”
Abhijit Naskar, Either Civilized or Phobic: A Treatise on Homosexuality

“A writer should be able to open a window or two and prompt others to see the world and themselves in a new light. Anything less is just self–indulgence and intellectual masturbation.”
Barista Uno, Maritime Double Shots

Samuel Beckett
“Real scratching is superior to masturbation, in my opinion.”
Samuel Beckett, The Complete Short Prose, 1929-1989

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