Kristen > Kristen's Quotes

“To this day, all I know is there are between two and four openings down there and that the set up inside looks vaguely like the Texas Longhorns logo.”
― Tina Fey, Bossypants

“Did you win your sword fight?"
"Of course I won the fucking sword fight," Hiro says. "I'm the greatest sword fighter in the world."
"And you wrote the software."
"Yeah. That, too," Hiro says.”
― Neal Stephenson, Snow Crash

“I just saved your fucking life, Mom. . . . You could at least offer me an Oreo.”
― Neal Stephenson, Snow Crash

“My dear, did you just try to prove the existence of God through the use of your cleavage?”
― Brandon Sanderson, Warbreaker

“The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“The major problem—one of the major problems, for there are several—one of the many major problems with governing people is that of whom you get to do it; or rather of who manages to get people to let them do it to them.
To summarize: it is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it.
To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“How do you fight someone smarter than yourself?' Rand Whispered. 'The answer is simple. You make her think that you are sitting down across the table from her, ready to play her game. Then you punch her in the face as hard as you can.”
― Brandon Sanderson, The Gathering Storm

“The sort of twee person who thinks swearing is in any way a sign of a lack of education or a lack of verbal interest is just a fucking lunatic.”
― Stephen Fry

“I'm not gong to kill you," said Locke

I'm going to play a little game I like to call 'Scream in pain until you answer my fucking questions.”
― Scott Lynch, The Lies of Locke Lamora

“That's a sweet piece," said Jean, briefly forgetting to be aggravated. "You didn't snatch that off a street."

"No," said Locke, before taking another deep draught of the warm water in the decanter. "I got it from the neck of the governor's mistress."

"You can't be serious."

"In the governor's manor."

"Of all the -"

"In the governor's bed."

"Damned lunatic!"

"With the governor sleeping next to her."

The night quiet was broken by the high, distant trill of a whistle, the traditional swarming noise of city watches everywhere. Several other whistles joined in a few moments later.

"It is possible," said Locke with a sheepish grin, "that I have been slightly too bold.”
― Scott Lynch, Red Seas Under Red Skies

“What's the n-never-fail universal apology?"

"'I was badly misinformed, I deeply regret the error, go fuck yourself with this bag of money.”
― Scott Lynch, The Republic of Thieves

“In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.”
― Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies

“A boy may be as disagreeable as he pleases, but when a girl refuses to crap sunshine on command, the world mutters darkly about her moods.”
― Scott Lynch, The Republic of Thieves

“She thinks, I want an orange soda. And I want vodka to mix into the orange soda. And while we're at it, I'd also like to stop being able to see how people are going to bite it. Oh, and a pony. I definitely want a goddamn pony.”
― Chuck Wendig, Blackbirds

“I know it's not thematically in tune with my new job and all, but I find it effective. Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day," I say. "But set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life. Tao of Pratchett. I live by it.”
― Jim Butcher, Cold Days

“It had flaws, but what does that matter when it comes to matters of the heart? We love what we love. Reason does not enter into it. In many ways, unwise love is the truest love. Anyone can love a thing because. That's as easy as putting a penny in your pocket. But to love something despite. To know the flaws and love them too. That is rare and pure and perfect.”
― Patrick Rothfuss, The Wise Man's Fear

“The world isn't fair? What a huge revelation! Some people in power abuse those they have power over? Amazing! When did this start happening?”
― Brandon Sanderson, Words of Radiance

“I can see what you’re up to.”
“Five foot six inches,” Shallan said. “I suspect that’s all I will ever be up to, unfortunately.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Words of Radiance

“This is a lot more satisfying," he said, "when I have intelligent life whom I can render awed, rapt with attention for my clever verbosity."
The ugly lizard-crab-thing on the next rock over clicked its claw, an almost hesitant sound.
"Your right, of course," Wit said. "My usual audience isn't particularly intelligent. That was also the obvious joke, however, so shame on you.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Words of Radiance

“Are you kidding? You just told her that an invisible man who tells you to kill people just showed up when you didn’t want him to.” “Not one of our smoothest interactions,” Tobias agreed.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Skin Deep

“I can't wait till I have grandchildren. When I was younger, I had to walk to the rim of a crater. Uphill! In an EVA suit! On Mars, ya little shit! Ya hear me? Mars!”
― Andy Weir, The Martian

“[11:49] JPL: What we can see of your planned cut looks good. We’re assuming the other side is identical. You’re cleared to start drilling.
[12:07] Watney: That’s what she said.
[12:25] JPL: Seriously, Mark? Seriously?”
― Andy Weir

“Problem is (follow me closely here, the science is pretty complicated), if I cut a hole in the Hab, the air won't stay inside anymore.”
― Andy Weir, The Martian

“Me: “This is obviously a clog. How about I take it apart and check the internal tubing?” NASA: (after five hours of deliberation) “No. You’ll fuck it up and die.” So I took it apart.”
― Andy Weir, The Martian

“A group of ghosts is a fraid. No, really. I don’t know what jackass came up with that one, but it’s a real thing. A fraid of ghosts. Clearly, they’ve never seen a group of ghosts. Otherwise it’d be a “Pants-Shitting Terror” of ghosts.”
― Stephen Blackmoore, Broken Souls

“Florida: America's hot, moist land-wang.”
― Chuck Wendig, The Cormorant

“It's a fucking Fiero, dude. It's twenty years old. It has 150,000 miles on it, which is practically what it takes to get to the moon. I'm going to bet if I open this thing up, it's going to smell like stale Drakkar Noir and chemical pine scent. There is probably a dead rat in the trunk. Maybe a whole nest of dead rats and rat babies." She finishes her drawing. (Spoiler alert: it's a penis.) "You should really be paying me to take this burden of Detroit steel off your hands.”
― Chuck Wendig, The Cormorant

“She was not, herself, hugely in favor of motherhood in general. Obviously it was necessary, but it wasn't exactly difficult. Even cats managed it. But women acted as if they'd been given a medal that entitled them to boss people around. It was as if, just because they'd got the label which said "mother", everyone else got a tiny part of the label that said "child"...”
― Terry Pratchett, Carpe Jugulum

“A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.”
― Terry Pratchett, The Fifth Elephant