Masturbation Quotes

Quotes tagged as "masturbation" Showing 1-30 of 110
Chuck Palahniuk
“My first time I jacked off, I thought I'd invented it. I looked down at my sloppy handful of junk and thought, This is going to make me rich.”
Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Lily Tomlin
“We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.”
Lily Tomlin

Paulo Coelho
“She imagined herself both queen and slave, dominatrix and victim. In her imagination she was making love with men of all skin colors--white, black, yellow--with homosexuals and beggars. She was anyone's, and anyone could do anything to her. She had one, two, three orgasms, one after another. She imagined everything she had never imagined before, and she gave herself to all that was most base and most pure.”
Paulo Coelho, Veronika Decides to Die

Neil Gaiman
“I wanted to put a reference to masturbation in one of the scripts for the Sandman. It was immediately cut by the editor [Karen Berger]. She told me, "There's no masturbation in the DC Universe." To which my reaction was, "Well, that explains a lot about the DC Universe.”
Neil Gaiman

Becky Albertalli
“There are some socks that shouldn't be washed by your mom.”
Becky Albertalli, Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda

Craig Ferguson
“Twas the night before Thanksgiving.
All the food's in the oven.
And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.”
Craig Ferguson

Robert Clark
“Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate?”
Robert Clark

Robert Clark
“Always buy pornographic books in hardback because they're easier to hold with one hand.”
Robert Clark

Chris Hedges
“The porn films are not about sex. Sex is airbrushed and digitally washed out of the films. There is no acting because none of the women are permitted to have what amounts to a personality. The one emotion they are allowed to display is an unquenchable desire to satisfy men, especially if that desire involves the women’s physical and emotional degradation. The lightning in the films is harsh and clinical. Pubic hair is shaved off to give the women the look of young girls or rubber dolls. Porn, which advertises itself as sex, is a bizarre, bleached pantomime of sex. The acts onscreen are beyond human endurance. The scenarios are absurd. The manicured and groomed bodies, the huge artificial breasts, the pouting oversized lips, the erections that never go down, and the sculpted bodies are unreal. Makeup and production mask blemishes. There are no beads of sweat, no wrinkle lines, no human imperfections. Sex is reduced to a narrow spectrum of sterilized dimensions. It does not include the dank smell of human bodies, the thump of a pulse, taste, breath—or tenderness. Those in films are puppets, packaged female commodities. They have no honest emotion, are devoid of authentic human beauty, and resemble plastic. Pornography does not promote sex, if one defines sex as a shared act between two partners. It promotes masturbation. It promotes the solitary auto-arousal that precludes intimacy and love. Pornography is about getting yourself off at someone else’s expense.”
Chris Hedges, Empire of Illusion: The End of Literacy and the Triumph of Spectacle

Ron Jeremy
“You cannot blame porn. When I was young, I used to masturbate to Gilligan's Island.”
Ron Jeremy

Robert Anton Wilson
“Masturbation is not the happiest form of sexuality, but the most advisable for him who wants to be alone and think. I detect the aroma of this pleasant vice in most philosophers, and a happily married logicians is almost a contradiction in terms. So many sages have regarded Woman as temptress because fornication often leads to marriage, which usually leads to children, which always leads to a respectable job and pretending to believe the idiocies your neighbors believe. The hypocrisy of the sages has been to conceal their timid onanism and call it celibacy.”
Robert Anton Wilson, Nature's God

Mark Twain
“The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke, and tell indelicate stories— and mainly, a yearning to paint pictures.”
Mark Twain, On Masturbation

Eve Ensler
“In the United States, the last recorded clitoridectomy for curing masturbation was performed in 1948--on a five year old girl.”
Eve Ensler, The Vagina Monologues

Mark Twain
“Homer, in the second book of the Iliad says with fine enthusiasm, "Give me masturbation or give me death." Caesar, in his Commentaries, says, "To the lonely it is company; to the forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and to the impotent it is a benefactor. They that are penniless are yet rich, in that they still have this majestic diversion." In another place this experienced observer has said, "There are times when I prefer it to sodomy." Robinson Crusoe says, "I cannot describe what I owe to this gentle art." Queen Elizabeth said, "It is the bulwark of virginity." Cetewayo, the Zulu hero, remarked, "A jerk in the hand is worth two in the bush." The immortal Franklin has said, "Masturbation is the best policy." Michelangelo and all of the other old masters--"old masters," I will remark, is an abbreviation, a contraction--have used similar language. Michelangelo said to Pope Julius II, "Self-negation is noble, self-culture beneficent, self-possession is manly, but to the truly great and inspiring soul they are poor and tame compared with self-abuse." Mr. Brown, here, in one of his latest and most graceful poems, refers to it in an eloquent line which is destined to live to the end of time--"None knows it but to love it; none name it but to praise.”
Mark Twain, On Masturbation

Will Self
“Regard yourself as a small corporation of one. Take yourself off on team-building exercises (long walks). Hold a Christmas party every year at which you stand in the corner of your writing room, shouting very loudly to yourself while drinking a bottle of white wine. Then masturbate under the desk. The following day you will feel a deep and cohering sense of embarrassment.”
Will Self

Les Claypool
“In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there’s no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities.”
Les Claypool

Samantha Whitney
“Hey roomie." I was breathless. I looked her straight in the eyes as my fingers squeezed my nipples and rubbed my swollen clit. "Told you I wouldn't stop when you caught me.”
Samantha Whitney

Missy Welsh
“Remember how it felt yesterday? What you saw me do?” I snorted and grinned. “Man, do I ever. I remembered twice last night and again this morning.”
Missy Welsh, My Summer of Wes

Al Franken
“Today I will masterbate!

Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written "Today I will masterbate--if I want to!”
Al Franken

Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Some women do not masturbate for pleasure; they masturbate to make a political statement: to remind us that women do not really need men (or at least not as much and as frequently as every single male chauvinist and every single misogynist believes).”
Mokokoma Mokhonoana, On Masturbation: A Satirical Essay

Amy Lane
“And now Kit’s cock—which had mostly been used for taking a leak before that moment—woke up and screamed I WANT! FEED ME ASSHOLE! And Kit had given it a good handshake until it threw up.”
Amy Lane, Christmas with Danny Fit

Haruki Murakami
“If I'm going to merely ramble, maybe I should just snuggle under the warm covers, think of Miu, and play with myself.”
Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart

August Clearwing
“Sex without love is nothing more than a complex form of masturbation.”
August Clearwing, Never Have I Ever

Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“When it comes to sex: some men treat women as objects; some women treat objects as men.”
Mokokoma Mokhonoana, N for Nigger: Aphorisms for Grown Children and Childish Grown-ups

Paulo Coelho
“That's all anyone has, and it's always brief, although, of course, some people believe they have a past where they can accumulate things and a future where they will accumulate still more. By the way, speaking of the present moment, do you masturbate a lot?”
Paulo Coelho, Veronika Decides to Die

Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Some women have been faking orgasms for so long that they sometimes fake one when they are masturbating.”
Mokokoma Mokhonoana, On Masturbation: A Satirical Essay

Mark Twain
“Of all the various kinds of sexual intercourse, this has the least to recommend it. As an amusement, it is too fleeting; as an occupation, it is too wearing; as a public exhibition, there is no money in it. It is unsuited to the drawing room, and in the most cultured society it has long been banished from the social board. It has at last, in our day of progress and improvement, been degraded to brotherhood with flatulence. Among the best bred, these two arts are now indulged in only private--though by consent of the whole company, when only males are present, it is still permissible, in good society, to remove the embargo on the fundamental sigh.”
Mark Twain, On Masturbation

Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“It was masturbation, not willpower, that made it possible for gazillions of women to walk down the aisle with their reputation and their hymen still intact.”
Mokokoma Mokhonoana, On Masturbation: A Satirical Essay

Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Reality is in the hand of the masturbator.”
Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Tom Perrotta
“Next time she’d have to ask him to keep the light on while he did it, so she could watch his face. That was the best part of the whole thing as far as she was concerned, the way a guy’s face contorted so violently and then relaxed, as if some terrible mystery had just been solved.”
Tom Perrotta, The Leftovers

« previous 1 3 4