Vaibhav Anand's Blog, page 17
December 4, 2014
Pratibha Patil registers formal protest against Narendra Modi visiting more countries than her
I miss Pratibha Patil not doing anything at all. Satire...
Delhi: India’s last President, Ms. Pratibha Patil, has registered a formal protest against India’s current Prime Minister, Narendra Modi, gathering more frequent flier air miles than her. Speaking to reporters in Delhi, Ms. Patil, who wantonly used the Indian political system as a de facto travel agency, said that she was afraid that soon Mr. Modi was going to surpass her in the number of tourist spots visited.
“I only visited 142 countries during my stint as the President of this country,” an unusually vocal Ms. Patil said. “At the rate at which Narendra Modiji is going, he will have visited more countries in one year than I did during my entire stint… And collected more frequent flier miles!”
“Rahul Gandhiji wouldn’t have had food at as many Dalit homes as the countries already visited by the current Prime Minister,” she added morosely.
Remembering old times wistfully she said, “Our pairing was best… Manmohan and mine. We could sit at a table in uncomfortable silence for hours. The only sound between us would be that of passing gas.”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/04/pratibha-patil-registers-formal-protest-against-narendra-modi-visiting-more-countries-than-her/
Delhi: India’s last President, Ms. Pratibha Patil, has registered a formal protest against India’s current Prime Minister, Narendra Modi, gathering more frequent flier air miles than her. Speaking to reporters in Delhi, Ms. Patil, who wantonly used the Indian political system as a de facto travel agency, said that she was afraid that soon Mr. Modi was going to surpass her in the number of tourist spots visited.
“I only visited 142 countries during my stint as the President of this country,” an unusually vocal Ms. Patil said. “At the rate at which Narendra Modiji is going, he will have visited more countries in one year than I did during my entire stint… And collected more frequent flier miles!”
“Rahul Gandhiji wouldn’t have had food at as many Dalit homes as the countries already visited by the current Prime Minister,” she added morosely.
Remembering old times wistfully she said, “Our pairing was best… Manmohan and mine. We could sit at a table in uncomfortable silence for hours. The only sound between us would be that of passing gas.”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/04/pratibha-patil-registers-formal-protest-against-narendra-modi-visiting-more-countries-than-her/
November 25, 2014
Chetan Bhagat sues Bihar scholar for using big and tough words such as ‘plagiarism’ in his legal notice
Mr. Bhagat, you kind of had it coming... Satire.
Patna: After a Bihar based English scholar, Dr. Birbal Jha, accused and slapped a legal notice on Chetan Bhagat for stealing the plot of his latest book, ‘Half Girlfriend’ from his published book, Chetan Bhagat has sued Dr. Jha back for using big words such as ‘plagiarism’ in his statement and legal notice. Bhagat, however, refused to confirm or deny whether he had lifted the plot of his book from Dr. Jha’s book claiming that “All life is an inspiration for me.”
“Of course I know what ‘plagiarism’ means, thank you,” Bhagat quipped, in a telephonic interview with this Faking News reporter. “I have access to the internet and several free dictionary sites. But what about the masses? What about the poor, naked, hungry people from Bihar who do not have access to the internet and thus cannot understand what the word means? It is cruel for these people, no?”
“I want to be known for my simple down to earth literature that even a chai-wallah can read and enjoy,” Bhagat concluded. When pointed out that the chai-wallah might be illiterate, Bhagat replied, “Doesn’t matter… he can watch the movie that the book will inevitably be converted into, later.”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/11/25/chetan-bhagat-sues-bihar-scholar-for-using-big-and-tough-words-such-as-plagiarism-in-his-legal-notice/
Patna: After a Bihar based English scholar, Dr. Birbal Jha, accused and slapped a legal notice on Chetan Bhagat for stealing the plot of his latest book, ‘Half Girlfriend’ from his published book, Chetan Bhagat has sued Dr. Jha back for using big words such as ‘plagiarism’ in his statement and legal notice. Bhagat, however, refused to confirm or deny whether he had lifted the plot of his book from Dr. Jha’s book claiming that “All life is an inspiration for me.”“Of course I know what ‘plagiarism’ means, thank you,” Bhagat quipped, in a telephonic interview with this Faking News reporter. “I have access to the internet and several free dictionary sites. But what about the masses? What about the poor, naked, hungry people from Bihar who do not have access to the internet and thus cannot understand what the word means? It is cruel for these people, no?”
“I want to be known for my simple down to earth literature that even a chai-wallah can read and enjoy,” Bhagat concluded. When pointed out that the chai-wallah might be illiterate, Bhagat replied, “Doesn’t matter… he can watch the movie that the book will inevitably be converted into, later.”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/11/25/chetan-bhagat-sues-bihar-scholar-for-using-big-and-tough-words-such-as-plagiarism-in-his-legal-notice/
November 10, 2014
Companies give one week off to employees so that they can understand “Interstellar”
Couldn't resist. Satire.
Gurgaon: A clutch of IT companies based out of Gurgaon have come up with an innovative solution to deal with the fallout of the release of Christopher Nolan’s latest, ‘Interstellar’.
Considering that a significant chunk of their employees saw the movie over the weekend and significantly, a significant chunk of the significant chunk who saw it did not understand it, the companies have decided to announce an optional week long furlough for employees to understand ‘Interstellar’.
“Last time also, a whole month was wasted as people stopped working to discuss Inception,” Chadha – a team leader with an MNC software giant – said. “It stopped only when we circulated a company-wide memo explaining the movie and organized a town hall by some IIT guy.”
The decision by the companies has apparently gone down well with even those who have not watched the movie yet. “I haven’t even seen Interstellar but only heard people around me or on my Facebook timeline talking of gravitational time dilation,” Tadapit Kumar, a software engineer working in Chadha’s team, said, “But now that we have this leave, I think I will watch the movie multiple times.”
“Maybe, I will also enroll for some FIITJEE classes on Physics to understand it afterwards,” Tadapit added.
Meanwhile Congress leader Digvijay Singh has cited this as an example on why Rahul Gandhi often goes on leave. “To understand the mysteries of politics,” he said.
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/11/companies-give-one-week-off-to-employees-so-that-they-can-understand-interstellar/
Gurgaon: A clutch of IT companies based out of Gurgaon have come up with an innovative solution to deal with the fallout of the release of Christopher Nolan’s latest, ‘Interstellar’.Considering that a significant chunk of their employees saw the movie over the weekend and significantly, a significant chunk of the significant chunk who saw it did not understand it, the companies have decided to announce an optional week long furlough for employees to understand ‘Interstellar’.
“Last time also, a whole month was wasted as people stopped working to discuss Inception,” Chadha – a team leader with an MNC software giant – said. “It stopped only when we circulated a company-wide memo explaining the movie and organized a town hall by some IIT guy.”
The decision by the companies has apparently gone down well with even those who have not watched the movie yet. “I haven’t even seen Interstellar but only heard people around me or on my Facebook timeline talking of gravitational time dilation,” Tadapit Kumar, a software engineer working in Chadha’s team, said, “But now that we have this leave, I think I will watch the movie multiple times.”
“Maybe, I will also enroll for some FIITJEE classes on Physics to understand it afterwards,” Tadapit added.
Meanwhile Congress leader Digvijay Singh has cited this as an example on why Rahul Gandhi often goes on leave. “To understand the mysteries of politics,” he said.
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/11/companies-give-one-week-off-to-employees-so-that-they-can-understand-interstellar/
November 9, 2014
Kejriwal coughing non-stop ever since fresh polls announced in Delhi: Sources
Welcome back to the satirical fold, Mr. Kejriwal!
New Delhi: Reports coming in from the AAP camp have confirmed rumours that Delhi’s ex Chief Minister had begun coughing non-stop as soon as the Lieutenant Governor cleared the way for fresh polls in Delhi. One of Faking News’ trustworthy sources within the AAP also confirmed the fact that Kejriwal had begun wearing his trademark muffler again as well and going from room to room, in the AAP office, muttering the words ‘Main toh bahut chhota aadmee hoon’, amid coughs.
“The coughing started almost automatically as soon as Mr. Jung cleared the way for fresh polls in Delhi,” the source said. “It is only when we switched on the TV that we realized that somehow Arvind had managed to pick up on the fact that there would be fresh elections, almost automatically. We cancelled our high command meeting and went home because Mr. Kejriwal was clearly in a coughing mood and did not want to be disturbed.”
“He has also been giving a practice dharna in front of the bathroom, and has not let any of us use it,” Mrs. Kejriwal is reported to have told the source about the situation at the Kejriwal residence. “We have had to use one of the neighbours’ loos.”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/11/09/kejriwal-coughing-non-stop-ever-since-fresh-polls-announced-in-delhi-sources/
New Delhi: Reports coming in from the AAP camp have confirmed rumours that Delhi’s ex Chief Minister had begun coughing non-stop as soon as the Lieutenant Governor cleared the way for fresh polls in Delhi. One of Faking News’ trustworthy sources within the AAP also confirmed the fact that Kejriwal had begun wearing his trademark muffler again as well and going from room to room, in the AAP office, muttering the words ‘Main toh bahut chhota aadmee hoon’, amid coughs.“The coughing started almost automatically as soon as Mr. Jung cleared the way for fresh polls in Delhi,” the source said. “It is only when we switched on the TV that we realized that somehow Arvind had managed to pick up on the fact that there would be fresh elections, almost automatically. We cancelled our high command meeting and went home because Mr. Kejriwal was clearly in a coughing mood and did not want to be disturbed.”
“He has also been giving a practice dharna in front of the bathroom, and has not let any of us use it,” Mrs. Kejriwal is reported to have told the source about the situation at the Kejriwal residence. “We have had to use one of the neighbours’ loos.”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/11/09/kejriwal-coughing-non-stop-ever-since-fresh-polls-announced-in-delhi-sources/
All recovered black money to be distributed amongst victims of ‘Happy New Year’: Finance Minister
Congratulations to HNY which just made 100 crores (or 200?). That didn't stop it from sucking as a movie though. Satire.
Delhi: A couple of days after Jaya Bachhan, a Rajya Sabha MP, announced that ‘Happy New Year’ was a nonsensical movie, Arun Jaitley – India’s Finance Minister – announced that any and all recovered black money would soon be distributed amongst victims of ‘Happy New Year’.
“A case of a brother-sister duo terrorizing the nation with their movies has come to light,” Mr. Jaitley said to reporters from his Mantralay office. “We have taken suo moto cognizance of the issue and hereby announce that the first right to the recovered black money shall be for the victims of their most recently released misadventure.”
However, within an hour of Mr. Jaitley making the statement, Ram Jethmalani took suo moto cognizance of the suo moto cognizance and threatened to file an injunctive motion against it. “I see no reference to how Saajid Khan’s victims will be compensated, in the statement,” Jethmalani said. “At the end of the day, ‘Happy New Year’ is almost a classic if you compare it with ‘Himmatwala’ or ‘Humshakals’.”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/11/09/all-recovered-black-money-to-be-distributed-amongst-victims-of-happy-new-year-finance-minister/
Delhi: A couple of days after Jaya Bachhan, a Rajya Sabha MP, announced that ‘Happy New Year’ was a nonsensical movie, Arun Jaitley – India’s Finance Minister – announced that any and all recovered black money would soon be distributed amongst victims of ‘Happy New Year’.“A case of a brother-sister duo terrorizing the nation with their movies has come to light,” Mr. Jaitley said to reporters from his Mantralay office. “We have taken suo moto cognizance of the issue and hereby announce that the first right to the recovered black money shall be for the victims of their most recently released misadventure.”
However, within an hour of Mr. Jaitley making the statement, Ram Jethmalani took suo moto cognizance of the suo moto cognizance and threatened to file an injunctive motion against it. “I see no reference to how Saajid Khan’s victims will be compensated, in the statement,” Jethmalani said. “At the end of the day, ‘Happy New Year’ is almost a classic if you compare it with ‘Himmatwala’ or ‘Humshakals’.”
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/11/09/all-recovered-black-money-to-be-distributed-amongst-victims-of-happy-new-year-finance-minister/
November 8, 2014
Book Review: Shikhandi by Devdutt Pattanaik
There is perhaps a law of diminishing returns with an author. Look at John Grisham - the same guy who gave the world classics such as 'The Rainmaker' or 'The Testament' - also wrote absolute putrid shit such as 'The Summons', 'The King of Torts' or his latest 'Theodore Boone' book series.It is perhaps a disservice to Pattanaik that this is the first book of his that I read. I know this is perhaps not the book Pattanaik is known (or perhaps even wants to be known) for, but it was such a snoozeworthy bore, that I was left questioning the investment I had already made in one more of his books.
'Shikhandi and other stories' reads like one of those high school textbooks that force you to go through twenty chapters of short stories and have lengthy "Chapter Summaries" or "Bhavarth" (in hindi) sections at the end. Pattanaik does a great job with his research but the book unfortunately reads more like a thesis and less like a book.
But what the hell, it's Devdutt Pattanaik. Even if he writes a book that has just punctuation marks, it will sell.
Like John Grisham.
Or Chetan Bhagat.
Man travels all the way from Delhi to Agra just to shout expletives at man who overtook his car
Dedicated to all road rage victims. Satire.
Delhi: A man recently was reported to have travelled from South Delhi to Agra just so he could shout out expletives at someone who overtook his car. Rambo Singh, an auto parts trader in South Delhi, had important business meetings lined up for the day, but the need to pronounce the man who overtook his car as a fornicator of his mother/sister proved irresistible for him.
“What could I do?” said Rambo Singh in his defence, “This guy in a BMW overtook me from the left when I was driving at a comfortable 100 kilometres per hour on the Yamuna Expressway. And consider the fact that I was doing 100 kmph in my Maruti Alto. What do these badee gadee wallahs think? That they can overtake us small folks at any time?”
However, Rambo’s mission proved futile since he could not catch up with or locate the BMW later. “Luckily I managed to find someone who still supported the Congress party at the toll,” Rambo said. “He kept saying ‘Rahul Gandhi is the future of our country’. I abused him profusely to relieve all my built up stress.”
“Now that I am in Agra, I think I will see the Taj Mahal also,” Rambo added.
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/11/man-travels-all-the-way-from-delhi-to-agra-just-to-shout-expletives-at-man-who-overtook-his-car/
Delhi: A man recently was reported to have travelled from South Delhi to Agra just so he could shout out expletives at someone who overtook his car. Rambo Singh, an auto parts trader in South Delhi, had important business meetings lined up for the day, but the need to pronounce the man who overtook his car as a fornicator of his mother/sister proved irresistible for him.
“What could I do?” said Rambo Singh in his defence, “This guy in a BMW overtook me from the left when I was driving at a comfortable 100 kilometres per hour on the Yamuna Expressway. And consider the fact that I was doing 100 kmph in my Maruti Alto. What do these badee gadee wallahs think? That they can overtake us small folks at any time?”
However, Rambo’s mission proved futile since he could not catch up with or locate the BMW later. “Luckily I managed to find someone who still supported the Congress party at the toll,” Rambo said. “He kept saying ‘Rahul Gandhi is the future of our country’. I abused him profusely to relieve all my built up stress.”
“Now that I am in Agra, I think I will see the Taj Mahal also,” Rambo added.
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/11/man-travels-all-the-way-from-delhi-to-agra-just-to-shout-expletives-at-man-who-overtook-his-car/
November 7, 2014
Book Review: Sholay - The Making of a Classic by Anupama Chopra
This virtually unknown book came to my attention as I was trawling Amazon's book pages during one of their umpteen 'Dhamaka' sales. Filled with anecdotes that went on behind the scenes during the making of 'Sholay', I found the book a terrifically fun read.'Sholay' started off as a four sentence story idea that Salim and Javed had about a couple of good at heart crooks. Ramesh Sippy, in his mid twenties at the time, picked the story up and literally bled money (the budget of the movie was unthinkable for those times) to convert the four line story into one of India's cult classics.
'Sholay: The Making of a Classic' is on par with Jai Arjun Singh's 'Jaane bhi do yaaron'. I finished the book in a day and was left wanting more.
Read both these books to understand how two of India's favorite movies came to be made.
October 31, 2014
MBA requests addition to Black Money List so that he can add another CV point
Satire.
Ranchi: After three people shot to instant fame on being named as “black money holders”, an MBA student from IIM Ranchi has written to the Finance Minister to be included in the black money list as well. Tadapit Kumar, a second year student at IIM-R, apparently made the demand so that he could buff up his CV for final placements.
“I could not get elected to any of the societies or placement teams because I was not part of any of the gangs in the hostel and also I am the only one to have made a girlfriend on campus, which means everybody is calling me Chetan Bhagat and has begun to hate me,” Tadapit said. “But aside from that achievement,” he said, most likely referring to his girlfriend, “I haven’t really won any inter or intra B-School competitions and keeping up with Sakshi’s demands has meant that I am always lagging behind in my courses and getting terrible GPAs.”
“And kuchh bhi keh lo, this is IIM Ranchi,” Tadapit said. “Placement is a big fight for everyone. I am sure Sakshi will leave me for one of those ghissu mallus if I don’t get a job offer. She doesn’t really look anything like Alia Bhatt… but it’s great to have a girlfriend in a place like Ranchi.”
“At least this way I can say I was shortlisted for something on my CV,” Tadapit concluded.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/10/30/mba-requests-addition-to-black-money-list-so-that-he-can-add-another-cv-point/
Ranchi: After three people shot to instant fame on being named as “black money holders”, an MBA student from IIM Ranchi has written to the Finance Minister to be included in the black money list as well. Tadapit Kumar, a second year student at IIM-R, apparently made the demand so that he could buff up his CV for final placements.
“I could not get elected to any of the societies or placement teams because I was not part of any of the gangs in the hostel and also I am the only one to have made a girlfriend on campus, which means everybody is calling me Chetan Bhagat and has begun to hate me,” Tadapit said. “But aside from that achievement,” he said, most likely referring to his girlfriend, “I haven’t really won any inter or intra B-School competitions and keeping up with Sakshi’s demands has meant that I am always lagging behind in my courses and getting terrible GPAs.”
“And kuchh bhi keh lo, this is IIM Ranchi,” Tadapit said. “Placement is a big fight for everyone. I am sure Sakshi will leave me for one of those ghissu mallus if I don’t get a job offer. She doesn’t really look anything like Alia Bhatt… but it’s great to have a girlfriend in a place like Ranchi.”
“At least this way I can say I was shortlisted for something on my CV,” Tadapit concluded.
http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/10/30/mba-requests-addition-to-black-money-list-so-that-he-can-add-another-cv-point/
October 2, 2014
ISRO placed a software engineer with DSLR inside Mangalyaan to take Mars pics: Reports
The only logical way ISRO is doing this so inexpensively. Satire.
ISRO Campus/ Mars Orbit: Reports filtering in about the Mangalyaan mission have just confirmed that instead of using a generic telescopic camera to click pictures of Mars’ surface, ISRO scientists had placed an engineer with a DSLR camera inside the Mars orbiter.
Apparently ISRO was forced to confirm the news after Tadapit Kumar – the engineer in question – tweeted from space,“@MarsOrbiter rocks. Got some cool pics with my DSLR. In your face @Chaddha! F*** your appraisal!”
“We first found Tadapit taking pictures of his sandals with a DSLR camera inside ISRO campus,” a senior ISRO scientist and spokersperson said, confirming the news.
“When we saw him crawl into a gutter to take a picture of a cockroach with his camera, we knew he would go to any lengths to take any picture. We shortlisted him there and then, on the spot, for the Mangalyaan mission. It was only later that we found out that he was also a software engineer.”
“How else do you think we executed the entire thing so inexpensively?” he added, “The only half decent telescopic cameras available in the world are made in China and this Tadapit thing goes entirely with our new ‘Make in India’ motive. There will never be a dearth of software engineers with DSLR cameras that we make in India.”
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/09/isro-placed-a-software-engineer-with-dslr-inside-mangalyaan-to-take-mars-pics-reports/
ISRO Campus/ Mars Orbit: Reports filtering in about the Mangalyaan mission have just confirmed that instead of using a generic telescopic camera to click pictures of Mars’ surface, ISRO scientists had placed an engineer with a DSLR camera inside the Mars orbiter.
Apparently ISRO was forced to confirm the news after Tadapit Kumar – the engineer in question – tweeted from space,“@MarsOrbiter rocks. Got some cool pics with my DSLR. In your face @Chaddha! F*** your appraisal!”
“We first found Tadapit taking pictures of his sandals with a DSLR camera inside ISRO campus,” a senior ISRO scientist and spokersperson said, confirming the news.
“When we saw him crawl into a gutter to take a picture of a cockroach with his camera, we knew he would go to any lengths to take any picture. We shortlisted him there and then, on the spot, for the Mangalyaan mission. It was only later that we found out that he was also a software engineer.”
“How else do you think we executed the entire thing so inexpensively?” he added, “The only half decent telescopic cameras available in the world are made in China and this Tadapit thing goes entirely with our new ‘Make in India’ motive. There will never be a dearth of software engineers with DSLR cameras that we make in India.”
http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/09/isro-placed-a-software-engineer-with-dslr-inside-mangalyaan-to-take-mars-pics-reports/
