Amusing Quotes

Quotes tagged as "amusing" (showing 1-30 of 61)
Tamora Pierce
“You didn't kill him. He would have killed you, but you didn't kill him."
"So? He was stupid. If I killed everyone who was stupid, I wouldn't have time to sleep.”
Tamora Pierce, In the Hand of the Goddess

Terry Pratchett
“But we're a university! We have to have a library!" said Ridcully. "It adds tone. What sort of people would we be if we didn't go into the library?"

"Students," said Senior Wrangler morosely.”
Terry Pratchett, The Last Continent

Kaida Ashia
“May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch”
Kaida Ashia

Jamie McGuire
“His fingers lightly grazed my cheek. "I didn't know you before. When you're not there, I can't concentrate. I'm wondering where you are, what you're doing...if you're there and I can see you, I can see you, I can focus. I know it's crazy, but that's how it is."

"And crazy is exactly the way I like it," I said, leaning up to kiss his lips.

"Obviously," America muttered under breath.”
Jamie McGuire, Beautiful Disaster

Erma Bombeck
“A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.”
Erma Bombeck

Shannon Hale
“Careful with the accusations of insanity, oh my lady whose home is a tower with windows of brick, all for the sake of some skinny-ankled, laugh-prone boy of a khan.”
Shannon Hale, Book of a Thousand Days

Nalini Singh
“Sara held up a hand. 'How exactly did you "decline" his offer?'
'By slitting his throat.”
Nalini Singh, Angels' Blood

Douglas Adams
“The little waiter's eyebrows wandered about his forehead in confusion.”
Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

Anne Bishop
“The Dimwit's Guide to the Female Mind might assist your efforts in understanding human females. But it must be pointed out that this subject can be a dangerous adventure and should be undertaken with extreme caution. After all, human males have been trying to understand their females for generations, and most of the time they come away from these encounters looking like someone stuck their tails into an electric socket.”
Anne Bishop, Marked in Flesh

William Blake
“The Devil answer'd: bray a fool in a morter with wheat, yet shall not his folly be beaten out of him; if Jesus Christ is the greatest man, you ought to love him in the greatest degree; now hear how he has given his sanction to the law of ten commandments: did he not mock at the sabbath, and so mock the sabbaths God? murder those who were murder'd because of him? turn away the law from the woman taken in adultery? steal the labor of others to support him? bear false witness when he omitted making a defense before Pilate? covet when he pray'd for his disciples, and when he bid them shake off the dust of their feet against such as refused to lodge them? I tell you, no virtue can exist without breaking these ten commandments; Jesus was all virtue, and acted from impulse, not from rules.”
William Blake, The Marriage of Heaven and Hell

Sam Kean
“Think of the most fussy science teacher you ever had. The one who docked your grade if the sixth decimal place in your answer was rounded incorrectly; who tucked in his periodic table T-shirt, corrected every student who said "weight" when he or she meant "mass", and made everyone, including himself, wear goggles even while mixing sugar water. Now try to imagine someone whom your teacher would hate for being anal-retentive. That is the kind of person who works for a bureau of standards and measurement.”
Sam Kean, The Disappearing Spoon: And Other True Tales of Madness, Love, and the History of the World from the Periodic Table of the Elements

Jonathan Safran Foer
“There are many premium writers, yes? Tolstoy, yes? He wrote War, and also Peace, which are both premium books.”
Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated

Anne Enright
“the kind of person took milk in his tea on one day and decided against it on the next.”
Anne Enright, The Gathering

Bill Bryson
“and let's face it, the French Army couldn't beat a girls hockey team”
Bill Bryson, Neither Here nor There: Travels in Europe

Charlotte Brontë
“You think too much of your "toilette", Adele; but you may have a flower." I took a rose from a vase and fastened it in her sash. She sighed a sign of ineffable satisfaction, as if her cup of happiness were now full. I turned my face away to conceal a smile I could not suppress; there was something ludicrous as well as painful in the little Parisienne's earnest and innate devotion to matters of dress.”
Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

Terry Pratchett
“Other people say: hold on, if he's carrying the entire universe in a sack, right, that means he's carrying himself and the sack inside the sack, because the universe contains everything. Including him. And the sack, of course. Which contains him and the sack already. As it were.

To which the reply is: well?”
Terry Pratchett

“Assuming mother's absence is only for a short time, don't be too concerned if you find yourself being more relaxed than she is over what the children eat. It is far better to maintain harmony and let mother cope with the problem later. You can use the excuse "You are only having this because Mummy's in hospital!".”
Nursing Mothers' Association of Australia, NMAA Cooks

Orson Scott Card
“Issib wasn't thrilled to see him. I'm busy and don't need interruptions."

"This is the household library," said Nafai. "This is where we always come to do research."

"See? You're interrupting already."

"Look, I didn't say anything, I just came in here, and you started picking at me the second I walked in the door."

"I was hoping you'd walk back out."

"I can't. Mother sent me here." Nafai walked over behind Issib, who was floating comfortably in the air in front of his computer display. It was layered thirty pages deep, but each page had only a few words on it, so he could see almost everything at once. Like a game of solitaire, in which Issib was simply moving fragments from place to place.

The fragments were all words in weird languages. The ones Nafai recognized were very old.

"What language is that?" Nafai asked pointing, to one.

Issib signed. "I'm so glad you're not interrupting me."

"What is it, some ancient form of Vijati?"

"Very good. It's Slucajan, which came from Obilazati, the original form of Vijati. It's dead now."

"I read Vijati, you know."

"I don't."

"Oh, so you're specializing in ancient, obscure languages that nobody speaks anymore, including you?"

"I'm not learning these languages, I'm researching lost words."

"If the whole language is dead, then all the words are lost."

"Words that used to have meanings, but that died out or survived only in idiomatic expressions. Like 'dancing bear.' What's a bear, do you know?"

"I don't know. I always thought it was some kind of graceful bird."

"Wrong. It's an ancient mammal. Known only on Earth, I think, and not brought here. Or it died out soon. It was bigger than a man, very powerful. A predator."

"And it danced?"

"The expression used to mean something absurdly clumsy. Like a dog walking on its hind legs."

"And now it means the opposite. That's weird. How could it change?"

"Because there aren't any bears. THe meaning used to be obvious, because everybody knew a bear and how clumsy it would look, dancing. But when the bears were gone, the meaning could go anywhere. Now we use it for a person who's extremely deft in getting out of an embarrassing social situation. It's the only case that we use the word bear anymore. And you see a lot of people misspelling it, too."

"Great stuff. You doing a linguistics project?"

"No."

"What's this for, then?"

"Me."

"Just collection old idioms?"

"Lost words."

"Like bear? The word isn't lost, Issya. It's the bears that are gone."

"Very good, Nyef. You get full credit for the assignment. Go away now.”
Orson Scott Card, Magic Street

Barbara Michaels
“Bruce ate a mouthful of eggs and meditated. 'I wonder how many of the great heroes of history would turn out to be a slow runner, if you ever investigated the circumstances.”
Barbara Michaels, Ammie, Come Home

Edith Pargeter
“He sat staring before him, seeing nothing but a long line of Mortimers, inexhaustable and prolific to the end of time.”
Edith Pargeter, A Bloody Field by Shrewsbury

Kelley Armstrong
“I signed off with Ricky, and I was putting away my phone when TC slunk past, heading for his spot in the front window.

"Hey, cat," I said. "We're bringing home a friend for you. A doggie big enough to devour you in a single gulp. Is that okay?"

He turned a baleful stare on me, as if he understood. I'm convinced TC isn't just a cat, no more than Lloergan is just a dog. Maybe someday, when I'm moments from perishing at the hands of an intruder, TC will save me in a sudden and awe-inspiring display of supernatural power. Or maybe he'll decide I haven't given him enough tuna that week and leave me to my fate. He's a cat, so I figure my chances are about fifty-fifty.”
Kelley Armstrong, Rituals

Sulari Gentill
“You know, Mac,”Cadmus said still looking out the window. “We may have to work on the way we tell our story …apparently it’s not amusing enough.”

“I’ll try to include a joke between ‘he bled to death’and ‘the city burned’.”Machaon responded tersely.”
Sulari Gentill, Chasing Odysseus

“When a new baby is expected mother has 9 months to prepare the family and the kitchen for her departure!”
Nursing Mothers' Association of Australia, NMAA Cooks

Colleen Hoover
“(L) So that makes me.... your uncle?

(M) Step-uncle.

(L) I already pictured you naked.

(M) Now would be a good time to stop doing that.”
Colleen Hoover, Without Merit

Louise Erdrich
“Soon she cried and farted herself to sleep.”
Louise Erdrich, LaRose

Eileen Cook
“Pain and humiliation is always amusing when it happens to someone else.”
Eileen Cook, The Hanging Girl

Shannon Hale
“Falling in love and falling to your death feel about the same, I thought. And I almost laughed.”
Shannon Hale, Dangerous

Django Wexler
“Pathetic,' the Dragon rumbled. 'This is what my sister sends against me, after so many years? Children? And the little bones always stick in my teeth...”
Django Wexler, The Forbidden Library

Charles Stross
“The rules of physics are, in some cases, suspiciously anthropic.”
Charles Stross

Jaymin Eve
“I couldn’t tear my gaze from Braxton, his dragon had never called the demon before, it must have something to do with the blue flames. And it sounded like my twin had a demon inside too, which was most probably about our marks. We needed more information on what was going to happen. Clearly dragon marks responded to dragon shifters.
“Jessa!” Maximus’ bellow was loud, roar-like. He looked to be pretty vamped out, his eyes black, hair blonder, fangs fully extended. The pissed off aura he was throwing around could be felt even across the distance. “Don’t say anything to … annoy … Braxton. He’s not himself.”
Thank you, very helpful. I could see that for my freaking self.
Okay, I’d heed his warning and tread carefully with the dragon shifter. Only problem, my demon was dragging me closer, my feet starting to move of their own accord. Mischa was right beside me. I could see that Jacob, Tyson and Maximus were trying to get around their brother and reach us first, but Braxton snarled and shot flames every time they moved out from behind him..”
Jaymin Eve, Dragon Marked

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