Gabe Cole Novoa's Blog, page 54

Are Your Characters Too Passive?

Photo credit: Brother O'Mara on FlickrSo one of the critiques I’ve received a few times on WIPs I’ve been revising this year is centered on my characters. Specifically, characters who aren’t active enough.

Now, by “not active enough” I don’t mean that they didn’t exercise enough (though I mean, that might be the case too, but anyway). When you get the critique that your characters are too passive, it usually means they’re being reactive far too often. Things are happening to them, and they’re reacting to what’s happening, but they aren’t acting as agents of change. Which can quickly become a problem.

Now the good news is after getting this critique on two different projects, I’m now being super extra careful when plotting future WIPs to make sure that doesn’t happen again (because surprise! This is so much easier to fix when your book is a bunch of bullet points and flashcards). Bad news is if you get this critique on an existing, written manuscript, you’re going to have to roll up your sleeves and do some heavy lifting to fix it if it’s a widespread problem.

So how do you fix passive characters?

Consider where your protagonist is reacting where they could be taking action. Depending on how widespread the issue is, this may be after a certain point in your manuscript, or something you’ll need to consider throughout the plot. Either way, pick some major points where your protagonist could be creating change and jot them down. 
Be open to making big changes. This is important because when you change the way your characters behave, particularly when you’re giving them more agency to make change, well, there are going to be changes. But being afraid to revamp part or most of your plot will prevent you from making the fixes you need, so the best you can do is accept right now that there will possibly be large changes that you’ll need to make. And that’s okay. 
Ask yourself, “What decision can my protagonist make that would create a change?” Brainstorm several ideas until you come up with something that makes sense for your plot and you’re happy with. Some ideas you come up with might sound ridiculous, but don’t filter—just write down whatever you come up with and filter them later. While ideally you want to go with a change that will weave into your existing plot well, as I said in the last point, don’t be afraid to go with something that’ll require a little legwork. Ultimately, you want to go with whatever will make your story the best that it can be—and sometimes that means a lot of work while revising. 
Have you ever encountered this problem, either in your own work or in a book/movie/TV show?

Twitter-sized bite:

Are your characters too passive? @Ava_Jae talks how to fix this problematic issue. (Click to tweet)

On Trying Something New

Photo credit: R'eyes on FlickrOne of my New Years Resolutions for 2015 was to try something new—and it’s something that I intend to keep as a yearly goal. Because thinking back over the last couple years at the many new things I’ve tried, I have to say, thus far I haven’t regretted anything. *knocks on wood*

Back in 2011, for example, I tried Twitter and Blogger, which has turned out pretty splendidly. And last year I cut off my hair (best presentation decision ever), and tried YouTube and I’ve been so blown away by the positive response there—not only have a found an audience of totally new people I hadn’t interacted with, but they’ve been some of the most enthusiastic about book stuff. Last year I also changed my sleep schedule so that I’ve adjusted to waking up between 5-5:30ish, which has increased my productivity output like whoa.

This year I completed my resolution in August, when I took a train to Chicago all by my lonesome and attended a conference as an author for the first time—an event that is pretty much the highlight of my year so far.

So those have all been amazing experiences that I wouldn’t have had if I hadn’t pushed myself to try something new. But I also think the same kind of experimenting can be really beneficial in writing, too.

I’ve found the one of the best ways to figure out how you work best, to improve your writing and to expand your writer toolbox, so to speak, is to try new things. Whether it’s plotting when you’ve always been a pantser, experimenting with your sleep schedule, trying a new strategy for revising, or reading a new genre. Or maybe it’s playing with multiple perspectives for a first time, or writing in a genre you haven’t played around with yet, or writing a protagonist that's somehow different from others you’ve written before. But that whole don’t knock it till you’ve tried it thing is true, even with writing, because you really don’t know how well or not a new technique or writing experiment will work for you until you’ve given it a chance.

So I encourage you to take chances with your writing. Do something different. Write that crazy book that you don’t think you can pull off. Try NaNoWriMo for the first time. Play around with that new revision technique or plot development. Just don’t let “I don’t think I can do it” stop you; after all, how do you know if you haven’t tried?

Have you tried something new (writing related or not) this year?

Twitter-sized bites:

Writer @Ava_Jae says you should experiment and try new things with your writing. What do you think? (Click to tweet) 

Have you tried something new this year? Join the discussion on @Ava_Jae's blog. (Click to tweet)

So You Want to Write YA Thrillers?

Photo credit: @lattefarsan on FlickrSo next up in the So You Want to Write series, a genre that I quite enjoy and am quickly realizing I don’t read nearly enough of: YA Thrillers.

What is it?

YA Thrillers are fast-paced stories, often (but not always) about either a protagonist who ends up in the sights of a killer or a protagonist who winds up on a dangerous revenge-spree. Either way, there’s bound to be a body count, a ton going on, very high stakes (usually the protagonist’s life) and lots of twists and turns that’ll keep you guessing.

Pros/Cons of Writing YA Thrillers:

Pros:

Hasn’t had a major boom (but isn’t dead either). The lack of a major boom thing is actually a pro because it means it’s not oversaturated (or about to be oversaturated). It seems to be selling well enough, best I can tell, so the state of the publishing market shouldn’t be a deterrent. 
Fast-paced and very twisty. If you like writing twists and quickly paced books, YA Thrillers may be the sweet spot for you. 
High stakes. Personally, I’ve always found high stakes fun to write, and more times than not the protagonist’s life is on the line in YA Thrillers. So again, if that’s something you enjoy writing… :)
Cons:

Complicated balance. A big part of Thrillers is to keep the reader guessing, which can often be tricky to write. How do you drop enough clues and red herrings for the ending to make sense without it being obvious? That’s a question you’ll have to navigate carefully as a YA Thriller writer. 
Recommended Reading:

As I have said before and will continue to do so: you must read the genre you write in. It is so important to keep up to date with what’s selling, what’s been written, what’s been overdone, etc. and the best way to do that is to read as much as possible.

Note: Aside from Far From You, I haven’t read any of the below, but they sound great. And they’re YA Thrillers, at any rate.
Far From You by Tess Sharpe Killer Instinct by S.E. Green Damage Done by Amanda PanitchThe Devil You Know by Trish Doller Suicide Notes from Beautiful Girls by Lynn WeingartenDelicate Monsters by Stephanie Kuehn From Where I Watch You by Shannon Grogan The Fixer by Jennifer Lynn Barnes All Fall Down by Ally Carter Get Even by Gretchen McNeil Endangered by Lamar Giles The Tenderness of Thieves by Donna Freitas I Am Her Revenge by Meredith Moore
Helpful Links:

8 Things You Need To Know When Writing Thrillers by Sarah Alderson on Writing Teen NovelsWhat People Talk About When They Talk About Thrillers by Kathryn Burak on her blog. What’s in a thriller? S.R. Johannes gives us her best tips. by Laura Pauling and S.R. Johannes on her blog.Tips For Writing Page-Turning Novels by April Henry on Writing Teen Novels
Do you enjoy reading or writing YA Thrillers? Share your experience! 
Twitter-sized bites: 

Thinking about writing YA Thrillers? Writer @Ava_Jae shares some tips, recommendations and more. (Click to tweet) 

Do you write YA Thrillers? Share your experience at @Ava_Jae’s So You Want to Write series. (Click to tweet)

Vlog: What if Your Writing Sucks?

This vlog isn't as mean as it sounds, I promise. 
Writing is hard, and dealing with self-doubt about our writing is even harder. It's not at all uncommon for writers to think their work isn't really that great—so what do you do then?


RELATED LINKS: 

Why Writers Must Read (vlog)You Don't Have to Get it Right the First TimeFour Writing Fears, DebunkedWhy Writing Through Resistance is EssentialWhy First Draft Writing SucksTHE FIRE IN FICTION by Donald MaasREVISION & SELF-EDITING and PLOT & STRUCTURE by James Scott BellYOUR FIRST NOVEL by Ann Rittenburg & Laura Whitcomb (a little outdated about publishing, but still has good tips)NOVEL SHORTCUTS by Laura Whitcomb
How do you handle self-doubt about your writing?
Twitter-sized bites: 

"Once you see the flaws in your writing...you can start to work toward making it better." #vlog (Click to tweet) 

"You aren't any better or worse than anyone else for taking longer or shorter to get your skills publication ready." (Click to tweet) 

Worried that your writing isn't any good? @Ava_Jae vlogs about why that conclusion is actually a good thing. (Click to tweet)

On the Lack of Chronic Illness Rep in YA

Photo credit: e-Magine Art on FlickrI’ve been thinking lately about chronic illness representation in YA. Or rather, the lack thereof.

There’ve been a few reasons why it’s on my mind, most obviously because I’m a chronically ill young person myself, and less obviously because I keep hearing about books with disabled protagonists who end up cured/not actually sick after all at the end and it’s just so frustrating.

I’ve already written about why the Miracle Cure is such a problem, both on and off the page, so this post isn’t about that.

This post is about the lack of representation because I’m tired of books with chronically ill characters ending one of two ways: they die (and their deaths are So Tragic), or they’re cured (because how else can they have a Happily Ever After?).

Right now, this is the message we’re giving our chronically ill kids: your stories are only worth telling if you die or have a miracle.— Ava Jae (@Ava_Jae) September 5, 2015

This is the message we’re giving our chronically ill kids: your stories are only worth telling if you die or have a miracle.

This is the message we’re giving our chronically ill kids: you can only be happy if you aren’t Sick.

This is the message we’re giving our able-bodied kids: Sick kids are Tragic Figures there to teach you to Appreciate Your Lives.

I asked Twitter for suggestions for books with chronically ill (not terminally ill) characters who aren’t cured at the end, which got a ton of RTs (thank you, Twitter!). For the sake of the post, I was looking specifically for physical illnesses, if only because there's a lot out there on mental illnesses (which is awesome!), but I rarely see anything about chronic physical illnesses, thus why I started looking for it. Anyway.

After help with investigating from @KatiTheWriter and @rachelacantor, and a lot of digging, I ended up with twenty-seven published books, plus one forthcoming. Thirteen were published between one and three decades ago—most of which are about diabetes—and five of those were part of a series. A few that I’m not counting were published around the same time and had die/died in the title so I think you understand why I’m not including them. So if we’re counting YA published within the last decade that isn’t death-focused, we drop down to fourteen.

Fourteen YA books published within the last decade with chronically ill characters. That's not even one and a half a year. Of them, half are about diabetes or epilepsy (which seem to be the most common two chronic illnesses covered in YA). And I haven’t read many of them, so I have no idea how they end. I hope not with a Miracle Cure or a death, but I don’t know.

Are there others out there that I missed? Very possibly. But the fact that it was so darn hard to find twenty-seven books published over the course of twenty-nine years really speaks to how much of an issue this is. It shouldn't be this hard.

And it sucks. It sucks knowing that with very few exceptions, the only times chronically ill kids get to see themselves represented is when they’re getting one of the messages above. Because what does that say to them about their worth and how the rest of their lives will look?

This isn’t okay. We need to do better.

I want chronically ill protagonists saving the world and having adventures while dealing with their illness.

I want chronically ill protagonists falling in love and learning that every part of them is beautiful, even the Sick parts.

I want chronically ill protagonists who handle their illness in realistic ways. Who have their Happily Ever Afters without a cure. Who are badass and sick simultaneously because the two aren’t mutually exclusive. And I want them in YA books, because chronically ill kids get the message that they shouldn’t be sick while young ALL THE TIME and just. I’m so tired of it. So, so tired of it.

There isn’t a quick or easy solution to this. But these messages are so damaging and hurtful to kids, and it’s so disappointing to me that it hasn’t been addressed.

We have an amazing community. We can do better. We have to.


Note: Since many have asked, here's a list of the YA books I found that have some chronic (not terminal) illness representation. Though I did research as much as I could, it's likely that I've missed some. I've not read most these, so I don’t know if their endings disqualify them with a Miracle Cure or a death, or in the case of epilepsy, I'm not sure if all of these are illness rather than injury-related (if you know either of these things, please let me know and I’ll remove it and update the post accordingly). Also, many of these older ones especially are very outdated (both in how the illnesses are viewed and treated), I have no idea if the representation is respectful (so please be careful), and not all of these books were rated highly because of other book-related issues. So with that caveat:

(1986) The Babysitter’s Club #1 Kristy’s Great Idea by Ann M. Martin—Diabetes***
(1987) Edith Herself by Ellen Howard—Epilepsy***
(1988) The Babysitter’s Club #13 Good-bye Stacey, Good-bye by Ann M. Martin—Diabetes*(1988) When Dreams Shatter  by Lurlene McDaniel—Diabetes
(1989) The Babysitter’s Club #28 Welcome Back, Stacey! by Ann M. Martin—Diabetes*
(1990) Jodie’s Journey by Colin Thiele—Arthritis
(1995) The Babysitter’s Club #83 Stacey vs. the BSC by Ann M. Martin—Diabetes*
(1995) The Babysitter’s Club #87 Stacey and the Bad Girls by Ann M. Martin—Diabetes*
(1995) Between a Rock and a Hard Place by Alden R. Carter—Diabetes**
(1995) All the Days of Her Life by Lurlene McDaniel—Diabetes**
(2000) The Last Book in the Universe by Rodman Philbrick—Epilepsy***
(2003) Sweetblood by Pete Hautman—Diabetes**
(2004) Song of the Magdalene by Donna Jo Napoli—Epilepsy***
(2006) Last Dance by Lurlene McDaniel—Diabetes**(2007) The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie—Epilepsy, Hydrocephalus***(2007) Zane's Trace by Allan Wolf—Epilepsy***(2011) Throat  by R.A. Nelson—Epilepsy***
(2012) Parallel Visions by Cheryl Rainfield—Severe asthma(2013) My Life After Now by Jessica Verdi—HIV
(2014) Two Girls Staring at the Ceiling by Lucy Frank—Crohn’s Disease***
(2014) Top Ten Clues You’re Clueless by Liz Czukas—Diabetes***
(2014) The Summer I Found You by Jolene Perry—Diabetes***
(2014) Inland by Kat Rosenfeld—Undefined chronic pulmonary illness***
(2014) The Islands at the End of the World by Austin Aslan—Epilepsy***(2015) Hold Me Like a Breath by Tiffany Schmidt—Autoimmune disorder***
(2015) The Way We Bared Our Souls by Willa Strayhorn—Multiple Sclerosis***
(2015) Because You'll Never Meet Me by Leah Thomas—Epilepsy, Cardiomyopathy***
(2016/17?) Unfolding by Jonathan Friesen—Epilepsy***
*According to TBC wiki.
**Found off YALSA’s Diabetes in YA Fiction for National Diabetes Month post.
***Found on Disability in Kidlit’s GR shelves.

Twitter-sized bites:

"I want chronically ill protags saving the world & having adventures while dealing w/ their illness." (Click to tweet)  

The lack of chronic illness representation in YA is a problem—and @Ava_Jae explains why. (Click to tweet)

Do Writers Need Social Media?

Photo credit: Cakehead Loves on FlickrSo as many of you know, and I have said here before, I am all over the internet. Twitter, tumblr, Blogger, Facebook, YouTube, Instagram, Pinterest—I use pretty much everything except Google+ (though Google+ automatically made me an account anyway because…Google).

I occasionally talk about platform building and tips for specific social media sites, but in online communities that can easily become overwhelming (and really time-consuming) and is sometimes volatile, the question is often asked: do writers really need social media?

In today’s day and age, unless you’re a massively huge bestseller, a lot of the responsibility to market your books is on you—the writer. And unsurprisingly, a lot of that marketing happens online via various social media accounts. But how involved and engaged does a writer need to be online? Honestly…I’m not sure.

Social media does undeniably help, and authors who engage online have the opportunity to connect with fans and find new ones. Authors like Tahereh Mafi, Maggie Stiefvater, V.E. Schwab, Lindsay Smith, Dahlia Adler, and Megan Erickson I’ve either read or have on my TBR shelf because I liked them online first, and so I checked out their books. And probably 90% of my TBR shelf is based off online recommendations, word of mouth (online), and social media buzz around a book.

That is to say, as far as marketing goes, social media works.

But there are, of course, down sides. Social media takes up a lot of time, online witch hunts are terrifying, and there’s a lot of negativity online that’s been known to trigger stuff for some writers and even pushed them into social media breaks of varying lengths. Which is understandable because your health—emotional, mental, and physical—comes first.

I think, nowadays, it’s hard for writers to get by without any social media, but how much you engage online is totally up to you. Some writers keep social media at a distance and only really update for major news and occasional shares. Other writers like myself are much more involved online and engage directly with fans, readers, and other writers. How involved you are and how many social media branches you use is totally up to you—the more you use the more people you can potentially reach, but it does require a balance because a) you have books to write and b) the aforementioned sometimes negative atmosphere online.

All in all, I think while some social media is at least partially necessary for most writers, the how much totally depends on the person. Do whatever feels most natural for you and you should be just fine.

How much social media do you use? 

Twitter-sized bites:

Do writers really need social media? @Ava_Jae shares her thoughts. (Click to tweet)  

How much social media do writers really need? @Ava_Jae says it depends on the person. What do you think? (Click to tweet)

On Repetition in Writing

Photo credit: B Tal on Flickr

“I’ve tried so hard to stop thinking about him.  

I’ve tried so hard to forget his face. 

I’ve tried so hard to get those blue blue blue eyes out of my head but I know him I know him I know him it’s been 3 years since I last saw him.” —Shatter Me by Tahereh Mafi, page 42

Repetition in writing is a funny thing.

When done intentionally, repetition can be a really powerful tool. Oftentimes it’s used to show emotional or psychological turmoil on the POV character’s part, or it’s used to emphasize something, or show a character hyper-focusing on something (i.e.: Adam’s “blue blue blue eyes” in the excerpt above). But what I like about it is it can be a very effective and subtle tool that subconsciously gives certain messages to the readers.

When done unintentionally, or when it’s overused, however…not so much.

Like many things in writing, a lot of this is going to be subjective. Some people just don’t like repetition in writing ever, which is fair. Other people like myself think it can super effective when done correctly. Many have no idea how to even tell if they’re doing it “correctly” which is fair, because, again, subjective, and also writing is hard.

So how do you know where on the spectrum your repetition lands?

Two things to think about:
Make sure your repetition has a purpose. Like whenever you break a writing rule, it needs to be done with purpose. Think about why you’re choosing to repeat that phrase or word or whatever the case may be and know the reason behind it. If it’s deliberate, repetition can work—just make sure that it is, indeed, deliberate.
Make sure you don’t overuse it. And like any stylistic effect in writing, repetition can very easily be overdone. Remember: the more you use a particular stylistic effect, the less power it has when you use it. Think about spicing your work with stylistic effects like repetition—just don’t overspice your writing.Ultimately, you’re not really going to know if your repetition is working or not until you get outside feedback—and even then your feedback may conflict a little (which is why I recommend you try to work with odd numbers, so you can always side with the majority). But if you use it carefully and thoughtfully, this can be a really powerful tool to add to your writing arsenal.

Have you ever used repetition in your writing? Do you like it when you see it in books? 

Twitter-sized bite:  

Is repetition okay in writing? @Ava_Jae talks balancing this stylistic tool and making sure it has a purpose. (Click to tweet)

Vlog: Why I Revise in Passes

Revisions can easily become overwhelming, so today I'm sharing a strategy I use to keep on task without ever feeling like it's too much. AKA: the magic of revising in passes.



RELATED LINKS: 

How to Handle Tough CP Feedback (vlog)How to Love Editing (vlog)Why You Need Critique Partners (Really) (vlog)How to Edit in PassesHow Not to Get Overwhelmed with Revisions (blog post version)
Do you revise in passes?
Twitter-sized bites: 

Overwhelmed with revisions? @Ava_Jae vlogs about lists, color-coding, prioritizing, and revising in passes. (Click to tweet) 

Do you find revisions overwhelming? @Ava_Jae vlogs about why she revises in passes. (Click to tweet)

So You Want To Write YA Contemporary?

Photo credit: Nicola since 1972 on FlickrIt’s been a while since I’ve updated the So You Want To Write series, and apparently I never wrote about writing a YA Contemporary, so! Here we go.

What is it?
YA Contemporary novels are what is often described as “Realistic Fiction.” Except for young adults—that is, teens. These feature a world, that for all intents and purposes, is our own and usually takes place in the present, but occasionally jumps back a decade or two (but not much more than that.) There is often (but not always) some kind of romantic subplot, and sometimes (though again, not always) they are what are known as “issue books.”

The main tenant, however, is teenagers dealing with something in our world.

Pros/Cons of Writing YA Contemporary:

Pros:

Popular at the moment. After the explosion known as The Fault in Our Stars, YA Contemporary got a hugenormous boost, which has not only lead to a boost of new YA Contemporary novels, but also of many more YA Contemporary movie deals, which personally I think is pretty darn awesome. So right now, YA Contemporary novels are selling really well, which is fabulous, but also has a down side which I’ll get to below. 
Very good for diving into difficult topics. If you’re a contemporary-minded writer who’d really like to dive into a difficult topic that feels important to you, YA Contemporary is a great place to do it. Not only are those kinds of books actually selling rather well, but it also allows you to create books that could be cathartic for teens who have experienced whatever you’re writing about, or a great point of discussion for those ready to learn more. 
Will probably never go completely out of style. While I do think the genre is on the verge of slowing down a bit (more on that below), I kind of tend to think that books about life and reality will never completely go away. This is an opinion, of course, and I could be totally wrong, but contemporary novels have been around forever and I don’t think they’re going anywhere. 
Opportunity to explore teen life as it actually is today. Teen lives are rich and interesting and wonderful and painful and everything in between. And if exploring that in our world is your bread and butter, this is the genre for you.
Cons:

Popular at the moment. Right, so, downside of writing in a genre that is currently popular is chances are very likely you’ve already missed the wave. It also means there are still a lot of people trying to sell their YA Contemporaries in a very crowded market, but…I mean, the rest of YA is equally crowded. So. 
Recommended Reading:

I’ll keep saying this forever and ever: you must read the genre you write in. It is vital—vital—to understand what else is being published, what’s selling well, what’s not, what’s been done, what works, what doesn’t. And the only way you learn this is by reading what’s being published now.

Note: I’ve either read, want to read, or have heard amazing things about the books listed below.

Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli I’ll Give You the Sun by Jandy Nelson Made You Up by Francesca Zappia None of the Above by I.W. Gregorio Not Otherwise Specified by Hannah Moskowitz Under the Lights by Dahlia Adler Fangirl and Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell The Five Stages of Andrew Brawley by Shaun David Hutchinson Written in the Stars by Aisha Saeed The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

Helpful Links:
YA Common Clichés series: YA Romance by S.E. Sinkhorn on Maybe GeniusGenre Questions: What is Contemporary Young Adult Fiction? by Stephanie Morrill on Go Teen WritersRealistic YA Fiction Is Here to Stay (Then Again, It Never Went Away) by Parnassus Books on musing
Do you enjoy reading or writing YA Contemporary? Share your experience!

Twitter-sized bites:

Thinking about writing YA Contemporary? Writer @Ava_Jae shares some tips, recommendations and more. (Click to tweet)

Do you write YA Contemporary novels? Share your experience at @Ava_Jae’s So You Want to Write series. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Feature #14

Photo credit: ysksmz on FlickrIt’s nearly September and despite my extra long summer, I’m still not emotionally ready to go back to school. But! End of the month means it’s time for the next fixing the first page critique, so yay! 
As per usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (I'm just one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.
Let’s go! 
Title: SWIM
Genre/Category: YA Contemporary
First 250:

"I learned how to swim before I learned how to walk. 

That’s what they do, when you’re born a couple of blocks from the beach. They teach you young. 

And I swear I still remember it. 

My father’s hands, big and warm on my sides, suddenly gone. 

That moment of freefall, of panic—I can’t do this­— 

And then— 

Legs kicking, arms flailing, but swimming, really swimming on my own. The tang of the sea on my tongue. Emerging gasping, coughing, into sea spray and sunlight. Grinning so big I thought I’d never stop. 

The joy of it all. 

I dream about it, sometimes. I smile in my sleep. 

And then I remember. 

Remember why I don’t swim anymore. 

I stop smiling. 

I wake up.



Chapter One

The spring of my senior year in high school, my mother brought a kitchen knife into the bathtub with her. 

She didn’t cut deep enough, not nearly, they said. But she’d been drinking, and she lost enough blood to pass out. Her head slipped under the water, and if her neighbor hadn’t found her, she would have drowned. 

I wasn’t with her. No one was. My parents divorced when I was in the seventh grade, and I moved away with my dad. 

We sat in the hospital waiting room, my dad and I, not speaking. 

The doctor suggested that after she was released from the psychiatric ward, it might be a good idea for someone to live with her for a little while."

Okay! So, very first thought: we don't need the prologue. I'm guessing it's there to try to be a little foreboding with the protagonist (who...reads as a girl to me? But it's not specified) remembering why they don't swim anymore. But honestly, I don't feel like we're getting information that's vital to know on page one—I'm assuming the swim thing is going to come up again, considering the title, and I think the same information could probably be conveyed later on throughout the prose. On a smaller note, there are also way too many single-sentence paragraphs in the prologue bit—remember, the more you use a stylistic writing effect (like a single sentence/word paragraph), the less impact it has.

As far as the opening for the first chapter goes, starting with so much exposition is a little risky. The first line I think could work—it's definitely attention grabbing—but I don't really feel like I'm there with the protagonist because the whole opening of the chapter is being summarized. I think it'd be more effective if we slipped into the protagonist's POV and saw the scene start to play out sooner.

Now for the in-line notes:

"I learned how to swim before I learned how to walk. That’s what they do, After all, when you’re born a couple of blocks from the beach,. T they teach you young. 

And I swear I still remember it. Any way you could transition into the next paragraph without using the filter ("remember")?

My father’s hands, big and warm on my sides, suddenly gone. 

That moment of freefall, of panic—I can’t do this­— Aand then— 

Legs kicking, arms flailing, but swimming, really swimming on my own. The tang of the sea on my tongue. Emerging gasping, coughing, into sea spray and sunlight. Grinning so big I thought I’d never stop. 

The joy of it all. 

I dream about it, sometimes. I smile in my sleep. 

And then I remember. Remember why I don’t swim anymore. 

I stop smiling. 

I wake up. 

Reading this a second time now, I'm about 99% sure I'd cut this if I were editing.


Chapter One

The spring of my senior year in high school, my mother brought a kitchen knife into the bathtub with her. Nice first line.

She didn’t cut deep enough, not nearly, they said. But she’d been drinking, and she lost enough blood to pass out. Her head slipped under the water, and if her neighbor hadn’t found her, she would have drowned. 

I wasn’t with her. No one was. My parents divorced when I was in the seventh grade, and I moved away with my dad. 

We sat in the hospital waiting room, my dad and I, not speaking. 

The doctor suggested that after she was released from the psychiatric ward, it might be a good idea for someone to live with her for a little while.  This could be a good spot to transition to playing the scene out—with an actual line of dialogue of the doctor saying exactly that. Or you could transition right before this by getting into your protagonist's head as they sit next to their dad in the silent room. How do they feel? What thoughts are running through their head? Is the awkward silence something normal for them and their dad? How long has it been since they've seen their mom? This is all stuff you could give us in your protagonist's POV that could help us connect to your MC."

Okay, so you'll notice there aren't a whole lot of line edits here, and that's because the writing itself works for the most part—I'd just recommend being careful to vary your paragraph and sentence length, because I'm seeing a lot of short paragraphs and sentences right from the start. The main issue I'm seeing here, however, is what I mentioned above—the prologue feels unnecessary to me (and, to be honest, I don't think it's as good a hook as the first sentence of chapter one anyway) and I'm not connecting to the protagonist because all I'm getting here is exposition.

I think if those adjustments are made, this could be a really powerful opening with some very emotional content right up front. But as is, if I saw this in the slush, I'd pass.

I hope this helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Mary Kate!

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.@Ava_Jae talks exposition and varying sentence/paragraph length in the 14th Fixing the First Page critique. (Click to tweet)